I can't tell you what researching this piece did to my browsing history
October 2, 2023 3:20 PM Subscribe
The Inaugural "Please Don't Let Any of These People Become President" Merchandise Awards. Garrett Bucks, writer and founder of The Barnraisers Project, finally throws his hands up in the air and evaluates the current crop of Republican "Presidential candidates" (besides you-know-who) on the only criteria that really matters - the quality of their campaign merchandise. (Main link is for his SubStack, for those who object to SubStack.)
"Of all the ways that American politics is a scam and a farce, none is scammier and more farcical than the current Republican primary campaign [. . . ] There is no rational explanation for the whole affair other than as a marketing exercise, a means of keeping America’s most vaingloriously bumptious authoritarians relevant for the CPAC and Laura Ingraham circuit. And that’s why it’s important to evaluate the candidates on the most honest scale possible: Not as “leaders”, not as holders of valid ideologies, but as brands.
It’s time to talk merchandise."
"Of all the ways that American politics is a scam and a farce, none is scammier and more farcical than the current Republican primary campaign [. . . ] There is no rational explanation for the whole affair other than as a marketing exercise, a means of keeping America’s most vaingloriously bumptious authoritarians relevant for the CPAC and Laura Ingraham circuit. And that’s why it’s important to evaluate the candidates on the most honest scale possible: Not as “leaders”, not as holders of valid ideologies, but as brands.
It’s time to talk merchandise."
In the latest poll, 31 percent said they’d definitely support Trump (margin of error of plus or minus 4.5 percentage points)
18 years, nothing changes
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 3:56 PM on October 2, 2023 [9 favorites]
18 years, nothing changes
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 3:56 PM on October 2, 2023 [9 favorites]
In the latest poll, 31 percent said they’d definitely support Trump (margin of error of plus or minus 4.5 percentage points)
18 years, nothing changes
Over the weekend, we went with some friends to a mid-size-town’s street fair. Carnival rides, oodles of food, and a huge tent full of local merchants’ wares. Said wares included more pro-Trump, Fuck Biden, Faith-Family-Firearms (and much more worse) merchandise than I thought existed. All for sale. All very popular.
There was one guy in the tent, ostensibly shilling replacement windows. He had a sweet little dog with him in his booth. The dog, of course, attracted little kids, and, when a kid would come to see/pet the dog, the kind man would kneel down and tell the child how gays were killing themselves with their evil activities. Seriously.
All this in small town Indiana.
Yeah. Nothing changes.
As a postscript...The county Democratic party had a booth there, and we all dropped in to talk and give the ladies support. They told us that things are getting a little better in the county. This year, during the parade, they didn’t have anything thrown at them. Small victories.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:32 PM on October 2, 2023 [31 favorites]
18 years, nothing changes
Over the weekend, we went with some friends to a mid-size-town’s street fair. Carnival rides, oodles of food, and a huge tent full of local merchants’ wares. Said wares included more pro-Trump, Fuck Biden, Faith-Family-Firearms (and much more worse) merchandise than I thought existed. All for sale. All very popular.
There was one guy in the tent, ostensibly shilling replacement windows. He had a sweet little dog with him in his booth. The dog, of course, attracted little kids, and, when a kid would come to see/pet the dog, the kind man would kneel down and tell the child how gays were killing themselves with their evil activities. Seriously.
All this in small town Indiana.
Yeah. Nothing changes.
As a postscript...The county Democratic party had a booth there, and we all dropped in to talk and give the ladies support. They told us that things are getting a little better in the county. This year, during the parade, they didn’t have anything thrown at them. Small victories.
posted by Thorzdad at 4:32 PM on October 2, 2023 [31 favorites]
This year, during the parade, they didn’t have anything thrown at them.
Sp fucking sad to read this.
posted by Splunge at 4:37 PM on October 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Sp fucking sad to read this.
posted by Splunge at 4:37 PM on October 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Republicans really need to stop trying to be witty; they are just bad at it. I applaud Mike Pence for realizing this and not even trying, if for basically nothing else.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:47 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:47 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
This weekend, I drove down to Delaware and back. On my way back, the corner of a major intersection had the usual crazies on the old Exxon station corner lot, with signs and flags and waving at people.
The slogans were conservative, of course: DON'T GIVE UP with a flag, VOTE REPUBLICAN, and similar.
But I was remarkably surprised to not see the orange one's name ONCE. Not on a single sign, T-shirt or flag.
This is not to suggest that our local GOP has given up on him; far from it, naturally. If he lurches through his current gauntlet of legal predicaments and emerges as the Presidential nominee, they will be as loud and proud and in-your-face about it as ever. But at this specific moment in time, in a blue part of a purple state... it's as if even some loyal CHUDs can grasp when that name is too much of a liability.
posted by delfin at 4:55 PM on October 2, 2023
The slogans were conservative, of course: DON'T GIVE UP with a flag, VOTE REPUBLICAN, and similar.
But I was remarkably surprised to not see the orange one's name ONCE. Not on a single sign, T-shirt or flag.
This is not to suggest that our local GOP has given up on him; far from it, naturally. If he lurches through his current gauntlet of legal predicaments and emerges as the Presidential nominee, they will be as loud and proud and in-your-face about it as ever. But at this specific moment in time, in a blue part of a purple state... it's as if even some loyal CHUDs can grasp when that name is too much of a liability.
posted by delfin at 4:55 PM on October 2, 2023
I'll confess, back in simpler times I was a bit ironic-hipster tempted by the Mike Huckabee playing bass guitar t-shirt. But not quite enough to cough up for it.
posted by ovvl at 4:55 PM on October 2, 2023
posted by ovvl at 4:55 PM on October 2, 2023
As a non American some of this stuff, particularly Pence, would be a delightful level of WTF to wear about the place, with very little chance I'd be taken seriously. Not giving them money though.
posted by deadwax at 5:17 PM on October 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by deadwax at 5:17 PM on October 2, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ok, the Doug Burgum Eras shirt is hilarious. Overall excellent roundup of baffling crap, but that is next level.
posted by the primroses were over at 5:21 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by the primroses were over at 5:21 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
The dog, of course, attracted little kids, and, when a kid would come to see/pet the dog, the kind man would kneel down and tell the child how gays were killing themselves with their evil activities. Seriously.
The Dead Milkmen's "Stuart" was a documentary and its events happened in real-time.
posted by delfin at 7:01 PM on October 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
The Dead Milkmen's "Stuart" was a documentary and its events happened in real-time.
posted by delfin at 7:01 PM on October 2, 2023 [7 favorites]
It was so strange, when he pulled back the curtain of the fitting room wearing his new Brandon t-shirt, he appeared to be in some kind of night-club. Then the music started, a funky disco beat that seemed to honk. He was crossing the dance floor, looking for the exit, when they appeared. Disco clowns. The colored lights swirled around him, as the clowns began to groove to the honk, jive walking on platform roller skates. One pointed to his new t-shirt, wagging her finger as she moonwalked away. Then the balloon hammers came out...
Please, disco clown violence is on the rise. Don't buy a fucking stupid t-shirt.
posted by adept256 at 8:06 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Please, disco clown violence is on the rise. Don't buy a fucking stupid t-shirt.
posted by adept256 at 8:06 PM on October 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Again, poor Mike Pence. He thought he had this award sewn up with this absolute beauty, which accurately depicts our former Vice President as the creepy Grandpa ghost from the Family Circus cartoons.
Oh my God, I had completely forgotten about Family Circus grandpa, and that is spot on.
posted by brundlefly at 9:40 PM on October 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
Oh my God, I had completely forgotten about Family Circus grandpa, and that is spot on.
posted by brundlefly at 9:40 PM on October 2, 2023 [4 favorites]
De Santis is really, really strange. Who (or what) is he trying to persuade? Do whats have votes? (I'm thinking lizards here).
posted by mumimor at 4:46 AM on October 3, 2023
posted by mumimor at 4:46 AM on October 3, 2023
On the other hand, the Biden color changing merch is just plain weird.
posted by BWA at 4:58 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by BWA at 4:58 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
De Santis is really, really strange. Who (or what) is he trying to persuade? Do whats have votes? (I'm thinking lizards here).
If lizards get votes that would explain his success in Florida, where there are to a near approximation 37 billion lizards, and that's just in my own garage.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:09 AM on October 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
If lizards get votes that would explain his success in Florida, where there are to a near approximation 37 billion lizards, and that's just in my own garage.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:09 AM on October 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
On the other hand, the Biden color changing merch is just plain weird.
Not if you've followed the Let's Go Brandon / Dark Brandon meme wars.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 6:11 AM on October 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
Not if you've followed the Let's Go Brandon / Dark Brandon meme wars.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 6:11 AM on October 3, 2023 [6 favorites]
I find it a bit odd that the glowing-red-eyes merchandise is official campaign merchandise but that it exists at all is probably strategic. It's a lot harder to use a Brandon meme as a dogwhistle if the Biden campaign has claimed it first.
posted by Karmakaze at 6:34 AM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Karmakaze at 6:34 AM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think the Biden Dark Brandon stuff is brilliant. It flips the script on the stupidest GOP criticism of him, and makes an 80-year-old way cooler than he has any right to be.
If I didn't have a history of destroying color-changing mugs by forgetting not to put them in the dishwasher, I might get that one.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 7:06 AM on October 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
If I didn't have a history of destroying color-changing mugs by forgetting not to put them in the dishwasher, I might get that one.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 7:06 AM on October 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
My grandmother had a “Doug Franklin for state legislature” hot pad in her kitchen. I assume it was something the gave out to housewives in the 1970’s because she was not the type of woman to make frivolous purchases.
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:09 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:09 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
Again, poor Mike Pence. He thought he had this award sewn up with this absolute beauty, which accurately depicts our former Vice President as the creepy Grandpa ghost from the Family Circus cartoons.
In case you don't know, Dwight Eisenhower was the 34th president of the US, right after WWII and into Korea. His campaign ads featured the slogan "I like Ike" and had his somewhat similar face on them. Pence is channeling those vibes pretty hard.
posted by Snowishberlin at 7:45 AM on October 3, 2023
In case you don't know, Dwight Eisenhower was the 34th president of the US, right after WWII and into Korea. His campaign ads featured the slogan "I like Ike" and had his somewhat similar face on them. Pence is channeling those vibes pretty hard.
posted by Snowishberlin at 7:45 AM on October 3, 2023
But no one like Mike.
posted by delfin at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by delfin at 7:50 AM on October 3, 2023 [7 favorites]
Here are some real slogans that people who are running for president ostensibly think will help them win:
'I Like Mike'
'Say the Quiet Part Loud'
'Hope,' except it's Tim Scott
'We Need an Accountant in the White House'
'Not a Rich Man From North of Richmond'
'Try That in a Small Town'
'Doug, who?'
posted by box at 7:59 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
'I Like Mike'
'Say the Quiet Part Loud'
'Hope,' except it's Tim Scott
'We Need an Accountant in the White House'
'Not a Rich Man From North of Richmond'
'Try That in a Small Town'
'Doug, who?'
posted by box at 7:59 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
In case you don't know, Dwight Eisenhower was the 34th president of the US, right after WWII and into Korea. His campaign ads featured the slogan "I like Ike" and had his somewhat similar face on them. Pence is channeling those vibes pretty hard.
Oof. Nothing says "I am desperately pulling for a sense of relevancy" than blithely aping a meme that dates to before many of your voters' parents were born. (Mine, for example, wouldn't be born for another fourteen years.)
I mean, damn. What's next, "They Can't Dump Our Trump?" "We Poked You in '44, We Pierced You in '52, We Bucked you in 56, and we'll Pence you again in '24!" "Not Just Curriculum Denial." "Who Is Tim Scott?"
posted by sciatrix at 8:43 AM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Oof. Nothing says "I am desperately pulling for a sense of relevancy" than blithely aping a meme that dates to before many of your voters' parents were born. (Mine, for example, wouldn't be born for another fourteen years.)
I mean, damn. What's next, "They Can't Dump Our Trump?" "We Poked You in '44, We Pierced You in '52, We Bucked you in 56, and we'll Pence you again in '24!" "Not Just Curriculum Denial." "Who Is Tim Scott?"
posted by sciatrix at 8:43 AM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
Trump blatantly lifted 'Make America Great Again' from Reagan--slogans aren't really their thing. These guys are only creative when it comes to interpreting the founding fathers and looting.
posted by box at 8:57 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by box at 8:57 AM on October 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
That desantis shirt looks disturbingly like “No Line On The Horizon”-era Bono
posted by toodleydoodley at 9:37 AM on October 3, 2023
posted by toodleydoodley at 9:37 AM on October 3, 2023
Vek-torious. Heh. Ri-i-ight...
What's he running for again?
Most poppable pimple on Jefferson's chin at Mt. Rushmore, amirite?
posted by y2karl at 11:36 AM on October 3, 2023
What's he running for again?
Most poppable pimple on Jefferson's chin at Mt. Rushmore, amirite?
posted by y2karl at 11:36 AM on October 3, 2023
I've had the good fortune to only encounter a few actual red Maga hat-wearers in the wild and my gut, visceral reaction is to back away like they've got the cordyceps virus and...I can't say I've been good about hiding that reaction either. I'd say I'm working to overcome this unfair bias but that would be a lie.
posted by amanda at 12:05 PM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by amanda at 12:05 PM on October 3, 2023 [2 favorites]
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right?
posted by Dr. Twist at 3:34 PM on October 2, 2023 [1 favorite]