CAUGHT TESTICLES IN LAWN CHAIR
January 2, 2024 2:00 PM Subscribe
It's the start of a new year, and that means it's time for Defector's annual recap of (mostly self-)inflicted bodily harm - What We Got Stuck In Our Various Orifaces and What We Did To Mr. Happy in 2023.
The 2022 roundup on the Blue. (Apparently, being a DIY mohel is an evergreen event in these listings.)
The 2022 roundup on the Blue. (Apparently, being a DIY mohel is an evergreen event in these listings.)
Mr Happy ain't happy no more.
posted by Paul Slade at 2:13 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
posted by Paul Slade at 2:13 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
Not the funniest, weirdest, or most horrifying, but this kid just really had a good old-fashioned bad day ...
"SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT"
I mean some days are like that.
posted by taz at 2:15 PM on January 2 [32 favorites]
"SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT"
I mean some days are like that.
posted by taz at 2:15 PM on January 2 [32 favorites]
Ow my balls
Now and then I believe that movie was prophetic
posted by cybrcamper at 2:20 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
Now and then I believe that movie was prophetic
posted by cybrcamper at 2:20 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
PARTNER PLACED A PENIS CAGE ON PENIS AND TESTICLES, LOCKED IT AND LEFT AFTER INTERCOURSE
I mean... that's literally how they're meant to be used.
posted by hippybear at 2:21 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
I mean... that's literally how they're meant to be used.
posted by hippybear at 2:21 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
I’m loving the new season recaps of “How I Met Your Mother”.
posted by misterpatrick at 2:26 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by misterpatrick at 2:26 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
I, uh, related to one of those entries.
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:33 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:33 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
"PATIENT HAS BEEN MASTURBATING VIGOROUSLY LATELY" Masterful phrasing. "What have you been up to?" "You mean, like, lately?"
More seriously, between the self-inflicted ("TRIED TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS") and the clear lies ("STANDING WHEN A FISH TANK STRUCK HIM IN THE GENITALS"), there are plenty that seem to be just slightly unluckier versions of everyday events ("HIT IN GROIN WITH TENNIS RACKET," "HOT RADIATOR FLUID SPEWED ONTO HIS PENIS," "HIS SISTER THREW A SHOE AT HIM AND HIT HIM IN TESTICLE.") There but for the grace of god...
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 2:38 PM on January 2 [5 favorites]
More seriously, between the self-inflicted ("TRIED TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS") and the clear lies ("STANDING WHEN A FISH TANK STRUCK HIM IN THE GENITALS"), there are plenty that seem to be just slightly unluckier versions of everyday events ("HIT IN GROIN WITH TENNIS RACKET," "HOT RADIATOR FLUID SPEWED ONTO HIS PENIS," "HIS SISTER THREW A SHOE AT HIM AND HIT HIM IN TESTICLE.") There but for the grace of god...
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 2:38 PM on January 2 [5 favorites]
ARM PAIN WHEN DOING KARATE AND TICK BITE TO TESTICLES
I swear I knew this kid in high school.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 2:45 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
I swear I knew this kid in high school.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 2:45 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
My favorite is the one where it says "HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR THE SAME THING." I can just hear the aggravation.
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:54 PM on January 2 [7 favorites]
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:54 PM on January 2 [7 favorites]
"PUT A SCREW IN HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE WAS CURIOUS"
themoreyouknow.gif
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:07 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
themoreyouknow.gif
posted by Capt. Renault at 3:07 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
CAUGHT TESTICLES IN LAWN CHAIR
Yeah, I'd be yelling in all caps if that happened to me, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:09 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I'd be yelling in all caps if that happened to me, too.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:09 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
PUT AN ALUMINUM FOIL WRAP UP HER RIGHT NOSTRIL AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED CRYING
That's reasonable.
PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR SAME THING
...twice? There's a tale.
posted by doctornemo at 3:16 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
That's reasonable.
PUT PIECES OF STYROFOAM CUP IN NOSTRIL. HE WAS SEEN YESTERDAY FOR SAME THING
...twice? There's a tale.
posted by doctornemo at 3:16 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
When I was really little I once caught my weenie in the zipper of my footed onesie after using the bathroom. That was not a good day.
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:21 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 3:21 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
"WAS CHEWING ON A BATTERY WHEN HE POSSIBLY SWALLOWED PART OF IT, ALSO WITH A POPCORN KERNEL IN RIGHT EAR"
That's a punchline.
posted by edencosmic at 3:28 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
That's a punchline.
posted by edencosmic at 3:28 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
The day I caught the end of my dick in the zipper of my fly was the day I went to mostly button fly pants.
posted by hippybear at 3:31 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 3:31 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
"STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE"
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
posted by Philipschall at 3:32 PM on January 2 [20 favorites]
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
posted by Philipschall at 3:32 PM on January 2 [20 favorites]
FOUND A RING ON THE FLOOR AND PLACED IT ON HIS PENIS AND NOW CANT GET IT OFF
Goddamit, Boromir.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:34 PM on January 2 [57 favorites]
Goddamit, Boromir.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:34 PM on January 2 [57 favorites]
WAS DOING "EXERCISES" WITH PENIS THAT HE SAW ON YOUTUBE AND DEVELOPED PRIAPISM
They worked!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:36 PM on January 2 [5 favorites]
They worked!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:36 PM on January 2 [5 favorites]
As a queer woman, I've had little experience with penises, and yet once upon a time I had two small children with uncircumcised ones. I bought one of them a swimsuit that was lined with a kind of net fabric (instead of the kind that's mostly solid but with little holes in it). Part of his foreskin got caught in the net, and we had to got to Urgent Care to get it cut off. The net! Not the penis. I felt terrible, as one does. Paid more attention to swimsuit linings ever after.
One of my friends had a young son who came to show her his penis. The end of it was somehow broad and flat. It was horrifying. Turned out he'd put a nickel in his foreskin.
posted by Well I never at 3:38 PM on January 2 [18 favorites]
One of my friends had a young son who came to show her his penis. The end of it was somehow broad and flat. It was horrifying. Turned out he'd put a nickel in his foreskin.
posted by Well I never at 3:38 PM on January 2 [18 favorites]
"WAS CHEWING ON A BATTERY WHEN HE POSSIBLY SWALLOWED PART OF IT, ALSO WITH A POPCORN KERNEL IN RIGHT EAR"
I can picture the scene:
He was hungry and made a bad snack choice.
He tried to rectify that while waiting for the ambulance to arrive by making popcorn.
As he was eating the hospital called back; in his distress and distraction he tried to answer the phone by smacking a handful of popcorn up to his ear. Hey, easy mistake to make...
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:41 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
I can picture the scene:
He was hungry and made a bad snack choice.
He tried to rectify that while waiting for the ambulance to arrive by making popcorn.
As he was eating the hospital called back; in his distress and distraction he tried to answer the phone by smacking a handful of popcorn up to his ear. Hey, easy mistake to make...
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:41 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
no
posted by Riki tiki at 3:50 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by Riki tiki at 3:50 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
WAS OPENING AN OLD WOODEN CHEST AND IT ACCIDENTALLY SHUT ON HIS PENIS
The original ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark did not fly well with test audiences
posted by phooky at 3:53 PM on January 2 [22 favorites]
The original ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark did not fly well with test audiences
posted by phooky at 3:53 PM on January 2 [22 favorites]
"STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE"
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
Replace "tip of penis" with "cheekbone," "motorcycle" with "bicycle," and substract the clothing part*, and I have done this, possibly for failing to pay obeisance to the Hittite god of destiny.
Not sure how the patient is so certain in this, er, scenario that it was a bee. I was presumably going more slowly and had a better look at the intercepting insect (almost in my eye, after all) and I only made a tentative identification the next day -- I initially reckoned I had collided with a fly, but the red swelling the size of a half-ping-pong ball the following morning led me to revise that impression.
*That is to say, I was barefaced, not fully nude.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:56 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
Replace "tip of penis" with "cheekbone," "motorcycle" with "bicycle," and substract the clothing part*, and I have done this, possibly for failing to pay obeisance to the Hittite god of destiny.
Not sure how the patient is so certain in this, er, scenario that it was a bee. I was presumably going more slowly and had a better look at the intercepting insect (almost in my eye, after all) and I only made a tentative identification the next day -- I initially reckoned I had collided with a fly, but the red swelling the size of a half-ping-pong ball the following morning led me to revise that impression.
*That is to say, I was barefaced, not fully nude.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:56 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
"HAVING SEVERAL DRINKS THIS MORNING, SWALLOWED A SMALL PIECE OF HIS COMPUTER"
Let me guess, the hard drive?
posted by zompist at 3:57 PM on January 2 [7 favorites]
Let me guess, the hard drive?
posted by zompist at 3:57 PM on January 2 [7 favorites]
I mean, who among us hasn't had a few drinks (in the morning) and then swallowed a piece of our computer?
posted by edencosmic at 4:02 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
posted by edencosmic at 4:02 PM on January 2 [8 favorites]
CAUGHT STEALING FROM TONS OF ARTISTS DURING DISCOVERY
Oh, that's self inflicted harm, but from the thread above this one.
posted by ursus_comiter at 4:10 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
Oh, that's self inflicted harm, but from the thread above this one.
posted by ursus_comiter at 4:10 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
FOUND A RING ON THE FLOOR AND PLACED IT ON HIS PENIS AND NOW CANT GET IT OFF
Goddamit, Boromir.
"If you would but lend me the ring..."
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 4:43 PM on January 2 [6 favorites]
Goddamit, Boromir.
"If you would but lend me the ring..."
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 4:43 PM on January 2 [6 favorites]
OLD WOODEN CHEST wins for most descriptive omg lol
posted by tiny frying pan at 4:54 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by tiny frying pan at 4:54 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
"STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE"
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
posted by Philipschall at 3:32 PM on January 2 [7 favorites +] [⚑]
To be... um... frank, I get a hornet behind the glasses or down the jersey at least a couple times a year while riding my bicycle. This year I got stung on the chest and the balls going down a hill at 75km/h. There's not a hell of a lot you can do at that point, but I feel like I should be on somebody's year-end list.
posted by klanawa at 5:02 PM on January 2 [13 favorites]
What Sumerian God of Fate did you so greviously defame / piss off for that to happen.
posted by Philipschall at 3:32 PM on January 2 [7 favorites +] [⚑]
To be... um... frank, I get a hornet behind the glasses or down the jersey at least a couple times a year while riding my bicycle. This year I got stung on the chest and the balls going down a hill at 75km/h. There's not a hell of a lot you can do at that point, but I feel like I should be on somebody's year-end list.
posted by klanawa at 5:02 PM on January 2 [13 favorites]
Have you guys heard the new one by Ariel and Efrim?
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 5:06 PM on January 2
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 5:06 PM on January 2
Not sure how the patient is so certain in this, er, scenario that it was a bee.
Honeybees leave their stinger behind even if the victim didn't end up the the rest of it. An ex had a bee fly up her skirt and sting her on the vulva through her underwear while we were on a hike. We found the stinger and a bit of bee body.
posted by Mitheral at 5:24 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
Honeybees leave their stinger behind even if the victim didn't end up the the rest of it. An ex had a bee fly up her skirt and sting her on the vulva through her underwear while we were on a hike. We found the stinger and a bit of bee body.
posted by Mitheral at 5:24 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]
Pool Noodle?!
posted by inexorably_forward at 6:03 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
posted by inexorably_forward at 6:03 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
PUT A SCREW IN HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE WAS CURIOUS
This is the kind of thing that really pisses off the man in the yellow hat.
posted by PlusDistance at 6:28 PM on January 2 [19 favorites]
This is the kind of thing that really pisses off the man in the yellow hat.
posted by PlusDistance at 6:28 PM on January 2 [19 favorites]
"STATES THAT EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON HE WAS 'TRYING TO BE FUNNY' AND SHOVED A PLASTIC BOTTLE UP HIS RECTUM"
Scott Adams, standing uncomfortably in the ER waiting room: "CHECKMATE, SNOWFLAKES!"
posted by PlusDistance at 6:47 PM on January 2 [14 favorites]
Scott Adams, standing uncomfortably in the ER waiting room: "CHECKMATE, SNOWFLAKES!"
posted by PlusDistance at 6:47 PM on January 2 [14 favorites]
I was reading this in bed and the headline made me curl up in a ball and whimper, despite possessing neither testicles not a lawn chair.
posted by Fuchsoid at 6:53 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
posted by Fuchsoid at 6:53 PM on January 2 [4 favorites]
During my second or third shift on a floating oil rig, choppy water had me struggling to guide the threaded ends of hanging drill pipes into the receiving ends of the ones clamped below. I got in the habit of hooking a leg around the bottom pipe to anchor myself but then a 1500+ lbs pipe landed home with the groin of my coveralls caught in the joint. Still gives me shivers.
posted by brachiopod at 8:03 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
posted by brachiopod at 8:03 PM on January 2 [10 favorites]
We remain the weirdest species, and it isn’t even close.
posted by armeowda at 8:35 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
posted by armeowda at 8:35 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE
This is what they mean when they say motorcycles are dangerous.
posted by atoxyl at 9:15 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
This is what they mean when they say motorcycles are dangerous.
posted by atoxyl at 9:15 PM on January 2 [3 favorites]
Turned out he'd put a nickel in his foreskin.
I don't want to know what kind of gum was supposed to come out, nor where from.
posted by flabdablet at 4:41 AM on January 3 [4 favorites]
I don't want to know what kind of gum was supposed to come out, nor where from.
posted by flabdablet at 4:41 AM on January 3 [4 favorites]
Apparently, being a DIY mohel is an evergreen event in these listings
To be fair, deciduosity would make it unnecessary.
posted by flabdablet at 4:43 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
To be fair, deciduosity would make it unnecessary.
posted by flabdablet at 4:43 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
"SWALLOWED A MAGNET AT SCHOOL THEN WAS STUNG BY A WASP ON HIS FOOT"
I particularly like the insinuation of causal connection in this one.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:51 AM on January 3 [7 favorites]
I particularly like the insinuation of causal connection in this one.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:51 AM on January 3 [7 favorites]
ARM PAIN WHEN DOING KARATE AND TICK BITE TO TESTICLES likewise.
posted by flabdablet at 4:55 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 4:55 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
TWO SMALL DOGS BIT SCROTUM
So…. at the same time, or does this guy make a habit of taunting small dogs and has not learned to wear protective gear while doing so?
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 AM on January 3 [4 favorites]
So…. at the same time, or does this guy make a habit of taunting small dogs and has not learned to wear protective gear while doing so?
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 AM on January 3 [4 favorites]
Paging Ryvar: how hard would it be to use Stable Diffusion to incorporate all of these into a large multi-panel work in the style of Hieronymus Bosch?
posted by flabdablet at 5:12 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 5:12 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
Omg someone feed these into an AI program immediately
wait don't
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:41 AM on January 3 [2 favorites]
wait don't
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:41 AM on January 3 [2 favorites]
During my second or third shift on a floating oil rig, choppy water had me struggling to guide the threaded ends of hanging drill pipes into the receiving ends of the ones clamped below. I got in the habit of hooking a leg around the bottom pipe to anchor myself but then a 1500+ lbs pipe landed home with the groin of my coveralls caught in the joint. Still gives me shivers.
Many, many years ago I took a ride on a freight train. When jumping off (a dumb, amateur decision) I landed wrong and ended up right next to the moving wheels. If I had rolled just a few more inches, part of me would have gone under. I've found that memories of scary things get mellower with time, but that one specifically just gets more visceral. More than 30 years later, I literally shiver when that memory pops up.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:55 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
Many, many years ago I took a ride on a freight train. When jumping off (a dumb, amateur decision) I landed wrong and ended up right next to the moving wheels. If I had rolled just a few more inches, part of me would have gone under. I've found that memories of scary things get mellower with time, but that one specifically just gets more visceral. More than 30 years later, I literally shiver when that memory pops up.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:55 AM on January 3 [3 favorites]
Tick to the testicles is NOT the worst tick option in that list.
posted by AFII at 7:32 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
posted by AFII at 7:32 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
"STUNG BY A BEE TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS THROUGH HIS CLOTHING TODAY WHILE RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE"
Armored pants, dude. ATGATT.
posted by hanov3r at 11:43 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
Armored pants, dude. ATGATT.
posted by hanov3r at 11:43 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
FOUND A RING ON THE FLOOR AND PLACED IT ON HIS PENIS AND NOW CANT GET IT OFF
Goddamit, Boromir.
WERE ALL OF THEM DECEIVED
posted by The Bellman at 12:36 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]
Goddamit, Boromir.
WERE ALL OF THEM DECEIVED
posted by The Bellman at 12:36 PM on January 3 [4 favorites]
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Not atop the screwdriver. Not while wielding a screwdriver. NEAR a screwdriver.
The mind boggles.
posted by Dr. Wu at 2:08 PM on January 2 [2 favorites]