Apocalypse Bona
July 25, 2016 11:08 AM   Subscribe

The BBC after the bomb. The BBC's War Book contains meticulous plans for the organisation's operations after a nuclear attack on the UK. Ordered to be destroyed after the end of the Soviet Union, a rebellious BBC official quietly transferred it to the corporation's archives. Filled with the sort of mordantly amusing detail common to such documents - the BBC would be run by Radio 4, 'informal clothing' only being required, and an abandoned plan to entertain the nation with Round the Horne and Goon Show repeats - the plans help flesh out the way British bureaucracy faced up to an unknowable future that, at the time, seemed sometimes to be very close indeed. Previously.
posted by Devonian (35 comments total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
 


Inspired by another recent thread, allow me to direct your attention to the extended remix of Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Two Tribes".
posted by The Tensor at 11:27 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


I wonder how much of that would be properly applied. Or the literal backstabbing to get a place ahead on the bunker.


"informal clothing only will be necessary"
Do leather pants, suspenders with spikes and a hockey mask qualify as "informal" ? Because if the world is ending, I wouldn't want to be looking like I'm waiting for a cricket match. I mean, I could wear a shirt if that's important, but...
posted by lmfsilva at 11:33 AM on July 25, 2016 [8 favorites]


There was no special payment for underground duties but the chosen staff could draw £250 cash advance of salary.

Um, thanks?
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:40 AM on July 25, 2016


Do the plans include anything about a quiz show?

Edit: Kitteh beat me to it!
posted by SansPoint at 11:41 AM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


The full script of the nuclear attack announcement (linked in the article) is also interesting reading.
posted by Hypatia at 11:47 AM on July 25, 2016


Apparently broadcasters in the US had some arrangements in place too.

(it's actually a creepypasta from Kris Straub)
posted by edheil at 11:52 AM on July 25, 2016 [4 favorites]


Given the current role of Radio 4 in the apocalypse, it seems that someone has already triggered this in error.
posted by nfalkner at 12:03 PM on July 25, 2016


If British nuclear submarine captains cannot hear the BBC Radio 4 morning current news programme, Today, for a certain number of days, then they have to open the letter from the Prime Minister that says what to do next...
posted by alasdair at 12:18 PM on July 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


Metafilter: Remember there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away.
posted by sudasana at 12:22 PM on July 25, 2016 [3 favorites]


alasdair: I first heard that about Today on Spooks. Is it true?
posted by persona au gratin at 12:29 PM on July 25, 2016


Wikipedia says the origin of that story is the historian Peter Hennessey, who in turn credits an anonymous source. The true orders given to submarine commanders are secret, so who knows?
posted by pharm at 12:41 PM on July 25, 2016


If British nuclear submarine captains cannot hear the BBC Radio 4 morning current news programme, Today, for a certain number of days, then they have to open the letter from the Prime Minister that says what to do next...

2021: Tory cutbacks at the BBC result in the cancellation of Today and the inadvertent start of WW3.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 12:48 PM on July 25, 2016 [14 favorites]


From another thread, here's a mockup of what a BBC nuclear emergency broadcast would look like, which also just happens to be the best argument of why there should be no such thing as a BBC nuclear emergency broadcast.
posted by Eleven at 12:51 PM on July 25, 2016


One of the tidbits in the film A Day Called X (about Portland, Oregon's nuclear evacuation plan and city-funded emergency bunker) includes the cots where everybody in the government-in-exile would sleep after the attack.

I gather the bunker has been abandoned and filled with concrete for years, because that would be some great Fallout-esque spelunking.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 12:57 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


There's worse things in life than Round the Horne and Goon Show repeats.
posted by davros42 at 1:13 PM on July 25, 2016 [5 favorites]


I thought it was ironic that Peter Sellers got his start on the Goon Show and later played Dr Strangelove. He is the true horseman.

Radio 4 got its reputation as the nuclear canary because it's broadcast on longwave from a very powerful transmitter and thus has the largest and most reliable groundwave footprint of any domestic transmissions. The trouble is that very small numbers of people rely on R4LW these days - FM, DAB and internet coverage is nearly universal and much better quality - and in general, LW and MW transmitters are being decomissioned across Europe. R4LW does carry the cricket and some shipping weather reports which aren't available on FM, but are receivable over areas of continental Europe by ex-pats, so it has some currency, but the transmitter relies on a particular valve (tube, y'all) which is no longer available. I think there's one spare, and the BBC has it. So at some point in the reasonably near future, the transmitter will stop working and a new one will be needed.

But nobody makes those transmitters any more, and one at R4's power level will be very expensive to design and build. Plus, it costs a lot to supply the electricity. And practically nobody listens to it.

So it's highly likely that R4LW will go away. The good news is that submarine commanders do not actually rely on it to work out what's going on.
posted by Devonian at 1:50 PM on July 25, 2016 [8 favorites]


Well, the good news is we lived. The bad news is, we're all kinds of f*****-up. Sorry, kids.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:19 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


* signs out *
posted by lmfsilva at 3:22 PM on July 25, 2016


The way things have been going lately, it's a good thing they held onto it. Along with the Threads how-to survival video.
posted by Auden at 4:27 PM on July 25, 2016


That "Red Alert" bit at the end of that mock BBC broadcast seriously scared the heck out of me. Sometimes Cold War nostalgia stuff is quaint and charming in its naivete, but that one is going to keep me awake later.
posted by briank at 4:31 PM on July 25, 2016 [2 favorites]


briank even warned me why did I watch the BBC mockup I need to go look at YouTube videos of puppies or something now halp
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:40 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


So the only way to get Round the Horne and Goon Show repeats is by nuking UK? That sucks.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 4:48 PM on July 25, 2016 [1 favorite]


Hey, want to replace your current nightmares with something a little off-the-wall? Here's a TV spot from the 60s featuring crude and slightly grotesque puppets explaining nuclear preparedness scenarios for farmers.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:24 PM on July 25, 2016


So the only way to get Round the Horne and Goon Show repeats is by nuking UK? That sucks.

You may enjoy this, and also the knowledge that the BBC sell the Goon Show on CD.

Please don't nuke us.
posted by Dysk at 6:14 PM on July 25, 2016


Metafilter: Tungsten Rods Every Six Inches
posted by thewalrus at 6:53 PM on July 25, 2016


Devonian: "But nobody makes those transmitters any more, and one at R4's power level will be very expensive to design and build."

Oddly enough, just the other day somebody in the business mentioned to me that several manufacturers - including Nautel & Thompson - still have high-power (50kW-2MW) LW transmitters in their ranges. Surprised me too…
posted by Pinback at 10:53 PM on July 25, 2016


Three cheers for Michael Hodder's sense of duty to history.
posted by bryon at 11:06 PM on July 25, 2016


the BBC would be run by Radio 4

If only...
posted by Paul Slade at 1:55 AM on July 26, 2016


Really? Who on earth would buy a LW transmitter?

I suppose there's still a market for AM BC HF/MF transmitters, and these days you can broadband the signal chain right up to the finals (if you're not doing everything in the digital domain anyway), so you just have to change out a bit of plumbing to put LF in your catalogue. Even if you sell one a year, it's worthwhile.

So perhaps when they replace the Trident boats, they'll still have a Bush DAC90 in the captain's quarters, just in case...
posted by Devonian at 2:40 AM on July 26, 2016


Interesting stuff.

Kitteh and SansPoint: I needed some M & W to kick start my day.Thanks!
posted by james33 at 3:51 AM on July 26, 2016




The story of the BBC LW transmitter being dependent on a dwindling supply of special valves doesn't appear to be entirely true as they can still be made to order by the manufacturer. It's just getting less and less cost effective to maintain, though the BBC's maintenance contract with Arqiva is reported to have another four years to run.

There's a lot about the history of the site here.
posted by kerplunk at 9:02 AM on July 26, 2016


Interesting stuff about the RSGs (Regional Seats of Government). There was one up the hill from where I grew up, the Barnton Quarry bunker.

It seems to have been taken over by the local Council towards the end of the Cold War, then sold to a developer in the early Nineties. There was a big fire set by vandals in there as well as a load of asbestos, so by the time I was old enough to be messing about in the woods and climbing over rapidly rusting fences, it was a creepy, graffiti-covered burned out shell.

I suspect that most of the people doomed to these bunkers would have had a similar experience to the ill-fated Council officers in Threads - a few weeks of intense argument, grief and fear in dusty, fetid concrete rooms where nothing worked, dwindling rations, then death from starvation, radiation, lack of oxygen or all three.

But at least they wouldn't need to wear a tie, eh?
posted by Happy Dave at 2:45 AM on July 27, 2016 [1 favorite]


Years ago, there was a Punch cartoon picturing a council official showing someone round an expensive-looking underground bunker. "In the event of nuclear armageddon, these facilities will allow us to continue the normal functions of local government uninterrupted," he explained.

One of the two doors visible in the cartoon was labelled "Planning Permission" and the other one "Dog Licences".
posted by Paul Slade at 9:37 AM on July 27, 2016


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