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"GOOD ONE HONEY! Did not see that coming."
June 23, 2012 6:51 AM   Subscribe

The Power of Crowd Sourcing. When Fox News provided a list of ten pranks to help your marriage (as we all know, that junior high locker room horse play was really preparation for a healthy and loving monogamous relationship), the Internet rose as one to say, "These are fantastic, but we need more!" Sorting the comments by Popular/ Best shows you how normal people, people just like you and me, added a little butter and salt to this Paula Deen-esque confection of an article.
posted by yerfatma (140 comments total) 49 users marked this as a favorite

 
10. Lastly, we’ve got a no-fail prank that anyone can do and it’s sure to get a laugh. Open a bedroom door slightly (or any door that you know he will walk through) and put a pillow at the top of it — when he opens the door the pillow will hit them on the head. Make up for your wily ways and offer to kiss his boo-boo!

Someone was paid to write that.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 6:56 AM on June 23, 2012 [56 favorites]


What the hell is that article. My God. I am dumber having read it.
posted by something something at 6:56 AM on June 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


I actually quite like #8 if you remove the prank aspect of it. Gummy worm apples sound like great party food.
posted by solarion at 7:00 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Marriage. I'm doing it wrong.
posted by punkfloyd at 7:01 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


...he will be expecting something sweet and get a bland surprise instead!

Well, that sums up the article itself perfectly, doesn't it?
posted by griphus at 7:02 AM on June 23, 2012 [66 favorites]


This is good, though:

I dropped a pillow on my husband's head and now he's murdering our entire family what do I do
posted by something something at 7:02 AM on June 23, 2012 [28 favorites]


If you really want to connect with your spouse who finds these "pranks" hilarious, you'd have to include some pranks that include farts since the demographic you're playing with is obviously young teen or preteen boys.
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:04 AM on June 23, 2012


I'm so glad I didn't marry Patrick from spongebob. He's the only one who would fall for these.
posted by pearlybob at 7:05 AM on June 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


desperatelyspicylady82
trick with falling pillow saved my relationship. things is very spicy now, almost too spicy to be totally honest. do you have any pranks to make things less spiced up

posted by griphus at 7:06 AM on June 23, 2012 [27 favorites]


Have your wife murdered and replaced by a robot. Then remake the film 30 years later as an awful pile of shit staring Nicole Kidman.
posted by Artw at 7:07 AM on June 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


#29

Tell hubby you're going to make burritos for dinner. Wrap your cat in a towel and put it on his plate, shout "KITTY BURRITO", and sate his appetite for hijinks!
posted by cortex at 7:09 AM on June 23, 2012 [40 favorites]


Comments for this page are closed.

Whoops.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:12 AM on June 23, 2012


What the hell is that article. My God. I am dumber having read it.

And that sums up Fox.

Also:
Metafilter: Sate his appetite for hijinks!
posted by Mezentian at 7:16 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


Another one for the Leveson Inquiry.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 7:16 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


By Fox's definition, my marriage is not interesting enough for them. I cannot tell you how cheered I am at this.
posted by arcticseal at 7:17 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


"A bland surprise," indeed.
posted by The White Hat at 7:18 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


So guys let's make a prequel to Idiocracy only this time it'll be set in the present day
posted by ook at 7:18 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


So guys let's make a prequel to Idiocracy only this time it'll be set in the present day

I'm pretty sure that Adam Sandler movie already came out.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 7:20 AM on June 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


I have a strong suspicion this was written by Ann Romney.
posted by malocchio at 7:22 AM on June 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


#82 Is he a Simpsons fan? Next time he's doing some "man stuff" in the garage, pull the car in! He'll laugh when he gets the reference. Just take it easy on the throttle!
posted by cortex at 7:22 AM on June 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


I started following the links down the rabbit hole and, ... ugh from the Six Surprising Habits That Could Hurt A Man's Sex Life

Men who forget to floss their teeth increase the bacteria in their gums, and this bacteria can travel through the bloodstream, combine with plaque and clog blood vessels which make getting an erection difficult.

Is this.... even remotely possible?
It seems... um..... unlikely.
posted by Mezentian at 7:24 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a strong suspicion this was written by Ann Romney.

Terrifyingly, "Amber Milt" appears to be a real person. Here is her blog.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 7:26 AM on June 23, 2012


The one about the toilet is pretty funny.
posted by activitystory at 7:28 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Man. She has hit the motherlode of hilarious stock photos.
posted by Mezentian at 7:29 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Is this.... even remotely possible?
It seems... um..... unlikely.


Fucking dentists. They'll tell you anything when they get on a pro-flossing roll.
posted by Artw at 7:31 AM on June 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Well, it's no Cosmo.
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:39 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Lies, lies, and more lies from Big Floss.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 7:40 AM on June 23, 2012 [21 favorites]


The first article that greets you on Amber Milt's blog begins:

I have two pet peeves: people who are rude in the morning and chipping my nails. Few things annoy me as much as spending an hour in the salon, only to smudge my manicure as I walk out the door . . .


The woman makes Meghan McCain look like Martha Gellhorn. I wonder what her actual life is like, if she's got this kind of gig at her age.

Godek gives better playfully romantic advice than this. Too bad the comments were closed -- or rather, capped off. This could have been an epic Amazon review-style thread. Very funny as it is, though.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:41 AM on June 23, 2012


Ms. Milt's blog header illustration looks like she's reporting from her own a wedding while standing by A RIVER OF BLOOD.

I'm scared. Hold me.
posted by jscalzi at 7:41 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


I'm going to pretend that Amber Milt is the satirical over the top persona of a very witty drag queen named Milt Amberson or something. Because imagining she's a real person is too horrible to contemplate.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 7:49 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


#1̝͇̟̳̹̩͓̱͕2̲̼̣͖̟̦̮̞1̦ ̞͎̟̟̤̥: Smear blood and feces on the walls and floor and pretend to hold your disemboweled bowls in front of you while you imitate his mother's voice, singing nursery rhymes and vomit blood.

#̦̗̳̫1͖̞͈͉͕̬ͅ9̫̝0̙͎̗ ͕͈̰͎͕̖: For his birthday, bury him alive in an iron maiden and have a web cam capture his cries and prayers while you dance naked on his grave summoning The Faceless Terror Inside The Walls.

#̝͓̖̩͖͇̹2͉̩6̰̬̰̘̱̺̭ͅ6̘͓̰͚̩̫͈: Marry him and live a tortured and unfulfilling life primarily giving birth to his children. Divorce him the days before his death and, as he lies on his death bed, whisper you did it for the lulz and 4chan. YOLO!
posted by Foci for Analysis at 7:51 AM on June 23, 2012 [69 favorites]


...must read article before commenting...Fox News article...must read article before commenting...Fox News article...must read article before commenting...Fox News article...
posted by Mooski at 7:54 AM on June 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Her blog is like a black hole of blandness. Nothing interesting can ever escape!
posted by Kitty Stardust at 7:54 AM on June 23, 2012


Half of these "pranks" would be considered gaslighting if the genders in this article were reversed.

Also, considering how dumb your partner would have to be to fall for some of these, it might be considered exploitation of a vulnerable person and require intervention by some state authority or another.


Well trolled Fox, well trolled.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:55 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Have a spaceship crash through the palace walls and impale you, then die, leaving her free to marry someone less evil, but then a hand picks up the ring from amongst the debris and your evil disembodied laugh is heard. The End... QUESTION MARK?
posted by Artw at 7:55 AM on June 23, 2012 [21 favorites]


#143

Tell him you want to have a water balloon fight, but fill the balloons with air instead. Tell him he throws like a girl!
posted by cortex at 7:59 AM on June 23, 2012 [24 favorites]


#164- Nothing says romantic hijinks like FRESH TRIPE!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:02 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Men who forget to floss their teeth increase the bacteria in their gums, and this bacteria can travel through the bloodstream, combine with plaque and clog blood vessels which make getting an erection difficult.

Is this.... even remotely possible?
It seems... um..... unlikely.


Bad oral hygeine is linked to circulatory issues including blood flow. Linking it to erection issues is conjecture based on that correlation. If someone has erection issues there are so many other causes to investigate first that mentioning flossing is inane (but not asinine in my opinion.)
posted by michaelh at 8:03 AM on June 23, 2012


unzip his pants like you’re gonna give him head and then

just burp on his penis and leav
posted by the theory of revolution at 8:03 AM on June 23, 2012 [51 favorites]


WHY THE MOST FIENDISH PRANK OF ALL IS TO SIMPLY...EXIST
(gestures cosmically with hands)
(shuffles backwards into nearby closet)
posted by Sticherbeast at 8:06 AM on June 23, 2012 [19 favorites]


WHY THE MOST FIENDISH PRANK OF ALL IS TO SIMPLY...EXIST

Damn it, Herzog, didn't you promise to stop with relationship advice?
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:11 AM on June 23, 2012 [35 favorites]


#177- Fill every room in the house with ducks. He'll get the message.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:12 AM on June 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


Metafilter: inane (but not asinine in my opinion)
posted by Artw at 8:14 AM on June 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


Re the FPP.... Fox news readers are neither "normal" nor "like....me".
posted by HuronBob at 8:16 AM on June 23, 2012


Mind swap his ass and sedate him, so you can go to cult meetings in his body. Then when he gets wise to that and offs you mind swap him into your corpse!

PS you actually started as a dude - this ain't your first time at the mind swap rodeo. LOL.
posted by Artw at 8:18 AM on June 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


#212

Tell him you'll be "under the covers...waiting for him", then build a dummy below the duvet out of spare pillows. When he comes in, he'll be surprised when he pulls back the sheets to find your fluffy doppelganger, but twice as surprised when "she" starts cooing at him—because you're actually hiding under the bed!
posted by cortex at 8:18 AM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm good friends with someone who works at one of the "creative writing" farms here in Berlin that is responsible for articles like these. News/Magazine companies outsource the work to content-creation companies in "creative industry" cities like Berlin. The workers (mostly university grads with no other job prospects and/or artists needing "day jobs") receive instructions like "we need a list of 10 eco-travel tips at 500 words" or "write a comparison of these 5 baby-care products" and told to produce the work as quickly as possible. They're usually not even told what magazine/newspaper/etc this will appear in. The workers are usually paid very low wages (note: in Berlin, there's no legal minimum wage) and are hired and fired as "freelance consultants" who just happen to have their workspace provided by their only contractor.
posted by LMGM at 8:21 AM on June 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


#41:

This one always adds spice to our tamales: Ask him if he's up for a good ol' game of Russian roulette. When he says yes, tell him that he can go first. What he won't know is that instead of putting one bullet in the gun, you've fully loaded it! Write "SURPRISE" on the side of each bullet and watch the look on his face when he realizes what you've done!
posted by item at 8:29 AM on June 23, 2012


This is what it must be like to date Carrot Top.
posted by argonauta at 8:30 AM on June 23, 2012 [19 favorites]


#87: Remove the labels from all the shampoo, shower gel, conditioner and lotion bottles in the bathroom. Randomly rearrange them, and leave him to guess whether he's using hair gel or depilatory creme!
posted by subbes at 8:33 AM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Obtain a sample of his genetic material within an interior chamber and use it to construct a tiny living being.
posted by Artw at 8:34 AM on June 23, 2012 [51 favorites]


Oh god this whole site is just a horrible cornucopia of sadness. So many references to being self-conscious about your body, needing the lights off during sex, hiding your (extensive) beauty regimen behind closed doors, organizing every aspect of your dress and demeanor around snaring a husband or keeping him satisfied or at least preventing him from divorcing you, the bult-in assumption that of course his libido will be stronger than yours... I don't recognize these women. Are these real women they're writing for?

6 Bad Excuses You're Using To Skip Sex: Got 7 to 13 minutes? Then you’ve got enough time to get it on.

Soooo sad...
posted by ook at 8:35 AM on June 23, 2012


#473

Ask big tall hubby to double-check the battery in the bedroom smoke detector; what he won't know is you used a stepladder to replace it already—with a jalapeno pepper! Get ready for some spicy laughs!
posted by cortex at 8:37 AM on June 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


#13- Kidnap your husband and confine him without human contact to a small room for 15 years. Feed him only dumplings through a small slot, and limit his means of communication to a television. When the 15 years are up, release him on a rooftop, dressed in a suit. He will appreciate the humor.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:40 AM on June 23, 2012 [33 favorites]


The good news is that Amber Milt provides conclusive evidence in her article " Why Does He Hate Your Makeup?" that the geek girl chic / hipster librarian fad is finally, at long last, over, dead and buried:
"Trend: Glasses
He says: "The more librarian looking, the better."
We say: We couldn't agree more. It's time to embrace geek-chic and show little girls everywhere that sometimes, four eyes are actually better than two.

posted by Bwithh at 8:44 AM on June 23, 2012


#219- For his birthday, plan a surprise party with his coworkers.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 8:48 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


I would murder any human being that surprised me with these japes on a regular basis (especially iif before coffee). And there's no court in the world that would convict me.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 8:51 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm good friends with someone who works at one of the "creative writing" farms here in Berlin that is responsible for articles like these. News/Magazine companies outsource the work to content-creation companies in "creative industry" cities like Berlin. <>The workers (mostly university grads with no other job prospects and/or artists needing "day jobs") receive instructions like "we need a list of 10 eco-travel tips at 500 words" or "write a comparison of these 5 baby-care products" and told to produce the work as quickly as possible. They're usually not even told what magazine/newspaper/etc this will appear in. The workers are usually paid very low wages (note: in Berlin, there's no legal minimum wage) and are hired and fired as "freelance consultants" who just happen to have their workspace provided by their only contractor.

Hmm, but Amber Milt is "the Style & Beauty Editor and celebrity correspondent for Fox News Magazine"!!
Possibly she is just an extremely advanced artilect from our distant future though
posted by Bwithh at 8:53 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


#794

Does he leave his cellphone laying around? Swap it for a banana when he's out of the room and tell him it looks like he missed a call. The prank might get him in the mood for a little bedroom fling fling fling fling fling fling fling bananaphone!
posted by cortex at 9:06 AM on June 23, 2012 [29 favorites]


These are so dumb that at no level of meta, from no perspective, are they ever not dumb. Rejoice! We've found an Absolute in the universe.
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:16 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


Have two large fish wrapped in newspaper delivered to his office. He'll get the message.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:24 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


"SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T LET US BUG PHONES ANYMORE?"
posted by PlusDistance at 9:25 AM on June 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


#18223: Secretly add a fourth rock to each panel of "Nancy" in his morning paper.
posted by erniepan at 9:27 AM on June 23, 2012 [12 favorites]


#1,234

Replace the toilet paper roll with a box of kleenex, with a note attached that says "sorry, all out of round objects, the management", and get ready for some fun and funny bathroom bedroom times!
posted by cortex at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


From the comments:

People who know a lot about fixing things fall for that glass hammer gag all the time! What a classic!

hahahahahaha
posted by triggerfinger at 9:29 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


#309: Tell him he would look sexy in a pair of your lace undies. When he tries them on take a picture and e-mail it to everyone in the church directory. Leave him for "Pastor Dave". He'll never see that coming!
posted by MikeMc at 9:31 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The workers (mostly university grads with no other job prospects and/or artists needing "day jobs") receive instructions like "we need a list of 10 eco-travel tips at 500 words" or "write a comparison of these 5 baby-care products" and told to produce the work as quickly as possible. They're usually not even told what magazine/newspaper/etc this will appear in. The workers are usually paid very low wages

ooo... can I audition for this job?

#321 Save up his beard trimmings until you have enough to fashion your very own replica beard. Then, put on one of his business suits and surprise him when he walks through the door with a big passionate kiss. He'll be sure to thank you in the bedroom/bathroom/mudroom later.
posted by ennui.bz at 9:37 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


AskMe-

My partner keeps playing these stupid and immature pranks on me. She thinks they are cute and romantic, but I just find them idiotic and I'm starting to lose patience with her. Yesterday she replaced my Gatorade with water and food coloring, for christ sakes! What does she think I am, six? How do I tell her to knock it off without hurting her feelings?
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 9:37 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


I'm good friends with someone who works at one of the "creative writing" farms here in Berlin that is responsible for articles like these....

I can't quite tell if this is a joke or a real thing. As far as I know, in the states we haven't gotten quite so sophisticated at tripe-writing that we have dedicated companies to outsource it to...yet.
posted by Miko at 9:38 AM on June 23, 2012


A glass hammer, you say?
posted by Bonky Moon at 9:41 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


6 Bad Excuses You're Using To Skip Sex: Got 7 to 13 minutes? Then you’ve got enough time to get it on.

Soooo sad...


Not really, for two reasons:

1.) Yes, it's always nice to have a nice long doin'-it session, but the reality of life (especially once you have kids) is that these opportunities are few and far between. If you've only got ten minutes to have an intimate moment with your partner, then on balance it's better to take the ten minutes rather than wait for your next two hours.

2.) Partners who know each other well can (not always, but usually) get each other off in ten minutes, AKA "the Lily and Marshall rule." So it's not even wasted effort.
posted by mightygodking at 9:47 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


#25 or 6 to 4: Serve him breakfast in bed on Sunday. Lightly dose his coffee with LSD and wear this mask around the house for the rest of the day. Don't forget to hide the firearms!
posted by MikeMc at 9:55 AM on June 23, 2012 [18 favorites]


Build an empire of hubby's favored media outlets, replacing investigative reporting with a fun, sexy combo of tabloid sensationalism and hard-right agitprop! If you're lucky and well-funded, and your timing lines up with other disruptive trends in the media economy, you can even cause the ones you don't buy to cheapen their own journalistic standards and retail shallow, falsely balanced shouting-heads in order to compete, so hubby will be able to find precious little serious journalism anywhere! Oh, he'll laugh when he finally figures out the prank you've pulled!
posted by RogerB at 9:55 AM on June 23, 2012 [18 favorites]


Amber Milt's blog reveals that she still struggles with writing -grammar, punctuation, vocabulary - and desperately requires the support of Fox copyeditors:

American’s spend close to $5 billion on fragrance a year

Certain scents reminisce memories, and your scent certainly should not bring up memories of grandma

Across the board, men were against floral scents, one even said that, “Overly flowery and sweet is a turn off.”

...In the same way that Socio, Political and Economic trends fluctuate over the decades...

there’s few things less sexy

post-Bowl Monday’s should be set aside to recover from our awful, and inevitable hangovers?!?

We’ve been invited to a friends party .


It's interesting that it's possible to write so very many words while contributing absolutely nothing new to the entire culture.
posted by Miko at 9:57 AM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


A glass hammer, you say?

Indeed.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 9:58 AM on June 23, 2012


#1,733

When he asks you a question from the other room, shout "I can BEARly hear you" and then ball up a couple of silk teddies and hold them against your ears. When he figures out the pun, you can let him pick which one you should wear!
posted by cortex at 9:59 AM on June 23, 2012 [3 favorites]


#1,792

Use a chainsaw to carefully sever the head from your Olympic-bound dressage horse, and place it carefully in bed next to your sleeping husband. Get ready to enjoy the "oh-you-really-got-me-this-time" look on his face as he realizes the lengths you've gone through to reenact a cherished scene from a classic American film!
posted by malocchio at 10:08 AM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


#1,864

Cook him a dinner that incorporates legumes, broccoli, cauliflower, and kimchi, but don't let on that you've been gorging on those same foods all day! For "dessert," trounce him in a post-prandial fart contest. Suggest that he lost "because his ass is broken," and offer to "kiss the boo-boo."
posted by evidenceofabsence at 10:09 AM on June 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


Somehow I think this is an attempt on Fox's part to make marriage seem less interesting to gay people.
posted by Gorgik at 10:12 AM on June 23, 2012 [52 favorites]


#56 Hide the existence of your identical twin from the beginning of your relationship. When things slow down, call your twin and have her come visit. Dress her up in your clothes and then stab her a lot. Record a video on your computer saying your husband is trying to kill you. Leave the house and wait until he comes home to a bloody mess before calling the cops. Attend the trial wearing a disguise and when nobody else is looking, reveal yourself to only him. You'll never believe the look on his face!
posted by allen.spaulding at 10:25 AM on June 23, 2012 [5 favorites]


#668- Prepare a big batch of his favorite egg salad, but mix in a healthy amount of chopped raw garlic and fresh ground wasabi. Prepare for some spicy garlic-flavored smooches when he finds out what you've done!
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 10:25 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


We’ve been invited to a friends party .


That's just a party where you dress up as your favorite FRIENDS character.
posted by The Whelk at 10:26 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


#2,534

When the two of you are laying in bed, talk out of the corner of your mouth in a funny sexy voice, saying "hey, can I join you two?" And then turn to the side of the bed and say "of course you can, there's ALWAYS ROOM FOR JELL-O!" and then pick up a bowl of Jell-O and plop it on the bed between you and the hubs. Add some whipped cream topping for a sexy twist!
posted by cortex at 10:53 AM on June 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


"He Says You Stink! Perfumes That Men Hate" is the best thing I have ever read on the internets.

Thanks, Amber Milt!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:55 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


#3,870

Next time he's feeling frisky, say "sorry baby, my stomach's upset", but when he starts to look bummed lift up your shirt to reveal a frowny face you've drawn on your belly. Then grab your stomach and twist the frown into a smile and say "just goofin'!" He'll be "inspired" by your artistic whimsey.
posted by cortex at 10:59 AM on June 23, 2012 [20 favorites]


#2112- On his next birthday, why not give him a shot in the junk? Just straight up punch him in the nuts. Right in the ol' meat and two veg. Offer to "kiss the boo-boo."
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:00 AM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


They totally should have hired cotrex for this article.
posted by Meeks Ormand at 11:02 AM on June 23, 2012 [10 favorites]


I can't stop imagining " Why Does He Hate Your Makeup" as some kind of primal howl being delivered by a raging madwoman in a black box theatre.
posted by The Whelk at 11:05 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


They totally should have hired cotrex for this article.

I'm starting to suspect they did.
posted by gompa at 11:06 AM on June 23, 2012 [7 favorites]


#1107: This one's for the fellas! Write your gal a long, heartfelt, letter about how you've been doing a lot of praying and soul-searching and you've decided to join the FLDS Church and that next week her 14 year old niece will become her "sister wife". When she bursts into tears yell "KIDDING"! When she recovers she'll be so happy that she'll let you make sweet, sweet, procreational love to her.
posted by MikeMc at 11:15 AM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


A+ thread, would read again
posted by SomaSoda at 11:16 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


#233: When he arrives home from work, greet him at the door in one of his dress shirts, a tie, suit jacket and pants. Take the briefcase from his hand, kiss him on the cheek and tell him you're off to work! Find a job in a fast-growing sector of the economy and work overtime until you've achieved a senior management position, then transfer to your husband's firm and have him fired for sexual harassment! Tell him he'll have to "learn some manners" back home in bed! Fellas love the long con!
posted by gompa at 11:23 AM on June 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


The best pranks are the simplest, just leave town for six months with no explanation or clues to your wares outs. Return later as if nothing had happened, boy will his face be red! And he'll have missed you so much you can expect muy caliente bedroom behavior from your love lorn beau!!!
posted by The Whelk at 11:27 AM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


Somehow I think this is an attempt on Fox's part to make marriage seem less interesting to gay people.

Or a conspiracy instigated by the cats of the world to turn women off to marriage in order to have more cat ladies to pamper them.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:58 PM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


The gummy worm apple is cute... for kids... I guess...
posted by Night_owl at 2:38 PM on June 23, 2012


#432 - Next time you're with your wife at the supermarket checkout, lean over to her and stage whisper in her ear, "Honey, your dick is hanging out." If she gets mad, proudly proclaim, "I told you when we got married that I love you just the way you are!"
posted by robocop is bleeding at 2:42 PM on June 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


Men who forget to floss their teeth increase the bacteria in their gums, and this bacteria can travel through the bloodstream, combine with plaque and clog blood vessels which make getting an erection difficult.

Is this.... even remotely possible?
It seems... um..... unlikely.


Yogurt, kombucha, and kimchi are hardly erection killers, if only judging by populations in Asia.
posted by O Blitiri at 2:55 PM on June 23, 2012


Ask big tall hubby to double-check the battery in the bedroom smoke detector; what he won't know is you used a stepladder to replace it already—with a jalapeno pepper! Get ready for some spicy laughs!

Okay this one could actually be hilarious if you made it into an ongoing game of one-upsmanship where you each kept secretly replacing things without telling in a sort of long-con-ish way. (And not, you know, live saving devices.)

Oh sure, I can fix that, let me just get my socket set... dammit, my 3/8" socket has been replaced by an acorn!

Here, you can borrow my pen... wait, I'm sorry, I thought I had one in my purse but apparently it seems to have been replaced by the stalk of a candy cane.

You have a headache? Oh, let me get you the aspirin... which seems to have been replaced by M&Ms.

Hmmm, I'm out of paper clips. I think there's another box at the back of the .... aaaaaaand this box is full of BBs that just spilled everywhere. Great, thanks honey.

posted by Rhomboid at 2:57 PM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am both awed and slightly terrified by Cortex's ability to churn out pranks that are both awful, yet wholly plausible within the context of this article.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 3:05 PM on June 23, 2012 [9 favorites]


Yes, I'm making a note here: do not marry Cortex. Not even for the giant donuts.
posted by hattifattener at 3:49 PM on June 23, 2012 [6 favorites]


#5,425

Put on something low-cut, take a saucy self-portrait of "the goods", and print out two copies and tape them to the lenses of his glasses when he's not looking. When he puts them on, chide him while he's confused by saying "hey, fella, my eyes are up here!"
posted by cortex at 3:57 PM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Cortex is starting to worry me.
posted by arcticseal at 4:00 PM on June 23, 2012 [11 favorites]


"5. If your guy is shy but has a good sense of humor, take a picture of the toilet in your bathroom, then plug your digital camera into a computer or TV and load the picture onto your screen. When he comes out of the bathroom, start laughing and pointing. He will see the picture and think you saw him in there!"


Seriously? You think making your bf think you are a weirdo who videos people in the bathroom will improve your love life? Are you single or stupid?
posted by marienbad at 4:20 PM on June 23, 2012 [1 favorite]


Guys ...when was the last time you heard from Cortex's wife?

Just sayin'...
posted by The Whelk at 4:29 PM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


Cortex's posts have the air of an indie sci-fi film.
It started off as a joke but he's crossed some sort of threshold and is staring into the face of God.

Secretly replace your hubby's MP3 collection with identical tracks at a lower bit OH CHRIST I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE KILL KILL DEATH TO THE *gunshot*
posted by fullerine at 4:37 PM on June 23, 2012 [4 favorites]


OH CHRIST I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE KILL KILL DEATH TO THE *gunshot*

LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!
posted by MikeMc at 5:21 PM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


OH YOU
posted by empath at 6:16 PM on June 23, 2012


#8995

While wearing a pair of lederhosen and nothing else, present a live lobster on a commemorative Pat Sajak plate. Invite him to your bubble forest.
posted by empath at 6:20 PM on June 23, 2012 [8 favorites]


Congratulations yerfatma, I think you just made cortex's day.
posted by Scientist at 6:54 PM on June 23, 2012


#53535 become a helicopter. when he wants snuggle time say ROTOR WARN. you will be a helicopter and it will be hard and lonely. warn of the rotors and feed as you must. the rest will come naturally. it will be very, very hard but when that pillow drops, covered in your writings about your systems, and rotors, he will understand, he will cry, and you will comfort him and wonder how this all started and something in that will free you, fundamentally. you will be free and you will fly away and the rotors will fail and what of it.
posted by passerby at 7:01 PM on June 23, 2012 [76 favorites]


That was beautiful.
posted by empath at 7:37 PM on June 23, 2012


I think I caught schizophrenia from passerby's comment. Just a head's up there...
posted by danl at 11:10 PM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


The curse has lifted, the madness absorbed by brave passerby.
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:22 PM on June 23, 2012 [2 favorites]


#8,254

Ask him if he'd like a cup of tea; pick out all the "T" shapes from a box of Alphabits and fill up a mug, add milk, and serve with a spoon. He'll be hungry for more than breakfast cereal after this fun switcheroo!
posted by cortex at 9:32 AM on June 24, 2012 [12 favorites]


MikeMC: #25 or 6 to 4: Serve him breakfast in bed on Sunday. Lightly dose his coffee with LSD and wear this mask around the house for the rest of the day. Don't forget to hide the firearms!

I knew that the mask you were going to link to was that fuckin' creepy ass horse-head. I'm not sure how and I LOL-ed my ass off, but now it's scaring me a little bit.

*Looks in coffee cup*
posted by Skygazer at 10:19 AM on June 24, 2012


I would buy a range of greetings cards written by cortex.
posted by arcticseal at 11:32 AM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]


I can't quite tell if this is a joke or a real thing. As far as I know, in the states we haven't gotten quite so sophisticated at tripe-writing that we have dedicated companies to outsource it to...yet.

Oh yes you do. They usually describe themselves as SEO specialists, which indicates the quality of work they produce.
posted by Summer at 12:46 PM on June 24, 2012


Their quality of work is special.
posted by TwelveTwo at 12:56 PM on June 24, 2012


cortex i just

just

i just

stop it




stop it
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:03 AM on June 25, 2012


cortex, don't listen to DoctorFedora, we all need to know: do you have any tips for couples with houseplants?
posted by TwelveTwo at 12:06 AM on June 25, 2012


Milt actually means "fish semen." Just saying.
posted by Pallas Athena at 1:44 AM on June 25, 2012


My sex life has gone from woah to go in just 48 hours.
Thanks cortex, you saved my marriage!
posted by Mezentian at 2:15 AM on June 25, 2012


#11,498

Spraypaint a hairbrush green and "plant" it in a small terracotta pot. Tell the fella that you bought a cactus today, and then lob it at him. Once he's done laughing he'll be hungry for "desert"!
posted by cortex at 7:09 AM on June 25, 2012 [12 favorites]


I vote cortex start a relationship blog.
posted by Cogentesque at 8:44 AM on June 25, 2012


nooo every time cortex starts a project another project has a die, its the law of conversation of blogs
posted by The Whelk at 8:52 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do we get to vote which project dies?
posted by TwelveTwo at 9:35 AM on June 25, 2012


dear ask.mefi
i am crying at work due to description of 4 cuil helicopter prank
hope me
posted by MangyCarface at 10:44 AM on June 25, 2012


ca;ch Can't answer, currently a helicopter.
posted by The Whelk at 10:45 AM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


1492. Hide all maps and dress up in as a sailing ship. When your husband comes home, tell him to come aboad and sail to the New World! For added spice, hide all the fruit and tell him he's a scurvy dog.
posted by zippy at 11:40 AM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


#1408: : Five. This is five. Ignore the sirens. Even if you leave this room, you can never leave this room. Eight. This is eight. We have killed your friends. Every friend is now dead.
posted by Artw at 11:56 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


shopper:
hell o need a glass hammer where can i find a glass hammer do you have it ? thank you for your article.


Um.
posted by obscurator at 12:17 PM on June 25, 2012


# Yo ho hum: Draw an X on your bikini bottom and fill it with fresh loam. Hand your husband an eyepatch when he comes home from work and invite him to find the buried pirate booty!
posted by zippy at 12:37 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


#404093u5029438u5 - Spread cheesecake on boobies. Tell husband/BF he to eat it. Tickle him while he does it.

HA HA HA!!
posted by Skygazer at 1:03 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


#555
Develop a strong interest in televised sporting matches, then barge in on his habitual, assumed-to-be-clandestine viewing of pornography and yell "Change the channel - the victor of the televised sporting match is about to be decided!" He will be somewhat more aroused by your interest in televised sports than he is in viewing pornography, and soon enough you will find yourselves engaged in the acts portrayed on the screen of the darkened "man cave." (e.g. sex). That is, unless you actually have developed a genuine interest in televised sporting matches, no doubt due to your own arousal induced by the athlete's form-fitting uniforms.

Spicy.
posted by obscurator at 1:06 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


#75849jiofopwrej0

Draw helicopter on penis. Play "THE END" by The Doors REALLY LOUD. Run around living room screaming:

DEE DEE MOW!! DEE DEE MOW!! SHOOT!! YANKEE GO HOME!!! ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME JOE!! DEE DEE MOW!! DEE DEE MOW!! Decapitate COW. JUMP OUT WINDOW.
posted by Skygazer at 1:08 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Someday this war is gonna end...
posted by Artw at 6:11 PM on June 25, 2012 [2 favorites]


Meanwhile, someone's left a cow carcass on my couch. At least it's company whilst Wimbledon is on.
posted by arcticseal at 6:28 PM on June 25, 2012


#16,448

Dog owner? When the man of the house is due home, get your furry friend under the covers with you and wait for him to find you in the bedroom. Shout "it's not what it looks like!" and watch him do a double-take! You can bet he'll want to show his best friend how it's really done!
posted by cortex at 6:30 PM on June 25, 2012 [4 favorites]


I was wrong, the curse was not lifted, the madness was not absorbed by brave passerby, it was magnified, and turned helicopter!
posted by TwelveTwo at 10:16 PM on June 25, 2012


#123,456:

Due to inevitable hubby prank escalation, you must up the ante for maximum Scoville scale bedroom piquance, but keep it simple with a classic, because the Hubs loves him a callback!

Replace the internal components of Cliff HUBstables Macbook Pro with earthworms.

RAM? Earthworms.
Harddrive? Earthworms.
Power supply? Earthworms!

Make sure you have enough worms that the Hubbie Telescope sees your message loud and clear!

If a slimey mass of writhing pink worms jammed into his motherboard doesn't shine his Hubcaps (if you know what I mean), nothing will!
posted by haveanicesummer at 12:12 PM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


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