Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

November 29, 2011 7:29 PM

The art form of airline safety cards.

If you choose a particular airline or plane type from the right-side menu of the second link, you have to click the name again on the main page for the card to display.

posted by gman (25 comments total)

If you choose a particular airline or plane type from the right-side menu of the second link, you have to click the name again on the main page for the card to display.

I don't have time for that! My plane is going down RIGHT NOW!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:40 PM on November 29, 2011 [8 favorites]

I don't need a safety card -- my plan is to just follow Neil.

Whaddya mean you can't find the way out yet?
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:45 PM on November 29, 2011

Remember, you're not allowed on the first class detachable floating emergency slide if you've only purchased an economy class ticket.

My only hope if I'm ever unfortunate enough to be going down in an airliner is that everyone will shut up so I can say my prayers in peace.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:49 PM on November 29, 2011

Calm as hindu cows.
posted by logicpunk at 7:51 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Burhanistan: My only hope if I'm ever unfortunate enough to be going down in an airliner is that everyone will shut up so I can say my prayers in peace.

OH MY FUCKING GOD. That video.
posted by gman at 7:52 PM on November 29, 2011

Weird. I've been using the image of three people having a Status Update Meeting while clinging to their seat cushions in the Mid-Atlantic as an avatar image for like a decade now, and the link to Nighthawks never occurred to me.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 7:52 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Meh. Everyone knows that all you need is Salt, An Epicure's Delight.
posted by googly at 7:54 PM on November 29, 2011

I think they're saying, "Brace! Brace!" in that video.
posted by The White Hat at 7:56 PM on November 29, 2011

They missed The Grace L. Ferguson Airline and Storm Door Co.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 7:58 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Either "brace" or "pray" it's equally obnoxious and I'd rather mediate and be as calm as those cows on the safety card than have the last thing I hear on this earth be some loud anxious people.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:59 PM on November 29, 2011

If you choose a particular airline or plane type from the right-side menu of the second link, you have to click the name again on the main page for the card to display.

I don't have time for that! My plane is going down RIGHT NOW!

To be fair, the captain didn't say that it was safe to turn on electronic devices yet.
posted by Ufez Jones at 8:03 PM on November 29, 2011

I don't know why I've been doing this, but lately, before they make us turn our cell phones off, I look up the model airplane I'm flying in, and read about all the 'incidents' that they've been in. Somehow I find it fascinating and not at all worrisome.
posted by Phredward at 8:06 PM on November 29, 2011

I love airline safety cards.
I probably have a few dozens of them stored in various boxes.
I always thought I would use them one day to illustrate the art of communication without words.

But I just love them. They all tell the same story, again and again: your plane is going down, it will become a sinking boat, here is how to get out and float, one way or another. Without a word.

This is an art form. There should be museums dedicated to airline safety cards. And there probably will.

Thanks, gman, great find.
posted by bru at 8:17 PM on November 29, 2011 [5 favorites]

Calm as hindu cows.
posted by logicpunk at 4:51 PM on November 29
posted by 4ster at 8:18 PM on November 29, 2011 [4 favorites]

I know it's been around forever, but this one is my favorite interpretation, still.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:20 PM on November 29, 2011 [3 favorites]

Flight attendant safety presentation, courtesy of David Spade and Chris Farley.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:33 PM on November 29, 2011

I like how these cards portray a future independent of language and national differences, a future where we are all united in using the oxygen mask or finding the emergency exit. It's a happy thought; we're all one in this plane crash, and your merde! is just as valid as my shit!
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:01 PM on November 29, 2011

I can only hope that, after my time has come, it can be said I that I died "stalwart and square jawed, prepared to meet his fate with a ducklike dignity."
posted by wreckingball at 9:06 PM on November 29, 2011

I died "stalwart and square jawed, prepared to meet his fate with a ducklike dignity."

I loved my grandfather and I'd like to think he died that way. Unlike his passengers.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:12 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Or, when I die, I want to die in my sleep. Unlike his passengers.

Old jokes never die, they take flight again and again, until the flight attendant comes over and cuts off your supply of those tiny liquor bottles.
posted by twoleftfeet at 9:16 PM on November 29, 2011

Related.
posted by unliteral at 9:23 PM on November 29, 2011

Don't forget Airtoons! Which has been missing its "regularly updated" schedule for about a decade.
posted by zsazsa at 9:42 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I just want to tell you good luck. We're all counting on you.
posted by not_on_display at 10:37 PM on November 29, 2011

I should make some of these up and keep them in my flight bag. Next to the airsick bags.

I went on a military flight test some time ago, and before the flight the civilian passengers had to go through an abbreviated emergency training course. It was a few hours, and the instructor showed us all the safety equipment on the airplane - life vests (he even blew one up!), oxygen masks, wet/cold weather survival clothing, etc. Apparently, if the plane's going down you're supposed to be able to stagger over to the equipment lockers and pull on one of these rubber suits which will keep you warm and dry while you drift in the ocean. There is also a crash axe which you can use to cut your way out of the airplane (but only in the clearly marked 2'x2' space next to the axe, because there high voltage power lines running everywhere else).

When we were on the plane, the mission commander made me try one of the oxygen masks. They have an on-demand setting, as well as a full-on "cheek flap" mode. Surprisingly difficult to breathe when this thing hugging your face is trying to force air down your throat.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:36 AM on November 30, 2011

I'm a huge fan of the art on these. Seeing new ones is always one of the hidden pleasures of flying new airlines. The best one I've seen in the last few years was a Quantas one that had a Furby (!) drawn as part of the "no electronics" graphic.
posted by gemmy at 7:10 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]