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Does bacon really make everything better?
November 21, 2008 10:10 AM   Subscribe

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: --- The Turbaconducken.
posted by empath (73 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
If there is a heaven, this is what they eat there.
posted by Caduceus at 10:13 AM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


Behold - the only thing greater than yourself.
posted by cimbrog at 10:13 AM on November 21, 2008


Wait - I just noticed the tags.

Clive Barker?
posted by cimbrog at 10:14 AM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


I'll admit, I was hoping it would be a ducken in the stomach of an anaconda eaten by a turkey. But this is still amazing.
posted by Lemurrhea at 10:15 AM on November 21, 2008


I take issue with the name. To reflect the naming structure of the original, it should be called baconturbacondubaconken.

Also, not being de-boned probably makes for a huge pain in the ass trying to carve this thing.
posted by owtytrof at 10:19 AM on November 21, 2008 [4 favorites]


I have to call bullshit. If they consulted a recipe, they'd know that all the bird meats need to be boned!
posted by Pollomacho at 10:19 AM on November 21, 2008


thanks to the internet, I'm now bored with bacon.
posted by boo_radley at 10:21 AM on November 21, 2008 [4 favorites]


That finished product reminds me quite vividly of the headcrabs from Half-Life; it's sitting there, just waiting to leap off the platter. I imagine this is basically the recipe for those chickens from Eraser Head, only turbocharged. Seriously, if y'all want to make terrifying meat golems, be my guest, but don't come crying back when they decide to feast on your brains and rip out your soul with their bacony claws.
posted by CheshireCat at 10:22 AM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


If they consulted a recipe, they'd know that all the bird meats need to be boned!

Reminds me of a Metatalk thread.
posted by turaho at 10:23 AM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


The meat analogue version is aptly named Quortempeseitfu.
posted by gman at 10:26 AM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


Yeah, pretty lazy work there. Bone that poultry.
posted by fixedgear at 10:28 AM on November 21, 2008


I like bacon as much as the next guy, but I draw the line at any dish that looks like someone decapitated the Predator and put his head on a plate.
posted by empyrean at 10:28 AM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


If they consulted a recipe, they'd know that all the bird meats need to be boned!

Reminds me of a Metatalk thread.


So long as you don't acuse my last post of being eponysterical, I'm fine with that.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:29 AM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


*barf*
posted by sentinel chicken at 10:30 AM on November 21, 2008


I think you should wrap this post in bacon.
posted by scarello at 10:35 AM on November 21, 2008


There is no god.

In other news, Sarah Palin gives an interview while turkeys are decapitated in the background.
posted by cjorgensen at 10:37 AM on November 21, 2008


It looks like the turned the dog inside-out. Seriously disgusting.
posted by paisley henosis at 10:37 AM on November 21, 2008


And just like that, I'm a vegetarian.
posted by swift at 10:38 AM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


I'll admit, I was hoping it would be a ducken in the stomach of an anaconda eaten by a turkey.

At first glance, I thought it would be a condor.
posted by LionIndex at 10:38 AM on November 21, 2008


Nope, it's not quite enough.

Start with an ortolan and stuff it inside a cornish hen. Hen goes in the duck, duck goes in the chicken, chicken goes in the turkey, and the turkey goes inside of an ostrich. Fill the remaining voids inside the ostrich with sausage meat, and wrap the entire thing with bacon. Rub liberally with pure lard, bread, and deep fry it.

Serve with a linen napkin.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:39 AM on November 21, 2008 [6 favorites]


The new season of Top Chef has already had five or six bacon dishes. It's really lazy cooking at this point to say "but now with bacon!"
posted by Bookhouse at 10:42 AM on November 21, 2008


Sure, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
posted by DU at 10:43 AM on November 21, 2008


mmm bacon.

what?
posted by lunit at 10:44 AM on November 21, 2008


I'm waiting for someone to stuff an ostrich with turducken. Then wrap that in bacon.
posted by giraffe at 10:46 AM on November 21, 2008


I am a huge fan of bacon. I put it in salads, sandwiches, omelets, even dipped in maple syrup as a tasty side to a stack of pancakes and I'm still waiting for the glorious day I get to try one of these. But seriously, this is just over the line. The bacon enthusiasts have gone too far.

The time it would take to prepare and cook on top of the impracticality and the fact that any one who tries eats this is going to make them selves sick is reason enough to say nay.

I believe this is the first time in my whole life that the mention of bacon is not a good thing.
posted by SheMulp AKA Plus 1 at 10:47 AM on November 21, 2008


...As thousands of vegans reach for Tegretol
posted by terranova at 10:51 AM on November 21, 2008


In other news, Sarah Palin gives an interview while turkeys are decapitated in the background.

I don't really see how this is a faux pass. I mean if you can't see turkeys being slaughtered you don't deserve to eat them.
posted by Citizen Premier at 10:53 AM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Need. To. Make. (glove boned, of course)

Hmm, I know I can get unsliced sides of bacon... maybe hot-smoke a side of raw bacon and stuff it in the middle?
posted by porpoise at 10:58 AM on November 21, 2008


And this really pales in comparison to the Turgodumalguineafochickpheapapigwoodcock. That shit's so bad ass, the link doesn't even work anymore.
posted by gman at 10:58 AM on November 21, 2008


It looks like the turned the dog inside-out. Seriously disgusting.

If I may be allowed to quote myself, "AAAAAUUUGH! ZOMBIE TURKEY!" ohgodohgodohgodohgoddonotletiteatme

...I mean seriously, it looks like Kevin Bacon. The not-good one.
posted by kittyprecious at 11:04 AM on November 21, 2008


Well, we killed it.

The site, not the turblahblahblahblahducken bacon thing, obviously.
posted by schyler523 at 11:10 AM on November 21, 2008


Giraffe, you were beaten to the punch.
posted by thsmchnekllsfascists at 11:10 AM on November 21, 2008


Yeah, pretty lazy work there. Bone that poultry.

Yep. If you're not going to do it right, don't bother, and if you bother anyway, certainly don't post it on the internet.

That said, this is making me wonder how many different porks I can tastefully and artfully combine. I was already going to stuff a pork loin, and it would be easy--and delicious--to add pork sausage to the stuffing...
posted by uncleozzy at 11:10 AM on November 21, 2008


In uncooked form, that thing is terrifying. It wouldn't even occur to me that it was food. It looks like the head and shoulders of some horrible skinned demon and my first impulse would be to run out of the room before the fucker saw me and stood up.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:24 AM on November 21, 2008


(I have a really active imagination, though)
posted by kittens for breakfast at 11:25 AM on November 21, 2008


If you guys weren't such pussies, you would stuff the whole thing in an Amur leopard and deep-fry the works.
posted by Mister_A at 11:25 AM on November 21, 2008


They left out the sausage stuffing
posted by Capt Jingo at 11:25 AM on November 21, 2008


In uncooked form, that thing is terrifying.

Only in uncooked form?
posted by gurple at 11:25 AM on November 21, 2008


Actually I find the thing more disturbing in cooked form. Uncooked, it looks like a prop from a bad horror movie. Cooked, it looks like something that some crazy person, someday, might try to serve me at a meal.

It's the Uncanny Valley of the Theoretically Edible.
posted by gurple at 11:27 AM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


Why ruin the bacon with all that turkey, chicken, and duck?

There is only one true bacon dish to rule them all, and it's name is Chicken Fried Bacon. The BLT at Tony's on I75 is a close second.

Diluting bacon with other, lesser meat is heresy.
posted by The World Famous at 11:33 AM on November 21, 2008


I would imagine that much bacon would make the rest of the meat taste like pork and have a pretty fatty mouthfeel to it. There's a much simpler way to accomplish this.

1. Dig pit.
2. Build fire.
3. Roast pig.
posted by Tehanu at 11:33 AM on November 21, 2008


They left out the Iphone.
posted by Wet Spot at 11:34 AM on November 21, 2008


It's time that we developed food that resembles transporter accidents.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:36 AM on November 21, 2008 [5 favorites]


uncleozzy : I was already going to stuff a pork loin, and it would be easy--and delicious--to add pork sausage to the stuffing...

There's a great local butcher near me that sells their "famous" stuffed pork chops and one day my husband and I bought four of them. First of all these things are about five inches thick. Secondly, we were amazed to discover that they were not stuffed with any kind of bread-based stuffing, but with...Pork Sausage! Pork, stuffed with a huge amount of pork! (I still sometimes have flashbacks to the pure overindulgence of MEAT that these things were.)

If only they had also wrapped them in bacon.
posted by threeturtles at 11:39 AM on November 21, 2008


That sounds like the title of a Motorhead song.
posted by cazoo at 11:42 AM on November 21, 2008


Pork, stuffed with a huge amount of pork!

Is it hot in here?
posted by uncleozzy at 11:54 AM on November 21, 2008


Oh tempura, oh more(bacons)

And this really pales in comparison to the Turgodumalguineafochickpheapapigwoodcock. That shit's so bad ass, the link doesn't even work anymore.

I'm guessing this was originally about the River Cottage Multi-bird Roast.
posted by zamboni at 12:01 PM on November 21, 2008


six degrees of layered bacon
posted by oaf at 12:17 PM on November 21, 2008


My mouth is watering about as much as my ass at this point.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 12:22 PM on November 21, 2008


Uhh, gross?
posted by Mister_A at 12:46 PM on November 21, 2008


A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with a good friend from high school, who lives near me, but whom I rarely see. This is a nice, mild-mannered guy who also happens to be completely un-savvy of anything relating to pop-culture or, in particular, teh interwebs.

So as we're making cheeseburgers, his wife asks if I'd like bacon on that cheeseburger (as naturally I would.) Without thinking aboiut it, I make some sort of reference to this comment, whereupon my friend damn near loses his shit.

"What's this sudden deal with bacon? I don't get it! I mean, I like bacon and everything, but why is bacon supposedly now the greatest thing ever and the funniest thing ever and... I just don't get it!"

I didn't have the heart to tell him that at that exact moment I realized that all of hipster culture is an elaborate joke on him personally.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:30 PM on November 21, 2008 [3 favorites]


What they ought to have done was to fill that thing with some almonds, wurst, and whiskey, and then to saturate it with an infusion of something like a chipotle cranberry cheddar/apple brie sauce mixture. Douse it in some port if baked, sage oil if deep-fried.
posted by Demogorgon at 1:35 PM on November 21, 2008


Ah yes, I see the Multi-bird Roast zamboni linked to has the right idea.

"For the stuffing, you need 1 kilo of fatty sausagemeat, 250g streaky bacon, 100g breadcrumbs, fresh sage, brandy, port and red wine. You can also add chestnuts and/or apples."

I still think cheese should be somewhere in there though.
posted by Demogorgon at 1:38 PM on November 21, 2008


I still think cheese should be somewhere in there though.

You could put a whole peeled Gouda in the chicken. Smoked Gouda even.
posted by GuyZero at 1:49 PM on November 21, 2008


If there is a heaven, this is what they eat there.

Anti-Semite.
posted by Krrrlson at 1:52 PM on November 21, 2008


Anti-Semite.

Do we know if keeping Kosher is required in the afterlife? I mean, God's chosen people deserve a few perks in the afterlife for keeping the faith.
posted by GuyZero at 2:22 PM on November 21, 2008 [1 favorite]


Turkey > Barn Owl > Condor > Duck > Chicken

(For this to work though, you have to use ground owl, which is kind of a cop-out.)
posted by Sys Rq at 4:25 PM on November 21, 2008


Hey, I like bacon as much as the next guy.... >_>... Well, maybe not that guy... but bacontoday.com?
posted by lyam at 4:42 PM on November 21, 2008


In other news, Sarah Palin gives an interview while turkeys are decapitated in the background.

1. Cut republican into tiny pieces.
2. Stuff turkey with republican
3. Stuff moose with turkey
4. Wrap whole assemblage in bacon
5. Cook in pit for several days.

Bacomoosturublican feeds 40, and makes wonderful sandwiches.
posted by swell at 4:43 PM on November 21, 2008


You know, my friends camp at burning man last year was called "bacon without borders". Many many pounds of bacon were cooked and served. There was a whole pig.

We're all pretty crazy about bacon. And have committed some interesting culinary acts in pursuit of bacon. The plans for next year are amusing in scale, even if we only only manage a tenth of them.

But BaconToday.com is just too well put together. I am not comfortable with that level of professional presentation in bacon obsession.

I do want a bacon wrapped turducken, though. Yum. I wonder if it would work deep fried?
posted by flaterik at 5:57 PM on November 21, 2008


The cooked concoction looked mouth-wateringly good after pulling it out of the oven.

This term, "mouth-wateringly good"? I do not think it means what you think it means.
posted by piratebowling at 6:18 PM on November 21, 2008


I served turducken. Turducken was a friend of mine. You, chicken and duck pieces stuffed willy-nilly into a turkey, are no turducken.

That said, a layer of bacon alongside the stuffing layers might make for some awesomeness, and some bacon latticed atop any sort of roulade is a welcome addition. This? This is stupid and fail served with large ladle of weak sauce.
posted by Slap*Happy at 7:30 PM on November 21, 2008 [2 favorites]


I can't imagine the interior bacon--and the poultry skin under it--could be anything but rubbery and fatty and unpleasant. This is a bad idea.

Bacon is a great food, but a piss poor novelty item.
posted by neroli at 7:59 PM on November 21, 2008


boned or deboned?
posted by ism at 8:51 PM on November 21, 2008


Transporter Accidents would make an excellent band name.
posted by spock at 11:02 PM on November 21, 2008


the bacon flavours the meat!
posted by kliuless at 5:55 AM on November 22, 2008


You must name it from the outside in, guys. It's a BACturducken. Sheesh!
posted by pmbuko at 8:40 AM on November 22, 2008


You must name it from the outside in, guys. It's a BACturducken. Sheesh!

Wouldn't that be a BACturBACduckBACkenBAC?
posted by The World Famous at 8:59 AM on November 22, 2008



1,1,2,3-tetrabac-3-tur-2-ducken.

I think.

I'm a little rusty on my IUPAC meat nomenclature.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:08 PM on November 22, 2008



Or 1,1,2,3-tetrabac-2-duc-3-turken, even.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 12:10 PM on November 22, 2008 [1 favorite]


flateric - unfortunately, turducken can't theoretically be deep fried. Too much meat mass in the middle to get cooked through even with the handle-thingy going through the middle of it as a heat conductor.

palmcorder_yanjna ftw!
posted by porpoise at 10:19 AM on November 23, 2008


This is probably crazy-talk, but wouldn't it be theoretically possible to pre-cook the inner birds somewhat?
posted by flaterik at 2:45 AM on November 24, 2008


boned or deboned?

Lucky for you, you can have it both ways!
posted by Pollomacho at 6:35 AM on November 24, 2008


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