Confessions of a Pop-Tarts Taste Tester

November 22, 2023 11:44 AM

“Almost every family has a secret they never discuss. Ours is this: We were taste testers for Pop-Tarts.” (SLNYTimes, archive)
posted by ShooBoo (41 comments total)

She hints her family might be responsible for the popularity of Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon.
I hope they're not responsible for the disappearance of the Unfrosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon variety. That is the only flavor I really like.
One day Walmart was selling triple size boxes, the next, there are none to be found of any size. (Except online, and the prices are going up)
Options are limited, as I will not eat any frosted varieties. The Snickerdoodle ones are OK, I guess, but the pastry part is not as firm- they fall apart.
:(

On preview, it looks like Kellanova brought them back. Something to be thankful for tomorrow.
As Roseanne Roseannadanna would say, 'Nevermind."
posted by MtDewd at 12:21 PM on November 22, 2023

I’m in the wrong profession.
posted by Melismata at 12:25 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

I just miss Frosted Watermelon
posted by one for the books at 12:27 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Unfrosted Brown Sugar is the apex. Nothing has been the same in the world since it disappeared. Unfrosted strawberry was in second place but far behind. But yeah, the unfrosted are a million times better than frosted, and no, no kind of "toaster pastry" by any other brand will do. :(
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:41 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

HANG ON okay I see it's still available, kinda? I can somehow buy a box of 96 on Amazon. But also, okay, I do LOVE IT but I don't want a case of 96, dammit.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:45 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

My go to breakfast in the morning is a pack of PopTarts, cold (not toasted), and a glass of milk. My household prefers Blueberry, but I admit I can't really taste much of a difference between the 'fruity' kinds.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:45 PM on November 22, 2023

That’s because the fruit varieties all contain a significant amount of apple paste in the filling. There was a lawsuit over it, but it was (wrongly in my opinion) dismissed.
posted by jedicus at 1:00 PM on November 22, 2023 [6 favorites]

But also, okay, I do LOVE IT but I don't want a case of 96, dammit.

They're goddamn pop tarts. You buy them, they already last forever in their mylar packaging. If you want them to last longer put them in the freezer. The box of 96 could well last you the rest of your life if it's only a sometimes treat.
posted by hippybear at 1:14 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

I used to love the frosted chocolate pop tarts. Then one day I read the ingredients and saw it had gelatin and never had them again. There's some organic version without gelatin but it is nowhere near as junky. One day Kellogg's will change their formula and get rid of the gelatin and then I will probably buy more pop tarts than is healthy.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:27 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Pop-Tarts? There just has to be a deleted scene from Idiocracy panning over a grocery shelf containing 'Pop-Sluts' and 'Crack-Frosted Pop-Whores' (or Frosted Pop-Assistant Crack Whores_{rip norm})
posted by zaixfeep at 2:58 PM on November 22, 2023 [4 favorites]

In the US, where Pop-Tarts originated, the word "tart" doesn't have the same colloquial use it does in your country, apparently.

I hear that words like "pants" mean different things outside our lamentably isolated shores, too.
posted by hippybear at 3:03 PM on November 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

I don't think I've ever had a pop-tart I really liked, but at least once a year I buy some novel pop-tart flavor in case this is The One True Pop-Tart.

This is one of those personal consumption habits I can neither understand or stop.
posted by the primroses were over at 3:37 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

The S'Mores pop tarts aren't bad if you really toast them to exactly the right point. They are still Truly Weird Food, but they aren't bad.
posted by hippybear at 3:48 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

I don't think I've ever had a pop-tart I really liked, but

the marketing sure worked on me as a pie loving kid.

I tried a Pop Tart. Once.
posted by philip-random at 4:25 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

I recall having an absolutely spectacular frosted strawberry Pop-Tart as a kid. I don’t know if it’s changed formulas or just not being ten anymore, but about every six or eight months I try one again, and they are now only the shadows of Pop-Tarts on the cave wall. Deeply unsatisfying once you have seen the true and ideal form.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 4:51 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

I don't know what "as a kid" counts for in your life, but I have definite memories of Pop-Tarts having better crust and deeper flavors when I was a kid in the Seventies and Eighties. I think maybe one reason they discontinued the unfrosted varieties is because they degraded the crust to the point where it couldn't stand on its own. The entire experience today is not what it was even 20 years ago and definitely it was markedly better 30 years ago.
posted by hippybear at 4:55 PM on November 22, 2023 [3 favorites]

Awww, hippybear, that's very pants of you, thanks.
posted by zaixfeep at 4:59 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

I do want a box of 96- they last me 96 days.
I just don’t want to pay $50 for them.
posted by MtDewd at 4:59 PM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

This brought back a memory I haven't thought about for a long time. around 1969 or 1970 I was in first grade in a parochial school in suburban Chicago and and we were periodically gathered in the hallway to taste test Kool-Aid (or some variant). Writing it down now it sounds extremely sketchy and I hope it was just Kool-Aid. I just remember very small sample size cups and then being instructed to fill in one of five circles, ranging from a frown face to a smile face. I guess the school was paid to use us to test food on? I've never heard of this happening anywhere else.
posted by Stupidsexyflanders_take2 at 6:04 PM on November 22, 2023 [5 favorites]

They're goddamn pop tarts. You buy them, they already last forever in their mylar packaging. If you want them to last longer put them in the freezer. The box of 96 could well last you the rest of your life if it's only a sometimes treat.

Not necessarily true. Granted I stored mine in the pantry and not the freezer, but something weird does happen with the filling and the pastry so that after a year it some gross greasy mess (FYI this was frosted strawberry though).

(How did I let those delicious pop tarts go to waste? Well, I don't live in America, but I bring a suitcase full of food back with me when I come back from visiting home, and that stuff actually almost never gets finished because once its finished then its gone, but as long as I keep the last little bits then I never really run out)
posted by LizBoBiz at 6:34 PM on November 22, 2023

Yeah, but is a Pop-Tart a sandwich?
I'll let myself out.
posted by TrishaU at 4:05 AM on November 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

No. It’s a ravioli.
posted by jzb at 4:50 AM on November 23, 2023 [16 favorites]

I eat Pop Tarts way more often than is healthy. But I have an excuse. They were essentially forbidden in our house when I was a kid because my father, who did stints as a volunteer and then full time firefighter, believed them to be fire hazards.

Once in a while a box would find its way into the house, but even then I was forbidden to actually put them in the toaster.

Now I toast them with abandon.
posted by jzb at 4:54 AM on November 23, 2023 [2 favorites]

Tasting Pop-tarts is the easy end of consumer testing? My mentor in grad school in the 80s believed himself to be an Olfactory Sensitive and answered an ad in the paper seeking part-time volunteers with that niche talent for market research. Over a couple of years, he was well paid to test the efficacy of breath-mints and under-arm deodorants from the other side of a perforated perspex screen.
posted by BobTheScientist at 6:28 AM on November 23, 2023

We weren't even allowed sugary cereals. So these were for sure a no-no...except on backpacking trips when they were breakfast and snacks and we fucking devoured them. And prayed there were leftovers that had to be consumed once home too.
posted by atomicstone at 6:40 AM on November 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

For me, the most important part of the story is that Pop Tarts with icing aren't vegetarian. Gelatin.
posted by young_simba at 7:31 AM on November 23, 2023

Unfrosted Brown Sugar is the apex.
I totally agree with the full comment, including the strawberry ones. It looks like Kellanova has them on it's website, and I don't think they were on the old Kelloggs website last time I looked. We'll see if they show up in stores.

I stored mine in the pantry and not the freezer, but something weird does happen with the filling and the pastry so that after a year it some gross greasy mess (FYI this was frosted strawberry though).
Maybe that was the gelatin. Supposedly they last 6-12 months after 'best by' date. (not that I can find that date on the box)
posted by MtDewd at 7:46 AM on November 23, 2023

I am no Pop-Tart expert, but I suspect the change in crust flavor/texture probably has to do with the (rightful) phasing out of the use of trans fats?
posted by chromecow at 11:00 AM on November 23, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure I remember that when Pop Tarts first appeared on the market, only plain not-frosted varieties were available. Cinnamon was there from the start, and strawberry I'm sure. Maybe blueberry was also a thing at first? I remember thinking that the frosted double chocolate ones were fabulous when they first came out. These days I'm not so impressed.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 7:11 PM on November 23, 2023

They used to have diagonal breaking lines? Truly, our elders feasted like gods.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:41 PM on November 23, 2023 [3 favorites]

For a while in the 60's my favorite thing for breakfast was a Pop Tart.
Then (I think it was) Kelloggs came out with a similar thing that I preferred, but I can't find it online.
It was the same kind of pastry and fillings, but instead of 'ravioli', it was a long tube about finger thickness, and bent into a vaguely paperclip shape.
My favorite there was also brown sugar cinnamon.
Indeed, like gods, we were.
posted by MtDewd at 6:31 AM on November 24, 2023

...and washed down with Tang.
(Until they came out with New, Improved Tang, which....nope)
posted by MtDewd at 6:34 AM on November 24, 2023

In the US, where Pop-Tarts originated, the word "tart" doesn't have the same colloquial use it does in your country, apparently.

Tart does also mean something similar in the US (somewhat colloquial), but it like many other words actually has many definitions, so the context is important. I'm sure some literary-minded 13 year old has made the connection and chortled, at least once.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:58 AM on November 24, 2023

Mod note: [btw, this post (and BlahLaLa's 96 PopTarts) have been added to the sidebar and Best Of blog]
posted by taz (staff) at 2:35 AM on November 25, 2023 [2 favorites]

MtDewd, Danish Go Rounds?
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:06 PM on November 25, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yep. The Go Rounds, not the Rings.
Wonder if I would like them as much today.
posted by MtDewd at 12:55 PM on November 25, 2023

We loved Danish go rounds also!
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:10 PM on November 25, 2023

They lòok really good! I feel like that paperclip shape would be satisfying to eat.

What they need to make is savory Pop Tarts. Like pizza or peanut butter or everything bagel and cream cheese.
posted by blnkfrnk at 12:46 AM on November 26, 2023

I heard recently (on some podcast quiz thing that I don’t recall the name of) that the four original flavors were blueberry, strawberry, brown sugar cinnamon, and apple currant!
posted by slogger at 5:10 AM on November 27, 2023 [1 favorite]

I do want a box of 96- they last me 96 days.

Every Pop-Tart I have ever seen is a twin: that is, they come in foil packages of two. Possibly the circles I move in* overindulge, but I can’t recall that I have ever seen anyone remove one Pop-Tart for consumption and put the other one back for tomorrow.

*Orson Welles once observed, “Gluttony is not a secret vice.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:49 AM on December 2, 2023

Every Pop-Tart I have ever seen is a twin:
I think the 2 to a pack idea is great for the manufacturer- encourage more consumption.
It says serving size=2 pastries. Must be what I'm supposed to eat.

I don't admit to everyone that I have a pop-tart for breakfast every day, if possible.
(I feel I'm in a safe space here)
I am under no illusions about the nutritional value contained within, but this is my one treat a day. (Unless I have lots of other treats...)
One of the things I finally got around to in my 50's was to try to physically limit my access to the types of things that I find addictive, so I deem 1 a day to be my compromise.
And that is one thing I stick to, which is more than I can say for my other snacks.

BTW- these Snickerdoodles I'm eating in lieu of a proper Unfrosted Brown Sugar- I think they toast up better if the foil has been open for a day.
This is my LifeHack for the day.
posted by MtDewd at 6:15 PM on December 5, 2023 [1 favorite]