56 of the best and/or worst analogies written my high school students

November 19, 2023 2:46 PM

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
posted by dfm500 (47 comments total)

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30."

I know that is supposed to be a bad one, but the "surreal quality" of Jeopardy coming on at the wrong time is indeed very unsettling.
posted by pangolin party at 2:53 PM on November 19, 2023 [19 favorites]

#49 is really quite brilliant ...

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can’t sing worth a damn.
posted by philip-random at 3:10 PM on November 19, 2023 [18 favorites]

17. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

I think this was cribbed from Omar in The Wire.
what I like about this piece is the author presented a direct list of writing and just put it out there without elucidation thus not capitalizing at the expense of others.
posted by clavdivs at 3:19 PM on November 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

That's bloody brilliant. Almost Chandler-esque in its structure.
posted by tim_in_oz at 3:22 PM on November 19, 2023 [41 favorites]

Most of these have definitely been around for years. I suspect they originated as submissions of deliberately, comically bad writing, along the lines of the Bulwer-Lytton contest. But it’s a fun bit of old school internet humor.

I actually did have a high school teacher challenge the class with a similar exercise. I got pretty into it.
posted by atoxyl at 3:22 PM on November 19, 2023 [18 favorites]

Most of these have definitely been around for years.

since 2011 at least, i'm going to confidently guess
posted by Sebmojo at 3:28 PM on November 19, 2023 [8 favorites]

I didn’t see that. But they have been around for longer.
posted by atoxyl at 3:37 PM on November 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Which isn’t a complaint, understand, I’m just noting that and suggesting that if you suspect these were not actually compiled from student writing you are almost certainly correct.
posted by atoxyl at 3:41 PM on November 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

i was wondering. do kids these days even know about tv guide?
posted by Clowder of bats at 3:45 PM on November 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

I think atoxyl has it. They're not sloppy writing, they're quite clever, even a bit baroque.

For comparison, here's one I remember from an actual Bulwer-Lytton contest: "The surface of the strange, forbidden planet was roughly textured and green, much like cottage cheese gets way after the date on the lid says it is all right to buy it."
posted by zompist at 3:46 PM on November 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

Describing indescribable Lovecraftian horrors will never be equaled.
posted by hippybear at 3:47 PM on November 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

I think we need to have our own yearly tradition where we make up new sentences in this vein. It could become as predictable as a goose that you just know will hiss at you if you approach it in exactly the wrong way.
posted by cubby at 3:51 PM on November 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

I particularly loved "The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747." Clever, pithy, subverts expectations just the right amount.
posted by allegedly at 4:05 PM on November 19, 2023 [16 favorites]

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t."
– Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

This is a fine list. Numbers 9 and 14 are quite clever.
posted by bryon at 4:05 PM on November 19, 2023 [16 favorites]

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

This was me this morning trying to transfer my Bitlocker recovery code from my laptop to my desk computer. Windows helpfully reset my password, so I had to go through the reset password thing twice to reset the password so I could use the laptop to recover the Bitlocker access code. That was bad enough, but the laptop had gone for three months without an update, so I spent 40 minutes waiting to do the updates download and restart procedures and wait for Windows to resend the passcode to get back into the email program.

Then I had to write it down by hand, and the goddam Bitlocker guardian wouldn't tell me which digits I got wrong, so I had to have Windows keep sending me new access codes so I could get back into my laptop's email for the access code to the email program. I had it right all along, except I mistook a 3 for an 8 when entering the Bitlocker recovery code into my desktop. Then I discovered my coffee went cold.

Aside from that, the other 55 entries were funny. I even laughed out loud.
posted by mule98J at 4:11 PM on November 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Yes, #[1]8 reminded me of that Hitchhiker line.

It looks OK on my laptop, but on my iPhone, the first digits of the numbers are missing, like when you're writing a Fortran IV program and forget that the first character of a PRINT statement is for carriage control.

I really liked [2]5. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
posted by MtDewd at 4:18 PM on November 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

This list or a very close variation definitely dates back to the days when these things were email forwards. It could be approaching its 20th anniversary!!
posted by TwoWordReview at 4:21 PM on November 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

i was wondering. do kids these days even know about tv guide?

High school History teacher here. Last Tuesday, one of my colleagues said that his kids had no idea how to operate a...

Hand-crank pencil sharpener. He showed them how to use it. One was so astonished at the point on the pencil that he showed it to others in class.
posted by dfm500 at 4:28 PM on November 19, 2023 [13 favorites]

this is so old that I was in highschool when it was circulating. Pre-internet gold.

I should note, I always loved this one:
13) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
because it reminds me of
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

BEST of the PREWEB, I say
posted by es_de_bah at 4:33 PM on November 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Ever since I saw the movie Robocop I've said that if people burst across your car like the guy in that movie, they'd be run down much more often.
posted by hippybear at 4:37 PM on November 19, 2023

Describing indescribable Lovecraftian horrors will never be equaled.

The funny thing is, Lovecraft gets stick for “describing indescribable horrors,” but his descriptions are rarely a coherent image — just little flashes of description that leave the reader trying to piece them together. My favorite is “A mountain walked or stumbled.” What is that “or” doing? The narrator is struggling to describe what he’s seeing and making a hash of it.

Ahem, anyway, on with the “definitely not written by high school students but still funny” thread.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:37 PM on November 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Had to Google for a pic of Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth…anyone else?
posted by hrpomrx at 5:46 PM on November 19, 2023

Huh. Looks like these are only 15 years old. I thought that, with the Clinton and the Kerrigan and the TV Guide, they must have been bandied about on Compuserve.

https://www.everseradio.com/winners-of-the-washington-post-style-invitational-bad-simile-and-metaphor-contest/
posted by darksasami at 6:28 PM on November 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

The Washington post themselves say 1995 - so 28 years old!

“This meme, "Bad Analogies Written by High School Students" was not written by high school students, but instead contains winning Style Invitational entries from Week 120 in 1995. (The Style Invitational/THE STYLE INVITATIONAL)”
posted by TwoWordReview at 7:20 PM on November 19, 2023 [20 favorites]

Metafilter: 'sentence's''
posted by clavdivs at 7:41 PM on November 19, 2023

Which isn’t a complaint, understand, I’m just noting that and suggesting that if you suspect these were not actually compiled from student writing you are almost certainly correct.

yeah it's copypasta, like the 'relaxen and watchen das blinkenlights' thing people used to send around. i like it better that way tbh.
posted by Sebmojo at 10:05 PM on November 19, 2023

Yeah I remember seeing this floating around the Internet in the 90s for sure
posted by potrzebie at 10:12 PM on November 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

I don’t know whether they came from high school students or not

I do.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:22 PM on November 19, 2023

National Lampoon's Lines From the Slushpile column ("culled from unsolicited
manuscripts sent to a prominent
editor of fiction") once had this:

"Well," he said. "Voila for now."
posted by Paul Slade at 11:42 PM on November 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

"Well," he said. "Voila for now."

Reminiscent of Del Boy, from Only Fools & Horses. "Mange tout Rodney, mange tout."
posted by faceplantingcheetah at 11:52 PM on November 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Like Kerrigan? Raven-haired, fair Nancy? Generously orthodentated is she, yargh!
posted by DeepSeaHaggis at 11:55 PM on November 19, 2023

I'm glad everyone who was never themselves humiliated in public by any of their teachers is enjoying this. Ignore me; carry on.
posted by Cardinal Fang at 1:13 AM on November 20, 2023

We will, thanks.
posted by Klipspringer at 6:13 AM on November 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'm glad everyone who was never themselves humiliated in public by any of their teachers is enjoying this.

Relax. No actual kids were humiliated. These are the work of grown adults amusing themselves by cooking up deliberately awful sentences.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:18 AM on November 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

Hold on a minute…

DEAR GOD

I am never going to unsee this now.
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 6:23 AM on November 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

Actual bad writing is far more boring. That's one of the things that makes it bad. And honestly I see lots of it in my job, it mostly consists of saying what you've already said to pad out your paragraph. In summary, bad writing is a land of not enough contrasts.
posted by emjaybee at 7:23 AM on November 20, 2023 [7 favorites]

I am pretty sure one could come up with stuff as good or better from real high school students, specially when they are doing it on purpose.

One time in high school the class complained that the public speaking teacher, who was an authoritarian asshole, was giving bad grades if he did not like the politics in one’s speech.

He responded with something like “because of some fragile snowflakes in this class I have been forced to evaluate you only on the form and not the content of your speeches”. This started a malicious compliance war between him and us.

If a 2 minute speech required 2 metaphors, 2 similes, and a callback, you would write 2 30 second metaphors, 2 30 second similes, and a callback at the end. I loved that class the way you love a book you are given on your first communion by your great aunt who does not know you very well so she asked in her church group what an appropriate book for a first communion is and gives you a creationism book disguised like a science book but you already have read a lot about evolution so you just laugh at the book and when she asks you later if you liked the book you say that you loved it and learned a lot because it is true that you laughed at the content but it had great illustrations of people living with dinosaurs and you learned from them how to draw dinosaurs in 3/4 profile.
posted by Dr. Curare at 7:31 AM on November 20, 2023 [6 favorites]

Btw, not saying that one is good, only that it is true. If you add walking around the stage, changes in emphasis, and body language, you easily get 30 seconds out of it.
posted by Dr. Curare at 7:33 AM on November 20, 2023

The 'it came down the stairs' quote is basically a rephrasing of a line from Thurber's "The 13 Clocks"
posted by The otter lady at 7:46 PM on November 20, 2023

> My favorite is “A mountain walked or stumbled.” What is that “or” doing? The narrator is struggling to describe what he’s seeing and making a hash of it.

oh dang this is a quality observation, because it makes me really get why people like lovecraft. like, i've tried, and in at least one instance i've succeeded (mountains of madness is a damned fine piece of writing, everything else (except for maybe color out of space? i don't remember the plot but i think i remember not wanting to throw the book across the room?) anyway i've tried to like him but for the most part haven't, but also i know that there are people who like him and i see that there's something to like in there and i think that thing you just said is behind most of it.

but yeah the way the writing 1: gives up on the details 2: aggressively destabilizes any attempt by the reader to make sense of the details, it's a neat effect. mountains of madness does it best, all "there's a bunch of stuff drawn on these walls and boy howdy i wish i could do any of it justice!" and "a shoggoth is a congeries of somethingerather all i can tell you is it sure has sweeped up a lot of penguins!" but it's all over all of his works.

i'd also like to venture that there is something going on in these (quite nice) analogies that is similar in form to the lovecraft thing — a narrative-slash-narrator that ostentatiously refuses to give you a fix on what's being described — but for a different effect. basically the technique isn't used to present the pov of a pov character who's like overwhelmed by the sublime or whatever. instead, it's, mm, i've got to find just the right words

okay. so, that "it walked or stumbled" thing could be used to show how the narrator couldn't put it together and/or is cracking up, but if you turn it up so it's really loud it also can be used (but only in super-voicy texts like these analogies) as an ostentatiously nonchalant gesture from a super intrusive 3^rd-person omniscient narrator. something equivalent to "the thing walked or stumbled, something like that, i don't care, you're smart so whatever you're thinking it did is what it did probably."

if you try for that sort of thing and miss you're screwed (but it's your fault for trying to write a super-voicy intrusive 3^rd-person omniscient narrator, what makes you think you can pull that off?) but if you try for it and hit the mark, do it with exactly the right amount of confidence bordering on over-confidence after having already won the reader's trust by having already done some more straightforward stylistic stunts, it is, like, so fun.
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 8:46 PM on November 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

And the "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" award goes to...
posted by polecat at 9:54 PM on November 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

except for maybe color out of space?

There's a line in that story about the colour being a colour "only by analogy". As Alan Moore has pointed out, the effect here is remind us that this thing - whatever it is - is so alien to us that even basic concepts like colour don't apply. It pulls the rug out from beneath the reader and leaves them feeling unsettled, just as Lovecraft wanted them to be.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:45 PM on November 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

I remember these lists floating around the pre-2000 interwebs but for this particular collection, they read as far too well composed for high school students to have written them. My bet is that they were composed by AI, lol. That said, my favorites have to be:

"It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools."

"The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while."

"She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword."

"Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do."
posted by Lynsey at 7:57 AM on November 21, 2023

"Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do." - This is how you know a high schooler didn't write these, no one under 50 knows that word let alone its spelling.
posted by tommasz at 8:04 AM on November 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

For anyone who missed TwoWordReview's post upthread, we do in fact know the exact provenance of this particular list of items, which is a 1995 Washington Post contest for intentionally bad writing.

(One thing I appreciate about the genre is the way the entries helpfully lend themselves to really thinking through what it is that makes a piece of writing work or not work.)
posted by eponym at 10:55 AM on November 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

OMG- Style Invitational!
I totally forgot about this. I knew I recognized the Hefty Bag one, but couldn't remember from where.
I was a big follower of the Style Invitational in the 90's (and occasional contestant, but only once received a bumper sticker) and I remember this contest. (I might even have a hard copy of it still...)
I also remember seeing this kind of 'Actual high-school Students...' article still in the 90's, probably in the paper, but maybe online, and I knew then that it was taken entirely from the SI.
Thanks for the reminder! Some of the funniest jokes I ever heard were from the SI.
posted by MtDewd at 6:35 AM on November 22, 2023

Gene Weingarten and the Empress are still doing the Style Invitational on a smaller footing now, if you're interested.

Gene Pool substack
posted by PussKillian at 11:34 AM on November 22, 2023