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November 24, 2010 4:29 PM   Subscribe

What really happens to the turkey that the president pardons at Thanksgiving?
posted by veedubya (56 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Sarah Palin shoves them in a meat grinder head first while they're still alive. Duh.
posted by The World Famous at 4:33 PM on November 24, 2010 [7 favorites]


I have to click 21 times?
posted by null terminated at 4:35 PM on November 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


No, you do not have to click 21 times, you can the web page.
posted by nomadicink at 4:36 PM on November 24, 2010


The whole web page?
posted by entropone at 4:37 PM on November 24, 2010 [16 favorites]


I accidentally the pardoned turkey.
posted by saturday_morning at 4:37 PM on November 24, 2010 [8 favorites]


Turkeys are so rude.
posted by TwelveTwo at 4:40 PM on November 24, 2010


Obama, Pelosi and Reid cave yet again. First there was massive corporate handouts that decimated the middle class and lowered the United States to third world status. An imperial president that can murder US citizens at will, no end in sight to the institutionalized opression of gays. And now this, way to spit on your base Obama!

Am I doing this right?
posted by Ad hominem at 4:40 PM on November 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


The turkey is a lie.
posted by Kinbote at 4:41 PM on November 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


No, you do not have to click 21 times, you can the web page.

You can the web page. Jeez.
posted by mr_roboto at 4:45 PM on November 24, 2010


The turkey gets a secret campaign contribution from a major corporation after lobbying for zoning laws to change in the company's favor. Then the turkey lays low for a while, pandering to its constituents, until someone connects the dots. The blog post on the subject gets loads of web traffic, but the MSM refuses to run the story because the publishers are all in the pocket of vested interests, and by the time it sees the light of day, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Why do we keep letting this happen?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:47 PM on November 24, 2010 [8 favorites]


How long do I need to boil the webpage before canning it?
posted by The World Famous at 4:48 PM on November 24, 2010 [2 favorites]


Six words:
Farmer Barry's
Old Fashioned
Turkey Butter
posted by Atom Eyes at 4:49 PM on November 24, 2010


HA HA THEN IT GETS ITS OWN SHOW ON FOX AND ITS DAUGHTER DOES A SAFE SEX AD WITH "THE SITUATION" HA
posted by katillathehun at 4:49 PM on November 24, 2010 [8 favorites]


I expected to see The Onion video about Obama's pardon.
posted by Gucky at 4:50 PM on November 24, 2010


I was unable to the web page.
posted by DU at 4:50 PM on November 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


I like how Reagan is apparently from the "dawn of time"...
posted by wildcrdj at 4:52 PM on November 24, 2010


?
posted by R. Mutt at 4:56 PM on November 24, 2010


The actual answer to this intriguing question
posted by shii at 4:58 PM on November 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


Am I doing this right?

Personally, I would have gone for "Why isn't he pardoning Leonard Peltier?"
posted by Joe Beese at 4:58 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


21 clicks later, a lame punchline. I'll save you the trouble.
posted by bowline at 5:01 PM on November 24, 2010


If you start at the end and go backwards, it's like a Dadaist children's book.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:08 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Haa! Finally a *good* reason for Ms Palin to be elected to the highest office of the land: Rose Garden Turkey Shoot!
posted by sammyo at 5:15 PM on November 24, 2010


Really?
posted by Sailormom at 5:17 PM on November 24, 2010


I was unable to the web page

Try the and then to the right.
posted by nomadicink at 5:20 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Turkeys are hideously ugly
posted by torisaur at 5:24 PM on November 24, 2010


I am disappoint
posted by Nelson at 5:25 PM on November 24, 2010


What really happens to the turkey that the president pardons at Thanksgiving?

*burp*
posted by idiomatika at 5:26 PM on November 24, 2010


Torisaur, most people aren't much better looking.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 5:30 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Umm... Does that actually count as a turkey?

I see turkeys often enough, usually getting drunk (them, not me) on fermented apples in my yard. They look nothing like that overfed chicken.
posted by pla at 5:30 PM on November 24, 2010


Today at work, me and my friend Andrew were discussing turducken, I suggested that to improve it, the turducken needed to be stuffed inside an ostritch, but the best name we could come up wit was 'turduckeno."
posted by jonmc at 5:34 PM on November 24, 2010


This was really disappointing. The link to the REAL answer to the question was worth the thread, though.
posted by stoneweaver at 5:41 PM on November 24, 2010


Why hasn't Obama fixed the fact that turkeys have gross flaps of flesh hanging from their faces? Bright red drops of cancerous flesh. It's because he's too ________.

Go ahead, fill it in. You already did, didn't you?

Ha-ha!
posted by Splunge at 5:47 PM on November 24, 2010


The turkey Bush pardoned was lucky: scores of Texas convicts weren't.
posted by homerica at 5:47 PM on November 24, 2010 [4 favorites]


MetaFilter: Does that actually count as a turkey?
posted by Splunge at 5:48 PM on November 24, 2010


MaryDellamorte: "Torisaur, most people aren't much better looking"

Not until they jam pieces of metal through their faces. Then they are beautiful angels.
posted by Splunge at 5:50 PM on November 24, 2010


Oh fuck that was a bad idea. I should have thought about it before I hit post. I am seriously sorry. Especially as an ugly fat guy with a lot of tattoos.
posted by Splunge at 5:55 PM on November 24, 2010


Why hasn't Obama fixed the fact that turkeys have gross flaps of flesh hanging from their faces? Bright red drops of cancerous flesh. It's because he's too Muslim.
posted by Threeway Handshake at 5:55 PM on November 24, 2010


The annual tradition of pardoning Dick Cheney has to stop.
posted by humanfont at 6:05 PM on November 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


"Frying Pan Park" sounds like the poultry equivalent of "Bovine University" to me.
posted by Xoebe at 6:14 PM on November 24, 2010


"Oh fuck that was a bad idea. I should have thought about it before I hit post"

Splunge, what? I thought that was pretty funny, from like, out there, somewhere. I've done worse.
posted by Xoebe at 6:17 PM on November 24, 2010


In the end? They die.
posted by symbioid at 6:32 PM on November 24, 2010


The biggest turkey Obama pardoned was George Bush.

(I bet Jon Stewart did that one already.)
posted by 7-7 at 6:40 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


The deal seems to be larger birds' names first. So I think it'd be an "ostrurducken," which would also be a good name for a totally imaginary town in Austria if you need to bullshit one of those up on short notice.
posted by nebulawindphone at 6:44 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


Torisaur, most people aren't much better looking.

Touché, MaryDellamorte
posted by torisaur at 6:53 PM on November 24, 2010


I see turkeys often enough, usually getting drunk (them, not me) on fermented apples in my yard. They look nothing like that overfed chicken.

As with most domesticated animals, there are many breeds that have been developed from the wild strains. Wild turkeys are gorgeous. The pardoned turkey looks like a Broad-Breasted White, which with Broad-Breasted Bronze are the most common industrially raised breeds. They've been adapted to market preference - they can be raised to a smaller adult size, their pinfeathers don't show, the carcass doesn't have dark colorations, the breast is enormous, etc.
posted by Miko at 7:36 PM on November 24, 2010 [1 favorite]


...but if you want the pretty feathers or more variety in taste, you can always seek out a heritage breed.
posted by Miko at 7:38 PM on November 24, 2010


So when did Obama say "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!" ?
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:02 PM on November 24, 2010


On my way to becoming vegetarian, but gah, I can't eat ugly birds. All those close up pictures of turkey heads made my stomach churn. So no turkeys, no emus, certainly no, uh, Californian condors.
posted by peripathetic at 8:44 PM on November 24, 2010


This picture made the entire thing worth it.
And I just successfully took away all of the arguing power this fantastic slideshow had to offer. Whoops.
posted by MHPlost at 8:57 PM on November 24, 2010


I don't think whatever is behind the link can live up to the entertainment factor of the thread thus far, so I choose to not it.
posted by The Lurkers Support Me in Email at 9:18 PM on November 24, 2010


From those pictures, it looks like the presidential pardon is a religious blessing. I always thought it was a signed document. Do turkeys get different pardons than humans?
posted by yeolcoatl at 9:40 PM on November 24, 2010


From the actual answer page:

In and after 2005, the turkeys, with names like "Pumpkin and Pecan," "May and Flower" and "Marshmallow and Yamy", got a police escort and were flown (sometimes first class!) to Disneyland in California where they served as honorary grand marshals for Disneyland's Thanksgiving Day parade. After that, they spent the rest of their lives (which are often truncated as a result of their less-than-stellar factory farm origins) on Disneyland's Big Thunder Ranch.

That turkey has a better life than I do, so I'm playing mad libs.

In and after 2005, the 20-SOMETHINGS, with names like "YOUR NAME HERE," "MY NAME" and "Marshmallow and Yamy", got a GREAT ENTRY LEVEL JOB WITH A REASONABLE SALARY AND BENEFITS and were flown (sometimes first class!) to A HUGE WATERPARK WITH BARELY ANY LINES in California where they served as THE LEAST SOCIALLY AWKWARD PERSON WITH THE SLIMMEST STOMACH for THE REMAINING DECADES THAT IT MATTERED. After that, they spent the rest of their lives (which are often truncated as a result of their I DON'T KNOW, BLOGGING?) WISHING FIREFLY WOULD COME BACK TO TELEVISION.
posted by greenland at 10:33 PM on November 24, 2010 [7 favorites]


Personally, I would have gone for "Why isn't he pardoning Leonard Peltier?"

Too tough and gamy to eat in any case.
posted by atrazine at 2:00 AM on November 25, 2010 [3 favorites]


The end slide is clearly written by an overly irritating cock.
posted by jaduncan at 3:04 AM on November 25, 2010


As a Canadian, I really didn't realize the presidential turkey pardon was so involved! The original link didn't seem to work for me, but shii's did.
posted by Calzephyr at 8:41 AM on November 25, 2010


So when did Obama say "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!" ?

God's own truth, as I was catching up my turkeys last saturday morning, the last three pushed open the door to the pen and took flight over the electric fence, out of the pasture, over the pumpkin patch, over the deer fence, settled comfortably about 40' up in the treeline a half mile away.

Heritage birds don't need pardoned.
posted by stet at 9:12 AM on November 25, 2010 [1 favorite]


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