I like mine with...

October 22, 2023 6:41 AM

70 possible burger toppings, ranked

Should you choose to avoid the slideshow/clickbait:

70. Turkey Bacon
69. Spinach
68. Peanut Butter
67. Pineapple
66. Marinara
65. Doughnut
64. Fresh Bell Pepper
63. Sauerkraut
62. Queso
61. Fries
60. Mozzarella
59. Thousand Island
58. Brie
57. Pesto
56. Sweet Relish
55. Goat Cheese
54. Avocado/Guacamole
53. Tomato
52. Pepperoni
51. Olives
50. Potato Chips
49. Salsa
48. Arugula
47. Honey Mustard
46. Feta
45. Ranch
44. Provolone
43. Worcestershire Sauce
42. Roasted Red Pepper
41. Bacon Jam
40. Blue Cheese
39. Muenster Cheese
38. Ham
37. Hash browns
36. Teriyaki sauce
35. Pimento Cheese
34. Kimchi
33. Buffalo Sauce
32. Coleslaw
31. Mustard
30. Butter
29. Fresh Jalapeno
28. Mushrooms
27. Swiss Cheese
26. Tomato Jam
25. Lettuce
24. Mayo/Aioli
23. Hot Sauce
22. BBQ Sauce
21. Giardiniera
20. Remoulade
19. Carmelized Onions
18. Pepper Jack Cheese
17. Onion Rings
16. Pickled Onions
15. Pastrami
14. Heinz 57
13. Chili
12. Egg
11. Bacon
10. Onion Strings
09. American Cheese
08. Pickled Jalapeno
07. Ketchup
06. Special Sauce
05. Green Chile
04. Raw Onion
03. Another Burger Patty
02. Pickles
01. Cheddar Cheese

posted by a non mouse, a cow herd (110 comments total)

A list like this that does not distinguish bread & butter pickles from kosher dill pickles is not even trying.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:58 AM on October 22, 2023 [49 favorites]

No beetroot? I’m contacting the Australian Embassy.
posted by zamboni at 7:00 AM on October 22, 2023 [19 favorites]

70 possible [United States] burger toppings [that a listicle writer has personally eaten], ranked
posted by zamboni at 7:06 AM on October 22, 2023 [9 favorites]

53. "If I never ate another tomato on a burger, I wouldn’t miss them."

Disqualified.
posted by 3.2.3 at 7:07 AM on October 22, 2023 [29 favorites]

Ketchup not only being on the list but being in the top 10 makes the list invalid.
posted by emelenjr at 7:07 AM on October 22, 2023 [9 favorites]

Nah he's right, most tomatoes on burgers suck and just adds unneeded slippery wetness to the ordeal. I respect the bravery of placing it so far up the list. Tomatoes are great but keep them off my sandwiches.

The perfect burger has American cheese, onions (raw, grilled, or caramelized), and pickles with some kind of pink sauce on a potato bun. Lettuce is debatable but I won't complain.

Everything beyond that is frippery nonsense!!
posted by windbox at 7:14 AM on October 22, 2023 [9 favorites]

Do we need to reignite the Heinz 57 vs. A.1. debate again?
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:17 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Is anyone is on the A1 side of things, then yes, yes we do...
posted by Windopaene at 7:24 AM on October 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

The older I get, the fewer toppings I like on a burger. I don't eat a lot of burgers, but when I do, I generally only eat good quality ones, so I like to taste the meat part of the thing, not an array of toppings that make it taste like everything other than beef.

Lately, I like some kind of cheese, a smear of dijon style or brown mustard, some good lettuce— and that's it. With a (dill pickle)d cucumber* on the side. And fries. My wife loves a ton of toppings, and I can see the appeal, but I go for simple these days. I don't care what other people eat, generally.

*Yes I'm American.
posted by SoberHighland at 7:28 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Whole leaf lettuce is indeed very problematic, but they neglect to consider shredded lettuce, which is leagues better and provides wonderful texture.
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 7:29 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

The placement of tomato and tomato jam are clearly trolling.

Raw onion above all other onion seems like a mistake too, but that I'll assume good faith on.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:35 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Coleslaw. I like coleslaw on mine. And also beetroot.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

My burger topping preferences are shaped by the fact that most buns are too sweet, so it's mustard and a few slices of pickle and that's it. Cheese is fine but not critical.

Now a slightly runny fried egg ? Yes please. I call this the Protein Bomb and it ensures I won't be hungry again for 7 hours or so.

I do not like raw veggies on anything so that simplifies it as well.
posted by emjaybee at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2023

ranch isn't listed as "possibly ranch" so I'm not even sure what's up with this
posted by k3ninho at 7:44 AM on October 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

mayo/aoili <- how about these two completely different sauces have their own slots

posted by k3ninho at 7:47 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Noped out when guac was 54 and tomato was 53. This person and I like very different things.
posted by anhedonic at 7:55 AM on October 22, 2023

hot sauce <- be specific: some are fruity, some are piquant heat and nothing else, some are complemented by their vinegar base, which is it?
posted by k3ninho at 8:00 AM on October 22, 2023

Man I went to find a reference for doughnut (65) because Gourdough's was really something else, but alas, their full-menu restaurant closed last year. Not a burger I would want every time but a burger I am glad to have tried.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:03 AM on October 22, 2023

This isn't a list, it's a food crime in progress.
posted by mhoye at 8:04 AM on October 22, 2023 [8 favorites]

Peanut butter at 68? I cannot condone this.
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:07 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'm mentally laughing/vomiting at the image of an enormous burger with ALL of these toppings precariously slapped/propped/skewered or otherwise affixed, like some horror show brunch bloody mary. But I'm sure my partner will be able to somehow eat it all.
posted by winesong at 8:10 AM on October 22, 2023 [8 favorites]

I'm mentally laughing/vomiting at the image of an enormous burger with ALL of these toppings precariously slapped/propped/skewered or otherwise affixed

"We serve food here, sir."
posted by mhoye at 8:13 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

searched for “green chile,” am satisfied that this person has Correct opinions
posted by heurtebise at 8:21 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

03. Another Burger Patty

This turns the official list into something exponentially recursive and potentially heart-attack inducing.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 8:22 AM on October 22, 2023

Madness to put cheddar above American cheese on this list. I don't even like the stuff in most contexts, but on a hamburger? Nothing finer.
posted by rodlymight at 8:23 AM on October 22, 2023 [10 favorites]

PEANUT BUTTER???????????????

PINEAPPLE?????????????????

look I love peanut butter! I love pineapple. but there are just places it doesn't belong (looking at you, pizza)

I love a good burger too: a hardy bun, cheese, tomato, red onion.

/rant (please return to your regularly scheduled Please Eat What You Like and Enjoy It Without The Pesky Judgement of Others)
posted by supermedusa at 8:35 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

The combination of salty and savory produced by putting peanut butter on a burger, especially if spiced up with some jalapenos, is divine!
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:37 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

No way pastrami is 15th. Just no way.
posted by mazola at 8:37 AM on October 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

No A1 sauce in the list. Heinz is okay, but I have preferences.
posted by theora55 at 8:39 AM on October 22, 2023

Meat. Cheese. That’s my jam. Shack sauce is gross.
posted by caviar2d2 at 8:43 AM on October 22, 2023

Peanuts and beef go together really well, they're one of my mainstay curry options. I don't usually put it on a beef patty though as I'm usually looking for more of a juicy acidity and less overwhelming unctuousness.
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:44 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

My perfect burger: one patty, American cheese, shredded lettuce, raw onion, very thin slice of tomato, bread and butter pickles, yellow mustard, sesame seed bun. Maybe bacon.
posted by swift at 8:56 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

I don't actually like burgers all that much - given a full menu, I'll order almost anything else - but I'm generally in the "swiss, sauteed mushrooms, caramelized onions" camp if a burger is what I'm getting. I agree with the poster above that tomatoes on a burger are usually pretty insipid, and I hate dill pickles. (More for my wife, is the prevailing opinion in my house.) But I'm generally down for trying weird shit if it's weird shit I like in isolation.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:59 AM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

ranch isn't listed as "possibly ranch" so I'm not even sure what's up with this

Both you and the list-maker are seemingly a little out of touch.
posted by The Bellman at 9:06 AM on October 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

I like this list. It's a journey, with some twists and surprises. The author has a distinct voice, and it's clear they've eaten a lot of hamburgers.

Of course it's one person's objective opinion--I don't need Pew to tell me that ketchup, lettuce, tomato, and cheese are the big ones, I can just look at the menu of a fast-food restaurant. Of course it's US-centric--both the author and the site that hosts it are US-based, and does any other country care as much about hamburgers?

Then again, if I'm eating at a burger restaurant, I'm probably looking for first a house-made veggie burger or, failing that, a chicken/fish sandwich.
posted by box at 9:16 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Stopped reading with Thousand Island dressing, which is the best burger sauce was listed in the bottom quarter of the ilst.

Started reading again to see how it compared to remoulade and big mac sauce and saw that the only reason for ranking it so low is that 'it's just not quite the same' and that's because big mac sauce lacks the delicious pickly goodness of a good thousand island dressing and the heat of remoulade and is thus wildly inferior to either of them.
posted by jacquilynne at 9:17 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Disqualified

If the only tomato you've ever had on a burger is one of the commercial might as well be paste board variety I can totally understand.
posted by Mitheral at 9:28 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

I'm generally in the "swiss, sauteed mushrooms, caramelized onions" camp if a burger is what I'm getting

Same, and I will also accept onion straws for texture and reduced risk of drippiness. And I still crave the very limited-time special Angus burger offering from McDonald's in maybe 2012 that was the Angus patty, mushrooms, swiss, onions, shred lettuce, and mayo on a bun that was dusted with semolina. Absolutely perfect in execution, and neater/more manageable than back when Chili's was good and their mushroom swiss burger was a solid option.

My husband will always order a peanut butter burger if we encounter one and I always take a bite, but I want more of a peanut sauce with more salt and umami and...now I know what I'm making for dinner.

Tomato jam, or tomato-bacon jam, really is a better option than the rose-colored hothouse "tomatoes" most places have most of the year. I don't love ketchup because it's too sweet and sharp, but I might try mixing some tomato paste with mayo for a future experiment.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:29 AM on October 22, 2023

Wait how is ketchup above Heinz 57?
posted by Carillon at 9:35 AM on October 22, 2023

Madness to put cheddar above American cheese on this list. Yep! Cheddar is great, but it's such a big flavour that putting it on a burger just turns it into a cheese sandwich with beef.
posted by Hermione Dies at 10:07 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

IDK if anybody has made the observation (because I'm too lazy to read the thread with enough attention) but who ever puts just one thing on a burger? How is this entire list not a category error?
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 10:09 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

PINEAPPLE?????????????????

“Mm-hmm! This is a tasty burger! Vincent! You ever had a Big Kahuna burger?”
posted by leotrotsky at 10:11 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Why in the culinary hell is fresh bell pepper on this list?

My favorite fancy burger has porter soaked fig & bacon relish, goat cheese, and smoked onion. My favorite simple burger just has a slice of (hopefully decent) tomato and a leaf of iceburg lettuce. In summary, burgers are a land of contrast.
posted by merriment at 10:11 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

How is this entire list not a category error?

It's clickbait, Harold.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:11 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

62. Queso

Be right back.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:21 AM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

we were barbecuing some burgers made from a particularly high quality beef when someone suggested using american cheese. we raised our foody snob voices in horror!! but you know, it really has a special something, the way it melts, the particular flavor. I'm a convert!
posted by supermedusa at 10:24 AM on October 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

Kenji has respect for American Cheese on burgers.
posted by mmascolino at 10:30 AM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

I just spent a week in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and every restaurant I went to had olive burgers on the menu. I finally got one and it was... fine. I agree with its placement in this list.

However, blue cheese should be higher. Come on.
posted by acrasis at 10:31 AM on October 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

Red onions should be raw, white or yellow onions should be sautéed. Pickles should be sweet.
FTFY
posted by BlueHorse at 10:36 AM on October 22, 2023

The point of lettuce on a burger is that it is a barrier keeps the moist toppings from disintegrating the bun. The bun has to be soft enough that you don't have to fight it to bite the whole thing-- to give a harder roll that fights the eater is a common fancy burger place error.

The goal of a burger, and most sandwiches, is that I don't have to take it apart to eat it or use a fork, and that it should stay in one piece. The bun has to be a certain texture that is very vulnerable to damp. So, lettuce. You rarely see tomato but no lettuce because of this exact problem.
posted by blnkfrnk at 11:00 AM on October 22, 2023

Look
I understand too little too late
I realize there are things you say and do
You can never take back
But what would you be if you didn't even try
You have to try
So after a lot of thought
I'd like to reconsider
Please
If it's not too late
Make it a cheeseburger
posted by kirkaracha at 11:13 AM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Slideshows make creaky noises I throw open the shutters YOU ARE NOT WELCOME, SLIDESHOW! GO BACK TO 2013!!!!
posted by user92371 at 11:22 AM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

also pineapple should be in the top ten
posted by user92371 at 11:23 AM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Also sour cream should really be on this list! It's a perfect condiment, it's sour, but also rich. I forget sometimes how much it adds to a burger, but if you haven't tried it, it's very much a solid addition.
posted by Carillon at 11:48 AM on October 22, 2023

71) Plate of beans.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 12:03 PM on October 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

Also sour cream should really be on this list! It's a perfect condiment, it's sour, but also rich.

Tzatziki is also good.
posted by Daily Alice at 12:05 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

No beetroot? I’m contacting the Australian Embassy.

Given it is essential element of the Kiwiburger, I think NZ may join your collation of the willing. I can live without it but it can be a fun add on.

I put a freshly fried and crunchy potato fritter in my burger once (a fish and chip style fritter - battered sliced potato). That was pretty good - added great crunch.

But can depend on what the protein is. Lamb burger is going to need some mint sauce / chutney up in there for my boy Mike Moore. RIP to maybe not the greatest, but quite possibly the hungriest, Prime Minister of NZ.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 12:07 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Metafilter - your ethnocentric burger toppings listicle conflicts with my thoughts about the Roman Empire.
posted by Chuffy at 12:20 PM on October 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

Roman Empire would have been all “Garum isn’t #I? It isn’t even in the top XII !!??!! Get the futuo out of here with this listicle”
posted by inflatablekiwi at 12:30 PM on October 22, 2023 [15 favorites]

I do not like a lot of stuff on a burger, but ketchup absolutely has to be present. A1 sauce is good, too. Dill pickle chips are good. I can go with our without cheese, but it should be American unless it's a Swiss-mushroom-onion burger. A runny fried egg is fun once in a while. No lettuce or tomato or fresh onion slice. Mayo is iffy, but doesn't ruin a burger for me. I like burgers thick, juicy, and still quite pink on the inside. Best burger I have ever eaten was at R.F. O'Sullivan's in Somerville (RIP). They made them so thick they took close to half an hour to cook properly.
posted by briank at 12:35 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

No way pastrami is 15th. Just no way.

Not sure if you think it’s too high or too low, but my favorite burger of all time was Zippy’s Giant Burgers’ rendition of the Crown Burger. (Sadly, Zippy’s closed last year and I can no longer find a pastrami burger around here.)
posted by mbrubeck at 12:36 PM on October 22, 2023

Meat, cheese, bacon. Can be American, cheddar, or even bleu. Bleu cheese and bacon work way too well together.
posted by Ber at 1:01 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Hot, wilted lettuce is disgusting, I don't care if it's whole leaves or shredded. I can't believe it's on the list above mustard. Coleslaw with a light, bright horseradishy dressing on a burger is sublime and does not turn to compost the minute you pair it with anything hotter than room temperature.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:02 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Why does it seem like I have to go to a premium place to get a grilled onion? Also bleu cheese is worth adjusting your bite, it adds depth.
posted by Selena777 at 1:18 PM on October 22, 2023

My go-to topping these days is green chile and yellow mustard.

Best burger I ever ate was made by a friend's wife in 1991. She put a pineapple slice inside the beef patty. I don't recall what the toppings were. Served on a just-baked sourdough roll.
posted by neuron at 1:27 PM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Avocado, swiss, and apricot jam.
posted by mochapickle at 1:35 PM on October 22, 2023

I kept my mouth shut for a minute because I did not want to threadsit. But... of course (of course!) I have opinions. Below are mine, summarized:

68. Peanut Butter - tell me why this is a thing. I have seen it on one menu and just can't grasp the idea. Is it really good? (Asking honestly.)

66. Marinara? - wat? (unless it's a pizza burger, maybe?)

65. It's Donut. And, no.

63. Sauerkraut. I love me some sauerkraut, but the burger is not the place for it.

61. Fries. No. Fries exist on the side.

57. Pesto? I love burgers. I love pesto. They just don't really complement each other.

56. Sweet relish is a hot dog topping. Not a burger topping.

54. Why is Avo/Guac ranked so low?

51. Olives? No. Just... No!

50. Potato chips. Again... Let's keep the sides on... the side.

48. Arugula. Here is the one that people will fight about the ranking. Shouldn't spinach be higher? Avocado? Guac? Heck, even spinach which was second to last? This must be the troll entry.

44. Provolone. A rare thing to think to put on burgers. But, OMG, would be perfect.

43. Worcestershire Sauce. Fail because the picture is French's and not Lea and Perrins. Also fail for not being way closer to #1.

40. Blue Cheese. I finally signed up to Metafilter to express my love for Blue Cheese on Burgers.

37. Hash browns on the side. Unless it is a hangover burger.

21. Giardiniera - What? No. Giardiniera is fantastic! Just not on a burger.

18. Pepper Jack - yum

17. Onion Rings. This high up? No. On the side, please.

15. Pastrami - Bold choice so high on the list. Yet, I cannot argue.

12. Egg. Way too high unless you are constantly hungover

11. Turkey bacon is the worst but bacon almost scrapes the top 10? My partner would have words with you...

10. Onion strings in the top 10? No. Just, no. On the side with some ranch maybe. Not on the burger.

09. American Cheese. HELL NO. It's literally not even allowed to be called cheese. Like, legally speaking. I will not order a burger with this.... THIS!... pastuerized cheese product on it. I'll take Velveeta over it

05. Green Chile - NOM! Sloppers are AMAZING!

(it is ranked a bit high, though...)

04. raw onion - i love it, but way too high as it is really disconcerting for so many.

01. Cheddar Cheese. Please give me this instead of American EVERY SINGLE TIME. Does it melt perfect? I don't care. It tastes so much better. And, don't buy the shredded stuff. It has stuff to make it stay "fresh" longer.

(L&P Worcestershire should be #1)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 1:40 PM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Back when I was trying to get my restaurant off the ground, and making the terrible decision to run a mostly unused kitchen at a friend’s bar, I became friends with the guy dating one of the people running the place. He was around a lot, so we chatted whenever he was around. One night, he looks at my menu, and I’ve got burgers, I’ve got pulled pork sandwiches, and he says “I don’t know. I kind of want the bacon cheese burger, but I kind of want the pulled pork.” I said, why not pulled pork on a bacon cheese? His eyes lit up, and he suggested some pickled jalapeños as well. His name was Nick, and that became the Nick Burger.

That burger was the thing we were known for. When all was said and done, looking over our sales, it was easily our most popular thing on the menu, and past that, the open secret about the menu was that if you don’t see it, ask, and if it’s possible, we’ll figure out how to do it. That’s where we came up with the Sausage King came in (pulled pork, shredded cheese, grilled onions, jalapeños on a hand made bratwurst), the Breakfast at Night burger (bacon cheese burger with a hashbrown and a fried egg on top, the gooey runny egg yolk is its own perfect sauce).

The one thing we never really got the chance to do was take leftover macaroni and cheese, shape it into patties, freeze them, then batter and deep fry them. Deep fried mac and cheese on top of the burger, with more cheese sauce drizzled on top. Would’ve been fantastic. We did mozzarella sticks and marina at a pop up once, and they were decent, but the Craft Dinner would’ve been great.

Out of everything, though, I think the southern fried smoked ribs were my greatest creation. I smoked several racks of ribs, let them cool, and the next day, ran them through egg/buttermilk mix, flour and spices, and deep fried them. I mean, sure, I’m probably responsible for a spike in heart disease and a general shortening of longevity, but they were tasty as hell.

For the record: bacon cheese burger, with grilled onions and dill pickles. Mayonnaise, no ketchup or mustard. Put the grilled onions on top of the patty, and put the cheese on top of the onions. Smoked Gouda or Pepper Jack if possible, but American or provolone is fine, too. Cheddar before mozzarella or colby.
posted by Ghidorah at 1:43 PM on October 22, 2023 [14 favorites]

I make a lamb burger with goat cheese, maple syrup, shiso (or basil in a pinch), ume paste, and pickled ginger. It is the most delicious. Side of miso vinaigrette mixed greens salad with pumpkin seeds and some shredded carrot and thin-sliced daikon.
posted by cnidaria at 1:44 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

(I will say my opinions on burger toppings are vastly disproportional to the amount of burgers I eat. If my opinions yuck on your yum, please ignore. Definitely not my intention.)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 2:01 PM on October 22, 2023

avocado bacon bbq cheesburger.

It might be wrong but it's good.
posted by snuffleupagus at 2:01 PM on October 22, 2023

PEANUT BUTTER???????????????

PINEAPPLE?????????????????

look I love peanut butter! I love pineapple. but there are just places it doesn't belong (looking at you, pizza)

Conflate much? Can you at least complain one condiment at a time? True, no one in their right mind puts peanut butter on a burger (just...how does that even work?), but pineapple is a fine addition. And yes, pineapple is also great on pizza with Canadian bacon.

runs away
posted by zardoz at 2:03 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

68. Peanut Butter - tell me why this is a thing. I have seen it on one menu and just can't grasp the idea. Is it really good? (Asking honestly.)

I've said many times here that a place in my area has had a money back guarantee for over 30 years on a burger that has peanut butter and bacon (and lettuce and mayo on the menu currently, which I don't remember getting when I was there). It was pretty good. But I think the thing with it is it kind of precludes using most other toppings on a burger if you're using peanut butter - like, you probably wouldn't want cheese and a tomato along with it. I haven't been there in a long time, and I'm not too sure about the lettuce and mayo version myself.
posted by LionIndex at 2:25 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Agree - fresh lightly grilled pineapple on a burger can be a good addition for a summery afternoon burger

A spicy peanut sauce (wouldn’t say peanut butter exactly) is absolutely wonderful on a chicken breast burger.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 2:26 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Mayo shouldn’t be a topping. You put it on the bottom bun as a moisture barrier and to absorb an transform the juice from the burger into a meaty, fatty sauce. If you like your burgers so well done that they don’t leak at least a little juice, well, you do you.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:35 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

I think Peanut butter on burgers is rooted in the diner tradition of having celebrity themed sandwiches. In this case, Elvis. I'm inclined to think most people will be disappointed that it isn't more interesting if they try it. It's really not very exciting. Have you had peanut butter toast? Do you think adding some savory meat to that would be bad? It's fine, underwhelming at worst.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 2:36 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

Nice list. I don't eat meat but man, could I make some monster sammiches off this menu!
posted by charlesminus at 2:55 PM on October 22, 2023

I prefer the top half of the bun...
posted by jim in austin at 3:03 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

This list is more amusing if you pretend it's a list of bass players.
posted by credulous at 3:19 PM on October 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

A list like this that does not distinguish bread & butter pickles from kosher dill pickles is not even trying.

A list like this that does not distinguish American yellow mustard from dijon mustard or stone ground mustard - or my splurge, thesis decadent French whole grain Pommery Moutarde De Meaux that comes in a clay crock and elevates a burger (or any proper sausage or an egg 'n cheese sammich) by X10 - is not even trying.
posted by thecincinnatikid at 3:57 PM on October 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

Just last week I was at my father's and found a copy of the cookbook/souvenir from San Francisco's famous Hippopotamus Restaurant. Before that city gave the rest of America inter-continental fusion and football-sized burritos, it let the world know there was more to putting a topping on a burger besides the usual condiments.

You might be thinking this cookbook (which unfortunately was never actually used) was a valuable find. But based on the 1972-price of $5.95 on the book and the $20-30 prices I see asked on the net, it looks like the book was a bad hedge against inflation.
posted by morspin at 4:44 PM on October 22, 2023

A peanut butter burger, aka a goober burger or guberburger is a hamburger with a history dating back to the 1950s at least. If you like peanut butter and you like hamburgers, I'd suggest giving it a try. You might find (as I have) that it's good actually, and it often horrifies your dining companions in an entertaining way.

I particularly like it as a post-hike meal, when I'm craving fat and protein and fat and protein.
posted by surlyben at 4:46 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

If I'm going all-out, then pineapple, egg, bacon, beetroot and cheese all seem appropriate.

But for most of the burgers I eat, it's all about that raw white onion. I usually order extra onion if it's takeaway. I love that apps make it easier to do.

For a short, glorious period, I could order 3 extra servings of onion for free at McDonalds, but they clearly saw my exploit and now you can't get any extra onion at all on many of the burgers, money or not. :(
posted by Audreynachrome at 5:02 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

I feel like existential dread should have been on the list somewhere.
posted by pipeski at 5:09 PM on October 22, 2023

I have a number of food intolerance/allergy issues so much of this list would be impossible for me. But oh, I do love a good burger. I just have to make them myself most of the time (you'd be surprised how many bought burgers have onion or onion powder in the beef patty)

My perfect burger starts with a bun toasted on the bagel setting. The bottom bun then gets a layer of mayo, followed by 1/16" slices of tomato from the garden or farmers market. Next, the beef patty itself, cooked to medium. If I am in the mood, I'll add a teaspoon of Worcestershire to the meat as I form the patty and fry it in 1tbsp butter. If not, just plain beef.
Atop the patty, a thin slice of extra sharp cheddar, then deli crisp dill pickle slices, catsup or a mild not-sweet bbq sauce. One crisp leaf of lettuce, and ready for the top bun. Sometimes a hint of brown mustard on that top bun.

Yum.

I'm glad people play around with burger construction and give me new ideas. Most will not be either edible for me or to my liking but that's okay. I do wish there were more of an understanding that onion and/or garlic really should not be automatically in fucking everything, because some people just can't eat them.
posted by Vigilant at 6:10 PM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

68. Peanut Butter - tell me why this is a thing. I have seen it on one menu and just can't grasp the idea. Is it really good? (Asking honestly.)

You've probably had something a lot like this in Thai restaurants, if you've ever had a beef skewer with peanut sauce.

Of all the nonsense on this list (and in this thread) this is honestly the one thing I'm willing to go out and try soon. Peanut butter - on the lower bun, because structure matters - has the important physical quality of sealing off the lower bun from the juice of the burger, maintaining integrity, and like the Thai peanut sauce I'd wager adds some deep umami to the flavor of the burger.

This is what makes great burgers great. That balanced tension between rich and acidic, salty and sweet. The issue is, what is the answer to the question that peanut butter on a burger proposes?

I don't have a clear sense of taste contrasts here to fall back; what is it paired with peanut butter to balance it? You'd need something sharp and bright, but not something vinegary I think, so that rules out something like a sharp cheddar or kosher pickle (too much consonance in the fats, and not kosher pickles for an interrogative sweetness that isn't answered...) but what? You'd need a modest sweetness and something with a bit of that sharp tang to it. I'd hate to think that a bbq sauce is the right answer, but maybe?
posted by mhoye at 7:49 PM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Maybe we can all agree that turkey bacon should be ranked no better than where it is, at No. 70. Turkey bacon in no way lives up to the savory, crispy deliciousness that bacon is known for.
posted by NotLost at 7:52 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Maybe we can all agree that turkey bacon should be ranked no better than where it is, at No. 70.

This is correct. If turkey bacon is ever on any list, it should be in last place.
posted by mhoye at 7:54 PM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

WE can all save a ton of time and controversy by taking all 70 toppings and blending them into an Uber-topping. Everyone wins.
posted by storybored at 8:03 PM on October 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

I don't have a clear sense of taste contrasts here to fall back; what is it paired with peanut butter to balance it?

I have learned to add pickled red onions (tangy, but not too sour) to my peanut butter sandwiches -- SO good! Maybe this is a good combo to test with a burger?
posted by maudlin at 8:37 PM on October 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

We moved to Texas in 1980 and the local kids would put just mayo and yellow mustard on cheeseburgers. Grossed me out at first but 43 years later it’s still my favorite.
posted by chronkite at 8:58 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Chili on a burger don’t even have to be good, to be good.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 9:39 PM on October 22, 2023

Melted butter should be on the list and in the top 10.

Really. Try it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:50 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

American cheese
Mayo or special sauce
Pickles
Shredded iceberg lettuce
Sliced yellow or sweet onion

No ingredient should be given priority over the entries above it. Bacon is optional but if present could be prioritized above lettuce.
posted by supercres at 11:54 PM on October 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

The issue is, what is the answer to the question that peanut butter on a burger proposes?

Some folks say bacon, I like picked red onions more though.
posted by Carillon at 12:48 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

Everyone wins.

Also, loses.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:33 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

This article sent me down a rabbit hole when I hit the “olives” entry. Because my mom always loved olive burgers, and I like them too. But it was the passing mention of the “Michigan olive burger” that caught my eye, and led me to this mid-Michigan story from a few years back. Which in turn referenced one of my favorite go-to lunch places from college, the Peanut Barrel, and their awesome olive burger.

Pro tip: the best is Sal’s Memorial Mushroom and Swiss burger on rye, but order the olives on the side and add them to the top. Olives in sauce, mushroom, Swiss, rye, and it’s perfect. Damnit, now I want one and I’m several states away…
posted by caution live frogs at 5:40 AM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

I've had a burger with a doughnut replacing the bun. It was fine in a silly way, but not a game changer. I definitely don't feel the need to eat it more than once. We used to have a place that had free toppings, and had about half of these available to put on a burger, so I would usually put at least 10 things on there, so count in me for the 'all of them' burger. Now they charge for all the extra toppings. Boo.

I personally like spinach better than lettuce, that's the only topping ranked too low. I also don't have strong opinions about the cheese. They are all fine, depending on what you want on that particular burger. American cheese doesn't taste amazingly better on a hamburger than swiss or pepperjack or any other cheese.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:34 AM on October 23, 2023

I've never put olives on a burger, but I would put olive tapanade or crema de aceituna onto a burger without hesitation. Salty bitter umami goodness, yes please.
posted by gauche at 8:37 AM on October 23, 2023

Marcellia in Cucina: Umbrian Olivada. Some recipes also call for nuts, and/or a little grappa.

go-to lunch places from college

𐃃 ❤️ Bell's Greek Pizza
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:39 AM on October 23, 2023

#52 pepperoni sounds like a terrible idea to me; unless maybe you crisp it first, like bacon?

#34 kimchi a favorite of mine for burgers at home; should be a lot higher; provides both textural and flavor contrast; always ends up very drippy for me though.

#17 onion rings always seems more fun in theory than in practice? they don't stay crispy in a burger with other toppings, and the onion always pulls out of the rings.

#1 cheddar I don't think works on a burger at all? it doesn't melt well; most American cheddar is flavorless enough that you may as well just use a better-melting cheese like American or Swiss; and sharp cheddar is too dominant a flavor.
posted by We had a deal, Kyle at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

For me, while I don't eat a lot of Burgers (meat, poultry, fish or otherwise) I tend to think of it like this - if I can eat the topping in a salad, on a salad or on rice it is an acceptable topping on a burger. I also don't like sloppy burgers so less is always better than more.
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:01 AM on October 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

Embarrassing for them to put ham, of all the fucking things, above blue cheese. Also, there should have been a "nothing" entry for beef that's so good that it should be eaten alone.
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:34 AM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

After *ahem* extensive burger research, I can confidently say the following two ingredient combos are greater than the sum of their parts:

• mustard + relish
• ketchup+mayo

If you are using any of the above ingredients and not letting them mingle then you are missing out!

Also, each pair should live on separate bun surfaces, i.e. never have ketchup+mayo+mustard+relish on the same side of a bun.
posted by furtive at 11:52 AM on October 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

Also, I don't see horseradish on this list but a mixture of horseradish and mayo goes very nicely on a thick pub-style cheeseburger along with ketchup, lettuce, &c.
posted by gauche at 2:22 PM on October 23, 2023

If you are using any of the above ingredients and not letting them mingle then you are missing out!

If you mix all those together and let them mingle, you just made (a non spicy) remoulade (which is common even though the official recipe generally calls for some hot pepper spice), #20 on the list. If you add a few more things, you just made thousand island #59 on the list.
posted by The_Vegetables at 2:29 PM on October 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

A burger without pineapple and beetroot is just a meat sandwich.
posted by Pouteria at 8:03 PM on October 23, 2023

SoCal residents know that the bite of pickled cascabel pepper on the side is missing!!
posted by scose at 12:11 AM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]

No requests for croutons, not even petit croutons?
posted by k3ninho at 1:07 AM on October 24, 2023

A burger without pineapple and beetroot is just a meat sandwich.

And with no meat, hey, that's a salad roll.
posted by zamboni at 12:59 PM on October 24, 2023 [1 favorite]