GRADE EIGHT, HAD A CHEM TEACHER NAMED MR. POITRAS. IT'S A VERY FRENCH NAME, SO YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO ROLL THE 'R' AROUND IN YOUR MOUTH FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES BEFORE SPITTING IT OUT. ANYWAY THERE WAS THIS KID CHRIS WHO VERY MUCH ENJOYED CALLING MR. POITRAS 'MR. POITWATH' WITH A HINT OF A LISP AND PRETENDING THAT HE SIMPLY COULDN'T DO ANY BETTER. HE ALWAYS SAID THE NAME TWICE IN A ROW (QUICKLY), AND EVEN TO THIS DAY, IF, FOR SOME VERY BIZARRE REASON, I HEAR 'MR. POITWATH!! MR. POITWATH!!' I AM INSTANTLY BE YANKED BACK TO A POORLY LIT CLASSROOM FULL OF LONG GRANITE COUNTERTOPS WITH BUILT IN DRAINS AND HUNDRED-YEAR-OLD BUNSEN BURNERS FROM A TIME LONG SINCE PASSED.THE TALE OF THE CANADIAN SCIENCE MUSEUM
ANYWAY WE HAD SOME LOCKED CUPBOARDS IN THIS CLASSROOM AND THEY CONTAINED A MYRIAD OF DUSTY RELICS AND ARTEFACTS FROM GENERATIONS AGO. I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HAD A KEY TO THE CONTENTS OF THESE CUPBOARDS, BUT I PERSONALLY BELIEVED THAT THE SCHOOL HAD MOST LIKELY BEEN BUILT AROUND THESE OBJECTS, WHICH NO DOUBT HAD BEEN DISCOVERED BY PIONEERS WHEN THEY FIRST LANDED ON THESE WESTERN SHORES. THERE WERE SOME CRACKED, LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS THAT LOOKED LIKE THEY MIGHT BE ORIGINAL EDITIONS OF SHAKESPEARE, OR THE BIBLE, SOME RUSTY BRONZE TOOLS THAT I FANCIED CAME FROM THE BYZANTINE ERA, WHAT LOOKED LIKE THE WORLD'S FIRST WIG, AND A GIANT FOOT-LONG SALAMANDER IN A GIANT MASON JAR FILLED WITH FORMALDEHYDE.
SO ANYWAY CHRIS WAS KIND OF A JERK AND I REMEMBER AS SOON AS WE STARTED THE YEAR HE WAS YELLING OUT "MR. POITWATH! MR. POITWATH! WHAT'S THE THING IN THE CUPBOARD!" AND MR. POITRAS WOULD TRY AND MAINTAIN HIS DIGNITY AND TELL CHRIS THAT IT WAS OBVIOUSLY A SALAMANDER IN A JAR OF PRESERVATIVE. AND CHRIS ASKED WHERE IT CAME FROM AND MR. POITRAS SAID IT WAS THERE EVER SINCE HE COULD REMEMBER, AND THEN CHRIS GOT IT INTO HIS HEAD THAT MAYBE HE COULD CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF THE THING.
SO BASICALLY FROM THAT POINT ON EVERY CHEMISTRY COURSE WOULD START WITH CHRIS SCREAMING OUT "MR. POITWATH! MR. POITWATH! CAN I HAVE THE SALAMANDER?" AND MR. POITRAS WOULD LOOK LIKE HE HAD BEEN MORTALLY WOUNDED AND WOULD MOUTH OUT 'POITRAS' IN A BESEECHING SORT OF WAY AND THEN TELL CHRIS IN NO POLITE TERMS THAT HE COULD NOT HAVE THE SALAMANDER. AND THEN THE NEXT DAY THIS WOULD REPEAT ITSELF.
ANYWAY MR. POITRAS CRACKED AFTER ABOUT A MONTH OF THIS ABUSE AND TOLD CHRIS THAT IF HE STOPPED YELLING OUT HIS NAME EVERYDAY, AND MAINTAINED AN 80 AVERAGE, HE COULD HAVE THE SALAMANDER AT THE END OF THE YEAR. AND CHRIS TOTALLY COMPLIED. I MEAN THERE WERE STILL A LOT OF 'MR. POITWATH'S' BUT ON THE WHOLE CHRIS KEPT HIS PROMISE.
SO THE END OF THE YEAR COMES AROUND AND IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL AND CHRIS IS ALL FIDGETY AND MR. POITRAS IS ALL FIDGETY AND HE'S HANDING OUT FINAL GRADES AND I THINK EVERYONE'S WAY MORE INTERESTED IN CHRIS' MARK RATHER THAN THEIR OWN. AND MR. POITRAS HANDS CHRIS A PIECE OF PAPER AND CHRIS LOOKS AT THE GRADE AND SCREAMS OUT 'YES!!!! MR. POITWATH!! MR. POITWATH!! I GOT OVER 80! YOU SAID I COULD HAVE THE SALAMANDER!' AND MR. POITRAS SIGHS AND SUDDENLY LOOKS VERY OLD AND MUMBLES SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE'LL GO FIND A KEY AND DISAPPEARS FROM THE ROOM.
SO WE'RE ALL ASKING CHRIS WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO WITH THE SALAMANDER AND HE KEEPS SAYING HE'S GOT PLANS AND SUDDENLY MR. POITRAS REAPPEARS WITH LIKE THE WORLD'S OLDEST SKELETON KEY AND SLIPS IT INTO THE KEYHOLE AND TURNS BACK THE LOCK. HE GRABS THE GIANT MASON JAR WITH BOTH HANDS AND TURNS IT OVER TO CHRIS, WHO IMMEDIATELY SHRIEKS IN DELIGHT AND RUNS RIGHT OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.
AND WE'RE ALL MOMENTARILY STUNNED AND CAN HEAR HIM STILL SHRIEKING AND TEACHERS ARE STICKING THEIR HEADS OUT OF THE DOORS AND THE SHRIEK DIES DOWN A BIT IN VOLUME AND WE HEAR A DOOR SLAM AND THE SHRIEK STARTS GETTING LOUDER AGAIN
AND IT'S CLEAR THAT CHRIS IS NOW OUTSIDE SO EVERYONE RUNS TO THE WINDOWS - THERE WAS A NICE LONG ROW OF WINDOWS IN THIS CLASSROOM OVERLOOKING THE GIANT PARKING LOT WHERE THE SCHOOLBUSSES CONGREGATE AND THE WINDOWS ARE ALL OPEN BECAUSE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL JUNE AFTERNOON SO WE CAN HEAR AND SEE THINGS CLEARLY. THE SUN IS BEATING DOWN ON THE ASPHALT AND EVERYTHING IS JUST REALLY WARM AND SUNNY.
BECAUSE IT'S ONLY LIKE 3:05 THERE'S ONLY ONE LONE SCHOOLBUS PARKED IN THAT GIANT PARKING LOT AND WE ALL WATCH AS CHRIS MAKES A BEELINE FOR IT, SHRIEKING AND HOLDING THE JAR, AND HE RUNS DOWN THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE PARKING LOT, AND GODDAMN IT IF HE DOESN'T JUST HUCK THAT FUCKING JAR RIGHT AT THE SIDE OF THE SCHOOL BUS AND IT EXPLODES INTO A BILLION PIECES AND THAT GIANT BLOATED SALAMANDER FALLS HEAVILY TO THE GROUND AND IS JUST LYING THERE AND CHRIS JUST KEEPS TEARING ACROSS THE PARKING LOT SHRIEKING UNTIL HE'S OUT OF SIGHT. IT WAS A REALLY INTERESTING WAY TO END THE SCHOOL YEAR.
SO ONE OF THE BIG 'TREATS' OF THE YEAR IS THE FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY. WHICH IS DISAPPOINTINGLY SMALL WHEN I VISIT IT NOW, BUT AT THE TIME I WAS CONVINCED IT WAS BY FAR THE LARGEST MUSEUM IN THE WORLD. EVERYONE LOVED THE MUSEUM OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY. YOU GOT MORE EXERCISE THERE THAN YOU DID ANY OTHER DAY OF THE YEAR, SIMPLY BECAUSE THE BUILDING WAS ENORMOUS AND CONTAINED THOUSANDS OF EXHIBITS THAT ALL HINGED ON PUSHING BUTTONS AND TURNING CRANKS. THE CIRCUIT FOR YOUR TYPICAL SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WAS AS FOLLOWS:THE TALE OF THE FRENCH STUDENT WHO COULDN'T SPEAK FRENCH
ENTER THE BUILDING. LOOK WISTFULLY AT THE DEHYDRATED ICE-CREAM IN THE GIFTSHOP. GO TO THAT THING WHERE YOU PRESS THE BUTTON AND MAGNETS MAKE AN IRON RING SHOOT ALONGSIDE A GIANT METAL POLE, SHAPED LIKE AN UPSIDE-DOWN 'U', OVER TO YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO IS JUST DYING TO PRESS HIS BUTTON SO HE CAN SEND THE IRON RING BACK OVER TO YOU.
THEN YOU GO PRESS THE BUTTON THAT MAKES THE LIGHTBULB TURN ON, THEN PRESS THE BUTTON THAT SENDS A GIANT VINDICTIVE PURPLE LINE OF ENERGY COURSING BETWEEN TWO ELECTRODES, THEN RUN ALONG A WHOLE STRING OF HIGHSCHOOL SCIENCE PROJECTS UNDER GLASS AND PRESS EVERY POSSIBLE BUTTON YOU CAN GET YOUR GRIMY FINGERS ON. RUN INTO AN ADJACENT ROOM THAT HAS AN ENORMOUS WALL FULL OF BLEEPING AND BLOOPING GIANT PLASTIC TRANSISTORS. COMPLETELY IGNORE THE LOOPED 'HISTORY OF THE COMPUTER' THAT'S BEING NARRATED IN ENGLISH AND THEN FRENCH. GO TO THE ASTRONAUT SECTION. TAKE AN 'AIR SHOWER' WHICH IS KIND OF JUST LIKE STANDING IN FRONT OF A FAN NOW THAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT. GO TO THE CRAZY KITCHEN, WHICH IS JUST A ROOM BUILT ON PREPOSTEROUSLY OBTUSE AND ACUTE ANGLES. FIND THE INCUBATOR AND BE DISAPPOINTED IN HOW SLOWLY CHICKENS HATCH. TAP ON THE GLASS. GO TO THE TRAINS - REAL GODDAMNED TRAINS! AND CRAWL AROUND INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF THE CARS. GO LOOK AT THE MINIATURE CANADA-ARM AND MARVEL AT WHATEVER THAT THING IS. FIND THAT THING WHERE STEEL SPHERES SLOWLY MAKE CONCENTRIC CIRCLES INSIDE THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A TORNADO. BRIEFLY THINK ABOUT LIFE AS THE HEAVY BALLS ROLL TO THEIR DOOM. TAKE BRIEF INTEREST IN ANOTHER CLASS FROM ANOTHER SCHOOL, AND INSTANTLY DECIDE YOU'RE MUCH HAPPIER AND BETTER OFF WITH YOUR CURRENT FRIENDS. WAIT IMPATIENTLY AS A MAN OR SCIENTIST PERFORMS AN HOURLY SHOW REGARDING THE MAGICAL PROPERTIES OF LIQUID NITROGEN. GET IDEAS WHEN HE DIPS A ROSE INTO THE COOLER AND THEN SHATTERS IT AGAINST THE WALLS. ALMOST LOSE YOUR SANITY AND REASON WHEN HE POURS THE STUFF OUT ON THE FLOOR, COMMANDS EVERYONE TO WAIT A FEW SECONDS, AND THEN LETS EVERYONE RUN AMUCK IN THE HISSING, EVAPORATING LIQUID. SCRAPE YOUR FINGERTIPS AGAINST THE STIFFENED CARPET. BACK TO THE TRAINS. ARGUE BACK AND FORTH WHETHER THE 'FIRE' IN THE BOILER THAT YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE GLASS IS REAL OR NOT. MEET UP WITH CLASS. EXCITEDLY YELL ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU HAVE DISCOVERED ABOUT LIFE; COMPLETELY IGNORE YOUR FRIENDS AS THEY PARROT IT ALL BACK TO YOU. CONSIDER FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU NO LONGER HAVE A JACKET. RUN TO THE PERISCOPES - THESE GO RIGHT UP THESE METAL PIPES A THOUSAND FEET ABOVE YOU AND COME OUT THE ROOF OF THE MUSEUM. STARE HAPPILY AT PASSERS-BY WHO ARE COMPLETELY IGNORANT THEY'RE BEING SPIED UPON. VAGUELY PONDER WHICH CONTINENT YOU MUST BE LOOKING AT. LOOK AT THE INSIDE OF A GEODE. WATCH A VIDEO OF A TOP SPINNING IN SLOW MOTION. AND THEN - THE GIFT SHOP! DEHYDRATED ASTRONAUT FOOD! SPY GEAR! DINOSAUR MODELS! SMALL BUT FUNCTIONING TELESCOPES! FEATHERS FROM GENUINE NATIVE AMERICANS! MINIATURE REPLICAS OF TOOLS NEEDED TO PERFORM A SUCCESSFUL ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG! HOLY CHRIST!
RETURN TO THE COATROOM HOLDING ONTO A RUBBER DINOSAUR THAT WILL QUICKLY GROW TO BE AS LARGE AS A TANK. REDISCOVER YOUR JACKET. INQUIRE AS TO WHETHER POPSICLES WILL BE DISTRIBUTED UPON RETURN TO CLASS. WALK OUTSIDE, SINGLE FILE. SUFFER A SPLIT-SECOND, ACHING, EXPECTANT FLASH OF AN EMOTION WELL BEYOND YOUR YEARS AS YOU LOOK AT THE SKY AND THE SNOW FALLING SOFTLY OUT OF IT. LAUNCH A PRIVATE INQUIRY AS TO WHERE THE SMELL OF OLD APPLES IS EMANATING. CHOOSE THE SEAT OVER THE BACK REAR TIRE. EXAMINE THE BACKING OF THE SEAT IN FRONT OF YOU. RUN YOUR FINGER OVER THE SMALL BLACK PLASTIC WIREY-THING THAT FOLLOWS THE CONTOUR OF THE SEAT, PEEL BACK SOME OF THE DUCT-TAPE REPAIRING A CUT IN THE SYNTHETIC LEATHER. PRESS YOUR NOSE AGAINST THE GLASS, HOOK YOUR FINGERS INTO THE SLOTS YOU NEED TO PUSH IN TO OPEN THE WINDOW, AND STARE OUT AT THE SLOW, DYING AFTERNOON FULL OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GET HOME.
ANYWAY SO TODAY WE HAD THIS EXERCISE TO DO IN FRENCH CLASS, BASICALLY 12 PEOPLE ARE SHIPWRECKED ON A DESERTED ISLAND AND THEY'VE BUILT A RAFT TO GO FIND LAND OR HELP OR SOMETHING, BUT THE RAFT CAN ONLY HOLD 6 PEOPLE, AND YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH 6 PEOPLE GO ON THE EXPEDITION AND WHICH 6 PEOPLE STAY ON THE ISLAND. AND THIS IS LIKE AN EXERCISE GEARED TOWARDS 6-YEAR-OLDS. THE CHOICES, FOR THE MOST PART, ARE REALLY GODDAMNED OBVIOUS. HERE'S THE LIST:THE TALE OF THE SEED-SPRAYERS
A MARINE BIOLOGIST
AN AWARD-WINNING LIFEGUARD
A CRAZY PSYCHIC
A MARINE WITH 18 YEARS EXPERIENCE WHO IS ALSO A COOK
AN ARTIST WITH A 9-YEAR-OLD SON WHO IS GOOD AT MAKING STAINED GLASS
A LUMBERJACK
AN INVALID
A WEAVER WHO KNOWS ABOUT PLANTS AND SHIT
A RETIRED PERSON
A 26-YEAR-OLD GLOBETROTTER
A NOBEL-PRIZE WINNING PHYSICIST
AN ACTRESS
OKAY
SO I MEAN IF YOU'RE SENDING PEOPLE OUT ON A GODDAMNED FUCKING EXPEDITION THIS SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD. MARINE, LIFEGUARD, MARINE BIOLOGIST, RIGHT? NO QUESTIONS ASKED? OKAY AND THEN PEOPLE ON THE ISLAND - ARTIST, ACTRESS, RETIRED PERSON, CRAZY PSYCHIC, INVALID RIGHT? AND THEN IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE 3 MORE FROM THE REMAINING GROUP FOR THE RAFT CHANCES ARE YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE PHYSICIST, THE GLOBETROTTER, AND THEN EITHER THE LUMBERJACK OR WEAVER
SO GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IF THIS WOMAN DOESN'T OPEN UP HER CHOICES WITH THE ACTRESS AND THE PSYCHIC AND I WAS LIKE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING DUMB AND THE THING IS EVERYONE IN THE GROUP HAS TO SORT OF VOTE ON IT, AND BASICALLY EVERYONE ELSE CHOSE THE EXACT SAME THING AND ALL OUR VOTES WERE 7-1 AND THIS WOMAN GOT SO UPSET AND SO SOUR-FACED EVERYTIME WE VOTED HER DOWN
AND SHE KEPT TRYING TO JUSTIFY HER ANSWERS EXCEPT SHE CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH SO BASICALLY ALL SHE KEPT SAYING WAS "JE PENSE QUE IL EST ROBUSTE" FOR SOME FUCKING REASON SO SHE'S GOT HER WHOLE BOAT OF 'ROBUST' CRIPPLES AND RETIRED PEOPLE AND ACTRESSES AND GOD I WAS GETTING SO IRRITATED
AND EVEN AFTER WE'D VOTE HER DOWN AND MOVE ON SHE WOULD GET ALL GRUMPY AND ANGRY AND BE LIKE 'WELL THE MARINE SHOULD STAY BECAUSE HE CAN COOK AND THE ISLAND NEEDS A COOK' AND EVERYONE'S LIKE 'HE'S A MARINE' AND SHE'D BE LIKE 'YEAH BUT HE CAN COOK'
I AM REMINDED OF A STORY TOLD LAST WEEK WHEN SOME FRIENDS WERE DOING THEIR BEST TO CROSS INTO HONDURAS. THEY WERE APPROACHING THE BORDER IN THEIR CAR WHEN SUDDENLY TWO MEN CAME JUMPING OUT INTO THE ROAD, SCREAMING AT THEM (MY FRIENDS - WE SHALL REFER TO THEM AS A, B AND C FOR THE MOMENT) TO STOP.THE TALE OF THE BORDER CROSSINGS
A PULLED OVER IN A HURRY AND ROLLED DOWN THE WINDOW. THE TWO GUATEMALAN MEN STARTING WILDLY GESTICULATING THAT THEY COULD NOT POSSIBLY EVEN BEGIN TO THINK ABOUT CROSSING THE BORDER WITHOUT FIRST HAVING THEIR CAR SPRAYED ´FOR SEEDS´.
"FOR SEEDS," EXCLAIMED B IN ALARM, "WHAT?"
IN POOR ENGLISH THE TWO GUATEMALAN MEN EXCLAIMED THAT THERE WERE CERTAIN SEEDS THAT COULD NOT BE IMPORTED INTO HONDURAS WITHOUT DEVASTATING EFFECT TO THE COUNTRY. SEEDS WHO COULD AFFIX THEMSELVES TO A VEHICAL WITH A TENANCITY NOT SEEN SINCE BIBLICAL TIMES. SEEDS THAT SIMPLY COULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PASS.
THE TWO GUATEMALAN MEN STARTED JUMPING UP AND DOWN BECAUSE THEY WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT THESE SEEDS. THEY BEGAN SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LITTLE GUATEMALAN LUNGS THAT THE CAR ABSOLUTELY NEEDED TO BE SPRAYED OR ELSE ALL HELL WOULD BREAK LOOSE ONCE IN HONDURAS. A & B LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND TIMIDLY ASKED EXACTLY HOW MUCH THIS WOULD COST.
"$40!!" SHRIEKED THE GUATEMALAN MEN, STILL FLAILING ABOUT AS THOUGH THEY WERE ON FIRE.
C CONSENTED, PULLED OUT HIS WALLET, AND TOOK OUT TWO TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS. THE TWO GUATEMALANS SALIVATED BRIEFLY AT THE SIGHT, SNATCHED THE MONEY, AND BOTH BEGAN SHOUTING INTO A LARGE BUSH SOME TWENTY FEET AWAY.
OUT OF THE BUSH A THIRD GUATEMALAN APPEARED, HOLDING A COMMON GARDEN HOSE. HE MEEKLY WALKED UP TO THE CAR AND BEGAN TO SHAMEFULLY SPRINKLE A MEAGER AMOUNT OF WATER OVER THE CAR. A, B & C ALL SAT AND WATCHED AS THIS POOR MAN SLOPPED HIS HOSE OVER THE VEHICAL WHILE STARING AT HIS SHOES AND REFUSING TO LOOK ANYBODY IN THE EYE. THE OTHER TWO BRASH MEN HAD ALSO ADOPTED A QUIETER DEMEANOR, AND THE THREE OF THEM BEGAN TO SLOWLY CIRCLE THE CAR AND SORT OF GIVE IT A LOOSE WASHING WITH THE CORNERS OF THEIR SLEEVES, ALL THE WHILE LOOKING UTTERLY EMBARRASSED. B LIKENED THE EXPERIENCE TO A TRIBE OF INDIGENOUS PEOPLE PERFORMING A DARK RITUAL AROUND A CORPSE.
AT THIS POINT A WOMAN CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND LITERALLY YELLED OUT "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?" AT A, B & C, AND THE THREE MEN BOLTED OFF INTO THE HORIZON.
SO I HAD TO TAKE SOME SORT OF BUS ´TOUR´ TO GUATEMALA BECAUSE APPARENTLY ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THIS BY YOURSELF. ANYWAY ONE SKETCHY BUS RIDE DRIVEN BY THE MOST INDIFFERENT FAT MAN IVE EVER SEEN GOT US TO SOME SORT OF POO-BROWN RIVER. THEN THE INDIFFERENT FAT MAN WAVED US OUT OF THE BUS AND POINTED DOWN TO THE RIVER. HE EVEN ACCOMPANIED US FOR ABOUT TWENTY FEET AND THEN TURNED AROUND AND MARCHED BACK TO THE BUS.THE TALE OF PEPE THE GOOD BOY
WE WANDERED AROUND, ASKED A FEW PEOPLE WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON, THEY ALL TOLD US TO GO BACK AND TALK TO THE INDIFFERENT FAT MAN.
SO WE GO BACK, HE´S LONG GONE, EVERYONE´S MILLING AROUND LOOKING RETARDED WHEN SUDDENLY THE FAT GUY JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE DOWN BY THE RIVER AND STARTS WHISTLING AND WAVING HIS ARMS IN THE AIR.
SO WE RUSH OVER THERE AND HE PUSHES US INTO THIS LONG BOAT ON THE POO-BROWN RIVER. I KNOW FOR A GODDAMNED FACT THAT THIS IS THE BORDER BETWEEN MEXICO AND GUATEMALA, BUT FOR SOME REASON WE CANT JUST CROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE, WE NEED TO FIGHT THE CURRENT FOR LIKE FIFTY MILES.
FINALLY SOME PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE BECOME VISIBLE AND THAT SHITFUCKING ASSHOLE IN THE BACK THROWS A GODDAMNED TARP ON ME!!! THIS HAPPENED LIKE 5 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS CROSSING INTO GUATEMALA FROM BELIZE!! GOD DAMMIT!!!
SO IM WRITHING UNDER THE TARP AND MAKING MY OBJECTIONS AS AUDIBLE AS POSSIBLE AND SUDDENLY THE TARP IS REMOVED AND IM THROWN OFF THE BOAT INTO THE JUNGLE.
THERES A BUNCH OF GIANT SKETCHY LOOKING GUATEMALANS ALL CLUTCHING FISTFULS OF QUETZALS AND CALCULATORS AND YELLING OUT IN POOR ENGLISH THAT I ABSOLUTELY MUST EXCHANGE MY PESOS WITH THEM RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. THEY PROCLAIM THAT THERE ARE NO BANK MACHINES IN GUATEMALA AND THAT THE GUATEMALA BANKS WILL NOT ACCEPT PESOS AND THE IMMIGRATION OFFICE WILL NOT ACCEPT PESOS.
SO SOMEONE (POSSIBLY ME) SAYS IN AN OBSTINATE VOICE "LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT. YOUR COUNTRY´S NATIONAL BANK WILL NOT ACCEPT CURRENCY FROM THE COUNTRY IT BORDERS. CORRECT?" AND EVERYONE LOOKS A LITTLE DISCONCERTED AND SOMEONE ELSE (POSSIBLY ME) THEN STARTS COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I LEFT A PERFECTLY GOOD BOTTLE OF TEQUILLA IN THE HOSTEL IN PALENQUE BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE A GODDAMNED OFFICIAL CROSSING INTO THE COUNTRY AND NOT THIS SNAKE-OIL SALESMANNING OF PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE WHITE PEOPLE.
ANYWAY SO THEN I HAD THIS BRILLIANT IDEA AND PUSHED MY WAY THROUGH THE SKETCHY CURRENCY CONVERTERS AND CLIMBED THIS LITTLE HILL. LAST TIME IN GUATEMALA I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THE GODDAMNED TOWN BAKER STAMPED MY PASSPORT WITH A LITTLE STAMP HE FOUND NEARBY. ANYWAY THIS TIME THE IMMIGRATION OFFICE WAS THIS LITTLE SHED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. SO I STOOD IN LINE AND THEN EVERYONE STOOD IN LINE AND SOME RANDOM DUDE SHOWED UP AND SAID OF COURSE WE ACCEPT PESOS AND THEN THE CONVERTERS ALL LOOKED DOWN AT THE GROUND AND SHUFFLED OFF INTO THE JUNGLE, PRESUMABLY TO PLOT KIDNAPPINGS
SO I PAY MY $5 TO GET INTO THE COUNTRY
OH FUCK
YEAH SO GETTING OUT OF MEXICO I SHOW UP AND SAY I´M LEAVING THE COUNTRY AND THE DUDE GIVES ME THE FORM TO GET IN THE COUNTRY AND TELLS ME TO GO FUCK OFF. SO I ACTUALLY FILL OUT THE FIRST NAME, LAST NAME PART BEFORE I REALIZE WHAT THE HELL´S GOING ON, AND THEN GO BACK TO THE DUDE BEHIND THE BARS AT THE OFFICE AND WAVE THE ENTRANCE FORM IN HIS FACE AND TELL HIM DUDE I´M LEAVING, I DIDN´T JUST APPEAR OUT OF THE FOREST. AND HE GETS ALL CROSS AND STARTS TELLING ME BECAUSE I BEGAN FILLING OUT THE FORM I NEED TO FINISH IT?! AND I KEEP TELLING HIM I´M NOT FILLING OUT A SECOND ENTRANCE FORM?! AND WE GO BACK AND FORTH AND FINALLY HE STAMPS MY PASSPORT AND THEN WRITES SOMETHING DOWN IN IT, AND I RIP UP THE FORM AND BAIL
YEAH SO BACK IN GUATEMALA, I PAY MY $5 AND THEN ASK WHERE THE NEAREST BATHROOM IS. THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A DECENT ONE, WORKING TOILET AND ALL. ITS GOT FOUR WALLS AND A TIN ROOF AND EVERYTHING. THERE´S THIS BIG WOODEN CABINET BEHIND THE TOILET. I URINATE AND FLUSH AND THEN THIS FUCKING FAT CHILD JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE CABINET WITH THIS BIG BUCKET OF WATER AND JUST DUMPS ALL THE WATER INTO THE TOILET AND THEN STARTS SCREAMING FOR PROPINAS!! GOD DAMMIT!! AND I´M ABOUT TO GET ALL CHRIS HANSON ON THIS LITTLE PERVERT WHEN IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I HAVE A CANADIAN LOONIE IN MY POCKET SO I GIVE IT TO THE FAT CHILD AND INSTRUCT HIM TO USE IT TO BARTER FOR BUTTER CRACKERS OR WHATEVER IT IS HE SEEMS TO BE LIVING ON.
GOD DAMMIT.
TIKAL WAS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME, THOUGH.
MAN WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH COLOMBIA CURRENCY?! NOT ONLY IS IT HYPERINFLATED, SOMEONE UP THERE SAT AMONG A RUINED CITY AND THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, "OKAY, IF THE 1,000 PESO BILL IS GOING TO BE BURNT ORANGE, LET'S MAKE THE 10,000 PESO BILL A NICE RUST COLOR." AS A RESULT I KEEP FUCKING DISHING OUT 10K PESO BILLS INSTEAD OF 1K AND EVERYONE'S HAVING A GODDAMNED FIELD DAY AS A RESULTTHE TALE OF THE LAUNDRY
EXCEPT FOR PEPE.
PEPE, PRONOUNCED PEH-PAY, IS, ACCORDING TO HIM, A "GOOD BOY.. PEPE'S A GOOD BOY" BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY RETURNED A 10K BILL TO ME AFTER I DOLED ONE OUT TRYING TO GIVE HIM 2600 PESOS. I'M NOT JOKING. HE WAS ACTUALLY SAYING "PEPE'S A GOOD, GOOD BOY". I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO PASS OUT. HE WAS LIKE 15 YEARS OLD. I ACTUALLY PATTED HIM ON THE HEAD. IT WAS THE MOST SURREAL THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I GAVE HIM A SMALL PROPINA FOR HIS HONESTY
SO LATER IN THE AFTERNOON I WAS WANDERING AROUND THE CITY WALLS AND GOT STUCK ON THIS ONE PART, AND THEN SOMEWHERE IN THE DEPTHS BELOW ME I HEARD THIS ROUGH VOICE YELL OUT "NO SALIDA!! AMIGO AMIGO!! NO SALIDA!!!"
SO I HOPPED DOWN AND THERE WAS THIS DUDE, MAYBE 30 YEARS OLD, WEARING LIKE THE FIRST OAKLEYS EVER MADE AND LIKE A NO FEAR HAT ON BACKWARDS AND WHAT LITTLE HAIR WAS EXPOSED WAS TOTALLY SLICKED BACK AND THIS DUDE WAS JUST TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL. AND HE WAS SORT OF DESPERATELY TRYING TO EXPLAIN TO ME THAT THE WALL I WAS HIKING LED TO A DEAD END.
SO I THANKED HIM FOR HIS TROUBLE AND HE PULLED DOWN HIS SUPER GAY SHADES AND LOOKED ME IN THE EYE AND SAID "I REMEMBER YOU, AMIGO.. I REMEMBER YOU... DO YOU REMEMBER ME?"
AND I LOOKED THIS FULL GROWN MAN IN THE EYES AND I SAID "PEPE?"
AND HE SAID "WHO IS PEPE? I SAW YOU YESTERDAY ACROSS THE STREET"
AND OF COURSE THAT MADE A LOT MORE SENSE
SO I GAVE A BAG OF LAUNDRY TO THIS RANDOM FAT WOMAN WHO TOLD ME TO COME BACK TO HER HOUSE AT 5. SO I CAME BACK AT 5, AND I SHIT YOU NOT, MY GODDAMNED CLOTHES WERE LIKE SPREAD OUT ON THE FUCKING ROAD AND THIS EVEN FATTER GIRL WAS HOSING THEM DOWN ON THE STREETTHE TALE OF THE JANITOR
SO I WAS LIKE "UM, MY CLOTHES?"
AND THE LADY WAS LIKE "COME BACK TOMORROW"
SO I CAME BACK THE NEXT DAY, AND THE WOMAN RETREATED INTO THE DEPTHS OF HER HOUSE, AND SLOWLY BEGAN TO PULL MY CLOTHES OUT FROM GOD KNOWS WHERE. 1 SHIRT AT A TIME. AND THEY´RE ALL INSIDE OUT AND LOOK LIKE THEY´VE BEEN TRAMPLED BY ELEPHANTS AND THE LADY TAKES THE FIRST SHIRT AND PRESSES IT AGAINST MY ARM. IT´S LIKE MILDLY WARM AND DAMP.
AND SHE SAYS "THIS SHIRT.. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.. THIS ONE IS NOT DRY. ALL THE OTHERS ARE DRY. NOT THIS ONE."
AND I SAID "OKAY"
AND THEN SHE FOLDED IT UP AND PUT IT IN A PLASTIC BAG. THEN SHE WENT BACK INTO THE SHADOWS OF THE BASEMENT OF HER HOUSE OR WHATEVER AND CAME OUT A MOMENT LATER WITH ANOTHER INSIDE-OUT SHIRT. THIS ONE, TOO, WAS PRESSED AGAINST MY ARM. IT WAS ALSO DAMP.
THE WOMAN LOOKED AT ME AND SAID "THIS SHIRT.. THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.. THIS ONE IS NOT DRY. ALL THE OTHERS ARE DRY. NOT THIS ONE."
THIS PROCESS REPEATED ITSELF FOR EVERY ITEM OF CLOTHING I OWNED, MINUS MY TOWEL WHICH SHE HAD APPARENTLY LOST. (SHE FOUND IT THE NEXT DAY, TO HER CREDIT). SHE ALSO CHARGED ME DOUBLE FOR WHATEVER REASON. IT´S OKAY. I AM NOT GOING TO LET THREE DOLLARS BOTHER ME, AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE SHE´LL GET AIDS AND DIE.
ANYWAY PART TWO OF THIS STORY OCCURS IN PANAMA. I WENT TO GRAB A SHIRT FROM THE PLASTIC BAG. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS INSIDE OUT I COULD TELL IT WASN´T ONE OF MINE, AND IT STRUCK ME THAT THIS WOMAN WAS SOMEHOW STILL SCREWING WITH ME THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY.
SO I UNFOLD THE SHIRT A LITTLE BIT AND LOOK DOWN INSIDE AND ALL I SEE IN BIG LETTERS ARE
"DAVE"
AND I WAS LIKE, "AMAZING!! THIS IS A SHIRT I CAN REALLY, YOU KNOW, GET BEHIND!!"
SO I WHIP ON THE SHIRT AND TURN AROUND AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND OF COURSE UNDERNEATH "DAVE" IT SAID "MATTHEWS BAND"
CHRIST
THIS POOR GUY AT MY WORK, HE'S GOT TO BE ABOUT 35, UGLY AS SIN, I THINK HE'S ERITREAN, ANYWAY HE COMES IN WITH HIS VACCUUM AROUND 5PM EVERY DAY TO CLEAN THE OFFICES IN THE BUILDING WHERE I WORK.posted by Rhaomi at 4:46 PM on December 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
HE ALSO USUALLY COMES IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES EARLY BECAUSE I GUESS HE WANTS TO WRAP UP EARLY AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, AND I CERTAINLY CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR THAT.
ANYWAY BECAUSE OF THIS OUR SCHEDULES OVERLAP A BIT AND I END UP TALKING TO THE GUY EVERY OTHER DAY OR SO. AND HIS DAILY LIFE IS RIDICULOUS. RIDICULOUS IN THAT HE'S ALWAYS ON THE VERGE OF BEING FIRED OR VICTIMIZED IN SOME MANNER OR JUST GENERALLY CHASTIZED. WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH, IS THAT HE'S ALWAYS REALLY UPFRONT, AND, WELL, ALMOST BRAZEN ABOUT HOW HIS SHITTY DECISIONS AND WORK ETHIC ARE KEEPING HIM ON TENTERHOOKS 24/7?!
IT'S REALLY BIZARRE. LAST WEEK HE CAME IN ALL FLUSTERED AND BRIEFLY FLOPPED THE NOZZLE OF HIS VACCUUM OVER THE FLOOR, WHILE TELLING ME HE WAS INCHES AWAY FROM UNEMPLOYMENT DUE TO HIS GETTING DRUNK AND LEAVING ONE OF THE DOORS UNLOCKED OVERNIGHT. ANOTHER TIME I REMEMBER HIM TELLING ME HIS FOURTH OR FIFTH WIFE WAS GOING TO BRING HIM TO JUSTICE BECAUSE HE SPENT HIS CHEQUE ON CIGARETTES INSTEAD OF CHILD SUPPORT. THERE'S NEVER ANY REMORSE IN HIS STATEMENTS, JUST A MATTER-OF-FACT, ALMOST INQUISITIVE SORT OF DEMEANOR ABOUT IT, LIKE HE'S JUST AN OBSERVER
ANYWAY HE'S SUPER INTO FOOTBALL SO THE WORLD CUP HAS BEEN A FRESH TORMENT SINCE HE'S GOT ABOUT A DOZEN JOBS (ALL OF WHICH HAVE HIM ON THIN ICE, APPARENTLY) AND HAS TO KEEP CALLING IN SICK TO WATCH THE GAMES. HE WAS HERE NOT THAT LONG AGO (UNUSUALLY EARLY, EVEN FOR HIM), AND WAS TELLING ME ABOUT HOW LAST WEEKEND'S CHOICE SNEAKER PURCHASES HAVE RESULTED IN THE SUMMONING OF A COLLECTION AGENCY BY THE HYDRO COMPANY. HE ALSO MENTIONED THAT A MANAGER OF SORTS DID A WALK-THROUGH OF OUR BUILDING, AND THAT HIS WORK WAS SO SHITTY IN COMPARISON TO THAT OF HIS PEERS (WHO HANDLE DIFFERENT FLOORS), THAT HE WAS NEARLY LET GO ON THE SPOT. THIS MAN THEN WINKED AT ME AND SAID "BUT I WAS TIRED, HUH?" AS THOUGH EVERYTHING WAS UNDER CONTROL. HE THEN LET SLIP THAT HE OWNS TWO CELL PHONES IN A DASHING ATTEMPT TO KEEP HIS CURRENT WIFE AND MISTRESS FROM DISCOVERING EACH OTHER - AN ACTION THAT HAS JEOPARDIZED HIS CREDIT TO THE POINT WHERE HIS ALREADY-SHAKY LOAN APPLICATION WAS DENIED FOR THE $350 USED AUTOMOBILE HE'S SET HIS SIGHTS ON.
HE'S ACROSS THE HALL RIGHT NOW, ACTUALLY, AND I CAN SEE HIM CUTTING CORNERS IN THE EMPTY OFFICE OPPOSITE MINE, SPORTING SOME FANCY NEW RACING GLOVES OR SOME HORSESHIT, AND DESPITE ALL THIS THE ONLY THING I'M CERTAIN OF IS THAT THIS LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS IS A NATIONAL TREASURE.
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posted by Bulgaroktonos at 8:39 AM on November 21, 2012 [2 favorites]