This is a Child of Mine That I’m so Proud of That I Can Hardly Stand It

October 11, 2022 4:16 AM

The startup, called GloriFi, initially aimed to launch with bank accounts, credit cards, mortgages and insurance, while touting what it called pro-America values such as capitalism, family, law enforcement and the freedom to “celebrate your love of God and country" ... But before GloriFi’s vision of a conservative banking network could be tested in the marketplace, management missteps and tensions with its investors stalled the company’s rollout.” How a New Anti-Woke Bank Stumbled [WSJ, ungated]
posted by chavenet (49 comments total)

They planned to launch on April 1st? It’s almost too in the nose.
posted by oddman at 4:38 AM on October 11, 2022 [16 favorites]

(wearing an offensive turban and holding an envelope to my forehead:) Lemme guess, the 'founders' embezzled the money and used it on drugs, prostitutes and cruises? Alright, now to read the article...
posted by From Bklyn at 4:43 AM on October 11, 2022 [24 favorites]

I’m not sure if my favorite scene was someone from a company called GloriFi berating employees of a company called Unqork, or if it was the CEO berating an employee drunk at a PF Chang’s at 11:30 in the morning,
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:46 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]

Seriously, what the fuck is in the water over there? Credit cards made out of shell casings? Discounted home loans for gun owners? This is crypto for people who are too stupid to be smart enough to be stupid enough to fall for crypto. "Owning the libs" is not a business model.
posted by prismatic7 at 4:51 AM on October 11, 2022 [116 favorites]

Over the weekend I pulled up Candace Owens’ IG page to see whatever bullshit she was on, and her most recent post was pushing that, so that’s all I needed to know.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 4:51 AM on October 11, 2022 [10 favorites]

This is crypto for people who are too stupid to be smart enough to be stupid enough to fall for crypto.

i just like this sentence thank you 😆
posted by lazaruslong at 4:53 AM on October 11, 2022 [60 favorites]

Staffers at software company Unqork Inc., which was helping build GloriFi’s insurance product, attended an April video call where a GloriFi senior manager “launched into a rude and aggressive tirade” at Unqork’s team and his own GloriFi team... After appearing to leave the call, the senior manager later returned on camera “in a state of undress, on a bed with a companion who was similarly in a state of undress,” the lawsuit alleged.

"traditional values"
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:56 AM on October 11, 2022 [21 favorites]

"Owning the libs" is not a business model.

But really, it is. You have to be smart about this, but it's an established brand as reliable as Marvel or Star Wars for certain crowds.
posted by explosion at 4:57 AM on October 11, 2022 [30 favorites]

It’s a relief that someone FINALLY found Mrs. Neugebauer‘s credit card.
posted by hwyengr at 4:57 AM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

I like to think that the trouble started over how to pronounce “GloriFi” and “GloriFite.”
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:03 AM on October 11, 2022 [38 favorites]

"Owning the libs" is not a business model.

If only we could run generators off libs eye rolling.
posted by 2N2222 at 5:05 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]

Executives also wanted to offer coverage for a customer’s legal costs in the event they shot someone in self-defense.

I like to think that insurance companies are generally successful because they have armies of actuaries that correlate discounts to actual risk-reducing behaviors and not political hunches.
posted by hwyengr at 5:12 AM on October 11, 2022 [22 favorites]

GloriFi said its customers can earn rewards that they will soon be able to donate to a charity for veterans and first-responders.

Participation trophies.
posted by box at 5:17 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]

“The company said Mr. Neugebauer used the house because he wanted …” a tax write off, would be my guess?
posted by caution live frogs at 5:41 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

Hardly a surprise. It's like they say: Go woke or go broke.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:48 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

Also, I cannot for the life of me understand how a financial company that produces nothing, has no bank behind it, and burned through all of its venture capital can be worth $1.7 billion.

In unrelated news I am open to having my company acquired by a SPAC, we produce hand-made needlefelt novelty hats for cats. We haven’t made a single hat yet and have no customers but the idea is Instagram gold, and my friends have assured me that it’s worth at least $300 million. (Oh and if it helps seal the sale I’ll happily pretend that we only make the hats for CONSERVATIVE cats.)
posted by caution live frogs at 6:00 AM on October 11, 2022 [20 favorites]

Strive, instead, would push companies to focus on making money, not taking stands on social or political issues.

We definitely need more corporate greed, especially in banking.

This story reminds me of the town of Grafton, NH, which was taken over by libertarians and then bears after the libertarians found themselves more beholden to their ideology than to actually governing. If you want to have a business or other entity based on ideology, just start a church, for god's sake!
posted by TedW at 6:02 AM on October 11, 2022 [16 favorites]

“It is about my friends that played football at ‘Friday Night Lights.’ And they don’t feel loved. They don’t feel respected,” he said.

There are few forces stronger in the contemporary US than conservative fee-fees.
posted by signal at 6:14 AM on October 11, 2022 [31 favorites]

yeah, seriously. These guys are all about facts, logic, science, and fucking your feelings -- but their feelings! So tender, so inflamed!

Too many laugh lines in this, even though it's completely straight-faced. My favorite is how the guy invested in some asset management corp "thinking it was a conservative beer startup."
posted by Countess Elena at 6:18 AM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]

There are few forces stronger in the contemporary US than conservative fee-fees.

Also confusing tv with reality.
posted by box at 6:18 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

"Owning the libs" is not a business model.
posted by prismatic7 at 4:51 AM on October 11

Oh it is, these people just forgot about the most important part of the model, which is the undisclosed racist patron with the offshore bank accounts
posted by eustatic at 6:53 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]

If you want to have a business or other entity based on ideology, just start a church, for god's sake!

See also: Conservative comedy
posted by PlusDistance at 7:19 AM on October 11, 2022 [9 favorites]

Toby Neugebauer, center, said he wanted to build a bank that catered to people who thought Wall Street was too liberal.

All four of them?
posted by kirkaracha at 7:21 AM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]

At 11:30 a.m. on May 24, Mr. Neugebauer summoned Mr. Rios, the head of the insurance business who had earlier praised the CEO’s vision, to meet at a local P.F. Chang’s restaurant. “Toby was drunk. He ordered me tequila and I said no. He said I would need it,” according to a report Mr. Rios later made to the police alleging he was verbally accosted. “He called me an habitual liar, and I offered to leave. He threatened to ruin my life if I left, and he would use the [government] to do so.”

Nothing says "libertarian" like "I'm going to use the government to ruin your life."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:27 AM on October 11, 2022 [30 favorites]

Credit cards made out of shell casings?

Bless my innocent heart. The whole time reading this article, I was thinking about that as sea shells. The word 'casings' didn't grok that interpretation, but hey, it's the WSJ.

Man, I need to spend some time at the beach.
posted by hwyengr at 7:34 AM on October 11, 2022 [13 favorites]

(Oh and if it helps seal the sale I’ll happily pretend that we only make the hats for CONSERVATIVE cats.)

I'm sorry, but I believe the libs already own pussy hats.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:36 AM on October 11, 2022 [22 favorites]

Credit cards made out of shell casings?

Metal credit cards are a thing that exists. Their rarity supposedly confers prestige.
posted by achrise at 7:42 AM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]

he wanted to build a bank that catered to people who thought Wall Street was too liberal.

All four of them?

I assume the quiet pitch is "we're a bank, but not run by the globalist cabal. You know the ones..."
posted by BungaDunga at 7:58 AM on October 11, 2022 [22 favorites]

Anyway, GloriFi isn't even a bank. It's contracted with "TransPecos Banks" to actually put the accounts in, all GloriFi is providing is the app, the branding, and so on. It's a "financial services" company, not a bank. Apparently the term of art is "neobank". It's like an MVNO for banks- and of course there's a right-wing MVNO as well ("Patriot Mobile", "America's only Christian conservative wireless provider").
posted by BungaDunga at 8:06 AM on October 11, 2022 [10 favorites]

Every picture of the inside of this guy's house looks precisely how i'd expect it to. Dishes for display, but not to be eaten off of. Uncomfortable-looking leather sofas. A giant bowl of lemons that will never be used. I could probably get stable diffusion to generate the rest of this place and be spot on.
posted by phooky at 8:20 AM on October 11, 2022 [7 favorites]

See also: Conservative comedy

Hah; that's funny!

(The comment, not conservative comedy.)
posted by TedW at 8:37 AM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]

"Patriot Mobile"

This made me automatically think of things like "Global Patriot Solutions." I wonder if they've gotten a cease-and-desist letter from the deeply ethical humanitarians at Raytheon?
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:42 AM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

Damn, this guy can’t even get his SPAC to buy into the company! And Thiel backed out! The guy who invests in podcasters!
posted by atoxyl at 9:18 AM on October 11, 2022 [7 favorites]

"Owning the libs" is not a business model.

An honest business person can make a good living off of branded businesses, even the eyerolly brands. Problem is anyone who wants to cater to this particular brand is likely to be a grifter who'll shoot the brand in the foot for short term grift. See using your personal mini mansion as the business office.
posted by Mitheral at 9:28 AM on October 11, 2022 [8 favorites]

(As a side note, this is just a delightful thing to read in the Wall Street Journal, which has been the print media of choice for Main Street Chamber of Commerce-type Republicans for as long as I can remember.)
posted by box at 10:22 AM on October 11, 2022 [3 favorites]

Since they're basically just a reseller, this sort of business shouldn't be that hard to pull off. Heck, there are companies that offer eg print-on-demand credit cards for other businesses that want to sell a branded credit card experience. Basically a neobank-in-a-box, you don't even have to bring your own sponsor bank.
posted by BungaDunga at 11:19 AM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Americans have come to believe big banks have moved too far left

Good thing I wasn't drinking coffee at the moment I read this.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 11:59 AM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]

Huh, BungaDunga, that link is an interesting slice of modernity. Some advertising, okay, some, mm, reified accounting categories, that could be quite useful for a company, then this:

Replace ACH, checks, and cash with payment cards for faster, safer funds transfers and earn interchange revenue while you're at it.

That revenue is coming from … where? If you owe someone $X you can’t pay them with a card that’s $X -$ObligatoryFee, can you?
posted by clew at 12:31 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

So our other banks aren't capitalist any more? Yay, the revolution won!
posted by zompist at 1:50 PM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

That revenue is coming from … where? If you owe someone $X you can’t pay them with a card that’s $X -$ObligatoryFee, can you?

For credit cards, interchange fees (I gather) are charged by Visa/Mastercard to the merchant to process a charge. You buy a $20 item, merchant gets $20 minus fees, Visa/Mastercard shares some of those fees go to whoever issued the card.

So when you are enticed by Delta Airlines to get an Delta Airlines branded credit card, Delta Airlines keeps some of the interchange fees. This company is making easier and cheaper to get in on that game. I assume they also take a lil' bit of the interchange fees for themselves.
posted by BungaDunga at 3:20 PM on October 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

> Dishes for display, but not to be eaten off of. Uncomfortable-looking leather sofas. A giant bowl of lemons that will never be used.

The TV that's too high up.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:09 PM on October 11, 2022 [4 favorites]

“Look, you can’t actually make credit cards out of bullets, but in 2022 you can raise infinity dollars by walking into the right room and saying the words “make credit cards out of bullets.” That is the financial innovation here.”—Matt Levine’s Money Stuff.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:36 PM on October 11, 2022 [16 favorites]

Owning the libs" is not a business model.

As said above, it totally is, and it should work like a champ, almost effortless.

For one thing, it's a screening method to get the people who are too smart out early. Then, the strategy is to claim [thing] has gotten out of control with lefty wokeness (whatever that is), WE NEED OUR OWN. Then you make [thing] and you have an automatic un-critical mass of people flocking to it.

Trouble is, you have to actually make [thing] and not destroy it with your own corruption. This is the part conservatives are terrible at. They're not creative, they can't make things, and they can't stop trying to steal ALL the money for themselves as fast as possible.

"Conservative" cat hats would totally kill if they had a Trumpy slogan on them and you could stay in character as the grass-roots conservative business owner saying ridiculous shit on social media, without wanting to shoot yourself in the face.
posted by ctmf at 5:33 PM on October 11, 2022 [12 favorites]

I guess this is the natural outcome when you try to out-conservative the financial big end of town. All those banks didn't survive the GFC by playing nice.
posted by dg at 6:53 PM on October 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

"Owning the libs" is not a business model.

Seems to be the best grift going right now, though.
posted by ryanshepard at 7:01 PM on October 11, 2022 [6 favorites]

Are there enough conservative cat owners though, with toxic masculinity and society coding cat ownership as contemptibly effeminate?
posted by acb at 2:45 AM on October 12, 2022 [4 favorites]

I'd think yes. Lots of conservative women out there. Besides when you picture some megalomaniac in his volcanic lair what's he petting?
posted by Mitheral at 5:15 AM on October 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

(As a side note, this is just a delightful thing to read in the Wall Street Journal, which has been the print media of choice for Main Street Chamber of Commerce-type Republicans for as long as I can remember.)

Not to worry: the editorial side of the paper will probably give Candace Owens some prime real estate for a reply shortly.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 6:51 AM on October 12, 2022 [2 favorites]

Cats? Conservative bs? Talk to your cat about gun safety! today!
posted by Jacen at 9:02 AM on October 15, 2022