There really is no hope for humankind
July 28, 2003 12:26 AM   Subscribe

Quote Some Reviews of some very bad movies, and wrap it all up in a pretty package that parodies the movie's posters. Hilarity ensues. (I'm not being sarcastic. I woke my spouse up out of bed laughing at this-- and I was in the kitchen.) It's a feature of, which has evolved from a promo site for a Kevin Smith movie. I guess we'll know if Smith really has a sense of humor if we see the Critical Mess treatment given to Jersey Girl, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, or Mallrats.
posted by Shoeburyness (17 comments total)
Funny, but they really need to do one for Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
posted by angry modem at 1:02 AM on July 28, 2003

Somehow I managed to completely miss the last line of that post, as I just clicked the links. It's past 3 AM, and I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Metafilter. I hope you don't think I'm too much of a dipshit.
posted by angry modem at 1:16 AM on July 28, 2003

You can't be too much of a dipshit for MetaFilter.
I've learned that from years of trying...
posted by wendell at 2:02 AM on July 28, 2003

Nathan Rabin from the Onion really needs to win some sort of award for best descriptions of bad movies.
posted by drezdn at 3:06 AM on July 28, 2003

Actually I disagree about Rabin. He's more like the desperate lisping nerd looking for some way, any way, to gain someone's respect than like someone who actually likes or dislikes movies. Or put another way, he seems like he's more looking for a clever turn of wit to cleverly prove how clever he is than expressing an opinion. Whoever came up with the line "Bloated with gags that couldn't amuse a five-year-old huffing nitrous oxide." however, really does deserve an award, I think.

Either way, the posters are pretty damn funny, thanks for the link. :)
posted by kavasa at 3:33 AM on July 28, 2003

Matthew Baldwin of defective yeti has been doing this for quite some time.
posted by gen at 3:53 AM on July 28, 2003

Go Shadowkeeper!
posted by i_cola at 5:37 AM on July 28, 2003

If I were a critic, I'd consider making it onto this web site ample reward for having to sit through the hideous show in the first place.
posted by orange swan at 6:25 AM on July 28, 2003

Nathan Rabin from the Onion really needs to win some sort of award for best descriptions of bad movies.

Melanie McFarland's got an ear for a zinger too.
posted by gottabefunky at 6:41 AM on July 28, 2003

O lordy, some of the 2002 winners are great:

"You will need to lover your expectations. A lot. No, more than that."
Edward Johnson-Ott of Nuvo Newsweekly on MEN IN BLACK II

"Better than SHANGHAI SURPRISE! It just sits there like a side-dish no one ordered."
Paul Clinton of CNN on SWEPT AWAY

posted by gottabefunky at 6:51 AM on July 28, 2003

Thanks, Shoeburyness. I found one of our local critics on there, who's relentlessly brutal and never gets blurbed in real ads. Vindication at last!
posted by soyjoy at 7:24 AM on July 28, 2003

Heh. yeah, I've always been a big fan of the negative movie review, dating back to the 80's when the Seattle Weekly had a critic who could savage a film like nobody's business. (I wish i could remember her name, Mary somrthing). I distinctly remember one of her lines in regards to the movie Wild Orchid reading "The performaces of Rourke and Bisset are so wooden that by the time the final rub their naked bodies together it produces more splinters than sparks." I mean, that's a thing of beauty, right there.

My Bad Review Revue archive is here.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 8:04 AM on July 28, 2003

Oh, and I should mention that I started the Bad Review Revue after my love of negative reviews was rekindled by this:
THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS FILM. NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER. AT ALL ALL ALL!!! Ugly as sin, badly lit, poorly acted, logically untenable, and possibly not even written, Behind Enemy Lines is a total fucking travesty in which even the makeup is incompetently applied." (Sean Nelson, THE STRANGER)
"Possibly not even written." Wonderful, wonderful.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 8:08 AM on July 28, 2003

Does their inclusion of "Vulgar" count? I seem to remember it having several ties to the View Askew crowd.
posted by kevspace at 8:10 AM on July 28, 2003

It's a play, but there's a two-word review out there.

No, not "Shit sandwich." The play is I Am A Camera, and the review is "No Leica."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:31 AM on July 28, 2003

"Bill and Neo's excellent adventure"

I'm going to have to bookmark that site, that's just classic.
posted by Veritron at 1:24 PM on July 28, 2003

Hilarious, very good idea!
posted by 111 at 1:32 PM on July 28, 2003

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