tea and mealworms

November 9, 2018 10:11 PM

Reading the Old Testament of Sonic The Hedgehog

Let me tell you about a little thing known as “The Sonic Bible,” a beautiful, wonderful and bonkers version of Sonic lore developed by Sega of America. The Sonic Bible was an internal document made during Sonic the Hedgehog’s localization that invented a backstory for the world and characters of the game. Sega of America developed the document because Sega’s Japanese headquarters hadn’t provided them with any original lore—a common situation at the time, but possibly a result of the ongoing disputes and rivalry between the two branches.

Sonic The Hedgehog "Bible" at:
Sonic Retro and SR Forums
Archive.org
Sega-16 Forums
NeoGAF
and a scanned PDF

Sonic The Hedgehog Bible: Never Before Revealed Secret Origins -

The Bible, which went through several drafts, reads amazingly like fan fiction. One version has Sonny "Sonic" Hedgehog growing up in Hardly, Nebraska, where he lives with his family under a hedge beside a burger joint and plays pranks at a local bowling alley. A track coach takes notice of Sonic's speed and convinces him to join Hardly's track team.

Another draft has Sonic learning all his abilities from forest friends, picking up speed from Johnny Lightfoot the rabbit, and developing his Super Sonic Spin Attack with Chirps the chicken.

All of the stories detail Sonic's first meeting with Dr. Ovi Kintobor, who is trying to save the planet by searching for the Grey Emerald to stabilize the evil Chaos Emeralds he's collected. Kintobor initially befriends the hedgehog, helping Sonic train on a supersonic treadmill and lending him a pair of friction-reducing red sneakers.

Sonic's blue quills are explained with the "Advanced Non-Concussive Cobalt Effect" after he manages to run 186 thousand miles per second. There's also a cute explanation for all the computers scattered around the series' stages:

posted by the man of twists and turns (11 comments total)

Fast forward several hundred years and we have Martin Luther nailing his theses on “Why Miles ‘Tails’ Prower is the real hero” on cathedral doors
posted by fallingbadgers at 12:24 AM on November 10, 2018 [14 favorites]

Good lord, that “Kintobor” stuff wasn’t just a one-off from some EGM comic or something like that? Also, why do I even remember that
posted by DoctorFedora at 4:03 AM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

"As a result of breaking the sound barrier, Sonic’s spines were fused together into spikes and his fur turned blue, transforming him into the Sonic we know and love today."

Just like in real life.
posted by Fizz at 4:30 AM on November 10, 2018 [4 favorites]

186,000 miles per second.

It's not just a good idea... it's the law!
posted by hippybear at 5:42 AM on November 10, 2018

Oh man, I was looking forward to reading this, then realized I’d totally confused Sonic the Hedgehog with Wonder Warthog. Two different... er... universes. I got a paragraph into it before doing a little WTF? I guess I need more coffee.
posted by Devils Rancher at 6:24 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

> Wonder Warthog

Known for the classic film "Akira, the Bath of Zod"
posted by idiopath at 6:59 AM on November 10, 2018 [2 favorites]

the title of this post has gotten "Suzanne" by Leonard Cohen stuck in my head. but, like, a version of Suzanne that's just wrong.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 8:43 AM on November 10, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm still not convinced Sonic was a good game. I feel like it's success was the product of limited and poor quality competition.
posted by Brocktoon at 10:21 AM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Good lord, that “Kintobor” stuff wasn’t just a one-off from some EGM comic or something like that?

I thought it was something David Gonterman made up.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 11:31 AM on November 10, 2018

And it came to pass, that Sonic was taken from this zone to another zone...
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:34 PM on November 10, 2018 [3 favorites]

Meanwhile, they are making a live action Sonic movie with Jim Carrey where He’s a juvenile delinquent on the adventures in a pretty straight rural environment with a local policeman which doesn't match any of the Sonic Bible nor the stories in any of the games, comics, or cartoons.

It is as though they had some boring juvenile delinquent/cop buddy movie script and wondered how to make it interesting. "What are kids interested in these days? Hey, my son's always playing some hedgehog video game, why don't we put him in it?"
posted by eye of newt at 11:38 PM on November 10, 2018