How to Ship a Beluga Whale via UPS

June 8, 2015 3:10 AM

The request — to haul four whale sharks in Taipei and two beluga whales in Mexico to Atlanta — was daunting, but UPS had just the man for the job. As one of the company’s cargo load masters, Bland Matthews has made a career out of shipping seemingly impossible items. In his 20 years at UPS, he’s played an instrumental role in moving everything from 2,000-pound whales to China's Terracotta soldiers. Dream up an item, however delicate or colossal, and Mathews will swiftly sculpt a plan of action: he’s a logistical guru.

posted by ellieBOA (14 comments total)

Sounds like both a fascinating and ulcer-inducing job...
posted by jim in austin at 4:11 AM on June 8, 2015

UPS InfoNoticeSM

We attempted to: X Deliver _ Pick up
1 Package(s)
_ 1st attempt _ 2nd attempt X FINAL ATTEMPT

We could not leave the package(s) because
_ A signature is required on delivery
_ Sender requested a signature to confirm delivery
X An adult signature is required (minimum 21 years of age)
_ There is a C.O.D. amount due of _______ NO CASH PLEASE

In Your absence the package was left at: _ Front door _ Back door _ Side door
_ Patio _ Porch _ Garage _ Office _ Deck
_ Neighbor X Other: Hot tub
posted by misteraitch at 4:15 AM on June 8, 2015 [27 favorites]

Pfft! This is probably just viral marketing for a re-make of Star Trek IV
posted by Captain_Science at 4:29 AM on June 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Great well-written story! UPS represents to me a by-the-book company (I used to truck along with UPS drivers, who we called "Charlie Brown" as a cross-country 18-wheeler, so it's cool to know of their flexibility (obviously for a price).
posted by rmmcclay at 4:51 AM on June 8, 2015

If they remake ST IV, it will end with a bunch of Google engineers inventing a new meme they call whaleplanking
posted by Yowser at 5:09 AM on June 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Should have gone by whaleway.
posted by Devonian at 5:11 AM on June 8, 2015 [2 favorites]

Buries the lede.

Where does one order a beluga whale?

(Asking for a friend.)
posted by cjorgensen at 6:26 AM on June 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

Where does one order a beluga whale?

Amazon.
posted by eriko at 6:30 AM on June 8, 2015

amazone brine
posted by cmfletcher at 6:32 AM on June 8, 2015 [14 favorites]

Why the terracotta soldiers needed several tons of whale remains a mystery.
posted by rustcrumb at 6:34 AM on June 8, 2015 [3 favorites]

I understand wanting to give your child a bland, non-controversial name, but I do not understand literally naming your child Bland.
posted by kate blank at 9:16 AM on June 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I do not understand literally naming your child Bland.

It's right there in the article. His dad worked for the CIA. I'd imagine that being called "bland" is pretty high praise for a spy.
posted by schmod at 9:29 AM on June 8, 2015 [1 favorite]

I normally haaaaaaaaaaaaaaate UPS (it's rare that I actually get a package, though I did get my last two without incident so yay, maybe things are improving), but this sounds pretty good.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:39 AM on June 8, 2015

My great-uncle's named Bland. He is anything but.
posted by culfinglin at 8:52 PM on June 9, 2015