no more condom odour on your hands

December 4, 2012 2:57 AM

"The condom was invented almost 100 years ago and very little has been done to make its use easier or more pleasant. " No longer. "Two engineers from Delft, Paul Breur and Adnan Tunović, have finally solved decades of issues that men have had with using condoms. " A handy demonstration video is available at the link.
posted by MartinWisse (127 comments total)

N.B. the TU Delft used to have the largest collection of porn available on the web back in the early nineties, but that's a complete coincidence
posted by MartinWisse at 3:00 AM on December 4, 2012

Only comes in one size - that rules me out. I have several sizes.
posted by the noob at 3:06 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone. Can someone solve that problem, preferably by curing all STDs and developing 100% effective birth control for men and women?
posted by crayz at 3:13 AM on December 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone.

Seems more like a job for a dental dam.
posted by Mezentian at 3:15 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

Cf. previous work by van Rensburg, 2011 and Grove Medical, LLC, 2009. [MLYT]
posted by narain at 3:22 AM on December 4, 2012

From Delft, I was expecting something in blue and white ceramic.
posted by three blind mice at 3:23 AM on December 4, 2012 [19 favorites]

Could it be that the two engineers were students before, and did invent the same device for the first time in 2006? German Spiegel's archive seems to state just this.
posted by megob at 3:24 AM on December 4, 2012

Now, this is the kind of research I could support being funded with my tax dollars. But noooo - my money goes to little airplanes that kill people and shit like that. My nation's priorities are seriously fucked up.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:26 AM on December 4, 2012 [31 favorites]

A handy demonstration

Oh, you.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:34 AM on December 4, 2012 [14 favorites]

The good, from a sexual health perspective:
• looks like it's easy to figure out which is right-side-up, which can be tricky otherwise.
• If it increases condom use, yay!

The bad:
• I would be concerned about the tip. Ideally you want a space at the tip of the condom that is devoid of air so that there's a place for the ejaculate to go. Otherwise it can gloop* out the sides of the condom at the bottom.
• Has anyone tested whether that (seemingly?) hard plastic applicator (for lack of a better term) increases condom rips? Also, I'd be concerned about penis scratches or minor wounds from that applicator.


*scientific term
posted by Stewriffic at 3:48 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

It still took two hands to get it out of the package. The rest of the one-handed movement wasn't all that hard to pull off to begin with.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:13 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

...now they just need to combine it with that condom wrapper you can open one-handed.
posted by percor at 4:13 AM on December 4, 2012

This one
posted by percor at 4:13 AM on December 4, 2012

"Residual odor on the hands" is not the biggest issue I've heard men say that they have with condoms.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:15 AM on December 4, 2012 [17 favorites]

This one

The wrapper is intentionally hard to pierce because a dried-out condom is a worthless one. The perforations on the one-handed wrapper defeat the purpose of the wrapper.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 4:17 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

+10 points for the logo.
posted by kprincehouse at 4:20 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

...now they just need to combine it with that condom wrapper you can open one-handed.

My friend says that's what teeth are for.
posted by Mezentian at 4:23 AM on December 4, 2012

Wearing a condom is like wrapping a plastic bag around my tongue before kissing someone.

No, it isn't. Wrapping a plastic bag around your tongue is way, way more kinky.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:54 AM on December 4, 2012 [13 favorites]

My problem with condoms is that it doesn't feel manly enough to just tear a dinky little package open and unroll a funny balloon onto myself. I'd like a condom that requires at least an adjustable wrench and preferably an impact driver to "install" on my "parts".
posted by orme at 5:00 AM on December 4, 2012 [27 favorites]

it doesn't feel manly enough to just tear a dinky little package open

Ideally, there would be a tiny Acme-style TNT plunger, a coil of wire and an Earth-shattering kaboom.
posted by DU at 5:02 AM on December 4, 2012 [23 favorites]

"Residual odor on the hands" is not the biggest issue I've heard men say that they have with condoms,

But it's probably the only really addressable problem. The necessity of being a durable barrier to fluids that completely covers your willie is something of an irreducible design requirement.
posted by three blind mice at 5:04 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly.
posted by emjaybee at 5:05 AM on December 4, 2012 [20 favorites]

This will work well on my 10-inch rigid lucite penis.
posted by etc. at 5:07 AM on December 4, 2012 [34 favorites]

Once upon a time Wifey (before she was wifey) as a hoot gave me a pack of these condoms that have had a speed applicator since 2002. They're not as easy as you might think (hopefully this isn't TMI but my penis isn't a smooth Pyrex shaft); also a South African inventor claims he found the best solution, and Sensis has been offering it for three or four years now too. A google search for "world fastest condom" gets a bunch of competitors including instructional videos of varying worksafeness.

So, really, the Delft guys are actually part of a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades: the goal is that, one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly.

After posting: dammit, etc., you stole my joke
posted by AzraelBrown at 5:08 AM on December 4, 2012 [6 favorites]

What if it comes with little images of sparkles and balloons? That's pretty manly right guys?
posted by shakespeherian at 5:09 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly.

You know, Steve, I really think you're a great guy. Would you like to come upstairs?

Sure thing!
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 5:16 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Guys, we're really going about the totally backwards. Condom fumbling time adds valuable seconds to the sexual experience. Hide that shit in a complicated puzzle box (preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell) and then let's hear her complain about it being too quick.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:21 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Design suggestion: When the applicator gets pulled off, a tiny red cape unfurls from the base of the condom and tiny trumpets play. Then a recording of Brian Blessed screaming GOD AND KING RICHARD!!!!!

Because I am tired of doing that manually.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:34 AM on December 4, 2012 [61 favorites]

Hide that shit in a complicated puzzle box

Aka sex
posted by nathancaswell at 5:35 AM on December 4, 2012 [17 favorites]

one day, you'll be on a date, things will start getting hot, and then -- *pop* a condom suddenly appears on your penis moments before your fingers can unzip your fly.

Seems like you need The Great Gazoo.
posted by Mezentian at 5:36 AM on December 4, 2012

and then let's hear her complain about it being too quick.

And yet another thread where people inadvertently reveal too much of themselves.
posted by shakespeherian at 5:38 AM on December 4, 2012 [18 favorites]

For me, the problem isn't the application, but the smell. Nothing quite sexies up the situation like the faint medicinal odor on your fingers of latex and spermicide, giving your hands and your lover's hair the alluring scent of a free clinic in downtown Philly. Bring me the non-toxic scented condoms of patchoulli, frankincense, maybe even barbeque sauce. Anything but the waiting room smell.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:40 AM on December 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

etc. - so you have one of these or one of these?

Heck, maybe you have a six pack of each. Unless you're in Texas, obviously.
posted by plinth at 5:43 AM on December 4, 2012

I guess what I'm saying is this design seems like putting racing stripes on a horse-drawn carriage; the odor itself should be addressed rather than making various plastic applicators for putting it on.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:45 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like a new car? Would you like it then?

Or maybe they could take a tip from the Book-Candle people and make the condoms smell like paper-leather-wood.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:46 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened.

And by "best sort of applicator" I mean "one that I would personally find the most amusing".
posted by elizardbits at 5:54 AM on December 4, 2012 [31 favorites]

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like a new car? Would you like it then?

Nothing says sexy times quite like the word "offgassing."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 5:55 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: " the alluring scent of a free clinic in downtown Philly"

HEY LEAVE MY CLINIC OUT OF YOUR WEIRD SEX GAMES
posted by The White Hat at 5:55 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

Kirth Gerson: "Now, this is the kind of research I could support being funded with my tax dollars. But noooo - my money goes to little airplanes that kill people and shit like that. My nation's priorities are seriously fucked up."

Here's your solution: dronedoms. Little flying jimmies that heat seek, lock on and wrap at the key moment.

Dronedoms: Protecting Americans Since 2012
posted by chavenet at 5:58 AM on December 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

Awkward for dudes trying to talk down unexpected boners at like, the library, for instance. A whirring rubber menace zooms in through the window and attacks their groin!

ok this is the best thing ever
posted by elizardbits at 6:01 AM on December 4, 2012 [14 favorites]

(preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell)

Don't knock it till you've tried it.
posted by kmz at 6:02 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

The condom was invented almost 100 years ago...

you kids think you invented sex?
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 6:02 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

The ideal applicator is obviously a giant chandelier hanging above the bed. By pulling a red velvet cord beside the bed, the chandelier lights up, and lowers slowly down upon the hips area while playing O Fortuna, sliding the condom into place.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:03 AM on December 4, 2012 [10 favorites]

You don't need a hard plastic applicator that might gouge your manhood. Enlist your partner to help you with the "no hands" application method!
posted by double block and bleed at 6:05 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

METAFILTER: will work well on my 10-inch rigid lucite penis
posted by liza at 6:05 AM on December 4, 2012

Are you crazy? People have been killed by falling chandeliers over beds, especially when not well hung.
posted by de at 6:06 AM on December 4, 2012 [7 favorites]

Anyone else see that second hand being used to open the wrapper?
posted by J.W. at 6:10 AM on December 4, 2012

What about a tiny cork in the end? Has there been any tiny cork research?

i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion, i don't think that's so much to ask
posted by elizardbits at 6:14 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

So, really, the Delft guys are actually part of a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades...

And it's a cold war that the USA is LOSING! I'm going to write my Congresscreature and tell him to get some funding to chavenet's awesome concept ASAP.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:16 AM on December 4, 2012

People have been killed by falling chandeliers over beds, especially when not well hung.

I see what you did there.
posted by double block and bleed at 6:21 AM on December 4, 2012

What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly.
posted by emjaybee at 8:05 AM

For true realism, my condom should play this sound.
posted by orme at 6:21 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion...

Sorry, but that noise is in part a function of the size of the cork. I do not think you'll find too many men who'd enjoy having a champagne-size cork inserted in their urethra, and even fewer who'd be in any shape to have sex after that.

Also - yeah, new-car smell nowadays is all about plastic outgassing. My wife bought a new Camry a couple of months ago, and it's damned-near intolerable. Maybe new Cadillacs and Mercedeses smell better.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:23 AM on December 4, 2012

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust.
posted by elizardbits at 6:23 AM on December 4, 2012 [11 favorites]

Because I am tired of doing that manually.
posted by middleclasstool

Eponysterical!
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 6:24 AM on December 4, 2012

Aren't most Dutch guys uncut? Condom instructions always seem to ignore the foreskin.
posted by sevenyearlurk at 6:27 AM on December 4, 2012

I'm still waiting for the spray-on condom, like those truck bed liners. Peeling it off would also make for a nice post-coital activity, like when you used to peel dried Elmer's Glue from your fingers.
posted by bondcliff at 6:37 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

emjaybee: "What if the applicator made that noise that the air drill makes when they put on lug nuts t the tire shop? That's pretty manly."

For a full sensory experience...
posted by symbioid at 6:38 AM on December 4, 2012

Aren't most Dutch guys uncut? Condom instructions always seem to ignore the foreskin.
Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin
2: Microwave for 30s
posted by MangyCarface at 6:39 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

Iceman: You can be my Wingman^TM any time.
Maverick: Bullshit! You can be mine.
posted by Kabanos at 6:51 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin
2: Microwave for 30s

You lost me at step 1; step 2, however, raises some intriguing possibilities.
posted by Forktine at 6:51 AM on December 4, 2012

Step 1: Carefully remove foreskin
2: Microwave for 30s

I just had an involuntary full body shudder.
posted by kmz at 6:55 AM on December 4, 2012

I'd have to say it depends on who the subject of Step 1 is. It isn't going to be me, for several very good reasons.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:58 AM on December 4, 2012

2: Microwave for 30s

Peel back foil to expose tater tots
posted by elizardbits at 7:00 AM on December 4, 2012 [10 favorites]

Should have called it Delft Manoeuvre.
posted by Kabanos at 7:02 AM on December 4, 2012

Design suggestion: When the applicator gets pulled off, a tiny red cape unfurls from the base of the condom....

Try this.

Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened.

I would be so down with this I would install one in my own house and I'm a woman.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:23 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

My first thought was frat boys wearing necklaces made of linked condom wings, possibly interspersed with puka shells.
posted by Beardman at 7:25 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: a cold war of condom applicators that has been going on for decades.
posted by windykites at 7:26 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Assuming some sort of lubrication would be required, I think there would be a nonzero number of men who would soon prefer only to spend time with their ensheathenators.
posted by elizardbits at 7:26 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

They lost me at "The condom was invented almost 100 years ago".
posted by radwolf76 at 7:30 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

A rubber that self-applicates
Is not exactly intricate
But safety pins and bassinets
Await those who can't fastenet.
posted by The White Hat at 7:32 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah I know plastic is not a great smell but what if it smelled like a new car bacon? Would you like it then?

FTFY
posted by bricksNmortar at 7:36 AM on December 4, 2012

Advanced Sex Technique: The Consummate Lover

Step 1: Go to bathroom, secretly put on condom...
posted by Winnemac at 7:44 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Just so we don't think condom innovation has been a desert for, ahem, 100 years since its invention. Polyurithane and female condoms are both fantastic.

Also, inflating them with helium and a little whipped cream is delightful.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:55 AM on December 4, 2012

What if it comes with little images of sparkles and balloons? That's pretty manly right guys?

Bring on the My Little Pony themed (branded?) condoms. Do it now!
posted by Pudhoho at 8:08 AM on December 4, 2012

So just yesterday I subsitute-taught a freshman (HS) health class. They had a short video on birth control methods. Many of the students were recent immigrant kids from socially conservative countries; their English is fine, but keep in mind there are a lot of hijabs here, a lot of social naivete...

...and then the video demonstrated how to put on a condom. They didn't use a banana. They didn't use a paper towel rod. No, they had a realistically-shaped model that was bigger than a 6-D-cell Maglite.

These poor kids were HORRIFIED. And here I am, more or less a complete stranger, wanting to laugh out loud and tell the kids no, that's not realistic... I mean the girls just had this look of fear in their eyes, and several of the boys were clearly shocked, too, because this is an educational film and so this should all be accurate and that's what an average penis looks like, right? Only I can't, 'cause I'm a sub, and these kids are all strangers, and once this conversation starts it'll be the hardest thing ever to control and next thing you know I'll be on Fox News as the horrible teacher of the week...

...argh.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:15 AM on December 4, 2012 [20 favorites]

These poor kids were HORRIFIED... I mean the girls just had this look of fear in their eyes, and several of the boys were clearly shocked, too

It sounds like someone might have actually come up with a way for teaching abstinence that is actually effective, at least for a while. Although I bet there is a risk of rebound promiscuity once the kids figure out the truth.
posted by TedW at 8:19 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Pudhoho: "Bring on the My Little Pony themed (branded?) condoms. Do it now!"

All out of those, would Hello Kitty do?
posted by radwolf76 at 8:21 AM on December 4, 2012

It sounds like someone might have actually come up with a way for teaching abstinence that is actually effective, at least for a while.

I doubt it. Honestly, it was just a badly-made video. It had some good info, but many of the video production choices just sucked. White lighting washed out a lot of the picture in the "demonstration" phases (with OB-GYNs holding up props), the narrator sat on a set that was so strange it was a little distracting, the sound quality was bad... I chalk the frighteningly big prop up to this other string of bad audio/visual decisions, really. :/
posted by scaryblackdeath at 8:33 AM on December 4, 2012

Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened.

There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first.
posted by Forktine at 8:42 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Scaryblackdeath, you've reminded me of one of my favorite stories about one of my best friends.

There was an exchange student from Japan at my high school my junior year, and for whatever reason he ended up hanging about all of us drama club/band geeks. (He actually out-weirded all of us, so we dug him.) He'd sit with all of us at lunch, and we'd all be talking away - and every so often, Miki would overhear an English word that he didn't know, and would interrupt us to ask, "excuse me please - what is [schmeh]?" And we'd explain, and he'd nod and say okay and we'd go on.

One day -- I don't know how it started - a couple of us were in a back-and-forth teasing war about condom shopping, and right in the middle of the gasps and squeals and scandalized/titillated giggling, sure enough, up piped Miki - "excuse me please - what is 'condom'?"

And we all fell absolutely silent, all looking at each other waiting to see who was going to fall on this grenade. "Uh....'rubber'? You know?" One kid ventured. Miki shook his head -- he hadn't heard of that. "...'Prophylactic'?" Someone else said. Miki shook his head again. We all fell silent again. I thought to ask Miki for his Japanese/English dictionary - and everyone leaned in towards me while I flipped through it,, looking. But - "It isn't in here," I told everyone. We all fell silent again, Miki looking at us all, getting a little uneasy.

Then my friend Sue started giggling. "Okay, Miki? Watch me." She took a juice box she had with her lunch, and pulled the straw off the back. She carefully undid one end of the wrapper, and then laid the box, the unwrapped straw, and the wrapper all in a row. "This is the boy," she said, pointing to the straw. Then the box - "this is the girl. And this," she said, pointing to the wrapper, "is the condom. And - this is what you do with it."

And then she put the wrapper back on the straw, and poked the wrapped straw into the hole in the box and pumped it in and out a few times.

Miki flushed quite a bright red and we all burst out into laughter and applause. Miki DEFINITELY got it - he kept giggling and saying "So embarrassing!" for the next several minutes.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:49 AM on December 4, 2012 [17 favorites]

This is the condom for men who are jealous of women and their disposable plastic tampon applicators.

Also maybe I don't understand, but you can only remove the hard plastic bit after the condom is fully unrolled? Congratulations; you've invented a condom that not only fits a single width, but now also only fits a single length. Maybe the Dutch all have standard size penises.
posted by Nelson at 8:55 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

How about a condom you put on from the base up? THINK ABOUT THAT, ENGINEERS.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:59 AM on December 4, 2012

How about a condom you put on from the base up?

Oh god ever since reading this I've been picturing a whole crew of little teeny-tiny construction workers with tools and hardhats building the condom directly onto someone's penis at super-speed and talking in little squeaky voices the whole time.

THESE ARE INCONVENIENT THOUGHTS TO BE HAVING AT WORK
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:12 AM on December 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

elizardbits: i just want to hear the champagne noise upon completion

This seems appropriate.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:14 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I knew a woman who worked for Planned Parenthood in San Jose and did sex ed education routinely for people who hadn't had much of an education to start with. Her way of handling the "my boyfriend says he's too big for a condom" statement was to open condom and apply it to her arm, asking "is he bigger than this?"
posted by plinth at 9:14 AM on December 4, 2012 [14 favorites]

condoms are 5000 years old - source

And I don'k know any man who has physical difficulty putting on a condom.

Perhaps the guys at TU Delft should stick to repairing bicycles ;-) (In joke for the dutchies)
posted by jannw at 9:15 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust.

train whistles for me, but really it comes down to piezo sensors everywhere, all the time, which i've been advocating for years.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 9:19 AM on December 4, 2012

also locomotive-print condoms.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 9:24 AM on December 4, 2012

There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first.

They would have lots of customizable options though like a variety of stimulating lubricants and perhaps a gentle massage of nearby, um, areas.


maybe i should make a kickstarter for this
posted by elizardbits at 9:27 AM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

New priorities, must sell ... this fabulous brick home facilitates lots of accommodation options (3-5 bedrooms), in a great location. Established gardens, off street parking, garage and elevated terrazzo porch introduce main residence featuring large front living room with large open fireplace, big separate kitchen with stainless-steel appliances, incl. dishwasher, bright bathroom with separate toilet, laundry, family room and four ideally zoned bedrooms, three boasting a wall mounted mechanical condom applicator, one with neat ensuite bathroom. Barbecue terrace overlooks private, north-west facing backyard. Rear self-contained flat ideal for in-law, teen retreat or rental purposes claims separate entrance, living room glazed to garden, kitchenette, bedroom with own wall mounted condom applicator, and bathroom. Flokati and chandeliers throughout. A must see.
posted by de at 9:41 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cover two markets with one machine: The Acme2000 Condomator & Cigar Cutter.
posted by Forktine at 9:41 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Indeed, as Wikipedia summarizes, condoms have been around for as long as we've had recorded history, and we can presume, longer.

Not only did the ancient Egyptians have condoms and diaphragms, but among the items they had interred with them in their tombs to make use of in the afterlife were their favorite strap-ons carved from precious woods, mother-of-pearl, ivory and tortoiseshell (You can read a bit about that here.)

That the Egyptians used papyrus condoms, however, seems an urban myth. Which makes sense, because ohhhhh, the paper cuts. . .
posted by DrMew at 9:53 AM on December 4, 2012

That's certainly bound to end well.
posted by Pudhoho at 9:53 AM on December 4, 2012

The idea of a wall-mounted dispenser is giving me severe penis envy. I would invest the hell out of that kickstarter.
posted by Fig at 10:24 AM on December 4, 2012

Oooh!

What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing? You know - so the condom in question has a custom fit to the specific penis?

Yes, gentlemen, I do realize that this idea sounds kind of horrifying and I apologize but seriously it would take care of a lot of problems.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:44 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Congratulations; you've invented a condom that not only fits a single width, but now also only fits a single length. Maybe the Dutch all have standard size penises.

Perhaps they've all already made use of Procrustes Brand Wall-Mounted Ensheatheners.
posted by Copronymus at 10:47 AM on December 4, 2012 [5 favorites]

They have one size available, but will be launching the Wingman in more sizes once it takes off.

I see what they did there.
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:00 AM on December 4, 2012

What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing?

Yes, gentlemen, I do realize that this idea sounds kind of horrifying and I apologize but seriously it would take care of a lot of problems.

Including the problem of having a partner.
posted by Mental Wimp at 11:01 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

From Delft, I was expecting something in blue and white ceramic

Bone china
posted by zippy at 11:15 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Surely the solution is to stick your wang in the hole of a cup dispenser where it's sprayed with truck bedliner and heated briskly? Rock hard if nothing else...
posted by fingerbang at 11:18 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Stick to fingerbanging.
posted by bondcliff at 11:20 AM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Somebody should make putting on a condom like a Gom Jabbar test where guys have to stick their dick into a machine.

Oh, wait, never mind you guys are already talking about it.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:31 AM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Somebody should make putting on a condom like a Gom Jabbar test where guys have to stick their dick into a machine.

I will not think about Wilford Brimley. Wilford Brimley is the stiffy killer. Wilford Brimley is the little detumescence that brings total flaccidity.

(apologies to any who find Mr. Brimley super hot. Here, have some diabeetus-free oatmeal.)
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:40 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is my daily reminder of how wonderful it is to be married and vasectomized.
posted by snottydick at 11:46 AM on December 4, 2012

While I personally think the name is a nice bit of branding, part of my brain is now imagining that somehow in the Netherlands, the word "wingman" got twisted around to mean, "steward of a noble house who applies his master's condom so that master not soil his hands with odor."
posted by Navelgazer at 11:47 AM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is my daily reminder of how wonderful it is to be married and vasectomized.
posted by snottydick at 2:46 PM on December 4 [+] [!]

If only we had a word for when the comment is comically appropriate for the commenter...
posted by Navelgazer at 11:50 AM on December 4, 2012 [8 favorites]

I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. The first time I had reason to buy a box of them I strutted up to the counter with a "I would like to purchase these condoms, please. Damn right they're for me" spring in my step.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:08 PM on December 4, 2012

'Yes sir, to put onto my penis!'
posted by shakespeherian at 12:13 PM on December 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

Forktine: Obviously the best sort of applicator would be a machine mounted to the bedside wall and shaped like a dixie cup dispenser, except instead of condoms coming out, you would stuff your dick in and pull it out ensheathened.

There is no one in the world sufficiently hot enough to induce me to insert my dick into a machine first.

Then step aside, my vanilla friend. You're blocking the perv queue.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:16 PM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

That wasn't the part I was excited about.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:16 PM on December 4, 2012

The Card Cheat: I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing. The first time I had reason to buy a box of them I strutted up to the counter with a "I would like to purchase these condoms, please. Damn right they're for me" spring in my step.

"You... you didn't tell me your father was a pharmacist."

Thank you, folks. Try the veal, tip waitstaff, here all week, etc.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:18 PM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

I'd be concerned about penis scratches...

They'll muff right out.

I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing.

I think the embarrassment lies with the seller rather than the purchaser. I once bought some with a bottle of liquor in my hand from a teenage girl that was maybe 17. She looked nervous, shocked, embarrassed and most likely disgusted. And no, she wasn't my date.

The idea of a wall-mounted dispenser is giving me severe penis envy. I would invest the hell out of that kickstarter.

I imagine the uber rich just have some person show up and put the damn thing on for them. As for a dispenser, would it be advertised like ShamWow or some sort of Ab Exerciser where it shows people who astoundingly can't do the simplest things so let's persuade these utterly incompetent people to somehow pull their credit card from their wallet (there must be a product to help that too) and order something they won't be able to use?
posted by juiceCake at 12:20 PM on December 4, 2012

Oh or also a condom that makes the inception noise with each thrust.

Pardon me! I knew Mexican food was not the right choice for our date.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 12:23 PM on December 4, 2012

As for a dispenser, would it be advertised like ShamWow or some sort of Ab Exerciser

Act now and we'll give you the spiral slicer and The World's Smallest Juicer!
posted by bondcliff at 12:25 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Then step aside, my vanilla friend. You're blocking the perv queue.

There is also no one hot enough in the world to induce me to stand in a queue before inserting my dick into anything.
posted by Forktine at 12:29 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

> I think the embarrassment lies with the seller rather than the purchaser.

That makes sense. At the time I chalked up the awkwardness to the porno magazines, bottle of Old Harper, panty shields, illegal fireworks, and disposable enemas I was also buying.
posted by The Card Cheat at 12:37 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

They saw your lack of duct tape and felt embarrassed for you.
posted by Forktine at 12:38 PM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

'How much plastic sheeting do you carry here?'
posted by shakespeherian at 12:43 PM on December 4, 2012

I am just going to bring up that 55 gallon drum of lube again here because of reasons.
posted by elizardbits at 3:28 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ideally, I'd like to be able to inject a small plastic bead directly into my prostate, where it would settle into place and stop up the valve, but the tech just isn't there yet.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 3:57 PM on December 4, 2012

What if the wall-mounted dispenser worked on the same sort of principle as a vacuum-pack thing?

Like a Seal-a-meal?
posted by zippy at 4:08 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: Reversible inhibition of sperm under guidance is pretty close...
posted by aneel at 5:50 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Wait, people still use hands to put them on?
posted by sonascope at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Like a Seal-a-meal?

Precisely!

Not only is the condom custom-fit, but your erection lasts 30% longer than it would with conventional plastic wrap or in Tupperware. Keep air out and keep freshness in!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:27 PM on December 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

I knew a woman who worked for Planned Parenthood in San Jose and did sex ed education routinely for people who hadn't had much of an education to start with. Her way of handling the "my boyfriend says he's too big for a condom" statement was to open condom and apply it to her arm, asking "is he bigger than this?"

I have female bits. My lover has male bits and was a virgin before I came along. It took us quite a while to figure out that the reason the condom kept coming off during sex was that it was a size too small. Being able to get a condom on doesn't mean it fits.
posted by lover at 7:26 PM on December 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm still waiting for the spray-on condom, like those truck bed liners.

Spray-on condoms.

I never really understood why the experience of buying condoms was supposed to be embarrassing.

Maybe because you have to buy them before you actually get lucky?
posted by hattifattener at 9:19 PM on December 4, 2012

preferably one that doesn't create a bridge to hell

If you're a catholic, all condoms open up the road to hell.
posted by Segundus at 7:12 AM on December 5, 2012