Hardboiled Men's Magazines

December 27, 2006 4:06 PM

Yet another interesting Flickr Photoset; this time pulpy covers from hard-boiled Men's Magazines for True Men, addressing the key issues of the day, like "Do college girls enjoy panty raids," and exposing the fabulous secrets of the Nazi love camps.
posted by jonson (62 comments total)

"Do college girls enjoy panty raids?"

Good question. Somebody should post this to Yahoo Answers.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:19 PM on December 27, 2006

d00d OF COURSE d00d. OMFG.
posted by koeselitz at 4:20 PM on December 27, 2006

With an excellent crystalization of our discussion regarding the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in that "True Men" link:

WE'LL GET THOSE JAPS IF EVERY MAN AND WOMAN ON THIS ISLAND HAS TO DIE!
posted by koeselitz at 4:22 PM on December 27, 2006

I got distracted on that link wondering about the article about how to spot a dame who has to have sex. I imagine there's some sort of visual or auditory clue, perhaps a lustful howling from her nether regions...
posted by jonson at 4:28 PM on December 27, 2006

"She's presenting like a Mandrill!"
posted by sourwookie at 4:39 PM on December 27, 2006 [3 favorites]

Speaking of "man drill"...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:40 PM on December 27, 2006

That gal on the cover of "Frolic"?
My mom.
posted by Dizzy at 4:44 PM on December 27, 2006

"Do college girls enjoy panty raids,"

Raid in panties, now?? We were just getting past the Lysol douche fiasco. You people need to stop getting freaky in the cleaning products aisle, really.

*cough*

Anyways, panty raids. What a refreshing relic of a time when nobody actually ever got laid. Maybe, it's time they we revived the tradition, just for the retro cachet. If the ladies arent willing, you can swing by my pad and swipe some plaid cotton/poly boxers.
posted by jonmc at 4:44 PM on December 27, 2006

I'm interested in the 10 sex secrets of Japanese gals.
posted by birdherder at 4:44 PM on December 27, 2006

Secret number one: DON'T SLEEP WITH PEOPLE WHO BOMB YOU
posted by koeselitz at 4:46 PM on December 27, 2006

I want to know about escaping from the harlots of Hong Kong.
posted by jokeefe at 4:48 PM on December 27, 2006

THIGH
........I
.......G
.......H
posted by brownpau at 4:49 PM on December 27, 2006

You went to Thigh High, brownpau? They had a lousy football team, but the chicks were friendly. Not like the Buttock High girls, though...
posted by jonmc at 4:52 PM on December 27, 2006

These titles:
"An Army of Naked Women Was Screaming for My Blood"
"Dig My Grave on the Beach"
"The Dixie Belle Who Saved Richmond"
Much manly manliness I tell you.
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:52 PM on December 27, 2006

well, the last one is sorta not very manly on reflection
posted by nj_subgenius at 4:54 PM on December 27, 2006

secret number two: GUYS LOVE GIRLS WHO GLOW IN THE DARK
posted by pyramid termite at 4:58 PM on December 27, 2006

Much manly manliness I tell you.

"Gay? Hell no! We're just practicing."
posted by maxwelton at 4:58 PM on December 27, 2006

LICE AND LESBIANS! THE DISGRACE OF WOMEN'S PRISONS!!!

Damn, this is addictive.
posted by jokeefe at 4:59 PM on December 27, 2006

Lousy Licebians.
posted by jonmc at 5:07 PM on December 27, 2006

Dear Lord, this looks like a still from some low budget horror movie involving hitchhikers.

On the other hand, it's remarkable how ordinary their models look-- just like regular gals...

Other generation's fantasies are strange... even though the raw material is instantly recognizable (the infinite supply of willing women, a certain misogynist streak with all the sadistic titillation, bravery and individual manly heroism) the shapes that it gets bent into really do seem like something from a different world. I suppose our decendants will find ours just as odd (pimps, Cadillacs, the Playboy Mansion, etc.).
posted by jokeefe at 5:08 PM on December 27, 2006

[idle thought] Was it Hugh Hefner who brought these kinds of fantasties indoors? From a quick look through these covers, it seems like there's still a huge reliance on this idea of not just manly type activities out in the woods, but the idea of exploring or seeing new parts of the world (The Man-Starved Women of Lesbos!). There's a fair amount of pirates and exposes of the Mysterious East and so on. But Playboy was all about hanging out in your bachelor pad and making out with a different girl each night, while you spun your jazz records and sipped brandy while leaning up against silken pillows, right? [/idle thought]
posted by jokeefe at 5:14 PM on December 27, 2006

But Playboy was all about hanging out in your bachelor pad and making out with a different girl each night, while you spun your jazz records and sipped brandy while leaning up against silken pillows, right? [/idle thought]

Thankfully Larry Flynt came along and changed the scenario to the back of a pickup, Merle Haggard 45's, Budweiser and threw in the occasional chicken.
posted by jonmc at 5:16 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

^^^

Erm, not all at once, of course. Though I suppose you got extra points for trying.

Further idle thought-- the adventures in these men's magazines were Adventures, no? Escape from prison camp, that sort of thing. The value in the stories is about experience. By the time Playboy came along, it was primarily about the consumer goods you owned, no?

Are there any manly men out there who can shed light? Do men still buy magazines full of adventure stories? Or are men's adventures nothing any longer about the great outdoors? Have they become totally domesticated?

......ramble.......
posted by jokeefe at 5:18 PM on December 27, 2006

Ha! Thank you for the clarification, jon.
posted by jokeefe at 5:20 PM on December 27, 2006

By the time Playboy came along, it was primarily about the consumer goods you owned, no?

playboy started in 1953, so it's roughly contemporary

Do men still buy magazines full of adventure stories?

no, they go online to play WoW
posted by pyramid termite at 5:28 PM on December 27, 2006

I don't think men buy magazines at all any more, jokeefe. I couldn't imagine doing so myself. However, I do read quite a lot of adventure-related books.

Cryptonomicon is a great example of an adventure novel dressed in more intellectual clothing. Of course, part of it takes place during WWII... In fact, many of the examples of adventure-like reading material I could think of are all in some way historical fiction, or sci-fi / fantasy. Maybe in real life everyone is domesticated, so all adventures must take place in other time periods, or other worlds. I can't think of anything good I've read in the past few years that took place in the modern day and had a real adventurous streak, but I don't get a lot of reading done these days.
posted by synaesthetichaze at 5:32 PM on December 27, 2006

Are there any manly men out there who can shed light?

You rang?

Do men still buy magazines full of adventure stories? Or are men's adventures nothing any longer about the great outdoors? Have they become totally domesticated?

Nah these days it's all about the porn and the beer. The closest equivalent would be gangster/shoot-em-up movies. Otherwise, we're all just couch spuds, now.
posted by jonmc at 5:41 PM on December 27, 2006

and threw in the occasional chicken.

Ah, the occasional chicken. I seem to recall an excellent img that relates to that...
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:57 PM on December 27, 2006

Metafilter: Guys, Gals, and Giggle Juice
Metafilter: Hate-the-U.S. Foreign Ingrates
Metafilter: The Latest Poaching Ground of the Violent Homosexual
Metafilter: Why Normal People Commit Suicide

It's just too easy.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:03 PM on December 27, 2006

I like how the graphic design on the southeast stories seems to imply that the sex lives of japanese girls is some how responsible for the idle California diamond mine.
posted by drezdn at 6:03 PM on December 27, 2006

I suppose our decendants will find ours just as odd (pimps, Cadillacs, the Playboy Mansion, etc.).

Why wait that long? I think those things are odd now.
posted by JHarris at 6:12 PM on December 27, 2006

It isn't?
posted by Bixby23 at 6:15 PM on December 27, 2006

that is to say, the sex lives of Japanese girls is responsible for the idle California diamond mine. Right? Cool.
posted by Bixby23 at 6:17 PM on December 27, 2006

I suppose our decendants will find ours just as odd (pimps, Cadillacs, the Playboy Mansion, etc.).

Why wait that long? I think those things are odd now.

Well, truth be told, all the surrounding phenomena of porn are less neccessary now. When you can summon a 34DD blonde in a fishnet catsuit in a few mouse clicks, you become less inclined to construct elaborate justifications, I gues.
posted by jonmc at 6:23 PM on December 27, 2006

I'm interested in the 10 sex secrets of Japanese gals.

I'm convinced, given the idle misogyny & racism present on all these that sex secret #1 = sideways cooters.
posted by jonson at 6:26 PM on December 27, 2006 [1 favorite]

I have several issues of some of those old magazines, and I am sad to report that the "centerfolds", such as they were, fall very low on the jackability index. They were usually black and white, and the models were often "frumpy". They never showed beev, of course, and funbaggage was often covered as well.

If given a choice, I sooner spank to Vanity Fair.
posted by Tube at 6:43 PM on December 27, 2006

I Was The Lust Slave Of The Cobra Goddess

I Battled The Blood-Hungry Hell Cultists

Raw Meat For The Jaws Of Hell

Truth About Abnormal Love Impulses

My Wild Escape From The Harlots Of Hong Kong

I Pinch Hit For Tired Husbands

TRAPPED! BY! THE! SLAVE! TRADING! NYMPHOS! OF! THE! NILE!

Dudes, I can feel a testosterone surge coming on . . .

Oh! I think I got a woody.
posted by jason's_planet at 6:52 PM on December 27, 2006

I wonder how some of these illustrators started out. Did they think they were going to be the next Norman Rockwell? And then rent came due and soon some J Jonah Jameson is screaming over your artboard "MAKE THE TITS BIGGA!"
posted by hal9k at 7:01 PM on December 27, 2006

They sure make it look like fun to be a Nazi.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 7:10 PM on December 27, 2006

A few musings:
1) 35¢ — such a bargain! Even the poorest teen ... er, "lust-crazed J.D." could afford an ish.
2) This thread is useless much less useful without the img tag.
3) These babies had editors: note the correct use of its on the cover.
posted by rob511 at 7:20 PM on December 27, 2006

i have a couple of copies of more, um, specialized magazines that deal with stories of young ladies who are somewhat tortured, or at least threatened with torture by sadistic villains before being rescued or reprieved or escaping or at least given the rest of the day off ... the ladies in question are depicted in illustrations with little clothing, mean looking men and dangerous looking whips and other things

these were mixed in with a bunch of science fiction magazines, like fantastic and galaxy etc etc and i just had to add them to the collection

reading them was a trip ... what kind of perverts bought every issue of this stuff and how many women did they kill? ... and what kind of drunken 1/2 a word monkeys with typewriters were pounding this shit out in between stays in the county drunk tank?

unfortunately, they're buried in literally hundreds of old f&sf, analog, galaxy, if, fantastic, amazing, asimov's, venture etc magazines and i don't have the energy to look for them now

it's a pity ... we're talking seriously creepy here
posted by pyramid termite at 7:26 PM on December 27, 2006

Beats the hell outta "My Weekly Reader".
posted by Dizzy at 7:36 PM on December 27, 2006

My hugely repressed father-in-law had a secret stash of these in the garage. They were his porn. I snagged them when he died and use them sometimes in my history classes.
posted by LarryC at 8:24 PM on December 27, 2006

As a homosexual man who happens to have a fairly impressive collection of vintage Playboys ("for the articles", natch*), I find this fascinating! Especially such featured titles as "REVEALED -- THE COMING HOMOSEXUAL EXPLOSION OF THE '70s", and (all on the same cover): "NYMPHO QUEENS WHO RULE THE DREADED MAFIA!", "BIZARRE SEX KICKS of those JET SET HE-MEN", and "MAN-EATING COUGARS WANTED OUR FLESH!"

In other words, am I the only one who sees a bit of (latent/patent) homo-eroticism in some of these? (I'll admit it could be projection, but come on, in some of the illustrations the guys are the hawt and the chicks are the meh.)

I mean, I knew Hef was trying to break down barriers and taboos, but I had no idea that there were these kinds of rags were hep to that scene!

*Actually, a specialized collection for the fiction.
posted by trip and a half at 8:35 PM on December 27, 2006

er... "these kinds of rags that were hep to that scene"
posted by trip and a half at 8:37 PM on December 27, 2006

I prefer my pr0n over-easy.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:46 PM on December 27, 2006

In other words, am I the only one who sees a bit of (latent/patent) homo-eroticism in some of these? (I'll admit it could be projection, but come on, in some of the illustrations the guys are the hawt and the chicks are the meh.)

Some of them are less latent than others. "Man to Man: the STAG Magazine?" "Are some men abnormally lucky?" "I Ate Mammoth Meat?"

And I'd just like to say that it really restores my faith in humanity to know that there was once a magazine entitled Man's Smashing Stories.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 8:52 PM on December 27, 2006

In other words, am I the only one who sees a bit of (latent/patent) homo-eroticism in some of these?

well, i thought this was interesting
posted by pyramid termite at 9:05 PM on December 27, 2006

So I guess I'm not the only one. Another one that interested me was this issue of Exposé featuring, at the top, "WHY NORMAL PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE" and, as one of two main features (be sure to check out the other one, as well), "WHY HOMOSEXUALS SEEK JOBS IN MENTAL HOSPITALS"
posted by trip and a half at 9:22 PM on December 27, 2006

"WHY HOMOSEXUALS SEEK JOBS IN MENTAL HOSPITALS"

Does it have something to do with fruitcakes?
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 9:58 PM on December 27, 2006

no, i think it has to do with all the straightjackets
posted by pyramid termite at 10:04 PM on December 27, 2006

Heh. You guys are so gay. fruity. double-breasted.
posted by trip and a half at 10:16 PM on December 27, 2006

I went to a nazi love camp once. Disappointing to say the least. Too much nazi and camp, not nearly enough love.
posted by slimepuppy at 12:30 AM on December 28, 2006

I love how the positioning of "WHY NORMAL PEOPLE COMMIT SUICIDE" makes it look like the magazine's tagline.

Exposé: Why Normal People Commit Suicide!

It makes me want to start up a magazine just to use that as its slogan.
posted by flashboy at 2:01 AM on December 28, 2006

The same applies for "Man's Story: Deliver Your Virgins Or We Burn The Town", by the way. That's a hell of an advertising pitch.
posted by flashboy at 2:04 AM on December 28, 2006

As a homosexual man who happens to have a fairly impressive collection of vintage Playboys....am I the only one who sees a bit of (latent/patent) homo-eroticism in some of these?

As a heterosexual man who has a fairly impressive collection of vintage sports cards..am I the only one who sees a bit of (latent/patent) hetero-eroticism in your Playboy collection?
posted by jonmc at 6:44 AM on December 28, 2006

Oh Patsy May, where are you now?
posted by NationalKato at 7:20 AM on December 28, 2006

Do men still buy magazines full of adventure stories?

Men's Journal and Outside seem to be doing okay, although they're mostly for the gadget freaks among us who lust after Gore-tex and titanium anything.

Whoops! Now I'm projecting!
posted by Standeck at 8:11 AM on December 28, 2006

Do men still buy magazines full of adventure stories?

no, they go online to play WoW

Hence the reference to Panty Raids.
posted by thanotopsis at 8:27 AM on December 28, 2006

Hence the reference to Panty Raids.

That would be raids done in panties, yes? There is an orc on one of the WoW servers who raids naked (i.e. in just his underwear). Would he count, or is it only if us women do it?
posted by Deoridhe at 11:18 AM on December 28, 2006

I always just thought everybody on the WoW servers was just in their underwear.
posted by koeselitz at 11:45 AM on December 28, 2006

Yes, this is manly. "We'll draw straws to figure out who goes first:"

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bittercinema/219305462/in/set-72157594243209446/
posted by portisfreak at 7:19 PM on December 28, 2006