I know a pug who is going to get lucky tonight!
April 18, 2007 10:18 AM   Subscribe

If you took the concept of a cat scratching post, and replaced "cat" with "Horny Dog" and "Scratching Post" with "Hollowed Out Fuckdoll," you'd have the Hotdoll.
posted by jonson (78 comments total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Who's going to clean it?
posted by 2sheets at 10:21 AM on April 18, 2007


I don't know how I've managed to live this long without knowing that such a thing existed. And I don't know how long I can continue to live knowing that it does.
posted by Dave Faris at 10:21 AM on April 18, 2007


Could be a winner if marketing doesn't screw the pooch.
posted by Abiezer at 10:26 AM on April 18, 2007 [7 favorites]


So does one keep this hidden, as one would a human sex doll, only bringing it out when Fido has been and extra good boy? It seems to me that maximum utility would be achieved by just having it sitting around, ready for whenever Barkley starts feeling randy. I think this would work out okay unless you have a middle school-aged boy in your house. They are just too curious for their own good.
posted by PhatLobley at 10:30 AM on April 18, 2007


Oh dear.

So, I don't know anything about dogs, so maybe I'm way off-base here, but doesn't neutering your fucking dog deal with this problem as well?
posted by roll truck roll at 10:30 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Christ, what an asshole.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:31 AM on April 18, 2007 [5 favorites]


This dog -- it vibrates?
posted by Devils Rancher at 10:32 AM on April 18, 2007


Look at these dolls Michael...they're so hot.

-G.O.B.
posted by 2bucksplus at 10:36 AM on April 18, 2007


So, I don't know anything about dogs, so maybe I'm way off-base here, but doesn't neutering your fucking dog deal with this problem as well?
posted by roll truck roll


Neutered dogs still hump.
posted by NationalKato at 10:37 AM on April 18, 2007


Fucking dogs!
posted by knapah at 10:38 AM on April 18, 2007


Questions inquiring minds want to know:

1) How many prototypes were necessary to develop this product?
2) How much testing was done? How many dogs were involved?
3) Did they have a means of measuring doggy satisfaction?
4) Did they need to raise capital? How did they sell this to the investors?
5) Is this patented? What does the clerk at the patent office say to such a thing? (also, are there any competing products previously patented?)
6) How much profit will this result in?

If I'm going to live my life knowing such things exist, I might as well take the full plunge into madness.
posted by yeloson at 10:39 AM on April 18, 2007


Surprised it isn't called hotdog.
posted by nickyskye at 10:40 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


So, I don't know anything about dogs, so maybe I'm way off-base here, but doesn't neutering your fucking dog deal with this problem as well?

No.

Previous AskMe discussion about dogs' masturbatory habits and improvised sex toys here.

Our dog was neutered when he was 7 or 8 weeks old. I don't see the point of a sexdoll for him, though - he just gets it on with his (summer) dog bed. He humps it until he falls over, then blows himself.
posted by dilettante at 10:40 AM on April 18, 2007


I have some friends who have a cat that likes to fuck a sock toy when there's music going. Sort of thing that makes you wonder if this product is a waste of cash.
posted by cortex at 10:41 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Now I have to buy sex toys for my dog? I wish the economy would hurry up and fucking collapse already.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:43 AM on April 18, 2007 [14 favorites]


No. Just no.
posted by MarshallPoe at 10:46 AM on April 18, 2007


I swear there's motion blur on that first pic.
posted by Dr-Baa at 10:47 AM on April 18, 2007


so, so wrong.
posted by parmanparman at 10:47 AM on April 18, 2007


They should make one with a Dick Cheney head. That would be hilarious.
posted by Mr_Zero at 10:48 AM on April 18, 2007 [3 favorites]


And put it out in the front yard.
posted by Mr_Zero at 10:48 AM on April 18, 2007


Thanks for the explanations, guys. I really didn't know.

I've added this to the list of reasons why dogs creep me out.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:48 AM on April 18, 2007


My dogs just hump each other. And then exchange blowjobs. Good family fun!
posted by Roger Dodger at 10:50 AM on April 18, 2007


metafilter: He humps it until he falls over, then blows himself.
posted by vronsky at 10:52 AM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: a wispy coil of friction-singed dog-fur smoke
sorry
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 10:52 AM on April 18, 2007


If Bush had had one of these when he was a boy, the world would be a whole lot better place today.
posted by chance at 10:56 AM on April 18, 2007


So, this is where we're at, huh?
posted by Bookhouse at 10:56 AM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


I'd fuck it.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:58 AM on April 18, 2007


The person who is going to buy this for their dog is probably also going to fuck it.
posted by kosem at 11:02 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Oh, well. On preview, Astro Zombie has spoken.
posted by kosem at 11:02 AM on April 18, 2007


Great photoshop work.
posted by IronLizard at 11:04 AM on April 18, 2007


I had no idea dogs liked to hump this much. I guess all the dogs I've lived with in the past were more...discrete. Also, I now feel like a total prude now because I've never seen a dog give another dog a blowjob. Right then, it's off to the internets with me. This could take a while.
posted by Wonderwoman at 11:12 AM on April 18, 2007


I've decided not to look at the link. But I will tell you that there is a stretchy little dachshund toy in the living room that my little spayed puppy firmly believes is her boyfriend. And once in a while, generally only for company, SHE will hump IT. (She has to because he generally plays hard to get.)

Lately she gets far more action than I do, actually.
posted by miss lynnster at 11:14 AM on April 18, 2007


I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW, YOU HUMAN BASTARDS - CAUSE YOUR GROWING UNDERSTANDING OF ROBOTICS WILL ONLY OPEN THE DOOR TO-

----



----



-HUH-HUH-HUH, I SAID "DOOR".

posted by Smart Dalek at 11:24 AM on April 18, 2007


Ye've urges ye scarce understand
An' sure a fake bitch may seem grand
But Laddie, me boy,
Ye'll need nae sich toy
If I give ye a wee helpin' hand.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:24 AM on April 18, 2007 [6 favorites]


Humping behavior generally isn't acceptable in the world that modern dogs live in. If you think that's great, then fine, let your dog go hump-crazy in its own home. But if your dog starts humping my dog when we're out for a stroll, that's just rude. Humpy dogs at dog parks are not good citizens of their world.

So a toy like this, that encourages humping behavior... OK, it's hilarious, but it plays to the worst kind of dog owner.
posted by gurple at 11:25 AM on April 18, 2007


The head looks like a duck's head.
posted by Burhanistan at 11:25 AM on April 18, 2007


I love the faux-OXO design sensibility. If you're going to share your space with a plastic screw-pooch, make sure it's sleekly functional with a whimsical flare. Just because your dog will pound anything doesn't mean your own standards shouldn't be set high.
posted by maryh at 11:25 AM on April 18, 2007


No thanks, I'm going to wait for the AIBO rev.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:27 AM on April 18, 2007


Humpy dogs at dog parks are not good citizens of their world.

Sometimes I think you should let your dogs be...um, I don't know...dogs when they're in a dog park. You know, since you're supposedly bringing them there to socialize and have fun and sniff asses and such.

Or are you the type of owner that also smacks your dog's nose when he licks himself? You know, because it's just so socially irresponsible.
posted by NationalKato at 11:29 AM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


I'm tempted to send this to my sister. Her in-laws got their lap mutt a Winnie the Pooh doll, because nothing says sanitary fun at Grammy & Poppa's like a tattered dog-spit and semen sodden plushie lying on the floor where the grandkids can get at it.

Still, it's better than my old neighbors, who got their dog a cat.
Poor, poor cat.

posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:34 AM on April 18, 2007


"Well well well, Scraps is a boy dog, isn't he?"
posted by mosk at 11:39 AM on April 18, 2007


Humping behavior generally isn't acceptable in the world that modern dogs live in. If you think that's great, then fine, let your dog go hump-crazy in its own home. But if your dog starts humping my dog when we're out for a stroll, that's just rude. Humpy dogs at dog parks are not good citizens of their world.

That's why I only keep my dog in my purse when I go out. And is there some way I can get my dog to stop expelling excrement? It's just so rude - am I wrong to suppose that that is something tolerated by the worst kind of dog owners?

Really, though, you should probably just stick to cats. That or hold off on getting a dog until they are genetically engineered to be perfect creatures with no anuses or genitalia, cannot bark, and smell always like rose petals.
posted by billysumday at 11:39 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Or are you the type of owner that also smacks your dog's nose when he licks himself? You know, because it's just so socially irresponsible.

No, I'm not. Thanks for asking.

Dog ownership strategies are very personal and can arouse strong emotions. I'm sure we all have ideas of what bad dog owners are like and I'm sure those ideas are similar in some ways (smacking the dog is universally not good) and different in others (I think encouraging aggressive/dominant behavior is not good, and others will disagree).
posted by gurple at 11:39 AM on April 18, 2007


Lay off gurple ya buncha nature boys, I'm going to be pissed too if your dog starts trying to fuck mine. Objecting to your dog involuntarily catching a dick is not the same as prancing around with a scented hanky complaining about all the ordure.
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:43 AM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


You haven't lived till you've seen a steer hump a hog.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:48 AM on April 18, 2007 [5 favorites]


Yeah, here's the thing about humping. Unless I've been paying attention to your dog ahead of time, when your dog starts humping my dog, I don't know if he's been neutered or not. If so, I'll be annoyed, but no real harm done, since my dog isn't aggressive and won't start a serious fight to get him to stop.

If not, though, that is, if your dog is ass-raping my dog, then that's not a situation anyone involved would want to be in.

And thanks, D_W, I do indeed scoop my dog's poop with gusto.
posted by gurple at 11:50 AM on April 18, 2007


Lay off gurple ya buncha nature boys, I'm going to be pissed too if your dog starts trying to fuck mine. Objecting to your dog involuntarily catching a dick is not the same as prancing around with a scented hanky complaining about all the ordure.

True enough. And catching a dick from an anonymous dog is a little different from getting a fuckdoll for Barky McHumpsalot, no? My roommate's two female dogs enjoy humping each other from time to time. No dicks exchanged, just good old fashioned bump'n and grind'n. Must he be accused of being "the wrong kind of dog owner"? Geezey cow. I'm not sure where the connection between "buy your dog a hump toy" and "allow your dog to indiscrimately hump strange dogs" manifested itself, besides in gurple's mind.
posted by billysumday at 11:51 AM on April 18, 2007


gurple, sure my response was a bit extreme. But you misunderstand why I quoted your single sentence:

Humpy dogs at dog parks are not good citizens of their world. [emph mine]

If you're going to opine that buying a fucktoy for your dog constitutes 'the worst kind of dog owner,' then let's remember that you don't speak for the dog. Humping and sniffing and all the things dogs do socially is perfectly acceptable in their world.
posted by NationalKato at 11:52 AM on April 18, 2007


Ours swears by his stuffed manta ray. An obvious fetish object, he humps anything else while it's in his mouth (except people -- too shy/embarassed I think).

Were gonna get him the big plush rainbow penis in Amsterdam for the entertainment factor alone (ours), but he loves that manta.

if your dog starts humping my dog when we're out for a stroll, that's just rude

Dog ownership strategies are very personal and can arouse strong emotions


Try this for a "strategy". Your dog is a living, breathing creature, same as you. There's training, and then there's letting your own hangups get in the way of your dog being a dog.

I disagree with billysumday. Forget a cat. They, you know, do cat things. Try a tamagochi.
posted by dreamsign at 11:54 AM on April 18, 2007


Fair enough, billysumday, and that's why I said if you want to let your dog hump whatever it likes behind closed doors, that's none of my business.

The correlation between that and aggressive humpy behavior in dog parks and on the street is indeed there in my mind. It may not be all that strong a correlation, but it's in my mind because of several dogs I've met over the years.

If a dog knows that humpy-time is only for inanimate objects or well-known dogs that don't mind, I don't have any beef with the way the owner is training it.
posted by gurple at 11:55 AM on April 18, 2007


On preview, what billysumday said: no one was jumping to the conclusion that by buying this toy all of a sudden canine rape statistics were going to skyrocket. Well, no one other than you, of course.

But you did mention dog parks and the last time I was at a true dog park, where dogs are off-leash and having a blast running around like maniacs, the 'worst' dog owners were the ones trying to micromanage the behavior and generally freaking out.
posted by NationalKato at 11:56 AM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


I know an old guy so broke he sometimes eats canned dog food. I hope he never hears about this. Although the company that sell them probably doesn't accept returnable cans as currency anyway.
posted by BostonJake at 11:58 AM on April 18, 2007


If you're going to opine that buying a fucktoy for your dog constitutes 'the worst kind of dog owner,'

Fair enough, that was way too strong -- I had a certain kind of dog owner in mind when I said that, and it included a lot of other stuff. I had in my mind dog owners who actively encourage aggression in their dogs. Bad gurple, no biscuit.
posted by gurple at 11:59 AM on April 18, 2007


Our cat gets all Its Business Time Oh Yeah with a fake polar bear rug we have. Twitching hindquarters, glazed eyes, the whole nine yards.
posted by everichon at 12:02 PM on April 18, 2007


I would click on the link, but g-d knows what kind of spam I'd start getting.
posted by modernerd at 12:03 PM on April 18, 2007


Well, I know of at least one dog who most likely does not need this thing.
posted by fidgets at 12:04 PM on April 18, 2007


That's why I only keep my dog in my purse when I go out....And is there some way I can get my dog to stop expelling excrement?

Are you 개똥녀 -- the dog-poop girl? ;-)
posted by ericb at 12:10 PM on April 18, 2007


Only one of my two dogs likes to hump, and she is a spayed female. She just occasionally likes to grab an old blanket and give it a good time.

The only other pet we have that does anything like this is one of our neutered male cats. The funny thing is that we rarely see him do it; the only way we know it's been done is that there will be a t-shirt/ towel/ sock/ whatever on the floor where there wasn't one before. My favorite part is the distances he is willing to go to get some privacy. The current record was from the laundry room in the basement, up two flights of stairs to outside of my spare bedroom.

I've often thought of placing cameras throughout the house just to document this silliness.
posted by quin at 12:18 PM on April 18, 2007


Oh, and as to this toy? This just further demonstrates that I will never be rich. Because like so many things before it (yellow magnetic ribbons, rubber band bracelets, beanie babies...) I would never have even considered marketing something that dumb.

Because no one would ever buy it. Right?
posted by quin at 12:20 PM on April 18, 2007


This would make a great gift... for me to poop on!
posted by glug at 12:21 PM on April 18, 2007 [2 favorites]


Obligatory plate of beans reference.
posted by Happy Dave at 12:24 PM on April 18, 2007


Is it dishwasher safe?
posted by nevercalm at 12:31 PM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Right now, there's a factory worker in Taiwan watching these doggy sex dolls roll off the assembly line and thinking What in the fuck is wrong with you, America?
posted by Gamblor at 12:49 PM on April 18, 2007 [12 favorites]


I have a number of cat toys that my cat will not deign to play with, instead choosing to find small plastic objects in the trash and liberate them only to spend hours hunting them down and repeatedly killing them.

The nature of pets suggests that this would also happen with the Doggy Fuckdoll - you buy your dog this doll to hump because he was humping your pillows and your neighbors, and the dog ignores it and continues his torrid love affair with upholstery. And there you are, having wasted a lot of money and you're crying "Fido, why won't you hump your dollie?"

And don't you just feel stupid then.

(You're still nowhere near as dumb as the person who thought that this was a good idea in the first place.)

(Unless it's just an elaborate joke, in which case, BRILLIANT!)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 12:57 PM on April 18, 2007


They should have named it Fifi for Fido™
posted by Rhomboid at 12:58 PM on April 18, 2007


Hollowed Out Fuckdoll

I so know what name I'm using for my next sockpuppet account.
posted by Gamblor at 1:08 PM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


Just get him a Pikachu doll.
posted by homunculus at 1:27 PM on April 18, 2007


Man! I really need to get one of these.
Uh, for my dog I mean.


“Questions inquiring minds want to know:
1) How many prototypes were necessary to develop this product?
2) How much testing was done? How many dogs were involved?”

And...what did the memos look like?

“To: Development Board
From: Engineering staff
Re: anus - want one?”

And the meetings:

Gentlemen, we are faced with significant challenges to create and develop products within the competative dog sex market. In rethinking the physical solutions and fluidic distribution vis-a-vie a core strategy shift away from the implimentation of an anus slash *hand gesture* canine semen repository we can help the engineering staff develop methodology conducive to a market solution or a market *air quote* doggie solution aligned with process and quality within a semen reception framework. We’ve researched a diverse cross spectrum of canine phalluses *chart* and doggie body styles with consultants with deep skills in the core plastics and animal comfort industries. Their knowlege base and synergy within the implicit goal of tacitly or explicitly delivering and architecting a quality canine experiance aligned with environment wide owner values framework *powerpoint* enabled them to achieve a final product *makes triangle with thumbs and forefingers* aligned with our vision, mission and core values.
Are there any questions?
*arms akimbo*
Yes, in the back?
“Uh, dogs fuck it, right?”
Yes, that’s correct, Mr. Johnson, canines insert their phalluses and deposit fluid into the recepticle. Any others?
“We’re gonna make money on this?”
Yes, yes, we are.
posted by Smedleyman at 2:28 PM on April 18, 2007 [5 favorites]


Hump Ubu, hump. Good boy.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 2:48 PM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


So does this thing come in a roughly waist high great dane model? I think I need one.

Seriously though this is just a photoshop project. I mean these things do not physically exist.

Besides, that little rubber tail would totally chafe my belly....
posted by Telf at 3:01 PM on April 18, 2007


"...you know, for kids dogs!"
posted by oneirodynia at 3:09 PM on April 18, 2007


Arf!
posted by trondant at 3:47 PM on April 18, 2007


You ain't ruttin' like a hound-dog.
posted by rob511 at 5:10 PM on April 18, 2007


The HotDoll is available from the amazing FeelAddicted site, but I feel a bit icky now clicking on "Enter".

Entertaining reading there in charmingly bad Frenglish about the gizmo and other odd, wonderfully designed, fun/futuristic gadgets.
posted by nickyskye at 6:22 PM on April 18, 2007


We are living in the 21st century.
posted by jefbla at 7:17 PM on April 18, 2007 [1 favorite]


hold off on getting a dog until they are genetically engineered to be perfect creatures with no anuses or genitalia, cannot bark, and smell always like rose petals

Dude... sign me up, that sounds awesome. Although if it could cook or do my laundry too, I'd pay extra for that. Until then, cats are close enough for me (after all, if I don't notice my cat's occasional hairballs long enough, she usually just eats them anyway! self-cleaning).
posted by wildcrdj at 7:40 PM on April 18, 2007


Related: Jean-Claude van Damme pitches a tent (YouTube)
posted by rob511 at 9:38 PM on April 18, 2007


This one really blurs the line in the "Dog Toy or Sex Toy?" quiz.
posted by Foosnark at 6:52 AM on April 19, 2007


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