"a tongue like a sea sponge that's decided life just isn't worth it."
May 5, 2015 9:34 AM Subscribe
As a sex worker who has done in-person work for a decade, I've kissed a lot of frogs. So many, in fact, that I have a theory about why call girls of old had the "no kissing" rule, a rule that is unfortunately uncommon among contemporary escorts: It's not because kissing is more intimate than other acts, but because it's uniquely cruel to have to endure bad kissing. And bad kissing is a guarantee.Charlotte Shane (previously, previouslier) wants help you stop sucking at kissing.
We are so lame.
posted by Trochanter at 9:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Trochanter at 9:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I also really enjoyed this article, but I think the takeaway is probably that a lot of people Are just not very good at kissing, because I've had women do some of these things when making out, over the years. The weirdest one was the combination shark-mouth to a really hard tongue suck. It was very, very awkward.
posted by KGMoney at 9:54 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by KGMoney at 9:54 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
Kissing, like love, has many levels and shades. Ya gotta match the right kiss with the right mood and that involves paying attention to the other person.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:57 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:57 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
I have kissed many women I would prefer not to kiss again. I'm not sure if this makes me the baddie, but they were not kiss-gooders
posted by rhizome at 9:58 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 9:58 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Another problem is that you're always kissing the last person you kissed. The last person you kissed wanted a battle of tongues comparable to the swordfight in Princess Bride. Your current paramour much prefers a sort of witty lengual badinage like a Wodehouse piece. You never find this out, of course, because while you're trying Capo Ferro, she/he just wants a bit of Jeeves and Wooster and there'll be no second date, much less a two months later where you can discuss, debate, and criticize kissing habits amongst late coffee and oranges.
posted by aureliobuendia at 9:59 AM on May 5, 2015 [74 favorites]
posted by aureliobuendia at 9:59 AM on May 5, 2015 [74 favorites]
A friend of mine...met a woman for the first time for drinks some months back, and things got increasingly verbally/nonverbally warmer over the course of the first glass of wine. To the point that he felt that a light first kiss would not be inappropriate and might, in fact, be welcome.
Imagine his surprise when his slow approach for a gentle kiss was met with an onslaught of tongue like a cow gargling a habanero smoothie.
This may be anomalous, and my friend does not have ample experience in this regard, but holy Hannah, what a turnoff, he reports.
posted by the sobsister at 10:00 AM on May 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
Imagine his surprise when his slow approach for a gentle kiss was met with an onslaught of tongue like a cow gargling a habanero smoothie.
This may be anomalous, and my friend does not have ample experience in this regard, but holy Hannah, what a turnoff, he reports.
posted by the sobsister at 10:00 AM on May 5, 2015 [18 favorites]
This kind of reads like 'don't do stuff that people don't like', with the inevitable caveat that everybody likes something different, which reveals the article to be an excuse to make sea sponge jokes rather than deliver actual advice, because there's no advice to give except 'try to be sensitive to what your partner likes; ask if necessary'.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:02 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 10:02 AM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I don't think people spend enough time discussing how they would like to be kissed with their partners. If you have already done so, I doff my cap at you.
posted by Kitteh at 10:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 10:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Metafilter: battle of tongues comparable to the swordfight in Princess Bride.
posted by lalochezia at 10:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by lalochezia at 10:03 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I had a girl suck my tongue so hard that it split that little connecting tissue under the center of my tongue. I actually felt it happen. And it bled. Yeah, she definitely wasn't going anywhere else with that mouth.
posted by ReeMonster at 10:04 AM on May 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
posted by ReeMonster at 10:04 AM on May 5, 2015 [13 favorites]
Your current paramour much prefers a sort of witty lengual badinage like a Wodehouse piece. You never find this out, of course, because while you're trying Capo Ferro
Fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Yes, I know the line referred to Bonetti's Defense.
posted by Gelatin at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
Yes, I know the line referred to Bonetti's Defense.
posted by Gelatin at 10:06 AM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
This kind of reads like 'don't do stuff that people don't like',
It's more along the lines of 'you aren't in a perptual porn movie, don't start with the jackhammer, build to it slowly.'
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:08 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's more along the lines of 'you aren't in a perptual porn movie, don't start with the jackhammer, build to it slowly.'
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:08 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
PRACTICE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HAND.
Isn't this kind of thing done funnier by movies like Mean Girls?
posted by colie at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Isn't this kind of thing done funnier by movies like Mean Girls?
posted by colie at 10:13 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
You can pretty much train partners up to kiss the way you prefer. I have had my share (and then some) of crappy kissers but everybody who made it past the audition and became what we will call a "recurring cast member" improved (by way of instruction and stuff) to where they were quite enjoyable for me to kiss.
The thing here is that partner sexyfuntime is a team sport -- everybody needs to work together to ensure there's a good experience for all players. If your partner does not kiss you in a way you like or want or need, you are going to have to talk to them about what you like and want and need OR (please don't do this) settle for enduring craptastic kissing forever because you are not willing to be clear about what you like. Your partner probably is not a mind-reader. Waiting for them to magically figure out what you want is not a winning strategy.
It's reasonably fun and easy to teach someone to kiss more-like-you'd-like-it. Treat it like a game -- like follow-the-leader or do-what-I-do. You don't have to be nasty or attack anyone's prowess for this. Just sort of pretend that your partner's Old Style Kissing probably worked super great on everyone else, but that you are not them and you like it *this way*. (Demonstrate.) Sexy whispers. "Gets me totally hot. Tease my lips, like this (demonstrate) or gently bite my lower lip (like so...) or tongue *this* way. Anticipation is a wonderful thing. Blah blah.
ALSO, the "I like to be kissed this way" discussion can open the door to your partner being able to say stuff like "Wow, I like how you go down on me and that's awesome especially when everything gets slippery as hell and you can use your hand, but could you be a little firmer in your grip for that? It won't break, I promise..." (I am trying not to be heterosexist here, but my experience with partners is mostly with dudes and many of them grip a lot more firmly than I generally start out so this is a typical suggestion.)
The people who claim good communication is important for better partner sexyfuntime are NOT trying to be boring. They are trying to help folks have better sex that is more fun for everyone involved.
posted by which_chick at 10:14 AM on May 5, 2015 [23 favorites]
The thing here is that partner sexyfuntime is a team sport -- everybody needs to work together to ensure there's a good experience for all players. If your partner does not kiss you in a way you like or want or need, you are going to have to talk to them about what you like and want and need OR (please don't do this) settle for enduring craptastic kissing forever because you are not willing to be clear about what you like. Your partner probably is not a mind-reader. Waiting for them to magically figure out what you want is not a winning strategy.
It's reasonably fun and easy to teach someone to kiss more-like-you'd-like-it. Treat it like a game -- like follow-the-leader or do-what-I-do. You don't have to be nasty or attack anyone's prowess for this. Just sort of pretend that your partner's Old Style Kissing probably worked super great on everyone else, but that you are not them and you like it *this way*. (Demonstrate.) Sexy whispers. "Gets me totally hot. Tease my lips, like this (demonstrate) or gently bite my lower lip (like so...) or tongue *this* way. Anticipation is a wonderful thing. Blah blah.
ALSO, the "I like to be kissed this way" discussion can open the door to your partner being able to say stuff like "Wow, I like how you go down on me and that's awesome especially when everything gets slippery as hell and you can use your hand, but could you be a little firmer in your grip for that? It won't break, I promise..." (I am trying not to be heterosexist here, but my experience with partners is mostly with dudes and many of them grip a lot more firmly than I generally start out so this is a typical suggestion.)
The people who claim good communication is important for better partner sexyfuntime are NOT trying to be boring. They are trying to help folks have better sex that is more fun for everyone involved.
posted by which_chick at 10:14 AM on May 5, 2015 [23 favorites]
No offense to anyone, but it's true: most men are awful, awful, awful kissers.
s/men/people
posted by rorgy at 10:18 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
s/men/people
posted by rorgy at 10:18 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
and criticize kissing habits amongst late coffee and oranges.
It's *tea* and oranges.
That come all the way from China.
Like everything else nowadays.
Since we're discussing preferences
posted by weston at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
It's *tea* and oranges.
That come all the way from China.
Like everything else nowadays.
Since we're discussing preferences
posted by weston at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2015 [8 favorites]
s/men/people
Yes, ok, fine -- sorry, but I don't know from women, so I'm speaking only from my own experience.
posted by holborne at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yes, ok, fine -- sorry, but I don't know from women, so I'm speaking only from my own experience.
posted by holborne at 10:21 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
ii get in there and j UST go for it. No wrong answers, it looks basically like a wet towel in a fleshy tumble dryer. Get in there and shuffle them around like old people in a bridge tournament. Quarter circle forward quarter circle backward akuma finisher super combo Flawless victory
Maybe I'm just an enthusiastic amateur though.
posted by boo_radley at 10:27 AM on May 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
Maybe I'm just an enthusiastic amateur though.
posted by boo_radley at 10:27 AM on May 5, 2015 [22 favorites]
Also Rory don't make assumptions on who holborne's kisses, dogg. That's heck of reflexive corrections dogg..
posted by boo_radley at 10:29 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by boo_radley at 10:29 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I like this partially because her advice can make kissing more pleasurable for both people. I think a lot of men are probably bad kissers because they don't know how good kissing can feel, maybe thinking about it as just a prelude to the actual pleasure, or don't want to let themselves enjoy it.
posted by clockzero at 10:33 AM on May 5, 2015
posted by clockzero at 10:33 AM on May 5, 2015
boo_radley is drunk
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:37 AM on May 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:37 AM on May 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Is this where I say I am so tired of the overly hoppy American craft kissers?
posted by srboisvert at 10:41 AM on May 5, 2015 [58 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 10:41 AM on May 5, 2015 [58 favorites]
There are people who don't use their lips? And face swallowers?
Capo Ferro is a workable strategy. Wait and see how your partner behaves. Keep contact light, but if they thrust in hard then counterparry back without hesitation.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:42 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Capo Ferro is a workable strategy. Wait and see how your partner behaves. Keep contact light, but if they thrust in hard then counterparry back without hesitation.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 10:42 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can we add to the list hard biting absent any idea how your partner will react? Because that is some seriously presumptuous shit.
posted by echocollate at 10:50 AM on May 5, 2015
posted by echocollate at 10:50 AM on May 5, 2015
Drunk on kisses
posted by boo_radley at 10:53 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by boo_radley at 10:53 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Kissing is a prelude. Keep it subtle but with a hint of what may follow, should all the planets align...
posted by jim in austin at 10:58 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jim in austin at 10:58 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I feel like I've seen enough of these "bad kisser" articles that the message has certainly gotten plenty of exposure.
Can we please now tackle the problem of bad rimmers? When I'm getting my salad tossed, I hate to feel like someone is actually using a pair of garden shears on my delicate rosebud.
posted by orme at 10:59 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Can we please now tackle the problem of bad rimmers? When I'm getting my salad tossed, I hate to feel like someone is actually using a pair of garden shears on my delicate rosebud.
posted by orme at 10:59 AM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
I was lucky to have a first girlfriend who said, "Don't kiss like that. Kiss like this." And then a second girlfriend who said, "Wow, you're a really good kisser," thus reinforcing the lessons taught by the first.
Or, as which_chick put it, communication, at least half of which is listening.
posted by clawsoon at 11:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Or, as which_chick put it, communication, at least half of which is listening.
posted by clawsoon at 11:09 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some people cannot be taught. And if your new kissing partner comes from a culture where people just don't kiss that much, well, good luck to you I guess. Not fun.
posted by 1adam12 at 11:17 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by 1adam12 at 11:17 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
i have kissed many men and many women and none of the women were terrible, ever. even the ladies with cigarette breath were better than the guys who did the toilet plunger tongue thing, or the dead eel tongue thing, or the lamprey-face-swallowing thing, or the I AM A MANLY FORCEFUL KISSER thing which is hilarious when you are both doing it comically and really awful when one party is doing it sincerely.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:17 AM on May 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:17 AM on May 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
I was once kissed by a woman who did the pornstar tongue thing, just sticking her tongue out without actually using her lips, and it was super weird.
posted by signal at 11:24 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by signal at 11:24 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Weirdly, I've gotten the MANLY FORCEFUL KISSER thing from two women, the face swallower thing from one, and neither from men. Inversely I've gotten the ridiculously slobbery despite no tongue thing from exclusively dudes.
I'd say I've encountered more varieties of crappy kissing from women than men, guys are usually crappy in the same way. I do think a huge part of this is some kind of trying to do it like porn thing combined with trying to do it how the previous person you had any extended sexual relationship with liked it though.
And some people seem very embedded in "kissing is like THIS, THIS is what's romantic/hot" in a way that even seems to transcend gender roles and that I can only really blame TV and porn for.
posted by emptythought at 11:25 AM on May 5, 2015
I'd say I've encountered more varieties of crappy kissing from women than men, guys are usually crappy in the same way. I do think a huge part of this is some kind of trying to do it like porn thing combined with trying to do it how the previous person you had any extended sexual relationship with liked it though.
And some people seem very embedded in "kissing is like THIS, THIS is what's romantic/hot" in a way that even seems to transcend gender roles and that I can only really blame TV and porn for.
posted by emptythought at 11:25 AM on May 5, 2015
It took a minute to find it, but the joke I've made repeatedly is that too many people see themselves in a more intense, exaggerated, extended version of this scene complete with the soundtrack. Not involved with another person.
They're basically kissing themselves, in some sense.
posted by emptythought at 11:33 AM on May 5, 2015
They're basically kissing themselves, in some sense.
posted by emptythought at 11:33 AM on May 5, 2015
Thanks for triggering the bad memory of my first online date ever (a university VAX system, 1988). Still holds the record for worst kisser ever. Was amazed that one person's saliva glands could come up with that much drool at one time.
posted by Melismata at 11:38 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Melismata at 11:38 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was informed once that I kiss like a lamprey.
*punches air*
posted by spinifex23 at 11:46 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
*punches air*
posted by spinifex23 at 11:46 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was married for 6 years and we never once used our tongues kissing. This did not strike me as weird until the first man I kissed post-divorce stuck his tongue in my mouth.
Since then I have kissed lots of people - both men and women. Women are ALWAYS better kissers.
There was one guy that I was completely sure was trying to swallow my head whole.
posted by elvissa at 11:47 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Since then I have kissed lots of people - both men and women. Women are ALWAYS better kissers.
There was one guy that I was completely sure was trying to swallow my head whole.
posted by elvissa at 11:47 AM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
s/men/people
#notallbadkissers
I've never made out with a woman, but I've made out with a whole hell of a lot of dudes, and the one thing probably 75% of them have had in common is using their tongues as slobbery shovels to dig in my mouth like they're orthognathic surgeons rooting around for the least visible incision points. This speaks to the (ime) stunning percentage of guys who insist on using their tongues in EVERY transaction, no matter how brief -- you'll be going in for a nice, light peck, and dude is instantly up and running, jamming his tongue between your lips and twisting it around like he's trying to pry open the wrecked car of your mouth with his lingual jaws of life.
Leading with your words is way, way better than leading with your tongue and waiting for the other person to recoil or give you what-for, and it's pretty much overwhelmingly hot to speak up like grown adults and share what you like and don't like in the lead-up to the main event. The best kissers are (again, ime) patient, curious, observant, and talkative. If I had one tip to give to the rest of them, it would be "Slow your roll, bruh, it's not a race!" Also, "Please, for the love of god, stop licking me."
posted by divined by radio at 11:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
#notallbadkissers
I've never made out with a woman, but I've made out with a whole hell of a lot of dudes, and the one thing probably 75% of them have had in common is using their tongues as slobbery shovels to dig in my mouth like they're orthognathic surgeons rooting around for the least visible incision points. This speaks to the (ime) stunning percentage of guys who insist on using their tongues in EVERY transaction, no matter how brief -- you'll be going in for a nice, light peck, and dude is instantly up and running, jamming his tongue between your lips and twisting it around like he's trying to pry open the wrecked car of your mouth with his lingual jaws of life.
Leading with your words is way, way better than leading with your tongue and waiting for the other person to recoil or give you what-for, and it's pretty much overwhelmingly hot to speak up like grown adults and share what you like and don't like in the lead-up to the main event. The best kissers are (again, ime) patient, curious, observant, and talkative. If I had one tip to give to the rest of them, it would be "Slow your roll, bruh, it's not a race!" Also, "Please, for the love of god, stop licking me."
posted by divined by radio at 11:52 AM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Ah, mimics, you gotta watch out for those.
posted by Slackermagee at 11:53 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Slackermagee at 11:53 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had a girl in high school give me a very helpful talk in what works and what doesn't with kissing and hugging ("less tongue the better; don't pat my back like a dog when you hug me").
Incredibly common sense but that's hard to come by when you're 16-17, and it's served me well since then.
posted by glaucon at 11:56 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Incredibly common sense but that's hard to come by when you're 16-17, and it's served me well since then.
posted by glaucon at 11:56 AM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I mean, maybe it's just straight women who are bad kissers out of the non-men folk? Because it seems to be all dudes with the terrible kissing anecdotes about women, and those of us who have kissed a variety of genders are pretty uniform in thinking the queer ladies were waaaaaaaay better than the dudes.
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:05 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:05 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
This flash game (previously) contains everything I ever needed to know about kissing.
posted by notpace at 12:06 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by notpace at 12:06 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
teeth to teeth or gtfo
posted by resurrexit at 12:14 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by resurrexit at 12:14 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
Metafilter: "Please, for the love of god, stop licking me."
posted by sciatrix at 12:15 PM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by sciatrix at 12:15 PM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
I liked this - will have to bring it up with the husband tonight and try out all the bad kisses so we can laugh about them. Kissing is such a great thing you should discuss with your partner if the two of you are going to be a Thing. If you can't talk about kissing then how are you going to talk about other more intimate stuff or things like birth control (when needed, natch)? Not being able to talk about kissing is probably a red flag.
Although long ago, when my not yet husband informed me that he liked really slow kisses, he did not appreciate it that I responded by going all slo-mo with my lips and tongue while humming the Chariots of Fire theme.
posted by barchan at 12:21 PM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
Although long ago, when my not yet husband informed me that he liked really slow kisses, he did not appreciate it that I responded by going all slo-mo with my lips and tongue while humming the Chariots of Fire theme.
posted by barchan at 12:21 PM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
I dated a terrible guy for six months because he was a really good kisser. He literally had nothing else going for him but great kissing abilities & bedroom eyes.
Then I dated a terrible kisser who was (I thought) a good guy, and I tried to reform him but it didn't take. All the communication in the world doesn't make a difference if they don't understand what they're doing wrong.
posted by desjardins at 12:23 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Then I dated a terrible kisser who was (I thought) a good guy, and I tried to reform him but it didn't take. All the communication in the world doesn't make a difference if they don't understand what they're doing wrong.
posted by desjardins at 12:23 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread confirms my suspicions that at least half the population are secretly Cthulhu tentacle horrors, and given the chance at intimacy will try to suck the life essence out of you. Beware.
posted by naju at 12:28 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by naju at 12:28 PM on May 5, 2015 [6 favorites]
*surreptitiously attempts to tuck gills under shirt collar* what no you saw nothing
posted by sciatrix at 12:29 PM on May 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by sciatrix at 12:29 PM on May 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
seriously i am at a loss for words on how to describe the soul-crushing horror of a dude who just sticks his tongue out all the way into your mouth and then it just lays there like a dead flounder, moist and lifeless. just thinking about it gives me the noro poop shivers.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:29 PM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:29 PM on May 5, 2015 [15 favorites]
She calls it Shark Mouth. I call it Baby Bird.
posted by caryatid at 12:33 PM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by caryatid at 12:33 PM on May 5, 2015 [4 favorites]
This article actually helped me reassure myself I'm a good kisser. I have often sees/experienced people jamming their tongue all over the place like a frenetic swashbuckling scene.
I remember hooking up with a high school crush when we were in college and oh my god her lips somehow retracted into her body and her tongue grew to titanic proportions. I could not leave fast enough.
Damn you, metafilter, stop talking about dating!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:38 PM on May 5, 2015
I remember hooking up with a high school crush when we were in college and oh my god her lips somehow retracted into her body and her tongue grew to titanic proportions. I could not leave fast enough.
Damn you, metafilter, stop talking about dating!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:38 PM on May 5, 2015
but what's so hard about understanding that physical intimacy is a nonverbal conversation
I don't think it's hard to understand that intellectually, but the language of nonverbal communication isn't taught very well, if at all. This applies to kissing but also sex and also dancing.
I think if we teach everyone how to dance we will get better kissers, better sexxers, and, crucially, better dancers.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:55 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don't think it's hard to understand that intellectually, but the language of nonverbal communication isn't taught very well, if at all. This applies to kissing but also sex and also dancing.
I think if we teach everyone how to dance we will get better kissers, better sexxers, and, crucially, better dancers.
posted by wemayfreeze at 12:55 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would say that about 33% of the guys I have kissed leave the lower half of my face wet enough that I must wipe it with my shirtsleeve. Why, I ask you, WHY
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:58 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:58 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
My first girlfriend in college gave me a lot of advice and instruction in this regard! Subsequent kissees (those who have given good marks, anyway) owe her a debt of gratitude. One can totally be taught.
posted by kenko at 1:00 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by kenko at 1:00 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
colie: PRACTICE IT ON THE BACK OF YOUR HAND.
Only if you like foreplay before masturbation.
posted by dr_dank at 1:14 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Only if you like foreplay before masturbation.
posted by dr_dank at 1:14 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I don’t know why some men feel like their lips should kept out of the way, but I suspect (again) it’s because they’re so tongue-fixated.
huh? who would think baring their teeth is a good way to kiss?
posted by angrycat at 1:16 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
huh? who would think baring their teeth is a good way to kiss?
posted by angrycat at 1:16 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
my thing is locking spectacle frames with the mister as we kiss, and then it's like the horns of stag beetles knocking on the top of our faces
posted by angrycat at 1:19 PM on May 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by angrycat at 1:19 PM on May 5, 2015 [11 favorites]
Kissing, like watersports BDSM mixed with assplay amongthree or more people, has certain nuances to ti. Don't start the Monstro Humpty Bumpty plug, you need to work up to that.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:36 PM on May 5, 2015
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:36 PM on May 5, 2015
no article like this will ever be useful to me. I will mark it as a favorite
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:38 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:38 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
This advice is not gender specific. I read it thinking, "Yup, I've been on the receiving end of almost all of that." I'm a man, and my anecdotal evidence is more relevant than your anecdotal evidence...or something.
posted by Chuffy at 1:44 PM on May 5, 2015
posted by Chuffy at 1:44 PM on May 5, 2015
I still remember my first face-swallower. A beautiful, intelligent woman — and apparently, a very hungry one.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 1:56 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 1:56 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I absolutely 100% believe that it is not gender specific -- and yet, like my comrades who have commented before me, every single woman I've ever kissed has approached it as a mutual discovery rather than as a dominance game. She has kissed WITH me rather than AT me, in other words.
posted by KathrynT at 2:01 PM on May 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 2:01 PM on May 5, 2015 [10 favorites]
I haven't kissed a lot of people but man, none of them so far have had a clue about the tongue thing. My last girlfriend, she was a great person in so many ways... but man was she guilty of the jackhammer thing. I think after a certain point in our relationship we just stopped trying to make tongue work. On the other hand, y'know, I can't claim to be amazing at kissing, either. I am but 21 years old. Maybe this is something that gets figured out with age.
weston:
and criticize kissing habits amongst late coffee and oranges.
It's *tea* and oranges.
It's time for you to meet my man Wallace Stevens (if you haven't already)
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:02 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
weston:
and criticize kissing habits amongst late coffee and oranges.
It's *tea* and oranges.
It's time for you to meet my man Wallace Stevens (if you haven't already)
posted by Gymnopedist at 2:02 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Imagine his surprise when his slow approach for a gentle kiss was met with an onslaught of tongue like a cow gargling a habanero smoothie.
Ha! I had something similar happen to me. Only I wasn't going in for a kiss, I was just standing there (it was at a party). Years later a coworker told a story of a woman that licked the side of his face when he turned at the last second to avoid an unwelcome tongue probing. Turns out it was the same woman.
posted by MikeMc at 2:04 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ha! I had something similar happen to me. Only I wasn't going in for a kiss, I was just standing there (it was at a party). Years later a coworker told a story of a woman that licked the side of his face when he turned at the last second to avoid an unwelcome tongue probing. Turns out it was the same woman.
posted by MikeMc at 2:04 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
My wife tells me that she wouldn't have spent the night with me the first time were it not for my kissing skills.
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:11 PM on May 5, 2015
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:11 PM on May 5, 2015
Years later a coworker told a story of a woman that licked the side of his face when he turned at the last second to avoid an unwelcome tongue probing. Turns out it was the same woman.
Reading some of these brought to mind the exchange in Tootsie about "Dr. Brewster":
Dorothy: I have to kiss Dr Brewster.
April: Oh yeah. He kisses all the women on the show. We call him "the Tongue."
posted by the sobsister at 2:32 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Reading some of these brought to mind the exchange in Tootsie about "Dr. Brewster":
Dorothy: I have to kiss Dr Brewster.
April: Oh yeah. He kisses all the women on the show. We call him "the Tongue."
posted by the sobsister at 2:32 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I mean, maybe it's just straight women who are bad kissers out of the non-men folk?
I'd be willing to believe that there might be a queer/non-het advantage that could come from perhaps a bit more insight into the preferences of those preferred.
It's also possible people just get different subsets of available experience and we're all stretching stories over anecdotes here.
Anyway, I can attest that some subset of straight women (at least insofar as I am aware of orientation) kiss very artfully and well indeed. But it's still a conversation.
I can also attest that there are some whose style... does not match my own (which is more along the lines of the author of the article).
It's time for you to meet my man Wallace Stevens (if you haven't already)
Dig.
posted by weston at 2:52 PM on May 5, 2015
I'd be willing to believe that there might be a queer/non-het advantage that could come from perhaps a bit more insight into the preferences of those preferred.
It's also possible people just get different subsets of available experience and we're all stretching stories over anecdotes here.
Anyway, I can attest that some subset of straight women (at least insofar as I am aware of orientation) kiss very artfully and well indeed. But it's still a conversation.
I can also attest that there are some whose style... does not match my own (which is more along the lines of the author of the article).
It's time for you to meet my man Wallace Stevens (if you haven't already)
Dig.
posted by weston at 2:52 PM on May 5, 2015
I think the obvious solution is to teach this in middle school.
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:35 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Elementary Penguin at 3:35 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
basically like a wet towel in a fleshy tumble dryer.
I'm stealing this for my next dating profile.
posted by metaBugs at 3:58 PM on May 5, 2015
I'm stealing this for my next dating profile.
posted by metaBugs at 3:58 PM on May 5, 2015
ressurexit: teeth to teeth or gtfo
AND NOW FOR UNREQUITED TINDER MESSAGE THEATER
babe, im gonna make out so hard with you
we're gonna sound like IBM Model M keyboards
nothing but clackita clackita clackita clackita
u there?
THIS CONCLUDES UNREQUITED TINDER MESSAGE THEATER
posted by Turkey Glue at 4:01 PM on May 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
AND NOW FOR UNREQUITED TINDER MESSAGE THEATER
babe, im gonna make out so hard with you
we're gonna sound like IBM Model M keyboards
nothing but clackita clackita clackita clackita
u there?
THIS CONCLUDES UNREQUITED TINDER MESSAGE THEATER
posted by Turkey Glue at 4:01 PM on May 5, 2015 [16 favorites]
AND NOW FOR UNREQUITED TINDER MESSAGE THEATER
I put on my robe and IBM Model M keyboard...
posted by clawsoon at 4:09 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
I put on my robe and IBM Model M keyboard...
posted by clawsoon at 4:09 PM on May 5, 2015 [5 favorites]
Everyone I've kissed has been pretty good at it. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm the weak link.
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:18 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by The Card Cheat at 4:18 PM on May 5, 2015 [3 favorites]
Can we please now tackle the problem of bad rimmers? When I'm getting my salad tossed, I hate to feel like someone is actually using a pair of garden shears on my delicate rosebud.
Like Edward Scissorhands knocking at the back door.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:20 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Like Edward Scissorhands knocking at the back door.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:20 PM on May 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
Maybe this is something that gets figured out with age.
No, as you age, you just give up. More so if you're married. Even more so if you're married and have kids.
#jadedoldfart
posted by Chuffy at 5:36 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
No, as you age, you just give up. More so if you're married. Even more so if you're married and have kids.
#jadedoldfart
posted by Chuffy at 5:36 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was once with a women who jammed her tongue into my mouth and started rolling it around as if seeking leftover food stuck in my teeth. When I finally forced her tongue back across the border with my own, she clamped her lips on my tongue and sucked so hard I felt something give in the back of my throat and for the next few days I couldn't pronounce the letter L and everyone thought I'd been drinking.
posted by um at 6:13 PM on May 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by um at 6:13 PM on May 5, 2015 [14 favorites]
I have been told I am a pretty decent kisser. I generally wait to see what the kissee does with their tongue first to take my lead. Then, depending on the situation, there's the taking a break from lip kissing thing. You know, pulse points. Earlobes and such.
(Also, it has been so long since a decent makeout session, if I had money, I might hire a worker for just a makeout session...)
(Also what's the take on lip nibbling?)
posted by Samizdata at 6:35 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
(Also, it has been so long since a decent makeout session, if I had money, I might hire a worker for just a makeout session...)
(Also what's the take on lip nibbling?)
posted by Samizdata at 6:35 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm a good kisser, and I can prove it.
posted by sharpener at 1:25 PM on May 5 [+] [!]
Nope, not putting my tongue in there.
(Also what's the take on lip nibbling?)
Way better than tongue-jabbing.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:55 PM on May 5, 2015
posted by sharpener at 1:25 PM on May 5 [+] [!]
Nope, not putting my tongue in there.
(Also what's the take on lip nibbling?)
Way better than tongue-jabbing.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:55 PM on May 5, 2015
30% of it at least is knowing what to do with the hands mid-kiss. This is of course a context-sensitive thing, too. Romantic? gentle 1 hand to the back of the head. Pretty sure you're both going for it? Waist or hips. Don't get all grabby though, and learn to respond quickly to pull-back or encouragement. It's important to react fluidly to the partner's moves, especially with the tongue. Try a little, check the response. You'd think this was rocket surgery but it's just kissing.
I must be okay at it though, because while it took clubbing over the head for most girls to get me to realize we were at the kissing stage, from that point, the deal was usually sealed.
And yeah, glasses. *clank*. I've always dated glasses wearers, so there seems to be a general unspoken understanding that there will be a clank or two while the correct angle of approach is worked out, and when the glasses come off, let the good times ensue.
Kissed a couple teeth clankers though, and that was off-putting.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:54 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I must be okay at it though, because while it took clubbing over the head for most girls to get me to realize we were at the kissing stage, from that point, the deal was usually sealed.
And yeah, glasses. *clank*. I've always dated glasses wearers, so there seems to be a general unspoken understanding that there will be a clank or two while the correct angle of approach is worked out, and when the glasses come off, let the good times ensue.
Kissed a couple teeth clankers though, and that was off-putting.
posted by Devils Rancher at 7:54 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
Some medications cause neuropathy of the lips and/or tongue. It's really weird to try the mutual dance with so many missing or altered (sometimes unpleasantly so) signals for one of the participants.
posted by Dreidl at 12:08 AM on May 6, 2015
posted by Dreidl at 12:08 AM on May 6, 2015
Oh, and I hated it when my ex (with whom there was much frenzied kissing) got a nose stud.
Worse (and more painful) then the most questing tongue.
posted by Samizdata at 5:57 AM on May 6, 2015
Worse (and more painful) then the most questing tongue.
posted by Samizdata at 5:57 AM on May 6, 2015
I enjoy purposefully kissing my girlfriend wrong. This has given me some great new ideas.
posted by Braeburn at 6:57 AM on May 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Braeburn at 6:57 AM on May 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I should have posted this last night when the thread was young, but please
everyone
reread the article in Strong Bad's voice. You're welcome.
posted by doubleozaphod at 6:27 PM on May 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
everyone
reread the article in Strong Bad's voice. You're welcome.
posted by doubleozaphod at 6:27 PM on May 6, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everyone I've kissed has been pretty good at it. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm the weak link.
I kissed by imitating how the other person was kissing. Therefore, everyone thought I was good at it. Hah.
That said, apparently I have been lucky in not running into any of these examples. Seriously, people do that?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:52 PM on May 6, 2015
I kissed by imitating how the other person was kissing. Therefore, everyone thought I was good at it. Hah.
That said, apparently I have been lucky in not running into any of these examples. Seriously, people do that?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:52 PM on May 6, 2015
he did not appreciate it that I responded by going all slo-mo with my lips and tongue while humming the Chariots of Fire theme.
Just tried this (with CoF playing in the background); it's surprisingly difficult. Mostly because we both kept laughing so hard that kissing was impossible. Slo-mo did feel super weird though, for those few straight-faced moments.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:25 PM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
Just tried this (with CoF playing in the background); it's surprisingly difficult. Mostly because we both kept laughing so hard that kissing was impossible. Slo-mo did feel super weird though, for those few straight-faced moments.
posted by Margalo Epps at 8:25 PM on May 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
« Older Yes, you really can get them to say "butts" | Wheel of Lunch Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by holborne at 9:46 AM on May 5, 2015 [9 favorites]