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No more guessing when to run and pee
May 21, 2009 9:40 PM   Subscribe

Every movie has a few scenes in there somewhere that aren't crucial to the plot. Every movie has a few minutes you can miss and not be lost when you sit back down. Now you can go see a movie and get that extra large soda without worrying about missing anything important. No more guessing when to run and pee!
posted by rhapsodie (64 comments total) 12 users marked this as a favorite

 
You are an incredible, wonderful person. My walnut-sized bladder is quivering with joy.
posted by Captain Cardanthian! at 9:50 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past: RunPee approximately one hour into the movie when... walk out straightaway in fact don't waste money on a ticket

Genius.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:53 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think only three or four of the movies listed actually had anything that even looked like sincere pee breaks listed; the rest were either slagging off the entire movie, or "no data yet" placeholders.

Interesting idea (though it would be more interesting if it weren't a Flash applet for no reason) but no meat on the bones.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:55 PM on May 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


Now that I have kids, when I'm watching a movie and need to pee, I typically go right after I hit the pause button.
posted by Crotalus at 10:01 PM on May 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


Hilariously, considering the twitter, blog, and the fact that they're "looking for partners" (click "Are you a movie reviewer?"), I think they actually think they're going to make money off of this? Pets.com IPOed in February 2000, and people still get the idea they can make billions on the internet with their goofy ideas. (Only Google gets to do that.)
posted by Super Hans at 10:02 PM on May 21, 2009


I just pee in the popcorn bucket.
posted by mazola at 10:04 PM on May 21, 2009


Good grief! What's the Metafilter abbeviation for "Too Gotdam Much Flash; Had to Run and Pee While Waiting For The Thing To Let Me Have My Computer Back"?
posted by Herodios at 10:06 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


why does the unscramble take so long? and why the flash? the idea amuses me, but the implementation needs some polish.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 10:06 PM on May 21, 2009


I use secret tantric techniques to reabsorb my pee through my bladder lining & convert it into pure masculine Chi energy.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:09 PM on May 21, 2009 [3 favorites]


your in too far if you think i like getting flashed that much.
posted by the aloha at 10:21 PM on May 21, 2009


It loaded already unscrambled for me. I didn't understand the "unscramble" button, so I hit it, and then it scrambled and re-unscrambled the text a little at a time. wtf?
Otherwise, interesting idea. I avoid cinema movies precisely because of the ginormous sodas and my inability to pace myself when given a ginormous soda.
posted by hypersloth at 10:27 PM on May 21, 2009


This is all Truffaut's fault. Rat-bastard auteur theory has taken away the power of people to cut movies down to a reasonable length. My own personal theory is that a skilled editor not beholden to the director could cut 15-20 minutes out of almost any movie made in the last decade and improve them 90% of the time. Microbudget indies, summer blockbusters, documentaries, you name it. They are all too damn long.

(The above could just be the ramblings of a grumpy man who has seen too many movies. And I don't really blame Truffaut. But I'm curious if empirical data would show that there's been serious running-time bloat in the past, oh, fifteen years or so.)
posted by Bookhouse at 10:29 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ummmmmmmmmm....... Correct me if I'm wrong but this fantastical nostalgic period of short movies you seem to cherish doesn't include "Paint Your Wagon" or that piece of shit "Ben Hur" does it?
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 10:32 PM on May 21, 2009 [2 favorites]


The pee moments that site suggests for Star Trek are terrible- you'll lose some nice moments in the subplot if you obey them. Pee when Old Spock settles in to start talking; that's when I left, and when I came back a couple minutes later, he was still talking and I could guess a pretty decent approximation of what he'd said. It's just exposition, and once you hear the first couple sentences, you can figure out the rest.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:34 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


I have not enough pee in me to get through 'Spanglish'.
posted by mazola at 10:39 PM on May 21, 2009


My own personal theory is that a skilled editor not beholden to the director could cut 15-20 minutes out of almost any movie made in the last decade and improve them 90% of the time.

Many movies do not really gain much from expanding upon the trailer.
posted by mazola at 10:41 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


Ummmmmmmmmm....... Correct me if I'm wrong but this fantastical nostalgic period of short movies you seem to cherish doesn't include "Paint Your Wagon" or that piece of shit "Ben Hur" does it?

I'm certainly not claiming that the long movie was invented recently. Or that all long movies are bad. What I am arguing (and again, it's a gut feeling) is that the average movie is more bloated than in the past. But also, if you'll read my second paragraph, I could be wrong.
posted by Bookhouse at 10:45 PM on May 21, 2009


I see someone whip out their cell phone while I'm watching a movie, and they won't have to worry about leaving to pee, because I'm shoving that thing right up their urethra.
posted by dirigibleman at 10:47 PM on May 21, 2009 [3 favorites]


Pee when Old Spock settles in to start talking; that's when I left, and when I came back a couple minutes later, he was still talking and I could guess a pretty decent approximation of what he'd said. It's just exposition, and once you hear the first couple sentences, you can figure out the rest.

so you missed the flashback to when he was snorting cocaine out of the navel of a hot vulcan callgirl?
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:26 PM on May 21, 2009


I always pee when a movie is at its loudest, so no one can hear the dripping down by my feet.
posted by ORthey at 11:38 PM on May 21, 2009 [8 favorites]


Man, that vulcan callgirl was SO HOT too!
can't believe you missed that, pseudo.

classy load screen, btw.
posted by The Esteemed Doctor Bunsen Honeydew at 11:39 PM on May 21, 2009


Jeez, it's like none of you freaks ever heard of a catheter!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:43 PM on May 21, 2009 [1 favorite]


catheter? i never even met 'er!
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:55 PM on May 21, 2009


Yet another regard in which Wolfram Alpha fails.
posted by Artw at 12:31 AM on May 22, 2009


Watch a movie in a traditional theatre in the netherlands... They always have an intermission exactly in the middle for you to have your 'lekker coffie' and pee break... This happens no matter what is going on in the movie, and rarely at a scene change -- you can be in the middle of a fight/chase scene and the movie will stop!

Although it is a fine opportunity to step out of an appalling and go to watch the second half of another one (cough showgirls cough)...

WTF is with the broken flash interface? Where is the search function?
posted by nielm at 12:56 AM on May 22, 2009


The Netherlands have got a few things sussed, that's for sure.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:51 AM on May 22, 2009


No need to wait for the, uh, torrent, then.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:02 AM on May 22, 2009 [2 favorites]


They stole my idea! This is so awesome. Is there an iPhone app version? Perhaps one that listens to the movie ala Midomi and then vibrates the phone when it's time to go and time to wrap up.

If not, they should steal that idea too.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 3:03 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


IMDB Film-Length Project:
In Excel, everyone’s favourite spreadsheet, I imported the
numbers again and sorted the ‘Running time’ column to get a
good look. I had to replace all the ‘mins’ with ” because
otherwise Excel doesn’t get it. Divide by zero et cetera, I
guess. Now I could finally make a sum and calculate the
average film-lenghts through the decades.

Here’s a graph of it:

10s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 79 minutes
20s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 98 minutes
30s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 96 minutes
40s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 109 minutes
50s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 114 minutes
60s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 127 minutes
70s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 125 minutes
80s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 129 minutes
90s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 127 minutes
00s ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■ 129 minutes

CONCLUSION
Yes, this sort of confirms everyone’s hypothesis that movies
have become longer. From an average of 79 minutes to a
whopping 129 minutes. That’s an increase of 63 percent! [...]
posted by pracowity at 3:06 AM on May 22, 2009 [4 favorites]


Really? The 10s are the only major outlier, and given that movies were basically a new form, it's not surprising they were composed unusually by contemporary standards. And given that all of the 1960s-2000s have basically identical values, nobody has actually made a rational judgement about the increase in movie length based on their personal experience of movies. Except for cranky WW2 vets, they are correct in saying so.
posted by mek at 3:36 AM on May 22, 2009


Yes, this sort of confirms everyone’s hypothesis that movies
have become longer. From an average of 79 minutes to a
whopping 129 minutes. That’s an increase of 63 percent!


Yeah, I have noticed this gradual bloat over the century that I have been watching movies.

Now if you will excuse me, it is almost daybreak, so back into the coffin I go.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:46 AM on May 22, 2009 [11 favorites]


Nice logo.
posted by HeroZero at 3:58 AM on May 22, 2009


When I was a kid, we'd go to this crappy (really crappy) theatre called The Devon, in Philadelphia. It was great because it had one screen, which you could see from the concession stand, as well as hear everything from the restroom! You never missed a thing!
They need to bring this theatre model back.
posted by orme at 4:00 AM on May 22, 2009


In spite of the fact that this information is only useful for first run movies, there will be a book version of this site.

Also, when we were waiting in line for the first LOTR movie, a girl on the way out said to my wife, "When the elf princess starts talking, that's when you can go pee."
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 4:30 AM on May 22, 2009


D'oh. I retract some of my previous kudos. "User Generated Content" means some people miss the point and try to be hilarious rather than telling me when it's safe to pee.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 4:33 AM on May 22, 2009


"When the elf princess starts talking, that's when you can go pee."

That's always been a rule of thumb with me.
posted by pracowity at 5:22 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Watch a movie in a traditional theatre in the netherlands... They always have an intermission exactly in the middle for you to have your 'lekker coffie' and pee break...

It never failed to amuse me when I was living in Italy how the "intermission" would invariably happen in the middle of a line of dialogue, since the projectionist probably decided it was time to go have a smoke and he'd already seen the damn thing.
posted by kittyprecious at 5:22 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


pseudostrabismus: "The pee moments that site suggests for Star Trek are terrible- you'll lose some nice moments in the subplot if you obey them. Pee when Old Spock settles in to start talking."

Seconded. In a movie that requires (but earns) total suspension of disbelief, all the Spock 1.0 stuff requires it the most. [Was it just me or did they give his hears unusually large points - as if those keep growing for Vulcans the way earlobes keep growing for humans?]

Even better to miss would be the "boy Kirk rocks out to 200 year old pop music thanks to Nokia technology" scene - but since that comes so early, you won't need to pee yet.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:46 AM on May 22, 2009


I have never stepped out a movie to pee. I grew up in a family that took a lot of road trips, and a dad who was always worried about making "good time"...

(And yes, I realize it's quite sad that I feel the need to announce this accomplishment on the Internet.)
posted by JoanArkham at 5:47 AM on May 22, 2009


Sorry for the derail, but I just saw it yesterday and the annoyance is still fresh. It drove me nuts the way command was handed over in a private discussions - not just once, but repeatedly. So that at one point, people are briefly standing around with no idea who the acting captain is. The reason you're always seeing naval commanders in movies - and that includes TOS - say things like, "Mr. Hornblower, you have the con" is because the crew needs to know that shit, OK?
posted by Joe Beese at 5:55 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


JoanArkham: "I have never stepped out a movie to pee."

Neither had I until I saw The Abyss. Between the bloated running time, my bloated bladder from that jumbo Coke, and the imagery of that shimmering water-tendril creature, it was either that or piss myself in the seat. And while I thought it was a fairly good movie, it wasn't piss-yourself good.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:59 AM on May 22, 2009


Who the hell are all these people who can't sit still for TWO HOURS? What are you, five? You folks must have some serious medical issues.
posted by grubi at 6:02 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


I can't believe they don't have My Dinner With Andre.
posted by Flashman at 6:09 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


It drove me nuts the way command was handed over in a private discussions

Not to continue your derail Joe, but I think it was mentioned in the original ST thread that they said "___ you have the con" for every single main character. (I don't remember if those converstations were private, just plentiful.)

posted by graventy at 6:22 AM on May 22, 2009


Who the hell are all these people who can't sit still for TWO HOURS? What are you, five? You folks must have some serious medical issues.

Hey, back off! I paid like, 15 dollars for this JUMBO popcorn and pop, and it comes with free refills. Do you know how many refills I have to drink to get my money's worth?!

Also, a two hour movie isn't that bad, but most movies now come with at least half an hour of pre-movie trailers. And if you make the unfortunate mistake of showing up a few minutes early, commercials.
posted by graventy at 6:24 AM on May 22, 2009


All of my favorite movies are at least 2.5 hours long.
posted by hermitosis at 6:27 AM on May 22, 2009


"boy Kirk rocks out to 200 year old pop music thanks to Nokia technology"

Even more so, consider that if the Beastie Boys' Sabotage exists, then so must Intergalactic which includes a reference to "a pinch on the neck from Mr. Spock."

Clearly, to me and everyone at this symposium, this means that Spock 1.0 did not remain in the alternate reality set by the movie. Instead, he continued to travel, adrift in time, for years and years. Known by many names - Hermes Trismegistus, Thoth, the Wandering Jew - Spock walked the ages making mankind a better place, ensuring that at some point in the future, the universe would allow for a meeting and friendship between himself and James T. Kirk.

It was in once of his guises, a crazy bearded hermit named Rick Rubin, that Spock came upon a young punk band named The Young Aborigines and seeing in them the soul of something vital to Kirk's upbringing, convinced them to change from punk to rap, thus forming the Beastie Boys. This also explains the long spate between Beastie Boys albums as after revealing his true identity to the Boys, Spock recruited them as his own personal 'go-team' of temporal defenders. Many of us owe our lives (and our grandparents' lives) to the tireless efforts of Mike D, MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mix Master Mike (who is actually a robot created by a future Lt. Data, but that's a different story for a different day).
posted by robocop is bleeding at 6:40 AM on May 22, 2009 [40 favorites]


Also, a two hour movie isn't that bad, but most movies now come with at least half an hour of pre-movie trailers. And if you make the unfortunate mistake of showing up a few minutes early, commercials.

I think I saw about 20 trailers before they started Terminator last night. They even had the damn trailer for Terminator in that lineup! What the hell?
posted by Talanvor at 6:43 AM on May 22, 2009


Who the hell are all these people who can't sit still for TWO HOURS? What are you, five? You folks must have some serious medical issues.

No, we just split a suitcase of Natural Light in the car before thew show. Haven't you ever been to the movies before?
posted by dirtdirt at 7:35 AM on May 22, 2009


That my brain is now trying to work out an academic thesis based on robocop is bleeding's concept of time drifting Spock should say that One, I'm really desperate to have something to submit to this conference, and Two that I've been in love with Spock for far too long.
posted by strixus at 7:36 AM on May 22, 2009


Go for it, strixus. If you need any help, I'll be happy to don a tweed coat and smoke a pipe. I bet you could find other examples of Star Trek meddling in our time stream (Voyage Home, for example).
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:41 AM on May 22, 2009



This is all Truffaut's fault. Rat-bastard auteur theory has taken away the power of people to cut movies down to a reasonable length. My own personal theory is that a skilled editor not beholden to the director could cut 15-20 minutes out of almost any movie made in the last decade and improve them 90% of the time. Microbudget indies, summer blockbusters, documentaries, you name it. They are all too damn long.


Thank you. Somewhere around Titanic all movies became 3-hour marches regardless of form, content or genre. I'm usually against hard and fast "rules" for writing, but one that cleaned up my work wonderfully is "Every scene should do one of two things, advance the plot or provide characterization. Ideally it should do both." Every scene should do heavy-lifting. Shaun Of The Dead is a good example. Every shot conveys a ton of information all at once Spaced did that too, they could tell a pretty complete story in a learn 30 minutes.

Give me a tight 80 minutes where nothing is wasted over a bloated Epic! anyday.
posted by The Whelk at 7:42 AM on May 22, 2009 [4 favorites]


When you go to the midnight showing of The Holy Grail after consuming mass quantities, having to hit the head is part of the game. It helps when you know all the dialog and are reciting it even in the bathroom, of course.
posted by tommasz at 8:10 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]



"They even had the damn trailer for Terminator in that lineup! What the hell?"

They were afraid you might start thinking the movie wasn't worth waiting through all the other commercials.
posted by Mitheral at 8:37 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


robocop is bleeding: Many of us owe our lives (and our grandparents' lives) to the tireless efforts of Mike D, MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mix Master Mike (who is actually a robot created by a future Lt. Data, but that's a different story for a different day).

You seem to have forgotten the crucial role played by DJ Hurricane.
posted by paisley henosis at 9:02 AM on May 22, 2009


Yes, this sort of confirms everyone’s hypothesis that movies have become longer.

Actually, it confirms that movie run times have been remarkably stable since the 60s.
posted by Crotalus at 9:12 AM on May 22, 2009


I think The Whelk has it in that it's not that there haven't been long movies previously - See Gone With The Wind - but that movies that have no business being over 90 minutes have swelled to epic proportions.
posted by Artw at 9:34 AM on May 22, 2009


Also - Gone With The Wind at least has an intermission. Fuck you, Return of the King.
posted by Artw at 9:42 AM on May 22, 2009 [1 favorite]


Actually I'd be down with the re-introduction of intermissions - built in pee-break, and a chance to buy snacks! Why did they ever go away?
posted by Artw at 9:44 AM on May 22, 2009


Hasn't this problem already been solved by stadium buddies?
posted by kirkaracha at 10:54 AM on May 22, 2009


Who the hell are all these people who can't sit still for TWO HOURS? What are you, five? You folks must have some serious medical issues.

Holding it can cause urinary tract infections. Seriously.

Also, even a "small" coke a the movies is the size of a bathtub and no way am I not getting a beverage with my popcorn that is so coated with butter that it just drips directly into my arteries.

(Also, I am sort of five.)

Iceland had intermissions in the middle of the movie, which irritated me at first, and now I miss them! No break to go get more popcorn? Seriously. I will go to a movie just for the popcorn. Oh, how I love it.

Also: I can't believe no pregnant women have popped in here to rejoice. If there's anything I've learned about pregnancy through the experience of others, it's that you have to pee a lot.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 11:31 AM on May 22, 2009 [2 favorites]


Actually I'd be down with the re-introduction of intermissions - built in pee-break, and a chance to buy snacks! Why did they ever go away?

Most theatres put their concession stands in front of, not behind the ticket taker. Multiplexes don't want to keep up with everyone going in and out of the various theatres. It would probably be easier for a single-show theatre, though (e.g. Egyptian).
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 11:41 AM on May 22, 2009


The 3 hour 29 minute version of Gone With The Wind has an intermission built in, thank god, but I still came out of the theater in a blinking, confused haze.

Than again, I just saw "The Norman Conquests", a nearly 7-hour long set of interlocking plays, so I really can't blame anyone but myself.
posted by The Whelk at 12:08 PM on May 22, 2009


If a movie is well-made, then there are no scenes that aren't crucial to the plot.
posted by CarlRossi at 7:41 AM on May 23, 2009


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