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Ugly Guys Singing About Ugly Shit To Ugly Music
March 31, 2007 5:58 PM   Subscribe

The 10 Ugliest Men In Heavy Metal History. Well, Metal was never meant for the beautiful people, anyways.
posted by jonmc (61 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Only one pic works. And it's not that ugly, even.
posted by number9dream at 6:02 PM on March 31, 2007


it takes a reload or two.
posted by jonmc at 6:05 PM on March 31, 2007


C'mon dude. Vinny Vincent over Lemmy and Mick Mars?

Lame.
posted by psmealey at 6:07 PM on March 31, 2007


I mean, the underlying idea is worthy and all, but to get to number one, and it's the replacement for Ace Frehley? Even Ace deserves more respect than that.
posted by psmealey at 6:09 PM on March 31, 2007


When the lawyers representing these 10 people (or their estates) see or hear about this, only two questions will be asked; how is this not libel, and how much money does 'Ruthless Reviews' have for our clients to take?
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:10 PM on March 31, 2007


Very weird; it looks like they're hotlinking all the pictures off of a wayback machine archive of their own site. That's why they're loading for shit. What a strange thing to do, though. If you bypass archive.org and just enter the straight URLs for the jpgs, they load just fine. For example, here's Vinnie.

Effigy2000 writes "how is this not libel"

C'mon, this is not libel in any way. Public figures, statements of opinion.
posted by mr_roboto at 6:12 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


Checking out the comments, seeing all the bullshit about bald = ugly, something came back to me about metal that I hadn't thought about for a long time. It was never the music that I hated; it was the fucking metal fans.
posted by psmealey at 6:15 PM on March 31, 2007


I'd substitute "funniest looking" for ugly. And yeah, either way you slice it, it's not liable, if it took so little those godawful 10 worst New Yorkers articles would have long ago been put to bed.
posted by edgeways at 6:18 PM on March 31, 2007


I didn't need any pictures of those guys. Seen most of them close and up-front. Really ugly fuckers.

The greatest post ever!
posted by winks007 at 6:27 PM on March 31, 2007


Libel? Oh yeah, these guys are going to be out of a job playing their terrible music if people ever found out they were ugly.
posted by DU at 6:27 PM on March 31, 2007


DU: I'm actually a big fan of a a few of these bands (Motorhead, Kiss, Maiden, etc), but that dosen't mean I don't recognize the fact that none of these fellas are going to be in People's Next "50 Most beautiful People," which in a perverse way is part of their appeal to their audience.
posted by jonmc at 6:31 PM on March 31, 2007


Umm.. Dee Snider? hello?
posted by Saucy Intruder at 6:34 PM on March 31, 2007


That's why ugly guys get into heavy metal -- so they could get laid anyway.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:34 PM on March 31, 2007


Steve Grimmett is no Lemmy. Still, he's uglier than a bigmouth bass.
posted by Mister_A at 6:34 PM on March 31, 2007


Libel?!
posted by mrnutty at 6:42 PM on March 31, 2007


I'm sorry, any such list which not only doesn't have Ronnie James Dio at #1, but doesn't even have him ON the list, is no list at all. I mean...monkfish scream and swim/flop/ooze away at the mere mention of possibly showing a picture of him!
posted by biscotti at 6:50 PM on March 31, 2007


They are Ruthless! They laugh at your charges of libel!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 6:51 PM on March 31, 2007


When the lawyers representing these 10 people (or their estates) see or hear about this

we're talking about people who are employed in a business that is famous for exploits with swordfish and bats, not your grandmother's canasta club
posted by pyramid termite at 6:53 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]


any such list which not only doesn't have Ronnie James Dio at #1

Good Lord... where did you find such a flattering photo of him?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:56 PM on March 31, 2007


Well, Metal was never meant for the beautiful people, anyways.

It's probably just my dreadful weakness for boys with long hair talking, but I can think of quite a few metal guys who are more than pretty enough to make my panties sweat.

(But yeah, there is definitely zero overlap between my list and this one. Quelle surprise.)
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 6:58 PM on March 31, 2007


Well, the overwhelming majority of metalhead pals as a teenager were greasy, pimply (and either emaciatedly skinny or morbidly obese) misfits in mullets and tour shirts. Pretty much everybody wrote us all off as fuckups and losers. Great guys, they were. So it was gratifying to see guys who looked like us getting fame, girls etc.
posted by jonmc at 7:03 PM on March 31, 2007


Lemmy would still be at the top of my list even if he had those things removed from his cheek.

Good lord.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:03 PM on March 31, 2007


Effigy2000, next you'll be the stand-in for Captain Copyright (you know, the guy who always shows up in any thread with a posted material not from the original copyright holder, fretting about possible violations).

It's a fascinating internet phenomenon, people "worrying" about the lawfulness of other's online actions, especially as those actions don't cause any harm.

There are a lot of ugly people in music, period. Makes me think I should have thought about taking up an instrument long ago. I'd be a good stand-in for the Bowling For Soup guitarist if I just put on a few more pounds...
posted by maxwelton at 7:05 PM on March 31, 2007


If you're not ugly enough to do metal, you could always hot-glue some cornflakes to your face.
posted by CrunchyFrog at 7:06 PM on March 31, 2007


The pics take forever to load... It must be because of all the ugliness... I agree with most of the choices, but Vinnie Vincent didn't deserve to be named THE ugliest... Surely Lemmy should have taken that spot.
posted by amyms at 7:21 PM on March 31, 2007


BUTTHEAD (watching Grim Reaper video)
That guy won 3rd place at the pig contest at the state fair.

BEAVIS
'Cause he's FAT!!
posted by drjimmy11 at 7:24 PM on March 31, 2007


Udo Dirkschneider!

Trivia Tidbit / Hard Rock Name-Drop: Many moons ago, my former band spent a couple weeks recording demos with Accept's original guitarist manning the board at a studio housed in a converted three-car garage on this sprawling farm outside of Nashville. The studio is/was owned by Accept lead guitarist Wolf Hoffman, who relocated to the States after Accept splintered. (And yes, the man's given name is Wolf. Intense.) Anyways, there was a photo of Udo in the studio, and I distinctly remember wasting valuable studio time debating over the appropriate German equivalent of the phrase "to beat with an ugly stick." A face only a <danzig>MUH-thurr!</danzig> could love.
posted by joe lisboa at 7:26 PM on March 31, 2007 [2 favorites]


Needs more Leslie West.
posted by vronsky at 7:30 PM on March 31, 2007



Udo Dirkschneider!

Udo's collaboration with Raven on a cover of 'Born To be Wild' is one of the freakiest metal moments ever.
posted by jonmc at 7:34 PM on March 31, 2007


drjimmy11 mentioned Beavis and Butthead, which made me think of GWAR (NSFW)... They've got to be the ugliest band in show business.
posted by amyms at 7:41 PM on March 31, 2007


Rock out with your cock out!
posted by homunculus at 7:46 PM on March 31, 2007


Here are the direct jpg links without that archive.org silliness.

Jim Martin

Nicko McBrain

King Diamond

King Diamond

Ian Hill

Mick Mars

Mick Mars

Mick Mars

Billy Milano

Lemmy Kilmister

Steve Grimmet

Udo Dirkschneider

Vinnie Vincent

posted by popechunk at 7:47 PM on March 31, 2007 [3 favorites]


Sorry folks but this little Top 10 List pales in comparison to the unadulterated ugliness that is a Devin Townsend. He can sing the fuck out of any music but he's so ugly, tears run down the back of his head.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:53 PM on March 31, 2007 [3 favorites]


Oh and here's the ugliness in action.[NSFW - language]
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:55 PM on March 31, 2007


Rock out with your cock out!

OMFG that is awesome!
posted by popechunk at 7:57 PM on March 31, 2007


he's so ugly, tears run down the back of his head.

Ok, that's probably an old joke, but that got the biggest laugh out loud moment from me on MeFI all day... And with the shit going on in the Mandingo thread, that's actually saying something.
posted by psmealey at 8:04 PM on March 31, 2007


I know this is limited to metal heroes, but seriously, none of these poseurs have anything on my man, Shane McGowan... Hands down, the ugliest tosser in rock.
posted by psmealey at 8:06 PM on March 31, 2007


Lemmy is not ugly, Lemme is spectacular.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:19 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


Those are the ugliest goddam blue question marks I have ever seen.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:21 PM on March 31, 2007


Also not metal, and Shane definitely wins on teeth (and blood-alcohol volume), but I do think Midnight Oil's Peter Garrett could give him a run for the money on sheer ungainliness.

And yet I find him strangely compelling...
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 8:22 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


Hmmmm, has Peter Garrett done any acting since The Hills Have Eyes?
posted by fleetmouse at 8:32 PM on March 31, 2007


That YouTube link does at least show off his gawky dancing, but the video quality isn't good enough to convey PG's astounding SWEATINESS. Being an insane Oils fangirl, I've seen them from right squashed up against the edge of the stage, and let me tell you, there really should have been a clearly marked "SPATTER ZONE".

(Got sweat-bukkake'd. Caught one of Hirsty's splintered drumsticks. Applauded so hard I bent a couple of rings in half. Yeah, the show was AWESOME.)
posted by Smilla's Sense of Snark at 8:42 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


Sorry folks but this little Top 10 List pales in comparison to the unadulterated ugliness that is a Devin Townsend. He can sing the fuck out of any music but he's so ugly, tears run down the back of his head

Hahahahah. :D

I have no idea how I forgot about Devin Townsend!
posted by VirtualWolf at 9:05 PM on March 31, 2007


ah Shane, just saw him at the start of the month in Chi-town, it's a fucking miracle the man is still alive.
posted by edgeways at 9:09 PM on March 31, 2007


I'll nominate Rick Rozz.
posted by The Straightener at 9:18 PM on March 31, 2007



Sorry folks but this little Top 10 List pales in comparison to the unadulterated ugliness that is a Devin Townsend.


Hey! Leave Pickles alone!
posted by spinifex23 at 9:19 PM on March 31, 2007 [1 favorite]


As I understand it, these guys are trying to be ugly. Sadly, the original "previous 10" article no longer links correctly.
posted by Listener at 9:42 PM on March 31, 2007


as an old acquaintance was fond of saying ...

"The gift of Death Metal does not smile upon the good-looking."
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 10:05 PM on March 31, 2007


What, does GWAR not count or something? What's not metal about giant blood-spurting cocks?
posted by loquacious at 11:12 PM on March 31, 2007


Effigy2000 writes "How is this not libel?"

Because truth is an absolute defence.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 12:06 AM on April 1, 2007


Rodney Dangerfield didn't die after all, he just changed his name to Udo. The poor man still can't get any respect.
posted by stavrogin at 12:24 AM on April 1, 2007


Mick Mars? No way! Its Jeanet!
posted by borq at 3:58 AM on April 1, 2007


Is... is King Diamond sporting a Dirty Sanchez?
posted by Drexen at 6:40 AM on April 1, 2007


Shane Embury (pictured on right) not only wins this competition, but is probably the ugliest human being alive.
posted by The Straightener at 6:43 AM on April 1, 2007


Although not metal, my wife says that Keith Richards ugly face transcends all genres of ugly-ness.
posted by winks007 at 7:00 AM on April 1, 2007


from the comments section:

Dear administrator!
Yet again I have to inform you that half of these bands are NOT heavy metal at all. And, yet again, you don't have a goddamn clue. You still are an asshole.


Comedy gold! Makes me miss the orthodox punk scene.

And in regards to Devin Townsend: he's a married man. If a guy like Devin can get hitched, then by golly there's hope for the rest of us after all...
posted by spoobnooble at 8:59 AM on April 1, 2007


Yeah, sorry, but Steve Tyler. I know, I know, not really metal. But he so ugly... how ugly? They throw him in the river, they be skimming ugly off for six months. That ugly.
posted by jokeefe at 1:41 PM on April 1, 2007


I think Jim Martin is hot, in a Rick Rubin sort of way. He *so* doesn't deserve to be on that list.
posted by parilous at 8:12 AM on April 2, 2007


This post has been bugging me for the last few days and I couldn't figure out why. It just came to me - there's no Mortiis! C'mon now, I'm sure we can all agree - he makes everybody else on this list look like Fabio or something.
posted by stinkycheese at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2007


Bonus - discovered while looking for Mortiis pictures - Lies Told About Mortiis On The Internet:

* Mortiis lives in a castle in Norway.
* Mortiis has had plastic surgery to look the way he does.
* Mortiis stabbed his mother to death.
* Mortiis is a raving alcoholic and drug-user.
* Mortiis died and came back from the dead.
* Mortiis is married.
* Mortiis can't drink.
* Mortiis is not human.
* Mortiis and friends sacrifice animals in the forest.
* Someone was sadistically murdered in the house he lives in.
* Mortiis is a king on the dance floor.
* Mortiis OD'ed and had to be resuscitated back to life.
* Mortiis eats children.
* Mortiis has joined Danny Glover in his quest to stop rascist cab drivers.
* Mortiis keeps wolves as pets.
* Mortiis has sex with wolves.
* Mortiis has been asked to use his nose in a porno movie.
* Mortiis has been asked to be in a Disney film.
* Mortiis and Sarah Jezebel Deva are the same person.
* Mortiis has been involved in inticement to suicide.
* Vond sings on The Stargate.
* Mortiis' nose falls off during live shows.
* Mortiis looks just like Blix from Legend, only taller.
* Mortiis' music is bad, because he uses make-up.
* Mortiis gave birth to someone's grandmother.
* Mortiis is supposed to be a Scandinavian troll.
* The Stargate is so bad, everyone displays universal disguist for it.
* Mortiis was involved in the Norwegian train crash that took some 30 lives (coincidentally, another passenger was alledgedly saved by aliens).
* Mortiis lives in a cave & plays buttmetal .
* Mortiis sounds like 80┬┤ies goth ala Bauhaus with bad costumes.
* Mortiis is a real no talent moron
* Mortiis was voted sexiest man in Norway
* Mortiis left Emperor in the end of 91, because his mother wouldn`t let him play in a black metal band (taken from an insanely erroneous Emperor fan-site).
* Mortiis┬┤ real name is Bobo Trinkles.
* Mortiis has 13 toes.
* Mortiis has a cat named Elisabeth Bathory.
* Mortiis plays electronic folk music
* Mortiis had to leave Emperor because he is a troll.
* Mortiis had his ears stolen and had to do the show without them.
* Mortiis saw himself dead in a dream and from that dream he recreated the image of himself he saw.
* When you say Mortiis five times in front of a mirror, he appears with his army of trolls and slay the living!

posted by stinkycheese at 11:10 AM on April 2, 2007


Nudist Priest
posted by homunculus at 6:06 PM on April 6, 2007


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