"The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids"
July 23, 2010 1:17 PM   Subscribe

SlushPile Hell (tagline: A grumpy literary agent wades through query fails) asks readers to come up with the WORST CHILDREN’S BOOK…EVER
posted by not_the_water (46 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
This should have been the winner: You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:22 PM on July 23, 2010 [13 favorites]


I Caught Mom and Dad Wrestling, Or: If They Didn't Notice You, Just Walk Away.
posted by griphus at 1:22 PM on July 23, 2010


Cloudy With a Chance of Speedballs
posted by brundlefly at 1:25 PM on July 23, 2010


The Scary World of Richard Busy
posted by hellojed at 1:29 PM on July 23, 2010 [14 favorites]




Ha! I love that The O'Reilly Factor for Kids is meant for teenagers. Because there is nothing teenagers respond more to than being called "kids."
posted by Ideal Impulse at 1:35 PM on July 23, 2010


Some of these go back a long ways. Today's "The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool" was yesteryear's "The Magical World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator".
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:37 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


Host Your Own Pharm Party!
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:41 PM on July 23, 2010


The Missing Birth Certificate: A Quest For Truth
posted by shmegegge at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


also, holy shit, empath.
posted by shmegegge at 1:49 PM on July 23, 2010


My first rainbow party.
posted by empath at 1:51 PM on July 23, 2010


That list wasn't the greatest thing ever, but I'm really enjoying the rest of the site.
posted by cmyr at 1:52 PM on July 23, 2010


Just to clarify: I didn't make up the Christopher Hitchens one. It was a runner-up in the contest.

Mine:
A Table for One Can Be Fun!
(The Nerd's Guide to Dealing With Schoolyard Shunning and Lunchroom Loneliness
)
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:54 PM on July 23, 2010


Awful Library Books has beat him/her to the punch!
posted by vespabelle at 1:56 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]




How to Train Your Gorgon

Goodnight, Sun Myung Moon

I Am Absolutely Too Small for Work (A Very Special Charlie & Lola Adventure)

One Fish, Two Fish, Black Fish, Jew Fish
by Andrew Breitbart
posted by gompa at 2:04 PM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


sorry I missed the competition on Twitter, I would've gone with...
"Green Eggs and e.Coli"
"The Cat in the Hat Is My Pimp"
"See Jane's Dick"
"Charlie and the Pharmaceuticals Factory"
"The Phantom Tollbooth on the L.A. Freeway"
"Everybody Poops But Not Like THAT"
"The Three Hogs and the Little Nice Wolf"
"The Urban Jungle Book"
"The Little Engine That Could Have if Taxes Were Lower"
"Little Black Rambo"
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:06 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Holy moley, vespabelle.
posted by fleetmouse at 2:12 PM on July 23, 2010


The children's book post was made of meh, but the posts in response to unsolicited queries is pure gold. GOLD I SAY!
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:15 PM on July 23, 2010


That is to say, I think the older posts on the site is a delicious repast of snark that will feast the senses and delight fans of Hammingway, Shakespear, and Michael Chrichton. Fans of other authors will be similarly delighted with delight.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:18 PM on July 23, 2010


Teach a Donkey to Fish

The Sky's Not Falling!: Why It's Ok to Chill About Global Warming

Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper!

and finally, the winner:

Help! Mom! The 9th Circuit Nabbed the Nativity :
Johnny and Luke loved being in Miss Bardin's third-grade class -- especially at Christmas time, when the class put on its annual pageant, complete with a nativity scene and even an obliging donkey! But when Senator Weary, Al Snore, Congresswoman Clunkton and the whole 9th Circuit court show up demanding an end to the fun and festivities in the name of diversity, global warming, and stinky French cheese, all is almost lost until Johnny, Luke and an unexpected hero armed with a mysterious piece of paper unite to save Christmas.
posted by ennui.bz at 2:19 PM on July 23, 2010


Paul Revere's Wild Ride, and subsequent arrest for bestiality.
Nancy Drew: The mystery of putting the lotion on or getting the hose.
Black Velvet: Your teen's first BDSM guide.
Bump: The truth about monsters under the bed and why they want to eat your face.
posted by edbles at 2:21 PM on July 23, 2010


Nope... I was wrong, I'm not sure anyone can beat (from vespabelle's link):

Don’t Make Me Go Back, Mommy: A child’s book about satanic ritual abuse and part 2
posted by ennui.bz at 2:27 PM on July 23, 2010 [5 favorites]


If You Give Courtney Love Some Coke
posted by Joey Michaels at 2:36 PM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]




The Truth about Santa Claus and Other Lies from your Lying Liar Parents

Rule 42: All Kids Need to Know About the Internet
posted by never used baby shoes at 2:50 PM on July 23, 2010


Captain Crotchless Thong and the Motel 6 Matrons
posted by benzenedream at 2:51 PM on July 23, 2010


Everyone Poops (but there's a time and a place for it and this is not either of - don't you stick your tongue out at me. You get over here when I call your name. Oh, Christ, not all over the good tablecloth.
posted by logicpunk at 2:57 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


erk. That should be Rule 34: All Kids Need to Know About the Internet.

Obviously, I was in Hitchikers mode there.
posted by never used baby shoes at 2:58 PM on July 23, 2010


Huh... I was expecting something more in the realm of Eye of Argon.
posted by crapmatic at 3:21 PM on July 23, 2010


overeducated_alligator: you win, but I'm not sure you should be proud.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:25 PM on July 23, 2010




At least 3 or 4 of the ones mentioned in this thread are already on my Amazon wishlist, waiting for the magical day they hit $0.01+shipping.

Black Velvet: Your teen's first BDSM guide.

I dunno, I had Modern Primitives and Different Loving in high school; the writing's not that hard.
posted by jtron at 3:55 PM on July 23, 2010


Fail. Too obvious and nowhere near as funny as the real things provided in the above commentary. Either the jokes are based on an inappropriate adult world reference (which is way too easy) or were simply unbelievable as real books. A gifted funny person would have come up with something that makes you go to Amazon just to make sure.
posted by IndigoJones at 4:15 PM on July 23, 2010


simply unbelievable as real books

Ok, this one: "Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell" is a lot more believable than this one. After that, I'm not sure about any of them.
posted by Lemurrhea at 4:27 PM on July 23, 2010


Don't Let The Pigeon Operate The Mobile Offshore Drilling Rig
posted by Joey Michaels at 5:37 PM on July 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


Don't Let The Pigeon Operate The Mobile Offshore Drilling Rig
posted by Joey Michaels at 8:37 PM on July 23


Whoa, what the hell? That is hurtful and unfair. I'm a talented and experienced rig pilot guy, and I'll have you know that the reason for the accident was that I was drunk and behaving in an incredibly negligent manner. So there.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 5:45 PM on July 23, 2010 [6 favorites]


Ok, this one: "Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell" is a lot more believable than this one. After that, I'm not sure about any of them.

But then the link example appears to be real and the other - isn't.

Even if they were both fake, I'd find the linked one funnier because it isn't standing up and shouting "Look at me, I'm Funny!"
posted by IndigoJones at 7:12 PM on July 23, 2010


If only I could draw I could realize my dream of having "The Cat in the Hat takes a Crap in a Sack." but I would probably be sued.
posted by Daddy-O at 7:56 PM on July 23, 2010


"The little boy who was so bad his parents stopped loving him"
posted by 445supermag at 9:02 PM on July 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


The Berenstain Bears Hate What They've Become
posted by greenland at 9:27 PM on July 23, 2010 [7 favorites]


This is not only exceedingly old (I saw this list pre-internet!), they missed my very favorite one from the original - "Bi-Curious George".
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 9:59 PM on July 23, 2010


I remember that list, lupus_yonderboy. My favourite was You're Different, and That's Bad. Runner up: Some Kittens Can Fly!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 2:07 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ripped from Metafilter headlines:

The Sexism Myth: Why is Mommy Lying?

and

Daddy Said He Was a Jew: Baby's First Jail Visit.
posted by misha at 10:14 AM on July 24, 2010


The not quite as popular Nobody Poops But You.
posted by Snyder at 11:30 AM on July 25, 2010 [2 favorites]


Other good ones from that old list:

Daddy's New Wife, Robert

and

The Man in the Moon is Actually the Devil

posted by trampoliningisfun at 7:33 PM on July 25, 2010


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