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Welcome to ISIS!
January 3, 2014 1:41 PM   Subscribe

In this series of ISIS orientation films, Dr. Krieger will be answering frequently asked questions from new team members. Season five of Archer premieres Monday, January 13th on FX.

Conflict Resolution
Got beef with a co-worker? Pam provides advice on why beef is probably the wrong word to use.

Drug Policy
Is the ISIS drug policy strict? Strictly awesome.

On the latest ISIS instructional video, Lana helps demonstrate the proper way to handle a pesky ninja infestation.

Who Is That Lady?
Dr. Krieger prepares recruits on how to handle ISIS's most terrifying weapon: Malory Archer.

Gun Safety
Archer demonstrates the proper and safe way to handle a gun. Emphasis on proper and safe.

Office Supplies
QUIZ: Guns, bombs, or paper clips. Which are ISIS's most guarded assets?

Archer previously: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
posted by Room 641-A (35 comments total) 28 users marked this as a favorite

Sighs, stares at drawer containing Archer spec script.
posted by The Whelk at 2:02 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]

Didn't we, like, bet-slash-dare you into completing that script?
posted by Rory Marinich at 2:03 PM on January 3

It is done. You supposedly read it Rory
posted by The Whelk at 2:08 PM on January 3

Yeah I did and I responded with feedback
posted by Rory Marinich at 2:08 PM on January 3

I would TOTALLY read the shit out of that, Whelk.
posted by at 2:11 PM on January 3 [3 favorites]

Heh. Krieger's girlfriend on the blackboard.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:13 PM on January 3

Total sploosh.
posted by arcticseal at 2:17 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]

The storyline for this season sounds so ridiculous, I can't wait.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:17 PM on January 3

The Whelk writing for Archer is a thing that needs to happen.
posted by Pope Guilty at 2:24 PM on January 3 [7 favorites]

The Whelk: "Sighs, stares at drawer containing Archer spec script."

The spec was for a taut, sexy thriller! And your script had no mention of Conway at all!

At least yours was better than the one that sent all of my employees on a "city wide hunt for the world's most stylish kravat".
posted by Malory Archer at 2:30 PM on January 3 [14 favorites]

Its spelled cravat Ms. Arche- I'm fired again aren't I?
posted by The Whelk at 2:38 PM on January 3 [2 favorites]

Not submitting that script is just... babytown frolics.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 2:43 PM on January 3

Solid tag work there, Room 641-A.
posted by DynamiteToast at 2:46 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]

The Whelk: "Its spelled cravat Ms. Arche- I'm fired again aren't I?"

Bless you, no dear. You never worked for me in the first place. That's why it's spec work, right?

And the item belonged to a Turkmen double agent. Unfortunately, because of recent actions by that country's dictator, all the tips we got lead us to snakes and loaves of bread.
posted by Malory Archer at 2:56 PM on January 3 [6 favorites]

None of you is my goddamned supervisor.
posted by ColdChef at 3:02 PM on January 3 [13 favorites]

"I am the golden god of gummi."
posted by Room 641-A at 5:30 PM on January 3

Still not seeing a link for that script Whelk.
posted by Ber at 6:13 PM on January 3

If it doesn't include Brett getting injured, Whelk's script can take a walk.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:40 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]

Script? Script me.
posted by rokusan at 7:47 PM on January 3

You guys know I was trapped on the tarmac at JFK for four hours right?
posted by The Whelk at 8:42 PM on January 3

Lots of down-time to put some polish on that script then, eh?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:28 PM on January 3

No more excuses!


Is there a super secret reason why (even before the Canada episode with the train and the ocelot and stuff) there's 80's and 90's-vintage Canadian brand household stuff in the background all the time? Or is it just to flavour the alternavague history that the show's set in?

(For example, Sifto Salt and Catelli brand pasta. I think there a few other examples.)
posted by porpoise at 9:33 PM on January 3


Here's the teaser pre-credits segment

and JUST FOR METAFILTER, here's the Krieger scene. Don't say I don't love you.

SMASH CUT to LANA dialing her phone while feeling her way through the dark shed.
Krieger's desk phone rings twice. Krieger rolls up to the phone on a rolling office chair. Behind him is a wall-length glass containment unit.
Krieger, what do we know about Averton's Purity Project?
Just that the company's been developing it for a decade. Super hush-hush robotics stuff. None of the other 'Noidheads can figure out what they're doing but they are buying fabrication material by the shipload.
Are there any rumors about-wait, 'Noidheads?
Gynoidheads. It's a ...message board I frequent for admirers of the robotic female form.
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
That's probobly for the best
A RED LIGHT starts to flash in the LAB. There is a low, slow "Enterprise Red Alert" type alarm blasting.
Do you think it could be cybernetic enhancement? Cause this wheat cracker of a woman nearly broke my paddle playing Ping-Pong and she so does not have the delts for that.
The KLAXONS and LIGHTS flash louder and faster. A group of ARMED GUARDS runs behind Kreiger.
He's got a gun! Aim for the head!
Krieger what's going on?
Oh nothing, I left something cooking and I really should get back to it. I'll call you when I know more. Toodles!
Kreiger hangs up the PHONE. A hail of GUNFIRE is heard off-screen. There is a SPLAT as the bloody body of a TEST SUBJECT smashes against the inside of the containment case.
This is just Freshman Orientation all over again!
posted by The Whelk at 9:37 PM on January 3 [11 favorites]

This is now canon.
posted by arcticseal at 10:34 PM on January 3

Me mail me if you want the full draft, I could use some notes.
posted by The Whelk at 10:43 PM on January 3

Dooodoo do do DO!, Doe do, due doh...
posted by porpoise at 12:26 AM on January 4

Seriously, that is spot-on Archer, The Whelk. You must pitch that to whoever you can and get it made.
posted by snwod at 2:47 AM on January 4

Also, when I was writing the damn thing

posted by The Whelk at 12:03 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

‘Archer’ Exclusive: Executive Producer Matt Thompson Reveals All On Season 5′s ‘Radical Departure’

Spolier Alarm: There's a lot of stuff here. Just scrolling to the bottom of the interview I couldn't help catch a few key words and phrases.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:22 PM on January 7 [1 favorite]

This season is going to be insane. Thompson and Reed did great with the "radical departure" thing in Frisky Dingo season 2 when all of a sudden the main characters were running for President, so I totally have faith in them on this.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:41 PM on January 7

ah what the end, the last scene. For you Metafilter.

Archer and company speed away in the luxury sedan. Archer is at the wheel. Averton House recedes into the background.
Drive drive drive drive!
I'm trying- calm down Cyril you're not the only one who's having a bad day.
So wait you- he just propositioned you out of the blue?
Yeah, it was great. He practically vibrated. It was better than Dairy Fest 98.
I hope that’s not a euphemism.
Can we not talk about robot sex?!
Normally I'd be disagreeing with you but right now-
There is a massive explosion as Averton House goes up in flames. Debris falls around the car. Figgis screams and Archer skids the car to a stop.
Ah crap!
Aerial shot shows the bridge is still turned out, unconnected. The other side of the reach is tantalizingly close.
Oh come on!
Jesus H Fucksticks.
See this is exactly what I was talking about! This wouldn't be a problem if I had the motorcycle.
Lana groans. Figgis begins to cry.
posted by The Whelk at 10:39 PM on January 7 [3 favorites]

Archer promotes its fifth season by posting nude pictures on Reddit (NSFW-ish)
posted by tonycpsu at 3:05 PM on January 8 [1 favorite]

H. Jon Benjamin's Reddit AMA.
posted by zombieflanders at 1:39 PM on January 10 [1 favorite]

H. Jon Benjamin has done lots of stuff, but he will always be Ben from Dr. Katz to me.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:35 PM on January 11

the whole damn script
posted by The Whelk at 2:24 PM on January 13 [1 favorite]

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