The Scariest Story Ever Told
October 28, 2015 9:06 PM Subscribe
At the end of a quiet road, behind a veil of twisted black oak trees, there was a house. A woman lived there. On bitter nights like this one, she sat by the fire and read until she grew tired enough for sleep. But on this night, as her lids grew heavy, she was startled by a sound. A sound she wasn’t accustomed to hearing these days. Who could be calling, she wondered? And this late? She rose from her chair and picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
By Colin Nissan, the fine author of It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.
Previously.
By Colin Nissan, the fine author of It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers.
Previously.
This is perfect.
posted by teponaztli at 9:28 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teponaztli at 9:28 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am actually pretty creeped out by that story.
posted by curious nu at 9:29 PM on October 28, 2015
posted by curious nu at 9:29 PM on October 28, 2015
This story is like a LiveJournal post that got minimally-gussied by an editor. I'm surprised the New Yorker publishes such leaden, lifeless prose these days.
posted by clockzero at 9:30 PM on October 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by clockzero at 9:30 PM on October 28, 2015 [9 favorites]
I thought it was pure gold.
Her actual eyeball?
posted by GuyZero at 9:38 PM on October 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Her actual eyeball?
posted by GuyZero at 9:38 PM on October 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Amazing, A+, would lol again. I kind of wanted more of the adventures of Douglas and Ellen. I don't know what kind of adventures they'd go on, him being a murderer and all, but they had some chemistry!
posted by yasaman at 9:40 PM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by yasaman at 9:40 PM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
Yeah I totally thought Douglas was going to do a heel-face turn and fall in love with Ellen and they'd raise the ghost child together.
"He's going to kill us all... basically."
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 10:20 PM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
"He's going to kill us all... basically."
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 10:20 PM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]
"But doctor" asked Ellen, eyeing the mad scientist, "why did your evil megacorporation have to build their mutant zombie research lab, which is in my basement, on the ruins of the old Abandoned Asylum for Deformed Orphans?"
"There's a reason for that Ellen. To get funding from the military, we had to relocate the bodies of the old Wendigo tribe of demon-possessed native Americans from their burial ground, and we figured a radioactive superfund site would be just the ticket!"
"Look, Ellen" said the masked blood-spattered drifter. "This is pretty fucked. I can put you in touch with a pretty good property lawyer if you want to sue your realtor. He usually asks for human souls but I guess he'll probably do this one pro bono, since it's so open and shut."
"Thanks, Russell, but I'm afraid my realtor retired to an eldritch dimension recently. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to get a legal summons to a malevolent non-euclidean realm beyond human comprehension."
"There are ways" interjected the pulsing blasphemous tumour of tentacular insanity, as it set down a snickerdoodle cookie, "but they aren't cheap and they don't work on Mondays or Wednesdays."....
posted by LeRoienJaune at 10:26 PM on October 28, 2015 [31 favorites]
"There's a reason for that Ellen. To get funding from the military, we had to relocate the bodies of the old Wendigo tribe of demon-possessed native Americans from their burial ground, and we figured a radioactive superfund site would be just the ticket!"
"Look, Ellen" said the masked blood-spattered drifter. "This is pretty fucked. I can put you in touch with a pretty good property lawyer if you want to sue your realtor. He usually asks for human souls but I guess he'll probably do this one pro bono, since it's so open and shut."
"Thanks, Russell, but I'm afraid my realtor retired to an eldritch dimension recently. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to get a legal summons to a malevolent non-euclidean realm beyond human comprehension."
"There are ways" interjected the pulsing blasphemous tumour of tentacular insanity, as it set down a snickerdoodle cookie, "but they aren't cheap and they don't work on Mondays or Wednesdays."....
posted by LeRoienJaune at 10:26 PM on October 28, 2015 [31 favorites]
The tone reminds me of John Bailey Owen.
Everyone in the room breathed a sigh of relief, and took their hands off their swords. All the cabinet members had these awesome mini-swords now. The President had given them as presents, for team building.posted by migurski at 10:42 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
This story is like a LiveJournal post that got minimally-gussied by an editor. I'm surprised the New Yorker publishes such leaden, lifeless prose these days.
Mcbain.gif
posted by Sebmojo at 10:48 PM on October 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
Mcbain.gif
posted by Sebmojo at 10:48 PM on October 28, 2015 [7 favorites]
"Put me on speaker."
posted by jimmythefish at 11:00 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jimmythefish at 11:00 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everyone, you must stop enjoying this writing immediately! It is not good or funny or clever enough! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAA [head explodes]
posted by clockzero at 11:02 PM on October 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by clockzero at 11:02 PM on October 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
It is, however, just exactly the right amount of The New Yorker
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 PM on October 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:09 PM on October 28, 2015 [2 favorites]
Wait, I think I might really like this, what am I doing wrong?
posted by teponaztli at 11:40 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teponaztli at 11:40 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
This can't hold a candle to the special Slimby slimming picture, designed to be the scariest thing ever.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 11:50 PM on October 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 11:50 PM on October 28, 2015 [5 favorites]
I thought it was funny!
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 12:37 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 12:37 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'll forward this to my wife, who'll be most squicked out by the eyeball touching, not the deranged killers or ghosts.
posted by Harald74 at 1:00 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Harald74 at 1:00 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm mostly reminded of Achewood Phillipe's novel writing style. (Would link but can't find the relevant strips).
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:43 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:43 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHETHER IT IS SAFE TO LIKE THIS BEFORE I RISK COMMITTING MY TIME AND EMOTIONAL EFFORT READING SOMETHING THAT HAS NOT YET ACHIEVED CULTURAL CURRENCY
posted by ardgedee at 3:37 AM on October 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by ardgedee at 3:37 AM on October 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
It made me think of the X-Files episode of the Simpsons where Bart tells the campfire story of how much it will cost to send Maggie to college.
These days I'm guessing being out of signal range and not getting 3G is the worst thing you could do to a group of teenagers.
posted by Molesome at 3:50 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
These days I'm guessing being out of signal range and not getting 3G is the worst thing you could do to a group of teenagers.
posted by Molesome at 3:50 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
^thats an awesome idea for a short film.
"NO WIFI WH--oh thank god there are murderous hill folk"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:34 AM on October 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
"NO WIFI WH--oh thank god there are murderous hill folk"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:34 AM on October 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I'm mostly reminded of Achewood Phillipe's novel writing style. (Would link but can't find the relevant strips).
Here you go, and yes, exactly.
posted by ocular shenanigans at 5:04 AM on October 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Here you go, and yes, exactly.
posted by ocular shenanigans at 5:04 AM on October 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
I love how this has all the classic tropes – the call coming from inside the house, the child ghost, the machete murderer, the grumbly Mefite complaining about the quality of writing in the New Yorker…
posted by oliverburkeman at 5:05 AM on October 29, 2015 [67 favorites]
posted by oliverburkeman at 5:05 AM on October 29, 2015 [67 favorites]
No fiction tag?
posted by dr_dank at 6:27 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by dr_dank at 6:27 AM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Fiction tag.
posted by pwally at 6:30 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pwally at 6:30 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
"There are ways" interjected the pulsing blasphemous tumour of tentacular insanity, as it set down a snickerdoodle cookie, "but they aren't cheap and they don't work on Mondays or Wednesdays."....
I first read this as "pulsing blasphemous tumour of testicular insanity" and I was like: Huh. That's something new.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:34 AM on October 29, 2015
I first read this as "pulsing blasphemous tumour of testicular insanity" and I was like: Huh. That's something new.
posted by triggerfinger at 6:34 AM on October 29, 2015
This story is like a LiveJournal post that got minimally-gussied by an editor. I'm surprised the New Yorker publishes such leaden, lifeless prose these days.
There's somebody like this is every writing group, and the only cure for it is to disband the writing group and then start it up again without telling them where.
posted by maxsparber at 6:40 AM on October 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
There's somebody like this is every writing group, and the only cure for it is to disband the writing group and then start it up again without telling them where.
posted by maxsparber at 6:40 AM on October 29, 2015 [16 favorites]
Soooo many flies!
And yes the next installment must include an Indian burial ground.
Wasn't there a man with a hook for a hand? Maybe that's only when Ellen takes a road trip.
I don't usually like shouts and murmurs but this was a good one. My picnics are made of nightmares.
posted by janey47 at 6:43 AM on October 29, 2015
And yes the next installment must include an Indian burial ground.
Wasn't there a man with a hook for a hand? Maybe that's only when Ellen takes a road trip.
I don't usually like shouts and murmurs but this was a good one. My picnics are made of nightmares.
posted by janey47 at 6:43 AM on October 29, 2015
I would loved to have seen this as a classic SNL skit. Use your imagination to assign the roles to the cast...
posted by jim in austin at 7:03 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 7:03 AM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
There's somebody like this is every writing group, and the only cure for it is to disband the writing group and then start it up again without telling them where.
No, they just couldn't meet at the campus center anymore because Oh I see what happened there now.
posted by clockzero at 7:38 AM on October 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
No, they just couldn't meet at the campus center anymore because Oh I see what happened there now.
posted by clockzero at 7:38 AM on October 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
"Actually," the drifter said, "I'd like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn."
posted by Lyn Never at 8:03 AM on October 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 8:03 AM on October 29, 2015 [28 favorites]
I'm surprised the New Yorker publishes such leaden, lifeless prose these days.
It's "lifeless" because they are all ghosts. Right?
posted by sparklemotion at 8:21 AM on October 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's "lifeless" because they are all ghosts. Right?
posted by sparklemotion at 8:21 AM on October 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
SNL skit
As in base, and utterly without humor.
Check.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:30 AM on October 29, 2015
As in base, and utterly without humor.
Check.
posted by humboldt32 at 9:30 AM on October 29, 2015
Tough crowd. I feel like some days metafilter is composed of the Colonel from Monty Python.
posted by happyroach at 11:57 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except perhaps my wife and some of her friends... oh yes and Captain Johnston. Come to think of it most people likes a good laugh more than I do. But that's beside the point.Maybe the story should have ended with an accusation of silliness?
posted by happyroach at 11:57 AM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm unnerved that the clown isn't accounted for by the end.
posted by meandthebean at 1:30 PM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by meandthebean at 1:30 PM on October 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
that's because they used the last-in-first-out method of acclownting! *slide whistle*
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:04 PM on October 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:04 PM on October 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
He was probably picked up by the Clownty Sheriff.
posted by teponaztli at 2:35 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by teponaztli at 2:35 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
SNL skit
Now I'm picturing Vanessa Bayer as Ellen.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:53 PM on October 29, 2015
Now I'm picturing Vanessa Bayer as Ellen.
posted by SisterHavana at 2:53 PM on October 29, 2015
These days I'm guessing being out of signal range and not getting 3G is the worst thing you could do to a group of teenagers.
3G? What year is this, gramps, aught-eight?
posted by entropicamericana at 3:14 PM on October 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
3G? What year is this, gramps, aught-eight?
posted by entropicamericana at 3:14 PM on October 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Loved it. You can guess now why I only wore contacts for a day. Eyeballs are terrifying!
posted by Ruki at 4:07 PM on October 29, 2015
posted by Ruki at 4:07 PM on October 29, 2015
As soon as Douglas said "Come on!" I realized he's supposed to be Will Arnett. Ellen I can definitely see as Amy Poehler. The drifter... I dunno, I guess Will Ferrell? The clown doll is voiced by Mark Hamill, but not in his Joker voice; his grodier "Skips from Regular Show/Crybaby Clown from Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated" voice.
Oh, I forgot about the ghost kid. I dunno, some kid can do that.
posted by branduno at 4:45 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Oh, I forgot about the ghost kid. I dunno, some kid can do that.
posted by branduno at 4:45 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:00 PM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:00 PM on October 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit: "This can't hold a candle to the special Slimby slimming picture, designed to be the scariest thing ever."
I made it through the story alright, but THAT was enough. I am flagging your post, you cruel, cruel, soulless bastard.
posted by Samizdata at 11:47 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I made it through the story alright, but THAT was enough. I am flagging your post, you cruel, cruel, soulless bastard.
posted by Samizdata at 11:47 PM on October 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why the misspelling of Ann Taylor Loft? Is it because it's an alternate universe?
posted by terooot at 7:32 PM on November 1, 2015
posted by terooot at 7:32 PM on November 1, 2015
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My circus of fun.
There’s nowhere to hide.
There’s nowhere to run.
You’re all my guests inside the Big Top.
I’m going to kill you all, basically.
posted by infinitewindow at 9:22 PM on October 28, 2015 [1 favorite]