A Office Holiday Comedy Of Bad Decisions
December 7, 2022 1:26 PM Subscribe
Over at Ask A Manager, proprietor Alison Green asked readers to recount their office holiday stories. Commenter Stella70 responded with a tale of youth, hubris, bad decisions, and copious amounts of alcohol.
wow, that is quite.a.story. I have hosted lotsa parties, with lotsa wasted-ass people who did not always respect my space but daaaaaaamn...
posted by supermedusa at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by supermedusa at 1:37 PM on December 7, 2022
AAM Bad Office Holiday Party stories are my favorite thing.
The closest one I have is when my office had an open bar, lots of good quality booze, but used volunteers instead of pros to barkeep who did some VERY heavy pours. And a dance floor+DJ. I saw booties shaking that I had never wanted to see do anything.
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
The closest one I have is when my office had an open bar, lots of good quality booze, but used volunteers instead of pros to barkeep who did some VERY heavy pours. And a dance floor+DJ. I saw booties shaking that I had never wanted to see do anything.
posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
The Anthrax CD detail is when the story veered in to "at least somewhat but probably completely made up" for me.
posted by saladin at 2:08 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by saladin at 2:08 PM on December 7, 2022
I have no trouble believing it. CD decks in cars were pretty common then, so sure, somebody grabbed it out of their car, why not.
posted by humbug at 2:24 PM on December 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by humbug at 2:24 PM on December 7, 2022 [10 favorites]
Is this really an "office holiday party"?? This is a (likely deeply embellished) *house party* that someone stupidly threw for all of their coworkers when they were young and naive. Sorry Stella70 but this judge rules that your office holiday party story does not count!!! Take it elsewhere!!
posted by windbox at 2:30 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by windbox at 2:30 PM on December 7, 2022
I find it quite credible that, in the early '90s, a)one of her hard-drinking, affair-having coworkers at the used-car dealership liked heavy metal, and b)they carried a bunch of CDs around in their car, possibly in one of those binder dealies.
I don't know if I'm all the way sold on the ring of pee, though.
posted by box at 3:12 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
I don't know if I'm all the way sold on the ring of pee, though.
posted by box at 3:12 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
I believe that CDs exist and were readily accessible. I don't believe that an office Christmas party full of middle-aged Minnesotans in the 90s would have accepted Anthrax as a soundtrack for that party or started a mosh pit in her living room. This is Ask A Manager's version of that guy who claimed he stole a brick of heroin from MS-13.
posted by saladin at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by saladin at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2022
When we sat down to a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant, the co-worker next to me asked, "Want some mushrooms?"
There were no mushrooms on the menu.
I miss the 1980's.
posted by ITravelMontana at 3:48 PM on December 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
There were no mushrooms on the menu.
I miss the 1980's.
posted by ITravelMontana at 3:48 PM on December 7, 2022 [5 favorites]
an AI probably wrote it
posted by glonous keming at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by glonous keming at 3:49 PM on December 7, 2022 [3 favorites]
She asked the guests to bring their own glasses? That's the weird part for me.
posted by queensissy at 3:59 PM on December 7, 2022
posted by queensissy at 3:59 PM on December 7, 2022
Every house party I ever had involved dudes peeing outside. And if it was cold, yeah I could buy them staying close to the house.
I can also buy that car dealership office parties are not like your average office parties. Sales people party haaard. Even in Minnesota.
Maybe it's fake, but not impossible.
posted by emjaybee at 4:08 PM on December 7, 2022 [16 favorites]
I can also buy that car dealership office parties are not like your average office parties. Sales people party haaard. Even in Minnesota.
Maybe it's fake, but not impossible.
posted by emjaybee at 4:08 PM on December 7, 2022 [16 favorites]
A car salesman party in the 90's with no mention of cocaine? Hmmmm.
posted by nestor_makhno at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by nestor_makhno at 4:11 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
Minnesota is the midwest. People drink.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 4:16 PM on December 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 4:16 PM on December 7, 2022 [11 favorites]
> She asked the guests to bring their own glasses? That's the weird part for me.
She probably hoped somebody would bring some solo cups; this doesn't strike me as all that strange.
posted by Pitachu at 4:53 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
She probably hoped somebody would bring some solo cups; this doesn't strike me as all that strange.
posted by Pitachu at 4:53 PM on December 7, 2022 [7 favorites]
Especially as she'd made it BYOB.
A car salesman party in the 90's with no mention of cocaine? Hmmmm.
...you think anyone offered the itty bitty girl just out of college who was naive enough to throw a house party like this any?
posted by sciatrix at 5:01 PM on December 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
A car salesman party in the 90's with no mention of cocaine? Hmmmm.
...you think anyone offered the itty bitty girl just out of college who was naive enough to throw a house party like this any?
posted by sciatrix at 5:01 PM on December 7, 2022 [8 favorites]
I once had to shoo my boss's spouse out of my roommate's performance automobile while they were making out with the newly hired sales associate in the below-freezing garage of my two story college rental home I offered for a holiday party for my first tech job out of said college. Not twice, but thrice - my roommate was not generous with the sanctity of said automobile. It was the late 90s in a state with ninety-degree corners.
Everything about this story is plausible and it is probably the merely NC-17 version.
posted by abulafa at 5:10 PM on December 7, 2022 [17 favorites]
Everything about this story is plausible and it is probably the merely NC-17 version.
posted by abulafa at 5:10 PM on December 7, 2022 [17 favorites]
...you think anyone offered the itty bitty girl just out of college who was naive enough to throw a house party like this any?
You think she would mention it if she partook?
posted by pwnguin at 5:33 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
You think she would mention it if she partook?
posted by pwnguin at 5:33 PM on December 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm surprised AAM didn't say anything about the best Elf on the Shelf story I've ever seen. EotS, WORK VERSION.
Our office did Elf on a Shelf last year to determine who worked the holidays and who didn’t. The office had always closed for a week at Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year with pay but the brass had decided they wanted people working in office during the holidays. Instead of telling us months in advance so we could mitigate our plans and come up with a fair way to distribute work and time off, they told us the week after Thanksgiving and thought it would be fun to get a bunch of those creepy Elf on a Shelf things, put them in every department and have the “Elf” decide who works.posted by jenfullmoon at 5:38 PM on December 7, 2022 [16 favorites]
Every morning we’d get a company wide email from different department “Elves” narcing on people and whoever has the most Elf “demerits” had to come in over the holidays. Technically the managers were the “elves” in scenario so as a manager I got stuck with a lot of rightly angry staff.
Demerits had nothing to do with performance, other managers chose thing like “being late”, “not enough holiday cheer” or “Sara wore blue and Elfie hates blue!” Deadass serious. We’d get dinged as a department for not having the most creative Elf scene. Other departments made a huge mess with powdered sugar and ketchup of all things trying to make an “elf scene” so after maintenance gave us all a slap on the wrist I told HR I’m not making my staff participate because they all plans in place for months and that this whole thing was weird and exclusionary to our staff who didn’t celebrate the holiday and that I was not making my staff come in unless they volunteered. To be honest, I was very angry about the whole thing. I had people in tears in my office daily, and one of my best employees came to me and very politely and professionally explained that this was a final straw for her and she would be looking elsewhere.
Apparently I wasn’t the only manager to protest this because HR sheepishly admitted everyone was getting the holidays off anyway and that “Santa” was going to email us all with the surprise later in December but it was such a disaster they were going to pull the plug on it. They just wanted to raise morale I guess.
They nixed it to everyone’s relief. My best employee stayed for a while but left on much better terms. Our department kept the Elf. They named him F*ckface (which I allow so long as we keep it chill) and blame him for errors and system outages. This year FF lives in a tissue box turned outhouse in the supply closet and comes out on staff work anniversaries. So it did raise morale, just not how they thought.
I don't know if I'm all the way sold on the ring of pee, though.
I'm imagining it's a half-circle. Guys standing just outside the door, peeing onto the snow. Once one guy gets the notion to sway back and forth, it's set the pattern for others to aim for.
posted by explosion at 6:59 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm imagining it's a half-circle. Guys standing just outside the door, peeing onto the snow. Once one guy gets the notion to sway back and forth, it's set the pattern for others to aim for.
posted by explosion at 6:59 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
Really missed the chance to call it "Ask a Manger" for that Christmas tie-in.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:37 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by wenestvedt at 7:37 PM on December 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
Went to a company party in....1994? which was at the New England Aquarium, with an open bar for the sea lion show. We all got kicked out.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:38 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by wenestvedt at 7:38 PM on December 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Christmas 1993. I worked as a driver at Pizza Hut. Someone had the bright idea to pool the holiday budget for each restaurant in the region and throw a proper party with free drinks and a DJ at a rented hall.
Lots of drinking and inappropriate sexual antics ensued. My boss sung my praises as an employee with her hand planted squarely on my ass. Word came down the next day that regional parties were officially verboten.
This story rings true (except for the lack of cocaine, but the narrator was probably too naive to realize the full extent of activity).
posted by Big Al 8000 at 8:13 PM on December 7, 2022
Lots of drinking and inappropriate sexual antics ensued. My boss sung my praises as an employee with her hand planted squarely on my ass. Word came down the next day that regional parties were officially verboten.
This story rings true (except for the lack of cocaine, but the narrator was probably too naive to realize the full extent of activity).
posted by Big Al 8000 at 8:13 PM on December 7, 2022
The cocaine was how the narrator stayed up until 9am cleaning. She just didn't mention it.
posted by misskaz at 5:13 AM on December 8, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by misskaz at 5:13 AM on December 8, 2022 [6 favorites]
The part that doesn't make sense to me is staying at the job for three years after like dude. I wouldn't talk to any of those people ever again.
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:43 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 5:43 AM on December 8, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm also going to suggest that, while it may have started as a work holiday party, it didn't stay that for long.
80 people in a tiny, increasingly smoke-filled house with one bathroom and no food? Everyone with any sense probably peaced out after an hour or two.
I've worked at plenty of places where a good chunk of the holiday party attendees were basically there to drink free booze as fast as they can and then go do something they actually enjoyed.
posted by box at 5:49 AM on December 8, 2022
80 people in a tiny, increasingly smoke-filled house with one bathroom and no food? Everyone with any sense probably peaced out after an hour or two.
I've worked at plenty of places where a good chunk of the holiday party attendees were basically there to drink free booze as fast as they can and then go do something they actually enjoyed.
posted by box at 5:49 AM on December 8, 2022
In the early nineties I moved into a house in North York, a Toronto suburb, with a young woman. We had both recently moved to the city but we had grown up nearby and knew a fair number of people there. We both invited a bunch of coworkers from our respective jobs and some friends.
We had told people 8:00 Friday night. By 8:30 something like five people of the two or three dozen we had invited had turned up, and I figured it was a bit of a bust.
By 10:00 there were maybe seventy people in our little house. The last of them left on Sunday afternoon. The property damage was less than in the linked story — no unattributed vomit, no ashtray stairwell skiing, and no circle o’ urine — but there were a few knock-on annoyances. Like the woman in TFA, we lived in a house next door to our landlords and this was like Weekend #2 of our neighbour relationship. Things were a bit cagey after that for a while.
As well, my fledgling band played its first (?) show at the house on the Friday evening. It was well-received although it was not a terribly tight gig. Specifically, I recall we played a cover of The Doors’ “Love Me Two Times.” The lineup was a singer, two guitars, bass, and drums; I was playing bass. During the point in the original where there is a very constrained keyboard solo, my band mates all took simultaneous solos. I used to have a cassette of that show and it was very instructive to hear what everyone soloing around a rock-solid bass part sounded like. Unfortunately an ex-roommate borrowed the cassette to listen to something on the other side and it was lost. Pity.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:37 AM on December 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
We had told people 8:00 Friday night. By 8:30 something like five people of the two or three dozen we had invited had turned up, and I figured it was a bit of a bust.
By 10:00 there were maybe seventy people in our little house. The last of them left on Sunday afternoon. The property damage was less than in the linked story — no unattributed vomit, no ashtray stairwell skiing, and no circle o’ urine — but there were a few knock-on annoyances. Like the woman in TFA, we lived in a house next door to our landlords and this was like Weekend #2 of our neighbour relationship. Things were a bit cagey after that for a while.
As well, my fledgling band played its first (?) show at the house on the Friday evening. It was well-received although it was not a terribly tight gig. Specifically, I recall we played a cover of The Doors’ “Love Me Two Times.” The lineup was a singer, two guitars, bass, and drums; I was playing bass. During the point in the original where there is a very constrained keyboard solo, my band mates all took simultaneous solos. I used to have a cassette of that show and it was very instructive to hear what everyone soloing around a rock-solid bass part sounded like. Unfortunately an ex-roommate borrowed the cassette to listen to something on the other side and it was lost. Pity.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:37 AM on December 8, 2022 [3 favorites]
People in their 30s wouldn't have listened to Anthrax, a band that had by that point already been around since they were teenagers? The only unbelievable thing here is that anyone finds this story implausible. As far as the cocaine: it would not have been strictly necessary for things to happen as reported but it wouldn't have hurt, although how easily we also forget the stimulant effects of nicotine. As a former smoker and Michigander I definitely miss those frosty winter ragers - nothing quite like suiting up to go outside to smoke, and drawing that mix of cold and smoky air in while looking up at crisp dark skies.
posted by Dokterrock at 10:37 PM on December 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Dokterrock at 10:37 PM on December 8, 2022 [1 favorite]
I used to have a cassette of that show and it was very instructive to hear what everyone soloing around a rock-solid bass part sounded like.
Like this! Everybody solo!
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:51 AM on December 9, 2022
Like this! Everybody solo!
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:51 AM on December 9, 2022
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posted by box at 1:29 PM on December 7, 2022 [11 favorites]