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Avengers Assembling
February 29, 2012 7:34 PM   Subscribe

There is a new trailer for the Avengers movie and it is badass.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (402 comments total) 25 users marked this as a favorite

 
YES IT IS, IT IS BADASS, WHEN THE HULK GRABS IRON MAN AND THEN SHOVES HIS ARM INTO A BUILDING TO SLOW THEIR FALL, THAT IS BETTER THAN THE BIBLE.

I literally just watched it about 120 seconds before you posted this and have not yet come down.
posted by middleclasstool at 7:38 PM on February 29, 2012 [25 favorites]


If only the tagline could have been "BLACK WIDOW, WE'RE NEEDED."
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:39 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Is that Jörmungandr I spy with my little eye near the end? Why, yes... yes, I believe it is.

This pleases me.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:43 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


Somebody emailed to me and was all "WATCH THIS, IT IS AWESOME" and I was all "whatever" and then I watched it and now the world looks so different.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:43 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


WTF NO SUB-MARINER? NO GO.
posted by stargell at 7:44 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!
posted by The Whelk at 7:45 PM on February 29, 2012


All these movies emphasize one point:

Partying with Tony Stark is always dangerous, period.
posted by djrock3k at 7:45 PM on February 29, 2012


I have always hated The Avengers. Now, instead, i will spend a little time hating on Josh Whedon for making me excited about The Avengers.
posted by Joey Michaels at 7:46 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hulk punching helicopters in the air is where it's at. That's something the Hulk movies never quite got. Hulk isn't just a strong dude. He's nuts. He's like a tornado, except more powerful, with gorillas instead of wind. Even the good guys are sort of put off by the Hulk.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:46 PM on February 29, 2012 [35 favorites]


"duh duh duh duh duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh duh duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG *silence as title is shown* BWAAAAAAAHG"

-Seemingly every trailer outside of Oscar bait and romantic comedies for the past two years.
posted by codacorolla at 7:47 PM on February 29, 2012 [50 favorites]


The Mole Man looks awesome especially with that patch!

Oh, wait.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:47 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


"duh duh duh duh duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh duh duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG duh duh duh BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHG *silence as title is shown* BWAAAAAAAHG"

Yup, somebody should have patented that shit. They would literally have a gazillion dollars.
posted by tumid dahlia at 7:49 PM on February 29, 2012


.... I just caught up on Garth Ennis's amazing series THE BOYS and... well if you have read that comic you probably know what I'm thinking about this trailer...

If not, both "bad" and "ass" aptly describe it, just not together.

Does this make me cynical? I REALLY WANT to love comic book movies. I just can't seem to, at least not most of the recent ones. I'm honestly not trying to crap in the thread - it's something I've been struggling with lately as someone who loves movies and comics but can't seem to enjoy the two together. I'm genuinely curious as to what the appeal is with this newish style of comic book movie (everything is so, so clean, so so computerized, so "sexy," so splashy, so posture-y)... it seems so calculated and cynical and loveless... just fan service - ploys for high fives (aw, badass!) not real amazement.

(I don't expect many people to agree with me - I ask out of genuine curiosity)
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 7:50 PM on February 29, 2012 [13 favorites]


Having seen all the Marvel Movieverse build ups to The Avengers and pretty impressed with the overall quality ( Hulk was underrated, Capt America is Amazing, iron man two is eh, Thor is ..disappointing) I am very ..unreasonably excited for this motion picture marketing tie in event thing.
posted by The Whelk at 7:50 PM on February 29, 2012


HOLY SHIT CAPTAIN AMERICAMAN PUNCHED A BOXING BAG RIGHT TO DUST HE IS THE BEST SUPERHERO EVER
posted by tumid dahlia at 7:51 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


But... but.. we have to wait til May?! NOOOOOOO!!
posted by deborah at 7:52 PM on February 29, 2012


HULK MAD FACE DIFFERENT AGAIN!
posted by tumid dahlia at 7:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [15 favorites]


(anyone else read the logo as CAVENGERS?)
posted by girlhacker at 7:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


The part where Captain Hammer and Dr. Horrible team up to battle the threat to Earth but there's obvious tension between them because PENNY, OF COURSE THERE"S TENSION, DR. HORRIBLE yeah, that was awesome...
posted by Huck500 at 7:54 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also, in my quest to confirm that Hawkeye is the lamest hero ever made (he is, sort of) I found this article on Wikipedia: comprehensive list of trick arrows.
posted by codacorolla at 7:56 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


So, they've rebooted Watchmen this quickly?
posted by HuronBob at 7:57 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also, in my quest to confirm that Hawkeye is the lamest hero ever made (he is, sort of) I found this article on Wikipedia: comprehensive list of trick arrows.

Chimney sweep Arrow? Fucking hell. I hope the movie hits the climax when a raccoon gets stuck in a flue.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:58 PM on February 29, 2012 [24 favorites]


(I don't expect many people to agree with me - I ask out of genuine curiosity)

The acting is usually bad. The dialogue stilted. The plots lame.

But hey, for a lazy afternoon when they hit the $2 theater?
I'm all about the pointless explosions and pithy one-liners!
posted by madajb at 8:00 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Actually the two things I appreciated in the whole Marvel Movieverse are

1) running through the hulks entire backstory and origin during the opening credits

2) using everyone's actual name ( Tony, Bruce, etc ) as much as possible.

It's just ...refreshing

( oh and that Capt. America musical number but that just turns into me gushing about that movie again)
posted by The Whelk at 8:01 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


There is nothing they can do to fix Cap's goofy-looking mask.
posted by KokuRyu at 8:01 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


I watched that and things were good. Then someone had to mention The Boys. Now all I can think is how awesome it would be if someone made a movie - this style, the CGI, etc. - of The Authority. Screw this lot, I want to see serious wanton destruction.
posted by N-stoff at 8:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


Nice, if severely lacking in sufficient Coulson.
posted by rewil at 8:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


i have been screaming with psychotic glee over this ALL DAMN DAY omg omg omg omg.

IRON MAN TAKE ME AWAY

i am going to make such A Spectacle of myself in the imax theatre. again.
posted by elizardbits at 8:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]


The Authority

I am still not over how fucking stupid the Midnighter's costume looks in the DC reboot.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Joss Whedon must still be pissed about those crappy Mayor-snake special effects, huh?
posted by cgc373 at 8:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [15 favorites]


Yeah - I really would *want* to love this. I had a few issues of Avengers (well, maybe West Coast Avengers) in the late 80s/early 90s... But mostly I was an X-Kid.

But I couldn't. stop. looking at this trailer and thinking. CHRIST HOW SCRAWNY IS CAP!?

Like, I hate the macho American Captain America bullshit, but... this? This is ridiculous, seriously? You couldn't find someone who had a booming chest full of muscle and a nice tight suit that fit them and just worked right?

This kid would get his ass handed to him in 2 seconds flat. I don't get a fuck what kind of serum they gave him. That is NOT Captain America.

Everyone else looks fantastic and if they just got Cappy right I may want to watch it, but I think that just kills it all for me. *sigh*
posted by symbioid at 8:07 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Can someone explain to me how it is that Green Arrow and Black Widow are somehow in the same league as the unstoppable, unkillable, all-powerful radioactive green giant? Or the immortal Norse god?

Seriously, lady, what's your catsuit and little handgun supposed to do against the MASSIVE ELDRITCH ROBOTIC HORROR FROM OUTER SPACE?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:07 PM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]


You couldn't find someone who had a booming chest full of muscle and a nice tight suit that fit them and just worked right?

He was too busy making Thor.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:08 PM on February 29, 2012 [10 favorites]


i like this trailer better
posted by robbyrobs at 8:09 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


This is supposed to be better than the Captain America movie or the Thor movie or either of the Hulk movies because... they're all in it at the same time?
posted by Trurl at 8:09 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think that's Hawkeye. Green Arrow was DC.
posted by cazoo at 8:11 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


YES
posted by elizardbits at 8:11 PM on February 29, 2012


No Emma Peel, but assuming The Black Widow was married at some point (and we are assuming archaic pre-feminist marriage-bond rituals) she is still a "Mrs."

So Mrs. Black Widow will have to do. Too bad they didn't bring back Steed.
posted by clvrmnky at 8:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Okay so I'm going to just rain on this parade and come out and say it -

Captain America's costume here looks dorky as hell and I actually physically winced at it.

Other than that:

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:12 PM on February 29, 2012


jesus, they're just going to keep making this movie because you people are going pay to see it, aren't you?
posted by xmutex at 8:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


aside from Hulk punching things in mid-air, I'm still not too sold on this movie. But that's okay! Better to stand closer to the sea-level of Low Expectations than to fall face down the Cliff of Disappointment post-movie with no Hulk to catch me.
posted by cendawanita at 8:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


The thing is, for me, that OMG the Captain America/Iron Man/ Incredible Hulk movies where so good and now THEY'RE TOUCHING
posted by The Whelk at 8:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]


man just once I wish someone would put this kind of money into the comics I actually bother to go buy

well okay I never got around to seeing "Watchmen" anyway so maybe i wouldn't even go see it if - no, I would totally go see a movie based on the new "Prophet" omgwtf ♥♥♥

enjoy your cape films, folks what like the cape comics.
posted by egypturnash at 8:14 PM on February 29, 2012


Hey, cool, it's another Transformers GI Joe Avengers trailer.
posted by adamdschneider at 8:15 PM on February 29, 2012


Up with this sort of thing.
posted by device55 at 8:15 PM on February 29, 2012


I think that's Hawkeye. Green Arrow was DC.

That explains the lack of idiotic facial hair. But otherwise, master archer, trick arrows, no other powers: what's the difference?

My point still stands.

Still: this looks awwwwwssssssome!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:15 PM on February 29, 2012


It's ironic that people are lumping in "Watchmen" with standard comics action films. In fact, it's the most damning indictment of Zac Snyder's adaptation that I could imagine.
posted by mek at 8:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [27 favorites]


Steve Bissette has quite a bit to say about this.
The thought of sitting through another bloated multi-million dollar-budgeted charade about how “it’s right to fight for justice” when Marvel/Disney can’t cough up the equivalent of, say, one day’s shooting budget for catering or grips to toss a bone to Jack’s heirs—well, that act of enduring that film isn’t at all attractive or appealing to me any longer on any level.

THE AVENGERS? It’s a sham.

The only “team effort” Marvel/Disney understands, or chooses to apply to real-world treatment of those (other than Stan Lee; more on that later this week) who ensured there even was a Marvel Comics for Disney to purchase in 2010, is the team of lawyers they’ve regularly paid to ensure Jack Kirby, in his lifetime, and Jack Kirby’s heirs, since his death, get NOTHING.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 8:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [18 favorites]


Also, yes, I hope Black Widow gets some mission that is tailored to ber skills (spying, infiltration, sniper shit) to counter the fact that she's not a metahuman in a team if the biggest super meta humans ever.

I assume Hawkeye is going to be the Jayne of the group.
posted by The Whelk at 8:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


beaucoupkevin: thanks, that's the moral justification for pirating this film that I was looking for!
posted by mek at 8:18 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


This looks kinda meh.
posted by New England Cultist at 8:18 PM on February 29, 2012


in my quest to confirm that Hawkeye is the lamest hero ever made

Each Team needs their Ant-Man. With the Avengers, it's ...

Well, shit. It was Ant-Man. WHERE THE HELL IS ANT-MAN?

Oh, crap. Here he is. I stepped on him.
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:22 PM on February 29, 2012 [12 favorites]


I just caught up on Garth Ennis's amazing series THE BOYS and [...] it seems so calculated and cynical and loveless... just fan service - ploys for high fives (aw, badass!) not real amazement.

Sorry, couldn't resist.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:23 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Metafilter: it seems so calculated and cynical and loveless... just fan service - ploys for high fives
posted by Bunny Ultramod at 8:24 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


I’m with clvrmnky, every time I see a headline like this I’m thinking about the real Avengers. Having never been a Marvel fan it takes me a minute to even remember that there’s another Avengers.
posted by bongo_x at 8:24 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I still think they made Cap look like a chump.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 8:24 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


all of you people who do not like this thing that i like are wrong and bad

there, i said it
posted by elizardbits at 8:28 PM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]


Also above, the mention of transformers etc reminds me why I liked Captain America: The First Avenger. It felt like an action movie, an actual action adventure movie and not a CGI reel. Like it hit all the right tropes and all the right goalposts and it felt fun and old fashioned and Chris aevans can fucking sell the superhuman boy scout without winking or joking to the audience. It was basically the Superman movie I've always wanted, big and earnest and well-made.


On the other movies, Iron Man 1 is basically why these movies exist, it's fun, it's surprising, it runs entirely on RDJ's charm and that's enough to propel it almost to the end. The second one is more indulgent, its sloppier, the charm doesn't go as far and it has serious third act problems and is just kinda unsatifising and prefunctory and seems to exist largely to establish Black Widow and honestly it really didn't need to exist.

The Incredible Hulk is way better then it should be. Norton is a fantastic Bruce Banner and the story picks up right where it should, with Banner on the run, and lots of fun and not forced references to the TV show and generally following the outline of a Comic Book Adventure while being smart within the formula. It kinda looses the plot at the end and becomes a smash em up, but it's a well done smash em up and they bothered to make us care a little about the people doing the smashing. Liv Tyler is almost believable as a human being and that is a fucking miracle.

Thor is...ugh Thor is twenty minutes of a good movie surrounded by a hard shitty CGI shell. Yeah Asgard looks great and the art direction is really neat but it's clunkly lame fantasy peuesdo-epic storytelling and no real form or structure despite the fact that everyone seems to be trying really fucking hard to act it into being good. It's not, it's got a few good scenes with Thor unable to adjust to Not Being A God and Hey Earth Is Different, but anything interesting just gets buried and Natalie Portman is just coasting and ugh. I do not like Thor.
posted by The Whelk at 8:28 PM on February 29, 2012 [15 favorites]


I guess I'm sort of abstractly curious to find out if this movie winds up being better than the first two X-Men movies, seeing as how it has to deal with the same kind of problems (namely, the spotlight going here there and everywhere)

well okay I never got around to seeing "Watchmen" anyway

That movie basically perfectly distills everything that's bad about that comic: it's extremely self-important and thanks to Zach Snyder, panels that are pretty memorable in the comic become anvils hammered out of pure cringe metal – some shit you can say in a comic, but you just can't say on the screen. My advice is never get around to seeing it.
posted by furiousthought at 8:31 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sorry, couldn't resist.

jason_steakums - Have you caught up on The Boys? I thought the same for the first few story arcs. I've caught up and I'm now 1000% behind it. It's become as poignant as PREACHER ever was and aa brilliant a critique of the corporate infection of government as I've ever seen. A++++ would buy again!

(and the reason I brought it up is for a billionth of a second my heart jumped during the Avengers trailer when they said "we're not a team, we're a bomb" and I thought - oh shit, if this WERE a movie of THE BOYS... that would be explored fully... and would be amazing. As it is, I'm doubting that the concept gets more than a 2nd act stake raising sidestory leading into a single moment or two of choice making during the climax, etc. Whedon's not a bad writer but he's not a great one either).
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 8:32 PM on February 29, 2012


My point still stands.

Dude, Hawkeye's been part of The Avengers since 1965. I don't know what point you think is still standing, but "Relatively non-superpowered people don't belong in The Avengers" sure as hell ain't it.

That said, my slack-jawed love of special effects/Joss Whedon's cerebral cortex and my sneering hatred of greedy megacorporate fucking-over of artists are having it out in the Astro City of my mind right now.
posted by mediareport at 8:32 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Looks pretty bad.
posted by palbo at 8:33 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


CHRIST HOW SCRAWNY IS CAP?

ftfy
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:33 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]


...how it is that Green Arrow and Black Widow are somehow in the same league as the unstoppable, unkillable, all-powerful radioactive green giant?

♪ Angel Summoner
And BMX Bandit!

One can summons angels!
The other ri-ides a BMX!
They're a crime-fighting duo
Doo-doo-doo-duo
YEAH!♩
posted by Iridic at 8:38 PM on February 29, 2012 [25 favorites]


There is a new poster for the Avengers movie, and it is similarly bad ass...
posted by aeshnid at 8:39 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


"it's the most damning indictment of Zac Zack Snyder's adaptation that I could imagine."

FTFY
posted by HuronBob at 8:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


OMG THIS IS TOTALLY

meh.
posted by oddman at 8:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


1) The enemies are stupid. Skrulls? Loki? Nope.

2) The CGI for the hulk is... really bad. It would be great for animation, but it's, well, it's a cartoon in a live-action world. They should have gotten a pro wrestler on a wire rig, and in post, dyed him green and scaled him up a head and a half like they scaled down Toby Maguire in LOTR.

3) Hawkeye is awesome. He thinks and reacts almost as quick as Cap, and is a natural leader in that he can get more powerful and independent team-members to work together without needing to take over the show. His trick arrows tend to be methods of delivering some serious non-lethal ordinance with precision... think concussion arrows with a 30' blast radius, and he can put three of them onto fast moving enemies in as many seconds. ('80s OHOTMU entry for Hawkeye's Arrows. It's like police supply companies used this as a blueprint for products to sell to the riot squad in the '90s.) Much more effective against heavy hitters than Green Arrow - Hawkeye can really hold his own.

He also has a much better costume than in the comics, which is good, as his costume in the comics is terrible.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


AGENT COULSON

oh man I would pay money to see a full-length movie just of him grumpily herding superheroes like cats and threatening Tony Stark with tasings and timeouts, and you know, taking out bad guys with bags of flour
posted by zennish at 8:41 PM on February 29, 2012 [30 favorites]


What I learned from this trailer is that Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark steals the scene from anyone and everyone.

Kiss kiss, bang bang, indeed.
posted by maryr at 8:45 PM on February 29, 2012 [22 favorites]


I guess I'm sort of abstractly curious to find out if this movie winds up being better than the first two X-Men movies, seeing as how it has to deal with the same kind of problems (namely, the spotlight going here there and everywhere)

I am not a comic book fan, but I am a Whedon fan, and he never does anything that isn't an ensemble piece so I suspect if anyone can make it work, he can.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:49 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


What's funny is that this is Thor a few years ago.
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:49 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Note to anyone who is excited by this trailer and how badass-awesome it looks:

You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.
posted by ShutterBun at 8:49 PM on February 29, 2012 [13 favorites]


I've always liked the way comic book superhero teams involve characters with wildly disparate levels of power. The writer must devise some kind of menace that has to be fought by both Doctor Strange (multidimensional mega-sorceror who transcends reality) and Hellcat (funny feminist tough-chick who's good at gymnastics) simultaneously. The godlike heros get wimpier in a team book and the two-fisted schmoes become awesomer.
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 8:50 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


The only question that matters: Does Thor take his shirt off again?
posted by [insert clever name here] at 8:51 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Someone beat me to it but yeah, Captain America looks like he bought his costume online. It's like, Iron Man and Thor look awesome and then Cap comes into the frame and it's like, yeah, this is cheese city.
posted by bardic at 8:52 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think Watchmen movie is underrated considering it distilled a densely packed 12 issue series into about three hours. The opening credit sequence/exposition are about as close to perfect as you can get in a superhero film.

Avengers... I'm a DC guy, but I'll watch it and probably enjoy it enough to seeth with envy that it's not the Justice League of America up there.
posted by MegoSteve at 8:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.

Why? Nothing in the trailer indicates that the movie is going to be crazy racist.

I suppose that the giant snake robot may have testicles.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [9 favorites]


Toby Maguire in LOTR


Sean Astin, I meant Sean Astin.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:54 PM on February 29, 2012


You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.

Why? Nothing in the trailer indicates that the movie is going to be crazy racist.


Or homophobic. Or with badly-directed action sequences. Or completely lacking in sense.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:57 PM on February 29, 2012 [10 favorites]


Is that the same Captain America costume from the movie? Because I thought he looked pretty cool in the movie, and he just looks like sort of an asshole here.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:59 PM on February 29, 2012


No Hank Pym? No T'Challa? No NAMOR?!?!

(But Hawkeye is awesome because he's just some guy who has devoted his just-some-guy life to being BETTER AT ARCHERY THAN YOU ARE AT BREATHING and he hangs out with gods and gamma-irradiated forces of nature and super soldiers and HE HOLDS HIS OWN GODDAMMIT because he's JUST THAT GOOD.)
posted by BitterOldPunk at 9:02 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'll grant you the lack of homophobia (is that one of the more common complaints about Bay?) but the other two, sorry.
posted by ShutterBun at 9:03 PM on February 29, 2012


Hank Pym is getting his own movie later in the year presumably so they can slot him into an Avengers 2.

Edgar Wright will be directing with the writer if Attack Of The Block and it's said to be a COMDEY, so, yaaaaay.
posted by The Whelk at 9:04 PM on February 29, 2012


My problem with this movie is that the first Hulk movie sucked so bad that I skipped the second. Captain America looked embarrassing, and about the only reason I would ever consider seeing Thor is for Idris Elba. That's three crappy movies I'd have to sit through just to hope this one doesn't suck (and I love comic book movies).
posted by cjorgensen at 9:04 PM on February 29, 2012


You guys I think the Hulk may be CG.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.

WRONG.

Any criticisms of this trailer or the potential movie it advertises (and bear in mind that the two may be quite different indeed, but really who knows) are rendered null and void by this: It is impossible for a comic book movie to be too slick, too loud, too explodey. Not after all those years. All those goddamn years of being a comic fan.

If you were a kid who was into comics: The Burton Batman was pretty good. Then Batman Returns was pretty okay. The first Ninja Turtles movie was lots of fun. Then that was the last time your excitement was actually rewarded with a movie worth getting excited over until, what, Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man?

If you're shit-talking this movie, I just kind of want to pat you on your adorable little head, and try hard not to betray my envy that you apparently never experienced the Dark Ages; never experienced getting excited for the likes of this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and this and holy Christing fuck, this.

Just to be clear: All of the above are things that I read about either in their respective letters columns, or in Wizard magazine, and I only included live-action things. All of the above are productions about which the people involved had awesome things to say, and really tried to build serious hype for them. All of them. All of them.

So: It looks cliche? The exploding stuff looks a little samey for you? Hey, you know what, at least stuff actually happens in this motherfucker.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [36 favorites]


Uh what? 50 comments an no link to the Youtube version which you can watch full screen and in 1080p?

Weak.

Also, ugh. They use the same damn "Brrrrm..... Brrrrm.... Brrrmm" noise that's in every trailer now. Seriously don't people realize how cliche'd it is at this point? I pointed out the same thing with the Prometheus trailer

Not using it: The batman trailer, which of course is directed by the same guy as Inception. Chris Nolan understands too much of a good thing is, well, it gets old.
posted by delmoi at 9:07 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]


Sticherbeast: "Also, in my quest to confirm that Hawkeye is the lamest hero ever made (he is, sort of) I found this article on Wikipedia: comprehensive list of trick arrows.

Chimney sweep Arrow? Fucking hell. I hope the movie hits the climax when a raccoon gets stuck in a flue.
"

Well, seeing as that is a GREEN ARROW arrow, I highly doubt the presence of raccoons stuck in flues. Although I could so groove on some Squirrel Girl...
posted by Samizdata at 9:08 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah, Namor could kick so much ass, where is he!? I want my perpetually-enraged self-righteous king of the seas.

I will still watch it, of course, but I think it will fail to not disappoint me in a small way because of this.
posted by TheMidnightHobo at 9:08 PM on February 29, 2012


I really hope Hawkeye uses a Boxing Glove arrow, oh boy.

Seriously, before this trailer, I was a bit mystified by the relative absence of Hawkeye and Black Widow - why weren't we seeing them do anything? And now I know - because it looks COMPLETELY REDICULOUS for those two to be anywhere near The Hulk, Thor, or Iron Man in a fight and not rapidly wind up as a smear on the wall.

I will still download this though. Also, The Whelk is completely spot-on about The Hulk movie (Tim Roth as the bad guy? C'mon!). Sooooo much better than RJD being confident and cocky in his metal suit zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:08 PM on February 29, 2012


Cj, the second Thir movie has nothing to do with the first and is like, good, not great, good.

Captain America looks and feels like Raiders Of The Lost Arc or something, it was directed by th same guy who did The Rocketter, it is gloriously, full in retro adventure comics.

Thor is ...yeah okay Thor is kinda awful.
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 PM on February 29, 2012


N-stoff: "I watched that and things were good. Then someone had to mention The Boys. Now all I can think is how awesome it would be if someone made a movie - this style, the CGI, etc. - of The Authority. Screw this lot, I want to see serious wanton destruction."

The Boys? Awwwwwwwww YEAH!

Wee Hughie FTW!
posted by Samizdata at 9:09 PM on February 29, 2012


Thir should say Hulk, there.
posted by The Whelk at 9:09 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


My problem with this movie is that the first Hulk movie sucked so bad that I skipped the second. Captain America looked embarrassing, and about the only reason I would ever consider seeing Thor is for Idris Elba. That's three crappy movies I'd have to sit through just to hope this one doesn't suck (and I love comic book movies).

The second Hulk movie is a vast, vast improvement on the first; it more closely resembles an episode of the old TV show than Ang Lee's ponderous turd of a movie. It made me kind of sad that Norton didn't come back for The Avengers. It's not a life-changing epic movie but it's a decent way to spend an hour and a half.

Captain America is super fun; it was directed by the guy who did The Rocketeer, a surprisingly underrated movie. It doesn't take itself seriously for even a second. His stage costume is a dead ringer for the one the guy wore in the old Republic serials and if that isn't enough of a testament to the director's competence then I don't know what to tell you.

Thor's okay. It's the least memorable of all of the modern Marvel movies but it's a fun time and it has Chris Hemsworth being a lovable lunkhead, which he's surprisingly good at. Like pretty much all of the post-Iron Man Marvel movies, at the very least you won't regret the time you spent watching it.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:11 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


His thoughts were red thoughts: "Can someone explain to me how it is that Green Arrow and Black Widow are somehow in the same league as the unstoppable, unkillable, all-powerful radioactive green giant? Or the immortal Norse god?

Seriously, lady, what's your catsuit and little handgun supposed to do against the MASSIVE ELDRITCH ROBOTIC HORROR FROM OUTER SPACE?
"

As per my earlier smarty-pants comment, Green Arrow is DC, people! Ya'all forfeit your snarky comic book fan rights if you can't track the characters.

(Of course, Oliver would suck in the circumstances, that's why we're talking Clint Barton here.)
posted by Samizdata at 9:13 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


it is gloriously, full in retro adventure comics.

Folks who haven't seen the Captain America movie should take The Whelk's effervescence with a big grain of salt. It's not that great. For one (ginormous) thing, what should have been the main action sequence - Cap v. Nazi hordes - is stupidly chopped into completely storyless snippets that demolish any emotional connection and shit on the idea of action-as-telling-a-tale. It was a huge disappointment right at the moment the story should have been delivering something amazing, and the rest of the movie didn't really recover.

That's three crappy movies I'd have to sit through just to hope this one doesn't suck

Nah, you can skip the earlier films. Just watch the after-credit bits with Nick Fury if you feel you have to. But you know, I saw Serenity (after devouring Firefly) with a friend who'd never seen any part of the TV shows at all. We both thought it was a great film. Whedon's great at that kind of thing.
posted by mediareport at 9:15 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Not using it: The batman trailer , which of course is directed by the same guy as Inception. Chris Nolan understands too much of a good thing is, well, it gets old.

Almost all studio trailers are made by pretty small teams of people entirely unrelated to the production.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:15 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


SmileyChewtrain: "Sorry, couldn't resist.

jason_steakums - Have you caught up on The Boys? I thought the same for the first few story arcs. I've caught up and I'm now 1000% behind it. It's become as poignant as PREACHER ever was and aa brilliant a critique of the corporate infection of government as I've ever seen. A++++ would buy again!

(and the reason I brought it up is for a billionth of a second my heart jumped during the Avengers trailer when they said "we're not a team, we're a bomb" and I thought - oh shit, if this WERE a movie of THE BOYS... that would be explored fully... and would be amazing. As it is, I'm doubting that the concept gets more than a 2nd act stake raising sidestory leading into a single moment or two of choice making during the climax, etc. Whedon's not a bad writer but he's not a great one either).
"

OMG, Preacher AND The Boys in one comment?

runs off to change undies
posted by Samizdata at 9:15 PM on February 29, 2012


So there are adult MeFites out there who would pay money to sit through this? I managed 1m43s of the trailer, thinking there had to be a point or else it wouldn't have had an FPP here with this many comments.
posted by Dragonness at 9:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


2) The CGI for the hulk is... really bad. It would be great for animation, but it's, well, it's a cartoon in a live-action world. They should have gotten a pro wrestler on a wire rig, and in post, dyed him green and scaled him up a head and a half like they scaled down Toby Maguire in LOTR.
Did you watch it in 1080p? I watched it full screen and the hulk looked fine... you could really only see him for a second or two at a time, But the issue may be with missing details at low res.

Captain America's suit like it's actually real clothes, and not some shiny nonsense... but I don't see what's wrong with that. The movies are supposed to take place in the 'real world' and wearing a uniform that looks like it's made of real fabric is better then something surreal our cartoonish.
posted by delmoi at 9:18 PM on February 29, 2012


Famous Monster, I'm not sure why a list of shitty comic book movies (which people were excited about, but which ended up disappointing) is supposed to contradict me. I agree, those all sucked. People got excited about them, and were usually disappointed. Indeed, it's a rare comic book movie that doesn't suck.

So what's different about The Avengers, based on this trailer? Is it because people know it's Joss Whedon, so it's got geek cred?

It looks like every single other trailer for an action movie. Lots of explosions, the BWAAAA sound, a few cathchprases, that annoying fade-to-black every 5 seconds rule, etc.

So what's the difference? Has the franchise built up some momentum thanks to a few non-sucky origin movies? That's fine, but I honestly don't see anything in this trailer that would cause "directed by Michael Bay" to seem out of place.
posted by ShutterBun at 9:18 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


My only real concern isn't with Black Widow and Hawkeye, the fill two perfectly fine roles in a standard Action Movie Team ( Spy and Sniper, respectfully ) its that Hulk and Thor are kind of in the same role as the Heavy/Smasher/Hothead
posted by The Whelk at 9:19 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Almost all studio trailers are made by pretty small teams of people entirely unrelated to the production.

Sure, I realize that. Although I would bet Nolan is at least somewhat involved in the batman trailers.
posted by delmoi at 9:20 PM on February 29, 2012


Heeee!

I'm gonna be watching the shit out of that.
posted by Space Kitty at 9:20 PM on February 29, 2012


I'm holding out for a She-Hulk movie. They can both improve on standard comics-movie plots and cheap out on production by making it a legal thriller. It will be awesome.
posted by asperity at 9:21 PM on February 29, 2012 [12 favorites]


Whelk, they aren't building a group to run a dungeon in an MMO....
posted by Drumhellz at 9:21 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


Hulk and Thor are kind of in the same role as the Heavy/Smasher/Hothead

Yeah, but Thor's brother is the film's villain so presumably they'll be some actually acting on his part and dialogue and exposition, whereas Hulk is just RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:24 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah but narratively, a group action movie has pretty well defined roles and it just seems like there's too much overlap between Thor and Banner roles within the acts movie formula, but I assume that will fixed by having Thor be out of the picture for the last act requiring Bruce to hulk out.

And yeah, about the origin movies and why this is kinda different from other action movies, it's that, now having seen the previous movies, I'm kinda into these characters and I want to see what happened when they all meet each other and have to do plot required putting aside differences to save the world cause I really like Evans' Vap and RDJ's Tony and I want to see them kiss fight
posted by The Whelk at 9:26 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


I will watch this. I will enjoy it. But I will spend more mental energy than should be neccessary trying to forget that Norton should have been Bruce Banner.

I like continuity, dammit!
posted by Effigy2000 at 9:27 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


And yeah, the only sucky thing about Thor's relatives being the villain of the Avengers is that it might make you want to go watch the Thor movie and it's not ...unwatchable it's just kind of lame.
posted by The Whelk at 9:27 PM on February 29, 2012


I'm waiting for a Spider Man - Captain America - Wolverine movie, with Sentinels and Galactus as the baddies, with maybe Doctor Doom helping save the day. That would kick ass.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:27 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


So there are adult MeFites out there who would pay money to sit through this?

Well, out of respect for Kirby, no, probably not. I'll find a way to watch it for free later. But are you really in a comic book movie thread acting shocked that folks like comic book movies?
posted by mediareport at 9:28 PM on February 29, 2012 [17 favorites]


Have you caught up on The Boys?

Actually, I haven't gone past the first few arcs, but if it picks up and becomes more Preacher Ennis than "every 16 year old's 'edgy' superhero jokes" Ennis I might have to give it another shot! When he is good he is very, very good, but when he is bad etc.
posted by jason_steakums at 9:28 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Spiderman and the Xmen can't actually be a part of the larger Marvel Movie World cause of rights and distribution issues. First Class and the new Spiderman movie where all attempts to address this cause Marvel really wants all the movies under one umbrella so they can make an Avengers movie with any of them.
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh good I was just looking around for a thread where I can tell everyone that their tastes are inferior to mine!
posted by shakespeherian at 9:30 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


So what's the difference? Has the franchise built up some momentum thanks to a few non-sucky origin movies? That's fine, but I honestly don't see anything in this trailer that would cause "directed by Michael Bay" to seem out of place.

It's a comic book movie based on popular properties which at the very least looks like it will be fun to watch, and there are those of us who remember when that was the exception and not the incredibly depressing rule. I'm sure some people care that Joss Whedon is directing. I don't.

There are no big-budget action movie trailers which don't suggest Michael Bay; they have to put the biggest and explodiest part of the movie in the trailer. That is the business of trailers.

And even if this movie really is just another big, loud, dumb summer action movie, the thing about which I remain gloriously correct is that it's nice to finally live in a world where the worst thing one can say about an upcoming Marvel movie is that it might just be a little too workmanlike.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:33 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


Yeah I was thinking this movie would be a great place for the new Spider Man to make a cameo but I doubt Sony would cooperate.
posted by the_artificer at 9:34 PM on February 29, 2012


Thor was so disappointing. Basically since CGI got 'good', the world I most wanted to see created with that technology was Asgard. I guess I built it up too much in my mind - Kirby on the big screen, larger than life. It could have been far worse but it should've been far better. Actually, the recent Thor cartoons (like Hulk Vs. Thor) have been better at creating a sense of Asgard being a real place and not a green screen stage set, sad as that is to admit.

It took way too long for Thor to get his hammer and The Destroyer was about the only thing I really liked. Should've had Max Von Sydow or somebody as Odin too. Anthony Hopkins was just rediculous.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:35 PM on February 29, 2012


Lots of hate for THOR? I thought it was pretty good - the haughty patrician Asgard was contrasted with the real world quite well and Thor's doofusness served him well in the plot. Plus more Agent Coulson isn't a bad thing.

CAPTAIN AMERICA was also delightful. Marvel have learnt to make enjoyable blockbusters worth your attention.
posted by John Shaft at 9:36 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


The decline and fall of a civilization.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 9:37 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


FAMOUS MONSTER: "Captain America is super fun; it was directed by the guy who did The Rocketeer, a surprisingly underrated movie. It doesn't take itself seriously for even a second. His stage costume is a dead ringer for the one the guy wore in the old Republic serials and if that isn't enough of a testament to the director's competence then I don't know what to tell you.

Thor's okay. It's the least memorable of all of the modern Marvel movies but it's a fun time and it has Chris Hemsworth being a lovable lunkhead, which he's surprisingly good at. Like pretty much all of the post-Iron Man Marvel movies, at the very least you won't regret the time you spent watching it.
"

I seriously enjoyed Captain America, and bear an undying love for The Rocketeer. If it was a person, and I had, well, a womb, I would seriously consider bearing it's children. ROCKET-POWERED CHILDREN!

And I enjoyed Thor. Didn't expect too much heading in, and, thus was not disappointed.
posted by Samizdata at 9:38 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


FAMOUS MONSTER: "The second Hulk movie is a vast, vast improvement on the first; it more closely resembles an episode of the old TV show than Ang Lee's ponderous turd of a movie. It made me kind of sad that Norton didn't come back for The Avengers. It's not a life-changing epic movie but it's a decent way to spend an hour and a half. "

What is this other Hulk movie you speak of? There was only one - You know, the GOOD one, with police car boxing gloves and all.

(I really meant to add that to my previous comment but am tired from work...)
posted by Samizdata at 9:39 PM on February 29, 2012


Dragonness: "So there are adult MeFites out there who would pay money to sit through this? I managed 1m43s of the trailer, thinking there had to be a point or else it wouldn't have had an FPP here with this many comments."

To easily express my current opinion as a 44 year old MeFi...

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
posted by Samizdata at 9:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


Captain America also has Elder Stark AND a rollicking musical number.
posted by The Whelk at 9:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


oh man the musical number
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:41 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Which one had Hulk punching a radioactive dog in the balls? Because that one was at least pretty good.
posted by mediareport at 9:43 PM on February 29, 2012


The Whelk: "Captain America also has Elder Stark AND a rollicking musical number."

Elder Stark made of AWESOME, you mean.
posted by Samizdata at 9:43 PM on February 29, 2012


mediareport: "Which one had Hulk punching a radioactive dog in the balls? Because that one was at least pretty good."

Log off and leave this THREAD NOW, you alternate universe-dwelling freak!
posted by Samizdata at 9:44 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


I meant the dog ball punching scene. Just that, honest. It was...refreshingly blunt.
posted by mediareport at 9:49 PM on February 29, 2012


If you're chomping at the bit for Avengers action, the recent cartoons Ultimate Avengers and Ultimate Avengers 2 are actually much better than you might expect.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:50 PM on February 29, 2012


SO FUCKING SPOILERS LIKE SERIOUSLY but

The Musical Number
posted by The Whelk at 9:50 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


COULSON COULSON It is ridiculous how endearing I find him, I would show up for miniseries just to watch him politeness-judoing Tony MotherfuckingStark into submission. In fact I ask for entire movies of Agent Coulson teamed to fight evil with Darcy The Grad Student from Thor, in which Coulson agentspeaks the enemy into signing over their immortal souls and then Darcy finishes them off with a taser strike to the throat, because Darcy Lewis Can't Lose; and then they go eat waffles and do massive amounts of paperwork, Hot Fuzz-style, because Agent Coulson is nothing if not thorough.

Also yes there should be another musical number a la Captain America, I fundamentally cannot comprehend why there is not a musical number in every superhero movie. There are already fancy costumes and fireworks, WHY NO DANCING.
posted by nicebookrack at 9:51 PM on February 29, 2012 [24 favorites]


THE WHELK YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON

*highkick!*
posted by nicebookrack at 9:52 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Ha ha, I'd forgotten about sneaky Hitler.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:54 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


ShutterBun: "Note to anyone who is excited by this trailer and how badass-awesome it looks:

You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.
"

What sucks about Michael Bay has nothing to do with genre.
posted by brundlefly at 9:54 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


IS THIS LIVE ACTION ELF QUEST
posted by Brocktoon at 9:55 PM on February 29, 2012


There are already fancy costumes and fireworks, WHY NO DANCING.

You can blame emo-Tobey Maguire in Spiderman 2 for that. Ruined superhero dancing for everyone.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 9:55 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


You guys see the musical number in Captain America as a fun interlude, but I see it as a scathing commentary on how Marvel and DC have mismanaged their superhero film properties for so many years.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:55 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Oh, and here's an actual comment from the YouTube page for this:

‎"While as cool as this is, it be cooler if the American people rise up and reclaim their constitutional rights. Ron Paul America's Avenger 2012!"

That's a spoof right? Right?
posted by brundlefly at 9:56 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


COMPUTER SHOOTING DAD: I'm bringing the party your way.
posted by stinkycheese at 9:57 PM on February 29, 2012


The USO number in Capt. America was flown in from the Superman set in the 40s movie I've wanted since forever.
posted by The Whelk at 9:57 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thanks, now I'm picturing Ron Paul doing campaign appearances dressed as Captain America.
posted by MegoSteve at 9:57 PM on February 29, 2012


DOING HIGH KICKS
posted by The Whelk at 10:00 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


mediareport: "I meant the dog ball punching scene. Just that, honest. It was...refreshingly blunt."

Well, I suppose as there has never been a Hulk movie where the Hulk punches a dog in the wedding tackle, I will forgive you. But keep those ideas to yourself - some director might get an idea and make a hopelessly crappy comic book film where it happens.
posted by Samizdata at 10:01 PM on February 29, 2012


I like the end where they all stand in a circle so they can see a lot of stuff.
posted by iconomy at 10:01 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Ron Paul and Tony Stark are so goddamn jealous they never got to punch Hitler
posted by nicebookrack at 10:01 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Ron Paul and Tony Stark are so goddamn jealous they never got to punch Hitler

EVERYONE is jealous that they didn't get to punch Hitler! Who doesn't want to punch Hitler?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


I just hope Thor is still a culture-shocked super privileged jerk who doesn't understand human things in this, cause that was all he had going for him aside from abs and hair. We've got the Capt/Stark dynamic down (You're reckless and dissolute! Nothing like your father!/ You're a pompous boy scout who got lucky and I hated my father!) with Black Widow as the Voice Of Reason and again, I predict Hawkeye will be gruff comedic relief. Nick Fury is just an exposition device but I do hope agent Coulson gets to be completely MIFFED a few times.
posted by The Whelk at 10:08 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


What if the choice is between punching Hitler and tasing him?

Either way Cap gets bragging rights forever. Privatizing world peace < proving Fuhrer Adolf has a glass jaw
posted by nicebookrack at 10:10 PM on February 29, 2012


nicebookrack: "What if the choice is between punching Hitler and tasing him?

Either way Cap gets bragging rights forever. Privatizing world peace < proving Fuhrer Adolf has a glass jaw


Truthfully? I would tase Hitler in the junk, then kick him in the jaw, then back to tasing until the battery wore out, with the occasional kicking break to let my finger recover.
posted by Samizdata at 10:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


FAMOUS MONSTER: Like pretty much all of the post-Iron Man Marvel movies, at the very least you won't regret the time you spent watching it

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present exhibit A, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

YOU MUST CONVICT!
posted by moonbiter at 10:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]


I usually don't get gushy over actors but I swear the only thing that made me totally buy the jingoistic wink wink nudge nudge cartoon americana of Capt. American was Chris Evans' total and complete earnestness and refusal to wink at the audience or hint in any way that he was in a retro pastiche. He sells wholesome SO HARD and in the end you're all I'm totally fine with America having a super metahuman at its beck and call if it's someone that moral and Boy's Life Cover Illustration-y.
posted by The Whelk at 10:15 PM on February 29, 2012 [14 favorites]


Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present exhibit A, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Spirit of what now?

[Goes to youtube]

Ahhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The horror. The horror.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 10:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Thor is there, like his movie, to be adorkably fish outta water and court the female fanservice gaze. Hello ladies, Thor Odinsson here, he has gotten so dirty writhing with evildoers in the mud, he should definitely take off that filthy shirt before he kisses your hand, courtier-style. Look at your hand, the tickets are now diamonds!
posted by nicebookrack at 10:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [15 favorites]


Oh man I just found this and I want it to happen so bad. Just - kaboom.

The artist is the lovely gingerhaze, who also drew an unimpressed Black Widow!
posted by zennish at 10:18 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]


oh yeah Thor is the blatantly "Hello, Ladies" movie.

Iron Man is the one that actually works.
posted by The Whelk at 10:19 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


jason_steakums: Actually, I haven't gone past the first few arcs, but if it picks up and becomes more Preacher Ennis than "every 16 year old's 'edgy' superhero jokes" Ennis I might have to give it another shot! When he is good he is very, very good, but when he is bad etc.

Couldn't agree more and couldn't have been more surprised at how good it became. Around 24-25 or so (guessing, not sure where but around there) each issue begins to follow the Preacher-structure of "two guys having a beer and talking for dense panel after panel about honor, loyalty, regret, etc" to the 9th degree, and the characters deepen brilliantly. The 16 year old's edgy superhero jokes remain but become less and less funny in an artful and purposeful way.
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 10:20 PM on February 29, 2012


I'm holding out for a She-Hulk movie. They can both improve on standard comics-movie plots and cheap out on production by making it a legal thriller. It will be awesome.

And if it sucks you still have big ripe green melons.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:23 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


a good She Hulk movie would stop halfway into the climax to yell at the screenwriter and director.
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 PM on February 29, 2012 [14 favorites]


Any criticisms of this trailer or the potential movie it advertises (and bear in mind that the two may be quite different indeed, but really who knows) are rendered null and void by this: It is impossible for a comic book movie to be too slick, too loud, too explodey. Not after all those years. All those goddamn years of being a comic fan.

So did Michael Bay do the right thing with the Transformers series or not? (assuming the Transformers are close enough to being a "comic book movie" for comparison's sake)
posted by ShutterBun at 10:27 PM on February 29, 2012


They should do a movie based on The Four from Planetary.
posted by Ad hominem at 10:30 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


He sells wholesome SO HARD and in the end you're all I'm totally fine with America having a super metahuman at its beck and call if it's someone that moral and Boy's Life Cover Illustration-y

YES and that is so, so Cap and why it WORKS and you are helpless against him. And Tony is all "LOL IDEALISM, I am so cynical I went through the back of cynicism to seriousness again," and Cap goes "I'm not angry, just disappointed. No, actually I'm furious, but still SAD PUPPY EYES" and Tony goes "CURSE YOU AND YOUR INCORRUPTIBLE PURE PURENESS, I WILL NOT LET MY HEART GROW THREE SIZES THIS DAY," because his glowy magnet heart is secretly a tender squishy heart.
posted by nicebookrack at 10:31 PM on February 29, 2012 [21 favorites]


So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy.
posted by Trochanter at 10:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


needs more cowbell
posted by lampshade at 10:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


this is actually the first and only time when I COMPLETELY GET the fangirl slashidom in A Thing cause like, Golden Boy Super Boy Scout is going to butt heads with Charming but Amoral brilliant man about town and they are going to disagree on many things and I will project SO MUCH unwarranted sexual tension onto these scenes.
posted by The Whelk at 10:42 PM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]


KokuRyu: "I'm waiting for a Spider Man - Captain America - Wolverine movie, with Sentinels and Galactus as the baddies, with maybe Doctor Doom helping save the day. That would kick ass"

yeah I'm holding out for the Marvel vs. Capcom movie too
posted by DoctorFedora at 10:42 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


MODOK : The Movie
posted by stinkycheese at 10:50 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]


I will project SO MUCH unwarranted sexual tension onto these scenes

Not gonna lie, I'm trolling AO3 and the avengers-kink meme for fic as we speak. 1K+ or something and the movie's not out for months; you make me proud, fandom.
posted by nicebookrack at 10:53 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


These chumps have nothing on Lynda Carter.
posted by munchingzombie at 10:58 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]


NEEDS MORE LYNDA CARTER STYLE SPINNING
posted by nicebookrack at 11:01 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. You are all forgetting the most important thing here, which I will illustrate by going back in time and speaking to my 11 year old self:

"Hey self, guess what happens in the year 2012?"

"Um, ah, things hover?"

"No! But in May the whole damn world can't wait, CANNOT FUCKING WAIT, to see a movie adaptation of The Avengers."

"????"

"There's Iron Man, and Captain America, and the Hulk, and Thor, and some others, and we all take them very very seriously and when a giant floating snake threatens them in a trailer that we see we get SO EXCITED because WOW, the Avengers are going to kick the ass of that giant snake and it looks TOTALLY REAL to your 11 year old eyes. But we don't care because it's the FUTURE and we've since seen a bunch of really great, real-looking superhero movies! But this one is different. This one is the awesomest because it's like taking all of your toys out to play with all together except everyone gets to have fun at the same time!"

"But will there be pathos?"

"The fuck is wrong with you, kid?"
posted by greenland at 11:04 PM on February 29, 2012 [14 favorites]


Metafilter: "The fuck is wrong with you, kid?"
posted by SmileyChewtrain at 11:07 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]


ShutterBun, if Whedon's Avengers movie ends up deserving as hilariously savage a dissection of its complete plotlessness as this wonderful piece of film journalism, you might have some sort of point.

But it won't, and so you don't. I know, I know, you're having fun poking the fanboys. Next time try harder.
posted by mediareport at 11:08 PM on February 29, 2012


Can someone explain to me how it is that Hawkeye and Black Widow are somehow in the same league as the unstoppable, unkillable, all-powerful radioactive green giant? Or the immortal Norse god?

Seriously, lady, what's your catsuit and little handgun supposed to do against the MASSIVE ELDRITCH ROBOTIC HORROR FROM OUTER SPACE?
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 11:07 PM on February 29 [3 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]


I came in to say this.
posted by oneironaut at 11:21 PM on February 29, 2012


MODOK : The Movie

Starring Benicio Del Toro
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:23 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]


Seriously, lady, what's your catsuit and little handgun supposed to do against the MASSIVE ELDRITCH ROBOTIC HORROR FROM OUTER SPACE?

You are missing the point of Black Widow. She can kick ass and shoot stuff and all, but her REAL value is she's AN INTELLIGENCE AGENT. She's already read the dossier on the massive eldritch robotic space horror. She's got the blueprints. She's paid off the massive eldritch robotic space horror's college roommate and she's been rifling through his sock drawer. She's got a guy who knows a guy who happens to have the only anti-massive eldritch robotic space horror gun in the galaxy, and she's bribed the Kree ambassador to smuggle it to Earth.

And all this was like three years ago. THAT'S Black Widow. Her super-power is being PREPARED.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 11:34 PM on February 29, 2012 [31 favorites]


Black Widow has garroted Ceiling Cat and infiltrated all Ceiling Observation Facilities
posted by nicebookrack at 11:42 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]


I'd rather see Wasp than Black Widow. I now technically she's been an Avenger, but I wish they'd gone in a more classical direction.
posted by bardic at 11:47 PM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]


Black Widow's real value to this movie is not requiring as many effects shots as Wasp.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:52 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]


Ang Lee's Hulk was terrific, and the fact that it was terrific takes nothing away from any other movie.
posted by Ritchie at 12:04 AM on March 1, 2012 [11 favorites]


We hate Ang Lee Hulk cause was good, not like comic! We hate X-Men 3 because it fast, efficient, not like comic! Hate all things not like comic! Must smash! Go see Avengers, definitely not suck!
posted by Yowser at 12:11 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


what exactly about that preview was good? - looks like a typical action super hero film.
posted by mary8nne at 12:13 AM on March 1, 2012


So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy.

Well aren't you just the life of the party.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 12:15 AM on March 1, 2012 [10 favorites]


CAPTAIN MURLICKEY
METAL-GENT
TROH
HAWKINS
BLABBIDO
&
FLEXOR
ARE
THE BLABENGERS!

A JOSH WHEEDLE FLIM!
posted by tumid dahlia at 12:29 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


lol Black Widow is like "yeah lemme just load another clip into this little pistol here, I got your back Thor"
posted by tumid dahlia at 12:36 AM on March 1, 2012


Little Wal-Mart pistol. They must protect the bargains!
posted by tumid dahlia at 12:37 AM on March 1, 2012


what exactly about that preview was good? - looks like a typical action super hero film.

Yeah. Some of us like those. The typical-er the better. Sometimes I need intellectual stimulation, and sometimes I just want to get a righteous large blue ICEE sugar buzz and watch things go ka-blooey for two hours.

What I find interesting about the whole Marvel movie franchise at this point, is how much all of it rests on the success of first Iron Man movie. Kudos to whoever decided "Lets kick off a multi-billion dollar superhero movie franchise with the guy from Swingers and Robert Downey jr."
posted by billyfleetwood at 1:06 AM on March 1, 2012 [9 favorites]


80s OHOTMU entry for Hawkeye's Arrows.

Oh I see. Now if the trailer would just mention that Hawkeye's quiver has two-ply leather construction, people would be taking him a whole lot more seriously.
posted by straight at 1:27 AM on March 1, 2012


Thor's okay. It's the least memorable of all of the modern Marvel movies but it's a fun time

Thor has, by far, the best villain of any Marvel movie. Tom Hiddleston's Loki is great fun the entire time, and having him back for the Avengers is one of many reasons I'm optimistic about this movie.

Also, someone deserves an Academy Award for taking the phrase "rainbow bridge" and designing something that actually looks regal and godlike instead of making Asgard look like a My Little Pony set.
posted by straight at 1:47 AM on March 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


Thanks, now I'm picturing Ron Paul doing campaign appearances dressed as Captain America.

I'm picturing Ron Paul sneaking around behind the show girls and two adorable kids pointing and shouting, "Look Out!" from the audience and then Captain America turns around and punches him.
posted by straight at 2:02 AM on March 1, 2012 [11 favorites]


they aren't building a group to run a dungeon in an MMO....

Thank goodness they're not. They don't even have a healer! Such n00bs.

We hate X-Men 3 because it fast, efficient, not like comic!

Did you watch some alternate universe X3? One that didn't kill off a major character with all the emotional punch of a wet bag and you weren't even sure what the fuck happened? One that didn't try to cram in so many plots it barely had time for any of them?
posted by kmz at 2:14 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy.
posted by Trochanter


Why must you do this?
posted by Optamystic at 2:55 AM on March 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


Ok, this will be short and sweet. Never read any of the comics. Loved the first Iron Man, second one sucked. Mark Ruffalo is a great choice for The Hulk. Jeremy Renner is a good actor, no idea who that character is. Haven't seen the other movies. Joss Whedon is a great writer, but as a director (has been) visually underwhelming. Obviously he's thought this movie out to the inch; we'll see if the studio gave him full control.

Don't know if the movie is good, but that's a great trailer.
posted by zardoz at 3:33 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


One thing that has changed since the release of the last Marvel Studios film and this one is SOPA. These big summer blockbusters are kind of the scrap iron drives to build the warships that deliver ordnance like SOPA and PIPA, both of which Marvel/Disney supported. It'll be interesting to see if there is any sort of activism around that...
posted by running order squabble fest at 3:44 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


All this proves is that a 40-something RDJ is ..... yummy.

Mamma like.
posted by stormpooper at 4:07 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


(Huge Chris Evans and normal-sized RDJ essentially rage-flirting for most of the movie while Thor tries to get a word in is going to be .... very Whedonesque.)
posted by running order squabble fest at 4:12 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


Trochanter: "So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy."

I turn 48 this summer and I and my wife (who loves this stuff too) will be there opening weekend. Is that a problem? We love hi-brow stuff too, the last movie we went to was Melancholia, but this looks like a fun evening at the cinema. The action looks a little CGI-ish but I trust Whedon to humanize it.
posted by octothorpe at 4:12 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Now if the trailer would just mention that Hawkeye's quiver has two-ply leather construction, people would be taking him a whole lot more seriously.

Yes, exactly!

Well, that and the rocket-powered acid arrow.
posted by Slap*Happy at 4:13 AM on March 1, 2012


Thor has, by far, the best villain of any Marvel movie.
This is true, in my opinion. But the presentation of the rest of the movie must have been way off, because nobody but you and me seemed to notice.
posted by Critical_Beatdown at 4:28 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]



Note to anyone who is excited by this trailer and how badass-awesome it looks:

You don't get to complain about Michael Bay anymore.


Michael Bay makes good films. He's a variation on Spielberg in that one knows what they're getting from his films and shouldn't expect more from that particular creator. Still, you watch their films and enjoy them.

You don't go to Michael Bay films expecting a fantastic plot and character development. You go to get your lizard brain tickled and that's about it. Transformers 3 was great, because I walked into it wanting to see awesome special effects, along with the cathartic release of "fighting" an impossible battle and winning.

As to this particular trailer, it looks makes the film look more character driven (not surprising since it was written and directed by Joss Whedon), while having awesome action. Could I do a steady diet of such films. God no, I'd be sorely disappointed. The key, speaking only for myself, is to watch a mixture of films. One day, comic book movie, the next some indie flick, then say a well regarded major studio flick, then a smart comedy, then something totally stupid on tv (Happy Endings, I'm looking at you!).

Variety, my friend, variety is where it's at. Switch it up!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 4:32 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]



a good She Hulk movie would stop halfway into the climax to yell at the screenwriter and director.


My money, now you shut up and take it!
posted by mikelieman at 4:35 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Our world's about to bbbrrrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaaakkkkkk!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:37 AM on March 1, 2012


Yup, somebody should have patented that shit. They would literally have a gazillion dollars.

They could have been rich like Michael Bay. You do know that every time you see an explosion in a trailer, he gets a million dollars.
posted by Fizz at 4:45 AM on March 1, 2012


oh yeah Thor is the blatantly "Hello, Ladies" movie.

Iron Man is the one that actually works.


I don't know - I've always been a Hawkeye fan, some may claim he's lame, but I admit I've got a thing for a comic guy with a bow (Green Arrow? Bring some of your snarky playboy goodness...) So I'm sort of scratching my head at why Renner isn't being used as more than a sidekick at this point.

I guess my point is - this lady is going to pay the money to see Renner shoot arrows. Hemsworth can keep his shirt on.

(I was hesitant to see Captain America and Thor, but am a completionist. By the end of Thor I was rooting for Loki, but Capt was surprisingly endearing. I suspect it was the Elder Stark and Tommy Lee Jones though.)
posted by librarianamy at 5:12 AM on March 1, 2012


Renner isn't being used as more than a sidekick at this point.

He's been groomed to take over the Mission Impossible franchise from Tom Cruise. Not a whole lot of chance of him leading a Hawkeye spin-off if MI-5 is on offer.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:20 AM on March 1, 2012


Not a whole lot of chance of him leading a Hawkeye spin-off if MI-5 is on offer.

Ah, I'd blocked that out. There are few I can't stand more than Mr. Cruise, so that's a non-existing franchise for me.

While I agree with you, we've had a few points of actor duplication with super hero roles to set precidence. I'd argue that of the ones I can think of Renner is the strongest actor - As much as I think Ryan Reynolds is a pretty smartass, he did well in Wolverine. (As a Green Lantern fan, well, enough said.) And Chris Evans was in Fantastic Four before he was Captain America.
posted by librarianamy at 5:28 AM on March 1, 2012


(Happy Endings, I'm looking at you!)

Hold your horses!
posted by kmz at 5:31 AM on March 1, 2012


Meta.
posted by Ipsifendus at 5:35 AM on March 1, 2012


what is with the little gun? why can't the woman get a fucking bazooka or something?
posted by liza at 5:56 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


This is my 3rd or 4th look at that trailer and while it is impressive, I'm just waiting to be disappointed by this movie.

I was unimpressed by Captain America -- they cast the WRONG actor. Thor was meh. Can RDJ and Samuel Jackson carry a team movie? Very possibly. After years and years of brilliantly executed animated features and television shows from DC and Warner Bros., I'd hoped that the classier, more nuanced of the comic book companies might produce a corresponding team movie.

Joss Whedon's ability aside, I'm feeling that this movie as a star-vehicle for RDJ and Jackson more than anything else. The characters that have gained my sympathy -- Wolverine, Blade, Jessica Jones, Janet Van Dyne -- are all on other teams or different iterations of this one. Has the Black Widow ever been on any team besides S.H.I.E.L.D? She's got a kick-ass back-story and deserves her own movie... but Scarlett Johanson is NOT the actress to play her.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh and ugh. They've got my money on the first day, out of plain curiosity, but I'm not really sure this will grow legs. Then again, I'm not regular audience making a mallrat's choice of spectacles. This movie really isn't for me -- it's for people 30 years younger than me, who apparently don't buy or read comics, either. (I'm only guessing that direct market shops are doing poorly in other parts of the country.)

I sincerely hope Marvel make a big pile of money on movie, mostly so that they can stay in business long enough to make more films using characters that I am already invested in.
posted by vhsiv at 5:57 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Man, that SOPA reminder really hurts.
posted by mediareport at 5:58 AM on March 1, 2012


Great villains make great movies. And Tom Hiddleston is a great villain, perhaps even the best since Alan Rickman in Die Hard. RDJ as Iron Man vs TH as Loki sells this movie. Everything else is window dressing. And damn fine window dressing, too, but if Whedon doesn't build everything off that essential core it will just fall apart into shards. Here's hoping, he's got a good track record.

On the down side, the Hulk rendering looks absolutely terrible.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:07 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hiddleston's Loki was great, but I have such a soft spot for The Dude as a scenery-chewing, giant-robot-piloting supervillain.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 6:26 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


1.
Hulk isn't just a strong dude. He's nuts. He's like a tornado, except more powerful, with gorillas instead of wind.
See Startling Stories:Banner by Brian Azzarello and Richard Corben, 2001. I didn't know this existed before a few days ago, but this one demonstrates Hulk's 'natural disaster' aspect better than I've seen it done anywhere. I picked up a copy for cheap on Amazon.

(And that's THE Richard Corben (b. 1940) of Heavy Metal fame. I can only guess that Marvel paid him a mint to do it.)
posted by vhsiv at 6:31 AM on March 1, 2012


Hiddleston's Loki was great, but I have such a soft spot for The Dude as a scenery-chewing, giant-robot-piloting supervillain.

TONY STARK WAS ABLE TO BUILD THIS IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

Best line in that movie (and that's a good thing).
posted by zombieflanders at 6:32 AM on March 1, 2012 [8 favorites]


Ad hominem: "They should do a movie based on The Four from Planetary."

Because, you know, it's a strange world. Let's keep it that way.
posted by Samizdata at 6:40 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do you know what I did when I was 15? I'll tell you what I did -- it's a thing that ranks amongst the 5 dumbest things I've ever done in my life, and the other 4 are all mighty fucking dumb. Although I haven't strictly ranked the top five yet, I'm thinking now in light of this news that this dumb thing might have been The Dumbest Thing of All.

In 1978, I sold an excellent condition copy of Avengers #1 for $35.00.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:41 AM on March 1, 2012


Trochanter: "So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy."

Well, I hate to burst your tragically hip irony bubble there, buddy, but, as I stated earlier, I am 44. That ain't young any way you slice it. And no, I didn't hate to burst it, frankly.
posted by Samizdata at 6:43 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Optamystic: "So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy.
posted by Trochanter


Why must you do this?
"

Because, we are all having fun. His powers are incomplete if anyone else but him is having fun.
posted by Samizdata at 6:46 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


So, so depressing. More garbage from the garbage factory. You guys must all be really young, is all I can think. Good on you, I guess. Enjoy.

Allow me to add to the pile-on of us older folk coming to tell you you're wrong. I'll be 42 this year and I absolutely cannot wait for this movie. I will cheerfully admit to clapping my hands in glee at certain parts of the trailer. I'm excited about this, as I have been for all of the Marvel movies. I love them, unabashedly. Even the bad ones.

I shouldn't have to say this, but I will: I even like intellectual movies. I read novels - actual novels! - during any free time I have. I create art. I go to museum lectures. I attend the theatre (YES, 'RE' theatre). And the ballet and the symphony. AND I LOVE COMIC BOOK MOVIES. I bet there's stuff you do that I would privately think is dumb...but that's just it. I'd think it to myself and I wouldn't jump into a thread specifically about that stuff you like but that I don't just to shit on it.

Oh, also? I'm a woman.
posted by cooker girl at 7:01 AM on March 1, 2012 [12 favorites]


The only thing keeping Jeff Bridges calm and relaxed and not evil is his hair. It's like a reverse Sampson thing.
posted by The Whelk at 7:04 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also re: She Hulk, there needs to a series of increasingly absurd events until she turns around, looks up who the screenwriter is on imdb, goes to his house and smacks the MacBook out of his hand saying she's gonna write her own damn ending
posted by The Whelk at 7:13 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


2.
Now all I can think is how awesome it would be if someone made a movie - this style, the CGI, etc. - of The Authority. Screw this lot, I want to see serious wanton destruction.
This can't happen. Hollywood remains 23 years behind the comic book publishers. Watchmen was published in 1986. Even Zach Snyder's film soft-pedaled the darker aspects of that story. I have yet to see any of these movies (Marvel or DC) deal with the personal shortcomings of their heroes. We got emo pity out of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man, but that didn't mean much, since they fucked-up Gwen Stacy's story.

Meta meta heroes like The Authority cannot be understood by a general audience, especially if Warner Bros. is holding the purse-strings. If WB can't get their George Miller helmed JLA off the ground, lower-profile alter-heroes don't have a chance. It would dilute the JLA brand.
posted by vhsiv at 7:14 AM on March 1, 2012


Also re: She Hulk, there needs to a series of increasingly absurd events until she turns around, looks up who the screenwriter is on imdb, goes to his house and smacks the MacBook out of his hand saying she's gonna write her own damn ending

A thousand, nay a million times yes. Every time Jennifer Walters appears in something that does not do violence to the fourth wall, it diminishes us as a species.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 7:17 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


I wasn't able to put any forth wall breaking in my she hulk thing but that's cause I only had like five pages.
posted by The Whelk at 7:23 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


She-Hulk would be great even just as a lawyer movie.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:28 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


I see it has a kind of Harvey Birdman thing myself
posted by The Whelk at 7:32 AM on March 1, 2012


Actually it'd be great if it was a serious and tense legal drama that just happened to star a bright green lawyer.
posted by The Whelk at 7:45 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yeah. And no one really remarks on it. There's a scene where she nonchalantly lifts a car out of a no-parking zone, but that's it.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:46 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hulk isn't just a strong dude. He's nuts. He's like a tornado, except more powerful, with gorillas instead of wind.

And now nothing else need be said about the Hulk, ever again.
posted by steambadger at 7:52 AM on March 1, 2012


I think what we all really want to know is Hulk going to eat Freddie Prinz Jr. in this movie?
posted by entropicamericana at 7:59 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


Her super-power is being PREPARED.

We see lots of armoured humvees with 50 calibre rifles firing up into the air. We see Nick Fury say, "we are hopelessly outgunned". Then we see Black Widow smack a new clip in her tiny little secret agent gun.

I get what you're saying, but given all that, Black Widow should be in a command centre somewhere with Mr. Fury, far from the action.

I mean, Tony Stark is supposed to be a master of arms manufacturing and his teammate has a leather suit on and a handgun? That doesn't make a lick of sense. Put her in the War Machine armour, for pete's sake (except then she'd be War Machine and we couldn't see how 'hot' she is).

This may turn out to be a fantastic movie, but that shot of her re-loading her pistol is always going to look stupid.
posted by stinkycheese at 8:07 AM on March 1, 2012


She-Hulk would be great even just as a lawyer movie

Single Female Lawyer,
Fighting for her client!
Wearing sexy miniskirts Beating up the villainous
And being self-reliant!
posted by nicebookrack at 8:11 AM on March 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


Oh my. Another superhero movie. Be still, my beating heart.
posted by Decani at 8:12 AM on March 1, 2012


We see lots of armoured humvees with 50 calibre rifles firing up into the air. We see Nick Fury say, "we are hopelessly outgunned". Then we see Black Widow smack a new clip in her tiny little secret agent gun.

Nope, you're see her doing some acrobatics to take out someone, leading the forces to collect the Hulk and counseling Hawkeye.

This may turn out to be a fantastic movie, but that shot of her re-loading her pistol is always going to look stupid.

That really depends on what they're up against. Every Earth invasion has foot soldiers, no reason why her and Hawkeye can't be handling those, while the superpowers deal with the heavy hitters.

However, I'm amused by people pointing out that Black Widow is sort of underpowered or doesn't belong. At least her and Hawkeye have offensive weapons, Captain America doesn't even have that, just a nifty shield. Hell, at least she has a gun, instead of a bow and arrow.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:14 AM on March 1, 2012


Black Widow is the most obvious anomaly because she is the most 'human' and least 'super'. I agree that Hawkeye looks similarly out of place and I already noted he'd likely be a smear on the wall if this sort of thing actually went down.

As to Captain America, it's probably best I don't even get started. At least he's bulletproof, I guess.
posted by stinkycheese at 8:21 AM on March 1, 2012


Bah. Black Widow isn't underpowered, she's differently powered. Her power is stealth, agility, cunning and pin-point accurate lethality. That's why teams work. She's not a tank or a healer or a mage, she's a rogue.
posted by seanmpuckett at 8:23 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Hmm ... so maybe Barbarian (Hulk), Paladin (Cap), Rogue (Black Widow), Fighter/Archer (Hawkeye), Sorcerer (Iron Man), Cleric (Thor) ...

Not all of those quite work ...
posted by kyrademon at 8:30 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Black Widow is the most obvious anomaly because she is the most 'human' and least 'super'.

Based on the movies she's been in, it would not be wise to underestimate the character's abilities.

I get your larger point i.e. why aren't they all wearing some form of Stark armor or at least using similar weapons. Because that would be a boring movie if they all the same abilities.

Really, there's a Norse God running around and a massive large green guy. One just has to suspend disbelief.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:33 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


If James Bond had peak human acrobatics and agility and was equipped by a Q who dabbled in SUPER science, I would not dismiss him as an asset when the crazy alien shit went down. So Black Widow fits just fine to me.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:34 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Hmm ... so maybe Barbarian (Hulk), Paladin (Cap), Rogue (Black Widow), Fighter/Archer (Hawkeye), Sorcerer (Iron Man), Cleric (Thor) ...

Not all of those quite work ...
Actually, with the exception of Thor, they work for me. For him, I'd go with the munchkin choice of "Diety"...
posted by Critical_Beatdown at 8:36 AM on March 1, 2012


Fighter/Archer (Hawkeye)


...ranger?
posted by adamdschneider at 8:42 AM on March 1, 2012


...lover?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:47 AM on March 1, 2012


However, I'm amused by people pointing out that Black Widow is sort of underpowered or doesn't belong. At least her and Hawkeye have offensive weapons, Captain America doesn't even have that, just a nifty shield.

Well, he can throw the shield. That is, it can be either defensive or offensive, but not both simultaneously.

However, you can see a flash of blue on the Black Widow's wristbands as she reloads her gun - my guess would be that she has some sort of Stark-designed "widow's bite" energy weapon built in, which is currently out of charge or recharging. It's also possible at this point that the SHIELD conventional forces they were working with have been wiped out, and they are regrouping with what remains - i.e. the superheroes. Given that Coulson is the connecting tissue of many of the heroes, and that Hawkeye works for Coulson, and the Black Widow previously shadowed Tony Stark, it's conceivable that they are part of a superhero-soldier liaison team...

Hold up. I'm fanwanking, aren't I? They are there because Wolverine beat Lobo.
posted by running order squabble fest at 8:51 AM on March 1, 2012


Well, he can throw the shield. That is, it can be either defensive or offensive, but not both simultaneously.

Which is silly. Yes, get rid of your one defense for more or less one time usage. Oh, what's that, it bounces back to him? Yeah right, like that makes sense.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:55 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Crazy alien shit like a HUGE solar beam from a satellite? No problem for 007, he'll just surf on out of there on his improvised wind surfer! Or how about Indianna Jones surviving a nuclear blast by rolling with it inside a fridge?

My point? When cinematic human beings - no matter how skilled or adventurous or acrobatic or smart - get hit or 'attacked' by superhero-dimension attacks, it looks really dumb even if they do survive.

Even Spider-Man or Batman don't mess with that sort of thing, generally. Because it looks so painfully bad. You *have* to be a god or a gamma-enhanced green monster or a cosmic ray-created rock man just to reasonably take these things and keep standing.

Again, I haven't seen the film. Maybe Black Widow doesn't actually stand in the middle of a city street taking on all comers with no more protection than your average motorcycle rider wears while riding their bike - but that's what the trailer shows us.
posted by stinkycheese at 8:56 AM on March 1, 2012


Hawkeye is a Ranger, and Thor is some sort of Giant-kin.
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:57 AM on March 1, 2012


Maybe Black Widow doesn't actually stand in the middle of a city street taking on all comers with no more protection than your average motorcycle rider wears while riding their bike - but that's what the trailer shows us.

Hey, at least she has sleeves, unlike Hawkeye.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:59 AM on March 1, 2012


I guess with all this D&D talk this is a good time as any to do alignment mapping. Cap - Lawful Good, Stark - Chaotic Good, Hulk - True Neutral, BW - Lawful Neutral?

re: dinky weapons: As I understand it, yes, Hawkeye and his bow will generally be underpowered compared to the high demolition capabilities of Ironman and Thor. He does play a valuable role, however, as a trump card against the Hulk, most likely some kind of SHIELD-developed countermeasure arrow to neutralize Banner at just the right moment.

Hulk is such a big deal, he could have been the sole villain for a first Avengers movie.. some kind of monster flick. The ultimate loose cannon. And yet we sympathize with Banner and Whedon could have had a field day with all the moral ambiguity and whatnot.

Also, another +1 to the comment above that said the Thor movie wasn't that bad. I just wished it had more LO, I SAY THEE NAY flowery dialogue. I mean, wasn't that the point of having someone like Kenneth Branagh direct?
posted by marco_nj at 9:04 AM on March 1, 2012


HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST HAWKEYE SHOULD HIDE THOSE AMAZING SHOULDERS
posted by nicebookrack at 9:05 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


YAYAYAYAYAYAY! We will be in the US when the film is released, in NY, NJ and Las Vegas. I have told my other half that it doesn't matter when or in which of those cities we see it, we must see it on the BIGGEST POSSIBLE SCREEN.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:05 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Isn't the shield mjolnor or whatever, ie the same metal as thor's magic hammer that returns to him as well? There could be the assumed "the shield chose him" point.
posted by mrzarquon at 9:06 AM on March 1, 2012


Put her in the War Machine armour, for pete's sake (except then she'd be War Machine and we couldn't see how 'hot' she is)

HOT War Machine armour...
posted by mikelieman at 9:08 AM on March 1, 2012


In the movieverse at least, Cap's shield is vibranium, the same metal that Tony invents in Iron Man 2 to replace the palladium in his chest arc reactor that's slowly poisoning him.

Why do I know this
posted by nicebookrack at 9:09 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, what's that, it bounces back to him? Yeah right, like that makes sense.

Well, it's clearly a magic item.
posted by adamdschneider at 9:10 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Vibranium Shield of Returning +5, +10 against logic
posted by Sticherbeast at 9:14 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wait, that was supposed to be vibranium in Iron Man 2?

I really wish they'd been more clear about that, I might actually have cared somewhat about the otherwise useless subplot.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:17 AM on March 1, 2012


Isn't the shield mjolnor or whatever, ie the same metal as thor's magic hammer that returns to him as well? There could be the assumed "the shield chose him" point.

The hammer is called Mjolnir, and it's made of uru metal - forged in the heart of a dying star, as Anthony Hopkins was keen to point out. The shield is made of vibranium - or rather, the shield in Captain America: the First Avenger was made of vibranium, a very rare but earthly metal. Because somehow it made sense to give the entire world's supply of vibranium to Tony Stark, it made sense to Tony Stark to hammer it into a convex disk and give it to a man notable for entering high-risk areas full of science-nazis, and it made sense to Captain America repeatedly to throw it at Nazis

That said, Tony Stark has been futzing around with other models of Cap's shield in the Iron Man movies, so maybe he's getting a new one which shoots lasers.
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:17 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


But! In the comics is one of the handful of people who is Nobly Worthy enough to pick up Mjolnir (without cheating). Others include Wonder Woman and random unnamed paramedic. Needless to say I will totally fansquee if there is random low-key "Oh hey Thor you dropped your hammer here you go buddy" casual handoff from Cap and/or paramedic.
posted by nicebookrack at 9:18 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


* in the comics Cap is
posted by nicebookrack at 9:18 AM on March 1, 2012


Right, Hawkeye is a Ranger, can't believe I blanked on that.

I was going with cleric for Thor because (A) divinely sourced powers, and (B) uses a hammer rather than edged weapons, if we want to be old-school about this.
posted by kyrademon at 9:19 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, heavy armor.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:19 AM on March 1, 2012


I think you meant Howard Stark made the shield.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:20 AM on March 1, 2012


In the movieverse at least, Cap's shield is vibranium, the same metal that Tony invents in Iron Man 2 to replace the palladium in his chest arc reactor that's slowly poisoning him.

Hold up - Cap's vibranium shield exists in World War 2 - so Tony Stark isn't inventing vibranium, surely? It already exists and is documented, even if the world's entire supply was used for throwing at Nazis. What he is inventing is a new element somewhat like a synthetic version of the Cosmic Cube/Tesseract, which is what Howard Stark finds in the ocean but cannot reproduce with the technology at his disposal. Which is why it produces huge amounts of power and - critically - glows blue.

Right?
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:20 AM on March 1, 2012


I think you meant Howard Stark made the shield.


Oops. Yes, I do. Howard Stark made the original shield, Tony Stark has been futzing around with new versions of it.
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:21 AM on March 1, 2012


I don't think they ever specifically state what the new element is in IM2, actually.
posted by elizardbits at 9:24 AM on March 1, 2012


Hmmm squabble fest I thought I was quoting from the IM2 novelization* but a)I may misremember it or b)the novelization lied to me.

*DON'T JUDGE ME
posted by nicebookrack at 9:28 AM on March 1, 2012


I don't think they ever specifically state what the new element is in IM2, actually.


No - but Howard Stark's notebooks contain pictures of the Hypercube/Tesseract/Cosmic Cube, and Captain America: The First Avenger has him fishing the Cube out of the ocean and starting to run tests on tiny fragments of it, which reveal it to have the power to generate huge amounts of energy - which Nick Fury confirms at the end of Thor

Given that the arc reactor was supposed to generate endless free energy, and that Iron Man's palladium-powered chest reactor is based on arc reactor technology - which ends up being perfectly suited to the new element he has created - I think it's strongly implied that there is a connection between the two.
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:28 AM on March 1, 2012


Because somehow it made sense to give the entire world's supply of vibranium to Tony Stark, it made sense to Tony Stark to hammer it into a convex disk and give it to a man notable for entering high-risk areas full of science-nazis, and it made sense to Captain America repeatedly to throw it at Nazis

If the entire world's supply of vibranium is ten pounds, what else are you gonna do with it?
posted by Etrigan at 9:28 AM on March 1, 2012


If the entire world's supply of vibranium is ten pounds, what else are you gonna do with it?


Semiconductors?
posted by running order squabble fest at 9:30 AM on March 1, 2012


They could at least have plated Cap's skeleton with vibranium, that always works well.
posted by nicebookrack at 9:31 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Well, to be fair, in the new movie Cap is wearing Vibram FiveFingers
posted by KokuRyu at 9:33 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Vibranium Fivefingers would both solve their terrible durability problems and give me a rockin advantage in the dojo. I approve.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:36 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Watching the scene now (where Cap gets the shield), its just stated that is the only supply of the metal.

If Howard Stark had been playing around with it, but didn't have the resources to mass produce it in the 1940s, that is how he could say "this is all we got" it's his magic metal he made, but couldn't produce enough in large enough quantities. Hence his legacy to Tony, to have him solve it. And I'm guessing the magic blue power part of it is from the Vibranium being used in the arc reactor's design.

(And in the novelization Tony names it Vibranium after Vibranum, a made-up element which might be what the shield is made out of, and Uranium, because it glows or something).
posted by mrzarquon at 9:40 AM on March 1, 2012


bardic: "I'd rather see Wasp than Black Widow. I now technically she's been an Avenger, but I wish they'd gone in a more classical direction."

I'd rather have seen Wasp and Black Widow. Or, better yet, Pulsar (formerly Captain Marvel, a.k.a. Monica Rambeau). Nevermind the token girl, how's about an actual nonwhite character on the main team?

Wasp certainly has better historical cred, though. I think she wasn't left off the roster for effects cost reasons - flying, shrinking, and little electrical bolts are all pretty bog-standard effects, and two of the three are going to be used on existing heroes in the film already. (All three, if you call it "size alteration" and count the Hulk's bulking up.) It's because her backstory is a sidebar to Ant-Man, and they didn't want Ant-Man in the film. Black Widow is at least historically supporting cast for several of the heroes actually in the film. (Find a major heroine in Marvel who isn't someone's spinoff? Good luck.)
posted by Karmakaze at 9:41 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Would Vibranium Five Fingers have the same boomerang ability as the shield? You'd end up punching yourself in the face a lot.

"BOOMERANG! YOU DO ALWAYS COME BACK!"
posted by nicebookrack at 9:42 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


Monica is being saved for the completely faithful Nextwave movie that I know in my heart is coming.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:47 AM on March 1, 2012 [7 favorites]


I also approve of Black Widow AND Wasp, and further nonwhite team members. And I would cheerfully kill to get Monica "I Totally Led The Avengers" Rambeau on the screen team, because that opens the door to my deep personal fantasy that is live-action NEXTWAVE: Agents of H.A.T.E.

AVENGERS 2: HEALING AMERICA BY BEATING PEOPLE UP
posted by nicebookrack at 9:51 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't think they ever specifically state what the new element is in IM2, actually.

I think it's Vibranium in the deleted scenes. That's why his new chest logo is the upside-down triangle.

And I would cheerfully kill to get Monica "I Totally Led The Avengers" Rambeau on the screen team, because that opens the door to my deep personal fantasy that is live-action NEXTWAVE: Agents of H.A.T.E.

AVENGERS 2: HEALING AMERICA BY BEATING PEOPLE UP


I don't know what the upper limit on the money I would pay to see Nextwave done right is, but I do know that it's a lot.
posted by zombieflanders at 9:53 AM on March 1, 2012


Nevermind the token girl, how's about an actual nonwhite character on the main team?

WHOA WHOA WHOA. Let's not go crazy here.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:55 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


^ re:Agent Coulson:

If they were doing this franchise on a tighter budget, Coulson would be a necessary invention. He'd be the establishing P.O.V. for what we'd eventually come to see as a collection of narcissistic vigilantes out to score women and soda franchises. But we haven't declined into thatt kind of parody yet, unless you count Mystery Men (1999).

Neither Marvel or Disney is ready for one of their marquee brands to descend into
The Authority and it's jokey, post-modern deconstructions.
posted by vhsiv at 9:56 AM on March 1, 2012


Nevermind the token girl, how's about an actual nonwhite character on the main team?

The Hulk is green. Are you minimizing the contributions of Green-Americans to modern society?
posted by elizardbits at 9:57 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


Neither Marvel or Disney is ready for one of their marquee brands to descend into
The Authority and it's jokey, post-modern deconstructions.


I say thee NAY!
posted by nicebookrack at 10:01 AM on March 1, 2012


"BOOMERANG! YOU DO ALWAYS COME BACK!"

Favorited for Sokka reference.
posted by pts at 10:02 AM on March 1, 2012


But we haven't declined into thatt kind of parody yet, unless you count Mystery Men (1999).


Or The Specials!

(Am now off to work out a unified field theory in which the Cosmic Cube and vibranium are different expressions of the same thing. So, this means that there is no vibranium under Wakanda, presumably, and thus no techno-Utopia in Africa, and therefore no Black Panther, or at least a very different Black Panther...)
posted by running order squabble fest at 10:06 AM on March 1, 2012


Bah. Black Widow isn't underpowered, she's differently powered. Her power is stealth, agility, cunning and pin-point accurate lethality.

And surprise! And ruthless efficiency!
posted by kmz at 10:09 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


I mentioned the Ultimate Avengers cartoons. FWIW Wasp and Giant Man are in the first one (and the second too, I think). The second one is basically about Black Panther.
posted by stinkycheese at 10:13 AM on March 1, 2012


elizardbits: "Nevermind the token girl, how's about an actual nonwhite character on the main team?

The Hulk is green. Are you minimizing the contributions of Green-Americans to modern society?
"

Hulk is not green. Take a look at Bruce Banner. Hulk is just some guy going around in greenface.
posted by Karmakaze at 10:13 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


She also has the fascinating power of being able to hide a frankly disturbing number of both projectile and melee weapons somewhere inside a skintight leather catsuit.
posted by elizardbits at 10:13 AM on March 1, 2012


For my money, the very best line of the Thor movie is where some poor actor has to do their best to utter solemnly that "Odin has entered the Odinsleep." I had to pause it for awhile at the time. And to this very day, many nights when I turn in, I will announce "I must now enter the Drasticsleep!"
posted by Drastic at 10:14 AM on March 1, 2012


I demand a Black Widow movie. DEMAND.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:14 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Whelk: On the other movies, Iron Man 1 is basically why these movies exist, it's fun, it's surprising, it runs entirely on RDJ's charm and that's enough to propel it almost to the end.

Agreed.

The Incredible Hulk is way better then it should be. Norton is a fantastic Bruce Banner and the story picks up right where it should, with Banner on the run, and lots of fun and not forced references to the TV show and generally following the outline of a Comic Book Adventure while being smart within the formula.

Again, agreed. Ed Norton is perfect in that movie. In fact, the whole cast is great. Saddest thing about the Avengers is that they screwed over Ed Norton in favor of another actor for the Hulk (though I am glad to see that apparently others more familiar with his work think this new guy will do a good job, at least).

Thor is...ugh Thor is twenty minutes of a good movie surrounded by a hard shitty CGI shell.


Sorry, but this is just completely WRONG. And you were doing so well!

Casting is perfect, first off. Guy looks like he could be a Norse god, seriously. And the best moment in the film [SPOILER ALERT!!!] is when the arrogant, reckless, braggadacio Thor fights his way to Mjolnir (with even Hawkeye muttering, after his epic battle to get there, "I'm starting to like this guy"), reaching out, in the rain and the mud and the chaos, to wrap his mighty fists around the Hammer....and cannot even lift the thing.

I've seen many movies where the audience is supposed to believe that the main character has undergone an epiphany and changes his wicked, wicked ways. Few of them work. We've seen it too many times--hamfisted, Hamletesque diatribes and best buddy build-up/father-son bonding we know are only leading up to the inevitable funereal scene and change of heart.

Been there, done that.

Iron Man managed to get us there through another route, with Tony Stark creating his suit IN A CAVE, WITH SCRAPS. Yeah, I could see how being held in a cave by terrorists who use the weapons you blithely mass-produce and sell to the highest bidder might just change your business prospectus next year.

And Thor with that sad man (because he's obviously no longer a god even to himself any longer), kneeling, broad shoulders hunched in abject defeat, in the mud, accomplished more in one action scene than the interminable hours I've spent enduring the angst of two-dimensional characters I never really cared for in the first place. Thank you, Thor, for NOT going that route on me. [END SPOILERS]

And I've said it before and I'll say it again--great villains make great movies, and Tom Hiddleston is an EXQUISITE Loki.

seanmpuckett: Great villains make great movies.

Heh.
posted by misha at 10:15 AM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Odin has entered the Odinsleep."

What other sleep is he going to enter? Bobsleep?
posted by adamdschneider at 10:16 AM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


It doesn't hurt that he is extremely hot and bemuscled and in a wet t-shirt either.
posted by elizardbits at 10:17 AM on March 1, 2012


Atomic Warhead Arrow... wait, what?
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 10:20 AM on March 1, 2012


... Hawkeye's quiver has two-ply leather construction ...

Well, that and the rocket-powered acid arrow.


Seriously, though, I desperately miss the days when Jack Kirby would do a map of the Fantastic Four HQ that looked like a page from Richard Scarry's _What Do People Do All Day?_, or the OHOTMU would have these great diagrams documenting how many mL of web fluid was in each of the cartridges on Spider-Man's belt, the high density batteries in the Trapster's paste gun, where the switch was on Cyclops's glove (and how many times he had to tap it) to open his visor, or the the "modular cellular radio telephone" in Captain America's "briefcase terminal."
posted by straight at 10:22 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


I approve of this thread.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:23 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


And the Black Widow movie must not have a romantic sub-plot.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:26 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


What if it's learning to love herself?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:28 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


I think you got a bunch of fanboy minds working in a different direction you intended.
posted by zombieflanders at 10:31 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


OK, broad plot of your dream Black Widow movie ... GO!
posted by kyrademon at 10:34 AM on March 1, 2012


They should do a movie based on The Four from Planetary.
posted by Ad hominem at 1:30 AM on March 1


That could actually work as an off-brand sort of thing, produced by New Line or Tri-Star, that would allow the WildStorn Universe to exist at an artificial distance from the main DC-Time Warner continuum.

The implicit critique of the FF might force Marvel to improve their game.
posted by vhsiv at 10:34 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST HAWKEYE SHOULD HIDE THOSE AMAZING SHOULDERS

Renner's arms need a supporting cast credit.

And then there's this (because I have been nerding it out like it's 1999 and googling like crazy) from a GQ interview with Tom Hiddleston, who plays Loki:
Robert Downey-Jr and Samuel L Jackson are both teetotal. Who gets the drinks for the Avengers?

It's a dead heat between Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett mixes a mean martini. It was quite rare that we were all there [on set] - it was like a relay race - but there was one weekend where we were all together. I'll never forget the Saturday night in Albuquerque - every mobile phone of every single actor playing every single Avenger received a text message from Chris Evans that simply said "Assemble". The following text message then said "Yes I did. I'm drunk." We met at this bar on the high street and had a really fun time actually. There was a birthday party happening in the same bar and we were all on the dancefloor next to the VIP area. I remember the birthday boy celebrating with his friends... and then seeing Black Widow dancing with Captain America.
CAPTAIN AMERICA TEXTED OUT ASSEMBLE *rolls around in glee*

All right, geeky flailing all done
posted by zennish at 10:40 AM on March 1, 2012 [18 favorites]


The Black Widow movie romantic subplot would involve all of Natasha's ex-boyfriends/one night stands/teammates with benefits trying to figure out who she is currently dating (and kill him) without Natasha finding out, because they are all terrified of her, so their only option is to squabblegossip among themselves in vicious whispers and try to intimidation-psych each other out, only to hastily change the subject whenever Natasha is in earshot or possibly hiding in the walls. (DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU)

And their elaborate flow charts would all be ruined upon the discovery of Natasha dining at Krispy Kreme with: Agent Coulson!

...Because they are coworkers and good, platonic friends. Who enjoy donuts.
posted by nicebookrack at 10:44 AM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


CAPTAIN AMERICA TEXTED OUT ASSEMBLE *rolls around in glee*

I will see your rolling and raise you some FLAILING

Please please tell me that viral marketing will include in-character Twitter accounts for Cap et al

And that Barhopping With the Avengers will be a DVD Special Feature
posted by nicebookrack at 10:48 AM on March 1, 2012


CAPTAIN AMERICA TEXTED OUT ASSEMBLE *rolls around in glee*

All right, geeky flailing all done


Also funny: Tom Hiddleston knows about the I DO WHAT I WANT THOR meme.
posted by zombieflanders at 10:51 AM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Captain America looked embarrassing, and about the only reason I would ever consider seeing Thor is for Idris Elba.

Captain America... wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. It could have been so jingoistic as to be unwatchable. They could have shown CA fighting al Qaeda and shouting about how the A on his head doesn't stand for France. Instead they spent a lot of time showing Steve Rogers being scrawny and deciding that he doesn't like bullies. There were a lot of really distasteful Captain America movies they could, and they didn't make any of them.

Now, the Thor movie, on the other hand... that was pretty bad. Took hammer away at beginning of movie, didn't give it back until end, so it was basically a romantic comedy with silly costumes. Then Natalie Portman kisses the HELL out of whatshisname at the end, and I understand that there was a desire to make it look passionate, but it ended up looking like tongue wrestling as drawn by Bill Plympton.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:55 AM on March 1, 2012


She's the short, pudgy goffy girl kid in high school who gets along okay with the nerds but never really seems to fit in; retreats into books. Her dad's a machinist and tinkerer and she starts picking up bits of that. She gets harassed a lot, of course, and in the first act the bad crowd decides it would be hilarious to pin their pharmacy robberies on her because obviously she'd be the one who's dealing oxy, yeah? And the only one who believes her is the gym teacher (let's bust some more stereotypes) who offers her the school's unused basement training/locker-room as a refuge from harassment and gives her the "when I was your age I was pudgy" thing, and leaves a bunch of comic books around (with the charles atlas ads in, natch) and and we have a training montage of course, and in the second act she's starting to get into shape but the evidence is mounting against her through obvious-to-the-audience framing attempts and she determines to put together a case but at a critical moment the gym teacher (who is the real mastermind) throws her to the wolves by altering her evidence stash and planting drugs in her "lair" which makes her unable to trust anyone and then due to a fire started down in the meth lab in the boiler room (which everyone believes is a drill) she gets locked in a closet in the principal's office (which happens to be next to the school's utility room) and the fire spreads like woah and she fashions various tools and weapons out of what she finds in the closet (which has a ventilation connection to the utility room) and she gets in the utility room and from there gets out and just as she's about to bail she hears screaming from the basement and manages to rescue the gym teacher (natch) and a couple of the nerds who were cooking up meth and they beg for their lives and she leads them out heroically and on the steps of the school they narc on her AGAIN and the cops lock her up and throw her in a car and while the car can't get away for all the fire trucks she picks the lock on the cuffs and hightails out where she sheds her black clothes for a preppie outfit, cuts her hair, dyes it blonde and in desperation goes to the bus terminal where, as we fade to black, there's a black guy with an eye patch walking over to sit next to her.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:56 AM on March 1, 2012 [6 favorites]


And the best moment in [Thor]

Yes this is great, but then you also have so many other great moments following this -- Loki (wearing mortal clothes that are exactly right) enjoying the delicious triumph of telling dejected and humbled Thor that his dad is dead and his exile is permanent, followed immediately by an attempt to lift the hammer which he knows he isn't worthy of but can't resist at least trying. The big reveal that Loki's evil plan is actually ... a little bit less evil than we thought ... except actually even more evil than we thought. And earlier, the way Loki talks Thor into invading Jötunheim and thinking it's Thor's idea. Even in the scene with Loki and Thor as kids, young Loki is really good.

The Natalie Portman stuff on Midgard is lame, but pretty much everything in Asgard and every scene with Loki is great.
posted by straight at 10:58 AM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


Point of orde , Caps cant get drunk
posted by The Whelk at 11:00 AM on March 1, 2012


There were a lot of really distasteful Captain America movies they could

..HAVE MADE, and they didn't make any of them. Sorry... note to self, sometimes sentences are easier to understand when you include all the words in them.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:02 AM on March 1, 2012


Caps cant get drunk

I predict Tony Stark would offer his extensive stash to test this hypothesis, FOR SCIENCE
posted by nicebookrack at 11:02 AM on March 1, 2012


"Tom Hiddleston is...War Norse."

Brilliant. Now I have to follow Chris Hewitt AND Tom Hiddleston on Twitter.
posted by misha at 11:04 AM on March 1, 2012


This may turn out to be a fantastic movie, but that shot of her re-loading her pistol is always going to look stupid.

Man you are going to fell so dumb when she uses her previously prepared chimney sweep bullet to take down that flying metal beastie.
posted by biffa at 11:40 AM on March 1, 2012


If they ever make Silver Surfer it'd better be an experience like 2001 a Space Oddessy.
But it won't.
posted by PHINC at 11:55 AM on March 1, 2012


FWIW the Silver Surfer was in the 2nd Fantastic Four movie (if you believe such a thing exists).
posted by zombieflanders at 12:01 PM on March 1, 2012


seanmpuckett needs to shut up and take my money.
posted by Etrigan at 12:12 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


...and then close my bold tags while he's at it.
posted by Etrigan at 12:12 PM on March 1, 2012


I think it works better in all bold.
posted by zombieflanders at 12:14 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


The Gym Teacher turns out to be MODOK!
posted by Slap*Happy at 12:18 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


What other sleep is he going to enter? Bobsleep?

Sleep is where Odin is a Viking.
posted by furiousthought at 12:48 PM on March 1, 2012 [11 favorites]


straight: The Natalie Portman stuff on Midgard is lame, but pretty much everything in Asgard and every scene with Loki is great."

I read an interview that the actor who played Loki didn't know the comic and expressed some concern that he didn't know how to play a supervillain. He was told, "it's a Shakespearian court drama and you're the kid brother," and he was like, "oh, well sure, I can do that."
posted by Karmakaze at 1:03 PM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


All the Marvelverse movies have had really good villains. I liked how ....oily and unwholesome looking Tim Roth was.
posted by The Whelk at 1:04 PM on March 1, 2012


Isn't that how Tim Roth always looks?
posted by zombieflanders at 1:05 PM on March 1, 2012


Tim Roth everyone
posted by The Whelk at 1:10 PM on March 1, 2012


I will defend Natalie Portman in Thor, mostly because they gave her the same moment that hordes of women have also had - she got one good look at Thor and thought, "Jesus, I'd like to hit that."

And then Darcy tases him, which is also good. I kinda love the Jane and Darcy interaction, actually.
posted by PussKillian at 1:36 PM on March 1, 2012 [5 favorites]


...Because they are coworkers and good, platonic friends. Who enjoy donuts.

Now I'm seeing Coulson surrounded by a mountain of paperwork, one eye twitching just ever so little with the phones ringing off the hooks and Nick Fury not-so-metaphorically breathing down his neck because Stark's kidnapped Captain America in his private jet to get him drunk, Banner's vanished somewhere into a forest, Barton's hiding somewhere in the SHIELD ventilation system and Thor is off on some metaphysical plane when Black Widow comes in, stuffs a donut in his hand and says, 'Don't worry. I chipped them all last week when Thor got lost in Las Vegas' and Coulson just gives her this look that says, 'this is why you're my favourite' and she just smugly accepts this as her due.

In my head, this exists.
posted by zennish at 1:40 PM on March 1, 2012 [11 favorites]


Coulson has had to clean out the Iron man suit one too many times
posted by The Whelk at 1:46 PM on March 1, 2012


I can't get the image of MODOK yelling "hit the showers, boys" out of my head now. Help.
posted by stinkycheese at 2:05 PM on March 1, 2012 [3 favorites]


I kinda love the Jane and Darcy interaction, actually.

I fucking love Jane and Darcy (and Sif!) in "Thor." They're the amusingly obsessed scientist and the odd-but-savvier assistant and they are both competent women, and this just is, it is not a Big Token Chick Thing! And they don't randomly wander around in their underwear, or do stupid things and get kidnapped, or let people talk shit to them or push them around, even though they are not badass heavy-hitter fighters. Darcy still tases people when they should be tased. And Jane checks out the gallant muscled muffin that is Thor and goes "I am totally going to jump his ass," and at no point does she worry about looking dumber or fancier to make Thor like her, because he does already. And she DOES jump Thor's ass, and they are happy, and Darcy approves!

And now Thor is the pretty pretty prince waiting in his fairytale castle for his hero Jane to come rescue him with her big shiny brain, which she is of course going to do.

"Thor" is not the greatest movie of all time. But it is sweet and warm-hearted and even in the male-dominated story it treats its female characters with affection and respect. And IIRC it's the first Marvel movie to pass the Bechdel Test, for which it deserves a freaking medal.
posted by nicebookrack at 2:22 PM on March 1, 2012 [15 favorites]


Also good fucking god does Asgard look amazing.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:24 PM on March 1, 2012


The only reason Thor smashes the glass in the bar is because he's not used to a world where some things aren't brushed gold.
posted by The Whelk at 2:31 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Also there are way too many Steve/Tony sex tumblrs for a movie not yet out, there I said it.
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on March 1, 2012


The movie is just adding live-action fuel to the fire engine pulling the Steve/Tony bandwagon, which has been running hot since AT LEAST Marvel's Civil War event, AKA "Steve & Tony's Angsty Breakup (In Which They Split the Avengers in the Divorce Settlement)."
posted by nicebookrack at 2:42 PM on March 1, 2012


I'm holding out for a She-Hulk movie. They can both improve on standard comics-movie plots and cheap out on production by making it a legal thriller. It will be awesome.

And if it sucks you still have big ripe green melons.
-- cjorgensen

a good She Hulk movie would stop halfway into the climax to yell at the screenwriter and director. -- The Whelk
I didn't know what you guys were talking about with She-Hulk so I looked around and found some videos from some terrible old 90s cartoon. here, here and here. I still have no idea what you guys were talking about but apparently not only does she stay 'sexy' in shape rather then becoming an incoherent moster when she transforms her personalty becomes more 'sexy' and 'sultry'
posted by delmoi at 2:52 PM on March 1, 2012


She Hulk in the comics is known for being more goofy and breaking the forth wall to talk to the writer/reader etc.

And now I'll go back to watching that gif of Steve punching the bag on a loop.
posted by The Whelk at 2:54 PM on March 1, 2012


Also she doesn't really Hulk out anymore, she's pretty permentantly bulked out, less strong than Bruce but keeps her brains and personality and is more human looking. She runs a law firm that specializes in super hero cases.

I got it, she's the defender for a case against the avengers by the city if new York for all the collateral damage they caused.
posted by The Whelk at 2:56 PM on March 1, 2012


FYI I am stealing your Coulson & Black Widow for the kinkmeme because it is my new headcanon thanks

"this is why you're my favorite" ❤
posted by nicebookrack at 2:57 PM on March 1, 2012


↑ previous comment directed at zennish
posted by nicebookrack at 2:59 PM on March 1, 2012


After the introduction of She-Hulk they retconned the Hulk thing so hulking out doesn't actually lead directly to Earth-shattering berserker rage; it just unlocks whatever aspects of your personality you normally repress. Bruce becomes an insane, incoherent monster, it turns out, due to the fallout from an extremely traumatic childhood. Jennifer, not being a deeply crazy person, just becomes less reserved and more willing to punch things that deserve it.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:05 PM on March 1, 2012 [4 favorites]


FWIW the Silver Surfer was in the 2nd Fantastic Four movie

You know, between FF2:Rise of the Silver Surfer, Iron Man 2, Spider-Man 2 and 3, X-Men 3, Daredevil and Elektra, I wish Marvel had had a stack of scripts laying around that were ACTUALLY GOOD, worth shooting and had something to do with these characters' established continuity.

NOTE TO FOX and SONY: Franchises really only start with the first sequel. Please try to make sure that they're actually worth seeing.

Last decade, The Matrix and its 2 sequels set a terrible precedent. Let's not repeat this. This is why it's supposed to be okay for movie-people get paid like hedge-fund managers. Let's not make a habit of short sales.
posted by vhsiv at 3:07 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Let the record show that on the planet where Tony Stark is a woman, resident Steve and girl!Tony immediately hook up.
posted by nicebookrack at 3:11 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Let the record show that on the planet where Tony Stark is a woman, resident Steve and girl!Tony immediately hook up.

Hahah. Here's the thing about looking up character biographies about comic characters. You expect a basic outline and what you get is some insane story about multiple parallel universes.
A permanently depowered Jennifer Walters finds that tourists from an alternate universe - designated the Alpha universe - are crossing into her universe - which they call Beta - to gain access to superpowers and comes face to face with her own powered up doppelganger. Jennifer confirms that her Alpha counterpart slept with Juggernaut but her anger quickly turns to sorrow as she realizes that without her abilities, the Alpha Jennifer Walters - while unfamiliar with superhuman law - is far better suited to life in the Beta universe. Realizing this, she decides that she will go to the Alpha universe and let the other Jennifer Walters take over for her.

As she steps through the portal, Reed Richards realizes he can use the previously stored configuration of the Alpha She-Hulk to restore Jennifer's powers. Having regained her abilities, Jennifer remains in her home reality, while the Alpha Jen Walters returns to her own universe and reconciles with her boyfriend, the Alpha Augustus "Pug" Pugliese.
posted by delmoi at 3:16 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


FYI I am stealing your Coulson & Black Widow for the kinkmeme because it is my new headcanon thanks

there is a kinkmeme what! The movie hasn't even come out yet

ahahaha oh man fandom moves fast, it is either terrifying or awesome or maybe bits of both, I don't know, it's like this weird deep corner of the internet full of rainbows and porn. if someone could harness the power of fannish enthusiasm there would be no energy crisis ever.

Also, I just found out Clark Gregg of Son of Coul fame has a twitter and dude is so enthusiastic about this movie, it's awesome. Someone made him an Agent Coulson tshirt for him and his kid!

okay that was my last comment I am totally out now - it's like seeing this trailer has made me regress to when I was wee and completely into comics and didn't have to worry about terrible real-life shit like bills. +10 for posting this, Brandon Blatcher.
posted by zennish at 3:30 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


^Wow. That was over $80 worth of bad movies this past decade alone. Marvel ought to give me a frequent flyer membership. I wish I'd deducted those disappointments from my taxes.

Oh, and that 2nd Blade sequel really sucked. Goyer had hoped it would lead to a Nightstalkers spin-off without Wesley Snipes. I know that this movie was Goyer's fault, but still, both Marvel and New Line should have been protecting the brand.
posted by vhsiv at 3:44 PM on March 1, 2012


On first read, I thought you were knocking Blade 2. We would have had words.

(Blade: Trinity is fucking terrible.)
posted by brundlefly at 3:49 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


if someone could harness the power of fannish enthusiasm there would be no energy crisis ever
QUOTED FOR TRUTH
(There's actually a sweet history of fannish charity fundraisers directing enthusiasm toward a cause: Sweet Charity, help_haiti, etc. There are worse ways to leverage donations from people than swapping for fictional character sexytimes.)

I am a tiny bit sad that Gregg's twitter is not @sonofcoul but that's okay because OMG COULSHIRT + KID OF SON OF COUL = SO CUTE!

also OF COURSE THERE IS A KINKMEME OR THREE (that are NSFW): avengers-kink, capkink, norsekink that I know of. Play nice & have fun
posted by nicebookrack at 3:56 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


The Blade TV series was sadly underrated, for all that the guy portraying Blade showed emotional changes by removing and then replacing his sunglasses. Put it on pay cable and it could've been True Blood WITH NINJAS.
posted by nicebookrack at 3:59 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


the recent cartoons Ultimate Avengers and Ultimate Avengers 2 are actually much better than you might expect

This Avengers fan thinks that the more recent TV show, The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, is even better. A whole lot better.
posted by straight at 4:03 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Blade:The Series was Goyer's follow-up to Blade:Trinity. In a sane world, it would have never happened. Series television may be the new auteur medium, but it's got to be EARNED, not chiseled away from your franchise's star.

Also, Kirk Jones (Sticky Fingaz) is no Wesley Snipes. Jill Wagner was the true star of that show.
posted by vhsiv at 4:15 PM on March 1, 2012


(Blade: Trinity is fucking terrible.)

You know how ever since 'hasta la vista, baby', movie heroes have been legally required to deliver a dramatic one-liner at the climactic moment? If I'm not mistaken, Blade: Trinity includes the best Heroic Climactic One-Liner of all time:

"Some motherfucker's always trying to ice-skate uphill."

It was like they couldn't think of anything, so they went for the TOTAL non-sequitur. It made the whole movie for me.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 4:21 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


That was in the first Blade, actually!
posted by brundlefly at 4:25 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


straight: I did not know that even existed, thanks. I'll look out for it.

Also, Blade 2 is one of the best comics adaptations ever (and I'm sick to death of vampires). With Mr. Del Toro at the helm, not a great surprise.
posted by stinkycheese at 4:31 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I wasn't super-super excited, but I'll probably see it anyway. I watched Thor last weekend and I found it decent enough that I finished it, though beer helped. I think that this trailer was just not put together well; it was too choppy or something I dunno. But even my cat winced when the obligatory "'bout to kick some ASS" moves included "looking kind of perturbed with the bottom half of your face."
posted by sm1tten at 4:58 PM on March 1, 2012


That was in the first Blade, actually!

I stand corrected. That being the case, you're right, the third one was terrible.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:03 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Some motherfucker's always trying to ice-skate uphill."

It's STILL a good line.
posted by vhsiv at 5:58 PM on March 1, 2012


I've scanned the comments and maybe someone upthread mentioned it and I missed it but am I the only one who looked at that thing coming around the corner and thought of the climax of Enthiran?

Also yay kinkmemes that I need to explore in my copious spare time!
posted by immlass at 6:04 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Made all the better by how the next thing he does is karate kick a syringe into a guy's forehead.
posted by brundlefly at 6:06 PM on March 1, 2012


Has nobody else noticed that Jenny Agutter is listed in the credits?!? For some of us forty-mumble mumble-year-olds, even the females, Jenny is a goddess!
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:54 PM on March 1, 2012


Eventually, Tony will have to deal with his alcoholism. Booze is Tony's Kryptonite. Or, perhaps, his "Hulk." Without his struggle with his inner demon, Tony is less of a hero, and more of an asocial rich kid with too much time on his hands.
posted by SPrintF at 7:06 PM on March 1, 2012


And the Black Widow movie must not have a romantic sub-plot.

If they ever make a Black Widow movie it will certainly have a romantic sub-plot, and it will probably be with Wolverine and be followed by an Avengers vs. X-Men film.

Ian McKellen in going to kick Robert Downey Jr.'s ass.
posted by homunculus at 7:55 PM on March 1, 2012 [2 favorites]


Just popping in after seeing an advance 3D screening of John Carter tonight to suggest geeks interested in watching that one for free call around to your better local comic or used bookstores and see if they have passes; there's a decent chance they will if the dozens of passes promo companies mailed to a couple stores in Raleigh this week are any indication. Disney's concerns about recouping costs can be your gain if you act fast (there's another screening Tuesday here in town, e.g.).

The movie? Well, first, I had no idea Michael Chabon was involved with the screenplay. It's worth seeing for free, definitely, even if it starts with a short clunky Mars bit that's confusing and unnecessary and screams "bean-counter decision to start with zippy Martian footage instead of on Earth." It has the usual mainstream action stupidity (mostly of the standard "X is instantly able to fly an alien craft with no training whatsoever" variety), but it has decent effects, interesting aliens, gorgeous landscapes, fun scifi battle scenes, an emotional punch once in a while and a relatively coherent (faint praise) story. The most surprising thing was the direct homage to John Ford early on; I laughed out loud. The 3D was the standard overrated, too-dark garbage with a handful of standout moments - in other words, not worth the extra money - but overall it's a decent squarely mainstream scifi action flick (faint praise again), particularly if you're at all fond of Burroughs' work.
posted by mediareport at 8:20 PM on March 1, 2012


Does Magneto's magnetism work on Thor's hammer? Some fansite has surely documented this!

Magneto would...actually be kinda hard for these Avengers to beat at long range, unless Barton has wooden arrows.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:21 PM on March 1, 2012


Eventually, Tony will have to deal with his alcoholism. Booze is Tony's Kryptonite. Or, perhaps, his "Hulk." Without his struggle with his inner demon, Tony is less of a hero, and more of an asocial rich kid with too much time on his hands.

There were early reports that Iron Man 2 would adapt Demon In A Bottle, and I firmly believe that was in fact the case until some studio jerk killed the idea, and that you can see artifacts of it in the finished product. The palladium poisoning subplot, sloppy enough that I'd totally buy it being slapped together at the last minute, where Tony has to overcome a condition that's debilitating him but he denies even exists, Nick Fury telling him he's unfit to be an Avenger...
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:56 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


Yeah Iron man 2 has ...many problems and one of them is trying to do both WHOO TONY IS FREEWHEELING BUT ALSO HEY MAY ACTUALLY HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM FOR REAL and ACTION! ADVENTURE! WHOO! TONY IS AWESOME! thing. Which is super infuriating cause that drunk party scene in Iron Man 2 exists and it seems lifted from a completely different, better movie and then NEVER COMES UP AGAIN.
posted by The Whelk at 9:00 PM on March 1, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'd actually forgotten about the drunk party scene altogether. Although that one at least got a decent post hoc justification when they spun it as Tony deliberately playing up his WHOO DRUNKEN PARTIES nature until Rhodey finally bit and "stole" the Mark II armor.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:15 PM on March 1, 2012


I've scanned the comments and maybe someone upthread mentioned it and I missed it but am I the only one who looked at that thing coming around the corner and thought of the climax of Enthiran?

Enthrian (or Endhiran) - is a better, funnier, far more visually inventive, and far, far more insane superhero movie than anything Marvel or DC have ever come close to achieving. And it has several more awesomely crazy musical numbers than the one in Captain America. Scarlett Johansson wishes she had half the charisma of Aishwarya Rai, and I think Rajinikanth's performance might be as much fun as RDJ in the first Iron Man.

I'm torn between linking to YouTube clips of the climax immlass is referring to (which is what convinced me to see it) and just insisting that everyone track down a copy and watch it without any spoilers.
posted by straight at 9:35 PM on March 1, 2012


Tony is less of a hero, and more of an asocial rich kid with too much time on his hands.

Batman?
posted by ShutterBun at 12:02 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


Magneto would...actually be kinda hard for these Avengers to beat at long range, unless Barton has wooden arrows.

Magneto has always had problems when taking on the Juggernaut - so he can't really affect magic metal items all that well, and Hulk-class strength and invulnerability generally overcomes his iron-in-the-blood schtick. This incarnation of the Avengers have two members with Hulk-class strength and invulnerability, one of which is the Hulk.

And Hawkeye, IIRC, has fiberglass arrows for just such an emergency.
posted by Slap*Happy at 2:00 AM on March 2, 2012


From the film's Wikipedia page: "In February 2012, it was announced that Marvel has partnered with JADS, a fragrance company, to promote The Avengers with uniquely character-based fragrances."

OK, hands up. Who wants to smell like the Hulk?
posted by Paul Slade at 2:01 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


WHAT MAKE MODERN HULK SO DIFFERENT, SO CONFIDENT?
posted by running order squabble fest at 3:36 AM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


METAFILTER: "Hawkeye's wooden arrows are Magneto's kryptonite™".
posted by vhsiv at 6:23 AM on March 2, 2012


OK, hands up. Who wants to smell like the Hulk?

Anyone who raises their hands for that probably already does.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:00 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Here's your Agent Coulson stand-alone movie:

Left a drunken wreck after the events of The Avengers (specifically, after the party that Tony threw after the events of The Avengers), Coulson is hauled before Nick Fury, Maria Hill, and a couple of shadowy "civilian advisers" to receive his next mission. He is to board a patrol boat at Buffalo, NY crewed by Stingray, Starfox, Demolition Man, and the Two-Gun Kid and make his perilous way up the lakes to Milwaukee. There he will infiltrate the rogue Great Lakes Avengers and terminate the command of Colonel Doreen Green, A.K.A. "Squirrel Girl," a government asset who has grown too powerful to control.

Featuring a cameo by Deadpool as a crazed photojournalist who keeps breaking character to ask for feedback on his Dennis Hopper impression.
posted by Iridic at 8:11 AM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


Enthrian is so awesome (including, yes, a dance number with robot lions, a hoverboard, and light sabers) that there is even a Chitti cameo in Ra.One.
posted by Samizdata at 8:23 AM on March 2, 2012


[[Also, Kirk Jones (Sticky Fingaz) is no Wesley Snipes. Jill Wagner was the true star of that show.

QFT.  I cannot express how much I mourn the missed opportunities of a series starring a deadpan female vampire ex-Marine. Mourn. I'm hoping eventually someone at Marvel will get bored and dredge through obscure bits of canon a la "The Sandman" and Krista Starr will jump media to the comics.

It's also pretty remarkable that Blade: The Series's main characters were an African-American guy, a (white) female veteran, and a Taiwanese-American guy, a lineup you'd still have difficulty finding on US TV.
posted by nicebookrack at 8:23 AM on March 2, 2012


Iridic, where would you like all of my money and all of the internets
posted by nicebookrack at 8:42 AM on March 2, 2012


a better, funnier, far more visually inventive, and far, far more insane superhero movie than anything Marvel or DC have ever come close to achieving.

I don't know that I would go quite that far (on better, at least), but it's well worth watching, particularly if you like SF/superhero type movies. One of the things that struck me about it afterwards was the different operating assumptions about heroism and villainy through the movie and the concepts of responsibility that went with them. In US superhero films, I know where the beats are and what kinds of things I expect to see happen at each beat, as it were. Watching Enthiran was like being a kid again and not knowing what was coming next.

And I'm not just talking about the parts where instead of smooching they'd cut to a dance number set at Macchu Picchu complete with llamas, either, although that was plenty awesome and I'm not expecting the Avengers to pull anything like that out. So yeah, go watch Enthiran. On the big screen if you can.
posted by immlass at 9:11 AM on March 2, 2012


Enthiran was fucking awesome but it is not illegal to like both that movie AND the Avengers.
posted by elizardbits at 10:56 AM on March 2, 2012


NOTE TO FOX and SONY re:Sequels

It turns out that AMC is killing us with The Godfather (pts. I & II) today. Apparently, the bar for sequels was much, MUCH higher. The Godfather remains the exception as Cooppola created the oxymoron of an essential sequel. American studios have long since stopped even trying.

These days, it's all just about asses in seats. In another 20 years, it will only be films from the '60s and '70s on Turner Classic Movies, since nobody can be bothered with B&W movies anymore.
posted by vhsiv at 11:16 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


I didn't mean to dis the Avengers movie by praising Enthiran.

But imagine Avengers 2 introducing Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne and the villain is Ultron and Marvel gets some creative folks from India to help make Ultron's antics as crazy and visually inventive as Chitti's in the last act of Enthrian.
posted by straight at 11:27 AM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


These days, it's all just about asses in seats.

Twas ever thus. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.
posted by sparkletone at 11:49 AM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


What I want to know is why Tony Stark doesn't make Iron Man like suits for Captain America, Black Widow, and Hawkeye?
posted by moonbiter at 11:16 PM on March 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


moonbiter: "What I want to know is why Tony Stark doesn't make Iron Man like suits for Captain America, Black Widow, and Hawkeye?"

Because then he wouldn't be a special snowflake.

(And no one really wants to see ScarJo in anything but tight leather.)
posted by Samizdata at 8:36 PM on March 4, 2012 [1 favorite]


Isn't the handwave that the Arc Reactor that powers the Iron Man suit (in the movies) kinda unstable is basically slowly killing Tony and his inability to mass produce them part of his tension with the US govt, or did I just ret-con that in my head or something?
posted by The Whelk at 11:28 PM on March 4, 2012


In the comics didn't he make suits for SHIELD but then end up forcibly taking them all back during the Armor Wars story line?
posted by the_artificer at 11:46 PM on March 4, 2012


In the comics Tony has made armor at least for Pepper because it has movie!Jarvis as the AI.

Also IIRC in the movies he won't give the government the arc reactor tech because the armor can't be a proper badass weapon without it and he refuses to sell weapons anymore. (I don't think Rhodey's armor has an arc reactor in it? Or something.) Hence the whole IM2 Congressional hearing "give us your dangerous weapon suit"/"it's not a weapon it's a prostheses etc." The IM armor's palladium arc reactor was poisoning Tony before he changes it, but presumably other arc reactor-powered suits wouldn't have to have the power supply installed directly into the wearer's chest cavity as Tony does (to keep the shrapnel from entering his heart and killing him. If the palladium doesn't kill him first. Irony! Cue Iron Man 2.)
posted by nicebookrack at 5:26 AM on March 5, 2012


The Whelk: "Isn't the handwave that the Arc Reactor that powers the Iron Man suit (in the movies) kinda unstable is basically slowly killing Tony and his inability to mass produce them part of his tension with the US govt, or did I just ret-con that in my head or something?"

I don't think the Arc Reactor being poison was an issue. In the movie, at least, it was only a problem because he needed the reactor to be hooked up to his kludgey heart monitor. For anyone else, he could add shielding or move the reactor somewhere less problematic. (His unwillingness to turn the tech over to the government was the excuse for why the Iron Man Anime series was set in Japan, though. The US government was making noises like they were just going to step in an claim his research by way of eminent domain or something, so he needed to do his research somewhere friendly, with a good tech base, but outside of US jurisdiction.)

the_artificer: "In the comics didn't he make suits for SHIELD but then end up forcibly taking them all back during the Armor Wars story line?"

More or less. He was worried that someone could capture some of the tech he gave SHIELD and reverse engineer it. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armor_Wars )
posted by Karmakaze at 5:30 AM on March 5, 2012


In the amusing canon of my head the tech world blasts Tony for not making the armor/arc reactor/etc. open source. Think of the awesome Linux armor, Mr. Stark!
posted by nicebookrack at 5:39 AM on March 5, 2012 [1 favorite]


nicebookrack: Does Magneto's magnetism work on Thor's hammer? Some fansite has surely documented this!

Scroll down to the image in which Thor says "BY ODIN'S BEARD. NOT EVEN HEAVEN-FORGED MJOLNIR IS IMMUNE TO HIS MUTANT POWER!"
posted by moonbiter at 10:16 PM on March 5, 2012


the_artificer: "In the comics didn't he make suits for SHIELD but then end up forcibly taking them all back during the Armor Wars story line?"

Yeah. I cackled during the trailer when the Hulk saved Iron Man because of this... (SFW, I promise. I don't post slash on MeFi...)
posted by Samizdata at 10:19 PM on March 5, 2012


nicebookrack: "In the amusing canon of my head the tech world blasts Tony for not making the armor/arc reactor/etc. open source. Think of the awesome Linux armor, Mr. Stark!"

So this IS the year of Linux on the personal armor suit?
posted by Samizdata at 10:23 PM on March 5, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'd like to defeat the evil mutants with my new ion cannons and save Manhattan, BUT THERE'S THIS GODDAMN DEPENDENCY ISSUE GODDAMN IT MAKE INSTALL ALREADY.
posted by middleclasstool at 6:58 AM on March 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Have you tried installing the avengers package? Wine might help too.
posted by maryr at 7:56 AM on March 6, 2012


middleclasstool: "I'd like to defeat the evil mutants with my new ion cannons and save Manhattan, BUT THERE'S THIS GODDAMN DEPENDENCY ISSUE GODDAMN IT MAKE INSTALL ALREADY."

Teach you to build an armor suit with a distro based on RPM...
posted by Samizdata at 9:58 AM on March 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wine is very helpful to Tony's custom armor OS. Bourbon, also.
posted by nicebookrack at 4:41 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Truth, brother. Although I can't get either WHISKEY 1.0 or URINEFILTER .7b to compile.
posted by Samizdata at 9:24 PM on March 7, 2012


Perhaps if you weren't trying both at the same time, at least one would work out better.
posted by Etrigan at 5:49 PM on March 8, 2012


Maybe one of your RAM chips got knocked loose when you... rammed that spaceship.
posted by running order squabble fest at 7:32 PM on March 8, 2012


Joss Whedon, in the SXSW panel talking about The Avengers:
"This team... doesn't make any sense. And I can work with that. Because it doesn't make any sense to them, either."
On who the bad guy actually is:
"...It's the Vulcans. I don't know much about the Marvel universe, and I thought there were Vulcans."
Good stuff. I love this guy, and he's a total fanboy.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:26 AM on March 10, 2012


marco_nj: "I guess with all this D&D talk this is a good time as any to do alignment mapping. Cap - Lawful Good, Stark - Chaotic Good, Hulk - True Neutral, BW - Lawful Neutral?"

HULK NOT TRUE NEUTRAL! HULK ALIGNMENT TRUE SMASH!
posted by Samizdata at 10:55 AM on March 13, 2012


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