12-year-old Brittney Cleary wants /you/ to IM her!
April 29, 2001 2:29 PM   Subscribe

You are doing yourself a disservice if you do not download the mp3 immediately.
posted by ericost at 2:32 PM on April 29, 2001

This is nearly as bad as Brooke Allison's (nee Brooke Adams) song "The Kiss Off (Goodbye)" which features, you guessed it, the AOL signoff sound saying "Goodbye" in the hook.

On the other hand, Prince and Kate Bush did a song about 5 years ago with the AOL sounds in it, and it was actually not that bad, aside from the novelty aspect of the AOL sound being incorporated in it.
posted by anildash at 2:33 PM on April 29, 2001

The more I think about this, the more cynical and calculated this sounds. I know we've talked about this before, but this kind of pre-planning is getting revolting.

I somehow suspect the reaction would be less supportive if someone had written telegraph or phone songs when those technologies were still novel. Is it just me, or do these kinds of disposable references irreparable cheapen no just a song, but an artist? I'm no great Whitney Houston fan, in fact I enjoy her more for the requisite crack-smoking/incredibly sweaty jokes. But hearing her sing about Caller ID in a song made me cringe.

Is this some trend? And why is it still cool to sing about shell accounts?

Also: Brooke Adams Allison's CD sucks, and her management team is a bunch of talentless, clueless hacks. This concludes my extended editorial.
posted by anildash at 2:44 PM on April 29, 2001

I just downloaded the mp3 and started listening - it was right about when she got to the lyric about how her "buddy list is growing all the time" that my roommate had to physically restrain me to prevent me from ramming a pencil through my eardrums.
posted by varmint at 2:59 PM on April 29, 2001

>And why is it still cool to sing about shell accounts?

Because that song is done with a wink! Brittney Cleary sings like she actually means it.
posted by ericost at 3:04 PM on April 29, 2001

Also, don't miss the mp3.com band Fire Ants' wonderful song about virtual reality: website. I think they really mean it.
posted by ericost at 3:15 PM on April 29, 2001

12-year-old Brittney Cleary needs to learn how to close her coddamned <table> tags so that her site shows up in Netscape. Ugh.

And why is it still cool to sing about shell accounts?

And why do people still think that Kottke is the arbiter of cool?
posted by Danelope at 3:38 PM on April 29, 2001

I've never seen a web presence that made me so immediately nauseous.
posted by amoeba at 4:06 PM on April 29, 2001

it's not her fault; three people wrote the song, none of whom were her.
posted by register at 4:16 PM on April 29, 2001

I didn't think Jason is the arbiter of cool, he's too busy enjoying the briny taste of urine. Decidedly uncool. I like the Barcelona song. I was just trying to figure out why.

I'm suspecting that it's because you have to be so much geekier to get the joke.
posted by anildash at 4:21 PM on April 29, 2001

The difference, is that it *is* a joke.
posted by ericost at 4:23 PM on April 29, 2001

This song had me laughing out loud - is it the first one to use "jpeg" in a semi-serious fashion?

The keyboards remind me of Van Halen's "Jump". The lyrics remind me of a frontal lobotomy. The vocals are midway between listening to a Kenny G concert and drinking WD-40. The bridge is as enjoyable as eating moldy cheese on moldy bread.

In summary, it sounds like it's perfect for AOL.

Watch for my new song, coming soon, called "I'm Gonna Gopher My Love (Through Your Telnet Or FTP)".
posted by hijinx at 4:26 PM on April 29, 2001

I particularly enjoy the watered-down distorted guitar. It's eunich rock! Also, I never realized how stupid "LOL" and "G2G" and "BRB" sound when said aloud. My God. A fine example of calculated debachary.
posted by jeanhank at 4:51 PM on April 29, 2001

I had the same reaction as Varmint. I immediately tore my ears from my head. That is heinous.
posted by a3matrix at 5:08 PM on April 29, 2001

I can't believe I'm the first to say this: SHE'S TWELVE YEARS OLD. DID YOU LOOK AT THE PHOTOS? TWELVE.
posted by lbergstr at 5:51 PM on April 29, 2001

I mean, others have mentioned her age, but not in conjunction with the questionable way she's being packaged.
posted by lbergstr at 5:52 PM on April 29, 2001

Just because she's 12 doesn't mean she should have to sing crappy songs. I think it was Britney Spears that had a song titled 'E-mail me my heart" or some shit like that.
posted by howa2396 at 6:21 PM on April 29, 2001

I'd agree lbergstr, a 12 year old in leather pants w/ midriff = $money$ in the bank
posted by mathowie at 6:24 PM on April 29, 2001

Apparently she's managed by some outfit called "Integrity Development". Go figure.
posted by pascal at 7:11 PM on April 29, 2001

She sure doesn't look 12 to me. A dumb publicity stunt? Nah, probably not, but hell, she looks at least 16 to me.

Perhaps I'll remember that line in court.
posted by wackybrit at 7:28 PM on April 29, 2001

Oh, and the best song with a computer/nerd sound in it?

"Where Boys Fear to Tread" by the Smashing Pumpkins, with the DOOM barrel explosion sound in it. Of course, you have to be older than 12 to know that one.
posted by wackybrit at 7:30 PM on April 29, 2001

Okay, sorry to blitz this thread, but I just downloaded the tune. If you aren't sure whether to get it or not, you must! It's absolutely fecking hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing. It completely sums up most of the 12-16 female population on the net. (The bit where they're all chatting is the funniest)

The girl has tried hard, and made a fairly good song. She even sounds a tiny bit like Leann Rimes. Sadly, for anyone over 16 it's bound to be a complete jokefest. So enjoy it while you can..
posted by wackybrit at 7:46 PM on April 29, 2001

wackybrit, I have to say as a 17 year old that she looks 13 max... not at all near 16. :)
posted by swank6 at 8:53 PM on April 29, 2001

I'm too lazy to download the mp3, but I just have to say that I followed the photo link mathowie posted, and Brittney Cleary looks like a renegade Olsen (as in Mary Kate and Ashley). Ugh.
posted by lia at 12:34 AM on April 30, 2001

Now hot in Europe: 16-years-old Alizée, who actually has a hit with: 'Moi Lolita'.
That seems to be close to the truth. These kids are exploited as lolita's.
posted by nonharmful at 3:55 AM on April 30, 2001

Is 12 even old enough to be a Lolita? Geez. How sad. :-(
posted by darren at 7:08 AM on April 30, 2001

As exploited as Lolita's what? Urp. Never mind -- I don't want to know. (For what it's worth, she was 14 in the novel. Which is great, one of Nabokov's best.)
posted by snarkout at 7:13 AM on April 30, 2001

I think she forgot WTF?
posted by SentientAI at 8:01 AM on April 30, 2001

darren & snarkout: In Nabokov's book, Lolita was 12. That was Humbert's obsession with that age and girls being "nymphets".
posted by bison at 9:11 AM on April 30, 2001

But cheese without mold is, what, milk?
posted by websavvy at 9:19 AM on April 30, 2001

FWIW she seems to sing well, imho, and even to my jaded middle-aged eyes (through which more and more people are looking horribly young) she doesn't look 16 - look at her face and shape, not just her navel :-)

Sorry I'm not as disgusted as other posts here, but to my ears it sounds like some kind of poppy country western thing - I'm not sure that's a category that really divides into good and bad, is it?
posted by andrew cooke at 10:04 AM on April 30, 2001

C'mon, it's all an fbi pedo trap. You know it.
posted by DiplomaticImmunity at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2001

does anyone else think that this could be the harbinger of immediate apocalypse?
posted by gnutron at 11:28 AM on April 30, 2001

Alizée is great, and I have her CD :-) She's got a good pair of lungs on 'er. One of the best music act's Web sites I've seen for a long time too.. seems those Frenchies know how to make cool sites.
posted by wackybrit at 12:00 PM on April 30, 2001

Goodness, feelinglistless, I think my eyes are actually bleeding pinkness now.

posted by cCranium at 12:02 PM on April 30, 2001

Perhaps I just don't think she looks 12 because in the UK, all girls look pathetically immature until they hit 17. You Americans mature too damn fast. It's all those hamburgers or something.
posted by wackybrit at 12:03 PM on April 30, 2001

Was she twelve? Really? Bad memory! Bad! Well, it's an excuse to re-read the book.
posted by snarkout at 1:31 PM on April 30, 2001

yup, she was twelve, and the "guidelines" for a nymphet lie between ~9-13. all these 17 year olds labeled lolitas just because they're hot are not really as such - just as people who want such girls are not pedophiles.

*walks away, twiddling thumbs, whistling*
posted by pikachulolita at 2:57 PM on April 30, 2001

From her website.. "Fav Subject in school: Lunch! Then science."
posted by thirdball at 8:25 PM on April 30, 2001

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