The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins
April 14, 2009 7:35 AM   Subscribe

 
That (the post title) is the greatest sentence I will read today.

Dolphin>Pirate>Ninja
posted by Mister_A at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2009


Evidently, Lassie told Flipper about the precise location of the Somali pirates.
posted by jonp72 at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's not like they did it on porpoise.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:40 AM on April 14, 2009 [60 favorites]


IRFH: ISAABCOAHTS



(I snorted and a booger came out and hit the screen).
posted by Mister_A at 7:41 AM on April 14, 2009


Bad move for the dolphins......
posted by The1andonly at 7:41 AM on April 14, 2009


Uh-oh. The Chinese have learned how to train dolphins to do their bidding. American naval superiority is over.
posted by chillmost at 7:42 AM on April 14, 2009


The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins
posted by kisch mokusch at 7:45 AM on April 14, 2009


So long and thanks for all the press.
posted by joe lisboa at 7:45 AM on April 14, 2009 [8 favorites]


Well, that serves me right for reading the article instead of the post title!
posted by kisch mokusch at 7:46 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Ah, I see the CIA's remote control dolphin army has reached maturity.
posted by mikeh at 7:49 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Who took that photo? The pirates?
posted by loquax at 7:51 AM on April 14, 2009 [7 favorites]


Well, that serves me right for reading the article instead of the post title!

Keep repeating it, it makes an incredible mantra.
posted by hermitosis at 7:51 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


kisch mokusch: "The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins"

Never let it be said that communism didn't produce a distinctive style of rhetoric.
posted by Joe Beese at 7:53 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


China has a bad rep for photoshop nature propaganda already, and it's not going to get better anytime soon apparently.
posted by peter_meta_kbd at 7:55 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


I suspect that Bo is somehow behind all of this.

Also: DOLPHINS EVERYWHERE A;SDKJF;LASKJDF;LKAJSDF;KJAS;DFJ!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:56 AM on April 14, 2009


"Large School of dolphins passes potential incident. Leaps of tenuous linkage made by media".

Much as I want this to be true, it's a bit ridiculous.
posted by Brockles at 7:58 AM on April 14, 2009


Overheard from the attack ship:

Pirate leader: "What do you mean? How many dolphins could it be?"

First mate: "Uh, all of them, I think..."
posted by quin at 7:59 AM on April 14, 2009 [15 favorites]


So that's where all the Yangtze dolphins went!
posted by Pollomacho at 8:00 AM on April 14, 2009


I don't believe a word of this story. I hate to call bs without evidence, but couldn't this be entirely fabricated from unrelated facts (why would pirates care about steaming through the crowd, etc)? It's just that the source being the Official News Service of China makes me slightly suspicious about the spirit of objectivity in this particular case.

Don't get me wrong, I would love to believe that Dolphins are at war with Pirates. But it's just as likely that they were WARNING the pirates to stay away from the secretly well-armed freighters. Frankly I wouldn't put anything past those squeaky bastards.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:03 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


Dude, we really need to get on the same page with the dolphins. They know more than we think they do.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:03 AM on April 14, 2009


Much as I want this to be true, it's a bit ridiculous.

Are you telling me I cannot trust the Chinese media to accurately interpret events?
posted by deliquescent at 8:03 AM on April 14, 2009 [5 favorites]


Think how many billions of human beings are fed stuff like this every day, and have no reason to believe it's bullshit.

And I'm not restricting this statement to China, by any means.
posted by rusty at 8:04 AM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


"
"Much as I want this to be true, it's a bit ridiculous."

"Are you telling me I cannot trust the Chinese media to accurately interpret events?"

Next you'll tell me that it wasn't really a big rabbit who left me those chocolate eggs on Sunday...


;)
posted by Tena at 8:08 AM on April 14, 2009


Next you'll tell me that it wasn't really a big rabbit who left me those chocolate eggs on Sunday...

It was a rabbit. Those aren't eggs. That isn't chocolate.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:09 AM on April 14, 2009 [26 favorites]


Glorious Leader
posted by Mister_A at 8:10 AM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


The spectacular scene continued for a while.

A while, eh? That's pretty fantastic reporting. Is 'a while' three seconds? Or a few hours? Other things that continued for a while:

1. The orgasm of every girl I've ever been with
2. My youth
3. My savings
4. The sated feeling I had after eating chinese food for lunch
posted by spicynuts at 8:11 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sure, we're skeptical now. But wouldn't it be awesome if the dolphins started ruining every pirate attack?

And then wouldn't it be awesome if the dolphins started hijacking the ships instead? They're just trying to keep the pirates off their turf while they evolve feet.
posted by Nattie at 8:14 AM on April 14, 2009 [4 favorites]


While I agree that it is probably at least exaggerated, if not wholly fabricated, if you look at the other pictures, you'll see why the pirates couldn't just steamroll past the dolphins -- they're in flimsy little boats with outboard motors. There's no way they'd be able to get through.
posted by hermitosis at 8:14 AM on April 14, 2009


Never let it be said that communism didn't produce a distinctive style of rhetoric.

Bullshit predates Communism by quite a few generations!
posted by Pollomacho at 8:15 AM on April 14, 2009


It's just that the source being the Official News Service of China ... Frankly I wouldn't put anything past those squeaky bastards.

I think we know now who runs the Official News Service of China
posted by pointystick at 8:20 AM on April 14, 2009


Doesn't look like thousands. Not even hundreds.
posted by Edgewise at 8:23 AM on April 14, 2009


Sad that I have to be the first to say it, but...

THANKS AUQAMAN!!!!
posted by LordSludge at 8:30 AM on April 14, 2009 [9 favorites]


I have always suspected that dolphins are commies.
posted by rageagainsttherobots at 8:34 AM on April 14, 2009


LOL we're the top hit for "dolphin pirate somalia"
posted by Mister_A at 8:35 AM on April 14, 2009


Think how many billions of human beings are fed stuff like this every day, and have no reason to believe it's bullshit.

Wait, what? I thought this tuna was dolphin-safe.
posted by hippybear at 8:38 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Aquatic mammal, motherfucker! Do you speak it?!
posted by steef at 8:41 AM on April 14, 2009


The purpose of the dolphin is to flipper out and kill pirates.
posted by Atom Eyes at 8:53 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


I knew dolphins were capitalists.
posted by mullacc at 8:57 AM on April 14, 2009


wild.
posted by mwhybark at 8:58 AM on April 14, 2009


They buried the lede: following their interdiction of the ship, three dolphin snipers took out the pirates with precision bolts of qi energy shot from their third eyes.
posted by felix betachat at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2009 [6 favorites]


Oh wow, I assumed the post title was a quote from the Simpsons or something. I love that it's actually from the article! Best sentence ever!

On the subject of pirates, I can't believe how many times I overheard the word "pirates" at work yesterday. I felt like a merchant marine circa 1600.

It's been going on for years, but get one American involved, and all of a sudden everyone is like "OMG pirates"! I'm sure this was discussed in previous pirate threads, but I couldn't bring myself to read those. It's only the dolphins that got me interested again.
posted by diogenes at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


I love the Internet, because while we used to have to rely on the Weekly World News to republish the wackier stories the Chinese News Agency provided, these days we can go direct to the source.
posted by ardgedee at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2009


it's a good thing they weren't lions - everyone knows the lions can't block for shit
posted by pyramid termite at 9:13 AM on April 14, 2009 [11 favorites]


Pha love Pa!
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:18 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Also overheard on the pirate ship:

"I for one welcome our..."
posted by orme at 9:20 AM on April 14, 2009


Bullshit predates Communism

That Wikipedia article is a mess. It seems to be watched over by someone with a desperate need to believe in the reality of "Potemkin villages," a myth debunked long ago. But that's one Wikiwar I have no intention of wasting time on; at least there are links to the correct information.
posted by languagehat at 9:22 AM on April 14, 2009


It seems the Chinese are well ahead of US efforts, but we'll get sea lions on board, too. At least we have bomb-detecting dolphins on the side of Capitalism.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:23 AM on April 14, 2009


Fact: Pirates were an overplayed internet in-joke right before actual pirates came along and started fucking with everyone's shit.

Fact: Desire is a form of creation.

Fact: Dolphins are awesome

Conclusion: The internet's collective desire to have pirates for realz slowly built up and created actual pirates. Thus, anything honestly and fervently wished for (like a democratic president) on the internet will, if pushed hard enough by enough people, alter reality and be created.

Embrace your powers intertubes! The world begins anew, now!
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 AM on April 14, 2009 [3 favorites]


This seems a little too odd and cutesy, and (paradoxically) a little too implausible, to be a pure fabrication-- particularly when there's so much attention to the matter of piracy-- but peter_meta_kbd's "Joyous Antelope Frolic Beneath Mighty Train" catch above does give me pause.

Modern China: In Glorious Harmony with Nature, So Stop Your Nagging.
posted by darth_tedious at 9:34 AM on April 14, 2009


Hey, those look like the same dolphins who rescued Elian Gonzalez! Do you think maybe there's a Dolphin Justice League?
posted by steambadger at 9:35 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins

They took the "e" and left the "Arrrghh!"
posted by YoBananaBoy at 9:36 AM on April 14, 2009


You Are Being Lied To About Dolphins
posted by Liver at 9:41 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Other things that continued for a while:

5. The theoretical existence of a single Higgs boson.
posted by steambadger at 9:42 AM on April 14, 2009


U.S. Navy Marine Mammal Program
posted by awesomebrad at 9:46 AM on April 14, 2009


The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins

Well duh! Have you compared the size of their rosters? What were they doing trying to play football anyway?
posted by Pollomacho at 9:48 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


well at least we no longer have to worry about global warming!!
posted by supermedusa at 9:58 AM on April 14, 2009


I had thought the increase in the number of pirates was an effort by Al Gore to fight global warming.

noodle, noodle
posted by hippybear at 10:01 AM on April 14, 2009


supermedusa: you have taught me the lesson of "preview"
posted by hippybear at 10:02 AM on April 14, 2009


Following the Chairman's inspiring example, the dolphins resolved to symbolically re-enact their own teenage rebellion.
posted by binturong at 10:05 AM on April 14, 2009


Let there be no doubt, the dolphins have always been at war with the pirates. Sometimes Big Brother tells the truth.
posted by nomisxid at 10:23 AM on April 14, 2009


The dolphins arrived because they heard there was booty to be had.
posted by not_on_display at 10:43 AM on April 14, 2009


I read the title post as, "The pirates could only lament their listlessness before the vast number of dolphins," and it gave me a goosebump.

Yup, one goosebump.
posted by Pecinpah at 10:44 AM on April 14, 2009


Goddamnint, don't let Larry Niven start being right now.
posted by GuyZero at 11:06 AM on April 14, 2009 [2 favorites]


Huh, I guess the communist party does have the Mandate of Heaven after all.
posted by alexwoods at 11:07 AM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


The first thing I thought of when I saw that headline was the Wrath of Dionysos, who turned his pirate captors into dolphins.

But otherwise, the whole thing is a mystery to me.
posted by Araucaria at 11:50 AM on April 14, 2009


They took the "e" and left the "Arrrghh!"

I almost favorited this. After a moment of thought, however, I realized that it might give you the wrong idea.

With all due respect sir, you should be killed for that pun.
posted by Stunt at 12:01 PM on April 14, 2009


diogenes wrote: On the subject of pirates, I can't believe how many times I overheard the word "pirates" at work yesterday. I felt like a merchant marine circa 1600.

I have been jazzed about the piracy coverage of late. It finally gives me a reason to complain about people calling illicit copying of software "piracy" and those who engage in it "pirates."

Sadly, it makes the "Argh, matey!" response someone gets from when they talk about illicit copying much less funny.
posted by wierdo at 12:16 PM on April 14, 2009


"You know, I have one simple request...and that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads. That's what we need to defeat these pesky pirates.
posted by caddis at 1:10 PM on April 14, 2009


I had thought the increase in the number of pirates was an effort by Al Gore to fight global warming.

I'm surprised some earth first types haven't been paying the pirates to attack oil tankers and simply sink 'em. There would be a massive oil spill but it would really drive up the price of oil. Actually I'm not sure why other oil producing countries haven't tired that either.
posted by delmoi at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2009


Sure, we're skeptical now. But wouldn't it be awesome if the dolphins started ruining every pirate attack?

Well, duh, thanks to Obama's secret anti-pirate dolphin training program.

"Yes we ee-eeeeeee-ee-eeeeeeee-eeee!"
posted by The Deej at 1:26 PM on April 14, 2009 [1 favorite]


This has Aquaman's signature on it. Not that the dolphins couldn't think of this trick on their own.
posted by Liquidwolf at 2:36 PM on April 14, 2009






What the dolphins just don't understand is that we're only trying to combat global warming. Pesky dolphins!
posted by Avelwood at 6:54 PM on April 14, 2009


chillmost - Uh-oh. The Chinese have learned how to train dolphins to do their bidding. American naval superiority is over.

But that just means those stupid dolphins hooked on smack.

GLOBAL WAR ON TEH DRUGS NOW!
posted by porpoise at 10:02 PM on April 14, 2009




Conclusion: The internet's collective desire to have pirates for realz slowly built up and created actual pirates. Thus, anything honestly and fervently wished for (like a democratic president) on the internet will, if pushed hard enough by enough people, alter reality and be created.
Embrace your powers intertubes! The world begins anew, now!


Wow, if this were only true... I could just write my wish down and attach sexy photographs before launching it off toward /b/ before I went to sleep. When I woke up, it would be REAL!
posted by Avelwood at 2:21 AM on April 15, 2009


Dolphins? In Salt water? No fucking way.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:57 AM on April 15, 2009


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