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The 5 Biggest Pricks in Congress
June 22, 2007 12:59 PM   Subscribe


 
Dead link.
posted by Afroblanco at 1:10 PM on June 22, 2007


jonson, linking to Cracked? Oh, how the mighty have fallen...
posted by doctor_negative at 1:11 PM on June 22, 2007


Oh wait, now it's working again.

(sorry, nevermind)
posted by Afroblanco at 1:11 PM on June 22, 2007


shouldn't it be the biggest 535 pricks in congress?
posted by Mach5 at 1:13 PM on June 22, 2007


that came out wrong.
posted by Mach5 at 1:13 PM on June 22, 2007


Hey, they managed to squeeze a Democrat in there!
posted by rush at 1:17 PM on June 22, 2007


I was going to bitch about the fact that I had to refresh a bunch of times before the page loaded... but I finally got to read it, and you know, this is pretty funny.
posted by the_bone at 1:18 PM on June 22, 2007


Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

Oh bullshit, any link calling out assholes in washington is fine by me!
posted by Peter H at 1:18 PM on June 22, 2007


that came out wrong.

This is the fourth finishing pun, following "pricks", "jonson", and "congress".
posted by Peter H at 1:18 PM on June 22, 2007


Farktacular!
posted by fandango_matt at 1:18 PM on June 22, 2007


This is the funniest picture of all time.
posted by four panels at 1:23 PM on June 22, 2007 [7 favorites]


Great.

Another reminder that dear old dad looks like big nasty Dick.
posted by Esoquo at 1:23 PM on June 22, 2007


Does Cheney ever not sneer? Honest question.
posted by Dr-Baa at 1:23 PM on June 22, 2007 [2 favorites]


I was kind of hoping that this list would be more literal.
posted by Target Practice at 1:24 PM on June 22, 2007


Senator Ted Stevens?

NO!
posted by parallax7d at 1:24 PM on June 22, 2007


We already know who wins Target Practice.

And it isn't the Iraqi people.
posted by Esoquo at 1:26 PM on June 22, 2007


eponysterical?

I think this thread may well get deleted. But in any case, limiting the list to five is sort of silly. I also think that his racist past does not necessarily earn Byrd his place on the list, given how racist many of our elected officials are in the present.

So, in short, I wasn't impressed by this.
posted by mai at 1:30 PM on June 22, 2007 [2 favorites]


They missed out the fact that despite Senator Byrd's dark past, he was the lone voice of dissent against the war in the Senate. He's a very complex and confusing figure... but you can't sum him as easily as cracked is trying to.
posted by chuckdarwin at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2007


Damn, I thought this was going to be about actual prick size. The result of Larry Flynt's trolling.

From the photos provided in this link, I'm guessing it's Sensenbrenner with the biggest prick. He looks like he's packing serious heat.
posted by Nelson at 1:32 PM on June 22, 2007


"Environmentalists are a self-centered bunch of waffle-stomping, Harvard-graduating, intellectual idiots."

Wait... wait, what?
posted by brundlefly at 1:36 PM on June 22, 2007


Brundlefly: Clearly he means they smash... flip-floppers?
posted by Target Practice at 1:37 PM on June 22, 2007


Waffle-Stomping
posted by parallax7d at 1:40 PM on June 22, 2007 [5 favorites]


They mentioned Sensenbrenner, but they failed to mention his bill that would have put Marijuana users in prison for 20 years (mandatory) and also would have made it a crime to even know about anyone using marijuana without reporting them all with a 10 year mandatory minimum sentence.

I mean, come on. They also didn't pick a photo of him that really illustrate his Jaba the Hut physique.
posted by delmoi at 1:41 PM on June 22, 2007


John Wayne used to stomp waffles.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:42 PM on June 22, 2007


Ah, thank you, parallax7d, that clears everything...

Wait... wait, what?!
posted by brundlefly at 1:43 PM on June 22, 2007 [4 favorites]


That just raises further questions!
posted by Target Practice at 1:44 PM on June 22, 2007 [4 favorites]


cracked.com is a pretty good site, generally. I liked their cable access article.
posted by puke & cry at 1:44 PM on June 22, 2007


There's never any actual penetration in congress, they just wave around their tumescences egos.
posted by Mblue at 1:50 PM on June 22, 2007


So you're saying they have blue balls
posted by Target Practice at 1:52 PM on June 22, 2007


There's never any actual penetration in congress

Oh, someone's getting penetrated all right. I'm surprised any of us can sit down.
posted by me & my monkey at 1:54 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


Yes, why do you think they so much energy for shouting?
posted by Mblue at 1:55 PM on June 22, 2007


It's nice that they were able to make it a nice even 5, instead of 6, since Rick Santorum's gone.
posted by zek at 1:59 PM on June 22, 2007


Wait... so was he saying that environmentalists stomp waffles to conserve water?
posted by hypocritical ross at 2:01 PM on June 22, 2007


Waffle Stompers?

(Back in the day, the preferred footwear of tree-hugger types was hiking boots with Vibram soles often described as "waffle stompers." Never heard about the shower activity, though -- ewww.)
posted by pax digita at 2:01 PM on June 22, 2007


No Stevens? No Ron Paul? But Byrd's on there for being in the Klan 60 years ago. I'm not fan of Byrd, but get with the times people.
posted by damn dirty ape at 2:04 PM on June 22, 2007


This thread is useless without pics.

Meooow!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:05 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


P.S. puke & cry: that was my article! glad you liked it!
posted by hypocritical ross at 2:07 PM on June 22, 2007


me & my monkey

I'm guessing that you haven't incorporated yourself. It's time to employ your significant other at me & my monkey inc.
posted by Mblue at 2:07 PM on June 22, 2007


chuckdarwin: "They missed out the fact that despite Senator Byrd's dark past, he was the lone voice of dissent against the war in the Senate. He's a very complex and confusing figure... but you can't sum him as easily as cracked is trying to."

I don't think this word "lone" means what you think it means.

Also, the 18 in. walrus penis in Young's article? At first, I thought they said he whipped out HIS 18 incher, and I was like "DAMN they weren't kidding!"
posted by symbioid at 2:08 PM on June 22, 2007


Oh and I am TOTALLY inventing a dance called the Waffle Stomp, now!
posted by symbioid at 2:09 PM on June 22, 2007


every time I see a cracked link, I think "wait, that mad magazine knock off I read an issue or two of 17 years ago?!"
posted by shmegegge at 2:12 PM on June 22, 2007


symbioid

Too late.
posted by Mblue at 2:16 PM on June 22, 2007


Is this the thread about big pricks?
posted by Meatbomb at 2:17 PM on June 22, 2007




No Stevens? No Ron Paul? But Byrd's on there for being in the Klan 60 years ago. I'm not fan of Byrd, but get with the times people.

Uhm, are you serious? We're talking about the same Senator Robert Byrd from West Virginia right? The same one who voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (admittedly 40 years ago). The same one who said, just a few years ago:

"Are much, much better than they've ever been in my lifetime.... I think we talk about race too much. I think those problems are largely behind us ... I just think we talk so much about it that we help to create somewhat of an illusion. I think we try to have good will. My old mom told me, 'Robert, you can't go to heaven if you hate anybody.' We practice that. There are white niggers. I've seen a lot of white niggers in my time. I'm going to use that word. We just need to work together to make our country a better country, and I'd just as soon quit talking about it so much." - Robert Byrd

Oh yeah, and every fucking federal building, bridge, dam, you name it built in West Virginia with federal dollars has his name on it. When he dies they will probably just rename the state after him. Fuck Robert Byrd.
posted by chlorus at 2:33 PM on June 22, 2007


puke & cry: that was pretty good, although I was dissapointed by the lack of vagina power.
posted by Arturus at 2:37 PM on June 22, 2007


chlorus

Fuck Robert Byrd senators.
posted by Mblue at 2:41 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


Yes, Byrd is so much more enlightened now that he realizes that some niggers can be white.
posted by 2sheets at 2:48 PM on June 22, 2007


mblue: I made that comment after seeing the urban dict link earlier in the thread. ;)

However, at the time I saw it, it only contained the definition of "Stomping shit down the shower drain" which is infinitely funnier than being beaten down by pigs...
posted by symbioid at 2:58 PM on June 22, 2007


This is a joke, right? jonson reads reddit?
posted by casconed at 3:05 PM on June 22, 2007


I object to this post on the grounds that it is clearly penisist.
posted by ikkyu2 at 3:20 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


I disagree with ikkyu2.

[PENISIST]
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:21 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm with pax digita, growing up, waffle stomping always referred to the pattern on the soles of combat and hiking boots. You got waffle stomped if you got beat up by someone wearing them.

And I was fully ready to bitch about yet another Cracked post, but I had to admit, this one wasn't awful. If for no other reason than that they chose pictures of Cheney that really convey how unpleasant he is.
posted by quin at 3:43 PM on June 22, 2007


I am not happy to see Byrd on that list. A courageous man, a conservative, he nonetheless had the guts to give a very impassioned speech against invading supporting the Iraq war, now the great disaster. True he was this or that--but I am old enough to have served in the US Army when it was segregated, and true it is that he is one of the top dollar getters for his state. But now to the meat and bones: all our Congress folks get bucks for their people and that is how they get reelected. And all of them take money in one or another form from lobby groups, and that is how they finance elections. So the true problem is in the structure of the way the game is played rather than simply the players themselves. Note, for example, that the Dems were going to make money (earmarks) transparent! Sure. Has it happened. In but a few cases.

Of course we each have our favorite Congressional retard and mine has to be Joe Lieberman, in the Senate, but then he is from my state, damn it. Not well known: his wife lobbvies for pharaceutical industry.
posted by Postroad at 3:44 PM on June 22, 2007


Shorter postroad: Hate the game, not the playah.

(But actually I agree with this, The U.S. is never going to be pork/earmark free. It's more important that people focus on achieving policy outcomes they prefer then try to go after government waste)
posted by delmoi at 3:55 PM on June 22, 2007


I don't think this word "lone" means what you think it means.

I was referring to this:

Sen. Robert Byrd, D-West Virginia, attempted Thursday to mount a filibuster against the resolution but was cut off on a 75 to 25 vote.

Byrd had argued the resolution amounted to a "blank check" for the White House.

"This is the Tonkin Gulf resolution all over again," Byrd said. "Let us stop, look and listen. Let us not give this president or any president unchecked power. Remember the Constitution."

But Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona, said the United States needs to move before Saddam can develop a more advanced arsenal.

posted by chuckdarwin at 3:58 PM on June 22, 2007 [2 favorites]


Umm.. the playahs are the only ones who can fix the game. I'm gonna continue hating the playahs.
posted by parallax7d at 4:00 PM on June 22, 2007 [4 favorites]


posted by delmoi The U.S. is never going to be pork/earmark free. It's more important that people focus on achieving policy outcomes they prefer then try to go after government waste

What if the policy outcome you're trying to achieve is going after government waste?
posted by fandango_matt at 4:19 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


nie shortening of what I said but ork side, much that gets passed or fails to pass is because of lobby groups so that policy outcomes result of game/players.
posted by Postroad at 4:33 PM on June 22, 2007


I am old enough to have served in the US Army when it was segregated,

Posty, it was desegregated by Truman in 1948, what the fuck are you talking about?
posted by matteo at 4:49 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


How exactly does one go about obtaining an 18-inch walrus penis?

Just out of curiosity, of course...
posted by CKmtl at 4:59 PM on June 22, 2007


Wear a girly walrus suit while swimming in the Bering Sea.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:13 PM on June 22, 2007 [1 favorite]


posted by CKmtl How exactly does one go about obtaining an 18-inch walrus penis? Just out of curiosity, of course...

AskMetafilter gets better every day.
posted by fandango_matt at 5:16 PM on June 22, 2007 [3 favorites]


Dick Cheney: Our Fourth Branch of Government?
posted by homunculus at 5:25 PM on June 22, 2007


And he's creepy.
posted by homunculus at 5:29 PM on June 22, 2007


!!!
posted by Huplescat at 6:09 PM on June 22, 2007


there's a glaring error they made about oil consumption -- saying the u.s. consumed 20.6 million barrels of oil to china's 7 in 2006, but they left off the ever-so-important PER DAY.
posted by Hat Maui at 7:06 PM on June 22, 2007


Concerning the walrus penis, this is from a a much better article by Rolling Stone (2006) on the worst Congress has to offer:

"And during a debate on the right of native Alaskans to sell the sex organs of endangered animals as aphrodisiacs, Young whipped out the eighteen-inch penis bone of a walrus and brandished it like a sword on the House floor."

God, I love Congress.
posted by willie11 at 7:11 PM on June 22, 2007


He might be creepy, homunculus, but we both notice that he is on U'r tube. Me? I prefer to see MY creeps on...well...on Metafilter. Here we don't "judge" in quite the same way. Our five biggest pricks are local heroes!
posted by Penny Wise at 7:13 PM on June 22, 2007


Further regarding the walrus penis, it's actually the bone of a walrus that is often found and I'm sure he was brandishing. Among the northern natives, it's called an Oosik, and I own one that a friend from Iqaluit brought me a couple years ago. That in itself is a bit of a story, as he transported it to me without the required walrus-penis-bone-transport permit....I'm in no way kidding.
posted by Kickstart70 at 7:37 PM on June 22, 2007


i don't think this story can be considered remotely authoritative as no congressional pages were asked
posted by pyramid termite at 8:46 PM on June 22, 2007


I don't think 'toss her salad' means what they think it means.
posted by stavrogin at 9:06 PM on June 22, 2007


This thread calls for the obligatory Ten Ways Dick Cheney Can Kill You.


posted by eisbaer at 9:54 PM on June 22, 2007


Re: The Walrus Penis

I have a walrus penis, and it is bigger than 18 inches. I really do. I mean it is a souvenir bone one my grandparents got in Alaska about 50 years ago. It's not attached to my body or anything.
posted by marxchivist at 10:26 PM on June 22, 2007


At last, we have found the real worst job in science.
No, I'm not talking about the whale penis.
posted by dhartung at 10:51 PM on June 22, 2007


They missed out the fact that despite Senator Byrd's dark past, he was the lone voice of dissent against the war in the Senate

Nuh-uh! My man Russ Feingold was against it from the beginning. I think Mr. Feingold has repaid all Wisconsin's McCarthy karma.
posted by Bonzai at 11:32 PM on June 22, 2007



posted by IronLizard at 12:07 AM on June 23, 2007


Not bad, but the Beast really does this kind of thing better.
posted by JHarris at 2:19 AM on June 23, 2007


can someone tell me how Steven and Young - the Senators from Alaska have to ability to bring home so much pork to their state? They get fucking 1.87 per dollar they pay in taxes? What are these senators so powerful.
posted by any major dude at 7:39 AM on June 23, 2007


They get a big chunk of mystery money through secret earmarks.
posted by parallax7d at 8:07 AM on June 23, 2007


Nothing really exciting about it, and no especially high amount of pork required.

Federal expenditures per state are largely driven by two things: old people (social security and medicare) and the military. Alaska may not have a lot of old people, but it has the second-highest relative number of military personnel (18000 out of 700000 population). This is more than five times the average of the other states.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:28 AM on June 23, 2007




Don Young gets even worse - at a high school assembly in Fairbanks, when a local student asked him why he was so against federal funding for artists he replied that in his mind, "butt-fucking" was not art. Note - a HIGH SCHOOL assembly.

Add to that the prettygoddamncertain issue of him fighting bills designed to end sweatshops/slavery in Saipan because he'd been bribed by Jack Abramoff, and I'd say I'm pretty disappointed that my state happily reelects this guy every year.
posted by thelastpolarbear at 11:44 AM on June 24, 2007


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