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7 Reasons Getting A Kitten Is Awesome And Also Terrible
November 15, 2013 5:53 AM   Subscribe

'I can't sleep comfortably anymore, because she requires the exact center of the bed, meaning I have anywhere between 1-3 limbs dangling off the edge of the bed. Sometimes while she sleeps, in order to make myself feel better, I whisper to her, "I saved your life, I can take it away."'

Other cat-related gems from Adam Ellis' Books of Adam:

Tiny Hats on Cats "Pepper was feeling left out. She ate the tiara afterwards. Rude."
Two Stupid Cats "Pet ownership is a lot like being a parent, except your child never grows up past age 2, they eat birds, and they poop in boxes."
Devious Kitten "I figure kittens have three modes of existence: hungry, sleepy, and violent."

And some non-kitty ones:

I Want Candy "I was a lanky twig-child, but deep down inside me, a fat, greedy bastard has always resided."
Garbage Mouth "After researching some pricy and unneeded dental plans, I figured the best course of action would be to wait for an appropriate Groupon to come available"
Terminal Illness "My flight left! I slept through boarding! I have to live in Minneapolis now!"
Hipster Battle "He flipped his hair out of his face, cocked his head at me, and asked me what I planned to do about it. He stepped closer to me, and I narrowed my eyes at him. A Hipster Battle had been engaged."

From Buzzfeed:

The One Word You Need To Survive In Any Country
This Japanese Girl Is Learning English By Writing Short Stories About Popular Memes
Pokémon As Described By Someone Who’s Never Watched Pokémon
posted by billiebee (62 comments total) 45 users marked this as a favorite

 
Thanks to nadawi for this comment which alerted me to the Books of Adam!
posted by billiebee at 5:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Just pick up the kitten and move it. That's what the momma cat does.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:58 AM on November 15, 2013 [10 favorites]


Aw, kitten.
posted by Artw at 5:59 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


him holding the treats while the cat dances made me ugly laugh until i cried the first time i saw it. so, so true in my house.
posted by nadawi at 5:59 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


This is doing NOTHING to help my Kitten Fever.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:03 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


whatever you do, The Underpants Monster, DON'T follow him on instagram. i have a shithead cat and it still makes me think "hmmm, maybe i need a 3 legged kitten who likes to wear jaunty hats..."
posted by nadawi at 6:05 AM on November 15, 2013


I am afraid that my kitten will never want to wear a hat. I was briefly tempted by a sailor outfit in the Halloween display at PetCo, but a friend wisely shook their head and said "that way lies madness." So I have refrained.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Wait. Somewhere you can order crab rangoon....by the bucket?
posted by sourwookie at 6:21 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


'I can't sleep comfortably anymore, because she requires the exact center of the bed, meaning I have anywhere between 1-3 limbs dangling off the edge of the bed. Sometimes while she sleeps, in order to make myself feel better, I whisper to her, "I saved your life, I can take it away."'

Guess who is not the alpha the cat!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:25 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


"Pet ownership is a lot like being a parent, except your child never grows up past age 2, they eat birds, and they poop in boxes."

If you're lucky.

My older cat recently started pooping in the corner of the room instead. Right in front of the closet door, behind which my clean clothes AND the supplies for cleaning up cat messes are stored.

Vet appointment is for tomorrow because sometimes that's a sign of a serious health problem, but still. She has found a way to make herself more annoying than her evil adopted half-grown brother whose nickname is Destroyer Of Worlds.
posted by Foosnark at 6:33 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


[this is good]
posted by ColdChef at 6:39 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


We tried having a cat even though my husband and step-daughter are asthmatic and allergic. When our cat died we were devastated, but we decided, no more cats. So now I'm one of those cat ladies who only gets her fix on the internet or at friends' houses. I sometimes stop by PetCo just to play with the kittens.

TL; DR: Maxwell in the fez is the best thing I've ever seen. Nice post!
posted by polly_dactyl at 6:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I totally filled up my phone with pictures and videos of my puppy. I actually took music off of my phone so I didn't have to take off any pictures of the dog.
posted by phunniemee at 6:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [12 favorites]


The other day, Mr. Herbie spent a half hour meowing at himself in the mirror, and my partner and I spent a half hour documenting it and laughing at him.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:49 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Ah, cats. Someone should write a scholarly article on the phenomenon of the Idiot Cat/Murder Cat dichotomy. We have a similar household (and our evil cat is even black - way to reinforce the stereotype, cat), but the thing that drives me the most nuts is that all the bad behavior seems to be done for our benefit.

We have a window into our living room right by the front door, so when I get home from work I'll quietly sneak up to the door and peer in to the window. Nine times out of ten both cats are peacefully asleep on the couch together. As soon as I open the door, though, Murder Cat hulks out. Stupid Cat cries for dinner and then hides under the bed for the rest of the night.

Stupid cat recently had a health emergency and we had to take him to the emergency room. He literally shat on me while I was trying to put him in the cat carrier. We had already been given a four-figure bill for this particular problem when the vet said, "And let's talk about his heart murmur..." He spent two days in the hospital and saw more specialists than I have ever seen in my life. The total cost for his stay is definitely in my Top Ten list of large cash outlays. They had to shave so many parts of him for ultrasounds and IVs he looks like he got in a fight with a thresher. On the way home after I picked him up I was wondering why on earth we would spend so much money on a cat.

And when we got home I plopped him in my lap on the couch. He fell asleep on my chest. I guess it was worth it.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:50 AM on November 15, 2013 [18 favorites]


I got to "I can't sleep comfortably anymore because she requires..." and immediately knew this was about cats.

I met a three-legged cat last weekend! At first I thought he was a dog, then I thought he was a tiny mountain lion, but he was a cat and he crossed the street to say hi to me. I think I'd like a three-legged cat because they have twenty-five percent fewer claws to trim.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:54 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


50 percent fewer claws to trim by my reckoning. It's the front claws they kneed with and ruin the furniture with. I let mine keep their back claws to defend against the other cats.
posted by wotsac at 7:00 AM on November 15, 2013


I got to "I can't sleep comfortably anymore because she requires..." and immediately knew this was about cats.

There's something about cat ownership that makes people forget they're on the top of the food chain. I suspect it's the relentless whispering of the brain parasites.
posted by mhoye at 7:02 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


I wish I was more blinded by "aww kittens," but Ellis' insufferableness manages to shine through for me.

(An entire illustrated essay about how much better he is than people who dance at shows and have fat girlfriends? Really?)
posted by Pwoink at 7:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [8 favorites]


50 percent fewer claws to trim by my reckoning. It's the front claws they kneed with and ruin the furniture with. I let mine keep their back claws to defend against the other cats.

Uh-oh, now you've done it...prepare for the hellstorm!
posted by briank at 7:12 AM on November 15, 2013


I suspect it's the relentless whispering of the brain parasites.

Cats: can't live with 'em, can't cure toxoplasmosis.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've seen tiny little three-legged kittens who are learning to run with their little tripods and it's adorable. If it's a back leg, it's not that inconvenient. Harder if it's a front leg, because then it's hard for them to land when they jump.
posted by jeather at 7:19 AM on November 15, 2013


Just pick up the kitten and move it. That's what the momma cat does.


This. If you continue to treat your adopted, had-a-pretty-tough-first-couple-of-months-before-meeting-you kittens like they are delicate fragile flowers, they will continue to run the place for as long as you let them.

(We're going on almost 6+ years.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:28 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


(An entire illustrated essay about how much better he is than people who dance at shows and have fat girlfriends? Really?)

Ugh, yeah, the repeated emphasis on what the girlfriend looks like is really distasteful.
posted by likeatoaster at 7:43 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


i dunno, my take away from that strip is BEARD LASERS!
posted by nadawi at 7:46 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


but Ellis' insufferableness manages to shine through


Yup. I flipped through these, realising that I was reading for the first time the work of a writer/illustrator who aspires to be The Oatmeal.
posted by ominous_paws at 7:48 AM on November 15, 2013 [4 favorites]


Our three beasts also have set sleeping positions. Our little black shelter kitty will usually sleep on the office chair in the hallway that we've been trying to get rid of for months AND NOW CAN NEVER GIVE AWAY BECAUSE IT IS CAT SLEEPING PERCH KTHXBYE, but she'll sometimes come in and purr on top of us for half an hour or so. The boys divide the bed evenly--the Russian Blue at our feet, and the huge goofy Balinese on Mrs. Example's pillow between her head and the headboard. (I don't exaggerate by much when I say he's huge...he's almost three feet long from tip to tail.)

Also, we didn't actually set out to get recognizable breeds of cat; we got the boys from a couple who sadly had to give them away because their little boy was very badly asthmatic. I still feel kind of bad about taking their cats.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:49 AM on November 15, 2013


Cats are creatures of habit. Reinforce positive behavior and discourage negative behavior and you'll have a much better experience with your pet.

If you never give a cat human food and squirt it with water when it gets particularly obnoxious about wanting some it will stop begging. It will still remind you when it's time for cat food but it won't bug you for yours.

If she scratches the rug or a sofa put a cat scratcher providing a similar experience (horizontal or vertical depending on how she scratches), praise her when she uses it, spray her when she uses the rug or sofa.

And yes, if you don't like where he is move him. Our cat learned that the middle of the bed is for people so she sleeps on my feet instead. I get warms, she gets warms, everyone's happy.
posted by Blue Meanie at 7:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


In the spirit of Cat Love, I give to you....Shepherd and I's Derpy Cat (aka Moxie Parker).
posted by Kitteh at 7:56 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


lol my cat cries for baths and when you spray him straight in the face with a kitchen sprayer he just stares at you dumbly and starts licking himself off. no amount of water squirting is a deterrent. the hand vac can be used to influence his behavior, but that leads to soft stools on the bathroom floor the next morning. he also only uses his scratching posts when we're looking at him and he wants to show his displeasure. otherwise, it's the carpet or couch or tattered briefcase - no amount of showing him the posts or rubbing cat nip or shrimp dust in them helps.
posted by nadawi at 7:57 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


shrimp dust

Is this a thing? Why is this a thing? This is too horrible to imagine.
posted by elizardbits at 7:59 AM on November 15, 2013


dried shrimps that we grind into dust sometimes.
posted by nadawi at 8:04 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I think we lucked out in the cat behaviour stakes. Arcticcat may sing opera but he's social and well behaved. That said, he did jump on the bed last night, sprawl sideways between his mother and me so he could get 2 lots of belly rubs and proceeded to lash me in the face with his tail.
posted by arcticseal at 8:13 AM on November 15, 2013


This was great. Thank you for posting it...gonna need to read the rest of your links.

Also, from the article:

It reminds me of the time in fourth grade when I had to give a speech and I chose to talk about Sailor Moon and I went over the allotted 10 minutes but I didn't want to stop talking because I had barely started explaining Sailor Saturn's seizures, and I really wanted to tell everyone about how she gets possessed by Mistress 9, but Mrs. Hawk said I needed to wrap it up, and I was so mad that I didn't even get to touch on the Dead Moon Circus, and...

I really kind of love this guy. (In a completely platonic manner, of course.)
posted by anthy at 8:13 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


My cats have learned to sleep around me because having me accidentally roll on top of them is not their thing...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 8:15 AM on November 15, 2013


'I can't sleep comfortably anymore, because she requires the exact center of the bed, meaning I have anywhere between 1-3 limbs dangling off the edge of the bed

This also applies to a girlfriend.
posted by T.D. Strange at 8:17 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


What about the way having a cat makes your place smell like cat piss?
posted by ReeMonster at 8:52 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Kittens are great but I'd rather adopt a grown cat because unfortunately (just like with people) the older specimens are less likely to be adopted than the younger ones.
posted by Apocryphon at 8:53 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I let my cats keep their back claws UNTRIMMED briank. I'm not a monster.
posted by wotsac at 9:03 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


I showed this to my cat and he immediately started shredding the construction paper. Guess he doesn't like hats.
posted by snickerdoodle at 9:13 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


Crab ragoon is a lie. It contains neither crab, nor rag, nor goon.

It's just deep fried cream cheese and despair.
posted by eriko at 9:18 AM on November 15, 2013


Uh-oh, now you've done it...prepare for the hellstorm!

Metafilter (rightfully) has a problem with people surgically de-clawing their cats. I doubt anyone has a problem with trimming their claws.
posted by Thoughtcrime at 9:19 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


All y'all talking about your cute cats need to make with the pictures already.
posted by MartinWisse at 9:40 AM on November 15, 2013


pictures of cats, you say? well take your pick - currently or as a kitten, or wearing a couple of hats or playing in the bath (scroll down one pic).

...no, we don't have any kids, why do you ask?
posted by nadawi at 10:01 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


My last cat died three months ago (aged 19, of a stroke).

I am about to go kitten-hunting tomorrow. (With a catnip mousie and a forever home -- what did you think I meant?)

(I am open to older/rescue cats, but we need 100% indoor felines which tends to rule out most rescues ...)

This 'toon didn't do anything to deter me.
posted by cstross at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


Upgrade to a King-Size bed. You can get a whole squadron of cats in there.
posted by blue_beetle at 10:11 AM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


we had sumosacs before we got captain shitpaws and he has claimed one (the bigger one) as his bed, his $300 cat bed.
posted by nadawi at 10:14 AM on November 15, 2013 [2 favorites]


Loved the pink fez.
Tiny Hats? I think one is a facinator.
posted by manoffewwords at 10:14 AM on November 15, 2013


captain shitpaws

I... I just do not have words for how great this is
posted by ominous_paws at 10:24 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


Reinforce positive behavior and discourage negative behavior and you'll have a much better experience with your pet.

Cats are more devious than that. They simply learn how to avoid punishment... or make your attempt to punish them into a game.

At 2:30 AM.

And then again, about 3 minutes after you've fallen asleep.
posted by Foosnark at 10:59 AM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


Foosnark: the best game for kittens to play with is BED MICE!!!1!!ELEVENTY!!!

You know, bed mice? The ten little pink mousies that come in bunches of five and peep out from under one end of the bedding? Great for pouncing on and biting at 4am!
posted by cstross at 11:18 AM on November 15, 2013 [5 favorites]


I misread your comment wotsac, no worries.
posted by briank at 11:32 AM on November 15, 2013


The ten little pink mousies that come in bunches of five and peep out from under one end of the bedding?

Oh, my soot sprite. She does this. Last night we had a huge, 3-hour-long thunder-rain-hail-sleet-snow-lightning-storm. Miss Susu is accustomed to patiently waiting for my Second Awakening, which she knows comes a few minutes after a groggy First Awakening (what we humans call "hitting the snooze button"). Once Second Awakening is engaged, Susu becomes "wheeeeeeee toes ninjaaaaaaa *pounce*pounce*pounce*pounce*pounce*" et cetera until I finally manage to get out of bed with her hopping and attacking willy-nilly punctuated with happy-mews and tail-thwaps.

Well. What with all the thunder, First Awakening came at midnight, and Second Awakening a few minutes later. Pounce pounce pounce pounce pounce. She finally calmed down, we went back to sleep. Hail ahoy! Another Second Awakening!! Pounce pounce pounce pounce pounce. Eventually we go back to sleep. Crack, boom, pow, watery deluge!! Pounce pounce pounce pounce pounce. And so on, and so forth, for three hours. -.-;

of course then you get home from work in the evening and the cats are all "HUMAAANN you bring us new yet familiar smells from the world beyond! Oh your gentle touch, how we have missed it in the 10.72 hours we have been asleep since you left this morning! Prrrow!" and all is well with the world.
posted by fraula at 11:37 AM on November 15, 2013 [6 favorites]


And yes, if you don't like where he is move him. Our cat learned that the middle of the bed is for people so she sleeps on my feet instead.

I wish it were that easy. The thing is, my cats learned that once the humans fall asleep, they can go anywhere they damn well please. And when you wake up to a cat in the middle of the bed, there is no moving him. It's quite remarkable, the transformation that occurs. The cat becomes like a 2' diameter puddle of liquid gold--you can't push it off, you can't lift it off, you can't pull the covers out from under it. It's now just a part of the bed that you can't use.
posted by gueneverey at 11:58 AM on November 15, 2013 [7 favorites]


I love cats. I love people who love cats... with major one exception:

I am sick to death of those assholes who insist "you can't train cats" and "sometimes cats bite - it's just their nature!" and "Fluffy really rules the house - she knows who's in charge!".

Asswipe human beings who use the stereotype legend of cat behavior (which is 90% bullshit) to justify being immature, irresponsible, downright horrible pet owners... often living in cat feces-scented abodes. WHICH CATS HATE. THEY ARE CLEAN ANIMALS! CLEAN THEIR FUCKING LITTER BOXES!

Ahem. I'm better now.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:06 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


fwiw - i totally think you can train cats, but i think there's limits based upon temperament and just how much they react to a squirt bottle. also, we clean his box twice a day.
posted by nadawi at 1:34 PM on November 15, 2013


Metafilter (rightfully) has a problem with people surgically de-clawing their cats. I doubt anyone has a problem with trimming their claws.

I do my cat's nails. She likes them Blood Red. My blood.
posted by srboisvert at 2:18 PM on November 15, 2013 [1 favorite]


I do my cat's nails.

Soft Claws. I thought there were silly, and they are silly, but they work.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:34 PM on November 15, 2013 [3 favorites]


We trim our cat's front claws every few weeks or so, never really an issue, but then we've been regularly cleaning his teeth since he was a kitten. It's always good to do it before we fly, we forgot once and he went ape while I was carrying him through the metal detector. Carrie had nothing on me.
posted by arcticseal at 2:55 PM on November 15, 2013


Having three cats, I can totally relate to them hogging the bed. As soon as I get in bed, all three cats jump on the bed and strategically place themselves around me. It's a good thing I don't move around much when I sleep or I'd have some pissed off cats.
posted by Eclipsante at 8:07 PM on November 15, 2013


I've had two cats during my adult life — the first was one of those grumpy murder cats (I think she just had a paranoia brain disorder and I loved her nevertheless), and my current cat is a sweetheart (for which, as much as I loved her predecessor, I am perennially thankful).

But, in both cases, there's a noticeable convergence of personalities toward my sensibilities. Which, as a matter of fact, was the case with my beloved childhood dog. Which is to say, all three of these animals never try to boss me around or overly impose themselves on me. (Simone might try to claw my face off, but she never expected me to be her dancing monkey.) We pretty much respect each other's boundaries.

The current sweetheart of a cat, Muncie, never fails to wait for my assent before she settles into place on or against my body. On the bed, she'll invariably first walk around to look me in the face, I greet her and she may sniff my nose for a moment, then she'll drape herself over my thighs. Recently, she's decided she loves to lie alongside me between my waist and the edge of the bed while I read, but she first slowly walks to my shoulder, looking me in the eye and purring (we'll slow-blink at each other), and wait until I pet her before she reverses and lays herself down. In fact, she won't even approach my shoulder before first getting my attention and waiting for me to gesture her to come forward.

It's not like I ever refuse her. Or get upset with her. She's just very ... respectful.

Like most cats, when sleepily draped over her human she is puzzled by this "awkward movement, as if attempting to dislodge" and will ride it out, like some inexplicable natural phenomenon, up to and including acrobatics. On the other hand, she instantly and completely understands the phrase "up we go!" and leaps away even before I begin moving.

She's recently decided that it makes her very happy to sit on my lap while I'm at my computer desk and has settled on one unvarying approach. She'll sit upright on the very corner of the nearby bed and cry this very distinctive pleading (but not desperate) meow, tinged with affection, until I turn in the chair toward her and indicate that she may proceed with her short leap into my lap. At that point we engage in mutually confounding maneuvering in an attempt to both satisfy her comfort and my need to use the mouse and keyboard, not to mention view the screen. Occasionally she'll inexplicably decide that what she really wants is to sleep draped across my upper chest, while I sit upright in the chair, even though this is not in conformance with the local physics.

In any case, she does very little which is annoying or imperious, we accomodate each other quite comfortably. The only serious grievance concerns the cat vomit, which she seems to consider as something that just magically appears, having nothing to do with her.
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 1:25 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]


Warning to people who try to navigate to the site on the iPad- there's a popup that redirects the page to some stupid app with no way to click no.
posted by winna at 2:59 PM on November 16, 2013


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