...sorry...

September 9, 2008 8:17 PM

Kim Jong Ill.
posted by Artw (86 comments total)

I see what you did there.
posted by ColdChef at 8:19 PM on September 9, 2008 [11 favorites]

I don't think you're sorry enough.
posted by orange swan at 8:22 PM on September 9, 2008 [9 favorites]

I'll wish him better when I've stopped giggling. This may take some time. Also you owe me a new keyboard.
posted by motty at 8:22 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

The joke isn't the pun. It's the delay from reading the post description and then reading the title as an apology. Hilarious!
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:24 PM on September 9, 2008

Oh no you didn't just do that there.
posted by iamkimiam at 8:24 PM on September 9, 2008

This may well be the worst post ever that we have to keep because it's so good.
posted by yhbc at 8:25 PM on September 9, 2008 [11 favorites]

Oh, and flagged. This post is thinner than the gruel that North Koreans might be lucky enough to get from their dictator.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:26 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Him Song Kill
posted by empath at 8:27 PM on September 9, 2008

According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess. So if he lived in the U.S., he could be in Congress.
posted by netbros at 8:29 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Kim is prepared to hand over power to his son, Menta Li Il.
posted by netbros at 8:32 PM on September 9, 2008 [17 favorites]

As far as I know, this story hasn't been reported in the media, but it is true. When Madeline Albright visited North Korea in 2000, one of the gifts she brought was a Playstation and a large library of games. Kim Jong Il loved it, and immediately became addicted, giving the grownups a little more flexibility to talk among themselves, as intended. So my guess is that he's playing Metal Gear Solid 4 right now.
posted by gsteff at 8:35 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

I bet it's that awful Hans Brix's fault.
posted by Effigy2000 at 8:35 PM on September 9, 2008

What will happen to the pride of the Pyongyang zoo, the Kim Jong Eel?
posted by Bromius at 8:37 PM on September 9, 2008

This is why we can't have nice things.

I see no problem with the joke in the original post, and though I'd agree it's a bit thin (ok, to be fair, downright emaciated) I wouldn't flag it myself. Some of the subsequent comments based on racist stereotypes stemming from pronunciation issues between Western and Oriental languages? Not so much.

Bah.
posted by motty at 8:39 PM on September 9, 2008 [4 favorites]

North Korea's Kim 'has collapsed'

I smell a euphemism.
posted by not_on_display at 8:42 PM on September 9, 2008

And only 67 -- so young! (...compared to, oh, let's say, a 72-year-old...)
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 8:43 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Actually the pronunciation jokes were a reference a song from to Team America: World Police, which was Trey Parker and Matt Stone's racist stereotype.
posted by matildaben at 8:43 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Does he have a license?
posted by The Straightener at 8:43 PM on September 9, 2008 [7 favorites]

Elvis has left the building....
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 8:57 PM on September 9, 2008

DEAR ADMINS SHALL DELETE IMPERIALIST-SPLITTIST FPP FOR ACCOMPLISHMENT OF METAFILTER NATIONAL SELF-DETERMINATION AND GREATER JUCHE!!!!!!!11111one111stalin111
posted by Avenger at 8:58 PM on September 9, 2008 [9 favorites]

I'm going to do a post as soon as the Republican candidate for president becomes to old to walk without assistance, and I am going to call it John Mc Cane.

And I will know I deserve it when you all beat me to death with your fists. All except you, Art. You've given up your right to beat me to death with your fists for making a post rooted in a pun about news events.
posted by Astro Zombie at 9:09 PM on September 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

Chinese bloggers' jokes.

"McCain chose WHO?"

His personal life is in keeping with his malignant narcissism.

uh oh. Kim Jong-woon favoured to be his father's successor.
posted by nickyskye at 9:10 PM on September 9, 2008 [3 favorites]

If only the whole North Korea thing would collapse and North and South unite. The Koreans are extremely productive with a fine sense of aesthetic and fantastic craftsmanship.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 9:16 PM on September 9, 2008

Some of the subsequent comments based on racist stereotypes stemming from pronunciation issues between Western and Oriental languages? Not so much.

Oh, nonsense. English-speakers punning on Asian names is no more racist than if they made fun of names like Hooker or Hogg — which they are just as quick to do.
posted by orange swan at 9:17 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

Insomuch as there is barely a thread here to derail...

From the Chinese bloggers jokes link:

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a conversation.
The Briton: “I feel happiest when relaxing before the fireplace on a winter night.”
Frenchman: “You guys are too old fashioned. I feel happiest when I go on vacation with a beautiful blonde and then beak up with her up on my way home.”

Beak up what with the who now?
posted by salishsea at 9:35 PM on September 9, 2008

Dress to Repress
posted by milkrate at 9:36 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

This is the greatest post of its kind since davebug said: Ok, talk to you later.
posted by Kattullus at 9:42 PM on September 9, 2008

I'm going to do a post as soon as the Republican candidate for president becomes to old to walk without assistance, and I am going to call it John Mc Cane.

Invisible Walker
posted by Poolio at 9:44 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

Iraq is a somewhat less deadly place, Dr Rice had a friendly sit-down with Qaddafi last week, and the potential for this to be a replay of 1989.

Hate to say it, but Bush might actually see the world a bit better when he goes than how he found it in 2001. Here's hopin'.
posted by troy at 9:44 PM on September 9, 2008

"We see such reports as not only worthless, but rather as a conspiracy plot," Song Il-ho was reported as saying.

I'm glad that Baghdad Bob has found new, stable employment.
posted by ob at 9:47 PM on September 9, 2008

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
LANA TURNER HAS COLLAPSED!
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collapsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up

--Frank O'Hara
posted by stresstwig at 9:48 PM on September 9, 2008 [4 favorites]

salishsea: it's typos mixed in with bad translation. The Chinese text says "The happiest thing is to go with a beautiful blonde to the Mediterranean on vacation, and then part ways amicably."
posted by casarkos at 9:58 PM on September 9, 2008

uh oh. Kim Jong-woon favoured to be his father's successor.

From The Atlantic Monthly (2005):

Why he might be the next Dear Leader: Kim Jong Il's former sushi chef has said that Kim Jong Un is the most favored of the three sons, because of his striking resemblance to his father.

Why he might not be: He doesn't appear to have held any significant positions in government, and tradition suggests that as the youngest son he is unlikely to be picked.

Verdict: Dark horse. Like Jong Chol, he no longer has his mother around to influence Kim Jong Il.

In any event I'm sure the military is more than ready to step in, in the absence of a clear-cut successor.
posted by tellurian at 10:05 PM on September 9, 2008

Dr Rice had a friendly sit-down with Qaddafi last week, and the potential for this to be a replay of 1989.

"I support my darling black African woman. I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders. ... Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. ... I love her very much. I admire her, and I'm proud of her, because she's a black woman of African origin."

I think they're soulmates.
posted by homunculus at 10:08 PM on September 9, 2008

Kim is prepared to hand over power to his son, Menta Li Il.

Kim is his family name. As it is with approximately 21% of all Koreans. Try harder.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:12 PM on September 9, 2008

Also, I hope that pompadoured little motherfucker dies in slow agony. Then gets revived. Then fucking dies again, in even more agony.

The Koreans are extremely productive with a fine sense of aesthetic and fantastic craftsmanship.

Ahahahahaha! Nice one. Have you ever actually been here?
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 10:14 PM on September 9, 2008 [2 favorites]

So the next leader of North Korea is supposed to be Kim Jong-woon?

"Kim Jong-woon (born August 24, 1984), better known by his stage name Yesung, is a singer, former DJ, occasional actor, and a member of Korean boy band Super Junior."
posted by Merik at 10:18 PM on September 9, 2008

As per stresstwig above, I'm much more interested in knowing how Lana Turner's doing, actually.
posted by blucevalo at 10:22 PM on September 9, 2008

North Korean diplomat says Kim not ill

"We see such reports as not only worthless, but rather as a conspiracy plot"
posted by Artw at 10:27 PM on September 9, 2008

(Kyodo apparently gets it's Korean to Japanese to English translation done by the people who dub third-rate manga... that or NK Diplomats really do say things like "I believe the aim is to form a public opinion on something that is not true... Western media have reported falsehood before.")
posted by Artw at 10:30 PM on September 9, 2008

is it too soon to

.

?
posted by es el queso at 10:41 PM on September 9, 2008

Couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.

Oh wait...
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 10:41 PM on September 9, 2008

Actually, I just checked it out and see that Kim hasn't updated his journal in a while.
posted by tellurian at 10:47 PM on September 9, 2008

I get the feeling that it's anti-propoganda and it's a deliberately poor translation.

Based on casarkos' "The happiest thing is to go with a beautiful blonde to the Mediterranean on vacation, and then part ways amicably." literal and Artw's "I believe the aim is to form a public opinion on something that is not true... Western media have reported falsehood before."...

I parse it as that the NK official was saying that the news of Kim's stroke is a falsehood intended to cause discourse in NK; discourse that could very well have negative consequences for the current administration.

Like saying that Obama is Muslim or that Larry Craig is a Democrat, or something.
posted by porpoise at 10:53 PM on September 9, 2008

This has nothing to do w/ Kim Jong Il...
from milkrate's link:
"Alvedazane"

?

So...uh, they really have no idea what they're hearing on these shows and then try to type it out without looking it up or anything? I mean, not even a (sp?) or [sic] or anything at all?
----

Pertaining to Kim Jong Il...

...the only constant is change. I can only hope for the sake of those suffering under the rule of successive madmen that this somehow introduces a gap in the chitinous armour of these bastards and allows some sort of positive change into their society. Doubtful and unlikely, but it would be seriously beautiful if it did.
posted by batmonkey at 11:00 PM on September 9, 2008 [1 favorite]

*loquacious suddenly turns into LOQZILLA, a hundred-foot tall rubbery monster with bad breath, bellowing profanity*

YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT, ARTW. OH. OH? YOU DID? YOU DID. OH. OK.

*LOQZILLA shrinks back down to a naked^*, shivering and rather confused loquacious and sheepishly hands Artw a Nobel Peace Prize medallion*


^*What, you've never read or have seen The Hulk? Has anyone seen my towel?
posted by loquacious at 11:05 PM on September 9, 2008

flagged as fantastic
posted by dawson at 11:15 PM on September 9, 2008

Yeah, the "me wuv you wong time" comments are pretty shitty. The post itself is a lexicographic/typographic pun.

The Koreans are extremely productive with a fine sense of aesthetic and fantastic craftsmanship.

LOLHYUNDAIDAEWOOWTFBBQ!?
posted by loquacious at 11:21 PM on September 9, 2008

Insomuch as there is barely a thread here to derail...

From the Chinese bloggers jokes link:

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a conversation.
The Briton: “I feel happiest when relaxing before the fireplace on a winter night.”
Frenchman: “You guys are too old fashioned. I feel happiest when I go on vacation with a beautiful blonde and then beak up with her up on my way home.”

Beak up what with the who now?

I heard that joke recently but it was an Saudii version.

A Briton, a Saudi, and a North Korean are having a conversation.
The Briton: “I feel happiest when relaxing before the fireplace after I did not brush my teeth.”
North Korean: "Our great leader invented outer space."
Saudi: “You guys are too old fashioned. I feel happiest when I go on vacation with a beautiful blonde and then have her executed in a honor killing when we get back home.”
posted by Mr_Zero at 11:42 PM on September 9, 2008

The official said Mr Kim had collapsed, but did not say when or how serious his condition was. He said he had not died.

Kim Jong-il is dead.

Read between the lines.
posted by dhammond at 12:02 AM on September 10, 2008

This is why we can finally have nice things.
posted by nicwolff at 12:13 AM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

wasn't there a rumor that he's been dead for a while, and it's his doubles at state functions now? something about different audio recordings not matching up?
posted by eustatic at 12:16 AM on September 10, 2008

wasn't there a rumor that he's been dead for a while, and it's his doubles at state functions now?

This is a rumor that has been spread about pretty much every world leader since Abraham Lincoln, and it hasn't been true yet.

Also Paul McCartney.

Seriously, this rumor was spread about Lincoln. Plus ca change and whatever.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:46 AM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

LOLHYUNDAIDAEWOO

Actually, Hyundai/Kia and Daewoo cars (to which I assume you're referring) have seen huge improvements since the 90's and been winning best-build-quality awards in their price ranges for several years running. For what it's worth.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:58 AM on September 10, 2008

OK, I guess this thread isn't being deleted. So:

When Dear Leader finally topples from his platform shoes, who is likely to succeed him?
posted by pracowity at 1:13 AM on September 10, 2008

Survey says cadre of old-guard military cronies of Great Leader Daddy Kim Il Sung, with a grandson as puppet frontman. They can't get away from the triple whammies of Communist Dynastic inclinations, the ingrained cult of personality, and the Korean blood-power first-born-son famililar piety imperative without shit blowing up in their faces.

Alternate guess: Fond Leader.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:19 AM on September 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Oh great, another day of 'America, Fuck Yeah!' rattling round my head.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:50 AM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

'famililar' is a pretty awesome word, but I mean 'familial'. Whoops.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 1:53 AM on September 10, 2008

I was kind of hoping that this would be a post about a Korean rapper who's a dead ringer for Kim Jong Il.
posted by crataegus at 2:56 AM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I can only hope for the sake of those suffering under the rule of successive madmen that this somehow introduces a gap in the chitinous armour of these bastards and allows some sort of positive change into their society. Doubtful and unlikely, but it would be seriously beautiful if it did. -batmonkey

USA? UK? Italy? Burma? Sudan? etc. etc.

We could all do with a change in our societies.
posted by asok at 3:00 AM on September 10, 2008

Sometimes, it's worth it for the pun alone.
posted by nthdegx at 3:41 AM on September 10, 2008

USA? UK? Italy? Burma? Sudan? etc. etc.

We could all do with a change in our societies.

I agree. For a start, we could all strive to avoid trite observations that have no real bearing on the topic at hand.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 3:55 AM on September 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

It must be our new super-secret weapon in action.
posted by rand at 5:44 AM on September 10, 2008

When Dear Leader finally topples from his platform shoes, who is likely to succeed him?

That would be Sarah Palin. It'll be like the old North Korea, but with sass!
posted by octobersurprise at 6:14 AM on September 10, 2008 [4 favorites]

- Mr Kim is seen in the West as both a master manipulator, and delusional madman

- He has a reputation as a drinker, a playboy and a hypochondriac

I think he just got crazy drunk, woke up with a horrific hangover, and, like everyone who has ever been in that situation, convinced himself that it 1.) he was dying and 2.) he's never going to drink again.

Neither of which is actually true.
posted by quin at 7:32 AM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Speaking of rumours from the land of crazy, did anyone ever working out what happened with that train explosion a few years back in North Korea? Seemed like the usual industrial accident, except it happened just a few hours after Kim Jong Il passed through that exact train station.
posted by Nelson at 8:03 AM on September 10, 2008

OK, I guess this thread isn't being deleted.

I'm vaguely shocked by that as well.
posted by Artw at 8:30 AM on September 10, 2008

For a start, we could all strive to avoid trite observations that have no real bearing on the topic at hand. -Lentrohamsanin

I was just struck by the simularity of this comment to what most people in the world think of the US:

I can only hope for the sake of those suffering under the rule of successive madmen that this somehow introduces a gap in the chitinous armour of these bastards and allows some sort of positive change into their society. Doubtful and unlikely, but it would be seriously beautiful if it did.

I included the other countries to illustrate the ubiquitousness of this situation.

You may now return to your scheduled snarking.
posted by asok at 9:03 AM on September 10, 2008

Headless state found in topless bar.
posted by fourcheesemac at 9:49 AM on September 10, 2008

Can stroke be induced via chemical means? Like in the water at a 5-party talk?
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:03 AM on September 10, 2008

According to Kim Jong-Il's biography, they say he has been constantly accused of dishonesty, drunkenness and sexual excess.

The sexual excess aspect ties in with his deitic status. I do love that it's touted as an "accusation" as well. "My detractors accuse me of banging women - many, many gorgeous women. They say I have the sexual prowess of a lion on methamphetamines, and claim the walls of my spacious and sexy bedroom need to be hosed down at the end of each weekend. Because of all the sex."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:19 AM on September 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

asok:
"USA? UK? Italy? Burma? Sudan? etc. etc.

We could all do with a change in our societies."

Precisely. That's my sincere hope for all people living under the rule of the powermad.

In another thread, there was a picture of the North Korean dam that broke their nation irrevocably with the privileged playing on it and swimming in the water it holds back. When I saw that picture, I thought of conversations I've had with people from the Koreas (and others in similar situations) who get a look that's both sad and wistful when considering what their nation could have been if the people were allowed to be free and the focus of the government was on making that nation the best it could be instead of how it could best serve their greed and delusions of grandeur. I'm not ashamed to admit that it made me cry a little.

How many people's lives have been wasted because of this kind of irrationality being allowed to head entire nations? I truly wish there were something more direct and beneficial that could be done about it, but...what?
posted by batmonkey at 11:44 AM on September 10, 2008

The same way most dictators are taken down: bloody revolt. The N.Koreans dont want to do it, thus the madman continues to hold power.
posted by damn dirty ape at 11:48 AM on September 10, 2008

I wonder about that, dda.

Like, I seriously spend time picturing the whole thing from start to finish from a couple of people deciding they've had enough through the whole (bound to be) horrific revolt to the end they hope to achieve, and I've started to think there must be a better way. For one, the powers-that-be are sure to call in governments they're friendly with to suppress any uprising, and the loss of life and demoralisation would be immense, seemingly dooming any effort using this tactic.

There's got to be some other way, right? Are we always doomed to rely upon willingly sacrificing ourselves to the bloodthirsty and evil?
posted by batmonkey at 12:15 PM on September 10, 2008

Is Al Green?
Is James Brown?
(...or, for that matter, is Jackson Browne?)
Is Marvin Gaye?
posted by ZenMasterThis at 12:53 PM on September 10, 2008

There's got to be some other way, right? Are we always doomed to rely upon willingly sacrificing ourselves to the bloodthirsty and evil?

It's not about who you sacrifice yourself to, it's about what you sacrifice yourself for.

And yes, I think that's the only way; at least it's the only way that seems to work reliably. A lot of people have to decide that the situation is so intolerable that they're willing to both kill and die for it to happen.
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:02 PM on September 10, 2008

Him Song Kill

No Kill I
posted by CynicalKnight at 1:16 PM on September 10, 2008

>There's got to be some other way, right?

Nope. Historically, the first couple of revolts never take. After a couple failed tries people start getting revenge on the brain and by then they have a better idea of how many are on their side and what foreign powers have to offer. In the modern world it seems the military starts these kinds of things now. When was the last big peasant revolt? Well, in N.Korea the military is the government, so you cant bank on them. Considering they need rice from the west to feed themselves but still manage to spend 6 billion on the military annually, well, lets say Kim's gonna be in power for a long time.

Not to mention people love communism. They see capitalism as decadent and nonspiritual. Its a cynical system that makes people love their oppressors.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:20 PM on September 10, 2008

Oh, and while the workers slave away in fields singing their communist anthems, Kim is selling heroin to the west.
posted by damn dirty ape at 1:35 PM on September 10, 2008

I guess I should have worn my "Kim Jong is ill'in" t-shirt today.
Damn
posted by captaincrouton at 1:51 PM on September 10, 2008

He got so scared by the thought of having to deal with Sarah Palin that he had a massive heart attack.

The free world needs her magic.
posted by matteo at 2:23 PM on September 10, 2008

“Can stroke be induced via chemical means? Like in the water at a 5-party talk?”

No, you couldn’t take some kind of GMP-140, nicotine (or pseudoephedrine) compound and inject him in the ascending pharyngeal artery near the stylopharyngeus.
Don’t know where you heard that a glut of protein cell adhesion molecules combined with a vessel constricting agent can cause a heart attack or stroke, but, uh... that’s just crazy talk.

“A lot of people have to decide that the situation is so intolerable that they're willing to both kill and die for it to happen.”

Yeah, although you had a sort of soft revolution in the U.S.S.R. - it had some really dicey moments though. Communication is the big key. Although eventually, yeah, you have to fight and maybe die.
Still, that’s why (ultimately) people succeed. They’re fighting for life and liberty, or they’re starving or maybe because the forces that be wiped out their family. They’re a lot more motivated than someone who’s been fat, dumb and happy at the top of the food chain.

Actually, Orwell presents the most plausible check to that (the guys at the top getting soft) in 1984. Still - wouldn’t work. The psychology of power seekers, sociopaths, etc. It would get unbalanced eventually. Of course, it could go the other way - far too hard - and they’d begin to eradicate the population. Which has happened. But there again, genocide, there’s not a whole lot to lose if they’re going to kill you anyway.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:45 PM on September 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

“I truly wish there were something more direct and beneficial that could be done about it, but...what?”

And therein lies the conundrum. Too much direct action - how long before you become them? Why is it you (or I) know better? And what give us the right to kill or detain or make war - etc?
I think it’s that kind of introspection that separates these types of people from most of the rest of us.
Doesn’t mitigate the overall suffering, and it might take a few generations, but eventually with hard work and vigilance it does get fixed.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:54 PM on September 10, 2008

Kim is his family name. As it is with approximately 21% of all Koreans. Try harder.

Actually, Letterman did the joke years ago and flogged it for ages.
posted by krinklyfig at 6:48 PM on September 10, 2008

"Kim Jong-woon (born August 24, 1984), better known by his stage name Yesung, is a singer, former DJ, occasional actor, and a member of Korean boy band Super Junior."

Hey, he has foreign policy experience. North Korea is right next to China, you know.
posted by EarBucket at 5:09 AM on September 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

The Economist stole your headline.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 12:33 AM on September 12, 2008