Again With The Midichlorians

December 21, 2012 7:34 AM

Flash Friday: If you can't wait for until 2015 for the new Star Wars film, good news: you can find out how good it will be right now!
posted by mightygodking (66 comments total)

Man, the critics were NOT fans of "Star Wars: Twilight of the Smugglers." It was written by Joss Whedon, directed by Martin Scorcese and starring Nathan Fillion, so critics must be a lot different in 3 years than we understand them now.
posted by Navelgazer at 7:43 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

This is obviously wrong because a Star Wars comedy film by J.J. Abrams called "A Fist Full of Twi'leks" would sell at least one ticket, even if I was completely alone in the theater.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 7:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I lost it at "A Fistful of Trade Embargoes".
posted by DU at 7:45 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would see 'Again with the Midichlorians' I see Woody Allen as director.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:46 AM on December 21, 2012 [5 favorites]

I'm really disappointed that Mel Brooks wasn't able to pen my film, "Again with the Ewoks?"
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:46 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

What I'm saying is I gave them another Firefly movie in place of a Star Wars sequel no one wants and had it directed by the living master himself. What more do you want, nerds?!
posted by Navelgazer at 7:47 AM on December 21, 2012

I wanted Woody Allen but had to go with Joss Whedon. And then, after I received my F, I noticed I also had Whedon write and Nathon Fillion star and before me was another Firefly film.
posted by chinesefood at 7:48 AM on December 21, 2012

Well, its not going to work out if Sofia Coppola writes, Michael Bay directs, and Shia Lebeouf stars. Its a good thing we have this simulator.
posted by Area Man at 7:49 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Michael Fassbender in "A Fistful of Princesses" performed quite well.
posted by emelenjr at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2012

Gaiman/Scorcese/Goldblum... Star Wars: A Fistful of Smugglers. "Easily the most whimsical Star Wars to date, but in many ways, the most human."
posted by MegoSteve at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2012

They have Neil Gaiman but no Stephen Moffat?

I think a fannish movie written by Stephen Moffat would be the best thing ever.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 7:55 AM on December 21, 2012

CONFERENCE ROOM, HOLLYWOOD CA

COPPOLA: Michael, I'm hoping you can really capture the bittersweet melancholy of a girl coming of age in a galactic republic recovering from a brutal civil war.
BAY: Yeah, don't worry. She's gonna be really hot. I'm holding auditions next week. My Ferrari needs a wash.
COPPOLA: Um... I .... *stares awkwardly at feet*
BAY: I love hot chicks. You were really hot in Godfather 3. I love that scene with the helicopter and the machine guns.
COPPOLA: I'm suddenly not feeling very well.
SHIA LEBOUF ARRIVES
SHIA: Hey Mike!
BAY: Hey Shia!
SHIA: We gonna blow some shit up? I love it when we blow some shit up!
BAY: Me too!
COPPOLA: *puts on headphones, listens to Air, weeps quietly*
posted by leotrotsky at 8:02 AM on December 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Critics were likewise not a fan of A Fistfull of Blasters, an epic action romance by Gaiman/Hoffman/Levitt.
posted by gauche at 8:03 AM on December 21, 2012

Wait. I have the option of having Jeff Goldblum star in this, David Lynch direct, and David Cronenberg write?

That would totally get me to go see a Star Wars movie.

Star Wars: The Devil Blasters.

Apparently, critics hated it. An F. Fuck them, man. IT'S JEFF GOLDBLUM! Come on.
posted by Redfield at 8:04 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

So...Tina Fey can write and star in it, but she can't direct it too? That's just racist, man.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:05 AM on December 21, 2012

I ❤ the lo-res graphics.
posted by goethean at 8:05 AM on December 21, 2012

lynch!

midiclorians = garmonbozia
posted by leotrotsky at 8:05 AM on December 21, 2012 [5 favorites]

And how can Cronenberg star in it?!
posted by goethean at 8:06 AM on December 21, 2012

The title "Again with the Wookies" is read, in my head, by Dr. Zoidberg.
posted by Mister Fabulous at 8:06 AM on December 21, 2012 [12 favorites]

Imagine: in the future, this will actually exist.
posted by goethean at 8:07 AM on December 21, 2012

Cronenberg/Cronenberg/Cronenberg, "Revenge of the Rancors" -> D-
posted by goethean at 8:09 AM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

Episode VII: The Wrath Of The Rancors (Verhoeven directing Fillion from a Lynch script) got a surprising B- for its subtlety and doubled its money at the box office. Nothing rank there!
posted by comealongpole at 8:13 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

I would like to see what would happen if Kevin Smith wrote something for Michael Bay to direct. I expect that for the first time in film history, an actual fire ball would give an expository monologue.
posted by hanoixan at 8:19 AM on December 21, 2012 [8 favorites]

Wait. No Lars von Trier option?
posted by Redfield at 8:23 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Star Wars: The Queen of the Ewoks (written by Warren Ellis, directed by Neil Gaiman, and starring Harrison Ford) garnered a B-: "Fans will no doubt rejoice that they can legitimately enjoy a new Star Wars film. These Sith are not just evil, they're real bastards. And great fun." Just goes to show that ol' George had it right all along with the whole Endor/Yub Nub thing.
posted by sysinfo at 8:25 AM on December 21, 2012

Cronenberg writes, Abrams directs, and Tina Fey stars in Star Wars VII: The Usual Princesses - "What could have just been a story about Jedi and Sith rises above Hero's Journey cliche to say something truly poignant. Fey's Star Wars is not Lucas's Star Wars, but it is good Star Wars. "
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:25 AM on December 21, 2012

And how can Cronenberg star in it?!

He did have an acting part in JasonX.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:26 AM on December 21, 2012

Then again, George Lucas in his one-man film Star Wars: Master of the Trade Embargoes also got a B-. "If this is the only movie you see this year, and for some it will be, it's probably just as well. One wonders if this is the same Lucas who helmed the prequels." It's almost as though the fans don't know what they want!
posted by sysinfo at 8:30 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Ooh! I managed an A- with Arndt writing, P.T. Anderson directing and Harrison Ford starring in "Those Fabulous Wookiees."
posted by Navelgazer at 8:32 AM on December 21, 2012

Results may not be repeatable.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:32 AM on December 21, 2012

"Star Wars: Master of the Midichlorians" (dir: G. Lucas; screenplay: G. Lucas; star: Shia LeBoeuf; Profit: $195,001,023).

B+   Fans will no doubt rejoice that they can legitimately enjoy a new Star Wars film. One wonders if this is the same Lucas who helmed the prequels."

I could do this all day.
posted by George Lucas at 8:34 AM on December 21, 2012 [10 favorites]

Lollll
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:36 AM on December 21, 2012

Well if it won't let me create the Ryan Gosling vehicle Hey Girl, Let's Go to Tosche Station to Pick Up Some Power Converters what good is surviving the apocalypse.
posted by jason_steakums at 8:36 AM on December 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Results may not be repeatable.

They aren't at all; you can keep repeating the same mix time and time again and get different reviews. Which is amusing in its own right.
posted by never used baby shoes at 8:37 AM on December 21, 2012

Again With the Clones: Written by David Lynch (srsly, how good would that be?!), directed by George Lucas, starring Nathan Fillion got an F. Cost was $202M and profit was -$30. Still, that franchise really needs some David Lynch strangeness.

Would have loved the option of titling my movie Never Mind the Gungans.
posted by bluejayway at 8:39 AM on December 21, 2012

TIL that JJ Abrams played Doug in Six Degrees of Separation.
posted by Nelson at 8:47 AM on December 21, 2012

Star Princesses got a D+? Pfft. Legions of little girls clutching lightsabers would beg to differ.
posted by emjaybee at 9:25 AM on December 21, 2012

I gave up when I couldn't choose Joe Eszterhas to write or direct.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:46 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

that's fun. my Harlan Ellison penned, James Cameron directed Philip Seymour-Hoffman vehicle lost several million and received an F "perhaps the worst star wars movie ever made..."

I'm so proud!
posted by supermedusa at 9:55 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

They aren't at all; you can keep repeating the same mix time and time again and get different reviews. Which is amusing in its own right.

They aren't usually repeatable, but my Harlan Ellison written, Paul Verhoeven directed Edward James Olmos starring movie got Fs consistently.

I have no idea why.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 10:02 AM on December 21, 2012

The simulator thingy is broken. How can "A Fistful of Wookies" NOT make money?
posted by mrhappy at 10:07 AM on December 21, 2012

Star Wars: Master of the Droids
Writer: Kaufman
Director: Lynch
Star: Fillion

"If this is the only movie you see this year, and for some it will be, it's probably just as well. It stands as a weird, but ultimately moving, and certainly memorable film." B-
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 10:10 AM on December 21, 2012

Star Wars: Mind Your Ewoks will make 335 M domestically for a 160M profit! Joss Whedon, Ridley Scott, and Will Smith - together at last!
posted by Mister_A at 10:27 AM on December 21, 2012

Hey if you press the launch button again, you get a different review, grade, and gross. THIS ISN'T SCIENTISTIC NUMBER CRUNCHOMETRY AT ALL!

I am disappoint.

Not really
posted by Mister_A at 10:29 AM on December 21, 2012

Ugh the follow-up Follow Those Droids! (Cronenberg/Shyamalan/Goldblum) bombed.
posted by Mister_A at 10:41 AM on December 21, 2012

"We can all safely continue pretending the last Star Wars film came out in 1982. Audiences are right to question why Disney bought Lucas's films only to hire him to keep making them."

Well, that was the outcome I expected for Revenge of the Ewoks, written/starring/directed by Lucas. But this thing is broken because if I relaunch, it gives me a B- for the same film. DUMB. And I really, really wanted to see more potential stars and fewer directors in the list. In fact, there should be three lists, anyway: One primarily directors, one writers, one actors.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:42 AM on December 21, 2012

Still, that franchise really needs some David Lynch strangeness.

He already had his chance. He turned down Jedi to direct Dune. I am not kidding.
posted by mr_roboto at 10:44 AM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

No Tim Burton, Bruce Willis blockbuster?
posted by blue_beetle at 10:51 AM on December 21, 2012

The most I've been able to lose is a tad over $200M. That's pretty good though!
posted by Mister_A at 10:52 AM on December 21, 2012

Oh wait I just lost 291,452,714 — my ENTIRE production nut — Thanks M. Night Shyamalan! Not one ticket sold!
posted by Mister_A at 10:53 AM on December 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

My biggest disappointment is that the middle sliders won't go below 3% so I can't make my Lucas/Bay movie that would just be Jeff Goldblum making out with a Sarlacc. My opus has, apparently, 1 spaceship and 1 joke.
posted by Copronymus at 11:12 AM on December 21, 2012

With Gaiman writing, Whedon directing, and Fillion starring in The Last of the Smugglers, I got almost consistent A-'s.

With a random F every now and then.

What, did they ask real critics for their input?
posted by pupdog at 11:42 AM on December 21, 2012

My Cronenberg-written and -directed Sci Epic vehicle for Nathan Fillion called Endless Wookies made a flippin fortune!
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 11:47 AM on December 21, 2012

Tina Fey playing Leia would be just poetic.
posted by schmod at 12:08 PM on December 21, 2012

Could MetaFilter have a little more of a bigger boner for Nathan Fillion?

(Lost $46 M)
posted by Mister_A at 12:32 PM on December 21, 2012

I figured Revenge of the Hutts, starring Miranda July with Cronenberg directing from a Harlan Ellison script would be middling at best. I did not expect it to bring Walter Monheit out of retirement. This is why I am not a studio head.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:56 PM on December 21, 2012

Although apparently the missing ingredient to the prequels was H. Ford. Get Lucas to write and direct Attack of the Clones with Ford, and it is an A.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:59 PM on December 21, 2012

I'm actually feeling fairly good about how Disney may end up doing with the Star Wars franchise, but I would rather see Star Wars VII: The Queen of the Lost written by Tina Fey, directed by J.J. Abrams, and starring Michael Fassbender with it's B+ (at least the first time) than anything else that will happen in our reality.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:13 PM on December 21, 2012

Could MetaFilter have a little more of a bigger boner for Nathan Fillion?

Alison Brie was unavailable.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 2:16 PM on December 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Alison Brie in Star Wars is a brilliant idea. She can act, she can banter like nobody's business, and she's easy on the eyes.
posted by Area Man at 2:28 PM on December 21, 2012

Yeah, if she played Han and Leia's daughter -- the titular Queen of the Lost -- in my movie, I'm pretty sure it would be an A-.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:33 PM on December 21, 2012

Mister_A: "(Lost $46 M)"

And yet he won our hearts. And, in the end, isn't that what really matters? Well, that and pretty floral bonnets.
posted by stet at 2:48 PM on December 21, 2012

Alison Brie in Star Wars is a brilliant idea. She can act, she can banter like nobody's business, and she's easy on the eyes.

This also sounds much better if you let your inner Zoidberg say it.
posted by hap_hazard at 3:15 PM on December 21, 2012

Hey guys, I was the designer/programmer on this. The amazing art was done by my friend Joe Kowalski, UI designer for Double Fine.

It's really great to know you guys are enjoying it!

I assure you the results are not completely random.
posted by GameDesignerBen at 5:04 PM on December 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

This also sounds much better if you let your inner Zoidberg say it.

My inner Zoidberg is close to the surface.
posted by Area Man at 5:12 PM on December 21, 2012

This really reminds me of an old DOS game called Movie Mogul (I think). It was kind of random but fun. Any takers?
posted by FUD at 5:48 PM on December 22, 2012