Who wrote Lord of the Rings, again?
January 16, 2003 12:53 PM   Subscribe

Who wrote Lord of the Rings, again? Those wacky, wacky teeming million followers of Cecil Adams are at it again, this time figuring out how Lord of the Rings might have read were it written by other hands. The best, in my opinion, is John Cage's rendition.
posted by thanotopsis (24 comments total)
Frodo: I'm here to deliver your ring.

Sauron: But I didn't order a ring!

[Frodo strips, BOW-CHIKA-WOW-WOW porno music starts]
posted by Stan Chin at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2003

From the John Madden version:

What's important for the forces of good? Turnovers. The forces of good can't turn over that ring. Turning over that ring will have a definite impact on the outcome of this war.

Watch as the pocket collapses around the Nazgul King and BOOM! He's down.

Some wonderful stuff in here. Thanks thanotopsis.
posted by Ljubljana at 1:31 PM on January 16, 2003

Stan, before the stripping there's always a shoulder rub and perhaps a pizza (though the pizza can be eaten after).

Unless it's lesbians.

Great link (though it seems not be working from time to time)! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery you know...
posted by WolfDaddy at 1:39 PM on January 16, 2003

Saruman: You got the thing?
Gandalf: the thing?
Saruman: the thing.
Gandalf: Have I got the thing? No. I don't. Don't have it.
Saruman: fuckin' thing
Gandalf: here's the thing. The thing is. I know where it is.
Saruman: okay, okay good. but what about...?
Gandalf: Yeah?
Saruman: you know.
Gandalf: Oh.
Saruman: Fuckin' thing.

LoTR by David Mamet
posted by pejamo at 1:49 PM on January 16, 2003

Seinfeld version:

What's the deal with the One Ring? I mean--I'm sorry, I just can't allow myself go any further with that one.

Great link, thanotopsis.
posted by DakotaPaul at 1:50 PM on January 16, 2003

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Take the ring!
I am too small to carry this thing!"

"I can not, will not hold the One.
You have a slim chance, but I have none.
I will not take it on a boat,
I will not take it across a moat.
I cannot take it under Moria,
that's one thing I can't do for ya.
I would not bring it into Mordor,
I would not make it to the border."

That's great! Thanks.
posted by yhbc at 1:55 PM on January 16, 2003

Everything depends upon
The ring bearing hobbit, wet with rain,
next to the snow white chickens.

WC Williams
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:33 PM on January 16, 2003

Question (and a Straight-Dopish one at that): Where did "bow-chikka-wow-wow" come from? Obviously, it's porn music, but someone had to be the first person to onomatapoeize it like that, and they must have done it very well because it's become the ubiquitous porn-music vocalization. I remember seeing some stand-up comic do it 12 to 15 years ago on television in a pretty standard bit about either porn movies or "what if life had a porn music soundtrack," and that's where I picked it up -- could that lonely comic really been the bow-chikka-wow-wow ground zero?
posted by blueshammer at 2:35 PM on January 16, 2003

Apologies if this idea is already in the thread, I didn't feel like going through 35 pages

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's Totally Awesome Middle Earth Vacation

Mary Kate: Oh my god, this elven cloak so does not go with this one ring.

Ashley: No joke, and did you see Galadriel's hair? 1999 called, they want their hair back.

Mary Kate: Ugh! I am so sick of walking, where are we going?

Ashley: Earth to Mary Kate! Like DUH. One Ring? Mount Doom? HELLLO?!

Mary Kate: Oh, sorry, I was thinking about Legolas again.

Ashley: Major Bummer! I forgot to get his number!

[There is a rustling noise in the bushes behind them. Mary Kate and Ashley stop and turn around, hugging each other in fear]

Ashley: Hey, uhm... whoever's following us you'd better stop! I have ... I have.. STING!

Mary Kate: That's lipstick honey.

Mysterious Voice: ...preeecccioooous....

Ashley: That's gotta be for you Mary Kate, sounds like Merry from the shire.

Mary Kate: Ugh! I so did not date him! Besides, Pippin was cuter!

Mysterious Voice: my preeeeciooous...

Ashley: Alright, who's there? I'll have you know we're not legal yet, and cops and stuff will put you in jail!

[The figure rustles out of the bushes and appears]

Bob Saget: Girls, what are you doing out this time of night? I'm not going to let my precious little darlings freeze to death!

Ashley: Oh my god, what in the world are you doing out here?

Mary: We told you already, you're not our real dad!

Bob Saget: Don't play games with me young lady, Uncle Jesse's been worried sick about you.

Mary Kate and Ashley: THAT WAS A TV SHOW!

Dave Coulier: Oh Cut. It. Out!
posted by Stan Chin at 2:58 PM on January 16, 2003

LoTR in 11 words
Short guy throws magic ring into volcano. Local lay-about becomes king.
posted by blue_beetle at 3:10 PM on January 16, 2003

Excellent, but I can't find the John Cage version - could you paste it?
posted by jamespake at 3:12 PM on January 16, 2003

could that lonely comic really been the bow-chikka-wow-wow ground zero

I believe you've hit the nail on the head, uh, blueshammer, but so far haven't turned up anything to substantiate it, probably because there's too many different ways to spell "bow chikka wow wow".

So I'm asking Cecil.
posted by WolfDaddy at 3:39 PM on January 16, 2003

Excellent, but I can't find the John Cage version - could you paste it?

The Lord of the Rings by John Cage:

THE RING!!!!!!!!!

The End.
posted by thanotopsis at 3:53 PM on January 16, 2003

"...It was a time of gathering darkness in Hobbiton, my home town." -- Garrison Keillor's The Fellowship of the Ring

"Preciousprecious we must have it the precious it came to us birthday present sneakytrixieskulky littlehobbitses they stoleses it from us precious" -- From the first chapter of The Sound and The Hobbit, by William Faulkner

Frodo Baggins: Gandalf... Gandalf... What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, then this ring that threatens Middle Earth would be boiling in Mount Doom this very day. And if by chance an honest wizard like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.
Gandalf: Be my friend, Don Frodo?
Frodo Baggins: Good. Some day, and that day may never come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. Now let's smoke some "pipeweed".
(From Francis Ford Coppolla's The Godfather of the Rings)

Also, I'm not gonna take the time to do an impersonation, but I think it's safe to say that in Kevin Smith's Lord of the Rings, all the characters sit around talking about Star Wars.
posted by Hildago at 4:12 PM on January 16, 2003

"It was the end of the Third Age of Middle Earth, fifty (okay, 77 for you purists) years after the Battle of Five Armies. The Fellowship project was a nightmare given form, a quest where humans and hobbits could work out their differences loquaciously. It was a dangerous quest, they were all alone in their flight. The year is 3018. The name of the place is Barad-dur Five"

Londo does Tolkien (and anyone who doesn't see the massive parallels between LoTR and Babylon 5 isn't as obsessive as I).
posted by WolfDaddy at 4:18 PM on January 16, 2003

I will also put my vote in for that one comic being the originator of the "porn soundtrack" meme... that's where remember getting it from, years ago (like you said, blueshammer & WolfDaddy), and I watched it gradually spread through my friend/family circle.

I wonder if Cecil can confirm...?
posted by scribblative at 4:35 PM on January 16, 2003

…and O those grimblack Orcs O and the fishes the fishes bluegray so deadlike and the Eye precious and all the little hobbits and dirtbrown and deadwater and yellowgreen and the caves and the tunnels and the tombs and the swamps and the Misty Mountains as a hobbit when I was a lover of the ring precious when I put the ring on my finger like Sauron used or shall I wear it on my toe and how I ate raw fish under the Mountain and I thought oh blast that hobbit he stole my precious and then two stupid hobbits carried my precious and then I said I would take them through the tunnel precious to Sauron precious my precious and then I led them to Shelob precious and left them to her to be eaten precious and their cries echoed like mad and precious I said precious I said Precioussss.

--LoTR, James Joyce version
posted by thomas j wise at 6:47 PM on January 16, 2003 [1 favorite]

Here's the John Cage version:

Once upon a t-t-time puh-puh-poo *poughkeepsie* ring. *forced smile*...
posted by wackybrit at 7:38 PM on January 16, 2003

I was thinking about the same thing when you mentioned it blueshammer...I have friends (a couple) who use the BOW chika wow wow quite often and it hooked me and I use it myself. Always wondered where they got that from...
posted by SweetIceT at 9:27 PM on January 16, 2003

I've always said "bow chicka wang wang." Call me a freak.
posted by grrarrgh00 at 10:31 PM on January 16, 2003

"the ring is heavy
long is the path to Mt. Doom
Sauron is now gone.

posted by geekhorde at 11:04 PM on January 16, 2003

"bow chicka wang wang."

Whoa, kinkmeister, is that even legal in this state?!
posted by Hildago at 11:06 PM on January 16, 2003

I've always said "bow chicka wang wang." Call me a freak.


It's bowmp chikka whomp BOWMP.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:25 PM on January 16, 2003

And here I always thought it was "Bow chikka BOWM bowm."

Love the Joyce version, thomas j wise.
posted by hippugeek at 12:54 AM on January 17, 2003

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