In Soviet Russia...
December 1, 2005 12:11 PM   Subscribe

NewsFilter: Squirrels attack
posted by spinoza (56 comments total)
holy shit.

they're going to kill us all.

awesome link! thanks!
posted by Stynxno at 12:12 PM on December 1, 2005

oh shi

what a great link.
posted by dersins at 12:13 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by Busithoth at 12:14 PM on December 1, 2005

sweet link
posted by sourbrew at 12:14 PM on December 1, 2005

I better keep feeding the squirrels that come onto my deck. I wouldn't want to piss them off.
posted by shoesietart at 12:15 PM on December 1, 2005

This surprises me not at all. Squirrels are vicious beasts. The ones on my college campus were huge, ferocious and extremely territorial-- they would sit up in trees, wait for people to pass by and drop nuts and shells on them. A friend of mine also once reported seeing a squirrel trotting along carrying something in its mouth, and when she got a bit closer, she realized it was the severed head of another squirrel.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:15 PM on December 1, 2005

This thread is useless without pics.
posted by dersins at 12:20 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]

Komosmolskaya Pravda notes that in a previous incident this autumn chipmunks terrorised cats in a part of the territory.
posted by spinoza at 12:20 PM on December 1, 2005

posted by blastrid at 12:21 PM on December 1, 2005

A pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to seek other food sources, although scientists are sceptical.

Wow. Time to plant some evergreens to save the local pet population.
posted by grabbingsand at 12:21 PM on December 1, 2005

I had never heard of black squirrels before.

I had, however, heard of squirrels viciously taunting and randomly attacking other animals, especially dogs. So this isn't much of a surprise. They are creepy as hell though.
posted by fire&wings at 12:21 PM on December 1, 2005

I had a friend who raised an abandoned, baby squirrel. After it grew up a little bit, she kept it out on the screened-in porch. She swore that the thing would methodically stalk and kill the anole lizards that sometimes got inside. Squirrels are basically rats with fluffy tails.
posted by squink at 12:28 PM on December 1, 2005

One of the primary hobbies of my old suburban town (Crofton, MD. Home of.. uh...) was discussing the various non-grey squirrel sightings that took place around town. It was universal, from a gaggle of people all randomly standing under a tree, peering upwards after a mythical white squirrel to casual conversation around the swimming pool regarding the spread of the red squirrels up from Regents Park road towards Reynolds. The black squirrels got their due as well, as there was a bunch of them that lurked near the better of the two elementary schools.

So when I see the black squirrel that lives down the street from me in Somerville on Rogers Ave, the albino squirrel that hangs on Highland, or the old gang of reddish/mottled grey guys that rally in Harvard Yard, I find myself drifting into old habits and boring my poor wife to tears.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2005

*covers nuts*
posted by brain_drain at 12:29 PM on December 1, 2005

I, for one, welcome our new squirrel overlords.

/wow, now i feel kinda dirty
posted by ShawnString at 12:35 PM on December 1, 2005

Black squirrels? Meh, what about White squirrels?
posted by lyam at 12:36 PM on December 1, 2005

I like how they found four other squirrel stories to link to (in the top right). One of them has a picture of a red squirrel that looks like it had a bad dye job.
posted by smackfu at 12:40 PM on December 1, 2005

Maybe these are nomad Chernobyl squirrels that finally devoured the last of the post-meltdown zombie flesh and are now moving out in search of fresher meat. If we could only harness this awesome power for the War on Terror!
posted by spicynuts at 12:41 PM on December 1, 2005

This thread is useless without pics

posted by meehawl at 12:44 PM on December 1, 2005

I WARNED YOU ALL about the squirrels... I told you about the little blueprints I found in the oak tree out front of my house, but did you believe me? NOOooo. They're sick of acorns and nuts... they're going off carbs, and the most plentiful source of protein is the rich juicy human flesh...

The dog was just a proof of concept.
posted by xinit at 12:45 PM on December 1, 2005

Where moose and squirrel??
posted by jpburns at 12:48 PM on December 1, 2005

meehawl wins.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:53 PM on December 1, 2005

meehawl wins.

Come on, we're only 22 posts in. Let's give the game a chance to develop.
posted by spicynuts at 1:00 PM on December 1, 2005

Once squirrels organize, we're doomed I tell you, doomed!
posted by tommasz at 1:01 PM on December 1, 2005

Trust, but verify. This wouldn't be the first time the BBC has repeated a half-assed unsubstantiated animal story. Recall the three-headed frog, the telepathic parrot and the woman who gave birth to a frog.
posted by raygirvan at 1:02 PM on December 1, 2005

Meehawl raises the stakes.

posted by elwoodwiles at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2005

Too bad the dog couldn't kick box.
posted by carter at 1:12 PM on December 1, 2005

Jump'n Jee-hosaphat!

My dog was right all along. There really is an Evil Squirrel Threat! I suppose I'd better pay more attention to him in the future. His incesant warning that the cats next door were diabolical may be correct. Hmmm. I suppose we will have to launch the preemptive attack he has been on about these past three years.
posted by tkchrist at 1:14 PM on December 1, 2005're next!!

posted by QuestionableSwami at 1:17 PM on December 1, 2005

That's what y'all get for making fun of us.
posted by sciurus at 1:17 PM on December 1, 2005

posted by spicynuts at 1:20 PM on December 1, 2005

Hey robocop is bleeding,

The albino squirrel still lives? I lived in Porter 8 years or so ago and would see that guy on Elm st (I think) walking home from the T.
posted by batou_ at 1:20 PM on December 1, 2005

oh shit is that a chipmunk??? fuck. damn google.
posted by spicynuts at 1:21 PM on December 1, 2005

This thread is useless without pics

It's not a dog, or Nutkin's severed head, but:

I told them they were vicious, that if given the chance they would overthrow us all in a bloody coup. But did anyone listen? Who's crazy now, huh?
posted by kosher_jenny at 1:22 PM on December 1, 2005

Take it from a New Yorker, those were rats not squirrels. The peasants were mistaken.
posted by helcat at 1:28 PM on December 1, 2005

posted by brain_drain at 1:29 PM on December 1, 2005

See?! This is what happens when they show The Simpsons in Russia!

Nice tags, by the way.
posted by brundlefly at 1:36 PM on December 1, 2005

I wonder if this leads to an evolution of some kind where squirrels become carnivorous. The only way to prevent such an occurrence is if we immediately begin an emergency air lift of acorns.
posted by j-urb at 1:51 PM on December 1, 2005

Them squirrels is gittin' s-m-r-t!
posted by Shfishp at 1:54 PM on December 1, 2005

Poochie Strikes Back!!!
posted by Shfishp at 1:57 PM on December 1, 2005

I think I prefer Warren's tagging...

posted by xinit at 1:57 PM on December 1, 2005

this isn't some kind of metaphor.
goddamn this is real!
posted by brevator at 1:59 PM on December 1, 2005

posted by grrarrgh00 at 2:19 PM on December 1, 2005

George Bush doesn't care about black squirrels.
posted by stet at 2:38 PM on December 1, 2005

Black squirrels were fairly common where I grew up (D.C.)
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 2:39 PM on December 1, 2005

Naturelovers: Don't forget that the sweet little vegans carnivores have a few tricks up their, em ... sleeves.

posted by rob511 at 3:20 PM on December 1, 2005

So squirrels are the cute neighbors, and rats are deadbeat roommates.

It's all about the fur coat, baby. Yeah. If the rats would just dress a little better, they might be invited to more parties.

And you can't tell me nuttin about attacking squirrels. I had one go right for the throat once. Ok so maybe I was standing a little too close to the fireplace when we opened the hearth doors to see what was making so much racket, but it was right for the throat. Mano a mano... or rather womano a squirrelo.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 3:35 PM on December 1, 2005

Holy crap, Secret Life of Gravy. I hope you had all your shots.
posted by kosher_jenny at 4:13 PM on December 1, 2005

When black squirrels do it, it's "attacking and gutting." When white squirrels do it they're just feeding their starving squirrel families.
posted by Marnie at 4:14 PM on December 1, 2005

Marnie wins!
posted by thirteenkiller at 4:29 PM on December 1, 2005

brevator, you just made my day...
posted by hototogisu at 5:05 PM on December 1, 2005

it may be too late...but i hope somebody sees this---
posted by ackeber at 4:03 AM on December 2, 2005

Even if this story turns out to be apocryphal, it's very interesting to learn that squirrels will eat meat. I thought they were exclusively herbivores. I had a pet squirrel once. His name was Chutney Rubel. #1 in cuteness! I miss him.
posted by apis mellifera at 8:34 AM on December 2, 2005

I think it's pretty obvious what's happening here: Squirrels on Crack.

I used to work near a college in the area, and unlike Faint of Butt's experience the squirrels were very docile and had no problems with close human proximity, but they were rather odd, too. I could never quite place what it was about them, but most of them had patchy fur and something about their behaviour was a little off. I distinctly remember one chewing on the plastic cover of a garbage can - not to get in, mind you - it was just knawing on a relatively flat portion of the top. It was still going at it when I left 5 minutes later. And the other day I was reading a student newspaper for another local college (UW-Milwaukee) and they had a comic of some facebook groups, one of which was something along the lines of "The squirrels around here seem oddly OK with humans - does this creep anyone else out?". I don't have a facebook account, maybe someone else can confirm this?

I've unfortunately never had the pleasure of seeing a squirrel run around with another squirrels head in their mouth, but I have seen a squirrel eating the roadkill of another squirrel. Not only do they eat meat, apparently they're cannibals.
posted by nTeleKy at 10:21 AM on December 2, 2005

OK, so I got a little carried away reviewing this for stumbleupon and thought it would be a worthwhile addition... (some repeat links from above post) Also, thank you Marnie - I was really hoping someone would run with that, and I couldn't think of anything.

The squirrel crack epidemic has already swept from the US to the UK, and now a pack of squirrels in russia have killed a dog. It's blindingly obvious what's happened. Emulating their "cool" US and UK neighbors, Russian squirrels (some as young as 1 year) have taken to crack. In a bout for power these deranged, drug-addled squirrels have started forming deadly gangs to secure their turf and allow them to fend off and even kill larger animals that would get in their way. The dog may have been using up all the crack in the area or perhaps was a rival dealer encroaching on their turf. Most likely, though, this was the result of a nuts-for-crack deal gone terribly wrong. Whatever the case, watch your back, because this isn't stopping anytime soon. Though law enforcement has recently banned the consumption of crack cocaine by squirrels, one can only wonder if anyone or anything will be able to stop these deadly, drug-addicted squirrels from taking over the world.
posted by nTeleKy at 10:52 AM on December 2, 2005

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