No Jew will ever set foot in this hotel

March 4, 2008 11:42 PM

Marilyn Manson did it on home. Iggy Pop landed on his feet. Ingmar Bergman was (unsurprizingly) seized with icy terror. Burt Reynolds (surprisingly) not in a car. Paul Krassner epigrammatically. Zsa Zsa Gabor was taken by a god king. And there's Kirk Douglas... Dana Cook of Nerve.com compiles celebrities first times. (Language possibly NSFW)
posted by Smedleyman (40 comments total)

And Jake LaMotta, ever the romantic (Enough is enough! I got her in a lock where she could barely move and I shoved my hat in her face so she couldn't talk and pushed her down and got on her.)

I saw other nerve.com posts like screwing yourself, mood killers, and bad erotica. Didn't see this. Sorry if it's a double.
posted by Smedleyman at 11:45 PM on March 4, 2008

That Kirk Douglas story is great, both as a story, and also because it's sexy, and he gets his suitable revenge.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 12:12 AM on March 5, 2008

Zsa Zsa is kind of my hero, you guys.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:13 AM on March 5, 2008

You know, Zsa Zsa, darlings.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 12:18 AM on March 5, 2008

Thanks Marilyn Manson!
Now I have to go get a new brain.
posted by Senor Cardgage at 12:19 AM on March 5, 2008

Wow, Jake LaMotta's first time was a forcible rape. And he seemed proud of it. I suppose it's progress that you couldn't get away with "Yeah, my first time was back when I raped this chick in the backseat of a car LOLZ" anymore.
posted by Justinian at 12:37 AM on March 5, 2008

"I had this really weird room with a little balcony. I used to shit on it, shit on my little balcony and let it dry."

What. The. Fuck. Iggy Pop?!
posted by spiderskull at 12:38 AM on March 5, 2008 [6 favorites]

AV -- that Zsa Zsa video you linked is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. "That feels vonderful!"
posted by spiderskull at 12:48 AM on March 5, 2008

These are great. Don't miss David Bowie.
posted by churl at 12:53 AM on March 5, 2008

Ever since I read the Paul Krassner story in his autobiography, I kind of think of Alfred E. Neuman as the patron saint of awkward "first times."
posted by louche mustachio at 1:08 AM on March 5, 2008

I just read the Celine Dion one and I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. The Iggy Pop one was great, though. Good post.
posted by sveskemus at 2:30 AM on March 5, 2008

Maya Angelou's is quite poignant.
posted by hadjiboy at 3:37 AM on March 5, 2008

What. The. Fuck. Iggy Pop?!

What, like you don't have a shit balcony? What are you, the Prince of Wales?
posted by Tullius at 3:54 AM on March 5, 2008 [13 favorites]

Cher: By the time I was fourteen, my friends were doing everything but going all the way. They thought if you stopped short of the actual penetration part, you'd get some special dispensation. I thought they were totally full of shit. I wasn't doing anything, except kissing.

But other than that, I wasn't doing anything at all.
posted by lostburner at 5:04 AM on March 5, 2008 [2 favorites]

I was quite surprised at how interesting these are, I had low expectations. The Kurt Douglas one was great, and the Dick Cavett story was as amusingly boring and pretentious as I had hoped it would be.

I met a vaguely whorish-looking blonde, complete with chewing gum and a strident laugh, incongruous among the tapestries, prie-dieux and statuary . . . in the Hotel Times Square, where, as Walker Percy says in one of his novels . . .
posted by bluejayk at 6:02 AM on March 5, 2008

Shock! Charles Manson's is actually very sweet.
posted by stinkycheese at 6:27 AM on March 5, 2008

Hah, oh Iggy. <3
posted by booticon at 7:22 AM on March 5, 2008

What. The. Fuck. Iggy Pop?!

I am sure he has heard that many, many times before.

Picking some of the stories at random, I am surprised (and a little embarrassed on behalf of my fellow males) how many women reacted with "that's all there is?" or something similar.
posted by TedW at 7:35 AM on March 5, 2008

The stories were compiled by Dana Cook, who is not the same person as the comedian.

And Loretta Lynn has a poignant story too, though somewhat offset by the inability to read it without picturing Sissy Spacek and Tommy Lee Jones. (And Sheryl Crow's impersonation of Sissy Spacek impersonating Loretta Lynn, on top of that.)
posted by Dreama at 7:37 AM on March 5, 2008

Stephen Fry's made tea come out of my nose.
posted by merocet at 8:39 AM on March 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

I am so, so sorry:

"Of course, writing and bike riding weren't the only things in my life. As time went by and my voice deepened, my libido began to kick in. I was eventually initiated into the musteries and pleasure of sex.

Today, one of my great regrets is that I cannot remember the name of he daughter of the neighborhood candy store proprietor with whom I lost my virginity. It's not that I didn't enjoy it or that I was grateful for the enchanting episode. It's just that she'll always remain a mystery woman from my past life, like the little red-headed girl in the Peanuts comic strip whoe memory has always haunted Charlie Brown. And if she's reading this now, here's a personal message to her: Please don't be embarrassed. I'm referring to the daughter of a different candy store owner."

-Excelsior!: The Amazing Life of Stan Lee, by Stan Lee and George Mair

He really should've reworked the grammar in the first line of the second paragraph. And now I, and hopefully you, are imagining Smilin' Stan's 'O Face'. 'Nuff said!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:43 AM on March 5, 2008

I'd find something like this much more interesting if it weren't only "celebrities."
posted by ethnomethodologist at 8:47 AM on March 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

Stephen Fry's made tea come out of my nose.
posted by merocet at 11:39 AM on March 5

which is especially impressive since you weren't drinking tea.

also, that kirk douglas sure is something.
posted by shmegegge at 9:04 AM on March 5, 2008 [4 favorites]

also, Stephen Fry is my hero. My loins were grateful for the outing and the exercise, indeed.
posted by shmegegge at 9:05 AM on March 5, 2008

My heart was never in it, but my loins were very grateful indeed for the outing and the exercise.

Ah memories....
posted by tiny crocodile at 9:07 AM on March 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

that kirk douglas story is disgusting, i almost lost breakfast.
telling that you'd get your posts title from it.
posted by mikoroshi at 10:51 AM on March 5, 2008

Nerve is still online? Wow.

Atatürk; forged a secular nation, deflowered a Hungarian bombshell.
posted by Nelson at 11:36 AM on March 5, 2008

Alvy, you [censored]!!! *cries*

Also, whoa, Jake LaMotta's is ... oh my god. That's one of the creepiest things I've read in a long, long time. I can hardly wrap my head around it, that a real person would just so casually do that and then (neither jailed or institutionalized) talk about it like it was nothing.

He's still alive. I wonder if anyone has confronted him about this story in later years?
posted by bettafish at 11:50 AM on March 5, 2008

I wonder if anyone has confronted him about this story in later years?

I'm no expert, but I have a strong suspicion that in the 1930s, that was pretty common fare. I mean, I'm only in my forties, but I remember a time before there was concern about date rape, and in fact I remember a long period where the whole idea was considered somewhat outré. "She's on a date with you, obviously she expected you'd want to have sex after you bought her dinner ..."

that kirk douglas story is disgusting, i almost lost breakfast.

I'm not sure what to make of this comment. The whole point is that she was a disgusting bigot.

Douglas may not have realized, however, that she understood he was Jewish all along (he didn't change his name to Douglas until his Broadway debut), and was baiting her own degradation. Something like the homophobe who can't understand why all these men keep sucking his cock all the time. At least, that's my speculative reading.
posted by dhartung at 4:41 PM on March 5, 2008

1. who would fuck Iggy Pop anyway? Ew.

2. Stan Lee is such a creepy, old perv. That whole Spiderman wrist-web hand sign looks like he's giving someone The Shocker.
posted by dasheekeejones at 4:57 PM on March 5, 2008

Kirk has a great story about fucking Joan Crawford in his autobiography The Ragman's Son, too.
posted by mediareport at 6:57 PM on March 5, 2008

I'm no expert, but I have a strong suspicion that in the 1930s, that was pretty common fare. I mean, I'm only in my forties, but I remember a time before there was concern about date rape, and in fact I remember a long period where the whole idea was considered somewhat outré. "She's on a date with you, obviously she expected you'd want to have sex after you bought her dinner ..."

Well, sure. But, even though I totally get (as much as anyone not born in that era can get, I mean) that ideas about consent were really backwards back then, I guess I still had the impression that while not strictly illegal, going so far as to pin down a woman and put your hat over her face to use her would be ... not something you'd want to brag about. I mean, if the story had been, "I pressured this woman until she agreed to have sex with me," then I'd still be horrified, but more in a "How awful! Poor woman, if only 'No means no' had existed back then!" kind of way. But he's talking about this incident, recounting it in great detail, with no shame or regret, and finishing up with a comment about how women are only good for "one thing". This memoir/autobiography was written in 1976.

Holy jeez! I'd like to thank the Women's Rights Movement for giving me the freedom and safety to be naive about the past. The level of hatred and depravity in this excerpt really astounded me.
posted by bettafish at 6:58 PM on March 5, 2008

What, like you don't have a shit balcony? What are you, the Prince of Wales?

In the Royal Navy, they call it a poop deck.
posted by b1tr0t at 8:43 PM on March 5, 2008 [3 favorites]

That Kirk Douglas story is great, both as a story, and also because it's sexy, and he gets his suitable revenge.

It's a good story, but I read his autobiography , and his first time was with his teacher.
posted by oneirodynia at 11:17 PM on March 5, 2008

The whole point is that she was a disgusting bigot.

silly me, i forgot, bigotry trumps misogyny on the internet.
posted by mikoroshi at 12:45 AM on March 6, 2008

silly me, i forgot, bigotry trumps misogyny on the internet.

Misogyny is hate for all women, not hate for one particularly awful and bigoted one.
posted by brevator at 8:04 AM on March 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

“silly me, i forgot, bigotry trumps misogyny on the internet.”
- posted by mikoroshi

Says the person who’s last post was about donkies with stereotypical accents who thinks women being forced to have sex with animals http://www.metafilter.com/69636/My-father-he-was-a-donkey-and-my-mother-was-a-Brazillian-whore is comical.
(Father a donkey, mother was a Brazillian whore - that’s neither racist nor mysogynist, amirite?)

It is telling that I used a reference to the Douglas story as my title for this post. I like things that are, y’know, funny. I also think dhartung’s reading comprehension is vastly superior to yours.

And I think it’s telling you find the Douglas story disgusting when I, and apparently most of the rest of us, find the LaMotta story far more disturbing and illustrative in terms of misogyny.
But illustrating something or posting on it does not - in y’know the real world - require an endorsement or advocation of it. These are things that happened, often in folks’ own words. I thought it was interesting, so I shared it. Whatever else you infer is your own hang up.
posted by Smedleyman at 8:42 AM on March 6, 2008

you are right about that, see thats a story not an anecdote, you're also arrogant and condescending, but thats to be expected.

i think you and dhartung read into that story what you needed to to justify enjoying a womans humiliation. just like you needed to post an account of an actual violent rape (LaMotta) to justify posting the Douglas story, which is clearly the one that got you all bothered in the first place.

you are also right in the end, though, not enjoying lavish accounts of womens humiliation is clearly my hangup. maybe a little est, huh?
posted by mikoroshi at 2:05 PM on March 7, 2008

“not enjoying lavish accounts of womens humiliation is clearly my hangup. maybe a little est, huh?”

Interesting /= enjoyment. I never said you had to enjoy it. I said it was interesting. You found it interesting enough to comment on. You found what Douglas did offensive. I have no beef with that position. End of story.

“i think you and dhartung read into that story what you needed to to justify enjoying a womans humiliation.”

I can’t speak for dhartung (although I suspect it’s the same), but I can say without equivocation you are completely wrong. The reason being that I know, first hand, what I enjoy and what I don’t.
I think it’s the height of presumptive arrogance and condescension to assert that your opinion as to what I think is more valid than my explicit statement as to what I think.

“you are right about that, see thats a story not an anecdote”

I’m quite aware of the nature and tone of your post. I’m surprised (then again perhaps I shouldn’t be) you did not make the connection between my illustrative albeit sarcastic ‘mis’reading of your post and intent and the implication that you have misread my intent.
Allow me to make it more clear - you’ve misread the intent of my post.

“just like you needed to post an account of an actual violent rape (LaMotta) to justify posting the Douglas story”

I posted an actual rape not to justify anything, but to show an interesting facet of a well known individual (LaMotta) who I, and I suspect others, didn’t know. I knew of LaMotta only through his boxing career, a few short interviews and the film “Raging Bull” which did explore some of those issues, but not something of this depth. So it was surprising to me.

Really, I don’t give a damn what you think of me or anything else. I have no reason to say anything other than the exact truth of what I think and feel concerning my motivations. If that doesn’t convince you of my veracity, then what, exactly, the fuck are you going to do about it if I am a misogynist?

But - moot point, I’m not. I’ve always supported women’s rights. And I’m far far more a feminist and aware of women’s issues now that I have a daughter. Again, you can either apply Occam’s razor and accept the plain truth of my statements or continue in your apparent pattern of not posting much yourself and spending about half your time here grinding an axe and/or criticizing other people’s posts and casting insulting aspersions.
Gee, seems like you got a whole lot of kudos on your last one, didn’t it? (That’s sarcasm btw)

So why don’t you take your own advice: “the generally accepted rule on Metafilter is, if you don't care for something you flag it and move on, you don't keep popping back to cast insulting aspersions and attempt to "rally support" for the not-funny. If you don't see the funny, flag and move on.”
posted by Smedleyman at 12:09 PM on March 8, 2008

"...read into that story what you needed to to justify enjoying a womans humiliation"

How was she humiliated mikoroshi?
posted by Smedleyman at 12:30 PM on March 8, 2008