He got nailed.

February 14, 2008 3:07 AM

Doctors successfully removed a two-inch nail from a man's genitals yesterday.Doctors pulled the nail out of his urethra on their first attempt and later said the man could have died if the object had not been spotted on X-ray. The man had admitted himself to SMC on Sunday night with extreme abdominal pain and was unable to speak. The man told doctors the last thing he remembered was having something sprayed in his face and being fondled by one of his assailants before he blacked out.

Reminds me of people who insert strange things into their arse and then claim, 'oh doctor, I slipped over in the bath and this artillery shell went up me' khyber, honest!'

Also reminds me of the charming Albert Fish, who, among his other awful doings, stuck over a dozen needles into his pelvis and perineum, presumably for kicks.

posted by Henry C. Mabuse (56 comments total)

Ow, my balls!
posted by From Bklyn at 3:14 AM on February 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Oh, c'mon! Who hasn't gone out, had one too many drinks and ended up with thugs driving a nail through his penis. It happens to the best of us.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 3:26 AM on February 14, 2008

Yes, those roving bands of Knob Nailers are a terror in the West End. Or is it South End?
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 3:29 AM on February 14, 2008

Yeah, the guy's story doesn't hold up. I can understand waking up after a cruel and unusual mugging and not realizing there's a nail in your penis. But after walking around with it for three days I'm pretty sure I would be able to localize the problem much more accurately than "abdominal pain" -- which he somehow told the doctors about even though he couldn't speak. I think I would jot down on a napkin, you know, "hey doc, you can start by looking at my penis". Did this guy not drink any liquids for three days? And maybe that's why he couldn't speak? He knows more than he's letting on.
posted by creasy boy at 3:47 AM on February 14, 2008

I don't understand how he would not know there was a frigging nail in his dick. For three days. What took so long to go to the hospital? Say what you want about the guy, but he can take some pain.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 3:47 AM on February 14, 2008

He jotted on a napkin "take away the pain but keep the swelling"


the old ones are the best.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 4:04 AM on February 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Actually, I put some thought into it and it's pretty clear what happened. The guy's an illegal immigrant with masochistic leanings -- so without insurance, he's basically flirting with disaster everyone he gets off. Poor guy, really. One night he decides to really treat himself. Lights candles, throws some soft jazz on the high-fi, draws a bath, etc. and starts fooling around, and things get a little out of hand. He spends the next three days not drinking any liquids and hoping desperately that his penis will digest the nail on its own, or maybe trying to massage it out. Concocting all kinds of schemes wild hopes, probably. Finally he decides to go the hospital, knowing he'll be deported. But he can't speak because his throat is parched, so he grimaces and points towards his midriff. They assume abdominal pain and x-ray him, thus finding the nail. Afterwards they give him a glass of water and he has to face the team of doctors and explain himself. So he invents the most obvious story: I don't know, these guys attacked me, they put me out with some kind of chemical and then did stuff but I don't know what it was, I was unconscious. I woke up and I was all fucked like this. That's how it happened.
posted by creasy boy at 4:09 AM on February 14, 2008

I HATE when THAT happens.
posted by horsemuth at 4:09 AM on February 14, 2008

Well, thank God.
posted by psmealey at 4:22 AM on February 14, 2008

Oh, from the Mabuse record keeping dept.: Coconut Stuffed Up Bloke's arse.

"SURGERY was performed on Sunday to remove a coconut from the body of a man who was sodomised with the fruit during an attack by a gang of men.

[Trinidad] police are now investigating the case, in which the 27-year-old victim was found at the side of a canefield road at Golconda Village, near San Fernando.

Police were told that the man was seen drinking alcohol in the hours before he was found, and a group of men who picked him up are being sought.

The man is reported to have undergone surgery at a private medical centre."


Now, how would you achieve such an immortal feat, and wouldn't it make a fortune on the cabaret circuit?
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:33 AM on February 14, 2008

While working in surgery in the USAF we had a retired senior enlisted man who had put a Bic pen on a drill and put it down his urethra. His eccentricity became evident when he came to the clinic complaining of a blocked urethra, no pee. On X-Ray you could see the tip of the pen 3/4 of the way down. We pulled in out with a cystoscope and we had to put in a pack to keep the urethra open so that he did not scar down. His urethra was pulled don so that he had an outlet in the perineum. One would have thought he would have been embarrassed, nope he loved to show it off, asking staff if they wanted to see his "pussy" When coming to the GU clinic he would brining a bag with a skin mag which he would proceed to read in clinic. Definitely a psych case. What was worse were the poor souls (usually in ICU) who in an psychotic state would rip out their urethral catheter. Catheter which was inflated water filling a cuff that was 2/3 the size of a ping pong ball. Zip right out. There would be blood all over the place and it left me with a sympathetic pain in my balls.
posted by Rancid Badger at 5:38 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ow.

That is all.
posted by sacre_bleu at 5:45 AM on February 14, 2008

Humans and their funny little ways.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 5:53 AM on February 14, 2008

It must have been Mr. T.
posted by GuyZero at 6:21 AM on February 14, 2008

OW!
posted by delmoi at 6:29 AM on February 14, 2008

Also reminds me of the charming Albert Fish, who, among his other awful doings, stuck over a dozen needles into his pelvis and perineum, presumably for kicks.

Give a man a fish, and he can feed himself for a day. But give A. Fish a man and, well... he can stretch it out to three or four.

And seconding the ows. Yowzeroonie.
posted by RokkitNite at 6:31 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

WTF people??? Oh yeah, let's all laugh at the guy upthread who was brutally raped....
flagged.
posted by Wilder at 6:32 AM on February 14, 2008

can we just ban Mabuse on the basis of the extreme level of sympathetic pain felt by mefits all over the world??? 'cuz, like, we should!
posted by HuronBob at 6:32 AM on February 14, 2008

Wow... who would really shove a nail up someone's dick??? Sick and twisted people out there.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:35 AM on February 14, 2008

"One in a million chance, Doc."
posted by sourwookie at 6:41 AM on February 14, 2008

Similiar to the now famous "scrotum self-repair" article that made the rounds before the internet.
posted by Brian B. at 6:43 AM on February 14, 2008

So is this the Valentine's Day thread?
posted by Adam_S at 6:43 AM on February 14, 2008

The (More inside) tag was particularly chilling.
posted by sfts2 at 6:44 AM on February 14, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Mastercheddaar, in the wonderful world of human sexuality, consenting adults often insert interesting objects in both their own, and others', orifaces (all of them). And yes, most people, including the medics removing them, have a good giggle afterwards.

Once you maintain patient confidentiality and treat the person with the utmost professionalism, I don't think it is awful to later relate how difficult an extraction that tin of baked beans was and to have a bit of a giggle.

That is vastly different to laughing at someone who is forcibly held down and raped with an object that is likely to cause internal injuries. I'm fascinated to find people in this thread who think the trauma of that and a potential future shitting into a bag worthy of a laugh. I can't.

And yes, (sigh!) I realise that this will probably put me in the shrill, ranty category but ya' know what, at least I'm in fun, intellegent and congenial company. Where's Occhiblu gone again??
posted by Wilder at 6:51 AM on February 14, 2008

Meh.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:11 AM on February 14, 2008

Well, on the one hand, it's pretty well-established that people who show up in the ER with kink-related injuries will tell all kinds of wild stories to avoid being outed.

On the other hand, it's possible that this one's telling the truth. There might just be a urethral play top out there who's started drugging and raping people. It seems comparatively unlikely, although it's certainly horrible news if it's true, and it would be nice to know that the police, at least, were giving it some credence.

But on the third gripping inserting hand, Metafilter being what it is, people are going to chose skepticism and snark value over credulity and empathy any day of the week, no matter what the odds are.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:14 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Someone put Fark into my Metafilter this morning!
posted by damn dirty ape at 7:21 AM on February 14, 2008

Fark post.
posted by LarryC at 7:22 AM on February 14, 2008

I would add that the coconut story is just as unbelievable as the nail story. The guy put the thing up there himself. That was what I was implying by adding that one in.

The objects inserted in the anus thing is actually something that was posted here before, I think in 2002, although the link is dead now. So claims of Farkism, don't lay them at my door. That's a particularly offensive insult!

I dunno, does a healthy person laugh at these stories or feel empathy? Henri Bergson said laughter was a form of social sanction against extremely b0rked behaviour. There are current theories that posit it is not possible for human beings to empathise with others outside of their own personal 'tribe' or monkesphere, & if that is true, the handwringing is phoney. Personally I find the stories horrible but also funny from a sociological POV. It's awful, but there's nothing I can do for these folks. I think a guy jamming a nail into his peepee is funny because he's hoist by his own petard, & I'm skeptical about the coconut rape excuse from the guy from Trinidad, because I just can't believe it could happen that way.

Sometimes things are so horrible you just have to laugh, you know?
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 7:32 AM on February 14, 2008

Yes, those roving bands of Knob Nailers are a terror in the West End. Or is it South End?
posted by Henry C. Mabuse

I think it's the Bell End.
posted by papakwanz at 8:09 AM on February 14, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I seem to recall Dan Savage ran a "most embarrassing masturbation story" contest some years back...the winner was from someone who, as a young man, pleasured himself by chewing a piece of gum, adhering it to the end of a long, thin stick, and then inserted the stick into his urethra (this practice, I believe, is known as "sounding"). One day the winner was jacking off like this and, at the conclusion, removed the stick, only to find that the gum was no longer attached.

He of course had to explain this to his (suddenly mortified) parents, who drove him to the hospital, and I can imagine it only got more fun from there.
posted by baphomet at 8:43 AM on February 14, 2008

Sounds painful.
posted by mosk at 9:12 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

If I had a nickel for every time I saw a post about an illegal worker is attacked and robbed by a gang of Bahrainis who spray him in the face, knock him out, fondle his genitals and insert a two inch nail into his urethra which shows up on an X-ray three days after he walks around with it inside him and severe abdominal pain drives him to the hospital where doctors remove it and deport him... well, I’d have a nickel.
posted by HVAC Guerilla at 9:33 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Agreed on the inventive excuses.
Disagree on the coconut story, sorry.

In the 6 cases I can remember off the top of my head from an ER stint that sound similar there was one mortality:
-The mechanic on his stag night whose colleagues shoved a grease gun up his ass and pulled: they seemed surprised to be attending his funeral two weeks later after his gut exploded
-3 serious morbidities, as I said shitting in a bag,
-and the other two needed a few weeks of hospitalisation and additional surgeries.

I know most men don't take male sexual violence seriously (hell, those mechanics were horrified that the case was prosecuted as a sexual violence case, they were just being boys, after all, and where else were they going to insert the grease gun?)

The closest parallel I can think of is the Judge who dismissed the rape claim because the victim went out that night without panties.
posted by Wilder at 9:35 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Nail removed from man's genitals

By MANDEEP SINGH

It, er, struck me that the Daily Gulf News reporter's name is slightly eponysterical....
posted by Lynsey at 9:44 AM on February 14, 2008

Oh, c'mon! Who hasn't gone out, had one too many drinks and ended up with paying thugs to driveing a nail through his penis.

Fixed that for you.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:58 AM on February 14, 2008

I want to know more about the 'sprayed in the face' part. What exactly are you able to spray in someone's face and knock them out? I believe chloroform requires sustained exposure (at least of a few seconds if the movies are to be trusted), but what can you spritz someone with that is potent enough to knock them out, but harmless enough to not be a source of concern when the person visits the doctor a couple of days later?

That, coupled with the obvious "oh, wow, I didn't know I had a nail in my dick" makes this story seem a bit off to me.
posted by quin at 10:26 AM on February 14, 2008

Tough as nails.
posted by mistersquid at 10:36 AM on February 14, 2008

Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
posted by JanetLand at 10:45 AM on February 14, 2008

I don't understand why everyone here is asking how this guy didn't know for three days about the nail. I had a nail driven into the tip of my penis once, and it took the pain two weeks to travel the length of my unit and reach the rest of my body. By the time I finally felt it, the nail had rusted its way out of my body.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:47 AM on February 14, 2008

What exactly are you able to spray in someone's face and knock them out?

Depends on what you've been eating.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:50 AM on February 14, 2008

Various case reports describe unusual and seemingly dangerous objects in the urethra. The objects identified have included nuts, bolts, pens, pencils, toothbrushes, pocket batteries, fishhooks, shards of glass, pistachio shells, and animal parts (see Table 1). In one particularly unusual case, an 89-year-old man developed urinary retention for 5 days due to a lobster tentacle impacted in his urethra.
posted by TedW at 11:07 AM on February 14, 2008

Believe me, it is worth following that link just to see Table 1.
posted by TedW at 11:09 AM on February 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Have you ever met a proctologist?
posted by Mikey-San at 11:45 AM on February 14, 2008

Just be glad they didn't give him an MRI.



Hello, my name is Rhaomi, and I apologize for that mental image
posted by Rhaomi at 12:00 PM on February 14, 2008

Talk about hitting the nail on the head.
posted by JanetLand at 12:45 PM on February 14

No, no, we're talking about hitting your head with a nail.
posted by Ynoxas at 12:14 PM on February 14, 2008

There was a guy in my classes in Jr. High who must have had a compulsion like this. He got suspended from school not once but twice for inserting things into his urethra during class.
posted by Ynoxas at 12:19 PM on February 14, 2008

Ah, good ol' Rectal Foreign Bodies. A true classic that hearkens back to the glory days of alt.tasteless. Good to know it's still around, and apparently has some new content beyond the timeless classics such as "live artillery shell up the bung" and "concrete enema mix". Before 2 Girls 1 Cup or even Goatse.cx, this was the toast of grossout email forwards.
posted by DecemberBoy at 12:46 PM on February 14, 2008

I have friend who is related to Albert Fish.
posted by philcliff at 1:38 PM on February 14, 2008

‘Ice’ to see you. LOL

No, no, I’m doing this all wrong. Got to pull it together
posted by HVAC Guerilla at 1:57 PM on February 14, 2008

Self Castration by a Born Again evangelical Christian: Abraham Lincoln's assassin, John Wilkes Booth was shot & killed by a Sgt. Boston Corbett. He was a hatter by trade and "mad as a hatter" fits him. Trying to imitate Jesus, he began to wear his hair very long, and those who knew him thought him "different." On July 16, 1858, in order to avoid the temptation of prostitutes, Corbett castrated himself with a pair of scissors. Afterward, he ate a meal and went to a prayer meeting, before going for medical treatment. His affect & life are detailed here & make for a interesting short read.
posted by Rancid Badger at 3:39 PM on February 14, 2008

Ummmm, the greasing mentioned earlier is definitely true.

In the Navy (depending on the ship of course, and how long they've been out), if you get caught in snipe (machinist's mate) country and don't belong there, well, let's just say you get to know purple lithium grease way too well.

I've seen grown men cry afterwards...
posted by Samizdata at 7:35 PM on February 14, 2008

This is all I have to add to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8qVM6f9Ogs
posted by fourcheesemac at 8:40 PM on February 14, 2008

Except to point out that you can buy a dildo (or six) in Texas again.
posted by fourcheesemac at 8:42 PM on February 14, 2008

Best use of the "OwMyBalls" tag, ever.
posted by mjbraun at 9:50 PM on February 14, 2008

If I had a dime for every patient I've seen in the E/R who claimed total ignorance of how this {large/sharp/pointy/unpleasant} object became lodged in their {orifice}, I'd be rich. And I don't even spend all that much time in the E/R.

The best was the 110VAC dildo that was a good 24 inches up this guy's rectum; swelling had pretty much cemented it in place. He claimed that he got drunk and woke up with a sore ass and his buddies were laughing at him. It had to be taken out via a low abdominal incision through the wall of the rectum; a major surgery. For amusement purposes, I submitted it to Pathology, fully wrapped in gauze and labeled 'foreign body, rectum'; the path guys one-upped me by submitting a full report into the electronic medical record that included the manufacturer's name, model and serial number of the device, and the date of manufacture.

It's like guys in trauma centers who've been shot and are awaiting surgery. You go over and talk to them: "What were you doing to get shot?" "Aw, nothin' doc, I was just standing there on the corner." You see enough of these guys and you might come to think that standing on the corner is the world's most dangerous occupation.
posted by ikkyu2 at 10:09 AM on February 15, 2008