alright there's the ghosts ......... see that?

February 11, 2009 6:29 PM

Watching Conan the Barbarian with Arnold - DVD commentary track highlights (SLYT)
posted by sloe (50 comments total)

There should be one of these for Total Recall.

"Hello I am AHNOLD, AND THIS IS ME RUNNING TOWARD THE SCREEN"

"This is where my character learns he can kill four people at once"

"no respect for the living, or the dead."

and those are all in the first 15 minutes
posted by Large Marge at 6:51 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Conan the Barbarian was one of the first DVDs I ever bought, and the commentary track is almost better than the movie. Especially that really long gap - silence - until they come back to mention that one of the women is/was hot. He completely identifies with the character ("this is where I killed him" and such). He and Mr. D. sound completely wasted.

This, though, isn't nearly as awesome as the real deal.
posted by sadiehawkinstein at 6:56 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Aaaand that's the last push I needed to decide on purchasing a Conan the Barbarian DVD. Holy shit is that filled with win.
posted by EatTheWeek at 7:02 PM on February 11, 2009

Good news, large marge, there is. And it's exactly like that.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 7:03 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

This was beautiful. Now I have to go get the DVD, thanks a *lot*.
eetz lahk a aaahkaseltah cahmuhshal
posted by Mizu at 7:05 PM on February 11, 2009

"Zee hau shee holdz zee snake?"
posted by vibrotronica at 7:07 PM on February 11, 2009

Right in the soup.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 7:07 PM on February 11, 2009 [2 favorites]

Anyone heard the commentary for Wonderland, where the director compares himself to Kurosawa? What about the one for Blood Simple where it's said that M Emmet Walsh had gout and all his walking scenes were done with him suspended from the ceiling so that his feet didn't touch the floor--or that the German Shepherd Dog was animatronic? Good times.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 7:10 PM on February 11, 2009

You haven't lived until you've heard the commentary track for CHUD.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:23 PM on February 11, 2009

The Conan the Barbarian commentary track is one of the best ones I've ever listened to. The end where you can hear Arnold walking away from the mic, and Milius, out the door is hilarious. He drops one of the best lines...and I'm not going to spoil for anyone who wants or SHOULD listen to it for themselves
posted by P.o.B. at 7:29 PM on February 11, 2009

I don't know if it's in this clip, but:

HA HA HA! He is not laughing NOW!!

I would go as far as to say this movie, already quite awesome, is better with the commentary.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:33 PM on February 11, 2009

OK, my new D&D name is Richard Simmons Junior. hAAh hAAh hAAh! Great find.
posted by not_on_display at 7:49 PM on February 11, 2009

The only DVD commentaries I've ever been able to watch for more than five minutes are Werner Herzog commentaries. They're usually even more insane than his movies and he is THE master story teller. I would kill to be invited to the same dinner party as him. Wait, correction: I'd kill to go to a dinner party where Werner and Arnold were both guests. I can't believe that both would get out alive - they're the two poles of unchecked masculinity, perhaps a sort of yin and yang of testosterone. Any wagers on which one would survive a fight to the death?
posted by serazin at 7:51 PM on February 11, 2009 [5 favorites]

"I grew tired of trying to convey to friends how entertainingly absurd Schwarzenegger and director John Milius's commentary track is on the Conan: The Barbarian DVD, so I created this."

And glad I am that you did, my friend. Glad I am.

The background 1920s era music really makes it, though.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 7:52 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

I knew I got out of bed for a reason today. And yeah, the music sells it.
posted by Monster_Zero at 8:06 PM on February 11, 2009

The one thing I admire about Conan the Barbarian is the budget. There are so many scenes in that movie that could/would not be filmed today. For instance, when Arnie goes on the pilgrimage to get closer to the Thulsa Doom cult there are scenes with thousands of extras and magnificent set pieces that establish the basis of the conflict between the one against the many. Movies nowadays would rely on a jerky handicam flashback to establish this conflict between the powerful and the powerless. The style of today's physical conflict cinema (think Gladiator or 300) relies so much on quick edits, close shots, and computer-assisted effects which don't hold a candle (or broadsword) to some of the scenes of Conan the Barbarian. These recent films are nothing more than a weak shadow of Conan because of their reliance on modern trends of cost effective filmmaking.

I'm no film geek, and I do enjoy the Arnie-is-a-meathead lolz, but I think there is something about Conan the Barbarian that is a little closer to Kurosawa and Ben-Hur than it is to Return of the King.
posted by peeedro at 9:13 PM on February 11, 2009 [4 favorites]

. The style of today's physical conflict cinema (think Gladiator or 300) relies so much on quick edits, close shots, and computer-assisted effects which don't hold a candle (or broadsword) to some of the scenes of Conan the Barbarian.

Wait, what? You just mentioned "Gladiator" and "300" within 2 words of each other? "Gladiator" is a great film, a Hollywood epic in the best sense. I agree CG is for shit and "return of the Jedi," for example, looks better than anything being done today, but come on.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:49 PM on February 11, 2009

plo chops previously on Metafilter.

plo chops.

Conan was on free-to-air the other night. Admittedly I was kinda surfing and not paying 100% attention, but I thought it was HORRIBLE. It's about the 3rd or 4th time I've attempted to watch it.

I might have to give it another go, bearing the above comments in mind.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 11:02 PM on February 11, 2009

Admittedly I was kinda surfing and not paying 100% attention, but I thought it was HORRIBLE. It's about the 3rd or 4th time I've attempted to watch it.

Did you get to the part where the guy from Iron Maiden and the guy from Motorhead attack Conan and Subotai with oversized hammers? I bet you didn't!
posted by kid ichorous at 11:08 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

Nico McBrain for PM!
posted by uncanny hengeman at 11:15 PM on February 11, 2009 [1 favorite]

The YouTube link barely scratches the surface of how funny the commentary is for this movie. Watching Conan with the commentary on goes beyond comedy into an uncharted world of humor. Yes, I mean wet your pants, milk out the nose type funny.
posted by quadog at 12:47 AM on February 12, 2009

Admittedly I was kinda surfing and not paying 100% attention, but I thought it was HORRIBLE. It's about the 3rd or 4th time I've attempted to watch it.

Did you get to the part where the guy from Iron Maiden and the guy from Motorhead attack Conan and Subotai with oversized hammers? I bet you didn't!

Or the part where Conan gets invited into a hut by a hot woman, and they totally start pashing and then do it on the floor. And then while they are doing it, the woman turns into a major witch so Conan throws her onto the fire and she like, totally explodes for no reason. Then Conan goes outside to get on with the rest of his life, and the exploding witch is never referred to again.

Awesome!
posted by AndrewStephens at 2:02 AM on February 12, 2009

"Gladiator" is a great film, a Hollywood epic in the best sense.

DISPUTE.

I have a peculiar relationship with this film; I've seen it (...counting...) about nine times now, and each time I hate it more. I hate it so much that I can't stop watching it; I like to keep it in sight to make sure it's not up to something while I'm not looking.

I hate it so much that one of these days I'm going to get around to editing the list of jokes we've made at its expense into something like a RiffTrax script and record the damn thing; maybe then I'll finally evict this movie's damned spirit from my brain.

The thing I hate most about it is that it's of the "thrill ride" school of filmmaking, where they'll set a dog's tail on fire and send it through lighting the woods aflame as a metaphor for how ass-kicking Maximus' army is. Where they'll actually, unironically name the hero Maximus, and mean it.

I recognize that there is a place for insubstantial filmmaking, movies that do not try to say anything particularly profound. My problem is that Gladiator seems to think that it is profound when it is so entirely not.
posted by JHarris at 2:25 AM on February 12, 2009 [9 favorites]

JHarris, I have a whole list of movies for you that can easily fit into that category.

and the exploding witch is never referred to again.

I can sense the sarcasm here, but were you seriously miffed at that?(Like there was supposed to be some scene later on referencing that he "exploded" a witch? I don't think Conan was up much for explaining himself, having spent the first twenty-odd-something years of his life pushing around a...thing.) Here's a hint about that scene: she was there for exposition.
posted by P.o.B. at 3:04 AM on February 12, 2009

I'll also jump in and say that I would put the Conan movies, Gladiator and 300 into the same category of Swords & Sandals. In a sense they are all trying to get you to the same place.
posted by P.o.B. at 3:11 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

You haven't lived until you've heard the commentary track for CHUD.

This I believe, and must now see ... that movie kicks ass.
posted by mannequito at 3:49 AM on February 12, 2009

Still nothing is better than the commentary for Trapped In the Closet, where you have R. Kelly sitting in an oversized chair, smoking a cigar, and suddenly you realize that the entire thing was made genuinely. He truly believes he is making a fine work of art, as he explains how he rhymed "dresser" with "Beretta."
posted by explosion at 4:13 AM on February 12, 2009

The only time I "saw" gladiator, I was busy making out with a very cute girl.

This is not a common event.

Thus, I love Gladiator, because that's what I think of every time someone mentions it.

That is all.
posted by flaterik at 4:40 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

yes yes yes.

(though there is one shot in Gladiator that works well = where Scott reuses a trick from Blade Runner = craning over an arch where we see garbage showing that this world is a real lived in place) - other than that = a big plate o' cheese.
posted by jettloe at 4:52 AM on February 12, 2009

I can't say I really enjoyed Gladiator. It felt like an attempt at remaking some of the real classic movies (Ben Hur, Spartacus, whathaveyou), but, well, cheapend by inflation, in a way. Like, say, Spartacus and Ben Hur, those are great actors, doing great things, with great directors, in the Golden Age of Hollywood (TM), and then we get Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix, who, at least to us, in the current day, they're pretty good actors. Not exactly Kirk Douglas though.

And I've heard the commentary to They Live is an experience akin to nirvana. It's Rowdy Roddy Piper, in his wrestling persona, for the entire film, talking about how awesome the film is. Someday, I will see this.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:59 AM on February 12, 2009

Arnold should stick to just being overly muscled. He should not talk. Ever.
posted by orme at 5:20 AM on February 12, 2009

If he doesn't talk, where will we find all of the comedy? Without Arnold-speak, the world wouldn't be nearly as much fun. Take, for instance, just his intentional comedy:

(Throws machete, pinning man to wall) "Stick Arrrowwnd"

(After killing the sumo wrestler/hockey goalee) "Once Sahb-Zeero, naow pulane zeero"

(After killing Sharon Stone) "Consihdah zaht a devohce"

And so, so much more.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:29 AM on February 12, 2009

Sorry, I meant he should not speak using his own words. Scripts are ok!
posted by orme at 5:45 AM on February 12, 2009

Point taken. I'm sure the citizens of Cahleefooniah agree with you.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:59 AM on February 12, 2009

And yes...this guy is how the highest elected official of the largest economy in the U.S.

No matter how many times you say it, it just doesn't ring right. Like colourless dreams

*sigh*


While the Conan Commentary is a classic, I have a soft spot for John Waters on the Hollywood Royalty Edition of Mommie Dearest. He starts off by saying that he's never actually seen the movie, so this will be his first time and he's chatty and conversational and smoking and drinking and going "I don't think this is campy, I don't think this is over the top, this is a very powerful performance, I don't see why -" then Joan belts out "CHRISTINA! BRING ME THE AXE!" John pauses, takes a sip, and says

"Okay, that was over the top."


Also the first Pirates Of the Caribbean movie has Keira Knightley making catty comments throughout.
posted by The Whelk at 7:20 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Without Arnold-speak, the world wouldn't be nearly as much fun.

I was just going to say (before you beat me to it): you must not live in California. We don't think he's very funny anymore.
posted by serazin at 7:23 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh, no! If I show this to my husband, he will make me watch this movie again. Which means Tequila will be involved...

Also, I love Gladiator, but I am able to simultaneously love it and make fun of it. In my house the Gladiator drinking game is famous, and is called "Horses don't count."
posted by threeturtles at 7:34 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Neck and neck with the commentary for The Thing as the only DVD commentaries worth listening oo.
posted by Artw at 8:09 AM on February 12, 2009

I used to live in a house where we'd watch the Conan commentary on a weekly basis. Good times. Crazy ass John Milius and drunk Arnold makes for some hilarious lines. The funny thing was that Arnold doesn't remember most of the plot and Milius has to keep correcting him.
posted by electroboy at 8:10 AM on February 12, 2009

John Millius--fascinating, gifted idiot.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:26 AM on February 12, 2009

Still nothing is better than the commentary for Trapped In the Closet, where you have R. Kelly sitting in an oversized chair, smoking a cigar, and suddenly you realize that the entire thing was made genuinely. He truly believes he is making a fine work of art, as he explains how he rhymed "dresser" with "Beretta."

This doesn't even mention the most compelling part of the TITC commentary, which is that R. Kelly spends the entire time explaining the plot to you. Just in case you couldn't follow the action on the screen, and you also somehow missed his singing narration, there's a third level of narration to help you along.

The Conan the Barbarian commentary has been a popular one with my friends for a long time. Partially it's because the two of them are just ridiculously too into themselves, but also largely because Arnold doesn't seem to have any fucking idea what is happening in the movie. There are half a dozen scenes that he doesn't remember happening, and when he seemingly does remember something, he gets it entirely wrong.

Arnold: This is the village where Conan grew up.
Millius: No, it's not.

His seeming inability to separate himself from the character that he's playing only adds another layer of greatness to the entire thing.

He does seem to remember all of the sex scenes, though ("I sure do get laid a lot in this movie").
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:10 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Artw, if you like the The Thing commentary, you'd almost certainly like the commentary on Big Trouble in Little China.

Like The Thing, it's mostly Carpenter and Russell getting high and shooting the shit, and some about the movie.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:37 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

Wow. All I could think of (while listening to this 2 minute piece...) is Arnold, you're so capable of speak about what you see in front of you. It almost felt like the video where the woman who has never seen star wars describes it.

Did someone said to Arnold "Could you talk about the film while we record it?" Arnold is so capable, so amazing that he just says what he sees.

Oh yeah, then I vomited, knowing that California elected him to office.
posted by filmgeek at 9:37 AM on February 12, 2009 [1 favorite]

The only thing that Arnold does seem to remember are the chicks in the movie. He and Milius lech out together at a couple points.

Milius: Oh yes, she was a beautiful girl! Spanish, I think.
Arnold: Ohhhh ja. I remembuh hur. Huh huh, huh.
posted by electroboy at 10:02 AM on February 12, 2009

oops, or what parasite said.
posted by electroboy at 10:03 AM on February 12, 2009

The best part of the commentary, for me, is when Arnold says that they should make a sequel.. and Milus reminds him that they made two.
posted by dobie at 12:21 PM on February 12, 2009

If only Gary Coleman was elected governor instead of Arnold, then this thread would be about watching the commentary track to a Diff'rent Strokes DVD.
posted by not_on_display at 4:10 PM on February 12, 2009

The commentary of Flesh Gordon is way better than the film (OK, not difficult, but...) Basically the director, fore the most part, just ignores the action the screen - except for handily pointing out his wife's nude scene - and tells the convoluted story of how the film got made 'So then we all got arrested again' ... 'At this point I tried to steal the negative' ... 'We ran out of money again so my wife went back to stripping' ... 'And here's how we nearly won an Oscar'... all dead-pan hilarious
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:13 AM on February 16, 2009

Wasn't there some hasty vote-rigging to stop it getting one of the technicals?
posted by Artw at 10:28 AM on February 16, 2009

Wasn't there some hasty vote-rigging to stop it getting one of the technicals?

From what I remember the director said they were up for the Visual Effects (having a stop-motion sequence done by one of the old pros in the business)... and then suddenly they weren't.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:43 PM on February 16, 2009