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July 7, 2009 2:37 PM   Subscribe

[NSFW]Baseball usually provides Americans with their first roundabout ways of talking about "Visiting Busch Stadium"... but what if you prefer golf? Or the Olympics? What if you're Canadian? An academic? Or like plunderphonics? Can any phrase be turned into a euphemism for sex? Maybe; here are the canonical lists. [perviously] [AskMe thread about sex euphemisms 'around the world,' IYKWIM]
posted by not_on_display (70 comments total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

 
I'm more of a stand-in-a-long-line-at-the-concession-stand kinda guy, if you know what I mean.
posted by orme at 2:45 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


Personally I like the 7th inning stretch.
posted by America at 2:48 PM on July 7, 2009


anything can be a euphemism, it's all in the delivery.

"Yeah, I'd like to collate that report".

"Can't go, I gotta go download some code"

"Christ, I'd favorite that post. Maybe flag it, too."

and so on.
posted by boo_radley at 2:51 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


Private Eye called it 'discussing Uganda.'
posted by grounded at 2:52 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


I gave her a good rebooting!
posted by Mental Wimp at 2:53 PM on July 7, 2009


"Switch-hitter refers to bisexuals, while a "switch" may refer to someone who takes both a "top" or "bottom" role in domination play. [citation needed] "

Yes, Wikipedia, your understanding of the universe is incomplete without a citation to some random website that restates common popular culture knowledge regarding baseball euphemisms for sex.

Won't someone please think of the children and create a website for the wikigods to cite to?
posted by Muddler at 2:54 PM on July 7, 2009


It's the sexually charged terms in sports that get me. Watching baseball, I'm often told that a player "fisted that one" and football commentators love to talk about penetration. And if you get caught hooking in hockey, you only get detained for two minutes...

... by yourself. And you feel shame, you know. And den you get free.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:55 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


Is this something you'd have to "own a television" to "understand?"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:56 PM on July 7, 2009


In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line, if you know what I mean.

Wait I'm doing this wrong. thanks George
posted by shakespeherian at 2:57 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]


This is stupid. Everything's a euphemism for masturbation, not sex. It's about the emphasis.

Some strange euphemisms for masturbation from a friend, to demonstrate:
* grasping the windowsill
* approaching the pelican

From me:
* checking my favorites count
posted by Pronoiac at 2:58 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]


mayor curley, why don't you just put it in my five hole.
posted by the aloha at 3:00 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


"I'd like to ace her deuce, if you get my meaning."

"I'd like to fuck her on the tennis court, if you know what I mean."

"No, I have no idea what you're talking about."
posted by billysumday at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


"masturbating"

Best euphemism EVER.
posted by Maximian at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


Is this something you'd have to "own a television" to "understand?"
welcome back, carles. is your shift key stuck?
posted by the aloha at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2009


From that Wikipedia link:

A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex... divides the topics into "first base"... "second base"... "third base"... and "home plate" ("The Big 'It'").

Man, that book should be called "Mixing Your Metaphors In Order to Confuse Children".
posted by rokusan at 3:02 PM on July 7, 2009


Baseball sums up tragic sex.

"It's long, it's deep... and it's gone."
posted by rokusan at 3:04 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


This reminds me of an old and dear friend and our youthful penchant for "turning anything into porn". One of her triumphs was morphing cubic zirconia into "pubic suck-on-ya". Those happy golden days....
posted by Go Banana at 3:05 PM on July 7, 2009


[1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +] [1 favorite +]


You like that, dontcha?
posted by orme at 3:07 PM on July 7, 2009


Not really a euphemism for sex, but I like to approach women in bars with the line "hey sweetcheeks, how's about you and me going back to my pad where I'll insert my penis in your vagina and we'll undulate pelvises until we reach an orgasmic and/or ejaculatory response."

For the record, this has never worked for me. Not even once.

And I've been kicked out of several clubs. Don't try this at home.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:07 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


twoleftfeet: It's the "sweetcheeks" that's throwing your line off.
posted by everichon at 3:13 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]


Don't mind me if I disappear for a few days, I'm off to hike the appalachian trail
posted by crayz at 3:13 PM on July 7, 2009 [6 favorites]


twoleftfeet: It's the "sweetcheeks" that's throwing your line off.

Thanks for the tip, everichon! I knew there was something about that line that wasnt' working.

This of course is why I belong to Metafilter; to get tips about better pickup lines.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:20 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


Canadian: ① exploring Newfoundland

Well, it's true that if you explore Newfoundland you can find Dildo, Heart's Desire and Come By Chance so, WIN!
posted by Turtles all the way down at 3:21 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


"Shaking hot white coconuts from the veiny love tree." - Harvey Denton.
posted by eccnineten at 3:30 PM on July 7, 2009


posting on metafilter
posted by ethnomethodologist at 3:34 PM on July 7, 2009


twoleftfeet: It's the "sweetcheeks" that's throwing your line off.

It also doesn't help that those were actually libraries and police stations.

Anyway, I just came in here to say that I like to flag it and move on.

If you know what I'm saying.

I really don't, but I was wearing the shirt mattdidthat made of his now famous poster when I saw my parents and sister the other day and I'm pretty damn sure that's what they thought it meant before I explained it.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:38 PM on July 7, 2009


When I was doing a lot of biochemistry, my roommates thought that 'packing the column' made a great euphemism.
posted by pombe at 3:39 PM on July 7, 2009


Like I always say: never dip your penis in the company vagina.
posted by billysumday at 3:40 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


Zalgo, he creams his twinkie.
posted by BrotherCaine at 3:42 PM on July 7, 2009


All books can be indecent books
Though recent books are bolder,
For filth (I'm glad to say) is in
the mind of the beholder.
When correctly viewed,
Everything is lewd.
(I could tell you things about Peter Pan,
And the Wizard of Oz, there's a dirty old man!)


--Tom Lehrer, "Smut"
posted by yoink at 3:42 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


I like to approach women in bars with the line "hey sweetcheeks, how's about you and me going back to my pad where I'll insert my penis in your vagina and we'll undulate pelvises until we reach an orgasmic and/or ejaculatory response."

Oh! I remember you from AskMe!
posted by rokusan at 3:42 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


Also, Basketball doesn't need such metaphors. See: "Who wants to sex Motumbo?"
posted by Navelgazer at 3:43 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


When I was a kid in the 60's I somehow got hold of a 45rpm record in which a comedian did a three-minute routine about "golf" (really about sex). The audience was in stitches.
posted by kozad at 3:46 PM on July 7, 2009


The all-purpose euphemism: "verbing the noun".
posted by DaddyNewt at 3:52 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


Also, if you say "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" after any sentence it automatically becomes naughty.

The term "taxpayer return information" means return information as defined in paragraph (2) which is filed with, or furnished to, the Secretary by or on behalf of the taxpayer to whom such return information relates. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:53 PM on July 7, 2009


MetaFilter: a community weblog ...if you know what I mean.
posted by gruchall at 4:09 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


The all-purpose euphemism: "verbing the noun".

How true. That being said,

Crashing the custard truck

That one got me.
posted by Fezzik's Underwear at 4:09 PM on July 7, 2009


Don't worry darling, I'll Palin!
posted by unSane at 4:11 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Has someone fixed the Xerox machine?"
"I'll Xerox your machine."

"Hey, anyone seen my whiteout pen?"
"I'll whiteout your pen."
posted by mdonley at 4:18 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


[perviously]

Thank you.
posted by OverlappingElvis at 4:19 PM on July 7, 2009


PHALLGO know wot I mean gov
posted by everichon at 4:25 PM on July 7, 2009


Words change. In my youth, hoe and intern meant, well, hoe and intern.
posted by cccorlew at 4:29 PM on July 7, 2009


I would catalog that under HQ, unless your library uses Dewey, in which case I'd give it a 306.7 or 649.65, after carefully reading the copyright and title pages.
posted by steef at 4:32 PM on July 7, 2009


after carefully reading the copyright and title pages.

Ah, the rare euphemistic promise of foreplay!
posted by yoink at 4:45 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


Can any phrase be turned into a euphemism for sex?

Ryan Stiles can do it, if you know what I mean.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:47 PM on July 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


A Drudge Report headline earlier today warned that due to global warming, the government may seek to measure rich people's emissions.

I've got some emissions that need to be measured.
posted by jayder at 4:50 PM on July 7, 2009


When I was an undergrad, I had a great history prof (Hi Dr. Forgie!). He also happened to be gay (although this was not widely known), and he loved to make sex euphemisms that only a few in class got.

One particular favorite was when discussing some battle, he'd say something like, "And what was General _____'s goal? That's right, he was trying to get into his opponent's rear!"
posted by Saxon Kane at 4:54 PM on July 7, 2009


A young man with a wild and multi-colored hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.

"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
posted by netbros at 4:58 PM on July 7, 2009 [3 favorites]


Netbros, you are the king of avuncular jokes.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:10 PM on July 7, 2009


Can we get just a few more euphemisms here? I'm nearly finished posting.
posted by orme at 5:26 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


Never mind. I'm done.

whew! sleepy now...
posted by orme at 5:28 PM on July 7, 2009


[perviously]. Hah!
posted by pjern at 5:29 PM on July 7, 2009


Of course, when I was a teenager, we had "taking her to see Bush field" where we used to park along the river behind the field watching the submarine races.
posted by pjern at 6:04 PM on July 7, 2009


It is all in the delivery. In college, my longtime roommate and I went on for nearly six months in a lecherous daze, usually started with "hey little girl" (note, we never said these to anyone but each other, in no way did we go up to women and say these things. We were cowards, and young) and then generally devolving into a "I'll *verb* her *noun*!

It all started with a toothpaste commercial. My roommate, the nice, quiet lad from Iowa, gentemanly, even, looks up at the tv and says, in a seedy voice I didn't know he possessed, "I'll brush her teeth." Things went far, far downhill from there.
posted by Ghidorah at 6:05 PM on July 7, 2009 [4 favorites]


...must.....resist....
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

WHEW
posted by graventy at 7:25 PM on July 7, 2009


I have poor life/work boundaries.

IYKWIM!

what?

eh, I'll have the soup.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


He really makes me want to swing my wedge and chip those dimpled balls straight into his hole, if you know what I mean.

I have no idea what I mean.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 8:12 PM on July 7, 2009


When I was in high school, my two best friends and I once were trying to blushingly talk about boys, but got stuck trying to figure out what each of the four bases were -- and finally decided that four bases left a hell of a lot of gray area, and we needed a euphemism which had more of a gradation. So we started using a map of the 48 continental states.

Thus for the next several years, the three of us referred to the sex act as "going to L.A."

This actually once allowed us to have a whole epic conversation about whether one of us should or should not "go travelling" with her boyfriend while sitting in the middle of the lunchroom (we even had one person who overheard us suggest that she visit Universal Studios if she went).
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:29 PM on July 7, 2009 [7 favorites]


we even had one person who overheard us suggest that she visit Universal Studios

You had acquaintances who visited Universal Studios back in high school?!? Hell, at the time I hadn't even made it to Hershey, Pennsylvania.
posted by BrotherCaine at 9:50 PM on July 7, 2009 [5 favorites]


Is this where I post about reverse euphemisms?
posted by Eideteker at 11:37 PM on July 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


I'd buy that for a dollar.
posted by philip-random at 11:46 PM on July 7, 2009


The base system explained on xkcd.
posted by cronholio at 1:18 AM on July 8, 2009


I just have to say that the response from my earlier comment has been overwhelming.

There are, apparently, many people - women especially - who are open to a new kind of honesty about male-female relationships, who don't mind when a guy talks plain talk about sex. These women and I reject an artificiality where basic human needs have to be couched in metaphor. I'm glad that so many desirable Metafilter women have come forward to reject that ridiculous hypothesis.

Let me say, ladies, that I've been distracted lately by your image, your beauty, your charm... and thoughts of you have clouded my moments since we've met, making it difficulty for me to focus my energies on more immediate pursuits, such as the rest of this comment.

But I think you know, ladies, that what I am discussing is no metaphor, no simple comparison, between the burning desire that I feel for you and the animal reality of copulation. My love for you trumps any lust. My lust for you triumphs over my love. Together we shall ride great white ponies into the sunset.

And none of this is a euphemism for sex.
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:43 AM on July 8, 2009


In the name of the most holy and individual Trinity: Be it known to all, and every one whom it may concern, or to whom in any manner it may belong, That for many Years past, Discords and Civil Divisions being stir'd up in the Roman Empire, which increas'd to such a degree, that not only all Germany, but also the neighbouring Kingdoms, and France particularly, have been involv'd in the Disorders of a long and cruel War: And in the first place, between the most Serene and most Puissant Prince and Lord, Ferdinand the Second, of famous Memory, elected Roman Emperor, always August, King of Germany, Hungary, Bohemia, Dalmatia, Croatia, Slavonia, Arch-Duke of Austria, Duke of Burgundy, Brabant, Styria, Carinthia, Carniola, Marquiss of Moravia, Duke of Luxemburgh, the Higher and Lower Silesia, of Wirtemburg and Teck, Prince of Suabia, Count of Hapsburg, Tirol, Kyburg and Goritia, Marquiss of the Sacred Roman Empire, Lord of Burgovia, of the Higher and Lower Lusace, of the Marquisate of Slavonia, of Port Naon and Salines, with his Allies and Adherents on one side; and the most Serene, and the most Puissant Prince, Lewis the Thirteenth, most Christian King of France and Navarre, with his Allies and Adherents on the other side. And after their Decease, between the most Serene and Puissant Prince and Lord, Ferdinand the Third, elected Roman Emperor, always August, King of Germany, Hungary, Bohemia, Dalmatia, Croatia, Slavonia, Arch-Duke of Austria, Duke of Burgundy, Brabant, Styria, Carinthia, Carniola, Marquiss of Moravia, Duke of Luxemburg, of the Higher and Lower Silesia, of Wirtemburg and Teck, Prince of Suabia, Count of Hapsburg, Tirol, Kyburg and Goritia, Marquiss of the Sacred Roman Empire, Burgovia, the Higher and Lower Lusace, Lord of the Marquisate of Slavonia, of Port Naon and Salines, with his Allies and Adherents on the one side; and the most Serene and most Puissant Prince and Lord, Lewis the Fourteenth, most Christian King of France and Navarre, with his Allies and Adherents on the other side: from whence ensu'd great Effusion of Christian Blood, and the Desolation of several Provinces. It has at last happen'd, by the effect of Divine Goodness, seconded by the Endeavours of the most Serene Republick of Venice, who in this sad time, when all Christendom is imbroil'd, has not ceas'd to contribute its Counsels for the publick Welfare and Tranquillity; so that on the side, and the other, they have form'd Thoughts of an universal Peace. And for this purpose, by a mutual Agreement and Covenant of both Partys, in the year of our Lord 1641. the 25th of December, N.S. or the 15th O.S. it was resolv'd at Hamburgh, to hold an Assembly of Plenipotentiary Ambassadors, who should render themselves at Munster and Osnabrug in Westphalia the 11th of July, N.S. or the 1st of the said month O.S. in the year 1643. The Plenipotentiary Ambassadors on the one side, and the other, duly establish'd, appearing at the prefixt time, and on the behalf of his Imperial Majesty, the most illustrious and most excellent Lord, Maximilian Count of Trautmansdorf and Weinsberg, Baron of Gleichenberg, Neustadt, Negan, Burgau, and Torzenbach, Lord of Teinitz, Knight of the Golden Fleece, Privy Counsellor and Chamberlain to his Imperial Sacred Majesty, and Steward of his Houshold; the Lord John Lewis, Count of Nassau, Catzenellebogen, Vianden, and Dietz, Lord of Bilstein, Privy Counsellor to the Emperor, and Knight of the Golden Fleece; Monsieur Isaac Volmamarus, Doctor of Law, Counsellor, and President in the Chamber of the most Serene Lord Arch-Duke Ferdinand Charles. And on the behalf of the most Christian King, the most eminent Prince and Lord, Henry of Orleans, Duke of Longueville, and Estouteville, Prince and Sovereign Count of Neuschaftel, Count of Dunois and Tancerville, Hereditary Constable of Normandy, Governor and Lieutenant-General of the same Province, Captain of the Cent Hommes d'Arms, and Knight of the King's Orders, &c. as also the most illustrious and most excellent Lords, Claude de Mesmes, Count d'Avaux, Commander of the said King's Orders, one of the Superintendents of the Finances, and Minister of the Kingdom of France &c. and Abel Servien, Count la Roche of Aubiers, also one of the Ministers of the Kingdom of France. And by the Mediation and Interposition of the most illustrious and most excellent Ambassador and Senator of Venice, Aloysius Contarini Knight, who for the space of five Years, or thereabouts, with great Diligence, and a Spirit intirely impartial, has been inclin'd to be a Mediator in these Affairs. After having implor'd the Divine Assistance, and receiv'd a reciprocal Communication of Letters, Commissions, and full Powers, the Copys of which are inserted at the end of this Treaty, in the presence and with the consent of the Electors of the Sacred Roman Empire, the other Princes and States, to the Glory of God, and the Benefit of the Christian World, the following Articles have been agreed on and consented to, and the same run thus, knowest thou the intent of mine speech?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 2:51 AM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]


Heavens to betsy...no one has mentioned it yet? Obligatory MetaFilter reference.
posted by Kronos_to_Earth at 6:14 AM on July 8, 2009


I once had an idea for (what I thought was) a very funny joke, but to work it needed a phrase that was "obviously" not a euphemism for sex.

I never came up with a way to tell the joke.
posted by straight at 9:43 AM on July 8, 2009


Also, it's not that every phrase can be a euphemism for sex. It's that every phrase can be a "your mom" joke.

"Has someone fixed the Xerox machine?"
"Your mom fixed the Xerox machine."

"Hey, anyone seen my whiteout pen?"
"Your mom has seen your whiteout pen."
posted by straight at 9:46 AM on July 8, 2009


It's the sexually charged terms in sports that get me. Watching baseball, I'm often told that a player "fisted that one" and football commentators love to talk about penetration.

Dan Clowes picked up that ball and ran pretty far with it.
posted by COBRA! at 9:53 AM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]


"Wait I'm doing this wrong"
That's what she said.
posted by lathrop at 12:25 PM on July 8, 2009


You had acquaintances who visited Universal Studios back in high school?!? Hell, at the time I hadn't even made it to Hershey, Pennsylvania.

I didn't even cross the Boston city limits until I was in college.



it's taken me this long to figure out you were picking up on the metaphor.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:26 PM on July 8, 2009 [1 favorite]


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