January 4, 2001 1:33 AM   Subscribe

®™ark is looking for someone to marry a corporation. Since corporations are legal “people” — only missing the right to vote — they must have the right to marry. Perhaps Pyra is looking for a spouse?
posted by capt.crackpipe (18 comments total)
Okay, did I miss a meeting? Since when are corporations actually citizens? What lawyers came up with this garbage and why can't we kill them for it? It can't vote. It can't apply for a driver's license. It can't get married. It can't be drafted into the military. It can't pay taxes-- ..!

Oh! So that's why! If a corporation has to pay taxes, then it must be a United States citizen. It always boils down to money, doesn't it? Fine. All the more reason to kill all the lawyers and force all corporations to become unincorporated and revert to partnerships and sole proprietorships, as God intended! Show me a corporation that actually has a beating heart, and then I'll buy it. Otherwise, I don't care if it passes in the Supreme Court. It's a butt-munch of higgledy-piggledy.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:08 AM on January 4, 2001

What lawyers came up with this garbage and why can't we kill them for it?

Because for the most part, I suspect they're already dead. Corporations became sovereign something like a century ago, iirc.

If someone can marry a corporation, why not just have to corporations marry each other? Then you could have a messy "divorce settlement." (I guess that works for human-corp marriage as well...) Fun stunt.
posted by tingley at 7:40 AM on January 4, 2001

i think the hardest part would be finding a corporation willing to marry a *person*. after all, in case of a divorce, time-warner would have quite a bit to lose!
posted by jpoulos at 7:46 AM on January 4, 2001

Corporations aren't citizens, they're persons. (You don't have to be a citizen to marry.)
posted by rodii at 7:52 AM on January 4, 2001

One of my favorite aspects (and, frankly, one of the scariest) of The Truman Show was that the producing organization in that movie was the first corporation to legally adopt a child. Shiver.
posted by bradlands at 8:14 AM on January 4, 2001

How about a corporation marrying another corporation? =P
posted by PWA_BadBoy at 8:25 AM on January 4, 2001

"Hey Disney, check out Microsoft over there. Yeah, I hear he's loaded... in more ways than one, if you know what I'm saying. *giggle* Ohmigod I think he's looking over here! Quick, is there anything in my teeth?"
posted by whatnotever at 8:41 AM on January 4, 2001

Could you marry a corporation that you incorporated?

Do you have to wait until the corporation's over 18 years old?
posted by cCranium at 9:36 AM on January 4, 2001

Perhaps corporations could start adopting their employees, thereby gaining an extra little tax break. They would also gain the ability to enforce unpopular policies with "Because I'm the mommy!"
posted by mkhall at 10:13 AM on January 4, 2001

I don't think that could work unless the employees were under 18, and in such a case the employors would be responsible for room and board, education and other things. :-)

Eeep. That's a rather carbon copy SF plot line right there.
posted by cCranium at 10:27 AM on January 4, 2001

cC: Yeah, when I wrote that I was trying to remember where I had heard that idea before. (And while corps would have to provide room & board, etc., nobody says it has to be anything more than subsistance level.)

Besides, if the US economy tanks, there are probably a fair number of people who will work in exchange for nothing more than food and a roof over their head. (Which is depressingly close to my own situation, now that I think of it.)
posted by mkhall at 10:57 AM on January 4, 2001

At the risk of being redundant...
The Corps is mother. The Corps is father.
posted by Aaaugh! at 11:12 AM on January 4, 2001

I wouldn't mind marrying a corporation, but it would make a better stunt if it was notable, and somebody else's.
posted by capt.crackpipe at 12:35 PM on January 4, 2001

How does a corporation say "I do"? That's the most important part of marriage, isn't it?

(says the guy who learned his Weddin' Laws from The Princess Bride :-)
posted by cCranium at 12:51 PM on January 4, 2001

Ok, but if I marry Pyra I want a pre-nup.
posted by bondcliff at 1:27 PM on January 4, 2001

Didn't Jane Fonda pretty much already do this?
posted by Optamystic at 2:00 PM on January 4, 2001

cC: I suppose they same way they sue people. Send a representative.
posted by capt.crackpipe at 2:00 PM on January 4, 2001

Corporate Marriage - hmmm... this might be a way to slow down all the mergers and consolidations: "Time-Warner can't marry AOL! It's Bigamy!"

(If this were so, the company I work for would be an old-style Mormon...)
posted by wendell at 3:18 PM on January 4, 2001

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