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Hung like two distributions from the mean
July 1, 2011 12:49 PM   Subscribe

One of the results of unlimited internet porn is that guys invariably compare their own members to those they see on the net. And lots of them aren't happy.
posted by Netzapper (158 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
Once you go petite, you'll never retreat.
posted by Nomyte at 12:51 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


My understanding is that most of the particularly large members in porn are prosthetic. Does everybody want prosthetic porn-dongs on their real dongs?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:58 PM on July 1, 2011 [23 favorites]


Comparisons are odious.
posted by SPrintF at 1:02 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


My understanding is that most of the particularly large members in porn are prosthetic. Does everybody want prosthetic porn-dongs on their real dongs?

Everybody wants a cock to wind a piece of string around?
posted by curious nu at 1:04 PM on July 1, 2011 [57 favorites]


I got news for you. This issue has been around a lot longer than the advent of internet porn.
posted by crunchland at 1:04 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


Does everybody want prosthetic porn-dongs on their real dongs?

Almost everyone.

That Extendo-Beet has never fooled any woman I've been with. It moves around too much, and can wind up on the side.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:06 PM on July 1, 2011


Um, is this post SFW? Logic would suggest otherwise...
posted by obscurator at 1:08 PM on July 1, 2011


According to research from the University of Maryland, creams and pills have been reported to contain harmful mold, yeast, E. colibacteria, pesticides, andlead. They also contain high amounts of feces--which Dr. Michael Donnenberg guesses are from raccoons and other animals “possibly grazing near the plants harvested for herbal ingredients."

Oh, man. Trying to shame guys with the ol' "Raccoon Dick", huh? Stripey at the back end, little mask at the front, washing off a crawdad in a stream with tiny paws jutting out from the underside? It's sad that dudes like Michael Donnenberg can't accept men the way they really are -- with penises that look and behave like raccoons. Hey, Dr. Donnenberg, I have news for you: a LOT of women actually PREFER a guy with "phallus procyonis". Maybe you could leave the JUDGEMENT at the DOOR.
posted by Greg Nog at 1:08 PM on July 1, 2011 [25 favorites]


I get a pop-up ad that reads "Short and Sweet: Help Us Over The Top!"
posted by maryr at 1:10 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


Um, is this post SFW?

This thread about huge cocks and pornography is absolutely safe for work, yes.
posted by swift at 1:10 PM on July 1, 2011 [126 favorites]


I got news for you. This issue has been around a lot longer than the advent of internet porn.

Sure, but the situation used to be that you compared yourself to the relatively random population of flaccid dongs you see in locker rooms. By and large, these dongs were normally distributed--because the people to whom they were attached were normally distributed.

The situation now is that people are (subconsciously or consciously) comparing themselves to erect dongs as seen attached to a vanishingly small population of men fucking on camera--who were hired specifically for the size of their dongs.

Um, is this post SFW? Logic would suggest otherwise...

It's a text article. Although there is a photo of, like, a big phallic sculpture.
posted by Netzapper at 1:10 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


shorter and misrepresented Greg Nog:

A LOT OF WOMEN PREFER JUDGMENT AT THE DOOR
posted by clockzero at 1:11 PM on July 1, 2011


Some evolutionary biologists theorize that evolution has selected for larger, bendier human penises, which can better scoop out the sperm of competitors

I really don't like the use of the verb 'to scoop' in relation to penises, it turns out.
posted by robself at 1:11 PM on July 1, 2011 [19 favorites]


This article is not very good.
posted by Nelson at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011


Oh, man. Trying to shame guys with the ol' "Raccoon Dick", huh? Stripey at the back end, little mask at the front, washing off a crawdad in a stream with tiny paws jutting out from the underside?

Kind of sounds like the rabbit vibrator. To which I say, BRING IT ON
posted by angrycat at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


guys invariably compare their own members to those they see on the net

False.
posted by ixohoxi at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011


obscurator: "Um, is this post SFW? Logic would suggest otherwise..."

The AlterNet link is not safe for work, unless your work is okay with you viewing a picture of a giant cock statue at some sort of event (I think it was a prayer meeting.)

The article is also about a support group for men who think they have undersized genitalia, so if you're okay with your IT team knowing you took an interest in that....
posted by zarq at 1:12 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


I really don't like the use of the verb 'to scoop' in relation to penises, it turns out.

Just imagine a penis shaped like a grapefruit spoon

now try to unimagine it
posted by Greg Nog at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2011 [26 favorites]


In my experience most men still think they're bigger than they actually are, even after having watched prodigious amounts of porn. Evidently the rulers issued to boys in science class are different than the ones issued to girls.
posted by desjardins at 1:14 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


Evidently I went to the wrong school.
posted by swift at 1:16 PM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]


PS if you go to dinotube, and other tube sites, you can find "tiny dick" porn, and yeah a lot of it is "humiliation porn" but I think there's some that isn't.

Umm. Not that I've ever watched it, no sirree. I feel completely confident in my dick-size after watching Dongzilla and Dongzilla 2.
posted by symbioid at 1:17 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


So if I go to dinotube for tiny dick humiliation porn, where should I go for dinosaur videos?
posted by box at 1:18 PM on July 1, 2011 [16 favorites]


tinydicktube, of course!

(or the cartoon section on dinotube)
posted by symbioid at 1:20 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Meanwhile, I see very little (ha?) in this article that makes me feel that men aren't just catching up to us girls in terms of body image problems.
posted by maryr at 1:20 PM on July 1, 2011 [14 favorites]


That's okay, I drink so much diet soda I haven't been able to see my dick in years.
posted by briank at 1:20 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Penis Jokes?!? OKAY!

An old rich man meets a young woman and they fall in love. The only issue in their relationship is that he isn't able to perform in bed. They go to see a doctor, and the doctor informs them there isn't too much they can do except a highly expensive, experimental procedure. The procedure is to replace the gentleman's penis with a baby elephant trunk. The old man asks how much it is: $250,000. The old man doesn't want to go through with it, but his young girlfriend begs and pleads so he agrees.

Afterwards, their relations are great. The baby elephant trunk works like a dream, pleasing her in ways she never imagined. After a few months of premarital bliss, they decide to get married.

At the rehearsal dinner, the bride reaches over to the gentleman's lap and begins stroking him through his pants. He is a little nervous, but maintains composure. She unzips his pants, and reaches in. The old man is visibly having issues with her actions, but is able to carry conversation, however distracting. Finally she pulls out the trunk and continues the very naughty actions.

All of the sudden, the baby elephant trunk, with a mind of its own, reaches over the table, grabs a potato and disappears back under the table. Everyone at the dinner, friends and family are stunned. They all witness this strange occurrence. The bride's mother says "I'm not quite sure what I just saw, but I think I'd like to see it again."

The gentleman replies "Well, I'd love to show you, but I don't think I can fit another potato up my ass."

With apologies to Buddy Hackett.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 1:21 PM on July 1, 2011 [52 favorites]


Swhoo, one less thing to worry about. Thank god I have a massive penis.
posted by zephyr_words at 1:23 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


guys invariably compare their own members to those they see on the net.

On my tiny little netbook's screen*, pr0n dicks are like 0.25" at most. Compared to that, I'm hung like Godzilla!





*don't make fun of the size of my netbook's screen. My girlfriend says it's a good size.
posted by lekvar at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2011 [22 favorites]


Size matters!
posted by yoyo_nyc at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


"According to Mark Simpson, a UK journalist and author who coined the term “metrosexual,” this pressure begins with porn: “Young men grow up watching almost infinite amounts of online porn "

WTF. No they don't.
posted by dgaicun at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Seriously. "Almost"?
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 1:29 PM on July 1, 2011 [19 favorites]


An amused prostitute says to her john, "Two inches? Who do you think you'll please with that?" To which the john replied, "Me."
posted by Hylas at 1:30 PM on July 1, 2011 [12 favorites]


"Young men grow up watching almost infinite amounts of online porn in which the ‘star’ of the show is a large penis."

I think you're doing it wrong.

A quick GIS for "porn star" does not bring up a bunch of penis pictures, just sayin'
posted by madajb at 1:32 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Puppet legs.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:32 PM on July 1, 2011


I predict that this thread will become almost infinite[sic] in length, which in turn reminds me of my prized anatomical feature.
posted by obscurator at 1:33 PM on July 1, 2011


Had a friend in college who was very tall and well built, but in the shower, we would laugh because his member was rather small. He rebutted: put your finger in your ear. Now a piece of straw. Which feels better? small and thin, right? Guy said: who fucks a girl with a piece of straw.
posted by Postroad at 1:33 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


“Young men grow up watching almost infinite amounts of online porn "

If I did watch pornography, it would be on my hypothetically favorite website fantasi.cc which at last check (again hypothetically) had over 850,000 videos. Again, if I took part in the watching of disgusting clips of people satisfying their sinful primal urges, I would estimate I've watched somewhere around 5-10% of it all, which is around 45,000-85,000 videos, a non-infinite nor well defined number.

But I would never watch that much porn.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 1:33 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


madajb, re "you're doing it wrong": "I did not know that about myself."
posted by straw at 1:36 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


that makes me feel that men aren't just catching up to us girls in terms of body image problems

There's probably less catching-up to do than you think; it's easy to observe that many men are insecure about the fact they don't have the washboard abs and muscled, hairless torso of an underwear model.
posted by hattifattener at 1:36 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Hounen matsuri, if you are curious about the giant penis photo.
posted by SPrintF at 1:36 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


So much 'sexual equality' seems to have ended up as 'now we're equally miserable! Yay!'
posted by stinkycheese at 1:40 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Different penises are good for different things.

:D
posted by the young rope-rider at 1:41 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Single Page
posted by rageagainsttherobots at 1:42 PM on July 1, 2011


madajb, re "you're doing it wrong": "I did not know that about myself. yt "

Hah, A classic.

I'm not suggesting they aren't essential, just not the star.
Certainly some of them deserve best supporting actor awards.
posted by madajb at 1:44 PM on July 1, 2011


it's easy to observe that many men are insecure about the fact they don't have the washboard abs and muscled, hairless torso of an underwear model

... glistening with sweat, shirtless, their slightly dirty, chiseled shoulders moving as they breathe hard after moving railroad ties, rough five o'clock shadows on their perfectly-sculpted chins, hair all in a mess, eyes glancing down, down slowly to the treasure trail starting from their tight belly buttons, down to enticingly poorly-buckled work pants...
posted by swift at 1:44 PM on July 1, 2011 [10 favorites]


One's member has to be big enough to please oneself, no one else
posted by Renoroc at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2011


And the body images portrayed by women in (most) porn is something the average women can begin to measure up to? Give me a break. This article did nothing for me but make my eyes itch.
posted by groovesquirrel at 1:54 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


I'm not suggesting they aren't essential, just not the star.
Certainly some of them deserve best supporting actor awards.


I think the point is that in porn, unlike in actual sex, the penis is always the focal point of the action. If a Martian were to watch porn he'd assume that sex was an act where two people got together to see how they could make the penis feel good.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 1:58 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


And I think if a Martian were to watch porn it would probably star that chick with three boobs from Total Recall.
posted by dgaicun at 2:01 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


Penis Jokes?!? OKAY!

A grade school class is being given its first anatomy lesson. The teacher points to a diagram and says "And this is a penis. Every man has one, and every boy too."

Young Jimmy pipes up: "My dad has two!"

"No, that's impossible. Stop telling tall tales, Jimmy, you'll just confuse the class."

"No, really - he has a little one that he pees with, and a big one that mom brushes her teeth with."
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:04 PM on July 1, 2011 [12 favorites]


Back in the day when I a big ol' slut (and proud of it), I slept with a lot of people. The man with the smallest dick (like maybe 3.5 inches erect and slender) is easily the one I remember as the best lover.

And that's all I have to say about that.
posted by RedEmma at 2:18 PM on July 1, 2011 [16 favorites]


The perfect antidote is to go look at classical Greek statues. The muscles may be impressive, but keep those eyes trailing downwards and things change.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 2:22 PM on July 1, 2011


Long and thin, too far in; Short and thick, does the trick
posted by ghostbikes at 2:23 PM on July 1, 2011


Boys are inundated with unhealthy images about size, without decent sex ed to counter these pernicious messages.
[...]
many women are increasingly also turning the tables to objectify men

OH NOES! THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! DUDES ARE GETTING BODY IMAGE ISSUES FROM BEING BOMBARDED WITH UNREALISTIC IMAGES FROM THE MEDIA AND ALSO ARE BEING OBJECTIFIED! NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO AN ENTIRE GENDER, LIKE, EVER!
posted by dersins at 2:24 PM on July 1, 2011 [18 favorites]


Does everybody want prosthetic porn-dongs on their real dongs?

Seven dollars, same as in town.
posted by contraption at 2:25 PM on July 1, 2011


I don't get what amateur porn has to do with this. Spend a little time on Xtube and you will see a pretty normal range of dicks. There are people with tiny dicks that are proud of that and show them off with glee.

Compare that to the armada of dicks I have had fun with in my life. People with seven inch dicks who think they are poorly hung. Contrast that with the guy with a three incher who did me so good I saw stars (Bernadette Peters and Liza, one night only).

Some guys are insecure. Some guys are not. But they have all watched more gay porn than Anita Bryant will in her special room in hell (which is a lot, by the by). Something tell me porn or sexually aware women aren't the culprits here.
posted by munchingzombie at 2:31 PM on July 1, 2011 [7 favorites]


I'm hung like a little baby. 6 pounds, 14 inches long
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 2:31 PM on July 1, 2011 [9 favorites]


Just imagine a penis shaped like a grapefruit spoon

Or a mellon baller.
posted by zippy at 2:32 PM on July 1, 2011


Given that all men appear to have larger-than-average peni, I would like to posit the existence of what I shall call 'dark peni', a corresponding number (estimated at around 3.3 billion) of peni which have yet to be observed, but can be assumed to be of less-than-average size.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 2:33 PM on July 1, 2011 [35 favorites]


OH NOES! THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! DUDES ARE GETTING BODY IMAGE ISSUES FROM BEING BOMBARDED WITH UNREALISTIC IMAGES FROM THE MEDIA AND ALSO ARE BEING OBJECTIFIED! NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO AN ENTIRE GENDER, LIKE, EVER!

Do the indignities and judgements of society have to be reduced to a dick wagging contest ?
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 2:34 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


RedEmma: "Back in the day when I a big ol' slut (and proud of it), I slept with a lot of people. The man with the smallest dick (like maybe 3.5 inches erect and slender) is easily the one I remember as the best lover.

And that's all I have to say about that.
"

And with that, I thank you RedEmma!
posted by symbioid at 2:37 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


There's probably less catching-up to do than you think; it's easy to observe that many men are insecure about the fact they don't have the washboard abs and muscled, hairless torso of an underwear model.

Certainly true. This is just still mild compared to the labial surgery post.
posted by maryr at 2:37 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


OH NOES! THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! DUDES ARE GETTING BODY IMAGE ISSUES FROM BEING BOMBARDED WITH UNREALISTIC IMAGES FROM THE MEDIA AND ALSO ARE BEING OBJECTIFIED! NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO AN ENTIRE GENDER, LIKE, EVER!

Everybody make sure to thank dersins for pointing out that it's okay for bad things to happen as long as they have happened in the past to somebody else. What useful information!
posted by IAmUnaware at 2:37 PM on July 1, 2011 [17 favorites]


You know, I should probably be thankful that the main link in this post didn't work on my mobile, and just redirected to their front page...
posted by Joe Chip at 2:40 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


OH NOES! THE END OF SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT! DUDES ARE GETTING BODY IMAGE ISSUES FROM BEING BOMBARDED WITH UNREALISTIC IMAGES FROM THE MEDIA AND ALSO ARE BEING OBJECTIFIED! NOTHING LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO AN ENTIRE GENDER, LIKE, EVER!

If I'm unsympathetic to media-fuelled male body-image issues, do I get to also be similarly unsympathetic to media-fuelled female body-image issues, and to media-fuelled body-image issues in general, without being labelled sexist?

No?

Well that sucks. :-/
posted by anonymisc at 2:40 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


So these two guys have each heard via acquaintances that the other has the biggest dick in town. They're trying to be cool about it, but curiosity gets the best of them, and they contrive to be walking across a bridge when they both declare that they have to take a leak. They're each very carefully not looking at the other. One says, "Man, that water's cold." The other says, "Yeah, and pretty deep, too."

Also, do these supposedly wounded men not know about a little something called Photoshop?
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:46 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'll feel better onceposted by carsonb at 2:48 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Something something the number 8 a bunch of equals signs something something greater than sign.
posted by obscurator at 2:49 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Dongs.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 2:51 PM on July 1, 2011


Compare that to the armada of dicks I have had fun with in my life. People with seven inch dicks who think they are poorly hung. Contrast that with the guy with a three incher who did me so good I saw stars (Bernadette Peters and Liza, one night only).

posted by munchingzombie


Worst eponysteria ever.

Also, porn--or more specifically, Penthouse Forum--cured me of any potential size envy by the sheer numbing exaggeration that they regularly practiced; I remember one "letter" that discussed a male member with a head the size of a small lemon, and ejaculations that could fill a coffee cup. (I suspected that the allegedly female writer had hooked up with Mr. Ed.) Also also, a, ah, female acquaintance of mine said that she once hooked up with someone with an eleven-inch dick, and all it did for her was bruise her cervix.
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:55 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


I got news for you. This issue has been around a lot longer than the advent of internet porn.

In fact, the earliest pornographic novel in English, Fanny Hill, written by John Cleland while in debtors prison and published in 1748, is full of really big penises and penis comparing, and the flower of them all, as I recall, is borne by a mentally deficient young man.

Cleland seems to take this association between a big penis and lack of intelligence for granted, and it does seem to be part of folklore about sex right up to the present.

It just so happens that there is a genetic cause of low intelligence, the most common of them all, as it turns out, which is associated with large testicles: fragile X.

Articles in the medical literature are strangely reticent about discussing whether fragile X men also have larger penises, but I've see a few pictures (which I unfortunately have no links for) that make me think they do.
posted by jamjam at 3:00 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


My penis is Canadian and Asian.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 3:00 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


I need a concave measuring stick.
posted by clavdivs at 3:00 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Some guys are insecure. Some guys are not. But they have all watched more gay porn than Anita Bryant will in her special room in hell (which is a lot, by the by). Something tell me porn or sexually aware women aren't the culprits here.

I've seen a larger number of absurdly-bignormous dongs in straight porn than I have in gay porn. There was a porn viewing party once in my freshman dorm and the frat boys really got off on the porn with the hugest prosthetic cocks, for whatever repressed reason. They weren't watching gay porn. The logical solution is that straight guys need to watch more gay porn.
posted by blucevalo at 3:02 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Er...I know this may sound self-aggrandizing or something, but since it's topical, may I just say that having a large dick isn't all many guys would like to imagine? I've actually had lovers decline to have sex with me because mine is too large. And sex with some other guys hasn't gone as, er, smoothly as we'd have liked because my size is tough to accommodate unless my partner has had a fair bit of experience.

Also, it a distraction in love-making when your partner fixates on the size of your member. About the fourth time your lover stares and says "that's...that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in real life", I'm kinda like, yes, okay, you've mentioned that before, let's move along, shall we?

/TMI
posted by darkstar at 3:07 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


I need a concave measuring stick.

Turn the spoon over.
posted by Forktine at 3:07 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


"A tenpenny? Why that's what we call them down South. You see, you get it there and you lay it on a table or something and if you can line up ten pennies in a row on its back, then it's called a tenpenny."

- Truman Capote, as quoted by Donald Richie.
posted by KokuRyu at 3:08 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


OK, it's 1988 and my grandmother has just died. I fly home to be with my parents. One evening, driving back to my parent's house after visitation at the funeral home, my mother suddenly starts to giggle uncontrollably. "What is it, Mom?" I say.

She tells me that one of the visitors at the funeral home was an old friend of her parents from when she was a kid, and she and her five siblings just loved him because he would amuse them by imitating various barnyard animals.

Sadly, however, his loving marriage ended after only a few short years because his wife was extremely petite, and he was extremely well-endowed, and they were never able to figure out how to have sex without it causing her pain.

So, my mom says, spluttering helplessly, this nice old gentleman is talking to her at the funeral home, telling her how sorry he is about her loss and what a fine woman her mother had been and so on, but she can't really focus on what he's saying because, she says, "all I could keep thinking when I looked at him was that he could moo like a cow..."

and because I am my mother's daughter, I say, "and he's hung like a bull?"

And we both just completely lose it.
posted by not that girl at 3:10 PM on July 1, 2011 [10 favorites]


Deep, too
-- by Richard Pryor
posted by msalt at 3:10 PM on July 1, 2011


parents'! parents'!

Oh god the indelible apostrophe error.
posted by not that girl at 3:13 PM on July 1, 2011


What's this? People feeling bad about themselves after watching perfect bod porn stars doing perfect, animalistic sex? SHOCKING.

If you don't have the size, learn a different talent to make up for it. One guy's size failing is another guy's opportunity to be mind blowing amazing with his tongue.

I'm just sayin'.
posted by stormpooper at 3:13 PM on July 1, 2011


breathlessly
Hey guys, sorry I'm late- is this the thread where we talk about our larger than average penis size?

Maybe it can be a thread where we discuss how stupid-ass AlterNet properly loads this stupid article on my Android 2.3 phone- the one that plays flash in its browser, supports HTML5, and even records 30fps 1080p video on the fly with its fucking dual-core processors, for fuck's sake- and then a second later decides to uselessly redirect me to their fucking mobile home page, without even a link to a mobile version of the story I just fucking clicked.

Nice fucking web development, you small-dicked motherfuckers...
posted by hincandenza at 3:15 PM on July 1, 2011 [15 favorites]


My penis is only two inches- FROM THE GROUND.
posted by Scoo at 3:24 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


One says, "Man, that water's cold." The other says, "Yeah, and pretty deep, too."

The version I heard as a kid involved three guys standing on top of a skyscraper and ends with the first two looking at the third, standing facing away from them and swaying his hips around, and they're like, "Charlie, what the fuck are you doing?" And Charlie says, "dodging traffic!"

In the text of the joke as it was told on the playground that day, this wasn't a "ha ha guys brag about their dick size" gambit but rather a "this is a joke about a man whose penis is actually 400 feet long".
posted by cortex at 3:24 PM on July 1, 2011 [10 favorites]


So if I go to dinotube for tiny dick humiliation porn, where should I go for dinosaur videos?

VH1?
posted by Grangousier at 3:27 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


One says, "Man, that water's cold." The other says, "Yeah, and pretty deep, too."

There were three piss-tubes on the wall, so as not to slow the crew.
I took the first one on the left. Stan took the other two.
posted by sourcequench at 3:30 PM on July 1, 2011


8≥D

now find D
posted by This, of course, alludes to you at 3:32 PM on July 1, 2011


Given that all men appear to have larger-than-average peni, I would like to posit the existence of what I shall call 'dark peni', a corresponding number (estimated at around 3.3 billion) of peni which have yet to be observed, but can be assumed to be of less-than-average size.

Exactly backward, based on my own personal surveys.
posted by me & my monkey at 3:40 PM on July 1, 2011


armada of dicks

Fleet Week, huh?
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:40 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Just remember, You are bigger than a gorilla (2")
But you will never be as big as a Argentine Lake Duck (up to 17")
posted by Iron Rat at 3:44 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


When I was 16, and waiting to cross the street near Washington Square Park, this guy in leather overalls came up to me and said "I have a 14 inch dick. What am I supposed to do about that?"

Now I know what he was getting at, but all I could do was feel pity. Because, really, what would you do about that?
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:47 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


An apparently little-known fact about mainstream professional porn is that the performers, as a rule, are short. Like, tiny. So then you have a dude with a slightly above average size dick, but he's 5'1" and, ta-da! Monster shlong!
posted by smartyboots at 3:48 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


Upon finding out what I do for a living, I lose count of the amount of times I've been asked "so, what's the like, minimum size requirement for guys in porn?"... Amazes me. Not so much the motivation behind it (as yawnsome as that is in itself), just the ludicrous nature of the enquiry.

As if there's some California statute declaring that all porn dicks be no less then so many inches in length and girth?
posted by TheTorns at 3:52 PM on July 1, 2011


An apparently little-known fact about mainstream professional porn is that the performers, as a rule, are short. Like, tiny. So then you have a dude with a slightly above average size dick, but he's 5'1" and, ta-da! Monster shlong!

That was always what I heard about Steve Kelso, a very popular male porn model from a while back. You never saw him in photos with other people because when he was by himself it was easy to picture him as being this giant dude. But it turns out, he was entirely pocket-sized.

Really, the short guys also have it easier with muscle development, too. Because they don't have to bulk up as much to put on mass as does someone a foot or more taller.

At least, I've been using my 6'1" height for years as an excuse for having an entirely average penis and physical build. Don't destroy my self-delusion, please.
posted by hippybear at 3:59 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Quite honestly I have never thought about penis size, not once. In fact I marvel on a daily basis that water is clear and tasty and I fit in the hole just like Goldilocks, just right.
posted by Xurando at 4:03 PM on July 1, 2011


I remember shutting some guy up on an old BBS by pointing out that even if the volume of an erect penis is only 30 percent blood, that was still around a liter that he was claiming.

Women like conscious men.
posted by klangklangston at 4:03 PM on July 1, 2011


I have a theory that the tiny dongs on classical statues and in old works of art is to give the young women a false impression about dong size, so that they're impressed and surprised by dongs of a normal human size. Probably didn't work, but that's the theory I think they were operating under.
posted by Rinku at 4:05 PM on July 1, 2011


The gonewild subreddit is for user submitted erotic pictures featuring themselves. There is a good mix of male, female and couples.

This discussion has been happening there for a long time. The community makes it a point to be accepting of all body types. There are plenty of pictures of women of all body types, and they usually get a good reception. With dudes it has been mostly pictures of washboard abs and large penises.

There is a push for dudes with non-washboard abs and average or smaller penises to post their pics. It is interesting to read the comments for these posts.
posted by Ayn Rand and God at 4:09 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


What kind of moron thinks male porn actors' dicks are a reasonable yardstick (sorry) to measure yourself against? Maybe if the pornhounds got off their fat, spunk-smeared arses and went down to a gym once in a while they'd get to see a more representative set of dicks to compare themselves against. Not that I'm calling guys who go to gyms dicks, you understand. Well, apart from me, obviously.

Okay, I've lost my thread now. Time for my meds. Where's that confounded corkscrew?
posted by Decani at 4:10 PM on July 1, 2011


If you don't have the size, learn a different talent to make up for it. One guy's size failing is another guy's opportunity to be mind blowing amazing with his tongue.

Why consider it a failing? Large dicks can be very painful for women (especially smaller women), leading to a bruised cervix and even torn tissue, and thus can limit the range of women you can have comfortable sex with.

Also, perfecting your tongue talents is a good idea for anyone, not merely a compensatory trick of last resort. :)
posted by adso at 4:11 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


This article is not very good.

It's not long enough.
posted by chavenet at 4:12 PM on July 1, 2011 [9 favorites]


This article is not very good.

It's not long enough.
posted by chavenet at 12:12 AM on July 2


It's quite thick, though.
posted by Decani at 4:13 PM on July 1, 2011 [6 favorites]


It's not how many favorites you have, it's what you do with them.
posted by Elmore at 4:21 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Rinku: "I have a theory that the tiny dongs on classical statues and in old works of art is to give the young women a false impression about dong size, so that they're impressed and surprised by dongs of a normal human size. Probably didn't work, but that's the theory I think they were operating under."

Actually, the penises are very small on classical statues because the ideal of beauty was adolescent males and thus smaller penises were considered more beautiful than larger.
posted by Copronymus at 4:22 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


This article is not very good.

It's not long enough.
posted by chavenet at 12:12 AM on July 2

It's quite thick, though.
posted by Decani at 4:13 PM on July


And rather cheesy.
posted by munchingzombie at 4:30 PM on July 1, 2011


About the fourth time your lover stares and says "that's...that's the biggest cock I've ever seen in real life", I'm kinda like, yes, okay, you've mentioned that before, let's move along, shall we?

/TMI
posted by darkstar


hands up who immediately clicked through to see what darkstar's profile picture was
posted by Greg Nog at 4:33 PM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]


See, my reaction to the unreal ginormo-schlongs in pro porn was "....Huh. Turns out I'm not turned on by unreal ginormo-schlongs. Let's go find some amateur stuff."

Made it easier to keep my own equipment in perspective.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:45 PM on July 1, 2011


Also try macrophotography
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:50 PM on July 1, 2011


I've actually had lovers decline to have sex with me because mine is too large.

Do you make up for it by being fantastically good at oral sex?
posted by nathancaswell at 4:51 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


I know that some MeFites are tired of xkcd links, but I think that this one is essential to this thread.
posted by tzikeh at 4:54 PM on July 1, 2011


There's a beautiful Kilgore Trout story in one of Kurt Vonnegut's books (that I can't find offhand to quote directly) about an alien race who feed skewed statistical data constantly to a rival alien culture so that everyone thinks they are below average, and once everyone feels despondent and useless about their inadequacies they invade and no-one even puts up any resistance.
posted by dng at 4:55 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


ts;dr
posted by Ratio at 5:04 PM on July 1, 2011 [3 favorites]


I want to favorite swift's comment way upstream, but there is no way I'm going to be the 70th favorite.
posted by malocchio at 5:55 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


This article is not very good.

It's not long enough.
posted by chavenet at 12:12 AM on July 2

It's quite thick, though.
posted by Decani at 4:13 PM on July

And rather cheesy.
posted by munchingzombie at 12:30 AM on July 2


Yeah, it should have been cut.

Oh no! Circumcision thread!
posted by Decani at 6:11 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do men look at men when looking at porn? Aren't they just looking at women? Anyway, every guy think they're an above average driver and above average in bed, so I don't think too many feelings are getting hurt here. Given that 98% of internet use is men looking at porn it doesn't seem to be putting them off.
posted by joannemullen at 6:45 PM on July 1, 2011


Do men look at men when looking at porn?

Yes.

Aren't they just looking at women?

No.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:08 PM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]


Anyway, every guy think they're an above average driver and above average in bed,
posted by joannemullen at 2:45 AM on July 2


As a guy, let me assure you most adamantly that this is so very not true.
posted by Decani at 7:13 PM on July 1, 2011 [4 favorites]


So if I go to dinotube for tiny dick humiliation porn, where should I go for dinosaur videos?

Juranal Park,,, and yes, it is indeed a real thing.
posted by handbanana at 7:17 PM on July 1, 2011


“Young men grow up watching almost infinite amounts of online porn "

I'm not a mathematician...but I do kick some ass on khanacademy. When I hear people using mathematical terms (which exist to make things more clear and concise) in a totally incorrect way, I automatically tune out whatever they say...because hey, they don't know WTF they are talking about.

This causes me an almost infinite amount of pain.
posted by hal_c_on at 7:30 PM on July 1, 2011 [5 favorites]


Sorry Decani, I meant every guy who's not also a member of metafilter. Every guy on metafilter thinks they're an above average cyclist and more than usually sensitive to a woman's needs, desires, autonomy and legitimate political aspirations in bed.
posted by joannemullen at 7:31 PM on July 1, 2011 [30 favorites]


But I don't even own a bicycle.
posted by crunchland at 7:41 PM on July 1, 2011 [2 favorites]


Obligatory ancient Rolling Stone, 'poor big-dicked fellow' article.
posted by umberto at 7:41 PM on July 1, 2011


If she thinks it's too small see if you can put it in the other hole, it's bound to feel bigger back there.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 7:42 PM on July 1, 2011


Look, you men think you have it so bad, but it's just the same for me. You're saddled with walking around thinking about how you can have a bigger dick. And I'm saddled with walking around thinking about how I can be a bigger dick. Which is really a challenge, after a while.

it's bound to feel bigger back there
You kid, but that is totally doable. And not so doable if you're sliding down the other end of the bell curve. /TMI
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:12 PM on July 1, 2011


For gents with lovers that demand more length or girth, check out these cock extenders that can satisfy any size-queen.
posted by munchingzombie at 8:23 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Ranger Rick
had a six-foot dick
And he showed it to the girl next door

She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now it's only five-foot-four.

that's how we busted a rhyme in sixth grade back in the day
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:12 PM on July 1, 2011 [8 favorites]


From what I have been able to observe with map and compass and studying natural histories of the region, my topography appears to be of average longitude, and a reasonably safe elevation above sea level. Frequent temblors and eruptions of hot magma make the property inhospitable for most land use actions, however this same feature has proved to be something of a tourist attraction, as the temblors have been compared by at least one prominent geologist as "like a washer spin cycle on steriods." Also, the magma has been reported to taste exactly like the finest dark chocolate with notes of raspberry and Champagne. Permit applications for day hikes are available online. $20, SAIT.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:13 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


Yes, "Steriods." For the unitiated, steriods are multidirectional wireless sonic vibration translators. Like phat surround sound systems - in your pants.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:07 PM on July 1, 2011


if fed quarters, will the pants vibrate?
posted by clavdivs at 10:10 PM on July 1, 2011


If I may... previously.
posted by jokeefe at 10:34 PM on July 1, 2011


To the women and homsexual men of Metafilter - since your demographic has more potential exposure to different erect penises (penii? penemasuses?) - how accurate is the range of sized as reported on that page?
posted by PurplePorpoise at 12:51 PM on October 23, 2005 [+] [!]


...yeah, that's the moment that thread did a limber ballonné devant over the proverbial requin.
posted by mykescipark at 10:51 PM on July 1, 2011


Actually, the penises are very small on classical statues because the ideal of beauty was adolescent males and thus smaller penises were considered more beautiful than larger.

and 2000 years later, we have 4chan.
posted by taz at 10:56 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


This thread is giving me dong nostalgia.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:05 PM on July 1, 2011


A small penis support forum, Measuerection.com, boasts over 10,000 members.

Badoom-ching!
posted by ShutterBun at 11:31 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


That Extendo-Beet has never fooled any woman I've been with. It moves around too much, and can wind up on the side. posted by Inspector.Gadget

Isn't it just a matter of saying "Go, go, Gadget Cock!" or something?
posted by ShutterBun at 11:45 PM on July 1, 2011 [1 favorite]


[JonTG]: Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z

[JonTG]: wait, shit

posted by Rhaomi at 12:14 AM on July 2, 2011 [7 favorites]


Obligatory ancient Rolling Stone, 'poor big-dicked fellow' article.

daily show piece on the same guy
posted by jjoye at 1:02 AM on July 2, 2011


Back in the olden days of AOL chatrooms, it was common to enquire of bragging gents if their purported 12 inches were "real inches" or "AOL inches."
posted by a humble nudibranch at 1:07 AM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: "hung like Godzilla!"

Decani writes "Maybe if the pornhounds got off their fat, spunk-smeared arses and went down to a gym once in a while they'd get to see a more representative set of dicks to compare themselves against."

Do guys walk around with erections at gyms? 'Cause you can't really tell much about the size of an erect penis from observing it in it's flaccid state.
posted by Mitheral at 1:32 AM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Most of the girls in mainstream porn are something like five feet tall. On occasion I wind up at events where there are a lot of those hardworking ladies, and at 5'7" I feel like a freaking ent roaming around among them.
posted by Jilder at 3:53 AM on July 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


penemasuses?

If someone is a penemasuse (though I would spell it penemasseuse), I would expect happy endings to be involved.

There were some pretty funky pictures on that "previously" link, and way more size variation than I had expected. I think I've only twice seen another guy's erect penis in person (both times thanks to perverts jerking it in public), plus of course porn. So yeah, I'd agree that most straight guys probably have very little idea of what is "normal" and what isn't, nor any accurate idea of how they compare.

Most of the girls in mainstream porn are something like five feet tall.

Finding a small partner would seem like an easier way to deal with insecurity about your penis size than risky surgery or ineffective pills.
posted by Forktine at 5:39 AM on July 2, 2011


Do guys walk around with erections at gyms?

Well, yeah. How else do you deadlift?
posted by Greg Nog at 5:54 AM on July 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


And lots of them aren't happy.

Well I am.
posted by jonmc at 5:57 AM on July 2, 2011


went down to a gym once in a while they'd get to see a more representative set of dicks to compare themselves against."

At a gym? Dude, everybody knows: built like a house, hung like a mouse.
posted by jonmc at 6:03 AM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


ShutterBun: " Isn't it just a matter of saying "Go, go, Gadget Cock!" or something?"

M.A.D. Cat gives new meaning to the word, "slashfic."
posted by zarq at 7:38 AM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dude, everybody knows: built like a house, hung like a mouse.

It's not long, but it is skinny.
posted by inigo2 at 8:08 AM on July 2, 2011


Great penis moments on MeFi, previously.
posted by warbaby at 9:17 AM on July 2, 2011


I remember one "letter" that discussed a male member with a head the size of a small lemon, and ejaculations that could fill a coffee cup.

Yeah, I wrote that; should have clarified. Was referring to a kumquat, and I drink coffee from a thimble.
posted by obscurator at 11:31 AM on July 2, 2011


Do men look at men when looking at porn?

No, the multimillion-dollar gay porn industry is just an elaborate maze to fuck with the space aliens' minds when they invade and try to conquer us.
posted by blucevalo at 11:39 AM on July 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


I must say I highly benefited from this book but I am not sure it is of use for all MeFites:

How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much

posted by yoyo_nyc at 11:50 AM on July 2, 2011


An apparently little-known fact about mainstream professional porn is that the performers, as a rule, are short. Like, tiny. So then you have a dude with a slightly above average size dick, but he's 5'1" and, ta-da! Monster shlong!

I don't know about porn stars, but having dated some short skinny guys, this is an absolutely true optical illusion.
posted by desjardins at 12:12 PM on July 2, 2011


short skinny guys

Yeah, looking at the photos from the previously link, I'm gonna say that fat padding can throw things of visually. The guys I've dated have mostly been tall and skinny, which probably gives them the illusion of having bigger junk.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:23 PM on July 2, 2011


There was even an ad campaign for a male hair trimmer that was predicated on the notion that clearing the pubes around the base of the penis gave the illusion of an extra inch.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:42 PM on July 2, 2011


Oh my god, those ads. I think there was actually an FPP about them, but I'm afraid to search for it.
posted by Zozo at 1:05 PM on July 2, 2011


As if there's some California statute declaring that all porn dicks be no less then so many inches in length and girth?
posted by TheTorns


epony...

ouch.
posted by futz at 2:03 PM on July 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


groovesquirrel: "And the body images portrayed by women in (most) porn is something the average women can begin to measure up to?"

Do men's body issues have to be as bad as women's body issues before we can start talking about them?
posted by grammar corrections at 9:01 PM on July 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Thanks a lot for not marking this thread as NSFW. My boss was walking by when I happened to have the thread open. Naturally, since it's not marked "NSFW", I assumed it would be just fine to have open in my office. He stopped by for a chat, and I thought nothing of it as he began to read my screen. I even made a joke about how he could probably benefit from some of the resources in the first link.

Now I'm out of work. OP, you are a complete jerk. I have bills to pay, there is a recession going on, and I am a professional in a sort of niche market.

Does anyone know another small-penis prosthetics company that is hiring live models? LinkedIn doesn't help, and Craigslist is only producing weird responses.
posted by IAmBroom at 6:33 AM on July 3, 2011


THIS JUST IN
posted by obscurator at 9:52 AM on July 5, 2011


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