“Bonjour! Mon anus est plein d'artillerie.”

December 21, 2022 5:14 AM

France Live: “Saturday, December 17, the Sainte-Musse hospital in Toulon. This 88-year-old man came to the emergency room with a shell stuck in his anus. For safety, part of the hospital had to be evacuated.” BFM Toulon Var: “The man claimed to have found this shell seven inches in length and 3.5 inches in width (18 cm to 9 cm) at his brother's house.” Interesting Engineering: “The patient was taken into surgery for the removal of the shell from his anus. The 88-year-old man is reportedly in good health.” This is, of course, a regular mishap amongst European men in December. Related: Historical French royal anal surgery.
posted by Wordshore (49 comments total)

Honestly, I would rather have a bug up my ass.
posted by DJZouke at 5:37 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

Ah, a weapon of ass destruction. As I saw elsewhere, "I'm not kinkshaming, but I am kink asking why."
posted by NoxAeternum at 5:48 AM on December 21, 2022 [52 favorites]

(the post title is the new "My hovercraft is full of eels")
posted by Wordshore at 5:49 AM on December 21, 2022 [15 favorites]

Million to one shot, Doc!
posted by adamrice at 5:58 AM on December 21, 2022 [13 favorites]

Considering how easily SAFE butt plugs can be purchased on the internet, I am always amazed and astonished when people deliberately introduce dangerous objects into their rectum! o.O

I wonder how many of them are doing it

a) on a bet

b) because they are very, VERY drunk
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 6:01 AM on December 21, 2022 [5 favorites]

He must have been mortar-fied.
posted by misteraitch at 6:03 AM on December 21, 2022 [28 favorites]

"But monsieur, when you...'slipped and fell in the bath,' as you say, why did you have the artillery shell quite so nearby your tub?"
posted by wenestvedt at 6:06 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

The 88-year-old man

Bucket list artist.
posted by adept256 at 6:21 AM on December 21, 2022 [9 favorites]

Ultima Ratio Regum, amirite?
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:24 AM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]

"Ultima Ratio Rectum," surely.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:25 AM on December 21, 2022 [17 favorites]

ass?

one of these stories is from the UK!

I mean the arse-nal joke is just, er, sitting right there!
posted by chavenet at 6:36 AM on December 21, 2022 [15 favorites]

A few more details, from a Herald Sun piece:

Bomb disposal experts at the scene determined there was little possibility the shell would explode inside the man. “They reassured us by telling us that it was a collector’s item from the First World War, used by the French military,” the hospital stated.

“An apple, a mango or even a can of shaving foam, we are used to finding unusual objects inserted where they shouldn’t be,” one doctor declared. “But a shell? Never!”

Medics were forced to take the elderly man into surgery, cutting open his abdomen in order to remove the relic.

It’s believed the patient inserted the item into his anus for sexual pleasure.
posted by Wordshore at 6:40 AM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]

...I hid this uncomfortable piece of artillery up my ass for one hundred and four years. Then, I was sent to hospital. And now, little surgeon, I give the shell to you.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 6:49 AM on December 21, 2022 [9 favorites]

I had to read the post in puzzlement re: danger to *others* at least five times before I realized that this intrusion did not occur while the man was sitting on the sand at the beach. One man's shell is another man's, um...shell.

Glad they didn't have to evacuate, sorry that he couldn't evacuate, and so on and on...
posted by DMelanogaster at 6:55 AM on December 21, 2022 [7 favorites]

Marcel the Shell, hopefully without shoes on
posted by miles per flower at 7:03 AM on December 21, 2022 [6 favorites]

"I'm not kinkshaming, but I am kink asking why."

Obviously he wanted to dress up as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
posted by biffa at 7:04 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

damn near killedum
posted by flabdablet at 7:05 AM on December 21, 2022 [15 favorites]

Reading the post, it also took me a while to work out that what was being referred to was in fact ordnance. I initially took "shell" to mean something some kind of marine mollusc had grown, like a conch or somesuch, and my own arse nearly shrank itself inside out at the thought of all those lumpy spiky bits and sharp edges.
posted by flabdablet at 7:09 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

Also: do you want explosive diarrhoea? Because that's how you get explosive diarrhoea.
posted by flabdablet at 7:12 AM on December 21, 2022 [27 favorites]

this intrusion did not occur while the man was sitting on the sand at the beach

which is just as well for him, sand being as poor a lubricant as it is.
posted by flabdablet at 7:15 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

I initially took "shell" to mean something some kind of marine mollusc had grown, like a conch or somesuch, and my own arse nearly shrank itself inside out at the thought of all those lumpy spiky bits and sharp edges

Worse than that - cone shells have painful and potentially lethal barbed stingers; and shells can also be hiding blue ringed octopus (very venomous)
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:28 AM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]

It's a good thing human evolution mostly happened before artillery became available.
posted by tommasz at 7:45 AM on December 21, 2022 [7 favorites]

...I hid this uncomfortable piece of artillery up my ass for one hundred and four years. Then, I was sent to hospital. And now, little surgeon, I give the shell to you.


If circumstances allow at the end of my life, I plan to sign my body over to science, and, um, arrange for a few medical students in Gross Anatomy to learn that their Silent Teacher can pull a prank too.
posted by ocschwar at 7:49 AM on December 21, 2022 [5 favorites]

How do you say "without a base, without a trace" en Français?
posted by rhooke at 7:57 AM on December 21, 2022 [2 favorites]

This is, of course, a regular mishap amongst European men. Really (link to a 1 hour French documentary dealing specifically with our topic - scroll down a little bit for the reader). A proctologist opens the cupboard wherein he keeps his most remarkable found objects.
posted by nicolin at 7:57 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

They'll be here all week folks, so drink up and enjoy your pasta!
posted by y2karl at 8:00 AM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]

Also, this is one way to redefine the zone rouge.
posted by NoxAeternum at 8:01 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

The fellow wouldn't happen to be a Florida Man en vacance by chance?
posted by BWA at 8:03 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

"You are the Assman."
posted by praemunire at 8:10 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

All Quiet in the Southwestern Rear
posted by Rumple at 8:14 AM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]

I wonder how many of them are doing it
a) on a bet
b) because they are very, VERY drunk

Why not both!?
posted by Thorzdad at 8:23 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

Wordshore: seven inches in length and 3.5 inches in width

Aww, that looks exactly like an artillery shell, but smaller.
posted by emelenjr at 8:46 AM on December 21, 2022 [6 favorites]

skibap badap
posted by flabdablet at 8:59 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

→ A proctologist opens the cupboard wherein he keeps his most remarkable found objects.

Most remarkable of all is that the cupboard itself was once surgically removed from …
posted by scruss at 9:39 AM on December 21, 2022 [5 favorites]

Also, please tell me that the “le bistouri "recourbé à la royale"” mentioned in the "historical" part of the OP's link has the traditional bee thumb rest of Thiers and Laguiole knives. It really looks like it does.

(image not linked because, frankly, cw on colossal historical arse devices)
posted by scruss at 9:47 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

Wait, wait, I like Urgencies! I have a nuke up my butt, it's even more urgent than it was before I had a nuke up my butt.
posted by Oyéah at 10:01 AM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

That reminds me, it’s almost time for The Defector’s annual round up of what we got stuck in our rectums last year. Here is the 2021 FPP, complete with obligatory “Million to one shot, doc!” comment.
posted by TedW at 10:31 AM on December 21, 2022 [3 favorites]

How do you say "without a base, without a trace" en Français?

Sans une base, ni une trace !

(We share about 80% of our nouns, just the accent changes!)
posted by ellieBOA at 10:54 AM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]

An 88-year-old man goes to the emergency with an artillery shell in his anus.

The shell is removed from his anus successfully.


Seems like the development of AI-generated humor is doing pretty well with subject matter and setup, but there's still some work to do around punchlines.
posted by nickmark at 11:12 AM on December 21, 2022 [6 favorites]

None of these tales ever consider foreign bodies found in other orifices, sadly. As a medical student, I still remember the guy who told me about how he needed to see a urologist after a drunken incident with a shish kabob skewer.
posted by greatgefilte at 3:09 PM on December 21, 2022 [1 favorite]

None of these tales ever consider foreign bodies found in other orifices, sadly.

Defector does an annual rundown of foreign bodies in orifaces, starting at the head and working down. They also pair this with What We Did To Mr Happy This Year.
posted by NoxAeternum at 5:33 PM on December 21, 2022 [4 favorites]

Seems like the development of AI-generated humor is doing pretty well with subject matter and setup, but there's still some work to do around punchlines.

An 88-year-old man goes to the emergency with an artillery shell in his anus.

"The light was on."
posted by flabdablet at 12:27 AM on December 22, 2022 [3 favorites]

the guy who told me about how he needed to see a urologist after a drunken incident with a shish kabob skewer.

That's both horrible-sounding and horrible sounding.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 8:15 AM on December 22, 2022 [8 favorites]

And that's why you don't engage an amateur demolitions "expert", cause he obviously misunderstood how you get a charge out of ordinance.
posted by allium cepa at 2:37 PM on December 22, 2022 [2 favorites]

a shish kabob skewer

Was it made of metal, or splintery bamboo?

Urethral "sounding" devices are a thing.
posted by porpoise at 2:55 PM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]

Dude is 88, it may be this is the only way he can get it up any more.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:08 PM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]

Dude is 88, it may be this is the only way he can get it up any more.
posted by y2karl at 3:24 PM on December 22, 2022 [1 favorite]

...seven inches in length and 3.5 inches in width
~Aww, that looks exactly like an artillery shell, but smaller.

Today’s winner of the internet.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:02 AM on December 23, 2022 [2 favorites]

The Defector year in orifaces recap is now up.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:28 AM on December 27, 2022 [1 favorite]