My God, if I had piece of life.

December 27, 2006 1:44 PM

Gabriel Garcia Marquez's farewell letter. Better than Saddam's, that's for certain.
posted by Dreama (75 comments total)

What a wordsmith.
posted by dazed_one at 1:51 PM on December 27, 2006

My God, if I had a piece of life, I wouldn't let a single day pass without telling people I love that I love them.

I love you, people of MetaFilter.
posted by ColdChef at 1:56 PM on December 27, 2006

Garcia Marquez would never write tripe like that.
posted by vacapinta at 1:58 PM on December 27, 2006 [2 favorites]

Señor Wences, perhaps; Gabo, no.
posted by rob511 at 2:01 PM on December 27, 2006

Darn good ventriloquist, putting his words in someone else's mouth like that.

On preview, it looks like vacapinta has already blown the whistle on this one, but here's a more in-depth writeup on the fake letter and its origins.

I eagerly await Baz Luhrmann's neo-Desiderata dance remix of this poem.
posted by Spatch at 2:05 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

Sun.uma.gun! I was just about to go get a Thomas Kincade painting after reading that. You 'debunkers' are just spoilsports and nastyfaces.
posted by nj_subgenius at 2:10 PM on December 27, 2006

I don't care who wrote it; I liked it.
posted by Tambo at 2:12 PM on December 27, 2006

hmph. I liked it anyway.
posted by kalimac at 2:21 PM on December 27, 2006

C'mon. If you've read anything by him you know he didn't write that thing. I've received like this letter like fourteen times in Spanish by email. I think his wife even said once that "if he had written like that, she wouldn't have married him"
posted by micayetoca at 2:21 PM on December 27, 2006

here, in Spanish, is the website of the ventriloquist who wrote that thing "erroneously credited to Garcia Marquez."

Geez.
posted by micayetoca at 2:26 PM on December 27, 2006

Phew! I was really worried there for a moment that Marquez actually wrote such a stinky pile of soft crap.
posted by bookish at 2:36 PM on December 27, 2006

My God, if only I had
a piece of shit like this in my vitae!
I would be immortal
because I could never
live it down.

-- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
posted by melissa may at 2:38 PM on December 27, 2006 [2 favorites]

Ugh. I'm with the wife. Sorry but Saddam wins on this one, that's for sure.
posted by pleeker at 2:38 PM on December 27, 2006

Of course GG Marquez would never write with such suine secretion...because

*drum roll*

I am GG Marquez ! Damn my secret identity is spent !
posted by elpapacito at 2:45 PM on December 27, 2006

S'alright?


S'alright.
posted by LionIndex at 2:53 PM on December 27, 2006

Yeah, I immediately thought "wow, Gabo has lost his mind" when I read that garbage. Thank god it's a hoax.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 2:57 PM on December 27, 2006

I just had the entire text tatooed on my ass.
Now what?
posted by Dizzy at 2:59 PM on December 27, 2006

Garcia Marquez would never write tripe like that.

Good to know. I was just going to comment that that was a bunch of cliché crap?
posted by effwerd at 3:00 PM on December 27, 2006

Don't take it so hard Dreama, I have it on good authority that the Saddam Hussein letter was actually penned by Kuwaiti marionetteer.
posted by felix betachat at 3:00 PM on December 27, 2006

One hundred words of platitude.
posted by dhartung at 3:02 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

The real Garcia Marquez (from his Nobel speech):

A reality not of paper, but one that lives within us and determines each instant of our countless daily deaths, and that nourishes a source of insatiable creativity, full of sorrow and beauty, of which this roving and nostalgic Colombian is but one cipher more, singled out by fortune. Poets and beggars, musicians and prophets, warriors and scoundrels, all creatures of that unbridled reality, we have had to ask but little of imagination, for our crucial problem has been a lack of conventional means to render our lives believable. This, my friends, is the crux of our solitude.

And if these difficulties, whose essence we share, hinder us, it is understandable that the rational talents on this side of the world, exalted in the contemplation of their own cultures, should have found themselves without valid means to interpret us. It is only natural that they insist on measuring us with the yardstick that they use for themselves, forgetting that the ravages of life are not the same for all, and that the quest of our own identity is just as arduous and bloody for us as it was for them. The interpretation of our reality through patterns not our own, serves only to make us ever more unknown, ever less free, ever more solitary.
posted by vacapinta at 3:12 PM on December 27, 2006

Try doing research before posting nonsense that defames a good writer and exposes your gullibility.
posted by lalochezia at 3:19 PM on December 27, 2006

Well, either way, I know that when I write a farewell letter, I'm going to call it "A Genius Bids Farewell," too.
posted by koeselitz at 3:21 PM on December 27, 2006

To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I just threw up all over my keyboard.
posted by xmutex at 3:22 PM on December 27, 2006

your favorite six-year-old Internet hoax sucks
posted by matteo at 3:29 PM on December 27, 2006

Didn't like the Hooters' hot wings he brought you, xmutex?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 3:33 PM on December 27, 2006

I just threw up all over my keyboard.

I understand you can put them in the dishwasher.
posted by found missing at 3:33 PM on December 27, 2006

Try doing research

The comments at the end of the linked article call it out.
posted by owhydididoit at 3:37 PM on December 27, 2006

Here is an excerpt from the great filmmaker Bresson's farewell letter which he wrote before he died:

Little babies are angels without wings yet and mommies make their wings grow when they kiss them. A little girl is the apple of her daddy's eye because she is a growing angel. A guardian angel watches over every doggie and every baby has two guardian angels...one to wipe her tears and the other to give her butterfly kisses when she is sad.
posted by Falconetti at 3:37 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

I am GG Marquez ! Damn my secret identity is spent !
posted by elpapacito

Dude, I saw you play once in Houston, and it was fucked up. I can't believe you stuck that turkey baster all the way up your ass.
posted by papakwanz at 3:39 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

Holy fuck, that actually, sincerely made my stomach churn, Falconetti. I do not exaggerate. I actually became physically ill for a split second. Maybe I picked the right username after all.

nngh
posted by synaesthetichaze at 3:40 PM on December 27, 2006

To a child I shall give wings, but I shall let him learn to fly on his own.

I just threw up all over my keyboard.

I understand you can put them in the dishwasher.

no, found missing, you CANNOT put children in the dishwasher
posted by pyramid termite at 3:40 PM on December 27, 2006

I think you can, but the microwave for drying is a *big* mistake.
posted by found missing at 3:42 PM on December 27, 2006

It's the clothes washer you're not supposed to put them in, because it makes them dizzy
posted by InfidelZombie at 3:46 PM on December 27, 2006

well, ok, but i KNOW you're not supposed to iron them
posted by pyramid termite at 3:52 PM on December 27, 2006

Sticks and stones...
posted by Dizzy at 3:54 PM on December 27, 2006

I note with satisfaction that some shred of my sense of discernment remains to me. I didn't hear a small voice whisper "Fake," as I read, but usually Mr. Marquez makes my jaw drop, whereas this made my teeth clench.
posted by Trochanter at 4:05 PM on December 27, 2006

Funny. I usually can't stand Marquez, and this was no different to me.
posted by koeselitz at 4:24 PM on December 27, 2006

Funny. I usually can't stand Marquez, and this was no different to me.

Its never "Marquez." Even calling him Gabriel Garcia would be more correct. Sorry, this is a pet peeve. It just takes a moment to learn how Spanish surnames work.
posted by vacapinta at 4:28 PM on December 27, 2006

It's never its. Pet peeve.
posted by found missing at 4:30 PM on December 27, 2006 [2 favorites]

Well, I'd never heard of Serrat before, so props to ventriloquest.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 4:32 PM on December 27, 2006

The ventriloquist, of course.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 4:33 PM on December 27, 2006

I don't mind mangling an apostrophe if it allowed me to have my say regarding my entire genealogy being mangled.
posted by vacapinta at 4:35 PM on December 27, 2006

Perhaps you'd be willing to explain. We tend to freely call people by their last names here in the US and A.
posted by found missing at 4:37 PM on December 27, 2006

Here's a quickly googled link. Marquez is his mother's maiden name.
posted by vacapinta at 4:39 PM on December 27, 2006

Welch had written the poem for his puppet sidekick "Mofles," but somehow his name had been replaced by the name of the Nobel Prize winning author.

Ha!
posted by monju_bosatsu at 4:40 PM on December 27, 2006

Okay. I read the link. So, Marquez is the mother's family name. Why is that so insulting to you? Why is that of less value than the father's family name?
posted by found missing at 4:42 PM on December 27, 2006

Then they switched his coffee to Folgers, and Juan Valdez threw up all over his keyboard.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:44 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

and then they stuck juan's donkey in the dishwasher
posted by pyramid termite at 4:47 PM on December 27, 2006

Of greatest value is saying "Garcia Marquez" since that is the full surname - including both mother and father. Calling him Mr. Marquez assumes that his name follows the paternal english structure. But it doesn't because he's Colombian.

You can call it a simple mistake but since its so unavoidable, the only way to deal with it is to change your name around. And so those of us who grew up being called Ricardo Garcia Marquez, for example, now have to change our names to Ricardo Garcia or, worse, to Ricardo Marquez Garcia. It is irritating enough to be reminded I had to toss my real name but when the same mistake is made toward someone who is not American and should be addressed properly, it irks me because it is a reminder.

I suppose it's a cultural sensitivity issue. And a reminder of these hidden Anglo-centric things that English speakers themselves aren't aware they take for granted.
posted by vacapinta at 4:52 PM on December 27, 2006

I think he deserves to be called far worse for writing this garbage and then blaming it on a dummy.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 5:02 PM on December 27, 2006

Re: The surnames thing. I should have known that. I remember all the trouble I had finding his work in the library catalogue.
posted by Trochanter at 5:06 PM on December 27, 2006

And so those of us who grew up being called Ricardo Garcia Marquez, for example, now have to change our names to Ricardo Garcia or, worse, to Ricardo Marquez Garcia.

Why not hyphenate the two surnames as suggested in your link above?
posted by mullacc at 5:34 PM on December 27, 2006

Reading his autobiography now. He has thus far made no mention of the letter or the ventriloquist. And his family/friend name is Gabo, I believe? Can we just call him that?
posted by rleamon at 5:51 PM on December 27, 2006

[Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, the idiot writer was to remember the distant afternoon when he tied this mawkish offal to the name of Garcia Marquez, and allow this thought to escape his doomed and inward-spiraling mind: What the fuck was I thinking?]
posted by adamgreenfield at 5:53 PM on December 27, 2006

Whew!

I read that and thought it was totally off key for what I'd expect from GGM.
posted by donovan at 6:01 PM on December 27, 2006

rleamon, if the book you are reading is Vivir para contarla (Living to tell the tale) it wont mention it. That book was meant as the first part of two about his life, it doesnt cover all of his life.
posted by micayetoca at 6:06 PM on December 27, 2006

It's Raining Florence Henderson: Then they switched his coffee to Folgers, and Juan Valdez threw up all over his keyboard.

That was exceeeeeeeeedingly funny.

On the keyboard-vomit tip, once when I worked in tech support, I got this phonecall:

Them: "Uh... I think I need a new keyboard."
Me: "Why is that?"
Them: "Because I, uh, kinda threw up on it."
(Me, thinking to myself: "How do you kinda throw up on something?")
Me: "Oooook, here's what I need you to do... first, rinse the keyboard off in the sink. Be very, very thorough..." (more directions, all the while thinking "Ha. I'm gonna have to send the kid a new keyboard anyway, might as well have some fun with the poor hungover bastard.")
posted by bitter-girl.com at 6:12 PM on December 27, 2006

That's nearly as, um, inspiring as the "Kurt Vonnegut MIT Commencement Speech."
posted by FelliniBlank at 6:21 PM on December 27, 2006

that's nearly as inspiring as "picture of Kerry awkwardly getting hit in face with football compared to picture of Bush gracefully catching football."
posted by drjimmy11 at 6:34 PM on December 27, 2006

When I retire from public life, my fondest hope is to have that one email about how Swiffer Wet-Jets will totally kill all of your pets, attributed to me.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 8:48 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

Serious question: is it acceptable to refer to Jorge Luis Borges as "Borges"?
posted by Falconetti at 8:55 PM on December 27, 2006

so, this thread hasn't been deleted yet, huh?
posted by shmegegge at 9:49 PM on December 27, 2006

That link is as broken as G.W. Bush's soul. As broken as Laura K. Bush's marriage vows. (yes I have some insider info, Laura is a slut and a half)
posted by delmoi at 10:10 PM on December 27, 2006

Falconetti, I am not joking when I say that I wish we were in the same 200-level lit course.

Magical realist? Wacky Vegas pianist? Who among us can say which 20th century master of his craft has earned the right to be referred to by surname alone?
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 10:55 PM on December 27, 2006

That's nearly as, um, inspiring as the "Kurt Vonnegut MIT Commencement Speech."

Hey, Wear Sunscreen is awesome. It wasn't Vonnegut, but Mary Schmich wrote a great column.

It just takes a moment to learn how Spanish surnames work.

I think I understand. There are, like, five Spanish surnames in all, so to distinguish between yourselves you combine them in different ways, right?
posted by dhartung at 12:11 AM on December 28, 2006

Falconetti: Serious question: is it acceptable to refer to Jorge Luis Borges as "Borges"?

I was just wondering this as well. From Wikipedia:

Borges was born in 1899 in Buenos Aires. His full name was Jorge Francisco Isidoro Luis Borges Acevedo. In accordance with Argentine custom, he never used his entire name.

So there you go.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 3:14 AM on December 28, 2006

is it acceptable to refer to Jorge Luis Borges as "Borges"?

ATB Hooks beat me to it, but yeah, Argentines tend to be easier to deal with (must be the Italian influence). Other famous Spanish speakers are also known only by the paternal name; Fidel Castro, for example, is actually Fidel Castro Ruz.
posted by languagehat at 6:00 AM on December 28, 2006

Yes folks, many Spanish speakers use both surnames, in which case one should refer to them by both of their surnames or by the first surname. Some people choose to have just one last name (and that's increasingly common.) Others use the second surname (their mother's) mostly because their father's last name is common, but two surnames is the 'default'. The two surnames are never hyphenated. Actually it isn't that complicated a system, but like vacapinta, this is a pet peeve of mine too...
posted by ob at 7:37 AM on December 28, 2006

vacapinta: "I suppose it's a cultural sensitivity issue. And a reminder of these hidden Anglo-centric things that English speakers themselves aren't aware they take for granted."

Indeed. Imagine the difficulty I went through explaining to people why I wasn't giving them my maternal surname when I lived in Spain. Just to let you know: it was just as difficult. Cultures don't do this because they're "insensitive" or to annoy other people; they do it because being generic enough to embrace every practice of every culture would be impossible.

But you make a good point. It's a mistake I should've gotten over years ago. Sorry.
posted by koeselitz at 9:17 AM on December 28, 2006

Oh, and p.s.: you didn't have to change your name. I know plenty of people who didn't; although it's enough of a hassle that I understand not wanting to go through it. In any case, I'm sorry for the disrespect it causes; I know it's pretty silly-seeming.
posted by koeselitz at 9:18 AM on December 28, 2006

Whew. I clicked on this this thread thinking, "What, he's dead!?" I was relieved to find a six-year-old hoax...
posted by mr_roboto at 3:13 PM on December 28, 2006

The linked page is devoid of content. It does have working links to Previous & Next articles. Has Jim Walsh just nuked his article without so much as an explantion?

Pinocchio could write better prose than Johhny Welsh's Puppet.
posted by goshling at 4:04 PM on December 28, 2006

it's sometimes 'its,' dunces.
posted by ism at 1:09 PM on December 29, 2006

your the dunce
posted by found missing at 5:08 PM on December 29, 2006