Somebody fucked Kip Winger?

February 17, 2003 12:52 AM

If you get the chance to sleep with the former bass guitarist from Guns N' Roses, but aren't sure if it'll be worth the trip to the free clinic two weeks later, Donna Anderson of Metal Sludge webzine has put together the following list of brief reviews of 228 of hair metal (among other genres)'s most wanted men. Read, commit to memory, then hit the Sunset Strip. Leave your dignity at home, but remember to bring some condoms.
posted by jonson (22 comments total)

I was just wondering about Flea's erectile ability... well now I know...
posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 1:35 AM on February 17, 2003

I read about 18 entries and now I feel the need to bathe in Clorox. Gag.
posted by Dreama at 2:57 AM on February 17, 2003

So you want to be a rock and roll star?
Then listen now to what I say.
Just get an electric guitar
Then take some time
And learn how to play.
And with your hair swung right,
And your pants too tight

It'll be all right
Just take a bath
And give oral back

You gotta cuddle them
And wear a condom
And buy them breakfast

And if you do alright
then you make Donna's chart
The girls'll tear you apart.
posted by ?! at 5:18 AM on February 17, 2003

This is a hilarious read. He will even wear 2 condoms if you ask him to. So I guess you could say he's a "double-bagger"?

But I can't possibly believe the size claims. I think the women submitting their reports must have bought into one too many penthouse forum stories. Statistically speaking there just really aren't that many of us blessed with the size of tool that appears to be standard equipment among the rock stars.
posted by vito90 at 6:08 AM on February 17, 2003

Some of those reports are just mean.
posted by RylandDotNet at 6:37 AM on February 17, 2003

I wonder how many of these dudes are bragging to their fellow Burger King employees about this list?

"I used to BE somebody!"
posted by bondcliff at 6:39 AM on February 17, 2003

And there's me believing all that late-20th century stuff that that doesn't really matter...
posted by rolo at 7:34 AM on February 17, 2003

Sorry - correction - that should have been "And there's me believing all that late-20th century stuff that SIZE doesn't really matter".
posted by rolo at 7:35 AM on February 17, 2003

In the future the sexes of the human species will differentiate into rock stars and groupies. Men will have the urge to go out at night to form bands and make a lot of noise, women will hear the the mating call and after the show try to get and the performers to have sex with the ones they find most attractive. No will know or understand why they do this, it'll just be reflex.
posted by wobh at 8:09 AM on February 17, 2003

Oh and, "After he's done, he kills you in the name of Satan."

Good thing to know!
posted by wobh at 8:24 AM on February 17, 2003

This is exactly the type of post I expect from you, jonson.
posted by me3dia at 8:30 AM on February 17, 2003

me3dia, happy to oblige! What will be next in my series of cock related posts?
posted by jonson at 9:52 AM on February 17, 2003

What will be next in my series of cock related posts?

I'm not sure, but I'd wager it would either be something about how Black guys are bigger or Asians are smarrer.
posted by vito90 at 10:16 AM on February 17, 2003

Vito, there's no need to trash up this highbrow thread with those kinds of hurtful stereotypes. Take your hatred of the yellow man somewhere else!
posted by jonson at 10:31 AM on February 17, 2003

Dear God. Thank you jonson, for:

1: Confirming the straight guys on Mefi's worst fears about women, and
2: Possibly putting me off heterosex for the rest of my life.

The only problem is when you're having sex with him you get the impression he's performing for 20,000 screaming fans. I have honestly never seen anyone look more retarded while having an orgasm. I thought he was having a seizure. Overall I'd give him a 9 in the sack, even though it was all I could do to keep from laughing when he came.
posted by jokeefe at 11:19 AM on February 17, 2003

What's a dirty onion ring?
posted by monkeymike at 12:07 PM on February 17, 2003

If you need more information upon which to base your decision, be sure to check out the Bulge Report. Sometimes, they do have armadillos in their trousers, those rock'n'roll (and movie, and sports) stars.

The Bulge Report probably isn't safe for work or anyone who suffers penis envy, or who doesn't want to focus on the packages of male celebrities. You have been warned. There be dragons there. Unsafe. Penises may be larger than they appear. Etc.
posted by WolfDaddy at 12:54 PM on February 17, 2003

No Doubt aren't a metal or hard rock band, but since Tony has a 10 inch cock and plays the bass, I thought I'd include him for those of you who listen to a variety of music.

so funny.
posted by ifjuly at 2:55 PM on February 17, 2003

I remember reading this list two or three years ago. It's updated, nice. The best line is about Fuzz, from Disturbed:

Also known to be a dick and incredibly self absorbed, as well as wearing extremly tight pants.
posted by qbert72 at 7:38 PM on February 17, 2003

Is there a female version of this somewhere? Can't wait to see the entries on Britney and Christina.
posted by charlesv at 8:18 AM on February 18, 2003

Can't wait to see the entries on Britney and Christina.

Well, I've done them both, so I'll give a quick report...

Britney - I came immediately, couldn't tell you if that poonani was any good.

Christina - I came immediately, couldn't tell you if that poonani was any good either. But she was mad I got some of that "stuff" on her.
posted by vito90 at 1:14 PM on February 18, 2003

Honestly, between the two of them, I would have thought Britney more likely to get angry at "stuff" touching her. Christina frequently appears either apparently covered in it, or about to be so, from her videos.
posted by jonson at 1:56 PM on February 18, 2003