Now it's time to KICK SOME BACK!

May 23, 2004 1:27 AM

The Martialist- The magazine for those who fight unfairly.
posted by Space Coyote (28 comments total)

Meh. A lot of over-aggressive tripe mixed in with basic self-defense techniques, and interviews with those who are vastly more qualified (and thus, more sensible) than the author.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:03 AM on May 23, 2004

YaN: Pretty much. i just find the whole tone of the site hilarious.
posted by Space Coyote at 2:11 AM on May 23, 2004

I especially like the bit where the "gun disarms" are nothing more than basic knife disarms, prefaced with "you are very likely to be shot if you try this."

Goddamn stupid.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:15 AM on May 23, 2004

To train yourself requires a great commitment to amassing a large library of video of text references, spending time on solo training drills, and praying a lot.

Heh.
posted by Yelling At Nothing at 2:17 AM on May 23, 2004

Eew.

When I was a teenager, I would have loved this.

But now I'm 34. I spent 10 years hanging out in bars late at night (and walking home) as a musician. I am not hugely imposing. Yet since the age of 12, I have been in a violent confrontation once, in which incident my hat was stolen. The lifestyle espoused in that site seems like a tremendous waste of my effort and time. My current self defense strategy is to be polite, strong and fit enough to talk my way out of trouble, or run away extremely fast, if necessary knocking down anyone in my way.

I'm still interested in the phyical discipline of martial arts, but this is creepy and obsessive. I sense the author(s) get off on hurting people but need the cover of self defense to practise it.

It could be humorous to leaf through this for a little while, but I wouldn't want to get any on me.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 2:20 AM on May 23, 2004

i'll never forget this crazy guy i knew named sam mazie. he reminds me a lot of this dude.

sam was always huffing on about his mad martial arts skillz. one night sam had the profoundly bad luck to be in a beer store when some crackhead walked in with a gun, intent on acquiring some fundage.

according to local tv reports (possibly embellished, but consistent with what i knew of sam), sam stepped forward, screeched some meaningless shit like he was in a weird kung fu movie, and struck an agressive martial arts pose. the guy swung his gun and shot sam in the face, fleeing with a fistful of cash. the guy was never caught. sam didn't even know the store owner, who didn't attend sam's funeral two days later.

i hope this asshole comes to his senses, or never finds himself in such a situation, because he's nothing but a danger to those around his sorry ass.
posted by quonsar at 3:10 AM on May 23, 2004

His attitude reminds me of Monty Python's Welsh martial art of Llap-Goch: "The BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him before he attacks YOU . . . Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!!"
posted by raygirvan at 4:20 AM on May 23, 2004

I've always wanted a word for "martial arts" guys like this one, but I'm not sure if "martialist" is tongue-in-cheeck enough.
posted by Eamon at 6:01 AM on May 23, 2004

I got a bad vibe about this guy just from his pictures on the linked-to page. Like maybe he got the snot beaten out of him in the locker room at Phys Ed or something and he's been refighting that encounter in his head for twenty-five years after.

I've been in a couple of close scrapes and all I can really say is, 99% of keeping your hide intact is situational awareness to avoid or evade situations before they get critical; the other 1% is basically to run like hell or, if trapped, turn into a fucking crazed wild animal and fight like one -- picture what a 60-lb. dog can do to a 225-lb. man and you'll get the general idea.
posted by alumshubby at 6:18 AM on May 23, 2004

This is unfortunate. People will take this information, put themselves through training and then react when the time comes. Most likely react poorly and someone will get hurt, and for nothing. It's nice to see a lot of the responses here include 'walk away' type advice.
This is a disgrace to be associated with martial arts.
posted by fluffycreature at 7:54 AM on May 23, 2004

His webbing technique is unbeatable !

The 4 image sequence is stunning and can be described as follows

1) I disguised a gun behind my very fat ass, where da hell is the gun, where is da ass. Which is which dammit!

2) I finally had a much needed hand washing check out my rosy palm

3) I feel like I'm Superman ! Wooosh !

4) Correct usage of flash will make your eyes look like you're devil incarnate. Always bring a defensive flash with you !
posted by elpapacito at 8:10 AM on May 23, 2004

Half the people in my karate dojo could do better than this guy. And probably not get killed in the process.

He's a lot like some of the lower-ranking students: he knows just enough to think he knows it all.
posted by tommasz at 8:43 AM on May 23, 2004

Hey look at that over there!!!

*pokes Space Coyote in the eye*

just kidding ;)
posted by carter at 8:45 AM on May 23, 2004

1) I disguised a gun behind my very fat ass

He's clearly from the Samo Hung school of fighting.
posted by crank at 8:53 AM on May 23, 2004

Ooh! He's got him right where he wants him.

Give up? Give up?


posted by gottabefunky at 9:36 AM on May 23, 2004

You can avoid most fights by making yourself out to be way more trouble than you're worth.

It's worked for me many times. Then again, I think I have my dick in the peanut butter because I'm fuckin' nuts.
posted by Dark Messiah at 10:53 AM on May 23, 2004

I've been digging through the site and I seem to find myself agreeing with a lot of what it has to say. I'm not a violence-monger, but one of the authors (James Keating) seems to have a very commendable stance. This article is what I am talking about; it deals with knife-fighters and their training, and I thought the message was pretty good.

The Dark Side is the end. It's not where your good guy knife fighter’s manual and roadmap to happiness should take you. YOU should strive to act and appear sane. Keep knife skills and knives hidden from public sight. Only you should know. Use these weapons only when it's appropriate.

Even then, think twice.

He doesn't sound quite as indoctrinating and aggressive as the magazine's owner.
posted by Dark Messiah at 11:09 AM on May 23, 2004

YOU should strive to act and appear sane

Because obviously, you're insane.
posted by elpapacito at 12:04 PM on May 23, 2004

Where is the guide to disappearing ninja-style in a puff of smoke and reappearing behind your enemy and taking his gun out of his fat-ass and blowing him away.

Also, I saw those 'fighting sticks' on a different web page and this really hot girl had them, but what she was doing with them didn't look like fighting to me, but whatever it was I liked it.
posted by mokujin at 12:05 PM on May 23, 2004

Just got through reading some of the articles, myself, and I have to say -- the 'publisher' appears to be completely inept where self-defense is concerned (for proof, just read his article entitled "Sportfighting is the problem"; a false dilemma, really).

He's also pretty obviously in love with himself. I've never seen so many self-portraits.
posted by Kikkoman at 12:37 PM on May 23, 2004

Here's a lesson from the Will Pate school of violence avoidance:

Do your best Hunter S. Thompson impression. The absolute confusion it creates in your opponent causes him to give up because he knows he'll get nothing useful out of you. Works wonders with drunks.
posted by will at 2:58 PM on May 23, 2004

Nah, Dark Messiah, that Keating guy sounds like another jerk:

What happened to the protectors? Where are the real blade men? Those who save life, who act in accord with the law -- those who use their abilities to make sure life goes on?

Yeah, right, where did they go, all those guys who carried knives so they could protect the innocent? You know, those, uh, guys.

The last sizable fight I was in (years ago, now), one of my "side" (ok, it was me) got hit in the forehead with a bottle and went to the ER a bloody mess, accompanied by another who merely got the crap kicked out of him; this in spite of the fact that two of our cohort were (quite legally) carrying guns, and one is a black belt in a very self-defense-oriented martial art (and a cop).

The fact is, in any situation so dire that you could justifiably defend yourself with a weapon, you won't have time to realize that and deploy it. Nowhere on that site's editorial matter or forums, so far as I can see, is there a story about any of these assholes actually winning any fights, or for that matter losing or avoiding any.
posted by nicwolff at 4:46 PM on May 23, 2004

He's also pretty obviously in love with himself. I've never seen so many self-portraits.

and there isn't a single one in which he doesn't look like some crazed maniac (not to say that he necessarily is one, but he certainly looks the part).
posted by juv3nal at 6:18 PM on May 23, 2004

Yeah, right, where did they go, all those guys who carried knives so they could protect the innocent? You know, those, uh, guys.

To be fair, I believe he was speaking more in regards to the traditions and history passed down with the Filipino blade techniques. His article was more of a critique of shoddy instructors, merely teaching people how to kill. That's how I read it, anyway.
posted by Dark Messiah at 7:34 PM on May 23, 2004

mokujin> Also, I saw those 'fighting sticks' on a different web page and this really hot girl had them...

Once I was sparring with a girl I really, really liked. No contact for me, partial contact for her (I was instructing). I got *ahem* a little bit distracted and she NAILED me with a spinning hook kick (a.k.a. the kick least likely to make contact with anything, ever). The first thing that hit the ground was my dignity, the second thing was my upper back.
posted by snarfodox at 8:00 PM on May 23, 2004

He's less completely daffy than the chubby guy with the Coke-bottle glasses who runs the site, but he's still teaching supposedly-legal "self-defense" knife-fighting techniques, and that's still silly.
posted by nicwolff at 8:02 PM on May 23, 2004

Everyone should spend more time on the mat, perhaps even in lieu of spending time on the website.
posted by ewkpates at 7:35 AM on May 24, 2004

I don't even know what to say to this paragraph found on the site:

I actually know of a guy that took steroids off and on and could bench press around 500 lbs. He could actually grab a guy and throw him across a large sized room and into the wall. He could also disfigure your face and knock you out cold without much effort because of his strength and the experience he picked up from countless street fights. He was well known on the streets as a guy not to be fucked with. One day he got fucked up on some pretty heavy drugs, went to a public place with the sole intent to inflict pain, and ended up nearly beating a pregnant woman (that he didn't know) to death. He's now back in jail, probably getting worse. He's a killer, killing time. The odds are low that you'll have to deal with a super predator like him, but don't discount it. I bet getting savagely beaten was the last thing on that pregnant woman's mind.

posted by ericrolph at 1:06 AM on May 25, 2004