YAD KCOL SPAC
October 21, 2005 9:50 PM Subscribe
OCTOBER 22 IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!!!
EVERY YEAR WE GET TOGETHER AND MAKE SALMON FOR TOAST, EVERY YEAR WE GET A CROCKETY BLOAT, EVERY YEAR WE GET DRUNK ON THE DOCKS, AND EVERY YEAR WE HAVE SEX WITH OUR CAPS LOCKS!!!!
EVERY YEAR WE GET TOGETHER AND MAKE SALMON FOR TOAST, EVERY YEAR WE GET A CROCKETY BLOAT, EVERY YEAR WE GET DRUNK ON THE DOCKS, AND EVERY YEAR WE HAVE SEX WITH OUR CAPS LOCKS!!!!
SECOND POST!!! DAMN THE TORPEDOS!! SALMON FOR ALL AND FOR ALL A GOOD SALMON!!!!
posted by chandy72 at 9:52 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by chandy72 at 9:52 PM on October 21, 2005
ER, ON PREVIEW, NOT SECOND. BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT IS THERE?!?!?!?!?
posted by chandy72 at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by chandy72 at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005
LUCREZIA BORGIA? HERE? NOW?
posted by gramschmidt at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005
ZOMG FUCT YEAH. HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY 2 ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND TO MY MAIN MAN FSM WHOS NOODLY APPENDAGE WATCHES OVER ME EVERY DAY.
FUCT YEAH WHHHHHOOOOOO HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ROR SON ROR
@(#^^@@^%(@^%^#%#(%@#(%#@%#(%@%(%@#%#@%@%@#%#@%#@%#@(%#(%@(%@%%@%
posted by Dreamghost at 9:54 PM on October 21, 2005
FUCT YEAH WHHHHHOOOOOO HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ROR SON ROR
@(#^^@@^%(@^%^#%#(%@#(%#@%#(%@%(%@#%#@%@%@#%#@%#@%#@(%#(%@(%@%%@%
posted by Dreamghost at 9:54 PM on October 21, 2005
FIRST POST!!!!!!~~~
posted by Dreamghost at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005
RADIOHEAD IS OVERRATED. THERE. I YELLED IT.
posted by gramschmidt at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005
FIRST DREAMGHOST
posted by gramschmidt at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!
posted by loquacious at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
CAPS LOCK 2.0! COME JOIN THE CAPSLOCKOSPHERE IN WILD AND UNRESTRAINED SOCIAL UPPERCASEONOMY.
posted by brownpau at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brownpau at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005
CAPS LOCK HACK: HIT YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY TO TYPE IN UPPERCASE *ALL THE TIME*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Krrrlson at 9:57 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Krrrlson at 9:57 PM on October 21, 2005
I MUST APOLOGIZE LOUDLY AND SOFTLY SIMULTANEOUSLY. I TYPED THE IMG SRC IN LOWER CASE. BROCCOLI EITHER CURES OR CAUSES CANCER.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:00 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:00 PM on October 21, 2005
ON THIS HAPPY DAY, THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD REJOICE IN THE TECHNOLOGICAL TRIUMPH THAT IS THE CAPS LOCK KEY
posted by azazello at 10:01 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by azazello at 10:01 PM on October 21, 2005
NEWS FLASH: THIS IS A PICTURE OF STEVE_AT_LINNWOOD
posted by gramschmidt at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005
YES THIS TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR MISSING TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY
posted by kosher_jenny at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by kosher_jenny at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005
Maybe instead of having one day on which we all abuse the caps lock key, we can spread Caps Lock Day out over the entire year by, like, capitalizing sentences and proper names. Then every day can be Cap Locks Day.
Like how I don't just wait for the Christmas holidays to ask older, bearded men for presents.
posted by chasing at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005
Like how I don't just wait for the Christmas holidays to ask older, bearded men for presents.
posted by chasing at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005
I, too, would like to celebrate this joyous day with all of you, but alas, I am unworthy heathen scum for I have remapped my caps lock key into oblivion.
There, I said it! I reject you caps lock, you and your dark cult. Shift forever!
SUCK IT, HATERS!
posted by Stunt at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005
There, I said it! I reject you caps lock, you and your dark cult. Shift forever!
SUCK IT, HATERS!
posted by Stunt at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005
"CULT THREADS ARE KILLING METAFILTER." -- STAVROSTHEMETAFILTERUSER
posted by gramschmidt at 10:05 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:05 PM on October 21, 2005
SODOMY RUM SODOMY LASH BUGGER ARSE FECK ELBOWS
posted by loquacious at 10:06 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:06 PM on October 21, 2005
GIN MAKES A MAN MEAN
posted by loquacious at 10:07 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:07 PM on October 21, 2005
LOQUACIOUS DONE PLAYEDED HARMONICA IN THE PUB WHERE I DONE BEEN BORN
posted by gramschmidt at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005
SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, B1FF IS SMILING!!11!11
SHINE ON, B1FF, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!!1!1!!ONE
posted by keswick at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005
SHINE ON, B1FF, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!!1!1!!ONE
posted by keswick at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005
HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY MFERS!
HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY MFERS!
IMPEACH BUSH! (why not)
posted by wakko at 10:11 PM on October 21, 2005
HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY MFERS!
IMPEACH BUSH! (why not)
posted by wakko at 10:11 PM on October 21, 2005
COMUNISTICHIPPIEPERVERTEDIMPOTENTNOSEPICKINGBEARDEDGRANDMOTHERMAILMAN!
posted by Balisong at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Balisong at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005
sO WhEn Is XanGA FuCkED uP CaPs DaY?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005
IS MY CAPS LOCK ON OR OFF OH IT'S ON BABY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:14 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:14 PM on October 21, 2005
*SNIFF*
OK GUYZ SORY TO BRING THE TONE DOWN A LITLE BUT I HAV TO TELL YOU SUM BAD SHIT WENT DOWN HER TODAY MY GOLDFISH DYED SHE WAS GOLD AND SHE WAS MOLLY AND SHE DINT LIV LONG UNDER TEH RADIATOR LIKE WARREN SAID SHE WOULD FUK YOU WARREN
AND THEN MY MOM OVERDOSED ON HORSE TODAY, TOO
posted by gramschmidt at 10:15 PM on October 21, 2005
OK GUYZ SORY TO BRING THE TONE DOWN A LITLE BUT I HAV TO TELL YOU SUM BAD SHIT WENT DOWN HER TODAY MY GOLDFISH DYED SHE WAS GOLD AND SHE WAS MOLLY AND SHE DINT LIV LONG UNDER TEH RADIATOR LIKE WARREN SAID SHE WOULD FUK YOU WARREN
AND THEN MY MOM OVERDOSED ON HORSE TODAY, TOO
posted by gramschmidt at 10:15 PM on October 21, 2005
FECK ARSE HORSE
posted by loquacious at 10:16 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:16 PM on October 21, 2005
YAY! ANOTHER CRAPS LORK DAY!
posted by eyeballkid at 10:18 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by eyeballkid at 10:18 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by eyeballkid at 10:19 PM on October 21, 2005
WTF WARREN U SOB.
RIP MOLLY
SO YOUNG
SO TALENTED
SO BEAUTIFUL
=-(
posted by Dreamghost at 10:20 PM on October 21, 2005
RIP MOLLY
SO YOUNG
SO TALENTED
SO BEAUTIFUL
=-(
posted by Dreamghost at 10:20 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:21 PM on October 21, 2005
I THINK "HOME" IS STRANGE IT READS HOMY
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
SEE IT IS STRANGE
I AM SORRY FOR YOUR GODFISH DEATH PLEASE OBTAIN A NEW FISH
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:23 PM on October 21, 2005
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
SEE IT IS STRANGE
I AM SORRY FOR YOUR GODFISH DEATH PLEASE OBTAIN A NEW FISH
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:23 PM on October 21, 2005
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY TOGETHER AT LAST
posted by moift at 10:24 PM on October 21, 2005
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY TOGETHER AT LAST
posted by moift at 10:24 PM on October 21, 2005
HI I'M RADICALLY NAKED AND WOULD LIKE TO PICTURE YOUR ELVES AS WELL PLZ RESPOND W/ PICS AND SAMPLES
posted by loquacious at 10:25 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:25 PM on October 21, 2005
MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN. I'M JUST USING MY SHIFT KEY>
posted by brundlefly at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
MORE LIKE...
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
MORE LIKE...
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005
HI EVERYBODY
YEAH, IT'S ME, MARK, FROM MARKETING USING THE "COMPUTER" AGAIN HA HA HA
ANYWAY, I FIGURED YOU'D ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE "BIG" INFO FAIR WE'RE HAVING NEXT WEEK. I THINK WE'LL HAVE SOME GREAT STUFF FOR EVERYBODY, NO MATTER WHICH DEPARTMENT YOU WORK IN. WE'LL HAVE SEMINARS AND A COUPLE OF TALKS AND THEN PHIL IS GOING TO GO OVER NEXT YEAR'S CAMPAIGN IDEAS. WE'RE ALSO HAVING "PIZZA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD BE GOOD. HOPE TO SEE YOU "ALL" THERE!!!
--MARK OVERBAUGH
--TODD LOKKEN
posted by gramschmidt at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005
YEAH, IT'S ME, MARK, FROM MARKETING USING THE "COMPUTER" AGAIN HA HA HA
ANYWAY, I FIGURED YOU'D ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE "BIG" INFO FAIR WE'RE HAVING NEXT WEEK. I THINK WE'LL HAVE SOME GREAT STUFF FOR EVERYBODY, NO MATTER WHICH DEPARTMENT YOU WORK IN. WE'LL HAVE SEMINARS AND A COUPLE OF TALKS AND THEN PHIL IS GOING TO GO OVER NEXT YEAR'S CAMPAIGN IDEAS. WE'RE ALSO HAVING "PIZZA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULD BE GOOD. HOPE TO SEE YOU "ALL" THERE!!!
--MARK OVERBAUGH
--TODD LOKKEN
posted by gramschmidt at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005
THAT'S CAUSE I'M A SHIFTY CHARACTER.
posted by brundlefly at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005
IF TODD LOKKEN IZ A ROCKIN DONT COME A KNOCKING!!
posted by Dreamghost at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
WHAT WHAT
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
ITS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY!!!! THANK YOU INTERNETS FOR HAVING EVERY1 RE-JOICE AND SPELL BAD AND CAPSLOCKS THEIR ASSES OFF!!!!!111
OH AND POST PICTS ON M3TA4ILTER MY FAVORITE!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRR
ps bush sucks and i hope he gets lice
posted by tsarfan at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
OH AND POST PICTS ON M3TA4ILTER MY FAVORITE!!!
ARRRRRRRRRRRRR
ps bush sucks and i hope he gets lice
posted by tsarfan at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005
I M
posted by brundlefly at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
DON'T GO FOR DRUG RELATED HUMOR HAVE SOME STANDARDS IT IS TOO EASY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
ZOMG JON STEWERT JUST SAID THE WORD "CAPS LOCK" HE MUST READ SOMETHING AWFUL
*@*&@&*))^@)^#^))^#
>=)
posted by Dreamghost at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
*@*&@&*))^@)^#^))^#
>=)
posted by Dreamghost at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005
GRAMSCHMIDT: WILL THERE ALSO BE FRESH "SQUEEZED" ORANGE JUICE?
posted by brundlefly at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
GNAW WANG
posted by loquacious at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
TESTICVLOS HABET, ET BENE PENDENTES
posted by pyramid termite at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005
NO "BRUNDLEFLY" BERTHA ONL"Y" SER"V"ES GRAPEFRUIT ON THURSDAYS ""SORRY""
posted by gramschmidt at 10:34 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:34 PM on October 21, 2005
CHEW IT, DAMMIT MOO!
posted by loquacious at 10:35 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:35 PM on October 21, 2005
I WISH IT WAS FUNFETTI
----- CALL ME FOR HAWT TIME (586) 555-1212
posted by Dreamghost at 10:36 PM on October 21, 2005
----- CALL ME FOR HAWT TIME (586) 555-1212
posted by Dreamghost at 10:36 PM on October 21, 2005
DARN "IT".
posted by brundlefly at 10:38 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:38 PM on October 21, 2005
WTF, PTERRY GERENIC, POGO HAS RABIES?????
posted by pyramid termite at 10:39 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 10:39 PM on October 21, 2005
I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE DOES?
posted by gramschmidt at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005
LEAPINGSHEEP DOES THIS THREAD MEAN WE CAN LONGER BE FRIENDS?????
¿
posted by Dreamghost at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005
¿
posted by Dreamghost at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005
DREAMGHOST STOP POSTING IMAGES MY BANDWIDTH IS ALREADY CHOKING ON THESE HUGE LETTERS
posted by moift at 10:43 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by moift at 10:43 PM on October 21, 2005
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YOU CANT SPELL SLAUGHTER WITH OUT LAUGHTER?
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005
100 POST@*^@^*@*)^@)^*@
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005
100TH POST OW
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005
NO CUTS COCONUTS
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005
LET US TAKE A MOMENT TO HONOR THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBORS OF THE CAPS LOCK, THOSE VENERABLE KEYBOARD MEMBERS MORE POPULARLY KNOW AS "TAB", "SHIFT", "A", AND "WIPE C DRIVE OF EVERY BOX ON THE ROUTER".
WE SALUTE YOU, FRIENDS.
*TOASTS LOUDLY*
posted by gramschmidt at 10:49 PM on October 21, 2005
WE SALUTE YOU, FRIENDS.
*TOASTS LOUDLY*
posted by gramschmidt at 10:49 PM on October 21, 2005
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I FEEEEEEEELLLLL GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD
MARRY ME HEISHEHUI
posted by Dreamghost at 10:50 PM on October 21, 2005
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
posted by moonbird at 10:51 PM on October 21, 2005
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
posted by moonbird at 10:51 PM on October 21, 2005
WOOF
posted by loquacious at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005
MOONBIRD YOUR HOTLINKING DIDN'T WORK SADLY
TRIPOD HATES DOMOKUN SO IT WOULD SEEM
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005
TRIPOD HATES DOMOKUN SO IT WOULD SEEM
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005
VANDAMN'S WIFE-BEATER MAKES ME FEEL ALL FUXXY INSIDE. YES.
posted by brundlefly at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005
HAY YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE "CASPER!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHA HE'S A GHOST
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005
HAHA HE'S A GHOST
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005
EVERYTHING IS OVERRATED UNLESS THEY'RE UNDERRATED UNLESS YOU DON'T CARE EITHER WAY
posted by philida at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by philida at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005
WHERE DO WOMEN LEARN TO USE ALL CAPS?
OKAY, GENERALIZATION TIME. IN BLOGS, WOMEN ARE LOOSER WITH THE RULES OF CAPITALIZATION THAN MEN. THIS IS NOT LAZINESS OR POOR WRITING (AT LEAST, NOT IN THE WRITERS I’M ABOUT TO CITE), IT’S TECHNIQUE USED FOR EMPHASIS. CHECK OUT DOOCE OR FINSLIPPY OR HALLEY AND YOU’LL SEE WHAT I MEAN. HERE’S A BIT FROM DOOCE:
MY MOTHER TOOK LETA FOR EIGHT HOURS YESTERDAY WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO DO SO BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER CARES WHETHER OR NOT I LIVE OR DIE. THIS DOESN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL. I MEAN, FREE BABYSITTING. AND, FINALLY, I HAVE LEVERAGE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.
THIS IS LESS RELIABLE, BUT I’VE ALSO OBSERVED THAT SOME MORE FEMALE BLOGGERS ESCHEW PROPER CAPITALIZATION (AND PUNCTUATION) ALTOGETHER.
I’M NOT CRITICIZING THIS TECHNIQUE WHEN IT’S USED ON A PERSONAL BLOG. BLOGGING CAN AS FREE FORM OR STRUCTURED AS YOU LIKE. I’VE JUST NOTICED A REAL DISCREPANCY BETWEEN THE GENDERS IN THIS BREAKING OF THE RULES. I’M SURE EVERYBODY CAN CITE LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF MEN DOING SO, AND PLENTY OF WOMEN WHO DON’T, BUT I DEFINITELY THINK THERE’S A TREND. THE SAME WAS TRUE, I THINK, IN MY CREATIVE WRITING CLASSES AT UNIVERSITY.
ARE WOMEN ARE SEEKING BROADER MODES OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE THEY ARE, ON AVERAGE, MORE EMOTIONAL WRITERS THAN MEN?
CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE
posted by moift at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005
OKAY, GENERALIZATION TIME. IN BLOGS, WOMEN ARE LOOSER WITH THE RULES OF CAPITALIZATION THAN MEN. THIS IS NOT LAZINESS OR POOR WRITING (AT LEAST, NOT IN THE WRITERS I’M ABOUT TO CITE), IT’S TECHNIQUE USED FOR EMPHASIS. CHECK OUT DOOCE OR FINSLIPPY OR HALLEY AND YOU’LL SEE WHAT I MEAN. HERE’S A BIT FROM DOOCE:
MY MOTHER TOOK LETA FOR EIGHT HOURS YESTERDAY WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO DO SO BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER CARES WHETHER OR NOT I LIVE OR DIE. THIS DOESN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL. I MEAN, FREE BABYSITTING. AND, FINALLY, I HAVE LEVERAGE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.
THIS IS LESS RELIABLE, BUT I’VE ALSO OBSERVED THAT SOME MORE FEMALE BLOGGERS ESCHEW PROPER CAPITALIZATION (AND PUNCTUATION) ALTOGETHER.
I’M NOT CRITICIZING THIS TECHNIQUE WHEN IT’S USED ON A PERSONAL BLOG. BLOGGING CAN AS FREE FORM OR STRUCTURED AS YOU LIKE. I’VE JUST NOTICED A REAL DISCREPANCY BETWEEN THE GENDERS IN THIS BREAKING OF THE RULES. I’M SURE EVERYBODY CAN CITE LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF MEN DOING SO, AND PLENTY OF WOMEN WHO DON’T, BUT I DEFINITELY THINK THERE’S A TREND. THE SAME WAS TRUE, I THINK, IN MY CREATIVE WRITING CLASSES AT UNIVERSITY.
ARE WOMEN ARE SEEKING BROADER MODES OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE THEY ARE, ON AVERAGE, MORE EMOTIONAL WRITERS THAN MEN?
CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE
posted by moift at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005
STICKERBEAST: OR IS HE? MAYBE HE'S alive THE ENTIRE TIME!
OR DID I JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?
posted by brundlefly at 10:56 PM on October 21, 2005
OR DID I JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?
posted by brundlefly at 10:56 PM on October 21, 2005
BRUNDLEFLY'S MOM? HERE? NOW? WHERE?
posted by gramschmidt at 10:58 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 10:58 PM on October 21, 2005
SHE WAS EATEN BY BARRY LEVINSON. SORRY.
posted by brundlefly at 11:01 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 11:01 PM on October 21, 2005
ACK PPTH
posted by loquacious at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005
BRUNDLEFLY I HOPING YOU DIDN'T GIVING AWAY THE CASPER-ENDING!!!!!!!!!! OH NOE!!!!!
ALSO I AM QUITE FRIGHTENED EVEN OF LIVING THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE GHOSTS, SUCH AS PALE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH LOOSE, CLOTHLIKE SKIN, AND GHOULS.
OH TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!! I HIDE MY EYES NOW
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005
ALSO I AM QUITE FRIGHTENED EVEN OF LIVING THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE GHOSTS, SUCH AS PALE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH LOOSE, CLOTHLIKE SKIN, AND GHOULS.
OH TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!! I HIDE MY EYES NOW
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005
OFF-TOPIC: IS CONTEXT ON TOPIC? OFF TOPIC ON TOPIC TOPIC? IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE OFF TOPIC WHEN THE TOPIC IS NULL?
posted by gramschmidt at 11:03 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:03 PM on October 21, 2005
xmodmap -e "clear lock"
xmodmap -e "keycode 66 = Return"
posted by oonh at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005
xmodmap -e "keycode 66 = Return"
posted by oonh at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005
CAN WE COME TO CONSESUS? NO?
posted by Dreamghost at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:07 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 11:07 PM on October 21, 2005
INHALE.
TAKE IN AS MUCH AIR AS YOU CAN.
THIS STORY SHOULD LAST ABOUT AS LONG AS YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH, AND THEN JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER. SO LISTEN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
A FRIEND OF MINE, WHEN HE WAS 13 YEARS OLD HE HEARD ABOUT "PEGGING." THIS IS WHEN A GUY GETS BANGED UP THE BUTT WITH A DILDO. STIMULATE THE PROSTATE GLAND HARD ENOUGH, AND THE RUMOR IS YOU CAN HAVE EXPLOSIVE HANDS-FREE ORGASMS. AT THAT AGE, THIS FRIEND'S A LITTLE SEX MANIAC. HE'S ALWAYS JONESING FOR A BETTER WAY TO GET HIS ROCKS OFF. HE GOES OUT TO BUY A CARROT AND SOME PETROLEUM JELLY. TO CONDUCT A LITTLE PRIVATE RESEARCH. THEN HE PICTURES HOW IT'S GOING TO LOOK AT THE SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT COUNTER, THE LONELY CARROT AND PETROLEUM JELLY ROLLING DOWN THE CONVEYER BELT TOWARD THE GROCERY STORE CASHIER. ALL THE SHOPPERS WAITING IN LINE, WATCHING. EVERYONE SEEING THE BIG EVENING HE HAS PLANNED.
SO MY FRIEND, HE BUYS MILK AND EGGS AND SUGAR AND A CARROT, ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR A CARROT CAKE. AND VASELINE.
LIKE HE'S GOING HOME TO STICK A CARROT CAKE UP HIS BUTT.
AT HOME, HE WHITTLES THE CARROT INTO A BLUNT TOOL. HE SLATHERS IT WITH GREASE AND GRINDS HIS ASS DOWN ON IT. THEN, NOTHING. NO ORGASM. NOTHING HAPPENS EXCEPT IT HURTS.
THEN, THIS KID, HIS MOM YELLS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW.
HE WORKS THE CARROT OUT AND STASHES THE SLIPPERY, FILTHY THING IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES UNDER HIS BED.
AFTER DINNER, HE GOES TO FIND THE CARROT, AND IT'S GONE. ALL HIS DIRTY CLOTHES, WHILE HE ATE DINNER, HIS MOM GRABBED THEM ALL TO DO LAUNDRY. NO WAY COULD SHE NOT FIND THE CARROT, CAREFULLY SHAPED WITH A PARING KNIFE FROM HER KITCHEN, STILL SHINY WITH LUBE AND STINKY.
THIS FRIEND OF MINE, HE WAITS MONTHS UNDER A BLACK CLOUD, WAITING FOR HIS FOLKS TO CONFRONT HIM. AND THEY NEV¬ER DO. EVER. EVEN NOW THAT HE'S GROWN UP, THAT INVISIBLE CARROT HANGS OVER EVERY CHRISTMAS DINNER, EVERY BIRTHDAY PARTY. EVERY EASTER EGG HUNT WITH HIS KIDS, HIS PARENTS' GRANDKIDS, THAT GHOST CARROT IS HOVERING OVER ALL OF THEM. THAT SOMETHING TOO AWFUL TO NAME.
PEOPLE IN FRANCE HAVE A PHRASE: "STAIRCASE WIT." IN FRENCH: ESPRIT DE L'ESCALIER. IT MEANS THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU FIND THE ANSWER, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. SAY YOU'RE AT A PAR¬TY AND SOMEONE INSULTS YOU. YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. SO UNDER PRESSURE, WITH EVERYBODY WATCHING, YOU SAY SOMETHING LAME. BUT THE MOMENT YOU LEAVE THE PARTY....
AS YOU START DOWN THE STAIRWAY, THEN-MAGIC. YOU COME UP WITH THE PERFECT THING YOU SHOULD'VE SAID. THE PERFECT CRIPPLING PUT-DOWN.
THAT’S THE SPIRIT OF THE STAIRWAY.
THE TROUBLE IS, EVEN THE FRENCH DON'T HAVE A PHRASE FOR THE STUPID THINGS YOU ACTUALLY DO SAY UNDER PRESSURE. THOSE STUPID, DESPERATE THINGS YOU ACTUALLY THINK OR DO.
SOME DEEDS ARE TOO LOW TO EVEN GET A NAME. TOO LOW TO EVEN GET TALKED ABOUT.
LOOKING BACK, KID-PSYCH EXPERTS, SCHOOL COUNSELORS NOW SAY THAT MOST OF THE LAST PEAK IN TEEN SUICIDE WAS KIDS TRYING TO CHOKE WHILE THEY BEAT OFF. THEIR FOLKS WOULD FIND THEM, A TOWEL TWISTED AROUND THEIR KID'S NECK, THE TOWEL TIED TO THE ROD IN THEIR BEDROOM CLOSET, THE KID DEAD. DEAD SPERM EVERY¬WHERE. OF COURSE THE FOLKS CLEANED UP. THEY PUT SOME PANTS ON THEIR KID. THEY MADE IT LOOK ... BETTER. INTENTIONAL AT LEAST. THE REGULAR KIND OF SAD TEEN SUICIDE.
ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE, A KID FROM SCHOOL, HIS OLDER BROTHER IN THE NAVY SAID HOW GUYS IN THE MIDDLE EAST JACK OFF DIFFERENT THAN WE DO HERE. THIS BROTHER WAS STATIONED IN SOME CAMEL COUNTRY WHERE THE PUBLIC MARKET SELLS WHAT COULD BE FANCY LETTER OPENERS. EACH FANCY TOOL IS JUST A THIN ROD OF POL¬ISHED BRASS OR SILVER, MAYBE AS LONG AS YOUR HAND, WITH A BIG TIP AT ONE END, EI¬THER A BIG METAL BALL OR THE KIND OF FAN¬CY CARVED HANDLE YOU'D SEE ON A SWORD. THIS NAVY BROTHER SAYS HOW ARAB GUYS GET THEIR DICK HARD AND THEN INSERT THIS METAL ROD INSIDE THE WHOLE LENGTH OF THEIR BONER. THEY JACK OFF WITH THE ROD INSIDE, AND IT MAKES GETTING OFF SO MUCH BETTER. MORE INTENSE.
IT'S THIS BIG BROTHER WHO TRAVELS AROUND THE WORLD, SENDING BACK FRENCH PHRASES. RUSSIAN PHRASES. HELPFUL JACK-OFF TIPS.
AFTER THIS, THE LITTLE BROTHER, ONE DAY HE DOESN'T SHOW UP AT SCHOOL. THAT NIGHT, HE CALLS TO ASK IF I'LL PICK UP HIS HOMEWORK FOR THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS. BECAUSE HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S GOT TO SHARE A ROOM WITH OLD PEOPLE GETTING THEIR GUTS WORKED ON. HE SAYS HOW THEY ALL HAVE TO SHARE THE SAME TELEVISION. ALL HE'S GOT FOR PRIVACY IS A CURTAIN. HIS FOLKS DON'T COME AND VISIT. ON THE PHONE, HE SAYS HOW RIGHT NOW HIS FOLKS COULD JUST KILL HIS BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, THE KID SAYS HOW-THE DAY BEFORE-HE WAS JUST A LITTLE STONED. AT HOME IN HIS BEDROOM, HE WAS FLOPPED ON THE BED. HE WAS LIGHTING A CANDLE AND FLIPPING THROUGH SOME OLD PORNO MAGAZINES, GETTING READY TO BEAT OFF. THIS IS AFTER HE'S HEARD FROM HIS NAVY BROTHER. THAT HELPFUL HINT ABOUT HOW ARABS BEAT OFF. THE KID LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING THAT MIGHT DO THE JOB. A BALLPOINT PEN'S TOO BIG. A PENCIL'S TOO BIG AND ROUGH. BUT DRIPPED DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CANDLE, THERE'S A THIN, SMOOTH RIDGE OF WAX THAT JUST MIGHT WORK. WITH JUST THE TIP OF ONE FINGER, THIS KID SNAPS THE LONG RIDGE OF WAX OFF THE CANDLE. HE ROLLS IT SMOOTH BETWEEN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS. LONG AND SMOOTH AND THIN.
STONED AND HORNY, HE SLIPS IT DOWN INSIDE, DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE PISS SLIT OF HIS BONER. WITH A GOOD HANK OF THE WAX STILL POKING OUT THE TOP, HE GETS TO WORK.
EVEN NOW, HE SAYS THOSE ARAB GUYS ARE PRETTY DAMN SMART. THEY'VE TOTALLY REINVENTED JACKING OFF. FLAT ON HIS BACK IN BED, THINGS ARE GETTING SO GOOD, THIS KID CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF THE WAX. HE'S ONE GOOD SQUEEZE FROM SHOOTING HIS WAD WHEN THE WAX ISN'T STICKING OUT ANYMORE.
THE THIN WAX ROD, IT'S SLIPPED INSIDE. ALL THE WAY INSIDE. SO DEEP INSIDE HE CAN'T EVEN FEEL THE LUMP OF IT INSIDE HIS PISS TUBE.
FROM DOWNSTAIRS, HIS MOM SHOUTS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW. THIS WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT WE ALL LIVE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME LIFE.
IT'S AFTER DINNER WHEN THE KID'S GUTS START TO HURT. IT'S WAX, SO HE FIGURED IT WOULD JUST MELT INSIDE HIM AND HE'D PEE IT OUT. NOW HIS BACK HURTS. HIS KID¬NEYS. HE CAN'T STAND STRAIGHT.
THIS KID TALKING ON THE PHONE FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED, IN THE BACKGROUND YOU CAN HEAR BELLS DING, PEOPLE SCREAM¬ING. GAME SHOWS.
THE X-RAYS SHOW THE TRUTH, SOME¬THING LONG AND THIN, BENT DOUBLE INSIDE HIS BLADDER. THIS LONG, THIN V INSIDE HIM, IT'S COLLECTING ALL THE MINERALS IN HIS PISS. IT'S GETTING BIGGER AND ROUGHER, COATED WITH CRYSTALS OF CALCI¬UM, IT'S BUMPING AROUND, RIPPING UP THE SOFT LINING OF HIS BLADDER, BLOCKING HIS PISS FROM GETTING OUT. HIS KIDNEYS ARE BACKED UP. WHAT LITTLE THAT LEAKS OUT HIS DICK IS RED WITH BLOOD.
THIS KID AND HIS FOLKS, HIS WHOLE FAM¬ILY, THEM LOOKING AT THE BLACK X-RAY WITH THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSES STAND¬ING THERE, THE BIG V OF WAX GLOWING WHITE FOR EVERYBODY TO SEE, HE HAS TO TELL THE TRUTH. THE WAY ARABS GET OFF. WHAT HIS BIG BROTHER WROTE HIM FROM THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, RIGHT NOW, HE STARTS TO CRY.
THEY PAID FOR THE BLADDER OPERATION WITH HIS COLLEGE FUND. ONE STUPID MIS¬TAKE, AND NOW HE'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
STICKING STUFF INSIDE YOURSELF. STICK¬ING YOURSELF INSIDE STUFF. A CANDLE IN YOUR DICK OR YOUR HEAD IN A NOOSE, WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE, I CALLED IT PEARL DIVING. THIS MEANT WHACKING OFF UNDERWATER, SITTING ON THE BOTTOM AT THE DEEP END OF MY PARENTS' SWIMMING POOL. WITH ONE DEEP BREATH, I'D KICK MY WAY TO THE BOTTOM AND SLIP OFF MY SWIM TRUCKS. I'D SIT DOWN THERE FOR TWO, THREE, FOUR MINUTES.
JUST FROM JACKING OFT' I HAD HUGE LUNG CAPACITY. IF I HAD THE HOUSE TO MYSELF, I'D DO THIS ALL AFTERNOON. AFTER I'D FINALLY PUMP OUT MY STUFF, MY SPERM, IT WOULD HANG THERE IN BIG, FAT, MILKY GOBS.
AFTER THAT WAS MORE DIVING, TO CATCH IT ALL. TO COLLECT IT AND WIPE EACH HAND¬FUL IN A TOWEL. THAT'S WHY IT WAS CALLED PEARL DIVING. EVEN WITH CHLORINE, THERE WAS MY SISTER TO WORRY ABOUT. OR, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MY MOM.
THAT USED TO BE MY WORST FEAR IN THE WORLD: MY TEENAGE VIRGIN SISTER, THINK¬ING SHE'S JUST GETTING FAT, THEN GIVING BIRTH TO A TWO-HEADED, RETARD BABY. BOTH HEADS LOOKING JUST LIKE ME. ME, THE FATHER AND THE UNCLE.
IN THE END, IT'S NEVER WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT GETS YOU.
THE BEST PART OF PEARL DIVING WAS THE INLET PORT FOR THE SWIMMING POOL FILTER AND THE CIRCULATION PUMP. THE BEST PART WAS GETTING NAKED AND SIT¬TING ON IT.
AS THE FRENCH WOULD SAY, WHO DOESN'T LIKE GETTING THEIR BUTT SUCKED? STILL, ONE MINUTE YOU'RE JUST A KID GETTING OFF, AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
ONE MINUTE I'M SETTLING ON THE POOL BOTTOM AND THE SKY IS WAVY, LIGHT BLUE THROUGH EIGHT FEET OF WATER ABOVE MY HEAD. THE WORLD IS SILENT EXCEPT FOR THE HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS. MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS ARE LOOPED AROUND MY NECK FOR SAFE KEEPING, JUST IN CASE A FRIEND, A NEIGHBOR, ANYBODY SHOWS UP TO ASK WHY I SKIPPED FOOT¬BALL PRACTICE. THE STEADY SUCK OF THE POOL INLET HOLE IS LAPPING AT ME AND I'M GRINDING MY SKINNY WHITE ASS AROUND ON THAT FEELING.
ONE MINUTE I'VE GOT ENOUGH AIR AND MY DICK'S IN MY HAND. MY FOLKS ARE GONE AT THEIR WORK AND MY SISTER'S GOT BALLET. NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOME FOR HOURS.
MY HAND BRINGS ME RIGHT TO GETTING OFF, AND I STOP. I SWIM UP TO CATCH AN¬OTHER BIG BREATH. I DIVE DOWN AND SETTLE ON THE BOTTOM.
I DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN.
THIS MUST BE WHY GIRLS WANT TO SIT ON YOUR FACE. THE SUCTION IS LIKE TAKING A DUMP THAT NEVER ENDS. MY DICK HARD AND GETTING MY BUTT EATEN OUT, I DO NOT NEED AIR. MY HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS, I STAY UNDER UNTIL BRIGHT STARS OF LIGHT START WORMING AROUND IN MY EYES. MY LEGS STRAIGHT OUT, THE BACK OF EACH KNEE RUBBED RAW AGAINST THE CONCRETE BOT¬TOM. MY TOES ARE TURNING BLUE, MY TOES AND FINGERS WRINKLED FROM BEING SO LONG IN THE WATER.
AND THEN I LET IT HAPPEN. THE BIG WHITE GOBS START SPOUTING. THE PEARLS. IT'S THEN I NEED SOME AIR. BUT WHEN I GO TO KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM, I CAN'T. I CAN'T GET MY FEET UNDER ME. MY ASS IS STUCK.
EMERGENCY PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU THAT EVERY YEAR ABOUT 150 PEOPLE GET STUCK THIS WAY, SUCKED BY A CIRCULATION PUMP. GET YOUR LONG HAIR CAUGHT, OR YOUR ASS, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DROWN. EVERY YEAR, TONS OF PEOPLE DO. MOST OF THEM IN FLORIDA.
PEOPLE JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. NOT EVEN FRENCH PEOPLE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. GETTING ONE KNEE UP, GETTING ONE FOOT TUCKED UNDER ME, I GET TO HALF STANDING WHEN I FEEL THE TUG AGAINST MY BUTT. GET¬TING MY OTHER FOOT UNDER ME, I KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM. I'M KICKING FREE, NOT TOUCHING THE CONCRETE, BUT NOT GETTING TO THE AIR, EITHER.
STILL KICKING WATER, THRASHING WITH BOTH ARMS, I'M MAYBE HALFWAY TO THE SURFACE BUT NOT GOING HIGHER. THE HEARTBEAT IN¬SIDE MY HEAD GETTING LOUD AND FAST.
THE BRIGHT SPARKS OF LIGHT CROSSING AND CRISSCROSSING MY EYES, I TURN AND LOOK BACK ... BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. THIS THICK ROPE, SOME KIND OF SNAKE, BLUE¬WHITE AND BRAIDED WITH VEINS, HAS COME UP OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN AND IT'S HOLDING ON TO MY BUTT. SOME OF THE VEINS ARE LEAKING BLOOD, RED BLOOD THAT LOOKS BLACK UNDERWATER AND DRIFTS AWAY FROM LITTLE RIPS IN THE PALE SKIN OF THE SNAKE. THE BLOOD TRAILS AWAY, DISAPPEARING IN THE WATER, AND INSIDE THE SNAKE'S THIN, BLUE¬WHITE SKIN YOU CAN SEE LUMPS OF SOME HALF-DIGESTED MEAL.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS MAKES SENSE. SOME HORRIBLE SEA MONSTER, A SEA SERPENT, SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY, IT'S BEEN HIDING IN THE DARK BOTTOM OF THE POOL DRAIN, WAITING TO EAT ME.
SO ...I KICK AT IT, AT THE SLIPPERY, RUB¬BERY KNOTTED SKIN AND VEINS OF IT, AND MORE OF IT SEEMS TO PULL OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN. IT'S MAYBE AS LONG AS MY LEG NOW, BUT STILL HOLDING TIGHT AROUND MY BUTT¬HOLE. WITH ANOTHER KICK, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO GETTING ANOTHER BREATH. STILL FEELING THE SNAKE TUG AT MY ASS, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO MY ESCAPE.
KNOTTED INSIDE THE SNAKE, YOU CAN SEE CORN AND PEANUTS. YOU CAN SEE A LONG BRIGHT-ORANGE BALL. IT'S THE KIND OF HORSE¬PILL VITAMIN MY DAD MAKES ME TAKE, TO HELP PUT ON WEIGHT. TO GET A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. WITH EXTRA IRON AND OMEGA¬THREE FATTY ACIDS.
IT'S SEEING THAT VITAMIN PILL THAT SAVES MY LIFE.
IT'S NOT A SNAKE. IT'S MY LARGE INTESTINE, MY COLON PULLED OUT OF ME. WHAT DOCTORS CALL PROLAPSED. IT'S MY GUTS SUCKED INTO THE DRAIN.
PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU A SWIMMING POOL PUMP PULLS 80 GALLONS OF WATER EVERY MINUTE. THAT'S ABOUT 400 POUNDS OF PRESSURE. THE BIG PROBLEM IS WE'RE ALL CONNECTED TOGETHER INSIDE. YOUR ASS IS JUST THE FAR END OF YOUR MOUTH. IF I LET GO, THE PUMP KEEPS WORKING-UNRAVEL¬ING MY INSIDES-UNTIL IT'S GOT MY TONGUE. IMAGINE TAKING A 400-POUND SHIT AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS MIGHT TURN YOU INSIDE OUT.
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS YOUR GUTS DON'T FEEL MUCH PAIN. NOT THE WAY YOUR SKIN FEELS PAIN. THE STUFF YOU'RE DIGESTING, DOCTORS CALL IT FECAL MATTER. HIGHER UP IS CHYME, POCKETS OF A THIN, RUNNY MESS STUDDED WITH CORN AND PEANUTS AND ROUND GREEN PEAS.
THAT'S ALL THIS SOUP OF BLOOD AND CORN, SHIT AND SPERM AND PEANUTS FLOATING AROUND ME. EVEN WITH MY GUTS UNRAVEL¬ING OUT MY ASS, ME HOLDING ON TO WHAT'S LEFT, EVEN THEN MY FIRST WANT IS TO SOME¬HOW GET MY SWIMSUIT BACK ON.
GOD FORBID MY FOLKS SEE MY DICK.
MY ONE HAND HOLDING A FIST AROUND MY ASS, MY OTHER HAND SNAGS MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS AND PULLS THEM FROM AROUND MY NECK. STILL, GETTING INTO THEM IS IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU WANT TO FEEL YOUR INTESTINES, GO BUY A PACK OF THOSE LAMBSKIN CONDOMS. TAKE ONE OUT AND UNROLL IT. PACK IT WITH PEANUT BUTTER. SMEAR IT WITH PETROLEUM JELLY AND HOLD IT UNDER WATER. THEN TRY TO TEAR IT. TRY TO PULL IT IN HALF. IT'S TOO TOUGH AND RUBBERY. IT'S SO SLIMY YOU CAN'T HOLD ON.
A LAMBSKIN CONDOM, THAT'S JUST PLAIN OLD INTESTINE.
YOU CAN SEE WHAT I'M UP AGAINST.
YOU LET GO FOR A SECOND AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU SWIM FOR THE SURFACE, FOR A BREATH, AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU DON'T SWIM AND YOU DROWN.
IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN BEING DEAD RIGHT NOW OR A MINUTE FROM RIGHT NOW.
WHAT MY FOLKS WILL FIND AFTER WORK IS A BIG NAKED FETUS, CURLED IN ON ITSELF. FLOATING IN THE CLOUDY WATER OF THEIR BACKYARD POOL. TETHERED TO THE BOTTOM BY A THICK ROPE OF VEINS AND TWISTED GUTS. THE OPPOSITE OF A KID HANGING HIMSELF TO DEATH WHILE HE JACKS OFF. THIS IS THE BABY THEY BROUGHT HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL 13 YEARS AGO. HERE'S THE KID THEY HOPED WOULD SNAG A FOOTBALL SCHOL¬ARSHIP AND GET AN MBA. WHO'D CARE FOR THEM IN THEIR OLD AGE. HERE'S ALL THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS. FLOATING HERE, NAKED AND DEAD. ALL AROUND HIM, BIG MILKY PEARLS OF WASTED SPERM.
EITHER THAT OR MY FOLKS WILL FIND ME WRAPPED IN A BLOODY TOWEL, COLLAPSED HALFWAY FROM THE POOL TO THE KITCHEN TELE¬PHONE, THE RAGGED, TORN SCRAP OF MY GUTS STILL HANGING OUT THE LEG OF MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS.
WHAT EVEN THE FRENCH WON'T TALK ABOUT.
THAT BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY, HE TAUGHT US ONE OTHER GOOD PHRASE. A RUSSIAN PHRASE. THE WAY WE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN MY HEAD...," RUSSIAN PEOPLE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE......
MNE ETO NADO KAK ZUBY V ZADNITSE.
THOSE STORIES ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAUGHT IN A TRAP WILL CHEW OFF THEIR LEG, WELL, ANY COYOTE WOULD TELL YOU A COUPLE BITES BEATS THE HELL OUT OF BEING DEAD.
HELL ... EVEN IF YOU'RE RUSSIAN, SOMEDAY YOU JUST MIGHT WANT THOSE TEETH.
OTHERWISE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS¬YOU HAVE TO TWIST AROUND. YOU HOOK ONE ELBOW BEHIND YOUR KNEE AND PULL THAT LEG UP INTO YOUR FACE. YOU BITE AND SNAP AT YOUR OWN ASS. YOU RUN OUT OF AIR AND YOU WILL CHEW THROUGH ANYTHING TO GET THAT NEXT BREATH.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL A GIRL ON THE FIRST DATE. NOT IF YOU EXPECT A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
IF I TOLD YOU HOW IT TASTED, YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER AGAIN EAT CALAMARI.
IT'S HARD TO SAY WHAT MY PARENTS WERE MORE DISGUSTED BY: HOW I'D GOT IN TROU¬BLE OR HOW I'D SAVED MYSELF. AFTER THE HOSPITAL, MY MOM SAID, "YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, HONEY. YOU WERE IN SHOCK." AND SHE LEARNED HOW TO COOK POACHED EGGS.
ALL THOSE PEOPLE GROSSED OUT OR FEELING SORRY FOR ME....
I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE.
NOWADAYS, PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I LOOK TOO SKINNY. PEOPLE AT DINNER PARTIES GET ALL QUIET AND PISSED OFF WHEN I DON'T EAT THE POT ROAST THEY COOKED. POT ROAST KILLS ME. BAKED HAM. ANYTHING THAT HANGS AROUND INSIDE MY GUTS FOR LONGER THAN A COUPLE OF HOURS, IT COMES OUT STILL FOOD. HOME-COOKED LIMA BEANS OR CHUNK LIGHT TUNA FISH, I'LL STAND UP AND FIND IT STILL SITTING THERE IN THE TOILET.
AFTER YOU HAVE A RADICAL BOWEL RESEC¬TIONING, YOU DON'T DIGEST MEAT SO GREAT. MOST PEOPLE, YOU HAVE FIVE FEET OF LARGE INTESTINE. I'M LUCKY TO HAVE MY SIX INCH¬ES. SO I NEVER GOT A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. NEVER GOT AN MBA. BOTH MY FRIENDS, THE WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID, THEY GREW UP, GOT BIG, BUT I'VE NEVER WEIGHED A POUND MORE THAN I DID THAT DAY WHEN I WAS 13.
ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM WAS MY FOLKS PAID A LOT OF GOOD MONEY FOR THAT SWIM¬MING POOL. IN THE END MY DAD JUST TOLD THE POOL GUY IT WAS A DOG. THE FAMILY DOG FELL IN AND DROWNED. THE DEAD BODY GOT PULLED INTO THE PUMP. EVEN WHEN THE POOL GUY CRACKED OPEN THE FILTER CASING AND FISHED OUT A RUBBERY TUBE, A WATERY HANK OF INTESTINE WITH A BIG ORANGE VITA¬MIN PILL STILL INSIDE, EVEN THEN MY DAD JUST SAID, "THAT DOG WAS FUCKING NUTS."
EVEN FROM MY UPSTAIRS BEDROOM WINDOW, YOU COULD HEAR MY DAD SAY, "WE COULDN'T TRUST THAT DOG ALONE FOR A SECOND...."
THEN MY SISTER MISSED HER PERIOD.
EVEN AFTER THEY CHANGED THE POOL WATER, AFTER THEY SOLD THE HOUSE AND WE MOVED TO ANOTHER STATE, AFTER MY SISTER'S ABORTION, EVEN THEN MY FOLKS NEVER MEN¬TIONED IT AGAIN.
EVER.
THAT IS OUR INVISIBLE CARROT.
YOU. NOW YOU CAN TAKE A GOOD, DEEP BREATH.
I STILL HAVE NOT.
~CHUCK PALAHNIUK FOR CAPS LOCK DAY
posted by moift at 11:08 PM on October 21, 2005
TAKE IN AS MUCH AIR AS YOU CAN.
THIS STORY SHOULD LAST ABOUT AS LONG AS YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH, AND THEN JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER. SO LISTEN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
A FRIEND OF MINE, WHEN HE WAS 13 YEARS OLD HE HEARD ABOUT "PEGGING." THIS IS WHEN A GUY GETS BANGED UP THE BUTT WITH A DILDO. STIMULATE THE PROSTATE GLAND HARD ENOUGH, AND THE RUMOR IS YOU CAN HAVE EXPLOSIVE HANDS-FREE ORGASMS. AT THAT AGE, THIS FRIEND'S A LITTLE SEX MANIAC. HE'S ALWAYS JONESING FOR A BETTER WAY TO GET HIS ROCKS OFF. HE GOES OUT TO BUY A CARROT AND SOME PETROLEUM JELLY. TO CONDUCT A LITTLE PRIVATE RESEARCH. THEN HE PICTURES HOW IT'S GOING TO LOOK AT THE SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT COUNTER, THE LONELY CARROT AND PETROLEUM JELLY ROLLING DOWN THE CONVEYER BELT TOWARD THE GROCERY STORE CASHIER. ALL THE SHOPPERS WAITING IN LINE, WATCHING. EVERYONE SEEING THE BIG EVENING HE HAS PLANNED.
SO MY FRIEND, HE BUYS MILK AND EGGS AND SUGAR AND A CARROT, ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR A CARROT CAKE. AND VASELINE.
LIKE HE'S GOING HOME TO STICK A CARROT CAKE UP HIS BUTT.
AT HOME, HE WHITTLES THE CARROT INTO A BLUNT TOOL. HE SLATHERS IT WITH GREASE AND GRINDS HIS ASS DOWN ON IT. THEN, NOTHING. NO ORGASM. NOTHING HAPPENS EXCEPT IT HURTS.
THEN, THIS KID, HIS MOM YELLS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW.
HE WORKS THE CARROT OUT AND STASHES THE SLIPPERY, FILTHY THING IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES UNDER HIS BED.
AFTER DINNER, HE GOES TO FIND THE CARROT, AND IT'S GONE. ALL HIS DIRTY CLOTHES, WHILE HE ATE DINNER, HIS MOM GRABBED THEM ALL TO DO LAUNDRY. NO WAY COULD SHE NOT FIND THE CARROT, CAREFULLY SHAPED WITH A PARING KNIFE FROM HER KITCHEN, STILL SHINY WITH LUBE AND STINKY.
THIS FRIEND OF MINE, HE WAITS MONTHS UNDER A BLACK CLOUD, WAITING FOR HIS FOLKS TO CONFRONT HIM. AND THEY NEV¬ER DO. EVER. EVEN NOW THAT HE'S GROWN UP, THAT INVISIBLE CARROT HANGS OVER EVERY CHRISTMAS DINNER, EVERY BIRTHDAY PARTY. EVERY EASTER EGG HUNT WITH HIS KIDS, HIS PARENTS' GRANDKIDS, THAT GHOST CARROT IS HOVERING OVER ALL OF THEM. THAT SOMETHING TOO AWFUL TO NAME.
PEOPLE IN FRANCE HAVE A PHRASE: "STAIRCASE WIT." IN FRENCH: ESPRIT DE L'ESCALIER. IT MEANS THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU FIND THE ANSWER, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. SAY YOU'RE AT A PAR¬TY AND SOMEONE INSULTS YOU. YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. SO UNDER PRESSURE, WITH EVERYBODY WATCHING, YOU SAY SOMETHING LAME. BUT THE MOMENT YOU LEAVE THE PARTY....
AS YOU START DOWN THE STAIRWAY, THEN-MAGIC. YOU COME UP WITH THE PERFECT THING YOU SHOULD'VE SAID. THE PERFECT CRIPPLING PUT-DOWN.
THAT’S THE SPIRIT OF THE STAIRWAY.
THE TROUBLE IS, EVEN THE FRENCH DON'T HAVE A PHRASE FOR THE STUPID THINGS YOU ACTUALLY DO SAY UNDER PRESSURE. THOSE STUPID, DESPERATE THINGS YOU ACTUALLY THINK OR DO.
SOME DEEDS ARE TOO LOW TO EVEN GET A NAME. TOO LOW TO EVEN GET TALKED ABOUT.
LOOKING BACK, KID-PSYCH EXPERTS, SCHOOL COUNSELORS NOW SAY THAT MOST OF THE LAST PEAK IN TEEN SUICIDE WAS KIDS TRYING TO CHOKE WHILE THEY BEAT OFF. THEIR FOLKS WOULD FIND THEM, A TOWEL TWISTED AROUND THEIR KID'S NECK, THE TOWEL TIED TO THE ROD IN THEIR BEDROOM CLOSET, THE KID DEAD. DEAD SPERM EVERY¬WHERE. OF COURSE THE FOLKS CLEANED UP. THEY PUT SOME PANTS ON THEIR KID. THEY MADE IT LOOK ... BETTER. INTENTIONAL AT LEAST. THE REGULAR KIND OF SAD TEEN SUICIDE.
ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE, A KID FROM SCHOOL, HIS OLDER BROTHER IN THE NAVY SAID HOW GUYS IN THE MIDDLE EAST JACK OFF DIFFERENT THAN WE DO HERE. THIS BROTHER WAS STATIONED IN SOME CAMEL COUNTRY WHERE THE PUBLIC MARKET SELLS WHAT COULD BE FANCY LETTER OPENERS. EACH FANCY TOOL IS JUST A THIN ROD OF POL¬ISHED BRASS OR SILVER, MAYBE AS LONG AS YOUR HAND, WITH A BIG TIP AT ONE END, EI¬THER A BIG METAL BALL OR THE KIND OF FAN¬CY CARVED HANDLE YOU'D SEE ON A SWORD. THIS NAVY BROTHER SAYS HOW ARAB GUYS GET THEIR DICK HARD AND THEN INSERT THIS METAL ROD INSIDE THE WHOLE LENGTH OF THEIR BONER. THEY JACK OFF WITH THE ROD INSIDE, AND IT MAKES GETTING OFF SO MUCH BETTER. MORE INTENSE.
IT'S THIS BIG BROTHER WHO TRAVELS AROUND THE WORLD, SENDING BACK FRENCH PHRASES. RUSSIAN PHRASES. HELPFUL JACK-OFF TIPS.
AFTER THIS, THE LITTLE BROTHER, ONE DAY HE DOESN'T SHOW UP AT SCHOOL. THAT NIGHT, HE CALLS TO ASK IF I'LL PICK UP HIS HOMEWORK FOR THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS. BECAUSE HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S GOT TO SHARE A ROOM WITH OLD PEOPLE GETTING THEIR GUTS WORKED ON. HE SAYS HOW THEY ALL HAVE TO SHARE THE SAME TELEVISION. ALL HE'S GOT FOR PRIVACY IS A CURTAIN. HIS FOLKS DON'T COME AND VISIT. ON THE PHONE, HE SAYS HOW RIGHT NOW HIS FOLKS COULD JUST KILL HIS BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, THE KID SAYS HOW-THE DAY BEFORE-HE WAS JUST A LITTLE STONED. AT HOME IN HIS BEDROOM, HE WAS FLOPPED ON THE BED. HE WAS LIGHTING A CANDLE AND FLIPPING THROUGH SOME OLD PORNO MAGAZINES, GETTING READY TO BEAT OFF. THIS IS AFTER HE'S HEARD FROM HIS NAVY BROTHER. THAT HELPFUL HINT ABOUT HOW ARABS BEAT OFF. THE KID LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING THAT MIGHT DO THE JOB. A BALLPOINT PEN'S TOO BIG. A PENCIL'S TOO BIG AND ROUGH. BUT DRIPPED DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CANDLE, THERE'S A THIN, SMOOTH RIDGE OF WAX THAT JUST MIGHT WORK. WITH JUST THE TIP OF ONE FINGER, THIS KID SNAPS THE LONG RIDGE OF WAX OFF THE CANDLE. HE ROLLS IT SMOOTH BETWEEN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS. LONG AND SMOOTH AND THIN.
STONED AND HORNY, HE SLIPS IT DOWN INSIDE, DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE PISS SLIT OF HIS BONER. WITH A GOOD HANK OF THE WAX STILL POKING OUT THE TOP, HE GETS TO WORK.
EVEN NOW, HE SAYS THOSE ARAB GUYS ARE PRETTY DAMN SMART. THEY'VE TOTALLY REINVENTED JACKING OFF. FLAT ON HIS BACK IN BED, THINGS ARE GETTING SO GOOD, THIS KID CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF THE WAX. HE'S ONE GOOD SQUEEZE FROM SHOOTING HIS WAD WHEN THE WAX ISN'T STICKING OUT ANYMORE.
THE THIN WAX ROD, IT'S SLIPPED INSIDE. ALL THE WAY INSIDE. SO DEEP INSIDE HE CAN'T EVEN FEEL THE LUMP OF IT INSIDE HIS PISS TUBE.
FROM DOWNSTAIRS, HIS MOM SHOUTS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW. THIS WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT WE ALL LIVE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME LIFE.
IT'S AFTER DINNER WHEN THE KID'S GUTS START TO HURT. IT'S WAX, SO HE FIGURED IT WOULD JUST MELT INSIDE HIM AND HE'D PEE IT OUT. NOW HIS BACK HURTS. HIS KID¬NEYS. HE CAN'T STAND STRAIGHT.
THIS KID TALKING ON THE PHONE FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED, IN THE BACKGROUND YOU CAN HEAR BELLS DING, PEOPLE SCREAM¬ING. GAME SHOWS.
THE X-RAYS SHOW THE TRUTH, SOME¬THING LONG AND THIN, BENT DOUBLE INSIDE HIS BLADDER. THIS LONG, THIN V INSIDE HIM, IT'S COLLECTING ALL THE MINERALS IN HIS PISS. IT'S GETTING BIGGER AND ROUGHER, COATED WITH CRYSTALS OF CALCI¬UM, IT'S BUMPING AROUND, RIPPING UP THE SOFT LINING OF HIS BLADDER, BLOCKING HIS PISS FROM GETTING OUT. HIS KIDNEYS ARE BACKED UP. WHAT LITTLE THAT LEAKS OUT HIS DICK IS RED WITH BLOOD.
THIS KID AND HIS FOLKS, HIS WHOLE FAM¬ILY, THEM LOOKING AT THE BLACK X-RAY WITH THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSES STAND¬ING THERE, THE BIG V OF WAX GLOWING WHITE FOR EVERYBODY TO SEE, HE HAS TO TELL THE TRUTH. THE WAY ARABS GET OFF. WHAT HIS BIG BROTHER WROTE HIM FROM THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, RIGHT NOW, HE STARTS TO CRY.
THEY PAID FOR THE BLADDER OPERATION WITH HIS COLLEGE FUND. ONE STUPID MIS¬TAKE, AND NOW HE'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
STICKING STUFF INSIDE YOURSELF. STICK¬ING YOURSELF INSIDE STUFF. A CANDLE IN YOUR DICK OR YOUR HEAD IN A NOOSE, WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE, I CALLED IT PEARL DIVING. THIS MEANT WHACKING OFF UNDERWATER, SITTING ON THE BOTTOM AT THE DEEP END OF MY PARENTS' SWIMMING POOL. WITH ONE DEEP BREATH, I'D KICK MY WAY TO THE BOTTOM AND SLIP OFF MY SWIM TRUCKS. I'D SIT DOWN THERE FOR TWO, THREE, FOUR MINUTES.
JUST FROM JACKING OFT' I HAD HUGE LUNG CAPACITY. IF I HAD THE HOUSE TO MYSELF, I'D DO THIS ALL AFTERNOON. AFTER I'D FINALLY PUMP OUT MY STUFF, MY SPERM, IT WOULD HANG THERE IN BIG, FAT, MILKY GOBS.
AFTER THAT WAS MORE DIVING, TO CATCH IT ALL. TO COLLECT IT AND WIPE EACH HAND¬FUL IN A TOWEL. THAT'S WHY IT WAS CALLED PEARL DIVING. EVEN WITH CHLORINE, THERE WAS MY SISTER TO WORRY ABOUT. OR, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MY MOM.
THAT USED TO BE MY WORST FEAR IN THE WORLD: MY TEENAGE VIRGIN SISTER, THINK¬ING SHE'S JUST GETTING FAT, THEN GIVING BIRTH TO A TWO-HEADED, RETARD BABY. BOTH HEADS LOOKING JUST LIKE ME. ME, THE FATHER AND THE UNCLE.
IN THE END, IT'S NEVER WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT GETS YOU.
THE BEST PART OF PEARL DIVING WAS THE INLET PORT FOR THE SWIMMING POOL FILTER AND THE CIRCULATION PUMP. THE BEST PART WAS GETTING NAKED AND SIT¬TING ON IT.
AS THE FRENCH WOULD SAY, WHO DOESN'T LIKE GETTING THEIR BUTT SUCKED? STILL, ONE MINUTE YOU'RE JUST A KID GETTING OFF, AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
ONE MINUTE I'M SETTLING ON THE POOL BOTTOM AND THE SKY IS WAVY, LIGHT BLUE THROUGH EIGHT FEET OF WATER ABOVE MY HEAD. THE WORLD IS SILENT EXCEPT FOR THE HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS. MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS ARE LOOPED AROUND MY NECK FOR SAFE KEEPING, JUST IN CASE A FRIEND, A NEIGHBOR, ANYBODY SHOWS UP TO ASK WHY I SKIPPED FOOT¬BALL PRACTICE. THE STEADY SUCK OF THE POOL INLET HOLE IS LAPPING AT ME AND I'M GRINDING MY SKINNY WHITE ASS AROUND ON THAT FEELING.
ONE MINUTE I'VE GOT ENOUGH AIR AND MY DICK'S IN MY HAND. MY FOLKS ARE GONE AT THEIR WORK AND MY SISTER'S GOT BALLET. NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOME FOR HOURS.
MY HAND BRINGS ME RIGHT TO GETTING OFF, AND I STOP. I SWIM UP TO CATCH AN¬OTHER BIG BREATH. I DIVE DOWN AND SETTLE ON THE BOTTOM.
I DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN.
THIS MUST BE WHY GIRLS WANT TO SIT ON YOUR FACE. THE SUCTION IS LIKE TAKING A DUMP THAT NEVER ENDS. MY DICK HARD AND GETTING MY BUTT EATEN OUT, I DO NOT NEED AIR. MY HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS, I STAY UNDER UNTIL BRIGHT STARS OF LIGHT START WORMING AROUND IN MY EYES. MY LEGS STRAIGHT OUT, THE BACK OF EACH KNEE RUBBED RAW AGAINST THE CONCRETE BOT¬TOM. MY TOES ARE TURNING BLUE, MY TOES AND FINGERS WRINKLED FROM BEING SO LONG IN THE WATER.
AND THEN I LET IT HAPPEN. THE BIG WHITE GOBS START SPOUTING. THE PEARLS. IT'S THEN I NEED SOME AIR. BUT WHEN I GO TO KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM, I CAN'T. I CAN'T GET MY FEET UNDER ME. MY ASS IS STUCK.
EMERGENCY PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU THAT EVERY YEAR ABOUT 150 PEOPLE GET STUCK THIS WAY, SUCKED BY A CIRCULATION PUMP. GET YOUR LONG HAIR CAUGHT, OR YOUR ASS, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DROWN. EVERY YEAR, TONS OF PEOPLE DO. MOST OF THEM IN FLORIDA.
PEOPLE JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. NOT EVEN FRENCH PEOPLE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. GETTING ONE KNEE UP, GETTING ONE FOOT TUCKED UNDER ME, I GET TO HALF STANDING WHEN I FEEL THE TUG AGAINST MY BUTT. GET¬TING MY OTHER FOOT UNDER ME, I KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM. I'M KICKING FREE, NOT TOUCHING THE CONCRETE, BUT NOT GETTING TO THE AIR, EITHER.
STILL KICKING WATER, THRASHING WITH BOTH ARMS, I'M MAYBE HALFWAY TO THE SURFACE BUT NOT GOING HIGHER. THE HEARTBEAT IN¬SIDE MY HEAD GETTING LOUD AND FAST.
THE BRIGHT SPARKS OF LIGHT CROSSING AND CRISSCROSSING MY EYES, I TURN AND LOOK BACK ... BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. THIS THICK ROPE, SOME KIND OF SNAKE, BLUE¬WHITE AND BRAIDED WITH VEINS, HAS COME UP OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN AND IT'S HOLDING ON TO MY BUTT. SOME OF THE VEINS ARE LEAKING BLOOD, RED BLOOD THAT LOOKS BLACK UNDERWATER AND DRIFTS AWAY FROM LITTLE RIPS IN THE PALE SKIN OF THE SNAKE. THE BLOOD TRAILS AWAY, DISAPPEARING IN THE WATER, AND INSIDE THE SNAKE'S THIN, BLUE¬WHITE SKIN YOU CAN SEE LUMPS OF SOME HALF-DIGESTED MEAL.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS MAKES SENSE. SOME HORRIBLE SEA MONSTER, A SEA SERPENT, SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY, IT'S BEEN HIDING IN THE DARK BOTTOM OF THE POOL DRAIN, WAITING TO EAT ME.
SO ...I KICK AT IT, AT THE SLIPPERY, RUB¬BERY KNOTTED SKIN AND VEINS OF IT, AND MORE OF IT SEEMS TO PULL OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN. IT'S MAYBE AS LONG AS MY LEG NOW, BUT STILL HOLDING TIGHT AROUND MY BUTT¬HOLE. WITH ANOTHER KICK, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO GETTING ANOTHER BREATH. STILL FEELING THE SNAKE TUG AT MY ASS, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO MY ESCAPE.
KNOTTED INSIDE THE SNAKE, YOU CAN SEE CORN AND PEANUTS. YOU CAN SEE A LONG BRIGHT-ORANGE BALL. IT'S THE KIND OF HORSE¬PILL VITAMIN MY DAD MAKES ME TAKE, TO HELP PUT ON WEIGHT. TO GET A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. WITH EXTRA IRON AND OMEGA¬THREE FATTY ACIDS.
IT'S SEEING THAT VITAMIN PILL THAT SAVES MY LIFE.
IT'S NOT A SNAKE. IT'S MY LARGE INTESTINE, MY COLON PULLED OUT OF ME. WHAT DOCTORS CALL PROLAPSED. IT'S MY GUTS SUCKED INTO THE DRAIN.
PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU A SWIMMING POOL PUMP PULLS 80 GALLONS OF WATER EVERY MINUTE. THAT'S ABOUT 400 POUNDS OF PRESSURE. THE BIG PROBLEM IS WE'RE ALL CONNECTED TOGETHER INSIDE. YOUR ASS IS JUST THE FAR END OF YOUR MOUTH. IF I LET GO, THE PUMP KEEPS WORKING-UNRAVEL¬ING MY INSIDES-UNTIL IT'S GOT MY TONGUE. IMAGINE TAKING A 400-POUND SHIT AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS MIGHT TURN YOU INSIDE OUT.
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS YOUR GUTS DON'T FEEL MUCH PAIN. NOT THE WAY YOUR SKIN FEELS PAIN. THE STUFF YOU'RE DIGESTING, DOCTORS CALL IT FECAL MATTER. HIGHER UP IS CHYME, POCKETS OF A THIN, RUNNY MESS STUDDED WITH CORN AND PEANUTS AND ROUND GREEN PEAS.
THAT'S ALL THIS SOUP OF BLOOD AND CORN, SHIT AND SPERM AND PEANUTS FLOATING AROUND ME. EVEN WITH MY GUTS UNRAVEL¬ING OUT MY ASS, ME HOLDING ON TO WHAT'S LEFT, EVEN THEN MY FIRST WANT IS TO SOME¬HOW GET MY SWIMSUIT BACK ON.
GOD FORBID MY FOLKS SEE MY DICK.
MY ONE HAND HOLDING A FIST AROUND MY ASS, MY OTHER HAND SNAGS MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS AND PULLS THEM FROM AROUND MY NECK. STILL, GETTING INTO THEM IS IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU WANT TO FEEL YOUR INTESTINES, GO BUY A PACK OF THOSE LAMBSKIN CONDOMS. TAKE ONE OUT AND UNROLL IT. PACK IT WITH PEANUT BUTTER. SMEAR IT WITH PETROLEUM JELLY AND HOLD IT UNDER WATER. THEN TRY TO TEAR IT. TRY TO PULL IT IN HALF. IT'S TOO TOUGH AND RUBBERY. IT'S SO SLIMY YOU CAN'T HOLD ON.
A LAMBSKIN CONDOM, THAT'S JUST PLAIN OLD INTESTINE.
YOU CAN SEE WHAT I'M UP AGAINST.
YOU LET GO FOR A SECOND AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU SWIM FOR THE SURFACE, FOR A BREATH, AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU DON'T SWIM AND YOU DROWN.
IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN BEING DEAD RIGHT NOW OR A MINUTE FROM RIGHT NOW.
WHAT MY FOLKS WILL FIND AFTER WORK IS A BIG NAKED FETUS, CURLED IN ON ITSELF. FLOATING IN THE CLOUDY WATER OF THEIR BACKYARD POOL. TETHERED TO THE BOTTOM BY A THICK ROPE OF VEINS AND TWISTED GUTS. THE OPPOSITE OF A KID HANGING HIMSELF TO DEATH WHILE HE JACKS OFF. THIS IS THE BABY THEY BROUGHT HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL 13 YEARS AGO. HERE'S THE KID THEY HOPED WOULD SNAG A FOOTBALL SCHOL¬ARSHIP AND GET AN MBA. WHO'D CARE FOR THEM IN THEIR OLD AGE. HERE'S ALL THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS. FLOATING HERE, NAKED AND DEAD. ALL AROUND HIM, BIG MILKY PEARLS OF WASTED SPERM.
EITHER THAT OR MY FOLKS WILL FIND ME WRAPPED IN A BLOODY TOWEL, COLLAPSED HALFWAY FROM THE POOL TO THE KITCHEN TELE¬PHONE, THE RAGGED, TORN SCRAP OF MY GUTS STILL HANGING OUT THE LEG OF MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS.
WHAT EVEN THE FRENCH WON'T TALK ABOUT.
THAT BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY, HE TAUGHT US ONE OTHER GOOD PHRASE. A RUSSIAN PHRASE. THE WAY WE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN MY HEAD...," RUSSIAN PEOPLE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE......
MNE ETO NADO KAK ZUBY V ZADNITSE.
THOSE STORIES ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAUGHT IN A TRAP WILL CHEW OFF THEIR LEG, WELL, ANY COYOTE WOULD TELL YOU A COUPLE BITES BEATS THE HELL OUT OF BEING DEAD.
HELL ... EVEN IF YOU'RE RUSSIAN, SOMEDAY YOU JUST MIGHT WANT THOSE TEETH.
OTHERWISE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS¬YOU HAVE TO TWIST AROUND. YOU HOOK ONE ELBOW BEHIND YOUR KNEE AND PULL THAT LEG UP INTO YOUR FACE. YOU BITE AND SNAP AT YOUR OWN ASS. YOU RUN OUT OF AIR AND YOU WILL CHEW THROUGH ANYTHING TO GET THAT NEXT BREATH.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL A GIRL ON THE FIRST DATE. NOT IF YOU EXPECT A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
IF I TOLD YOU HOW IT TASTED, YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER AGAIN EAT CALAMARI.
IT'S HARD TO SAY WHAT MY PARENTS WERE MORE DISGUSTED BY: HOW I'D GOT IN TROU¬BLE OR HOW I'D SAVED MYSELF. AFTER THE HOSPITAL, MY MOM SAID, "YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, HONEY. YOU WERE IN SHOCK." AND SHE LEARNED HOW TO COOK POACHED EGGS.
ALL THOSE PEOPLE GROSSED OUT OR FEELING SORRY FOR ME....
I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE.
NOWADAYS, PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I LOOK TOO SKINNY. PEOPLE AT DINNER PARTIES GET ALL QUIET AND PISSED OFF WHEN I DON'T EAT THE POT ROAST THEY COOKED. POT ROAST KILLS ME. BAKED HAM. ANYTHING THAT HANGS AROUND INSIDE MY GUTS FOR LONGER THAN A COUPLE OF HOURS, IT COMES OUT STILL FOOD. HOME-COOKED LIMA BEANS OR CHUNK LIGHT TUNA FISH, I'LL STAND UP AND FIND IT STILL SITTING THERE IN THE TOILET.
AFTER YOU HAVE A RADICAL BOWEL RESEC¬TIONING, YOU DON'T DIGEST MEAT SO GREAT. MOST PEOPLE, YOU HAVE FIVE FEET OF LARGE INTESTINE. I'M LUCKY TO HAVE MY SIX INCH¬ES. SO I NEVER GOT A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. NEVER GOT AN MBA. BOTH MY FRIENDS, THE WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID, THEY GREW UP, GOT BIG, BUT I'VE NEVER WEIGHED A POUND MORE THAN I DID THAT DAY WHEN I WAS 13.
ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM WAS MY FOLKS PAID A LOT OF GOOD MONEY FOR THAT SWIM¬MING POOL. IN THE END MY DAD JUST TOLD THE POOL GUY IT WAS A DOG. THE FAMILY DOG FELL IN AND DROWNED. THE DEAD BODY GOT PULLED INTO THE PUMP. EVEN WHEN THE POOL GUY CRACKED OPEN THE FILTER CASING AND FISHED OUT A RUBBERY TUBE, A WATERY HANK OF INTESTINE WITH A BIG ORANGE VITA¬MIN PILL STILL INSIDE, EVEN THEN MY DAD JUST SAID, "THAT DOG WAS FUCKING NUTS."
EVEN FROM MY UPSTAIRS BEDROOM WINDOW, YOU COULD HEAR MY DAD SAY, "WE COULDN'T TRUST THAT DOG ALONE FOR A SECOND...."
THEN MY SISTER MISSED HER PERIOD.
EVEN AFTER THEY CHANGED THE POOL WATER, AFTER THEY SOLD THE HOUSE AND WE MOVED TO ANOTHER STATE, AFTER MY SISTER'S ABORTION, EVEN THEN MY FOLKS NEVER MEN¬TIONED IT AGAIN.
EVER.
THAT IS OUR INVISIBLE CARROT.
YOU. NOW YOU CAN TAKE A GOOD, DEEP BREATH.
I STILL HAVE NOT.
~CHUCK PALAHNIUK FOR CAPS LOCK DAY
posted by moift at 11:08 PM on October 21, 2005
YES IT IS CAP LOCKS DAY ... IS YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY BORKEN?????
posted by pyramid termite at 11:14 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 11:14 PM on October 21, 2005
CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO CONTROL VD EVERY DAY!
posted by kenko at 11:16 PM on October 21, 2005
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO CONTROL VD EVERY DAY!
posted by kenko at 11:16 PM on October 21, 2005
EVERYONE HERE IS GOING TO HELL. I MEAN EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY YOU, CLEVERSHARK
posted by Stauf at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Stauf at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005
METAFILTER: TONS OF PEOPLE DO. MOST OF THEM IN FLORIDA.
posted by loquacious at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by loquacious at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005
CAPS LOCK!
CAPS LOCK!
LOVELY LOVELY
CAPS LOCK.
CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!
eat this up. YUM!
posted by goofyfoot at 11:25 PM on October 21, 2005
CAPS LOCK!
LOVELY LOVELY
CAPS LOCK.
CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!
eat this up. YUM!
posted by goofyfoot at 11:25 PM on October 21, 2005
BARRY LEVINSON ATE HITLER, SO THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, DOES IT?
posted by brundlefly at 11:26 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 11:26 PM on October 21, 2005
HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL
posted by pyramid termite at 11:31 PM on October 21, 2005
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL
posted by pyramid termite at 11:31 PM on October 21, 2005
I DON'T LIKE CHUCK PALAHNIUK HE IS VERY LIMITED IN HIS NARRATIVE STYLE ALSO BITING OFF YOUR OWN COLON IS BAD
posted by Pretty_Generic at 11:32 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 11:32 PM on October 21, 2005
AND THEY SAY K5 IS THE TROLL CAPITAL OF THE INTARWEBS.
posted by SirOmega at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by SirOmega at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
I THOUGHT THAT SAID DAD'S ELECTRA AND CUMMINGS' DID SUCK IT
THAT SHOULD BE SELF EXPLANATORY
posted by philida at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
THAT SHOULD BE SELF EXPLANATORY
posted by philida at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
GOOD NIGHT AND MEOW!!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005
I DON'T LIKE CHUCK PALAHNIUK HE IS VERY LIMITED IN HIS NARRATIVE STYLE ALSO BITING OFF YOUR OWN COLON IS BAD
BOTH POINTS WELL TAKEN
posted by moift at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
BOTH POINTS WELL TAKEN
posted by moift at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
PEOPLE THINK THAT HAPPENED TO CHUCK.
SOME PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
SOME PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING
posted by clevershark at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by clevershark at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005
I ENJOY CHUCK PALAHNIUK A GREAT DEAL BUT HE CAN BE A ONE TRICK PONY. HE IMITATES BETTERS AND LESSERS IMITATE HIM, BUT I DO ENJOY THAT STORY. READING IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PUSHED OUT A WINDOW AND FALLING
ALSO, PENIX.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:36 PM on October 21, 2005
ALSO, PENIX.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:36 PM on October 21, 2005
FAILURE IS THE BEST WAY TO LEARN. OR FORMAL INSTRUCTION.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005
I BIT OFF CHUCK PALAHNIUK. I'M DOING OKAY WITHOUT HIM THOUGH.
posted by brundlefly at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005
I DON'T KNOW WOMEN WHO USE ALL CAPS WITH ANY REGULARILTY OR ANY LIKE VARIATION THEREOF AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT MANY GAMES INVOLVE A SINGLE BALL AND I WOULD LIKE A DOMOKUN THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE IT HAS ALREADY BEEN USED FOR THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
MAYBE ONE OF THOSE MICROBE PLUSHIES OR THE SWEETEST FETUS FOR SCOTUS
posted by philida at 11:38 PM on October 21, 2005
MAYBE ONE OF THOSE MICROBE PLUSHIES OR THE SWEETEST FETUS FOR SCOTUS
posted by philida at 11:38 PM on October 21, 2005
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE USED CAPS LOCK?? HITLER!!
HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL
DO NOT LAUGH AT ME!!!!
posted by Stauf at 11:39 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]
HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL
DO NOT LAUGH AT ME!!!!
posted by Stauf at 11:39 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING
SORRY. DOES THIS HELP?
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:40 PM on October 21, 2005
SORRY. DOES THIS HELP?
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:40 PM on October 21, 2005
THIS THREAD IS DRUNKEN MAYHEM ON AN EPIC SCALE.
posted by keswick at 11:41 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by keswick at 11:41 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]
DREAMGHOST IS GIFTASTIC.
posted by brundlefly at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by brundlefly at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2005
Ach so! Sehr shrecklich!
posted by gramschmidt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005
.
posted by mildred-pitt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by mildred-pitt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005
BEING LOQUACIOUS IS BETTER THAT BEING UBIQUITOUS AND OVER EXPOSED BUT VOLUME DOES NOT EQUAL QUALITY AND BOUND IS ON IFC RIGHT NOW BUT I'M NOT REALLY WATCHING IT AS THERE ARE SEVERAL DVDS ON THE FLOOR I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO EITHER SO I CHANGED MY SUBSCRIPTION TYPE BUT KNOW MOVIES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE ON A BIG SCREEN. COULD WE GET A MONTHLYMEFITEMOVIE SCREENING IN A ROVING GLOBAL TOUR IF I HELP WITH THE MANAGEMENT ARRAIGNMENTS? PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IN THIS THREAD BUT IT'S A THOUGHT AS I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE WIZARD OF OZ WITH PINK FLOYDS ON OR EVEN MORE THAN ONE ATTEMPT AT ZAREEKA
posted by philida at 11:51 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by philida at 11:51 PM on October 21, 2005
DAMN IF I HAD IFC I WOULD BE JERKING IT RIGHT NOW?
=/
posted by Dreamghost at 11:52 PM on October 21, 2005
=/
posted by Dreamghost at 11:52 PM on October 21, 2005
DO YOU MEAN: HUGH LAURIE? BECAUSE THAT'S TWO WORDS
I THINK YOU SHOULD LIVE BEFORE YOU BUY AS WELL
posted by philida at 11:54 PM on October 21, 2005
I THINK YOU SHOULD LIVE BEFORE YOU BUY AS WELL
posted by philida at 11:54 PM on October 21, 2005
BOUND ROKZ. BEATS THE LIVING FUCK OUTTA MATRIX. WACKOWSKI'S HAVE TO REGAIN SOME GROUND IN MY HIGHLY DISCERNING, ALOOF OPINION. SNORT, SNORT.
YEAH.
posted by brundlefly at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005
YEAH.
posted by brundlefly at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005
PHILIDA U HAVE IFC?
posted by Dreamghost at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005
YOU FREAK!
I DIDN'T WRITE IT CHUCK PALAHAUHIUK DID
BUT I AM THE CANDLE WAX GUY AND I WILL NEVER BE A LAWYER :[
posted by moift at 11:56 PM on October 21, 2005
I DIDN'T WRITE IT CHUCK PALAHAUHIUK DID
BUT I AM THE CANDLE WAX GUY AND I WILL NEVER BE A LAWYER :[
posted by moift at 11:56 PM on October 21, 2005
yes, i do, but the blue is like the sea and i'm taking the riptide out
i just don't drink nearly as much as the rest of you or it doesn't do nearly the same thing to me.
posted by philida at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005
i just don't drink nearly as much as the rest of you or it doesn't do nearly the same thing to me.
posted by philida at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005
BOUND UNRATED DVDRIP XVID .TORRENT CLICK CLICK
posted by Dreamghost at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005
oh, and it's my birthday so go blow bubbles
BLOW BUBBLES IT'S MY BIRFDAY
BLOW BUBBLES BLOW BUBBLES BLOW
and buy a lottery ticket for charity
posted by philida at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2005
BLOW BUBBLES IT'S MY BIRFDAY
BLOW BUBBLES BLOW BUBBLES BLOW
and buy a lottery ticket for charity
posted by philida at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2005
THIS JUST IN DUKE NUKEM FOREVER HAS LICENSED THE SKIFREE ENGINE
posted by moift at 12:00 AM on October 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by moift at 12:00 AM on October 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
woah
SORRY I TYPED THAT WITH SHIFT DOWN FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS IT BACKFIRED
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:01 AM on October 22, 2005
SORRY I TYPED THAT WITH SHIFT DOWN FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS IT BACKFIRED
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:01 AM on October 22, 2005
YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU BITE ME OH WAIT IT IS BECAUSE I AM A VAMPIRE
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:04 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:04 AM on October 22, 2005
TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING A TELEGRAM STOP
EXCEPT I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A REAL TELEGRAM IN MY LIFE STOP
I KNOW THERE ARE ABBREVIATIONS AND SHIT AND SOME KIND OF CONCISE GRAMMAR STOP
ALSO IS THIS HOW YOU HANDLE QUESTIONS INTERROGATIVE STOP
OR AM I THINKING OF SOME BAD SCIENCE FICTION AGAIN STOP
JESUS CHRIST I WISH I WAS DRUNK
STOP
posted by S.C. at 12:05 AM on October 22, 2005
EXCEPT I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A REAL TELEGRAM IN MY LIFE STOP
I KNOW THERE ARE ABBREVIATIONS AND SHIT AND SOME KIND OF CONCISE GRAMMAR STOP
ALSO IS THIS HOW YOU HANDLE QUESTIONS INTERROGATIVE STOP
OR AM I THINKING OF SOME BAD SCIENCE FICTION AGAIN STOP
JESUS CHRIST I WISH I WAS DRUNK
STOP
posted by S.C. at 12:05 AM on October 22, 2005
GEORGE BUSH SHOULD GET THIS JPG FOR HIS XMAS CARDS
posted by Dreamghost at 12:07 AM on October 22, 2005
TEN DOLL HAIRS TO THE FURST 1 2 POST A KELET.
UNTIL THEN:
posted by gramschmidt at 12:07 AM on October 22, 2005
UNTIL THEN:
posted by gramschmidt at 12:07 AM on October 22, 2005
A PICTURE IS WORTH ONLY A 1000 BRAINS?
posted by Dreamghost at 12:08 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Dreamghost at 12:08 AM on October 22, 2005
IF I HAD A TUMOR I'D NAME IT MOFIT
NOT MOIFT
AND I THINK THE MOVIE OF SLAVES OF NEW YORK WAS BETTER THAN THE BOOK AS WELL
THIS MAKES MY THROAT TENSE EVEN THOUGH I'M TYPING AND I'M TRYING TO AUDIOBLOG YOU SOUNDLESS FREAKS
IT'S LIKE SPACE WITH NO ONE HEARING YOU SCREAM
AND THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT
posted by philida at 12:12 AM on October 22, 2005
NOT MOIFT
AND I THINK THE MOVIE OF SLAVES OF NEW YORK WAS BETTER THAN THE BOOK AS WELL
THIS MAKES MY THROAT TENSE EVEN THOUGH I'M TYPING AND I'M TRYING TO AUDIOBLOG YOU SOUNDLESS FREAKS
IT'S LIKE SPACE WITH NO ONE HEARING YOU SCREAM
AND THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT
posted by philida at 12:12 AM on October 22, 2005
ROD STEWERT KILLED TRACKBACKS
IF YA THINK IMA SEXY???
2
0
0
P
O
S
T
posted by Dreamghost at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
IF YA THINK IMA SEXY???
2
0
0
P
O
S
T
posted by Dreamghost at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
TELEGRAMS ARE EXPENSIVE AND THANK YOU GRAMSCHMIDT
bye.
posted by philida at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
bye.
posted by philida at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
DID THEY HAVE TO ESCAPE THINGS IN TELEGRAMS LIKE 'DON'T \STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STOP' OR WHAT HOW DOES THAT WORK
posted by moift at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by moift at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005
OH FUCK OW
posted by loquacious at 12:19 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 12:19 AM on October 22, 2005
OH GOD NOT THE HASSLEHOFFIAN SETS!
posted by loquacious at 12:22 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 12:22 AM on October 22, 2005
OFF TOPIC: SUPERFRANKENSTEIN UR SITE KICKS ASS! YES IT DOES!!!~
^5 PLAYAH
posted by Dreamghost at 12:23 AM on October 22, 2005
^5 PLAYAH
posted by Dreamghost at 12:23 AM on October 22, 2005
I WOULD SETTLE FOR A BUNCHIE.
posted by gramschmidt at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005
Hehehe, Jean-Claude Van Damme. When will you learn?
posted by nthdegx at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by nthdegx at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005
YOUR ALL GAY HAHAHAH
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 AM on October 22, 2005
OW FUCK MY EYE!!
posted by loquacious at 12:30 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 12:30 AM on October 22, 2005
ARE YOU ALL REET?
that's for jessamattandfamilies and all mods who are rockers specifically
but the first 20 people i guess
posted by philida at 12:33 AM on October 22, 2005
that's for jessamattandfamilies and all mods who are rockers specifically
but the first 20 people i guess
posted by philida at 12:33 AM on October 22, 2005
I THINK WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT "BEST OF THE WEB" IN META I DO BELIVE THERE REFFERING TO THIS POST?
AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 12:34 AM on October 22, 2005
AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 12:34 AM on October 22, 2005
IS THIS A LEGAL RIT?
I'M LEAVING BEFORE I POST LE FIL/T
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING FOR ALL CONCERNS
viva la frunch
posted by philida at 12:36 AM on October 22, 2005
I'M LEAVING BEFORE I POST LE FIL/T
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING FOR ALL CONCERNS
viva la frunch
posted by philida at 12:36 AM on October 22, 2005
OH MAN AND I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD TOP SCROLL LOCK DAY
posted by moift at 12:38 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by moift at 12:38 AM on October 22, 2005
FUCK THIS NEW SCHOOL SHIT!!!!
SHIFT LOCK 4L!!!
BITERS!!!
LOAD "*",8,1
posted by wakko at 12:40 AM on October 22, 2005
SHIFT LOCK 4L!!!
BITERS!!!
LOAD "*",8,1
posted by wakko at 12:40 AM on October 22, 2005
10 for J = 1 to N : N = RND(1)*10000 : ? "WAKKO EATS BUTT SOAP" : NEXT J : GOTO 10 : END : MUTHAFUCKA
posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on October 22, 2005
DID THEY HAVE TO ESCAPE THINGS IN TELEGRAMS LIKE 'DON'T \STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STOP' OR WHAT HOW DOES THAT WORK
CAN NE1 ANSWER THIS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AS WELL TIA
posted by moift at 12:50 AM on October 22, 2005
CAN NE1 ANSWER THIS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AS WELL TIA
posted by moift at 12:50 AM on October 22, 2005
i WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A POINT, THOUGH i WORRY i'LL JUST COME OFF AS UNFAIR. jUST BECAUSE IT IS iNTERNATIONAL cAPSLOCK dAY, JUST BECAUSE YOUR cAPS lOCK KEY IS ACTIVATED, DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM MAKING AN EFFORT TO PROPERLY CAPITALIZE YOUR POSTS. pLEASE. pLEASE. pLEASE. sOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP.
posted by nobody at 1:14 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by nobody at 1:14 AM on October 22, 2005
{a3S6, /3EASE N6 N4036C2 DAY TH5S YEAR. s60E 6F 4S HAVE 3A/T6/S, AND N4036C2 0A2ES 5T VERY HARD T6 C6004N5CATE. ERR, VERY HARD T6 SAY ANYTH5NG. SEND HE3/.}
posted by nobody at 1:18 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by nobody at 1:18 AM on October 22, 2005
MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS111
posted by Charlie Bucket at 1:20 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Charlie Bucket at 1:20 AM on October 22, 2005
OMG TIS SHIT 2 FUNNY!!11!!!
HEY NE1 HEAR SENE THIS PIC B4? OMFG I LOLZ
GTG, PLOS. L8Z ALL.
posted by woj at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005
HEY NE1 HEAR SENE THIS PIC B4? OMFG I LOLZ
GTG, PLOS. L8Z ALL.
posted by woj at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005
hello, everyone. are we having fun on this uneventful day? I went to this concert and now my ears are ringing.
posted by angry modem at 1:25 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by angry modem at 1:25 AM on October 22, 2005
UNEVENTFUL MORE LIKE FUNEVENTFUL, AM I RITE?
posted by mayfly wake at 1:27 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by mayfly wake at 1:27 AM on October 22, 2005
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FUN, SO I THOUGHT I'D ADD THIS TO THE INSANITY.
posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 1:37 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 1:37 AM on October 22, 2005
WHO PICKED THIS DAY AND WHY and why isn't it in the wiki?
posted by philida at 1:44 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 1:44 AM on October 22, 2005
IN ALL OF THIS CHAOS, IS THIS WHEN WE CAN FINALLY GET AROUND TO DISCUSSING MY TESTICLES?
posted by chasing at 1:48 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by chasing at 1:48 AM on October 22, 2005
EVEN WHEN I AM TYPING THIS I REFUSE TO USE THE CAPS LOCK. IT IS EVIL AND SHOULD BE BANNED:
OKTHANKSBYE
posted by SharQ at 1:49 AM on October 22, 2005
OKTHANKSBYE
posted by SharQ at 1:49 AM on October 22, 2005
<B0N3RTR0N1> ANY HOT GIRLZ WANNA CYBER??
<B0N3RTR0N1> PRESS 1 NOW
<B0N3RTR0N1> 15/M/CA
posted by woj at 2:00 AM on October 22, 2005
<B0N3RTR0N1> PRESS 1 NOW
<B0N3RTR0N1> 15/M/CA
posted by woj at 2:00 AM on October 22, 2005
OH NOES I'M LAT
LAWL LAWL LAWL FAG LAWL
ZOMG!!!111!!111!ELEVEN
posted by Tikirific at 2:01 AM on October 22, 2005
LAWL LAWL LAWL FAG LAWL
ZOMG!!!111!!111!ELEVEN
posted by Tikirific at 2:01 AM on October 22, 2005
GENTLEMEN. IT'S TIME. LET'S FUCK THIS DONKEY.
posted by loquacious at 2:08 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 2:08 AM on October 22, 2005
** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG **
posted by ori at 2:32 AM on October 22, 2005
I WOULD LIKE TO CELEBRATE INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY BY GIVING YOU ALL A FRESHLY UNPACKED MAIL ORDER BRIDE.
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:47 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:47 AM on October 22, 2005
WE'RE FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES HERE!
WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES!!!!!!
posted by Busithoth at 4:12 AM on October 22, 2005
WHY DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES!!!!!!
posted by Busithoth at 4:12 AM on October 22, 2005
STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STOP' OR WHAT HOW DOES THAT WORK
DON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW BUT STOP DO STOP AND DON'T EVER USE IT AS A CAMPAIGN SONG FOR GASSAKES WHEN YOU COULD USE [deleted] AND BOY IS IT LOUD IN THIS CLUB I SAID IT'S REALLY LOUD IN HERE AND THE LIGHT SHOW IS MAKING ME DIZZY BUT THEN THE ACID KICKED IN AND THERE WAS MISS PEGGY LEE CAN WE EVER JUST MAKE DINNER AND STAY AT HOME LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE NO I DID NOT SAY HURF DURF BUTTER EATER YOU MUMLOVING BUTTPUPPET
posted by philida at 4:15 AM on October 22, 2005
DON'T STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW BUT STOP DO STOP AND DON'T EVER USE IT AS A CAMPAIGN SONG FOR GASSAKES WHEN YOU COULD USE [deleted] AND BOY IS IT LOUD IN THIS CLUB I SAID IT'S REALLY LOUD IN HERE AND THE LIGHT SHOW IS MAKING ME DIZZY BUT THEN THE ACID KICKED IN AND THERE WAS MISS PEGGY LEE CAN WE EVER JUST MAKE DINNER AND STAY AT HOME LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE NO I DID NOT SAY HURF DURF BUTTER EATER YOU MUMLOVING BUTTPUPPET
posted by philida at 4:15 AM on October 22, 2005
DAVE? IS THAT YOU DAVE? THIS IS TEH COOL. ALOT. SHOUTOUTZ TOO DA GANGZZ. ROOOLZ. YEH BABEY
posted by TheDonF at 4:56 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by TheDonF at 4:56 AM on October 22, 2005
HOW COME THERE IS NO WIKIPEDIA ENTRY FOR INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY?? I SMELL SOMETHING FISHY HERE.
posted by sveskemus at 5:07 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by sveskemus at 5:07 AM on October 22, 2005
OMG, IT IS LIKE BEING A LITTLE KID AGAIN AND WAKING UP TO SEE THAT SANTA HAD COME IN THE LIVING ROOM! WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING. OMFG1 LOLOLOL THIS IS A SPECIAL DAY, IAM SO HAPPY11
posted by madamjujujive at 5:22 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by madamjujujive at 5:22 AM on October 22, 2005
HEY WHOEVER IN ASKMEFI SAID HOW DO I GET MY BOSS TO STOP USING CAPS LOCK THIS THREAD IS HOW, ASK HIM IF YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE THESE LOOOSERES HE WILL SAY NO11!!!!
posted by selfmedicating at 5:28 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by selfmedicating at 5:28 AM on October 22, 2005
I AM A HATER AND THEREFORE AM NOW SUCKING IT.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:06 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:06 AM on October 22, 2005
ANGRY MODEM ... IF YOUR EARS ARE RINGING YOU SHOULD PICK THEM UP AND ANSWER THEM!!!!!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 6:45 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 6:45 AM on October 22, 2005
ALL THIS CAPS LOCKING WOKE ME UP.
posted by veronitron at 6:51 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by veronitron at 6:51 AM on October 22, 2005
OMFG METAFILTER HAS TURNED INTO 4CHAN /B/
posted by zenzizi at 6:57 AM on October 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
This page crashed my other computer. Not just the browser, the whole OS. Awesome.
posted by intermod at 7:22 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by intermod at 7:22 AM on October 22, 2005
(STYNXNO: ONE WAS NOT ENOUGH)
posted by I Love Tacos at 7:30 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by I Love Tacos at 7:30 AM on October 22, 2005
I AM IMAGINING ALL THSOE BANANAS SINGING "BANANA FONE" BUT ONLY THAT FIRST BIT THAT GOES "DOOT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHICH IS THE BEST PART
posted by loquacious at 7:31 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 7:31 AM on October 22, 2005
iS ANYONE ELSE HAVING DIFFICULTY NOT ALLOWING FOR THE CAPITALIZATION OF PARTICULAR LETTERS? i AM, BUT i FEEL LIKE A GIANT TWUNT WHEN i DO THE LITTLE LETTER REPRESENTING WHAT WOULD TYPICALLY BE THE BIG LETTER. mAYBE THE GUYS AT parc CAN DEVELOP US UP SOME SORT OF MEGA-SHIFT THAT CREATES A BIGGER KEY FOR US TO USE.
posted by herting at 7:37 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by herting at 7:37 AM on October 22, 2005
OH MAN NOW I ALMOST FORGOT ABOOT BANANAPHONE GOOD DAY SIR I SAID GOOD DAY AND THEN SLOWLY I TURNED
posted by philida at 7:40 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 7:40 AM on October 22, 2005
must be a nerd thing *moves on*
posted by wheelieman at 7:41 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by wheelieman at 7:41 AM on October 22, 2005
<img src="http://www.chaosbit.com/DOOT.jpg".
posted by loquacious at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 7:43 AM on October 22, 2005
THAT REALLY SUCKED SWINGING BALLS, TONE LOQ, THAT MOLESTED MAJOR MARK UP
posted by philida at 7:49 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 7:49 AM on October 22, 2005
OH I'M SORRY DID I PHIL OF THE FUTURE YOUR GILMORE GIRLS??????
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:50 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:50 AM on October 22, 2005
WHERE MY GODDAMN BANANAPHONE AND SHOULD I CALL MY MOM AND TELL HER I'D RATHER TAKE A NAP OR GO AND LET HER PAY FOR A MEAL
posted by philida at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 7:51 AM on October 22, 2005
EVERY TIME YOU USE CAP SLOCK A FARIE GETS IT'S WINGS
CAP HARDER
CAP HARDER
CAP HARDER GODAMIT
YOUR NOT CAPPING HARD ENUFF
SCREW U GUYS I'M OUTA HERE
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2005
CAP HARDER
CAP HARDER
CAP HARDER GODAMIT
YOUR NOT CAPPING HARD ENUFF
SCREW U GUYS I'M OUTA HERE
posted by mbd1mbd1 at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2005
NO YOU WASHINGTON POSTED MY SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING WHEN THE SHEESH HIT THE SMURF
posted by philida at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 7:52 AM on October 22, 2005
PHILIDA: ARE YOU AS MESMERIZED BY THOSE PENDULOUSLY FURRY HYPNOTIC THINGS AS I AM NO WONDER IM TYPOKING EVERYWHERE I CANT TAKE MY EYES OFF EM
I AM REMINDED OF THOSE FINELY WROUGHT MANTLE-TYPE CLOCKPIECES WITH THE SWINGING BIG BRASS ONES, ONLY WITH EXTRACORE FURSUIT ACTION AND NIPPONESE HOMO SUMO FLAVA.
posted by loquacious at 7:56 AM on October 22, 2005
I AM REMINDED OF THOSE FINELY WROUGHT MANTLE-TYPE CLOCKPIECES WITH THE SWINGING BIG BRASS ONES, ONLY WITH EXTRACORE FURSUIT ACTION AND NIPPONESE HOMO SUMO FLAVA.
posted by loquacious at 7:56 AM on October 22, 2005
ARFUR BROWN>>>FUCK>>>PYRAMID TERMITE I FINK I LURV U
posted by adamvasco at 8:00 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by adamvasco at 8:00 AM on October 22, 2005
THE THOUGHT OF THIS THREAD WILL WARM ME DURING THE COMING WINTER. THIS AND THE ZOMBIE HORDE IN WOW THREAD.
posted by of strange foe at 8:13 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by of strange foe at 8:13 AM on October 22, 2005
OH WAIT I HAVE SEEN IT MOIFT THIS REAL ESTATE CHICK DOES THE ALL CAPS THING AND WHEN I TOLD HER ABOUT IT MEANING SHOUTING HER TEXT GOT VERY SMALL BUT THEN THAT COULD BE BECAUSE I PULLED THE SUPER BUSINESS DEEP FREEZE ROBOT WHO USES BIG WORDS THING ON HER
posted by philida at 8:18 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 8:18 AM on October 22, 2005
HELP WINDOWS ACCESSIBILITY TURNED MY CAPS KEY ON 4EVA111111111111111111!!!EXCLAMATIONMARKS
posted by NickDouglas at 8:29 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by NickDouglas at 8:29 AM on October 22, 2005
FRIST POST!!!!!!!!
LOLOLOL
I WANT YOUR MONEY AND SOUL!!! ALSO SEX!! LIKE MONIKA!!
posted by tittergrrl at 8:31 AM on October 22, 2005
LOLOLOL
I WANT YOUR MONEY AND SOUL!!! ALSO SEX!! LIKE MONIKA!!
posted by tittergrrl at 8:31 AM on October 22, 2005
BEST MEFI THREAD EVER.
CAPS LOCK DAY RULZZZZZ!!!!!!!
posted by Sellersburg/Speed at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2005
CAPS LOCK DAY RULZZZZZ!!!!!!!
posted by Sellersburg/Speed at 8:47 AM on October 22, 2005
.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:54 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:54 AM on October 22, 2005
FYI ANIMATED GIFS COUNT AS CAPSLOCK BECAUSE "GIF" IS AN ACRONYM HTH
posted by dmd at 9:09 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by dmd at 9:09 AM on October 22, 2005
WHAT IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE SLAPWIT?
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:22 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:22 AM on October 22, 2005
METAFILTER: NOT EVEN FRENCH PEOPLE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING.
ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ВСЕ ТАК ГРОМКО КРИЧАТ??
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on October 22, 2005
ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ВСЕ ТАК ГРОМКО КРИЧАТ??
posted by languagehat at 9:31 AM on October 22, 2005
SORRY, PLEASE DELETE ВЫ FROM MY LAST COMMENT, IT IS OUT OF PLACE.
posted by languagehat at 9:37 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by languagehat at 9:37 AM on October 22, 2005
I FUCKING LOVE THAT 'O RLY' OWL PICTURE PLS TO POST IN MORE THREADS KTHX
posted by S.C. at 9:47 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by S.C. at 9:47 AM on October 22, 2005
SUPERMAN IS A DICK.
posted by Superfrankenstein at 9:52 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Superfrankenstein at 9:52 AM on October 22, 2005
I'M SORRY BUT I'M JUST THINKING OF THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY I KNOW THEY DON'T SOUND THE WAY I PLANNED THEM TO BE BUT IF YOU WAIT AROUND A WHILE
posted by philida at 9:54 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by philida at 9:54 AM on October 22, 2005
GEORGE BUSH PWNS IRAK1111!!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 10:06 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 10:06 AM on October 22, 2005
JESUS! SINCE WHEN AHS CAPSLOCK DAY BEEN ABOUT TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE PUKE? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED YOU PEOPLE WHO POST VILE IMAGES LIKE THE DEAD MOSUES AND THE PERSON BANGING HIS FACE APART, AND THE CHUCK PALAHNIUK STORY. MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. LOOK INSIDE YOURSELVES. CAPS LOCK DAY IS ABOUT SHARING AND LOVING AND GIVING, AND BEFRIENDING VAGRANTS. ITS NOT ABOUT REOVLTING IMAGES OF DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT.
posted by mokey at 10:12 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by mokey at 10:12 AM on October 22, 2005
MOKEY HOW ELSE CAN WE ENSNARE THE VAGRANTS THEY ARE NOTORIOUSLY HARD TOO PLEASE
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:15 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:15 AM on October 22, 2005
I AM SO GLAD IT'S CAPS LOCK DAY!!! THAT MEANS NOTHING IS TOO ANNOYING IN THE THREAD!!!
WHEEEEE!
posted by shmegegge at 10:16 AM on October 22, 2005
FRIED CHICKEN HEADS!! THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR BREAKFAST ANYMORE!!
posted by pyramid termite at 10:21 AM on October 22, 2005
OH WOW I SAW THIS THREAD LAST NIGHT BUT IT WAS STILL FRIDAY FOR ME SO I DIDN'T POST WHICH IS A LAME EXCUSE MOSTLY I WAS JUST SLEEPY BUT NOW I WISH I DID BUT THAT'S OK BECAUSE I'M POSTING NOW I'M SO GLAD I HAVE A MEFI ACCOUNT THIS YEAR SO I CAN BE PART OF CAPSLOCK DAY I THINK I WILL WEAR MY MEFI TSHIRT THAT MY BOYFRIEND BOUGHT FOR ME WHILE I HELP HIM WITH YARDWORK THIS AFTERNOON YAY CAPSLOCK!
posted by krix at 10:29 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by krix at 10:29 AM on October 22, 2005
HEAVENS, LOOK AT ALL OF THESE JOHNNY-COME-LATELY-ISTS. WHERE WERE YOU GUYS LAST NIGHT? HUH? WERE YOU AT THE LOCAL GRAND LODGE, PRACTICING JOHNNY-COME-LATELY-ISM?
I SUSPECT YOU WERE.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:52 AM on October 22, 2005
I SUSPECT YOU WERE.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:52 AM on October 22, 2005
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
posted by kozad at 10:55 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by kozad at 10:55 AM on October 22, 2005
SORRY SOME OF US HAVE LIVES AND GO OUT AND PARTY! I WENT TO BED AT 7 LAST NITE
posted by absalom at 10:59 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by absalom at 10:59 AM on October 22, 2005
AUCH, BITTE, CUSACK GETS AN AWARD FOR POSTING THE STUPIDEST GIF IN THE HISTORY OF METAFILTER.
AUCH, JA, I'M GIVING MYSELF AN AWARD FOR THIS, THE GREATEST, MOST HYPERBOLIC AND SUPERLATIVE COMMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SLASHDOT. OH EM GEE DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEW APPLE PRODUCT AND THE LAWSUIT ABOUT THE TECH COMPANY WITH THE NEW DEBIAN-BASED DISTRO? \/\/ 0 \/\/ .
posted by gramschmidt at 11:05 AM on October 22, 2005
AUCH, JA, I'M GIVING MYSELF AN AWARD FOR THIS, THE GREATEST, MOST HYPERBOLIC AND SUPERLATIVE COMMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SLASHDOT. OH EM GEE DID YOU GUYS SEE THE NEW APPLE PRODUCT AND THE LAWSUIT ABOUT THE TECH COMPANY WITH THE NEW DEBIAN-BASED DISTRO? \/\/ 0 \/\/ .
posted by gramschmidt at 11:05 AM on October 22, 2005
WHAT
posted by furiousthought at 11:10 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by furiousthought at 11:10 AM on October 22, 2005
GRAMSHIT:
I WAS OUT GETGTING DRUNK WITH FRIENDZ AND SHIT AND HAVING SEX WITH YOUR MOM LOL AND I LEFT HER A TIP LOL LOL IT WAS AWESUM!! SO I COULDNT SELEBRATE UNTIL NOW LOL
posted by tittergrrl at 11:14 AM on October 22, 2005
I WAS OUT GETGTING DRUNK WITH FRIENDZ AND SHIT AND HAVING SEX WITH YOUR MOM LOL AND I LEFT HER A TIP LOL LOL IT WAS AWESUM!! SO I COULDNT SELEBRATE UNTIL NOW LOL
posted by tittergrrl at 11:14 AM on October 22, 2005
SO *THAT'S* WHAT GOES ON AT THE LODGE! NOW I KNOW.
AND KNOWING IS HALF THE G.I. JOE EPISODE.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:19 AM on October 22, 2005
AND KNOWING IS HALF THE G.I. JOE EPISODE.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:19 AM on October 22, 2005
DIAL UP WOULD BE BAD. UNLESS IT'S SO BAD IT'S GOOOOOD
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:23 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:23 AM on October 22, 2005
CAPS LOCK DAY WAS FOUNDED ON THE BLOOD OF NATIVE AMERICANS!
posted by geoff. at 11:35 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by geoff. at 11:35 AM on October 22, 2005
IT'S NOT FARK BECAUSE WE KNOW WE'RE BEING STUPID
posted by secret about box at 11:36 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by secret about box at 11:36 AM on October 22, 2005
SINCE I RAPED YOUR WIFE
posted by angry modem at 11:37 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by angry modem at 11:37 AM on October 22, 2005
SINCE ANGRY MODEM RAPED YOUR...
OH, HE'S ON IT.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:38 AM on October 22, 2005
OH, HE'S ON IT.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:38 AM on October 22, 2005
OMG ABSALOM U TOTALLY GANKED MY FRIENDS AKBAR IMAGE IM TOTALLY LOOKING U UP AND HAXX0RING UR SITE I TOTALLY KNOW HTML AND JAVASCRIPT!!!!!!!
posted by tittergrrl at 11:39 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by tittergrrl at 11:39 AM on October 22, 2005
IT'S NOT FARK BECAUSE WE KNOW WE'RE BEING STUPID
posted by Mikey-San at 11:36 AM PST on October 22
IG-ZAKLY. INTELLIGENTDESIGN STUPIDITY. IT'S THE NEW BLACK.
OR CHROME, YOUR CHOICE.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:44 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Mikey-San at 11:36 AM PST on October 22
IG-ZAKLY. INTELLIGENT
OR CHROME, YOUR CHOICE.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:44 AM on October 22, 2005
Guys, I didn't get any of that, could you repeat it all?
posted by Smedleyman at 11:48 AM on October 22, 2005
posted by Smedleyman at 11:48 AM on October 22, 2005
FECK! ARSE! WHISKEY!
*LUNGES*
BREAST! GUSSET! BREAST!
BBC COMEDY TAGLINES ARE THE BEST.
posted by kalimac at 11:56 AM on October 22, 2005
*LUNGES*
BREAST! GUSSET! BREAST!
BBC COMEDY TAGLINES ARE THE BEST.
posted by kalimac at 11:56 AM on October 22, 2005
THIS THREAD IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT. BUT IT'S A GOOD KIND OF HURT........OMG LOL ROTFLMFAO 1111111111111
posted by maryh at 12:16 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by maryh at 12:16 PM on October 22, 2005
Right now, I love you guys so freakin' much.
Carry on...
posted by Kloryne at 12:21 PM on October 22, 2005
Carry on...
posted by Kloryne at 12:21 PM on October 22, 2005
BANJO AND THE PORK MUCH HEEP LIKEM CAPS LOCK!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:44 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:44 PM on October 22, 2005
U GUYZ SURE DO LEECH A LOT OF IMAGES :HOPEUGOTFIVEBUX:: :CROWNBRAOON:
posted by moift at 12:54 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by moift at 12:54 PM on October 22, 2005
IF YOU MOVE THE SCREEN UP AND DOWN REAL FAST IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DANCING!
posted by shmegegge at 1:01 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by shmegegge at 1:01 PM on October 22, 2005
hello, everyone. are we having fun on this uneventful day? I went to this concert and now my ears are ringing.
ANGER MOBEM U R GONA BE SO EMMBBARRASSEDD WEN U REALIZE WUT DIS THREAD IS MEBBE U SHULD RTFT N00BCAKE
posted by moift at 1:02 PM on October 22, 2005
ANGER MOBEM U R GONA BE SO EMMBBARRASSEDD WEN U REALIZE WUT DIS THREAD IS MEBBE U SHULD RTFT N00BCAKE
posted by moift at 1:02 PM on October 22, 2005
HNUY ILLA NYHA MAJAH YAHOO!
posted by languagehat at 1:40 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by languagehat at 1:40 PM on October 22, 2005
IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE HUNG OVER BEFORE DRINKING?
APPARENTLY SO.
posted by tritisan at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2005
APPARENTLY SO.
posted by tritisan at 1:46 PM on October 22, 2005
IT WOULDN'T BE CAPSLOCK DAY [ALSO: HOLDSHIFT
DAY AND BUSTED SHIFT DAY LIKE I'VE HAD LOLOLOL]
WITHOUT JERKCITY!!!!
posted by phylum sinter at 2:00 PM on October 22, 2005
DAY AND BUSTED SHIFT DAY LIKE I'VE HAD LOLOLOL]
WITHOUT JERKCITY!!!!
posted by phylum sinter at 2:00 PM on October 22, 2005
THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR THIS THREAD IT HAS BROUGHT SO MUCH JOY TO ME!
posted by fillsthepews at 2:07 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by fillsthepews at 2:07 PM on October 22, 2005
HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY BITCHES!!!!!
posted by Edible Energy at 2:09 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by Edible Energy at 2:09 PM on October 22, 2005
400+ POSTS WINS THE COWBELL MERIT BADGE!
YAY METAHFILTAH!
posted by Zack_Replica at 2:14 PM on October 22, 2005
YAY METAHFILTAH!
posted by Zack_Replica at 2:14 PM on October 22, 2005
Hi. Uh... could you folks try and keep it down? We're trying to get some sleep over in the zombie thread. Thanks.
posted by poweredbybeard at 2:33 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by poweredbybeard at 2:33 PM on October 22, 2005
WE NEED MORE FUNNY PICTURES IN THIS THREAD1
posted by greasy_skillet at 2:36 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by greasy_skillet at 2:36 PM on October 22, 2005
[QUOTE="KRRRLSON"]AIMING FOR 1000 COMENTS.[/QUOTE]
~~BUMP~~
posted by moift at 2:37 PM on October 22, 2005
~~BUMP~~
posted by moift at 2:37 PM on October 22, 2005
I HAVEN'T EATEN THIS THUMBTACK YET, BUT I'M CONSIDERING IT.
posted by gramschmidt at 2:44 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 2:44 PM on October 22, 2005
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAVID HASSELHOFF-RELATED WEBSITE?
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST CAPS-LOCK RELATED MEMORY?
PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY MEANS TO YOU:
DO YOU EXPECT THESE SUBMIT BUTTONS TO DO ANYTHING?
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:09 PM on October 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
WHAT IS YOUR FIRST CAPS-LOCK RELATED MEMORY?
PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY MEANS TO YOU:
DO YOU EXPECT THESE SUBMIT BUTTONS TO DO ANYTHING?
posted by I Love Tacos at 3:09 PM on October 22, 2005 [1 favorite]
WHERE THE FUCK AM I
posted by loquacious at 3:13 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 3:13 PM on October 22, 2005
DIAMONDS UP, KANYE!
i hate you all. RLY.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 3:16 PM on October 22, 2005
i hate you all. RLY.
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 3:16 PM on October 22, 2005
OH WAIT SRY THAT WAS ***IN FRENCH*** I DID NOT MEAN TO MAKE ANYONE ANGRY OJ I MEAN ??OK??
ALSO TOO BAD I AM NOT ON MY COMPUTER OR WOULD TOTALLY POST FATMOUSE PIC
LOL @ FATMOUSE!
posted by jenovus at 3:46 PM on October 22, 2005
ALSO TOO BAD I AM NOT ON MY COMPUTER OR WOULD TOTALLY POST FATMOUSE PIC
LOL @ FATMOUSE!
posted by jenovus at 3:46 PM on October 22, 2005
ONE FINDS ONESELF VIRTUALLY DEPRIVED OF THE RUDIMENTARY ELEMENTS OF INTELLECTUAL APPRAISAL REQUIRED TO ASSIMILATE THE MAGNITUDE OF THIS EXTRAODINARY THREAD
posted by tarantula at 3:48 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by tarantula at 3:48 PM on October 22, 2005
THIS IS HOW YOU JUMP OUT OF THE AIRPLANE
posted by mayfly wake at 3:52 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by mayfly wake at 3:52 PM on October 22, 2005
OMG THIS THREAD IS OUT OF CONTROL, GOOD THING I HAVE UB3R HAX0R SK1LLZ
posted by bering at 4:00 PM on October 22, 2005
THIS THREAD SUCKS ON MY TREO.
AND I HAVE NO CAPS LOCK. :(
posted by crunchywelch at 5:09 PM on October 22, 2005
AND I HAVE NO CAPS LOCK. :(
posted by crunchywelch at 5:09 PM on October 22, 2005
REINFORCEMENTS HAVE ARRIVED.
THANKS AUTHORS YEAH SO RLY
TAX EXEMPT TIN STATE OF ALIFORN...DOTDOTDOTLOVE
posted by DyRE at 6:18 PM on October 22, 2005
THANKS AUTHORS YEAH SO RLY
TAX EXEMPT TIN STATE OF ALIFORN...DOTDOTDOTLOVE
posted by DyRE at 6:18 PM on October 22, 2005
I HAVE NO CAPS LOCK AND I MUST SCREAM
posted by loquacious at 6:20 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by loquacious at 6:20 PM on October 22, 2005
APPEARS NOT MOIFT NOW PLEASE HELP ME HELP US HELP HIM JONMC IS NOT AL WELL MAN HE HAS STONES BUT THE KIND FIGHTING THEIR WAY OUT HIS PEEHOLE PLEASE JONNY BOY THE PIPES THE PIPES LET THE NICE GAY MEN HELP YOU AND YES I STILL GET THE LAPTOP PLEASE MAN DO IT FOR JONNY DO IT FOR JONNY AND THAT POOR WOMAN HE HAS TRAPPED INTO BEING HIS PIPS FOR THE LOVE OF BIRTHDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES AND KITTENS AND PUPPIES AND METAMEETUPS JON JUST SAY YES MAN SAY YES JON
EVERYONE: QUEER EYE FOR THE MCFLY! QUEER EYE FOR THE MIC FLY! QUEER EYE FOR THE MEFITE WE WANT TO SEE LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER PASTRAMI SANDWICH
OR NOT
posted by philida at 7:26 PM on October 22, 2005
EVERYONE: QUEER EYE FOR THE MCFLY! QUEER EYE FOR THE MIC FLY! QUEER EYE FOR THE MEFITE WE WANT TO SEE LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER PASTRAMI SANDWICH
OR NOT
posted by philida at 7:26 PM on October 22, 2005
THE QUICK BROWN FOX JUMPED OVER THE LAZY DOG!!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 7:38 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 7:38 PM on October 22, 2005
LAST POST!!!
(If you make this post a lie I will hunt you down and destroy you. My rage will know no bounds.)
posted by blahblahblah at 7:43 PM on October 22, 2005
(If you make this post a lie I will hunt you down and destroy you. My rage will know no bounds.)
posted by blahblahblah at 7:43 PM on October 22, 2005
PHILIDA:
THE GREEKS AND THE JEWS AND THE ARABS AND THE DEVIL KNOWS WHO ELSE FROM ALL THE ENDS OF EUROPE AND DUKE STREET AND THE FOWL MARKET ALL CLUCKING OUTSIDE LARBY SHARANS AND THE POOR DONKEYS SLIPPING HALF ASLEEP AND THE VAGUE FELLOWS IN THE CLOAKS ASLEEP IN THE SHADE ON THE STEPS AND THE BIG WHEELS OF THE CARTS OF THE BULLS AND THE OLD CASTLE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD YES AND THOSE HANDSOME MOORS ALL IN WHITE AND TURBANS LIKE KINGS ASKING YOU TO SIT DOWN IN THEIR LITTLE BIT OF A SHOP AND RONDA WITH THE OLD WINDOWS OF THE POSADAS GLANCING EYES A LATTICE HID FOR HER LOVER TO KISS THE IRON AND THE WINESHOPS HALF OPEN AT NIGHT AND THE CASTANETS AND THE NIGHT WE MISSED THE BOAT AT ALGECIRAS THE WATCHMAN GOING ABOUT SERENE WITH HIS LAMP AND O THAT AWFUL DEEPDOWN TORRENT O AND THE SEA THE SEA CRIMSON SOMETIMES LIKE FIRE AND THE GLORIOUS SUNSETS AND THE FIGTREES IN THE ALAMEDA GARDENS YES AND ALL THE QUEER LITTLE STREETS AND PINK AND BLUE AND YELLOW HOUSES AND THE ROSEGARDENS AND THE JESSAMINE AND GERANIUMS AND CACTUSES AND GIBRALTAR AS A GIRL WHERE I WAS A FLOWER OF THE MOUNTAIN YES WHEN I PUT THE ROSE IN MY HAIR LIKE THE ANDALUSIAN GIRLS USED OR SHALL I WEAR A RED YES AND HOW HE KISSED ME UNDER THE MOORISH WALL AND I THOUGHT WELL AS WELL HIM AS ANOTHER AND THEN I ASKED HIM WITH MY EYES TO ASK AGAIN YES AND THEN HE ASKED ME WOULD I YES TO SAY YES MY MOUNTAIN FLOWER AND FIRST I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM YES AND DREW HIM DOWN JO ME SO HE COULD FEEL MY BREASTS ALL PERFUME YES AND HIS HEART WAS GOING LIKE MAD AND YES I SAID YES I WILL YES.
posted by moift at 7:57 PM on October 22, 2005
THE GREEKS AND THE JEWS AND THE ARABS AND THE DEVIL KNOWS WHO ELSE FROM ALL THE ENDS OF EUROPE AND DUKE STREET AND THE FOWL MARKET ALL CLUCKING OUTSIDE LARBY SHARANS AND THE POOR DONKEYS SLIPPING HALF ASLEEP AND THE VAGUE FELLOWS IN THE CLOAKS ASLEEP IN THE SHADE ON THE STEPS AND THE BIG WHEELS OF THE CARTS OF THE BULLS AND THE OLD CASTLE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OLD YES AND THOSE HANDSOME MOORS ALL IN WHITE AND TURBANS LIKE KINGS ASKING YOU TO SIT DOWN IN THEIR LITTLE BIT OF A SHOP AND RONDA WITH THE OLD WINDOWS OF THE POSADAS GLANCING EYES A LATTICE HID FOR HER LOVER TO KISS THE IRON AND THE WINESHOPS HALF OPEN AT NIGHT AND THE CASTANETS AND THE NIGHT WE MISSED THE BOAT AT ALGECIRAS THE WATCHMAN GOING ABOUT SERENE WITH HIS LAMP AND O THAT AWFUL DEEPDOWN TORRENT O AND THE SEA THE SEA CRIMSON SOMETIMES LIKE FIRE AND THE GLORIOUS SUNSETS AND THE FIGTREES IN THE ALAMEDA GARDENS YES AND ALL THE QUEER LITTLE STREETS AND PINK AND BLUE AND YELLOW HOUSES AND THE ROSEGARDENS AND THE JESSAMINE AND GERANIUMS AND CACTUSES AND GIBRALTAR AS A GIRL WHERE I WAS A FLOWER OF THE MOUNTAIN YES WHEN I PUT THE ROSE IN MY HAIR LIKE THE ANDALUSIAN GIRLS USED OR SHALL I WEAR A RED YES AND HOW HE KISSED ME UNDER THE MOORISH WALL AND I THOUGHT WELL AS WELL HIM AS ANOTHER AND THEN I ASKED HIM WITH MY EYES TO ASK AGAIN YES AND THEN HE ASKED ME WOULD I YES TO SAY YES MY MOUNTAIN FLOWER AND FIRST I PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM YES AND DREW HIM DOWN JO ME SO HE COULD FEEL MY BREASTS ALL PERFUME YES AND HIS HEART WAS GOING LIKE MAD AND YES I SAID YES I WILL YES.
posted by moift at 7:57 PM on October 22, 2005
VAN NUYS IS VERY NICE.
posted by veronitron at 8:35 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by veronitron at 8:35 PM on October 22, 2005
Ahem. It is now October 23rd, 2005, and it's my unfortunate duty to tell you that International Caps Lock Day is over. From this post on, only well-written text in the appropriately capitalized forms will be acceptable, and ridiculous in-line images are certainly forbidden. It has been an amusing day, but I'm afraid that another 364 days of proper English and boring regular format are ahead of us, and there's nothing we can do except what is expected of us, and discuss the important issues of the day in a calm and rational manner.
Speaking of which, it is my understanding that the President's a moron, we're all running out of gasoline, and the Earth itself has been recently discovered by scientists to be squarely placed in a huge handbasket enroute to a rather hot place. Any information the intelligent and well-spoken denizens of MetaFilter have on this matter, would be appreciated.
There's another more mundane matter that has been puzzling me; why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, yet hot dog buns come in packages of eight? Is this an accident or merely a capitalist ruse to force the American people to consume more hot dogs (or hot dog buns) than they really need to? Why has neither political party in our great country addressed this serious issue that affects all Americans, except the weenies who eat tofu and all-natural trail wheat bread? The silence has been deafening. Has our mass media been paid off by the hot dog and hot dog bun manufacturers to keep quiet?
I demand an answer.
posted by pyramid termite at 9:01 PM on October 22, 2005
Speaking of which, it is my understanding that the President's a moron, we're all running out of gasoline, and the Earth itself has been recently discovered by scientists to be squarely placed in a huge handbasket enroute to a rather hot place. Any information the intelligent and well-spoken denizens of MetaFilter have on this matter, would be appreciated.
There's another more mundane matter that has been puzzling me; why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, yet hot dog buns come in packages of eight? Is this an accident or merely a capitalist ruse to force the American people to consume more hot dogs (or hot dog buns) than they really need to? Why has neither political party in our great country addressed this serious issue that affects all Americans, except the weenies who eat tofu and all-natural trail wheat bread? The silence has been deafening. Has our mass media been paid off by the hot dog and hot dog bun manufacturers to keep quiet?
I demand an answer.
posted by pyramid termite at 9:01 PM on October 22, 2005
MERCY, DEAN. I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE THROWING DOWN THE GAUNTLET.
posted by gramschmidt at 9:03 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 9:03 PM on October 22, 2005
HA HA! U PEEPS IN REST OF WERLD R TEH FUNNAY!!!
WE HAVE MORE HOWERS OF CAPS LOCK RADICALISTICISM!!!
USA! USA! USA! USA!
posted by numlok at 9:07 PM on October 22, 2005
HA!!! HA!!! I THINK THEY R BROWSING ON METAFILTER!!!!
posted by numlok at 9:13 PM on October 22, 2005
TIME SONE SUC IT ITS ONLY 9:13 PM SATURDAY NIGHT WHAT BETTER TO DO THAN CAPS LOCK
posted by DyRE at 9:14 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by DyRE at 9:14 PM on October 22, 2005
HAY!! DONT B HATE1N!!!! I AM ON TEH METAFILTER TOO!!!
posted by numlok at 9:15 PM on October 22, 2005
I FEEL ODDLY COMPELLED TO COMMENT.
WAIT ... wait ... I can stop shouting now ...
*whew*
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:26 PM on October 22, 2005
WAIT ... wait ... I can stop shouting now ...
*whew*
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 9:26 PM on October 22, 2005
THATZ ALL FRUM ME> I HAVE TO CHECK THE NITROUS ON MY COROLLA!!!!
WORD!!!
KEEP CAP LOCKN AND POPN ALL U WEST COAST PLAYAHS!!!!!
posted by numlok at 9:28 PM on October 22, 2005
NICK DOULGAS YOU ARE THE BILLY BUSH OF THE BLOGOSPHERE
posted by moift at 11:28 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by moift at 11:28 PM on October 22, 2005
PEAK CAPS LOCK
(THIS MEANS THAT MORE THAN HALF OF THE WORLD'S CAPS LOCK SUPPLIES IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE MEANING THAT DEMAND WILL ALWAYS OUTSTRIP SUPPLY AND THEREFORE CAPSLOCKING IN GLOVED FIST WILL JEWS DID WTC LOL)
posted by LimePi at 11:40 PM on October 22, 2005
(THIS MEANS THAT MORE THAN HALF OF THE WORLD'S CAPS LOCK SUPPLIES IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE MEANING THAT DEMAND WILL ALWAYS OUTSTRIP SUPPLY AND THEREFORE CAPSLOCKING IN GLOVED FIST WILL JEWS DID WTC LOL)
posted by LimePi at 11:40 PM on October 22, 2005
I LIVE ON A COAST.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:54 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:54 PM on October 22, 2005
ONE OF THE LARGER COASTS OF THE UNITED STATES.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
IT'S NOT THE EAST ONE.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
THE OTHER ONE.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:55 PM on October 22, 2005
ACCORDING TO BILL GATES'S OS, I HAVE FOUR MINUTES OF CARPS LAORCK DAY LEFT.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:56 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:56 PM on October 22, 2005
IT WILL THEN BE UP TO HAWAIIAN METAFILTER USERS TO MAINTAIN THE CAPS LOCK DAY ETHOS.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:57 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:57 PM on October 22, 2005
I'M NOT ENTIRELY CERTAIN THEY'RE UP TO IT. THUS...
posted by gramschmidt at 11:57 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:57 PM on October 22, 2005
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posted by gramschmidt at 11:59 PM on October 22, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 11:59 PM on October 22, 2005
MUSTER MARK.
posted by gramschmidt at 12:00 AM on October 23, 2005
posted by gramschmidt at 12:00 AM on October 23, 2005
CAPS LOCK DAY
PACK SAC OLDY
SACK PLAY DOC
LADS PAY COCK
A SAD COCK PLY
ADS LACK COPY
SLACK AD COPY
CLAD AS POCKY
SKYCLAD CAPO
SOCK CAP LADY
LACK PAD COSY
posted by loquacious at 12:28 AM on October 23, 2005
PACK SAC OLDY
SACK PLAY DOC
LADS PAY COCK
A SAD COCK PLY
ADS LACK COPY
SLACK AD COPY
CLAD AS POCKY
SKYCLAD CAPO
SOCK CAP LADY
LACK PAD COSY
posted by loquacious at 12:28 AM on October 23, 2005
ROR THIS WAS THE BEST INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY EVAR...
THERE XMAS LIGHTS WERE WHITE & BLUE!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...
DENKE, MATH + OWIE
posted by Dreamghost at 2:15 AM on October 23, 2005
THERE XMAS LIGHTS WERE WHITE & BLUE!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS...
DENKE, MATH + OWIE
posted by Dreamghost at 2:15 AM on October 23, 2005
I TYPED THIS BY HOLDING DOWN SHIFT<
posted by [expletive deleted] at 3:03 AM on October 23, 2005
posted by [expletive deleted] at 3:03 AM on October 23, 2005
at teh mention of teh metafilter cabal, teh thread has been OFFICIALLY SHUT THE FUCK DOWN.
Please do not enter any other cabal, CABAL, or Cabal related anecdotes.
-Cheers
Not the MANAGEment
posted by Sparx at 3:04 AM on October 23, 2005
Please do not enter any other cabal, CABAL, or Cabal related anecdotes.
-Cheers
Not the MANAGEment
posted by Sparx at 3:04 AM on October 23, 2005
i had a dream i was the only clothed person in a roomful of naked people ... boy, was i embarrassed
posted by pyramid termite at 3:58 AM on October 23, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 3:58 AM on October 23, 2005
"SKYCLAD CAPO" MADE IT ALL WORTH IT.
ALSO, IT IS MY DUTY TO INFORM YOU COLLECTED BITCHES THAT I MAY POSSIBLY BE, IN FACT, RICK JAMES.
posted by poweredbybeard at 9:27 AM on October 23, 2005
ALSO, IT IS MY DUTY TO INFORM YOU COLLECTED BITCHES THAT I MAY POSSIBLY BE, IN FACT, RICK JAMES.
posted by poweredbybeard at 9:27 AM on October 23, 2005
AW CRAP I THOUGHT 500 WOULD BE A SURE THING/
... WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR
posted by tsarfan at 10:19 AM on October 23, 2005
... WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR
posted by tsarfan at 10:19 AM on October 23, 2005
Phew, caps lock day was awesome. I think we really showed the world how important that pinky key can be. Good job folks, see you all next year.
posted by furtive at 11:10 AM on October 23, 2005
posted by furtive at 11:10 AM on October 23, 2005
68T476U HAVE TEH PURDY MOUTHHUK7996
DEATH 2 LODETYME!!!1!
posted by dgaicun at 11:49 AM on October 23, 2005
DEATH 2 LODETYME!!!1!
posted by dgaicun at 11:49 AM on October 23, 2005
EVERY DAY IS CAPS LOCK DAY
I TOLD U I WUZ HARDCORE
posted by loquacious at 12:07 PM on October 23, 2005
I TOLD U I WUZ HARDCORE
posted by loquacious at 12:07 PM on October 23, 2005
CAPS LOK 4 LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Busithoth at 1:42 PM on October 23, 2005
posted by Busithoth at 1:42 PM on October 23, 2005
CAPS LOCK DAY WAS A FAILURE
THE 9/11 THREAD WAS LONGER AND HAD FUNNIER PICTURES
posted by moift at 8:11 PM on October 23, 2005
THE 9/11 THREAD WAS LONGER AND HAD FUNNIER PICTURES
posted by moift at 8:11 PM on October 23, 2005
THIS WAS MY FAVORITE THREAD BACK BEFORE IT WAS COOL.
posted by chasing at 6:53 AM on October 24, 2005
posted by chasing at 6:53 AM on October 24, 2005
500 OR DIE!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 8:46 AM on October 24, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 8:46 AM on October 24, 2005
OMG I"M SO MAD I MISSED THIS TWO DAYS AGO!!!111!!!!!!1111
posted by davros42 at 5:54 PM on October 24, 2005
posted by davros42 at 5:54 PM on October 24, 2005
I disabled the caps lock on my Powerbook. That's why I prefer Macs....
posted by ParisParamus at 7:41 PM on October 24, 2005
posted by ParisParamus at 7:41 PM on October 24, 2005
WHOO HOOO!!! 500ST POST!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 9:47 PM on October 24, 2005
posted by pyramid termite at 9:47 PM on October 24, 2005
HAPPY NEW 501!!!
OOOMMMGGG! TAHTS TOTA-LOL-Y NSFW!!!
posted by dgaicun at 10:16 PM on October 24, 2005
OOOMMMGGG! TAHTS TOTA-LOL-Y NSFW!!!
posted by dgaicun at 10:16 PM on October 24, 2005
SUPER INNUEND-LOL!!
502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502
3X48!!!!
posted by dgaicun at 10:07 AM on October 25, 2005
502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502 502
3X48!!!!
posted by dgaicun at 10:07 AM on October 25, 2005
OMG I JUST CLICKED HERE BY ACCIDENT FROM THE $5DOLLARN00B ANNIVERSARY THREAD BY MISTAKE AND I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE STOPPED POSTING LIKE WEEKS AGO WHEN IT'S STILL OPEN!!!!111!ELEVENTYONE!!!
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:47 AM on November 18, 2005
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:47 AM on November 18, 2005
GROUND FLOOR
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:37 PM on November 18, 2005
posted by Optimus Chyme at 2:37 PM on November 18, 2005
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This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by Krrrlson at 9:50 PM on October 21, 2005