PASSPORT TO FLAVORTOWN

December 16, 2012 2:41 PM

Unable to visit the infamously badly reviewed Guy's American Kitchen & Bar? Never fear, for Metafilter's own mccarty.tim has you covered with a Guy Fieri Menu Item Generator.
posted by The Whelk (76 comments total)

I got "CHINATOWN CAKE: Rougly roasted Cake with tofu."

Don't know if "rougly" is an ingenuous mélange of "rough" and "ugly" or just a typo.

Also, the button is subtly off-center. This creates visual interest.
posted by Nomyte at 2:49 PM on December 16, 2012

If I could be really be served White History Month soup with a live octopus in it, you couldn't keep me away from FLAVORTOWN. This gives Guy way too much credit.
posted by ryanshepard at 2:51 PM on December 16, 2012

Forget it Jake, it's Flavortown.
posted by hellojed at 2:52 PM on December 16, 2012 [25 favorites]

"Awesome" Long Pork
Apathetically killed Long Pork with ranch dressing

99% sure this was in a Transmet issue.
posted by The Whelk at 2:53 PM on December 16, 2012 [7 favorites]

"Down-Home Ortolan
Rougly fried Ortolan with ketchup"

And I foolishly sent my blindfold to the cleaners this week.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:56 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Grilled Bread Pudding
Rougly chilled Bread Pudding with tequila

As long as the tequila is on the side, this doesn't sound terrible... but you never know.
posted by raihan_ at 2:59 PM on December 16, 2012

Chipotle Long Pork
Appathetically frozen Long Pork with ennui

Typo aside, the juxtaposition of "apathetically" and "ennui" seems perfect. Also, although I (thankfully) have no first-person experience, based on tales from the front lines Guy Fieri is one of few people who could make something with chipotle dull and bland.

In conclusion, I suspect this may be a real menu item.
posted by Superplin at 3:02 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

It needs more material. It kept on throwing "hot on the outside, frozen on the inside" and "urban dressing" at me.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:02 PM on December 16, 2012

General Tso's Long Pork
Lovingly shot Long Pork with church lady casserole with the soup mix

Church ladies are generally served in a pie, no?
posted by griphus at 3:02 PM on December 16, 2012

Can I get that with a side of douche?
posted by Strange Interlude at 3:04 PM on December 16, 2012

Good but needs more adverbs:
unabashedly
unctuously
surreptitiously
unnecessarily
flagrantly
invasively
meticulously
quixotically
ignominiously

Those first few are free. 10 cents a word after that.
posted by Telf at 3:04 PM on December 16, 2012 [6 favorites]

Chipotle Ice Cream
Rapidly chewed Ice Cream with LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle)
posted by mrzarquon at 3:06 PM on December 16, 2012

I was going to say that "apathetically" was spelled wrong, but then I saw the original menu.

I didn't know this clown existed.
posted by dunkadunc at 3:07 PM on December 16, 2012

I'll have the adverb-verb-noun-with-noun, please. And the TBD sauce.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 3:10 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Malibu Pork
Rapidly baked Pork with tequila

--hey, this is supposed to be a joke, not a real menu right?
posted by anewnadir at 3:10 PM on December 16, 2012

Guy-talian Beef
Pungently roasted Beef with help me please
posted by Tesseractive at 3:14 PM on December 16, 2012 [6 favorites]

White History Month Donkey-Sauce
Gently chilled Donkey-Sauce with SMC (super melty cheese)

Celebrate White History Month with my people's signature culinary achievement, super melty cheese!
posted by JDHarper at 3:14 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

I wonder how many people here know that Long Pork is human flesh?

See Long Pork and Long Pig on Urban Dictionary.
posted by nertzy at 3:17 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Now we just need a Fieri-themed random RPG tavern generator.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 3:18 PM on December 16, 2012

I'm sure the surviving members of the MeFi Flavortown expedition would appreciate a trigger warning for this post.
posted by dr_dank at 3:22 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Strange Interlude: "Can I get that with a side of douche?"

All tables offer a complimentary basket of douche. Free unlimited refills. It's the Fieri Value Guarantee!
posted by Superplin at 3:24 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Kind of a derail, but while I may never be in the vicinity of a Guy Fieri establishment, I spent a longish period of time incapacitated after an accident once. While the injuries were of course orthopedic, a side-effect of all the antibiotics and other problems was that I got nauseated very easily during my recovery. Naturally, I then watched a number of his shows where he roamed the countryside (Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives)?

So I feel justified in disliking him too.
posted by randomkeystrike at 3:26 PM on December 16, 2012

Crispy Ice Cream
Pungently prepared hot on outside, frozen in center Ice Cream with Donkey Sauce

They actually have this in Flavortown. This satire needs more punch, which reminds me to hide under my bed for another week thinking about the solid mass of horror still growing inside my guts.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 3:27 PM on December 16, 2012

Crispy Chicken
Lightning fastly minced Chicken with help me please

Oh god, what's in the chicken? What's in the chicken? WHAT'S IN THE CHICKEN?!
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 3:27 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

I got Chipotle Fried Custard: Lovingly fried custard with LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion and pickle). Intriguing. I suppose I should be ashamed to admit I'd try this, but savoury custard can be really good! (You'd have to leave off the lettuce though. Too wilty.)

The ortolan and long pig ones made me laugh though.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:30 PM on December 16, 2012

Jeffrey-flavored Ortolan
Decadently fermented Ortolan with whatever looks good around here
posted by yellowbinder at 3:31 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

I humbly request a cocktail generator also. Because "guy fieri cocktail" has become one of my new least favorite things
posted by Rory Marinich at 3:32 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

California Bread Pudding
Gently sat on Bread Pudding with sweet tears
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:33 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Eventually Guy Fieri bashing will be considered a beaten horse by Mefites, and I will be very sad.

Today is not that day and I am thankful. Elsewhere there is an argument over 2012 being the best year, and though I would personally disagree, all Fieri-related discussions are solidly in the "pro" column.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:34 PM on December 16, 2012

It kept on throwing "hot on the outside, frozen on the inside" and "urban dressing" at me.

I think that happens at the restaurant too.
posted by scratch at 3:36 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Malibu Romney-Sauce
Sensibly frozen Romney-Sauce with sweet tears

Malibu Romney would probably be the least popular doll at the beach.
posted by topoisomerase at 3:37 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

Sensibly sad balut. Sensibly sad.
posted by scratch at 3:38 PM on December 16, 2012

Help Me Somebody
posted by Nomyte at 3:39 PM on December 16, 2012

"Awesome" Potatoes
Rapidly sat on Potatoes with urban dressing

Haaaaaaaaa!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 3:46 PM on December 16, 2012

Needs more Rumplemintz.
posted by Rock Steady at 3:47 PM on December 16, 2012

Rockstar Sashimi
Pungently sad Sashimi with ranch dressing
posted by desuetude at 3:48 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

Vegan Beef
Sensibly fried Beef with ketchup
posted by The Whelk at 3:49 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Chinatown Shrimp
Gently prepared hot on outside, frozen in center Shrimp with sweet tears

Well, this takes me back to the dubious culinary skills of one of my college roommates.
posted by desuetude at 3:54 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Heh, it's not polished at all.

But if you guys enjoy it, have at it.

Please, for the love of god, do not look at the CSS. Graphic design and getting browsers to behave is not my strong suit.

And yeah, let's pretend all misspellings are due to me not kludging this together ASAP as a joke and because Guy is not that great a TV show host or restaurateur.
posted by mccarty.tim at 3:55 PM on December 16, 2012 [3 favorites]

actual mefites doing actual reportage at the actual kitchen and bar (self link!)
posted by The Whelk at 4:01 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

This reminds me of my hobby of inventing Applebee's or Chili's style appetizer menues:

*Southwestern Mesquite Minestrone Dunkers with Jack Daniels Sauce.
*Slow-Roasted Slammin' Crab Fingers
*Crunchy Chedd'r Soup Bites
*Cajun Corn Sippers
posted by sourwookie at 4:07 PM on December 16, 2012 [4 favorites]

Chinatown Potatoes
Sensibly prepared hot on outside, frozen in center Potatoes with ranch dressing

I think I've had this before.
posted by brundlefly at 4:26 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Buttered Thunder.
Five Fingered Potato Fist.
Drag Strip Sirloin with Crash Sauce.
Uncle Sticky's Pecan Column.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:35 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

General Tso's Salad
Rougly sat on Salad with SMC (super melty cheese)
posted by polymath at 4:36 PM on December 16, 2012

Is hot on the outside, frozen in the center actually a thing? Like, an authentic, delicious thing, somewhere else?
posted by mochapickle at 4:47 PM on December 16, 2012

Roasted Cupcake
Lovingly fried Cupcake with Donkey Sauce

That's a Fieri food truck item if I ever saw one.

Hot on the outside and frozen in the center is OK for certain types of Ruby AppleChili type restaurant desserts. But I can't think of another example in which it would be appropriate.
posted by cobaltnine at 4:51 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Rougly... that's with Rouge, right? Better than putting lipstick on a pig...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:53 PM on December 16, 2012

*South-Of-The-Border Boston Corn Cobbers
*Crispy Thai Chowder Sticks
*Baja Turkey Riblets
posted by sourwookie at 4:55 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is hot on the outside, frozen in the center actually a thing? Like, an authentic, delicious thing, somewhere else?

I assume it's like deliberately ordering your steak black & blue but who knows.
posted by elizardbits at 5:27 PM on December 16, 2012

Grilled Beef
Rougly fermented Beef with ennui.


And how!
posted by loquacious at 5:28 PM on December 16, 2012

I was making fun of places that get their stuff frozen not cooking it properly.

IE: The Stouffer's effect. Actually, it's on Guy's resume.
posted by mccarty.tim at 5:51 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Cajun Donkey-Sauce
Sensibly fried Donkey-Sauce with ketchup

Fried sauce with sauce: totally meta.
posted by sciencegeek at 5:52 PM on December 16, 2012 [2 favorites]

After some googling apparently "FlavourTown" is a bakery in London. How quaint.
posted by hellojed at 6:00 PM on December 16, 2012

mochapickle: Is hot on the outside, frozen in the center actually a thing? Like, an authentic, delicious thing, somewhere else?

though mostly I think the effect is referenced here as a mockery thing, there's a dessert called Baked Alaska which is ice cream atop a sponge cake covered in meringue which is baked juuust long enough for the meringue to set and/or get a little colour. Since both the cake and the meringue insulate the ice cream from the oven's heat, it softens but doesn't melt entirely and if you're doing it right, it's toasty on the outside and chilly in the middle.
posted by heeeraldo at 6:31 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

This sounds nasty:

California Ice Cream
Lovingly chewed Ice Cream with ranch dressing
posted by yellowcandy at 6:45 PM on December 16, 2012

Oh dear..

White History Month Donkey-Sauce
Sensibly chewed Donkey-Sauce with peas

Chewed by who, exactly?
posted by ApathyGirl at 9:37 PM on December 16, 2012

Food like this is only possible because Americans don't know what real food tastes like, and have forgotten how to cook.
posted by dunkadunc at 9:41 PM on December 16, 2012

Malibu Ortolan.
posted by La Cieca at 9:56 PM on December 16, 2012

mochapickle: Hot fudge sundae?
posted by La Cieca at 9:57 PM on December 16, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is decadently sad beef like an À rebours thing?
posted by The Whelk at 10:42 PM on December 16, 2012

California Donkey-Sauce
Gently minced Donkey-Sauce with scooby snacks (pot brownie)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
posted by ApathyGirl at 11:15 PM on December 16, 2012

Chicken-fried douche-basket with Donkey Sauce.
posted by Pudhoho at 1:59 AM on December 17, 2012

Grilled Sashimi
Gently chewed Sashimi with whatever looks good around here

Another "I think I've had this before, somewhere".
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:50 AM on December 17, 2012

White History Month Fries
Pungently sad Fries with fries

"You want fries with that?"
posted by Skot at 4:07 AM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

My chicken was sad. Now I am, too.
posted by tommasz at 5:17 AM on December 17, 2012

Guy-talian Ice Cream
Decadently sad Ice Cream with ranch dressing
posted by slogger at 8:06 AM on December 17, 2012

Also, I love the somewhat-random capitalization.
posted by slogger at 8:07 AM on December 17, 2012

Scripts Currently Forbidden | <SCRIPT>: 3 | <OBJECT>: 0

Adblock FTW.
posted by disconnect at 8:11 AM on December 17, 2012

Is hot on the outside, frozen in the center actually a thing?

One Christmas, for dessert I deep fried icecream. Plain vanilla icecream in scoops, coated with coconut crust, dipped in very hot oil for less than twenty seconds. Works very well, as you get a nice tasty crisp outside and a part melted inner.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:25 AM on December 17, 2012

Food like this is only possible because Americans don't know what real food tastes like, and have forgotten how to cook.

You sir are incorrect. Food like this is possible because FREEDOM.
posted by srboisvert at 9:43 AM on December 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

Guy Fieri has done a lot of good for Minneapolis, where I live. His show is produced here, and they visit a lot of local hole-in-the-wall establishments and promote the heck out of them. Minneapolis has an OK restaurant scene (larger per capita than any city other than NYC actually), but of course it's nationally known as the home of Applebees and hotdish and other bland Midwestern stuff. So anyone who's publicizing good restaurants around here is really a big help.

But then he has to go to Manhattan and open a bland Midwestern restaurant -- and vastly overpriced too! That's just embarrassing.
posted by miyabo at 10:18 AM on December 17, 2012

Roasted Romney-Sauce
Rougly chewed Romney-Sauce with Sauce (to be determined)

to be determined makes it so much more ....sinister.
posted by The Whelk at 10:28 AM on December 17, 2012

Because I'm a nerd I started thinking about this after Mister A's comment.

The way to take it to another level might be to gamify it and have two options, one of which is a real menu item, then have users choose which one they think is real. Use this feedback to build a learning algorithm optimising the correlations between the different components (e.g. adverbs and ingredients). The final output would be a set of dishes which aren't on the menu, but are highly believable/"appropriate."

Also I like thinking about ideas other people can implement, because I'm a lazy nerd.
posted by Erberus at 11:32 AM on December 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Morgan's Sashimi
Decadently minced Sashimi with poblano peppers

This... this could work...
posted by owtytrof at 2:22 PM on December 17, 2012

I uploaded a minor increase in the wordlist. I might make a better refinement later.

I'll call it "pushing a revision," as that sounds cooler.
posted by mccarty.tim at 4:35 PM on December 17, 2012

Vegan All the liquor we could find
Lightning fastly fermented All the liquor we could find with ketchup

the only real recipe you need.
posted by The Whelk at 2:18 PM on December 19, 2012 [1 favorite]