Begun The Coffee Wars Have
February 14, 2023 1:50 PM Subscribe
In another "tell everyone your crazy office story" submission request, Ask A Manager proprietor Alison Green called for the craziest stories regarding workplace caffeination. The readers did not disappoint.
Highlights include a five figure coffee kitty, coffee as a tech support ticket, the hostility of the penny, and other such tales.
Highlights include a five figure coffee kitty, coffee as a tech support ticket, the hostility of the penny, and other such tales.
I am not a coffee drinker but I really did enjoy that year at a game dev company where the trade show manager had been given a couple cases of Bawls and had no use for them. One case found its way into my office, where it lived out the rest of its short life. (Aside from the unfortunate name, Bawls actually makes (made?) some of my favorite energy drinks by flavor.)
posted by restless_nomad at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
We should remember, too, that the very first webcam was set-up to remotely monitor the current fill status of a coffee pot.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [58 favorites]
posted by Thorzdad at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [58 favorites]
I don’t really have any stories per se, but one of my former co-workers always seemed to have a coffee not only on the go but in her hand, like the guy in Trailer Park Boys who always had a rum and Coke.
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 2:16 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
The grumpiest I've ever seen a floor of engineers was the week they told us we were switching coffee suppliers in my office and there was no coffee in the building for the entire week. We had a starbucks downstairs, but you would have thought the universe had ground to a halt.
Now that I'm remote, I only have myself to blame if I don't get my 3 pints of iced coffee per day
posted by drewbage1847 at 2:17 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
Now that I'm remote, I only have myself to blame if I don't get my 3 pints of iced coffee per day
posted by drewbage1847 at 2:17 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
As a non-coffee-drinker, I get so tired of hearing about coffee drama.
I feel like Doris Egan's "Two-Bit Heroes" had the best commentary on coffee addiction. Sadly I can't link to anything online explaining this, but there's a coffee equivalent called tah on that planet and one day the gangster band is in trouble and the leader basically throws a giant party and then gets everyone drunk/high and then listens to what they say. However, our narrator is a scholar of cross-cultural myths and legends and blabs to him about Robin Hood....so he gets the idea to steal EVERYONE's tah/coffee until the government finally gives up and says, "we'll give you whatever you want, just give us our drinks back."
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
I feel like Doris Egan's "Two-Bit Heroes" had the best commentary on coffee addiction. Sadly I can't link to anything online explaining this, but there's a coffee equivalent called tah on that planet and one day the gangster band is in trouble and the leader basically throws a giant party and then gets everyone drunk/high and then listens to what they say. However, our narrator is a scholar of cross-cultural myths and legends and blabs to him about Robin Hood....so he gets the idea to steal EVERYONE's tah/coffee until the government finally gives up and says, "we'll give you whatever you want, just give us our drinks back."
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
A bit over 10 years ago, I was at IBM in Sydney and they decided to stop providing free instant coffee at one of their very out of the way worksites in order to save money (west pennant Hills for any Sydney IBM'ers out there)
But they did provide paid coffee at this site, with a comfortable place to sit. So what did we all do? Instead of getting a free cup and going back to our desk, we would buy one with our workmates and spend a very long time relaxing.
Of course it's IBM, they really didn't give a damn about the lost productivity, as long as their expenses went down.
posted by Bluepenguin05 at 2:23 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
But they did provide paid coffee at this site, with a comfortable place to sit. So what did we all do? Instead of getting a free cup and going back to our desk, we would buy one with our workmates and spend a very long time relaxing.
Of course it's IBM, they really didn't give a damn about the lost productivity, as long as their expenses went down.
posted by Bluepenguin05 at 2:23 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
I'm not a coffee drinker, so I'm usually amused when coffee issues escalate in my office, though nothing ever to the point of the ones in article. The only time I got into anything over coffee was with one organization that automatically deducted a few bucks a month from everyone for the "coffee fund". It was not a huge amount, but I tried to make the point to HR that for those of us who don't drink coffee, it felt like we were being asked to subsidize other people in the office. It was pointed out that the fund was also used for things like birthday cakes, etc., so I suggested it be changed to a "social fund" and gave up the conversation because it felt like pushing on a rope. Name never got changed, and over the years I was there, I overheard several other non-coffee drinkers making their plans to go talk with HR or payroll about it. So much time wasted.
posted by nubs at 2:25 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by nubs at 2:25 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
Can't help but read #3 as workers cheating themselves out of WFH. "No free coffee???"
posted by user92371 at 2:25 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by user92371 at 2:25 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't drink coffee. Once in a new office someone was very insistent that I contribute to the monthly coffee fund even though they knew I didn't drink coffee. "We need coffee to function well as an office. Don't you want us to be happy?"
I suggested that we also set up a mandatory cigarette fund for the people who smoked. "Why should non-smokers have to pay for cigarettes?" "Because they need cigarettes to function well as part of the office. Don't you want them to be happy?"
I was left alone after that and gained status with the cigarette smokers.
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:28 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
I suggested that we also set up a mandatory cigarette fund for the people who smoked. "Why should non-smokers have to pay for cigarettes?" "Because they need cigarettes to function well as part of the office. Don't you want them to be happy?"
I was left alone after that and gained status with the cigarette smokers.
posted by ITravelMontana at 2:28 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
In the first dot com boom I worked for a British-owned company that contracted with some terrible supplier for coffee and tea in the US office. In theory this was because it was a British company (and in the home office, tea was more important than coffee) but I was told by tea drinkers that the tea was only marginally better than the coffee was. And whoever was responsible for the contract wasn't in the US anyway, so they never had to deal with any direct consequences of the lousy concession. On the lunch break on my first day, after having tried the "coffee" in the break room, I went to a nearby Target and bought a kettle, a French press, and a new grinder, and from that day on I was That Guy.
Whenever I start a new job my wife prevents me from taking my coffee paraphernalia on my first day ("You can go out for coffee. It'll be fine. You'll survive.") but two out of the three office jobs I've started during our relationship have been in places where it turned out there was already a Coffee Culture in place and I would have fit right in. The third one, though, just had a Keurig, and the only coffee joint in walking distance was a Starbucks with a constant line out the door. That first day was hard.
posted by fedward at 2:29 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
Whenever I start a new job my wife prevents me from taking my coffee paraphernalia on my first day ("You can go out for coffee. It'll be fine. You'll survive.") but two out of the three office jobs I've started during our relationship have been in places where it turned out there was already a Coffee Culture in place and I would have fit right in. The third one, though, just had a Keurig, and the only coffee joint in walking distance was a Starbucks with a constant line out the door. That first day was hard.
posted by fedward at 2:29 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
My favorite is 12, refusing to take the bait from the helpless baby-men who didn’t want to brew their own coffee.
The closest I saw was in an accounting office for a drilling company, where certain guys would use the Keurig, see me waiting to go next, and pointedly leave their used coffee pods in the machine for me to remove and throw away.
It’s one thing to leave the pod behind absent-mindedly because you haven’t had your coffee yet. It’s another thing to look someone straight in the eye and grin while you’re doing it.
posted by armeowda at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
The closest I saw was in an accounting office for a drilling company, where certain guys would use the Keurig, see me waiting to go next, and pointedly leave their used coffee pods in the machine for me to remove and throw away.
It’s one thing to leave the pod behind absent-mindedly because you haven’t had your coffee yet. It’s another thing to look someone straight in the eye and grin while you’re doing it.
posted by armeowda at 2:31 PM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
YES omg #12:
What I learned on day one of my new schedule is all the men who started at 7 would arrive, go sit in the breakroom, and wait for the women to show up and make coffee. The first morning I came in they all perked up and seemed visibly disappointed when I made my tea and went back to my desk. On day two they started mournfully talking about how much they wanted coffee while I was making my tea. On day three they whined how hard it was to wait for the admin to arrive make coffee, and if sure would be nice if it got made earlier. On day four one of them stood up and suggested I make coffee. I pointed out I don’t drink coffee. He pointed out the instructions were posted next to the machine. To which I said yep, you’d be just as good as I would be at following those, and left for my desk.posted by spamandkimchi at 2:34 PM on February 14, 2023 [31 favorites]
I was there for 12 years, drinking tea and never touching the coffee maker.
All of this is just reconfirming that I never, ever, ever want to work in an office again. I cannot imagine a greater hell.
posted by Dysk at 2:35 PM on February 14, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by Dysk at 2:35 PM on February 14, 2023 [12 favorites]
Many years ago I had one other non-coffee-drinker coworker who apparently went into the office early in the morning. I was told that some lady who thought she was a big shot and was in there early on occasion was giving him shit for not making the coffee. Even though he didn't drink coffee. And I would like to note that those who do not make coffee probably have no idea how to make it "good."
On a related note, I took a class in process mapping that turned into "teach the non-coffee-drinker how to make good coffee." I sat there and everyone argued over coffee making. I still don't know how to make coffee or care :P
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
On a related note, I took a class in process mapping that turned into "teach the non-coffee-drinker how to make good coffee." I sat there and everyone argued over coffee making. I still don't know how to make coffee or care :P
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
I've never really picked up a taste for coffee (with some rare exceptions), which manages to strike people as extra odd given that I'm in Seattle & I like dark beer. The closest thing to a story I have is when curiosity got the better of me & I realized that I could buy a bottle of Doc Funranium's Black Blood of the Earth and spread it out among the office so I didn't feel like I was wasting buying a whole bottle just for my own sake.
Now, this stuff is potent. Very potent. Vacuum-extracted single-origin coldbrew. It has 40x the caffeine content ounce per ounce, with pretty much no bitterness or acidity to it. I wasn't so foolhardy as to jump right to the Robusta version; but the maker still recommends a 100ml/day limit. A shot per person seems like a reasonable unit, for them to try neat or mix with hot water or what have you.
At this point, I'd spent some years doing weekly mini-demos from my beer collection, so people are well used to me bringing odd things in to try. And coffee is always welcome. So the bottle is quickly distributed, coffee is complimented, and people go back to work. And then a low rumbling starts. Earthquake? It's Seattle, but no. Viaduct traffic? Doesn't seem out of the ordinary.
Turns out, even 50ml of the stuff's enough to work through the caffeine tolerance of a floor of Seattle coffee drinkers, and enough people were bouncing their legs that the floor was vibrating.
posted by CrystalDave at 2:51 PM on February 14, 2023 [33 favorites]
Now, this stuff is potent. Very potent. Vacuum-extracted single-origin coldbrew. It has 40x the caffeine content ounce per ounce, with pretty much no bitterness or acidity to it. I wasn't so foolhardy as to jump right to the Robusta version; but the maker still recommends a 100ml/day limit. A shot per person seems like a reasonable unit, for them to try neat or mix with hot water or what have you.
At this point, I'd spent some years doing weekly mini-demos from my beer collection, so people are well used to me bringing odd things in to try. And coffee is always welcome. So the bottle is quickly distributed, coffee is complimented, and people go back to work. And then a low rumbling starts. Earthquake? It's Seattle, but no. Viaduct traffic? Doesn't seem out of the ordinary.
Turns out, even 50ml of the stuff's enough to work through the caffeine tolerance of a floor of Seattle coffee drinkers, and enough people were bouncing their legs that the floor was vibrating.
posted by CrystalDave at 2:51 PM on February 14, 2023 [33 favorites]
Reminds me of when the office crank screamed at me in a crowded break room for taking the last of the coffee and not making more. Boy was she embarrassed when I held up a dripping tea bag and asked if it looked like coffee to her. That was some tasty righteous indignation.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:58 PM on February 14, 2023 [21 favorites]
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:58 PM on February 14, 2023 [21 favorites]
I always resented, as a tea drinker who dislikes coffee, not having access to decent hot water for brewing a cuppa. In offices with coffee services, there would often be tea bags, but they expected you to use the hot water dispenser part of the big giant coffee machine, which is just coffee water and therefor disgusting, or to microwave your water, which anyone can tell you is awful and doesn't make a good brew. If you wanted loose leaf, though, that was right out--and the best you could expect was Lipton, Constant Comment, or maybe English Breakfast or Earl Grey that was so generic and bland it insulted your tongue. To this day I will not drink Earl Grey again--bleh. I really valued the one time I worked at a food cooperative's office, because tea drinking was more normalized there (although it was often--ptui!--herbal) and they had a hot water dispenser on the water filter. It may have spit scalding water on my hand all the time, but that was an improvement over coffee water.
The coffee service wars bored me. I was like, you people have no clue what it is to be truly put out for your caffeination. Every conference, every meeting, every anything was always just a grudging acceptance of having a couple measly bad teabags to select, gross water that had gone lukewarm if you were lucky, and nowhere to dump your bag once you'd made your pathetic weak tea.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2023 [11 favorites]
The coffee service wars bored me. I was like, you people have no clue what it is to be truly put out for your caffeination. Every conference, every meeting, every anything was always just a grudging acceptance of having a couple measly bad teabags to select, gross water that had gone lukewarm if you were lucky, and nowhere to dump your bag once you'd made your pathetic weak tea.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 3:00 PM on February 14, 2023 [11 favorites]
PAYING IN PENNIES IS A HOSTILE ACT.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [19 favorites]
posted by kirkaracha at 3:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [19 favorites]
...the trollies were replaced with hot drink vending machines where pretty much everything tasted of soup. Except the soup.
I was at a Tottenham Hotspur match once and the hot chocolate came out of the same spout as the hot beef drink. It was only slightly beefy.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:18 PM on February 14, 2023 [24 favorites]
I was at a Tottenham Hotspur match once and the hot chocolate came out of the same spout as the hot beef drink. It was only slightly beefy.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:18 PM on February 14, 2023 [24 favorites]
My best beverage story concerns an early embrace of swipe-cards. Everyone could swipe into the main office but only Grade VI and above could swipe into the executive toilets etc. Then the company integrated the coffee machine so that employees could use their swipe-card to pay for hot drinks and have the cost deducted by payroll. So much data: enough to calculate how long it took coffee to percolate through executive kidneys.
posted by BobTheScientist at 3:23 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by BobTheScientist at 3:23 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
PAYING IN PENNIES IS A HOSTILE ACT.
Yeah, somebody clearly needs to cut back their caffeine intake...
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yeah, somebody clearly needs to cut back their caffeine intake...
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:35 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
as a little kid it was not uncommon for the parents to get one of us to bring coffees out to the guests, we are talking instant Nescafe coffee. I used the water from boiling eggs by mistake, I'd like to imply this was some Katzenjammer Kids-level prank but just kind of clueless honestly, but they sure got that sulfur-y, egg-y taste in their coffees.
posted by elkevelvet at 3:41 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by elkevelvet at 3:41 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
We had a coffee-adjacent issue in the office some years ago. Someone kept stealing all the cutlery & crockery from the break room. There was originally a very generous supply of plates, cups, glasses, mugs, all sorts of cutlery and implements etc when we moved in there and, after a couple of years, it was pretty much all gone. There was so much angst and time devoted to trying to convince a very well-funded public agency to just buy some fucking mugs and spoons that a few of us got sick of it and just pooled some money and sent someone off to Ikea to buy as much as the pooled money allowed. Some people tried to get upset about that because of the whole capitulation when we should have died in the trenches thing, but a few 'don't be a fucking idiot' s sent them off muttering into their mugs.
posted by dg at 3:43 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by dg at 3:43 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
#6 can't possibly be true: "The soda explosions finally stopped when the managers got tired of the complaints and sent out an email banning drinks in the freezer."
Everyone knows that emails sent out regarding breakroom things are never adhered to. It's only second in ineffectiveness to a sign posted in the breakroom itself.
posted by hydra77 at 3:49 PM on February 14, 2023 [10 favorites]
Everyone knows that emails sent out regarding breakroom things are never adhered to. It's only second in ineffectiveness to a sign posted in the breakroom itself.
posted by hydra77 at 3:49 PM on February 14, 2023 [10 favorites]
Obligatory: Kids in the Hall - Secretaries - Decaf
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:53 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:53 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
Foyles, the English bookshop on Charing Cross, used to have a tea trolley that was pushed around the store. When the woman running the tea trolley retired they found she had a surplus of £160,000 (taken from here, which is not the best source but chimes with what I remember- I think they used the float from the tea trolley to stay in business during a particularly bad management era)
posted by The River Ivel at 3:59 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by The River Ivel at 3:59 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
soda does not do well when frozen. The can would then explode in the freezer.Wait. What? People were cleaning up after this person twice a week for several months... I am skeptical.
The freezer would look like a war zone. Frozen soda EVERYWHERE. Over frozen lunches, the walls, the door… And worst of all, they started doing it at least twice a week every week for several months.
Surely someone would have set up a hidden camera or otherwise figured out who was doing it. And then deposited the next freezer contents onto jerkface's desk.
However, the tea drinkers — including the ones in the other building — had to bring their used teabag to the office manager in order to receive a new one.What. No really.
As an office manager who sees the absolutely miniscule amount of "waste" in the office compared to the field staff, sales reps and executives is kind of hilarious. Tragically hilarious. Because this is the sort of atmosphere where the lowest paid people in the organization end up spending their own money on both coffee supplies and office supplies, while everyone else uses their gas cards all weekend and out of town, make multi-thousand dollar mistakes in budgets or like, put the wrong color siding on a $70,000 job, "accidentally" put a pricey dinner or boat mortgage payment or you know, porn (Yes. Twice.) on a company credit card. But sure, ration the f*cking tea bags of the woman who hopes the gas in her tank will last until the next paycheck.
Apparently I have feelings about it.
Maybe the tea bag one was not real.
posted by Glinn at 3:59 PM on February 14, 2023 [26 favorites]
Turns out, even 50ml of the stuff's enough to work through the caffeine tolerance of a floor of Seattle coffee drinkers, and enough people were bouncing their legs that the floor was vibrating.
I 100% expected this to be another different kind of coffee induced rumbling which would be hilarious in an office setting where the available toilets usually don't match up well with the number of potentially roiled digestive systems.
posted by srboisvert at 4:00 PM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
I 100% expected this to be another different kind of coffee induced rumbling which would be hilarious in an office setting where the available toilets usually don't match up well with the number of potentially roiled digestive systems.
posted by srboisvert at 4:00 PM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
Here’s one from 20 years ago, with a strong “don’t attribute to malice…” undertone.
I worked concessions in a regional theatre. I was usually the designated coffee-preparer, because I was often the only coffee drinker on a given shift. We used those huge 55-cup percolator urns, and the usual measure for a theatre crowd was 35 cups of decaf and 55 cups of regular.
One Saturday matinee, I was late, so my coworker (young and totally unfamiliar with coffee) did his best to wing it in my absence.
He dispensed 55 cups’ worth of water into one urn and 35 cups’ worth into the other, measured out the proportional amounts of grounds into the brew baskets…
And then he apparently switched the baskets.
Every patron who ordered regular coffee that day got a very weak decaf, and the ones who ordered decaf got extra-super-strength regular. And this was a matinee crowd, which tended to skew geriatric.
Fortunately, no casualties were reported, but there were some priceless facial expressions. I bought the poor kid lunch and promised never to be late again.
posted by armeowda at 4:01 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
I worked concessions in a regional theatre. I was usually the designated coffee-preparer, because I was often the only coffee drinker on a given shift. We used those huge 55-cup percolator urns, and the usual measure for a theatre crowd was 35 cups of decaf and 55 cups of regular.
One Saturday matinee, I was late, so my coworker (young and totally unfamiliar with coffee) did his best to wing it in my absence.
He dispensed 55 cups’ worth of water into one urn and 35 cups’ worth into the other, measured out the proportional amounts of grounds into the brew baskets…
And then he apparently switched the baskets.
Every patron who ordered regular coffee that day got a very weak decaf, and the ones who ordered decaf got extra-super-strength regular. And this was a matinee crowd, which tended to skew geriatric.
Fortunately, no casualties were reported, but there were some priceless facial expressions. I bought the poor kid lunch and promised never to be late again.
posted by armeowda at 4:01 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
Metafilter: only slightly beefy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:05 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:05 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
I work for the government. Yer on yer own if you want coffee.
posted by fimbulvetr at 4:06 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by fimbulvetr at 4:06 PM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
i wonder if there's a correlation of "too much bikeshedding coffeeshedding about coffee" and a company's jumping the shark
posted by slater at 4:15 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by slater at 4:15 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
I worked for a while at Starbucks HQ and there were two coffee stations on every floor, and nearly all of them had different equipment, and a full compliment of all types of milk, including non-dairy. There was even a Clover machine on one floor, which I learned to use; it made very good coffee, but took too long to make, given how long it took me to get to that particular machine.
Fast forward several years and I was working at Expedia when they moved into their fancy new waterfront HQ. Each floor had at least two coffee stations, and I think there were roughly 6-8 different kinds. My favorite station had a great (like commercial-level) espresso machine, and a separate grinder.
Good coffee is so nice to have on demand.
posted by dbmcd at 4:19 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
Fast forward several years and I was working at Expedia when they moved into their fancy new waterfront HQ. Each floor had at least two coffee stations, and I think there were roughly 6-8 different kinds. My favorite station had a great (like commercial-level) espresso machine, and a separate grinder.
Good coffee is so nice to have on demand.
posted by dbmcd at 4:19 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
All these stories make me glad I only drink diet soda for caffeine and don't have to mess with making any of it.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 4:22 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by gentlyepigrams at 4:22 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
which she would grind fresh each morning.
Sometimes when I venture into reading about coffee on sites other than, like, home-barista, I remember how low the bar is for what people often consider particularly good.
My story is about one of my PIs when I worked in academic research. He was overpaid (despite being a second-body hire to his wife at an Ivy, where his wife was in a particularly renowned department; this feels relevant somehow). I can't remember why he wanted a bean-to-cup (superautomatic) espresso machine, but he did. Couldn't spend grant money on it of course. He got special dispensation to (a) spend startup fund (mostly unrestricted) money on it, and (b) sell off a lot of old computers to fill up the startup fund. I was put in charge of finding a superauto with dual hoppers so he could have his morning regular, midmorning half-caf, and afternoon decaf.
It was used so infrequently, and cleaned even less frequently. (Hugely gross given that it was the kind that sucked up milk, foamed it, and dispensed it into the cup.)
At the time of course I thought it was ridiculously expensive, costing over $1000. My calibration has gotten all messed up since then; it's a stretch for me to recommend an espresso focused grinder for less.
If I had to go into an office I would definitely be Spyros from Billions.
posted by supercres at 4:26 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sometimes when I venture into reading about coffee on sites other than, like, home-barista, I remember how low the bar is for what people often consider particularly good.
My story is about one of my PIs when I worked in academic research. He was overpaid (despite being a second-body hire to his wife at an Ivy, where his wife was in a particularly renowned department; this feels relevant somehow). I can't remember why he wanted a bean-to-cup (superautomatic) espresso machine, but he did. Couldn't spend grant money on it of course. He got special dispensation to (a) spend startup fund (mostly unrestricted) money on it, and (b) sell off a lot of old computers to fill up the startup fund. I was put in charge of finding a superauto with dual hoppers so he could have his morning regular, midmorning half-caf, and afternoon decaf.
It was used so infrequently, and cleaned even less frequently. (Hugely gross given that it was the kind that sucked up milk, foamed it, and dispensed it into the cup.)
At the time of course I thought it was ridiculously expensive, costing over $1000. My calibration has gotten all messed up since then; it's a stretch for me to recommend an espresso focused grinder for less.
If I had to go into an office I would definitely be Spyros from Billions.
posted by supercres at 4:26 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was gonna tell a story about my office but just realized that I linked to the thread on Teams already, so, nevermind.
posted by hearthpig at 4:33 PM on February 14, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by hearthpig at 4:33 PM on February 14, 2023 [12 favorites]
When my sister started working in the '60's, she was expected to make the coffee for the group, as 'the new girl'. (See again #12)
I always wondered how long I would have lasted as the designated coffee maker in an office, as I would have had no interest in how 'good' it tasted or how it was properly done.
(I've been told that if I tried 'good' coffee, I'd like it, but I sincerely doubt it. I'm sticking to my namesake.)
posted by MtDewd at 4:34 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
I always wondered how long I would have lasted as the designated coffee maker in an office, as I would have had no interest in how 'good' it tasted or how it was properly done.
(I've been told that if I tried 'good' coffee, I'd like it, but I sincerely doubt it. I'm sticking to my namesake.)
posted by MtDewd at 4:34 PM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
Turns out, even 50ml of the stuff's enough to work through the caffeine tolerance of a floor of Seattle coffee drinkers, and enough people were bouncing their legs that the floor was vibrating.
I told this story somewhere on MeFi before but I'll try to recap a short version.
I'm working as temp in a major civil engineering firm as a graphic artist in the marketing department. The rest of our huge floor of like 100 regular employees are no-fooling-around engineers complete with CAD workstations, plotters, blueprints and a seriously quaint number of actual drafting desks with real paper and pencil.
Just a couple of years before I was working there California finally banned all smoking indoors in every place of business no matter what, and these old school engineers were still salty about not being able to pound coffee and chain smoke right at their desks. I would imagine it was something straight out of 1960s Apollo era NASA except with bridges and reservoirs instead of rockets. We're talking people unironically walking around with short sleeve button down shirts and ties and overstuffed pocket protectors, and this was the mid 90s.
So they built an illicit and highly over-engineered smoking room on the floor that exhausted the air so rapidly that you could probably use the whole room as a fume hood.
And, anyway, the coffee, predictably, is horrible and the absolute worst of the worst and comes in pre-measured sealed drip basket packs like oversized teabags. Like worse than 1980s era Denny's coffee, very watery, provided by one of those industrial supply companies that also provides janitorial supplies.
So one day I buy some decent coffee and bring it in and I make some coffee, because I just want some coffee that doesn't suck. It wasn't even anything amazing, just some pre-ground Starbuck's or something that hadn't been sitting in a warehouse next to a bunch of string mops and floor wax for several years before being brewed.
And I make some, nice strong coffee and go about my day, which as I recall I went back and made more coffee a few more times before lunch because of course it's not going to sit around and be there when I get back. I don't even think to tell anyone about it, and this is long before things like official work emails or other messaging channels for unimportant things like coffee were a ting.
Hoooo boy. You'd think I dosed the whole floor with MDMA or something. The illicit smoking room was packed with engineers chain smoking and wired out of their skulls. It's like a goddamn rave in the break room and engineers are arguing with each other and generally losing their minds.
And then a building-wide email went out - paraphrasing heavily - asking who brought in the nice coffee and thank you but please never do that again.
posted by loquacious at 4:48 PM on February 14, 2023 [56 favorites]
I told this story somewhere on MeFi before but I'll try to recap a short version.
I'm working as temp in a major civil engineering firm as a graphic artist in the marketing department. The rest of our huge floor of like 100 regular employees are no-fooling-around engineers complete with CAD workstations, plotters, blueprints and a seriously quaint number of actual drafting desks with real paper and pencil.
Just a couple of years before I was working there California finally banned all smoking indoors in every place of business no matter what, and these old school engineers were still salty about not being able to pound coffee and chain smoke right at their desks. I would imagine it was something straight out of 1960s Apollo era NASA except with bridges and reservoirs instead of rockets. We're talking people unironically walking around with short sleeve button down shirts and ties and overstuffed pocket protectors, and this was the mid 90s.
So they built an illicit and highly over-engineered smoking room on the floor that exhausted the air so rapidly that you could probably use the whole room as a fume hood.
And, anyway, the coffee, predictably, is horrible and the absolute worst of the worst and comes in pre-measured sealed drip basket packs like oversized teabags. Like worse than 1980s era Denny's coffee, very watery, provided by one of those industrial supply companies that also provides janitorial supplies.
So one day I buy some decent coffee and bring it in and I make some coffee, because I just want some coffee that doesn't suck. It wasn't even anything amazing, just some pre-ground Starbuck's or something that hadn't been sitting in a warehouse next to a bunch of string mops and floor wax for several years before being brewed.
And I make some, nice strong coffee and go about my day, which as I recall I went back and made more coffee a few more times before lunch because of course it's not going to sit around and be there when I get back. I don't even think to tell anyone about it, and this is long before things like official work emails or other messaging channels for unimportant things like coffee were a ting.
Hoooo boy. You'd think I dosed the whole floor with MDMA or something. The illicit smoking room was packed with engineers chain smoking and wired out of their skulls. It's like a goddamn rave in the break room and engineers are arguing with each other and generally losing their minds.
And then a building-wide email went out - paraphrasing heavily - asking who brought in the nice coffee and thank you but please never do that again.
posted by loquacious at 4:48 PM on February 14, 2023 [56 favorites]
I cannot stop laughing at Orange Dinosaur Slide and the tasty righteous indignation.
All these stories make me glad I only drink diet soda for caffeine and don't have to mess with making any of it.
Damn right, this is why I drink Mountain Dew if I feel sleepy in-office. I'm not any kind of tea snob beyond insisting that I have a lot of honey in it (at least we got that in the office) so I wouldn't expect it to be "good," but making hot office beverage is generally not worth the effort.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:58 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
All these stories make me glad I only drink diet soda for caffeine and don't have to mess with making any of it.
Damn right, this is why I drink Mountain Dew if I feel sleepy in-office. I'm not any kind of tea snob beyond insisting that I have a lot of honey in it (at least we got that in the office) so I wouldn't expect it to be "good," but making hot office beverage is generally not worth the effort.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:58 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
Companies provide free coffee to their employees because it is, at this time, illegal to provide free amphetamines. Discuss.
posted by the sobsister at 5:08 PM on February 14, 2023 [25 favorites]
posted by the sobsister at 5:08 PM on February 14, 2023 [25 favorites]
Surely someone would have set up a hidden camera or otherwise figured out who was doing it. And then deposited the next freezer contents onto jerkface's desk.Not coffee, but it involves beverages tangentially and happened at a very famous university where I was briefly working in the enterprise IT group before coming to my senses. Also the coffee there was terrible – when someone used the “Tropical Coconut-Raspberry” beans several of us departed to the nearest real coffee shop until the impressively-strong artificial fragrance fumes cleared — so even at free it cost too much.
Anyway, they had an ice maker in the break room. One day someone noticed that the ice tasted funny, like tomatoes. They figured someone had spilled something and cleaned the machine. The next week it happened again. And again. And again.
They knew one of my colleagues and he scrounged up a webcam, which was covertly installed in the break room. A couple of days later, they watched as a colleague opened the fridge, saw someone else’s Tupperware full of baked pasta, looked around to make sure they were alone, grabbed the scoop from the ice machine and took a giant shovelful. They’d probably never have been caught if they’d used a normal spoon, and I feel sorry for the manager who had to tell someone in their 50s that other people’s lunches were off limits.
posted by adamsc at 5:10 PM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]
Nowadays, I have an actual prescription for stimulants, but I spent a long time self-medicating. At one point, I had to stop drinking coffee because of acidity issues, so I switched to green tea. To me, green tea tastes pretty bitter when brewed with actual boiling water, but quite delicious swim brewed at around 70 to 80°. It turns out that pouring a cup of boiling water into a room-temperature mug, and waiting ten seconds, reliably reduces its temperature by about 10°. So when teatime rolled around, I’d have three mugs in a row and waterfall from one to the next on a 10 second cadence. Two mugs would go back in the cupboard, having had nothing but a boiling-water rinse.
A lot of weird looks… but it also opened up a bunch of conversations, as it was eccentric but harmless.
posted by sixswitch at 5:11 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
A lot of weird looks… but it also opened up a bunch of conversations, as it was eccentric but harmless.
posted by sixswitch at 5:11 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
I was once asked by my church to not make the Sunday coffee ever again. I guess most people don’t like it to be 150% strength.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 5:18 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 5:18 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
Ugh, church coffee is universally so weak and lukewarm that, at least among my circles, it's become a descriptor for similarly awful coffee. "Eww, this tastes like church coffee."
posted by xedrik at 5:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 5:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
I am a coffee drinker. Big fan. I've actually cut back from my 3-cups-of-French-press daily to one cup from a single-serve (non-Keurig) coffee maker. But yes, coffee. I love it.
Even when I worked in an office, I always brought my own. I did not trust office coffee. Mostly, it was always terrible. I kept a few Starbucks Via packs in my bag, just in case. They weren't great, but better than whatever cheap coffee the office was pouring. There were a few times I drank the office coffee and it was bad (one place I worked had a Keurig and that was fine, but the coffee pods were always some cheap vanilla-flavored something).
So yes, I will brew my own coffee and drink my own coffee, and on the rare occasions I can't, I'll buy it from somewhere (I permanently work from home so that's almost never). I am so happy to opt out of any office coffee drama.
posted by edencosmic at 5:23 PM on February 14, 2023
Even when I worked in an office, I always brought my own. I did not trust office coffee. Mostly, it was always terrible. I kept a few Starbucks Via packs in my bag, just in case. They weren't great, but better than whatever cheap coffee the office was pouring. There were a few times I drank the office coffee and it was bad (one place I worked had a Keurig and that was fine, but the coffee pods were always some cheap vanilla-flavored something).
So yes, I will brew my own coffee and drink my own coffee, and on the rare occasions I can't, I'll buy it from somewhere (I permanently work from home so that's almost never). I am so happy to opt out of any office coffee drama.
posted by edencosmic at 5:23 PM on February 14, 2023
I’m still stuck on the existence of toast trolleys?? I was already aware of the English desire for cold toast sitting in a rack but why on earth would you want or need toast at your desk and then have dirty dishes sitting on it for half the day? Were there not crumbs everywhere? Greasy little finger marks? Is toast the whole breakfast? What time are you eating it? Do you not eat at home before going to work? Why toast? Is the love of toast really that great in the UK? Please tell me more of your toast culture
posted by raccoon409 at 5:32 PM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 5:32 PM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]
I loved this (and love Ask a Manager)!
My favorite office coffee scene is this one from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I think about it often, especially when a coffee machine breaks.
posted by earth by april at 6:06 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
My favorite office coffee scene is this one from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I think about it often, especially when a coffee machine breaks.
posted by earth by april at 6:06 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
I learned to drink coffee in the Navy. It is a big deal.
Back in 1975 or so, I was a Navy air traffic controller. I was married to another Navy ATC. She worked at Nas Miramar, a tower supervisor at the absolute height of Topgun and F14's and all the rest. I would occasionally get temporary duty there when the aircraft carrier I was stationed was in port.
The tower at Miramar was on top of the Operations Building. The floor just below the tower was where the the admiral of all the Fighter and Airborne Early Warning squadrons for the entire Pacific Fleet worked, and his staff. This was Rear Admiral Kinnear when we were there. Usually, the big staff never came upstairs, but Mr. Kinnear liked to come up sometimes and just watch. A nice guy.
We had a "coffee mess" upstairs and it cost a quarter a cup. The first day he visited, my ex's tower crew was working, and he helped himself to a cup, and sipped away while he watched. He got up to leave, carrying the little styrofoam cup...and my ex wife told him he owed the tower crew a quarter. Nicely, of course.
About five minutes later, the admiral's aide came upstairs with the quarter. That story became legendary among the Navy controller world back then.
We were 25 years old. We thought we owned the world.
posted by pthomas745 at 6:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
Back in 1975 or so, I was a Navy air traffic controller. I was married to another Navy ATC. She worked at Nas Miramar, a tower supervisor at the absolute height of Topgun and F14's and all the rest. I would occasionally get temporary duty there when the aircraft carrier I was stationed was in port.
The tower at Miramar was on top of the Operations Building. The floor just below the tower was where the the admiral of all the Fighter and Airborne Early Warning squadrons for the entire Pacific Fleet worked, and his staff. This was Rear Admiral Kinnear when we were there. Usually, the big staff never came upstairs, but Mr. Kinnear liked to come up sometimes and just watch. A nice guy.
We had a "coffee mess" upstairs and it cost a quarter a cup. The first day he visited, my ex's tower crew was working, and he helped himself to a cup, and sipped away while he watched. He got up to leave, carrying the little styrofoam cup...and my ex wife told him he owed the tower crew a quarter. Nicely, of course.
About five minutes later, the admiral's aide came upstairs with the quarter. That story became legendary among the Navy controller world back then.
We were 25 years old. We thought we owned the world.
posted by pthomas745 at 6:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
A couple of days later, they watched as a colleague opened the fridge, saw someone else’s Tupperware full of baked pasta, looked around to make sure they were alone, grabbed the scoop from the ice machine and took a giant shovelful. They’d probably never have been caught if they’d used a normal spoon, and I feel sorry for the manager who had to tell someone in their 50s that other people’s lunches were off limits.
So am I understanding correctly that not only did that person eat another's lunch, but that they used the ice machine scoop to eat the lunch with... like a monster?
posted by hydra77 at 6:28 PM on February 14, 2023 [11 favorites]
Decades ago I did a mentoring gig teaching grognard COBOL programmers to screen scrape an AS/400 application using Microsoft Visual Basic. The place was six stories and something like 1,000 programmers worked in that building. Not a single coffee maker in the whole place. Not even a buck-a-cup vending machine. I honestly think it was a major factor in them going under.
posted by ob1quixote at 7:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by ob1quixote at 7:02 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
Regarding using the freezer to chill sodas: there's a right way to do this, and you'll reliably get a perfectly chilled drink in about half an hour. The only quicker way I know of is to use a bucket of ice-water, and this requires a lot less prep work.
First, get a few sheets of paper towel, enough to wrap around the can and cover most of the surface (works best with cans, tho bottles are ok too). Wrap the beverage in the paper towel. Get the paper towel wet and squeeze off most of the excess water; you want the paper towel heavily dampened but not sopping wet. Stick it in the freezer. Put a 25 minute timer on your phone, otherwise you will regret what happens if you forget it. You should have a cold ~40 degrees F or less beverage once the timer runs out. (Remember to discard the paper towel.)
I don't remember where I learned this trick but I use it all the time when I forget to stick a soda can in the fridge or whatever. The physics of it actually rely on the water evaporating in the freezer (which it does even though it's cold because it is extremely dry there) and the evaporation takes a lot more heat out of the can in the same period of time than plain exposure to cold does.
posted by Aleyn at 7:04 PM on February 14, 2023 [13 favorites]
First, get a few sheets of paper towel, enough to wrap around the can and cover most of the surface (works best with cans, tho bottles are ok too). Wrap the beverage in the paper towel. Get the paper towel wet and squeeze off most of the excess water; you want the paper towel heavily dampened but not sopping wet. Stick it in the freezer. Put a 25 minute timer on your phone, otherwise you will regret what happens if you forget it. You should have a cold ~40 degrees F or less beverage once the timer runs out. (Remember to discard the paper towel.)
I don't remember where I learned this trick but I use it all the time when I forget to stick a soda can in the fridge or whatever. The physics of it actually rely on the water evaporating in the freezer (which it does even though it's cold because it is extremely dry there) and the evaporation takes a lot more heat out of the can in the same period of time than plain exposure to cold does.
posted by Aleyn at 7:04 PM on February 14, 2023 [13 favorites]
> I learned to drink coffee in the Navy. It is a big deal.
When I read about the Navy and coffee, it's always about their weird tradition of never, ever, under any circumstances washing their cups, and the big stories are always about how some newbie would 'helpfully' wash everyone's mugs.
posted by WaylandSmith at 7:34 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
When I read about the Navy and coffee, it's always about their weird tradition of never, ever, under any circumstances washing their cups, and the big stories are always about how some newbie would 'helpfully' wash everyone's mugs.
posted by WaylandSmith at 7:34 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
Heh, back in the warehouse are of the Best Buy I worked at for a while, the stains on your unwashed coffee cup were your ranking of seniority.
posted by zengargoyle at 7:49 PM on February 14, 2023
posted by zengargoyle at 7:49 PM on February 14, 2023
I keep reading about how we have to be back at the office so we can build relationships with coworkers and be more productive.
Then I read threads like these (and my own lived experience), and don't think folks who say that have a freakin' clue what they are talking about.
posted by MrGuilt at 9:28 PM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]
Then I read threads like these (and my own lived experience), and don't think folks who say that have a freakin' clue what they are talking about.
posted by MrGuilt at 9:28 PM on February 14, 2023 [8 favorites]
Dirty mugs reminds me of another coffee-related discovery from the same PI.
Apparently if you leave a forgotten cup of coffee on your desk for long enough you can count how many days it’s been there by the cool/warm cycles of the automated thermoses causing stripes of evaporation.
Gross af, but it was his desk that no one else has to be near.
posted by supercres at 1:56 AM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Apparently if you leave a forgotten cup of coffee on your desk for long enough you can count how many days it’s been there by the cool/warm cycles of the automated thermoses causing stripes of evaporation.
Gross af, but it was his desk that no one else has to be near.
posted by supercres at 1:56 AM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Many years ago, I started a part-time job in a small office. My set arrival time was later than everyone else, so when I arrived coffee was already made by the receptionist. The first week or so, every day I helped myself to a cup, as my manager had indicated I could ("the coffee pot is in there, it's free".)
After about a week, the receptionist stopped me on my way out for the day and asked "aren't you going to clean the coffee pot?" I told her my manager had not indicated I should, so no. She said I should clean it because I drank some every day. The thing is, everyone was drinking it and no one else was cleaning the pot, so it felt very much like she was trying to pull something, to offload a hated task onto the new person.
But, since her stated reason had been that I was obligated to clean the pot because I'd had a cup, I simply stopped drinking the coffee from work, which pissed her off to no end. She complained off and on about me not cleaning the pot for the next several months, at which point I left the company (for unrelated reasons.) She's probably still bitching about it to this day.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:51 AM on February 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
After about a week, the receptionist stopped me on my way out for the day and asked "aren't you going to clean the coffee pot?" I told her my manager had not indicated I should, so no. She said I should clean it because I drank some every day. The thing is, everyone was drinking it and no one else was cleaning the pot, so it felt very much like she was trying to pull something, to offload a hated task onto the new person.
But, since her stated reason had been that I was obligated to clean the pot because I'd had a cup, I simply stopped drinking the coffee from work, which pissed her off to no end. She complained off and on about me not cleaning the pot for the next several months, at which point I left the company (for unrelated reasons.) She's probably still bitching about it to this day.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:51 AM on February 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
So am I understanding correctly that not only did that person eat another's lunch, but that they used the ice machine scoop to eat the lunch with... like a monster?I don’t remember whether they scooped pasta into a bowl or ate it directly, but there was a lick described in vivid detail because that was the closest thing to being cleaned that the scoop got before being put back in the ice machine.
posted by adamsc at 5:13 AM on February 15, 2023
>> The freezer would look like a war zone. Frozen soda EVERYWHERE. Over frozen lunches, the walls, the door… And worst of all, they started doing it at least twice a week every week for several months.
> Wait. What? People were cleaning up after this person twice a week for several months... I am skeptical.
Surely someone would have set up a hidden camera or otherwise figured out who was doing it.
This basically happened at my former office. Our company had just moved into these fancy new digs, complete with free coffee, snacks, a nice sink and dishwasher, etc.
Just fine working remotely and never having to deal with this garbage again.
posted by jeremias at 5:45 AM on February 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
> Wait. What? People were cleaning up after this person twice a week for several months... I am skeptical.
Surely someone would have set up a hidden camera or otherwise figured out who was doing it.
This basically happened at my former office. Our company had just moved into these fancy new digs, complete with free coffee, snacks, a nice sink and dishwasher, etc.
- Shortly thereafter, a company wide email goes out mentioning that the garbage disposal was out of service and the newly appointed office manager went into detail: "Over the last two weeks I have seen 1/2 eaten sandwiches, multiple apple cores, orange peels, chicken wing bones, handfuls of peanuts, and coffee stirrers in the drain (just to name a few) which is simply not the purpose of the disposal. Please stop."
- The next week, after the disposal was fixed, someone in the office (who most likely had other issues) apparently did not appreciate the chastising tone. Because the next week, there was a pen in the disposal that also shut it down.
- Got fixed again. Next week it was broke again, this time it was a spoon wedged into the disposal.
- That's when the security camera was placed above the sink, and the malfeasance stopped.
Just fine working remotely and never having to deal with this garbage again.
posted by jeremias at 5:45 AM on February 15, 2023 [7 favorites]
The hospital where I work has a shitty Starbucks stand on the first floor. And until recently, that was the only coffee within a several blocks radius (new independent shop now open, but it is still a hike).
As a result, in my office I have an old drip coffeemaker, a French press, an Aeropress, a pour over basket, a hand grinder, an electric kettle, and several bags of single-origin beans. That is in addition to the bucket of Nespresso capsules for the machine my friend donated to the office, and the larger single-pot Bunn machine our office used for the communal pot (paired with a burr grinder for whole bean). Oh yeah, and in case of real need, we also have a big industrial Bunn that makes like 2.5 liters at a time, into an Airpot.
The coffee rules I put in place are simple. If you want coffee, bring in beans to share. No cash, because that way lies strife. If you are the first one in for the day, here’s how to turn on the machine and make coffee. If you are the last one taking coffee, here’s how to correctly shut down the machine.
Tea drinkers need not despair, there’s also a communal electric kettle in the break room.
posted by caution live frogs at 5:51 AM on February 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
As a result, in my office I have an old drip coffeemaker, a French press, an Aeropress, a pour over basket, a hand grinder, an electric kettle, and several bags of single-origin beans. That is in addition to the bucket of Nespresso capsules for the machine my friend donated to the office, and the larger single-pot Bunn machine our office used for the communal pot (paired with a burr grinder for whole bean). Oh yeah, and in case of real need, we also have a big industrial Bunn that makes like 2.5 liters at a time, into an Airpot.
The coffee rules I put in place are simple. If you want coffee, bring in beans to share. No cash, because that way lies strife. If you are the first one in for the day, here’s how to turn on the machine and make coffee. If you are the last one taking coffee, here’s how to correctly shut down the machine.
Tea drinkers need not despair, there’s also a communal electric kettle in the break room.
posted by caution live frogs at 5:51 AM on February 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
racoon409 - a little piece of toast, previously
posted by Gratishades at 6:04 AM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Gratishades at 6:04 AM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was on 12 hour shifts at night. Occasionally, someone would make a late pot on day shift. I’d find out because they didn’t cut the pot off when they left and eventually I’d get to smell the super concentrated coffee scab bubbling on the bottom as it was starting to burn. I’d cut the pot off and put it outside. Of course, in the morning the crowd would look for the coffee pot and bitch because it was outside and it was nasty. I’d get asked why I didn’t cut it off. I’d reply “I don’t drink coffee, so I pay zero attention to the pot.” Somehow this flummoxed them.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by kabong the wiser at 6:09 AM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by kabong the wiser at 6:09 AM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
The toast and tea trolley sounds like a dream. My office replaced our perfectly serviceable automatic espresso machines with giant contraptions that slowly make individual cups of shockingly awful drip coffee. Leadership tried to pacify us by reminding us that we can watch the machine's stupid advertisements play while we wait for our garbage water coffee. They also removed all the tea caddies, so clearly they're punishing us for something.
posted by Stoof at 7:10 AM on February 15, 2023
posted by Stoof at 7:10 AM on February 15, 2023
raccoon409: I’m still stuck on the existence of toast trolleys?? I was already aware of the English desire for cold toast sitting in a rack but why on earth would you want or need toast at your desk and then have dirty dishes sitting on it for half the day?
Last time we had a non-binding referendum Britain was 51/48 or so wrong'uns. For me, toast to melt the fat spread you put on it so it's crunchy and creamy -- and celebrity cook/eater Nigella Lawson even suggests double-buttering, where additional non-melted butter is added onto the melted-butter toast.
Maybe that's wrong, but there are family feuds over strength of a cuppa and there will be people who think I'm a wrong'un for my choices -- I'm here for the enjoyment not the prescription of hot drink and toast choices.
posted by k3ninho at 7:27 AM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Last time we had a non-binding referendum Britain was 51/48 or so wrong'uns. For me, toast to melt the fat spread you put on it so it's crunchy and creamy -- and celebrity cook/eater Nigella Lawson even suggests double-buttering, where additional non-melted butter is added onto the melted-butter toast.
Maybe that's wrong, but there are family feuds over strength of a cuppa and there will be people who think I'm a wrong'un for my choices -- I'm here for the enjoyment not the prescription of hot drink and toast choices.
posted by k3ninho at 7:27 AM on February 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
>My company provides coffee machines on every floor but charges 20 cents per cup (except for “meeting coffee,” which is free).
I was really expecting this one to devolve into everyone scheduling fake meetings just to avoid the 20 cent fee.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 7:58 AM on February 15, 2023 [10 favorites]
I was really expecting this one to devolve into everyone scheduling fake meetings just to avoid the 20 cent fee.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 7:58 AM on February 15, 2023 [10 favorites]
My first job in my chosen career was at a state government agency that didn't offer coffee at all, so I got used to making my own the way I like it (single-cup pourover evolving to Aeropress, and I only drink 1 or occasionally 2 cups a day so that's not much effort). After that job I continued the habit at subsequent jobs regardless of coffee availability. Until this thread I had no idea how much drama I've avoided!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:02 AM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:02 AM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
The one clear win of WFH for me is that I can make whatever coffee I want now, but they took away our free coffee (and, later, filtered water) a couple of years before COVID-19 sent us home.
No water!
posted by wenestvedt at 11:36 AM on February 15, 2023
No water!
posted by wenestvedt at 11:36 AM on February 15, 2023
Turns out even solitary domestic pursuit of caffeinated bliss can have its perils.
One of the last 3 or 4 of my old glass vacuum coffee pots just blew up in my face. I was wondering why it was taking the coffee so long to go down into the lower vessel, and when I bent down to get my very nearsighted eyes close enough to see what was happening, it imploded, filling my face with hot coffee and shards of glass.
I have very minor cuts on both sides of my nose and under my left eye, but despite that I wasn’t wearing glasses no glass got in my eyes. They both got plenty of hot coffee though, and while i don’t think hot coffee eyewashes are ever likely to become a thing, they are both bearing up rather well.
This is the third time a coffee related glass item has imploded right in my face; the first two, a glass thermos filler and a few years later an Italian pink glass vacuum insulated demitasse cup, both filled my right eye with tiny silvered slivers of glass, but somewhat miraculously I thought, the worst consequence I suffered was a sensation of roughness when I blinked over the course of the next day.
There are just people who never learn, and I guess those people are my people!
posted by jamjam at 2:54 PM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
One of the last 3 or 4 of my old glass vacuum coffee pots just blew up in my face. I was wondering why it was taking the coffee so long to go down into the lower vessel, and when I bent down to get my very nearsighted eyes close enough to see what was happening, it imploded, filling my face with hot coffee and shards of glass.
I have very minor cuts on both sides of my nose and under my left eye, but despite that I wasn’t wearing glasses no glass got in my eyes. They both got plenty of hot coffee though, and while i don’t think hot coffee eyewashes are ever likely to become a thing, they are both bearing up rather well.
This is the third time a coffee related glass item has imploded right in my face; the first two, a glass thermos filler and a few years later an Italian pink glass vacuum insulated demitasse cup, both filled my right eye with tiny silvered slivers of glass, but somewhat miraculously I thought, the worst consequence I suffered was a sensation of roughness when I blinked over the course of the next day.
There are just people who never learn, and I guess those people are my people!
posted by jamjam at 2:54 PM on February 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
3 coffee stories:
1. I worked with a man who was in the US Navy and work on a nuclear submarine. In the procedures manual, if there is a power outage, the first two circuits that are to be brought back on line are the one running the reactor and the one running the coffee maker. The reasoning being that if you had the reactor going and coffee, everything else was gravy.
2. One day he went into the officer's galley to get a cup of coffee and someone intercepted him and got him a coffee from a different source. Apparently, several of the officers were being dickheads, so they put hydraulic fluid into their coffee.
3. I worked at a startup that did a high performance 3D graphics engine in 1996. One of the perks was a coffee service. This came in the form of 3 enormous hoppers with differing varieties of beans each labeled something like Sumatran Explosion or Columbian Buzz and the hoppers had integrated grinders and there was a coffee machine with an inline water filter. You put a coffee filter in the basket, shoved it into one of the 3 hoppers, pushed a button and it ground the "right" amount of beans into the filter. You then put it in the machine and pushed another button and it proceeded to brew you coffee with the filtered water. I do not drink coffee. I think it smells great, but tastes awful. Nearly everyone else in the building was mainlining it. I made alternate labels for each of the hoppers so they now read "Swill", "Mud" and "Bilgewater" and waited to see how long before anyone noticed.
posted by plinth at 4:36 PM on February 15, 2023
1. I worked with a man who was in the US Navy and work on a nuclear submarine. In the procedures manual, if there is a power outage, the first two circuits that are to be brought back on line are the one running the reactor and the one running the coffee maker. The reasoning being that if you had the reactor going and coffee, everything else was gravy.
2. One day he went into the officer's galley to get a cup of coffee and someone intercepted him and got him a coffee from a different source. Apparently, several of the officers were being dickheads, so they put hydraulic fluid into their coffee.
3. I worked at a startup that did a high performance 3D graphics engine in 1996. One of the perks was a coffee service. This came in the form of 3 enormous hoppers with differing varieties of beans each labeled something like Sumatran Explosion or Columbian Buzz and the hoppers had integrated grinders and there was a coffee machine with an inline water filter. You put a coffee filter in the basket, shoved it into one of the 3 hoppers, pushed a button and it ground the "right" amount of beans into the filter. You then put it in the machine and pushed another button and it proceeded to brew you coffee with the filtered water. I do not drink coffee. I think it smells great, but tastes awful. Nearly everyone else in the building was mainlining it. I made alternate labels for each of the hoppers so they now read "Swill", "Mud" and "Bilgewater" and waited to see how long before anyone noticed.
posted by plinth at 4:36 PM on February 15, 2023
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like kerosene!"
"Then that must be tea, sir; our coffee tastes like dirt."
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:03 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Then that must be tea, sir; our coffee tastes like dirt."
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:03 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
I, not a coffee drinker, am responsible for making coffee for a few hundred people every morning at work. I take a ridiculous amount of pride in never running out; I get so much satisfaction from someone starting to say "I think this one's run out..." and me swinging the new, full carafe in front of them before they can finish.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:54 PM on February 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:54 PM on February 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
My absolute worst coffee-in-the-workplace story is when I briefly worked at the cafe in the student union during my freshman year of college. This was my first food service job and I knew not a single thing. Since I have always been an early bird by nature, I was totally fine with working the opening shift. Of course, the first thing to do was to get the big old pot of coffee going, right? Right. Easy to do. But also, complete failure.
Because evidently the person who was scheduled to work the last shift the prior night was also new to the gig. They helpfully shut the power off on the coffee rig, so when I showed up in the morning, the water had cooled to room temperature. Doesn't make good coffee.
This happened a few times in a row and before long I just quit. I never repeated the first disaster (cluelessly selling weak room temp coffee-water), but the water reservoir took hours to heat up again, so the coffee shop just plain didn't have coffee on my shift. Otherwise the job was decent enough--didn't mind the hours, didn't mind working the counter--but having to deal with severely pissed-off customers because of some other person's screwup was not worth whatever wage they paid me.
posted by Sublimity at 7:57 PM on February 15, 2023
Because evidently the person who was scheduled to work the last shift the prior night was also new to the gig. They helpfully shut the power off on the coffee rig, so when I showed up in the morning, the water had cooled to room temperature. Doesn't make good coffee.
This happened a few times in a row and before long I just quit. I never repeated the first disaster (cluelessly selling weak room temp coffee-water), but the water reservoir took hours to heat up again, so the coffee shop just plain didn't have coffee on my shift. Otherwise the job was decent enough--didn't mind the hours, didn't mind working the counter--but having to deal with severely pissed-off customers because of some other person's screwup was not worth whatever wage they paid me.
posted by Sublimity at 7:57 PM on February 15, 2023
Decades ago I did a mentoring gig teaching grognard COBOL programmers to screen scrape an AS/400 application using Microsoft Visual Basic.
I love it when you talk nerdy.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:24 PM on February 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
I love it when you talk nerdy.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:24 PM on February 21, 2023 [1 favorite]
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We are in a business campus in Brooklyn and my boss is really into cross-collaboration with the other residents....one of which is a coffee roaster about a five-minute walk away from us. So we cut a deal with them and we get a regular supply; and another guy set up a CostCo account for us and regularly gets a bunch of Keurig pods for the people who like decaf. So this has never been an issue.
....then again, we are a tech company, so I think the higher-ups just accepted that "our staff NEEDS to be caffeinated in order for anything to get done." (There is also a Red Bull supply.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:11 PM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]