Santa's got backup
December 10, 2011 10:07 AM   Subscribe

A sub-directorate of the Bureau of Special Christmas Operations (BOSCO), Santa's Little Secret Service is an Elvish security agency with the primary mission of ensuring the safety of Santa, Mrs. Claus and other high-value Christmas persons. The Service is separated into divisions focusing on personal protection, diplomatic protection, intelligence, and Christmas certainty operations.

When not protecting Santa, LSS can found assisting in protection of other high-value, Holiday persons, such as the Easter Bunny and Jesus with the help of their unique Candy Cane weapons.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (16 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
total war and total mobilization for war, everywhere and in every conceivable situation... even our fantasies.
posted by at 10:15 AM on December 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I'm really glad they have Frank Chu and their team...
posted by Jibuzaemon at 10:26 AM on December 10, 2011

This is clearly a self aware parody of militarization and our protection fetish for political figures, there is something beautifully uncomfortable about it. I wouldn't want my kids growing up in a world where even The Easter bunny must be afraid of hugs, and protects against that fear with armed personal guards. I would want the idea that we should feel the need to send armies around the globe to manipulate, protect, bully, and conquer other nations to be as weird and bizarre as it actually is, not something so obvious even Santa does it regularly.

The puns and costumes are awesome, and the "Santa Imposter" being detained with the red bag over his head is transcendent.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:39 AM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

You'd better watch out. You'd better not cry. He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake.
posted by mhoye at 10:51 AM on December 10, 2011

It's been done.
posted by dhartung at 11:08 AM on December 10, 2011

These are the front-line shock troops in the War on Christmas. And I bet you thought that NORAD tracked The Santa for the benefit of the good little girls and boys.
posted by happyroach at 11:40 AM on December 10, 2011

Until the Whos live-tweeted about the attack and the wreckage of that stealth sleigh , I would never have believed the Grinch was hiding right on the outskirts to Whoville.

They say the hole in his heart grew three sizes that day.
posted by CynicalKnight at 11:54 AM on December 10, 2011

The use of candy canes as weapons go back at least as far as the mysterious warrior who defended the Kingdom of the Northland Elves from a terrible, massive beast. It was the same warrior's revenge against them that convinced the Elves they needed a Secret Service to protect their despotic King. Sadly, the Elves did not recognize the opportunity to throw off the yoke of their oppressive monarch.
posted by homunculus at 12:42 PM on December 10, 2011

Bun Bun's Black Ops Elves
posted by warbaby at 1:10 PM on December 10, 2011

Wait til Santa finds out he's been put on the no-fly list and no longer allowed in the country. Apparently the the DHS believe the elves have all converted to Islam, and the toys are thought to possibly contain WMDs. An unconfirmed report says that pressure from the toy manufacturing lobby was actually behind the ban. Claiming that giving toys away once a year is a Socialist plot and that Santa's Workshop is nothing more than Siberian gulag.
posted by doctor_negative at 1:32 PM on December 10, 2011

Grassy noël.
posted by pracowity at 2:24 PM on December 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Somehow I was expecting links to some sort of custom Christmas themed Eldar 40K army.
posted by Chekhovian at 2:28 PM on December 10, 2011

This is what happens when you have a large unemployment base - too many people with too much free time on their hands create things like this.
posted by Old'n'Busted at 2:32 PM on December 10, 2011

"If you or someone you know has been naughty, contact info AT".

HAAHAHAHA! Sheesh, where would I even begin?
posted by droplet at 2:54 PM on December 10, 2011

Every Christmas I toy with the idea of how one would capture Santa Claus.

Those elves have to be pretty fanatic. Anyone who will do manual labor in arctic conditions is pretty hardcore. He's benevolent, but dictatorial.

Consider: large operations base. Remote area. Harsh environment.
He's got considerable air mobility (the sleigh). Although NORAD says they track him, he penetrates air defenses routinely worldwide every year, without any element of surprise or attempt at stealth.
So the only real option is getting him at home.

It's such a daunting prospect attacking a fortress in those conditions that I keep chewing it over. Sort of like the Zombie Apocalypse thing. The permutations are endless.

Only thing I can think of that would be anywhere close is the fight over the Siachen Glacier in '84. Operation Meghdoot.

And Santa's intelligence network is matchless. Sees you when you're sleeping. Knows when you're awake. Has kids all over the world plugged in.
So you'd have to have non-Christian troops with no families, who don't frequent malls, trained in arctic warfare and skilled medical cadre who can treat candy cane and gumdrop wounds (poor penetration, but the expansion ballistics on gumdrops...yow).

So they better be good, for goodness sake.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:48 AM on December 11, 2011 [1 favorite]

This is what happens when you have a large unemployment base

Actually Evan is an editor at Laughing Squid. Though is previous employment at the SF Ballet probably greatly influenced this event.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 11:47 PM on December 11, 2011

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