as a thief in the night

August 25, 2009 1:42 PM

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind?
Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
posted by plexi (82 comments total)

If this isn't a double then there's multiple companies offering this service...
posted by GuyZero at 1:43 PM on August 25

Oh yeah, here. Not a literal double.
posted by GuyZero at 1:44 PM on August 25

Also, the post on youvebeenleftbehind.com.
posted by GuyZero at 1:45 PM on August 25

There's also Jesus Pets (previously on Mefi).
posted by ericb at 1:45 PM on August 25

Or, what GuyZero said.
posted by ericb at 1:45 PM on August 25

This is perhaps the best way to cash in on the rapthre ever.
posted by boo_radley at 1:46 PM on August 25

I support this cause.
posted by Corduroy at 1:47 PM on August 25

These people are clearly doing business in bad faith.
posted by idiopath at 1:47 PM on August 25 [16 favorites has favorites]

No way am I gonna let some athiest get his hands on my cat. That's why I bought him his own little gun.
posted by orme at 1:52 PM on August 25 [24 favorites has favorites]

I'm pretty sure that's unethical.
posted by nanojath at 1:55 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

Howso?
posted by shammack at 1:56 PM on August 25

.
posted by mrgrimm at 1:56 PM on August 25

They should have had a major publicity push right after Hurricane Katrina, when the plight of "left behind" pets was more widely publicized.
posted by hippybear at 1:57 PM on August 25

Play them up, keyboard cat.
posted by The Whelk at 1:58 PM on August 25 [9 favorites has favorites]

But when you leave him home alone all day orme he gets bored and misbehaves.
posted by ND¢ at 1:58 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

I guess now I know whose compound to break into when I'm scrounging around for meat.
posted by bondcliff at 1:59 PM on August 25

Merchant banker.
posted by Dumsnill at 1:59 PM on August 25

"Catholic Dogs Go To Heaven. Presbyterian Dogs Can Talk To Their Pastor"
posted by zarq at 2:01 PM on August 25 [21 favorites has favorites]

Are Your Cats Old Enough to Learn About Jesus?

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.
posted by Rhaomi at 2:06 PM on August 25 [7 favorites has favorites]

At last, a way for the damned among us to cash in on that fat Christian dollar!
posted by ricochet biscuit at 2:07 PM on August 25

OLIVIA THE CAT SHALL detect and LEAD THEM.
posted by cashman at 2:07 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

Zarq -- are those pics real or are they photoshopped? It they are real, that is beyond hilarious.
As for the FPP, I understand why some say this is unethical. However, part of me feels like maybe this is a service their customers believe they need ?
posted by Librarygeek at 2:08 PM on August 25

Howso?
posted by shammack at 3:56 PM on August 25 [+] [!]

If that's in response to my comment about the ethics of this, I'd say offering a service to people you hold to be in the grips of a delusion - a service with a perceived value solely predicated on the target's belief in that delusion, and which the providers would almost certainly never agree to provide if they believed there was a remote possibility of ever having to actually follow through with it. Taking money from delusional people by exploiting their delusion with the comfortable expectation of never having to pay for it in any significant way is unethical. Or so it seems to me.
posted by nanojath at 2:09 PM on August 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

My brain-sucking mutant lamprey will be so relieved.
posted by metagnathous at 2:13 PM on August 25

I assumed that when the rapture happened, the nonbelievers would be swept into Hell and there would be nobody left on earth.
posted by Dr. Send at 2:13 PM on August 25

Zarq -- are those pics real or are they photoshopped? It they are real, that is beyond hilarious.

Totally photoshopped. The backgrounds don't change.
posted by zarq at 2:16 PM on August 25

Okay, what if I buy their service and it doesn't work? Do I get a refund?
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:16 PM on August 25

It's becoming more common for people to have a rapture clause in their wills. Since they assume that their families will be going up, too, who should get their money? Jewish charities, that's who.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 2:17 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

Offering a service to people you hold to be in the grips of a delusion - a service with a perceived value solely predicated on the target's belief in that delusion [...] is unethical.

So much for the funeral industry.
posted by applemeat at 2:18 PM on August 25 [4 favorites has favorites]

Zarq -- are those pics real or are they photoshopped?

The perspective is exactly the same every time you see the signs. If they're "real", they were pre-planned and taken from a tripod sequentially.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:19 PM on August 25

and which the providers would almost certainly never agree to provide if they believed there was a remote possibility of ever having to actually follow through with it

Actually, I would be willing to do this even if I thought the rapture was 50/50. Someone would have to look after those pets, after all.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:20 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

It's becoming more common for people to have a rapture clause in their wills. Since they assume that their families will be going up, too, who should get their money? Jewish charities, that's who.

Giving money to the damned might invalidate their Rapture eligibility status.
posted by zarq at 2:21 PM on August 25

It's becoming more common for people to have a rapture clause in their wills.

Does it invalidate a will to reference fictional characters and events? If not, I'm going to call my lawyer and add a Crisis on Infinite Earths clause because it will be more fun for my heirs.
posted by Mayor Curley at 2:22 PM on August 25 [11 favorites has favorites]

Taking money from delusional people by exploiting their delusion with the comfortable expectation of never having to pay for it in any significant way is unethical.

Yeah, they're going to hell.


No, wait. That can't be right.
posted by zarq at 2:23 PM on August 25

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved.

MeFi knows me like a spouse.
posted by DU at 2:24 PM on August 25

Does it invalidate a will to reference fictional characters and events?

I'm not a lawyer. But I am under the impression that as long as they are signed, wills cannot be invalidated, only revoked.
posted by zarq at 2:25 PM on August 25

nanojath: "If that's in response to my comment about the ethics of this, I'd say offering a service to people you hold to be in the grips of a delusion - a service with a perceived value solely predicated on the target's belief in that delusion, and which the providers would almost certainly never agree to provide if they believed there was a remote possibility of ever having to actually follow through with it. Taking money from delusional people by exploiting their delusion with the comfortable expectation of never having to pay for it in any significant way is unethical. Or so it seems to me."

Maybe, but they're pretty up-front about not believing that the Rapture will actually happen, and I don't see anything to suggest they wouldn't hold up their end up of the bargain if it did. If people who do believe it are willing to pay for the guarantee, I don't see the problem.
posted by shammack at 2:26 PM on August 25

My will clearly states that, if upon the event of my death or cessation of my mental abilities on this or any other plane of existence, there is any suspicion of foul play or misdeeds, that an Alternate Doppelganger from one of the evil dimensions be produced to wreak my bloody revenge.
posted by The Whelk at 2:28 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

If I agreed to this and the rapture actually did happen, I would be doing everything possible to avoid going to hell, including fulfilling my petcare obligations.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 2:29 PM on August 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

OMG! It's Teh Grand Snark rising on the left, Compassion closing in from the right -- what happens when they meet?
posted by tspae at 2:31 PM on August 25

The bonus part is that, in the unlikely event of a Rapture occuring, you now have knowledge of the theological situation (Christian theology) and what side you're on (abandoned to the Dark Side). The choice is clear: sacrifice all of the pets to Satan, Lord of the Earth. Do so in a manner such that the Raptured Christians must suffer the spectacle of their left-behind pets dying hideous, ignoble deaths, all because the afterlife isn't for their beloved animals, and thereby foment dissent in the latest heavenly host, scoring even more points with Lucifer, all because God decided, "Hey, you're not on my volleyball team!"

Oh Lord, I'm comin' ... for you.
posted by adipocere at 2:35 PM on August 25 [4 favorites has favorites]

From the FAQ:

Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

I really want to see their job application.
posted by philotes at 2:35 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

what happens when they meet?

Nuclear winter?
posted by blucevalo at 2:36 PM on August 25

adipocere: "The choice is clear: sacrifice all of the pets to Satan, Lord of the Earth. Do so in a manner such that the Raptured Christians must suffer the spectacle of their left-behind pets dying hideous, ignoble deaths"

That, I'll grant, would be unethical.
posted by shammack at 2:37 PM on August 25

I wish I had the kind of ... evil creativity ... that comes up with ideas like this.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:42 PM on August 25

If the Rapture or some similar-in-effect disaster such as a Captain Trips pandemic happened I for one would, were I to survive it, go house to house looking for victims' pets to feed and release them. After Cyclone Katrina I think a lot of animal lovers, whatever their religious beliefs, have the same intentions. I don't see any need to ask for payment for this "service".

Taking money from the stupid is traditionally frowned on by the law, whatever figleaf is put up to justify the scam, and if this scam has actually taken money from people surely some means of making it illegal will be found. It may be illegal in some jurisdictions as unlicensed gambling (if the "contract" is seen as the making of a bet) or alternatively as the unlicensed provision of a form of insurance. On the other hand, it only needs to sucker in a few dozen people and the cost of the relevant licenses is probably covered.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 2:42 PM on August 25

are those pics real or are they photoshopped?

Create your own with the Church Sign Maker!
posted by adamrice at 2:44 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

I had to look up Mark 3:19, and have now learned that blaspheming against the Holy Spirit is an unforgivable sin. This opens up an entire explanation for me of where JK Rowling got her idea for "unforgivable curses."

So if I were to cast Avada Kedavra against the Holy Spirit, what happens?
posted by zarq at 2:46 PM on August 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

If that's in response to my comment about the ethics of this, I'd say offering a service to people you hold to be in the grips of a delusion - a service with a perceived value solely predicated on the target's belief in that delusion, and which the providers would almost certainly never agree to provide if they believed there was a remote possibility of ever having to actually follow through with it. Taking money from delusional people by exploiting their delusion with the comfortable expectation of never having to pay for it in any significant way is unethical. Or so it seems to me.

If it makes people who believe in the rapture feel better, then I don't see a problem. If it makes people happier to know that their beloved pets would be taken care of when the rapture "comes", then I'm glad that someone is able to provide a service for that. After reading over their website, they do sound capable of actually taking in all of pets and if the rapture did occur, they would in actuality follow through.
posted by kylej at 2:46 PM on August 25

what's this about Earthbound Pets?
posted by shmegegge at 2:47 PM on August 25

If it becomes illegal to separate fools from their money, then the communists will have won!
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 2:48 PM on August 25

You want to know what is going to be hilarious? Just after the Rapture, when everyone is looking around and thinking, "What the heck? I wasn't worthy? But I dedicated my life to the church..." and they suddenly notice that Fluffy the cat and Sparky the dog are both missing, as are the pets of all their friends and neighbors.

That's when it's going to start dawning on people that their definitions of those that are 'just' and 'pure' were a bit off of what God was wanting to bring home. What the big guy wants has fur and four legs.

All this time, we've just been keepers for the truly saved.

...Or so my cat was bragging the other day.
posted by quin at 3:09 PM on August 25 [5 favorites has favorites]

If it becomes illegal to separate fools from their money, then the communists will have won!

And the collection plate is going to be pretty light.

What the big guy wants has fur and four legs.

God is a furry?
posted by pracowity at 3:14 PM on August 25

You guys got it all wrong. Earth largely exists to house God's beetle collection. Guy's just nuts for the little things. We'll barely notice when the Rapture comes.

Until the aphids get us, at least.
posted by The Whelk at 3:15 PM on August 25

What about creating delusions within a populace in order to exploit them and remove their money into your pockets? I see that happen on television nearly every night as the main feature, in between the lure they call "programming". Is that also unethical?
posted by hippybear at 3:36 PM on August 25

I still don't fathom how people who believe in raptures are so quick to scoff at me and my leprechaun friend.
posted by notreally at 3:37 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

But what about those unbaptised babies? Does no one think of the childred?
posted by path at 3:39 PM on August 25

I still don't fathom how people who believe in raptures are so quick to scoff at me and my leprechaun friend.

Dude, we talked about this. He's not a leprechaun, he's your kid. I admit the outfits are cute but, you gotta feed him every once in a while or you'll be explaining yourself to Child Protection. Again.
posted by The Whelk at 3:42 PM on August 25 [4 favorites has favorites]

I see that happen on television nearly every night as the main feature, in between the lure they call "programming". Is that also unethical?

No. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my Snuggie™ (it's a blanket with sleeves!,) slap a couple of delicious, skinless chicken breasts on my heart-healthy George Foreman® grill and have dinner while watching The O'Reilly Factor, the most-watched program on cable news.
posted by zarq at 3:43 PM on August 25

you gotta feed him every once in a while

If only there were some suitable brand of cereal...
posted by sysinfo at 3:49 PM on August 25

Cyclone Katrina...

Checked your profile. Suspected you're an Aussie! Was right. ; )
posted by ericb at 3:55 PM on August 25

If people truly believd in the rapture, you'd think there would be all sorts of rapture preparedness tools...

Cars would need those jetski tethers so they automatically shut off if you're called up while driving.

How will you REALLY be sure the stove is turned off when you ascend to heaven? No worries, RaptureOCD will check everything 3 times in your absence.

Who's gonna keep the government from taking your guns when you're gone? For $99.95 ColdDeadHands Inc. will safeguard your guns from the nonbelievers.

DVRapture is a new Tivo-like device that will record all your favorite shows after you're gone. Has two settings: "Fox News" and "Off"

Who will protest the sinners in your absence? Our newest product is the Fundie-bot 2020. This lifesize animatronic robot comes fully pre-progrmmed and can hold up to 4 picket signs at once. Digital voice recording and loudspeaker function can broadcast your favorite anti-abortion rally chants long after your actual body has been called up to it's heavenly reward. Like Wall-E only without all that pesky liberal environmental crap.
posted by billyfleetwood at 4:21 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

They should have asked a Franciscan.

If all things have been created in and through Christ (Colossians 1:15-16), then I think you could make an argument that heaven will have to include rainbows, butterflies and dogs.

The Christian community’s reluctance to say this earlier may reflect Jesus’ concern that people not think of heaven simply as an extension of this life. Jesus said that at the resurrection those who are saved “neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matthew 22:30).

In a way, the traditional teaching about excluding animals from heaven stresses the importance of human decisions. Pets can do things that please or displease, but they cannot be guilty of sin because they cannot choose in the way that humans do.

Once you acknowledge all of that, I think you can still say that if creation comes to perfection in Jesus Christ, then human beings may not be the only part of creation to share in that.

In any event, my animals will surely be there before me. Except for that hermit crab, the little bastard.
posted by jquinby at 4:31 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

oh, please. if television preachers can bilk little old ladies out of their retirement funds, then there is absolutely nothing the legal system can do to invalidate post-rapture pet care.
posted by msconduct at 4:38 PM on August 25

If all things have been created in and through Christ (Colossians 1:15-16), then I think you could make an argument that heaven will have to include rainbows, butterflies and dogs.

And raw sewage and ebola.
posted by Flunkie at 4:38 PM on August 25

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved.

I would think this attitude might preclude you from being saved, from what I understand of Christianity. This is hubris, the sin of pride, and a deadly sin at that. Any Christian who would unblinkingly say "I'm going to heaven" (or put "in case of rapture this car will be unoccupied" license plate frames on their car, or similar) is treading on awfully thin ice, I would think.

I got a coldfusion error when posting this, which I think I may as well slather myself in BBQ sauce in anticipation of my eventual fate.
posted by maxwelton at 4:41 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

And raw sewage and ebola.

All Things Dull and Ugly.
posted by stevis23 at 5:08 PM on August 25

... fuckin' seriously?
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 5:22 PM on August 25

I hope my neighbor gets Raptured because he has an awesome dog that I covet.
posted by FunkyHelix at 5:34 PM on August 25 [3 favorites has favorites]

Alexandra Kitty:

# If subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka is "left behind") EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.
posted by jaruwaan at 6:11 PM on August 25 [1 favorite has favorites]

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you an actual book proposal sent (unsolicited) to a friend of mine? (note: I do not know what happens to Mr. Cool.)

Synopsis of RAPTURE CAT

This writing is a true story about the bond of love between a lonely man and the cat sent into his life by God. The man is a man of faith who eventually begins to pray that his beloved cat will be taken when biblical Rapture takes place. He doesn't want his cat Mr. Cool to left alone in the world.

This book touches deeply on life's purpose, truth, love, loneliness and faith. It has a very happy ending and is written explain a couple bible prophecies without involving great depth. Those prophecies are the Rapture, the Great Tribulation and the coming of Jesus Christ.

I believe people of all ages would enjoy this book. It is just 14 pages long on Microsoft word.

If you would like to see more please contact me.

I have written before and was published in the 1980's a book entitled the Rapture. It sold 20,000 copies.

EXCERPT CHAPTER ONE:

Mr. Cool didn't have a good home. He was a young cat just 6 months old. Right after being born he was given to a messy woman who lived in a small apartment with a big slobbery dog. She never let her dog or Mr. Cool outside. They lived inside that apartment all the time. Her big dog never attacked the little cat but he would always sniff and drool over him. Mr. Cool didn't like that and could hardly find a good place to sleep. The big dog and the woman's loud and noisy ways disturbed him. It was an awful life and the food was bad.
The only life that Mr. Cool knew was inside that stuffy apartment. He didn't know there was an outside world with trees, green grass and dirt to roll around in. All he could do was sleep a lot and run up and down the stairs to play. The big dog would come and sniff him a lot and that would scare the little cat. Mr. Cool would roll over on his back and stick his little paws up to keep the big dog's nose off him. The woman would have the TV on loud most of the time and she kept a very dirty house. When she opened the door Mr. Cool would try to run outside but she would always shut the door before he could get out. Mr. Cool was trapped and could do nothing about his situation, even so he was a very cute cat with a wonderful personality.
posted by felix grundy at 6:15 PM on August 25 [2 favorites has favorites]

aeschenkarnos: If the Rapture or some similar-in-effect disaster such as a Captain Trips pandemic happened I for one would, were I to survive it, go house to house looking for victims' pets to feed and release them and take all their stuff.
posted by tzikeh at 7:04 PM on August 25

heaven will have to include rainbows, butterflies and dogs.

What about mosquitoes? Mosquitoes are my deal breaker and a large part of why I am an atheist. Any God that could think up something like that is not worth worshipping. Yeah Ebola is nasty and tse tse flies spread sleeping sickness but I bet mosquitoes have been responsible for more aggravation, sickness, and death than any other creature larger than a single cell.

On the other hand if you don't believe that chimps and bunnies and alpacas will be in heaven then at which point did men get singled out for special treatment? Was it when we came down out of the trees? Started walking upright? Developed speech? In other words when exactly did we become separate from the animals and become blessed with a soul?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 7:36 PM on August 25

Secret Life of Gravy: you're forgetting that Man was a separate creation on a completely different day, and was imbued by YHWH with a special spirit, and given dominion over all the animals. THAT is what sets Man apart from the animals.

(not my belief system, I just happen to have a background in it)
posted by hippybear at 8:42 PM on August 25

Nice way to cash in our Christian stupidity.

Atheists - 1

Christians - 0
posted by Mastercheddaar at 6:02 AM on August 26

hippybear: I'm not forgetting anything-- I, too, have a religious background and my in-laws are fundamentalists. However, fundamentalists are only a fraction of all believers. There are many more Christians out there who believe in evolution as well as God. My question is how do you reconcile that? How can you believe that humans are special once you accept that evolution is a reality?
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:51 AM on August 26

tzikeh take all their stuff.
"All"? That's just dumb. Have you ever seriously looked at how much worthless, redundant, immovable junk people have in their houses? I'd take some portable and useful stuff, maybe. Depending on what the disaster was exactly, that probably won't be much, and it probably would only take a few houses' worth of searching to load up on all of it that's worth carrying. Looking for survivors, animal and human, is more important.

In any case if the disaster were actually The Rapture (and leaving aside the whole Revelations kerfuffle with scrolls in the heavens and stinging crowned creatures and suchlike for the sake of the argument) it'd be unlikely to make all that much practical difference to those left behind. What proportion of the population are eligible to be Raptured? I'd guess no more than 2% unless kids under five or so get a free pass, in which case it could be as much as 10%. In either case, no more than 1% or so of the working adult population in English-speaking countries, and a lot less elsewhere in the world. Probably more than average in the primary producer/farmer sectors, less than average in the technology and science sectors.

Captain Trips is far more likely, and if that happens, a lot of the "stuff" you suggest taking isn't worth the effort. Without reliable electricity and communications and a functioning economy to exchange luxuries for necessities in, most of my "stuff" is worthless and I expect the same goes for you and everyone else here.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 7:25 AM on August 26

My question is how do you reconcile that? How can you believe that humans are special once you accept that evolution is a reality?

I hope you're not asking me, because I don't bother. If humans are special at all, it is in that they have assumed they are not part of the greater systems of the planet. And, well, look around. We can all see how well that's working out.
posted by hippybear at 8:38 AM on August 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

Secret Life of Gravy : There are many more Christians out there who believe in evolution as well as God. My question is how do you reconcile that? How can you believe that humans are special once you accept that evolution is a reality?

I've thought a bit about this and I suspect that it's a lot like me and higher physics. I'm pretty awful at math, and things like quantum and astro-physics are just a complete mystery to me, but based on the the fact that there are people who are learned on the subject who tell me things are a certain way, and their descriptions seem to match what I'm seeing, I accept that while there is a lot that I don't get, I can accept on faith that what they are telling me is true.

As humans who don't understand things, we tend to turn to our authorities. In my case it's scientists, in others it might be the church. And so, you'll find someone who knows that evolution is true, and yet, they also know that their religion is true, failing to reconcile this, they just assume that, like me, they are imperfect at understanding and it's easier to just accept that the both states can be reality, regardless of the fact that the two beliefs may actually be completely contradictory.

But honestly, I'm just guessing.
posted by quin at 11:56 AM on August 26 [1 favorite has favorites]

Earth largely exists to house God's beetle collection. Guy's just nuts for the little things.

And he's pumped about Beatles Rock Band and the remastered CDs.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:45 PM on August 26

Taking money from the stupid is traditionally frowned on by the law, whatever figleaf is put up to justify the scam, and if this scam has actually taken money from people surely some means of making it illegal will be found.

Your life and love lines both run long and deep. Your MeFi line, on the other hand, ends in tears. That'll be $20.

I thought I'd give tarot a break for a change.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 1:45 PM on August 26

I love that the advertisement at the bottom of the site is for a book called 'The Atheist Camel'.
posted by Lucie at 8:42 PM on August 26