a film cobbled together from drafts worked on by at least nine writers

April 5, 2013 8:14 AM

The actors would shove each day's new pages aside unread. Hoskins and Leguizamo swilled scotch together between takes, leading to an on-set accident in which Leguizamo drunkenly crashed a truck and Hoskins broke his hand... When Stayton told Hopper the directors declined to speak to him for the story, the actor responded, "That's the only intelligent thing I've heard that they've really actually done."

Hollywood Archaeology: The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Bonus Feature: How Did This Get Made? - Super Mario Bros.

posted by griphus (126 comments total)

Saw it opening day in the theater. My girlfriend at the time cited it as a reason she broke up with me. (She's now my wife, though, so what does she know?)
posted by ColdChef at 8:20 AM on April 5, 2013 [44 favorites]

"In an ominous foreshadowing of things to come, he admitted that, in addition to the threadbare narrative of the games, he had been stymied somewhat by the fact that 'most Super Mario journeys end in failure.'"

This is why the best video game movie ever made is Run Lola Run.
posted by gauche at 8:20 AM on April 5, 2013 [34 favorites]

Oh man I love this movie. I think it's actually amazing. I don't know why no one else seems to.
posted by Alex404 at 8:26 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Wow. Hopper and Hoskins slumming it bigtime. That almost beats Raul Julia showing up in Mortal Kombat.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:27 AM on April 5, 2013

After seeing Super Mario Bros. in theatres my friends were certain that there would be a sequel because of the ending.

I assured them that there would definitely not be a sequel.

That almost beats Raul Julia showing up in Mortal Kombat.

Or Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne.
posted by ODiV at 8:30 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

That almost beats Raul Julia showing up in Mortal Kombat.

Or Liam g-darn Neeson in Battleship.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:30 AM on April 5, 2013

Street Fighter, Liquidwolf. Raul Julia's last movie was Street Fighter.

***pushes glasses up on nose, adjusts pocket protector, gets lunch money taken by bigger commenters***
posted by Rangeboy at 8:31 AM on April 5, 2013 [18 favorites]

> Wow. Hopper and Hoskins slumming it bigtime. That almost beats Raul Julia showing up in Mortal Kombat.

As Raul Julia movies go, Overdrawn At The Memory Bank makes Mortal Kombat Street Fighter look like Blade Runner.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:31 AM on April 5, 2013 [9 favorites]

That almost beats Raul Julia showing up in Mortal Kombat.

Street Fighter. Mortal Kombat had much in the way of cheese, but it did not have the scenery-chewing glory that was M. Bison.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:31 AM on April 5, 2013

Max von Sydow in Judge Dredd.
posted by griphus at 8:32 AM on April 5, 2013

Orson Welles in Transformers: The Movie.

Okay, that's toys and not video games, but still.
posted by ODiV at 8:34 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons.

D&D was also a video game...
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:35 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Slight derail. Bookmark the "How Did This Get Made?" podcast. It is one of the best things on the Internet. This episode is pretty amazing but my personal favourite is Superman III. Check it out.
posted by Fizz at 8:36 AM on April 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

Oh right Street Fighter, not Mortal Kombat. Sorry.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:36 AM on April 5, 2013

Need a post about what A list actors will do to pay off gambling or alimony debt.
posted by sammyo at 8:37 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I, too, love this movie, which leaves me dangerously isolated in my family.
posted by No Robots at 8:38 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Jeremy Irons in Dungeons & Dragons.

Jeremy Irons has gotta eat.

I doubt they were able to pay him much for that movie, so thankfully they worked out a trade where instead of buying food he was able to gorge himself on scenery.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:39 AM on April 5, 2013 [19 favorites]

Oh right Street Fighter, not Mortal Kombat. Sorry.

Although, you did make Christopher Lambert grow three inches taller for thinking that he once slummed at a Raul Julia level of quality.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:40 AM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Or Liam g-darn Neeson in Battleship.

Or Phantom Menace.
posted by DU at 8:40 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

> I doubt they were able to pay him much for that movie, so thankfully they worked out a trade where instead of buying food he was able to gorge himself on scenery.

Yep.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:42 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

The trailer. That trailer. The straight-faced use of "The Power" on the soundtrack, the bad early 90s effects, that pseudo-Burton-Batman dark but saturated look... Man oh man.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:42 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Christopher Lambert does not slum. Christopher Lambert is the only choice for any role eventually played by Christopher Lambert.
posted by griphus at 8:43 AM on April 5, 2013 [20 favorites]

I was 10 when that came out, but I don't think I saw it until much later. I didn't hate it, but it was definitely a very odd film.

I think the biggest problem with it was they felt they needed to make Koopa a humanoid antagonist. They should have made Koopa more of a King Kong figure who kidnaps the princess that they meet early in Act 1 after for Reasons they end up in the mushroom kingdom. So they meet her and she's the only person that can bring them back home, but Koopa captures the princess for Other Reasons.

So to get home they must travel through the strange land encountering the odd inhabitants from the game world while trying to follow Koopa and rescuing the princess. Along the way they have an amazing adventure through underground caves, sky-platforms, castles, etc. All connected by a strange series of pipes that defy physics. More Legend or Neverending Story than whatever it was they were trying to go for.
posted by Green With You at 8:44 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

What is the worst job you've done?
Super Mario Brothers.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Super Mario Brothers.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I wouldn't do Super Mario Brothers.
~ Bob Hoskins, The Guardian

posted by Fizz at 8:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [28 favorites]

Christopher Lambert does not slum. Christopher Lambert is the only choice for any role eventually played by Christopher Lambert.

That's not what Diane Lane thought! BOOM!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Or Liam g-darn Neeson in Battleship.

Neeson would seemingly do a third-grade spring festival play so long as you wave a check in front of him, anymore.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

instead of buying food he was able to gorge himself on scenery.

These days Jeremy Irons survives by chewing up morsels of your previous esteem for him
posted by forgetful snow at 8:46 AM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

As inconsistent and disconnected from the games as this movie was, my ten year old self easily accepted it. In those days, there were a whole host of media properties that were being put through the kiddie filter to create marketing entertainment opportunities for children (e.g. Rambo , Robocop, Police Academy, etc) and I was very aware of the general weirdness this translation introduced and how different the end result could be from the source material. To me, Super Mario Bros. was just an inverse application of this filter and represented a hypothetical 'adult' movie from which the 'kids' games could have been originally derived. Those Goombas were scary as all get out; it's no wonder they were replaced with stern looking mushrooms.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 8:46 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

> Neeson would seemingly do a third-grade spring festival play so long as you wave a check in front of him, anymore.

"There's always a bigger cheque."
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:48 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

What is the worst job you've done?
Super Mario Brothers.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Super Mario Brothers.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I wouldn't do Super Mario Brothers.
~ Bob Hoskins, The Guardian

The next question explains all:

What keeps you awake at night?
Worrying about money.
posted by DU at 8:50 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Max von Sydow in Judge Dredd.

Rather cruelly the HDTGM for Judge Dreddd suggested that it, Mario Brothers and Pluto Nash were all shot on the same set.

So... Videogame movie that are good... Silent Hill?
posted by Artw at 8:50 AM on April 5, 2013

So, I was about to make a joke about how SMB was ok because it set the stage for The Wizard, which is really the best video game ever made: Fun plot, amazing product placement -- Power Glove! Super Mario Bros 3!, and bonus Fred Savage!

But dudes, The Wizard came out in 1989 -- why did they even bother after that?

I love The Wizard... it's so bad.
posted by sparklemotion at 8:50 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

> Or Liam g-darn Neeson in Battleship.

Or Phantom Menace.

See, I can forgive Phantom Menace, because that had the "it's muthafukkin' STAR WARS" cred behind it, at first. I mean, before it actually came out, the Star Wars franchise had some serious cred.

Neeson would seemingly do a third-grade spring festival play so long as you wave a check in front of him, anymore.

I've been cutting him some slack in the immediate short-term and chalking it up to grief clouding his judgement. But I'm also hoping that Battleship is the thing that made him start realizing "wait, I need to get it together here...."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:51 AM on April 5, 2013

So... Videogame movie that are good... Silent Hill?

I really, really enjoyed Doom.
posted by griphus at 8:51 AM on April 5, 2013

set the stage for The Wizard , which is really the best video game ADVERTISEMENT ever made:

Fixed.
posted by Fizz at 8:51 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

We should start a club. I loved this movie as a young teen (what 90's kid didn't have a John Leguizamo phase?) and I still think it's incredible. Even watching the trailer makes me smile.

I mean, I accept that it's not a very good movie, but it's certainly an enjoyable one. I think it's definitely one of those movies that suffers from having too big a budget - sometimes restraint produces better results. It could have been an accidental cult success like Equilibrium.
posted by muddgirl at 8:51 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

This movie sucks? What are you people, nuts? I have two words for you about this movie: Mojo fuckin' Nixon
posted by KingEdRa at 8:52 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

So... Videogame movie that are good... Silent Hill?

A copy of Street Fighter edited down to just the scenes with Raul Julia

Advent Children, if you like that sort of thing

The Pokemon movies seem fine for their target audience, I guess
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:53 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mac and Me.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:53 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Rotten Tomatoes says the best video game adaptation is Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, at 44%.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:54 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Neeson would seemingly do a third-grade spring festival play so long as you wave a check in front of him, anymore.

Especially if that third grade Spring festival involved him seeking revenge on someone for something, and doing doing whatever it takes to avenge, revengefully.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:55 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mac and Me.

Don't go there.
posted by Liquidwolf at 8:56 AM on April 5, 2013

I still can't believe there weren't protests at the UN about Taken.
posted by The Card Cheat at 8:56 AM on April 5, 2013

I had hope for the BioShock movie, but it's D-E-D ded.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 8:57 AM on April 5, 2013

He was replaced by Morton and Jankel, who had followed up the sly is-it-subversive-or-is-it-sellout sensation Max Headroom with a failed remake of the film noir D.O.A.

I vaguely remember liking DOA but Max Headroom I loved... Looking at IMDB Mario killed them off bar the odd documentary or music video.
posted by Artw at 9:00 AM on April 5, 2013

So... Videogame movie that are good... Silent Hill?

As much as I liked seeing Pyramid Head as played by an actor, no, that movie was not any good.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:02 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dead Hologram Sir Lawrence Olivier in Sky Captain?
posted by Strange Interlude at 9:04 AM on April 5, 2013

*opens the door, gets on the floor, does the dinosaur*
posted by The Whelk at 9:10 AM on April 5, 2013 [12 favorites]

So... Videogame movie that are good... Silent Hill?

The Boston Globe put up a review for the second Resident Evil movie when it came out. It said something along the lines of, "Don't watch this movie unless your idea of a good time is zombies, explosions, and hot women on motorcycles."

It was intended to be a bad review, oddly, and it convinced me that I should go see this. Anyway, by that metric, it's a smashing success. Stuff blows up and zombies get killed and at one point there is a character who is essentially Jason Voorhees in a leather trenchcoat with a rocket launcher.

Oh, and Uwe Boll's Postal, which is just this absolutely insane film.

Other than that, there really aren't any. SMB is apparently worth watching for its trainwreck value. I also liked Mortal Kombat, the first one, when it came out, but I was still in high school when it came out. It has its moments but has not aged well.

The thing is, videogame movies are generally a terrible idea. It's not like anyone ever looks at them and thinks, "Hm, there's a good story here that could be served well by the medium of film." They're cash grabs. It's not out of the question for a cash grab to be a good movie, but it's not really likely either. It's a process that preys on the tendency of a person to think, "Oh man, this would be a great movie," and promptly begin envisioning their engagement with the game converted to film and played by live actors. That is not a thing that happens. They're video games. The core of the narrative is that it's driven by the player. Take that investment away and you're left with the level of writing and characterization shown by your average video game. Not really enough there to build a movie around.

Ultimately the problem - or one of many - is that either it will be not enough like the game, in which case you will alienate the only audience who gives a shit, or it will be too much like the game, in which case your movie will feel like watching someone else play a video game.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:12 AM on April 5, 2013

I'm convinced the director of Sky Captain was some sort of extra-dimensional parasite that fed on acting ability, considering the spectacular failure of the otherwise decent actors in that movie to display any.
posted by griphus at 9:13 AM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

Here's the list of movies based on videogames with international releases. I don't think you can go through that list and find a movie where at least one member of the cast doesn't need a slap in the face and a good shake while yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE" before they tearfully reveal their enormous gambling debts.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:13 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Neeson would seemingly do a third-grade spring festival play so long as you wave a check in front of him, anymore.

“I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.” [Michael Caine on Jaws: The Revenge]

posted by fatbird at 9:15 AM on April 5, 2013 [12 favorites]

I like Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and the Resident Evil franchise. I'm not saying they are good, mind you, just that I like them. But the best movie based on a videogame was clearly The Matrix.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:19 AM on April 5, 2013

Sky Captain suffered from the same problem Death Proof did: it's too faithful of a pastiche, and copies the flaws of the original works as well as the strengths. I didn't mind them at all - I love the movie, in fact - but yeah they were going for a specific kind of dramatic performance and, to the detriment of the film's success, they succeeded.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:21 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Wreck-it Ralph is actually really, really good. Not a video-game adaptation, but undoubtedly a video-game movie.

Re: Matrix: They made a videogame out of The Invisibles?
posted by thecaddy at 9:23 AM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

Ebert derail: One of my entries in Ebert's first "Little Movie Glossary" was "The Betsy Syndrome," wherein a movie actor is referred to parenthetically by his latest movie. So, when he died, one of the greatest actors of our time was referred to as "Lawrence (The Betsy) Olivier."

Ebert was nice enough to email me after I submitted the item to not only tell me that he was going to use it in his book, but that he had shown it to Siskel who had chuckled at it. I still swoon when I think of that email.

Anyway, I now have "Raul (Street Fighter) Julia" stuck in my head. Thanks.
posted by Infinity_8 at 9:25 AM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

"Matt (Angry Birds III) Damon"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:28 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

I never played any Resident Evil, but I enjoyed the hell out of the first Resident Evil movie. Not sure it's a _great_ movie or anything, but I didn't think it was terrible. So there's that.

Going the other way, I'd bet you could make a great adventure / puzzler with a climactic action sequence out of Pitch Black, too.
posted by gauche at 9:29 AM on April 5, 2013

Sky Captain suffered from the same problem Death Proof did: it's too faithful of a pastiche, and copies the flaws of the original works as well as the strengths. I didn't mind them at all - I love the movie, in fact

Do people not like Death Proof? I thought it was such a slick, well-oiled 90 mins - you could accuse it of being a bit cold but I really like it (getting shot HURTS you guys.)

Anyway the movie that this statement is MOST TRUE OF is Super 8, which mimicked the 80s Speilbergness so much it reproduced all the flaws in those movies.
posted by The Whelk at 9:29 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

"Matt (Angry Birds III) Damon"

Contagion is an Angry Birds movie.
posted by The Whelk at 9:30 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I get the sense people talking about Battleship haven't actually seen it. It's pretty good, certainly a lot of fun. Nothing Neeson should be ashamed of there. Battleship is a demolisher of low expectations, like G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra and Speed Racer, neither of which had any business being as good as they turned out to be. And speaking of Speed Racer, just look at that cast! Goodman and Sarandon! Ha!
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 9:31 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

A totally unironic appreciation of Super Mario Brothers: The Movie.
posted by ThatFuzzyBastard at 9:32 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Death Proof was a little long in the tooth, but the first half (especially the first half of the first half) were some pretty ace moviemaking.
posted by griphus at 9:33 AM on April 5, 2013

Sky Captain is no Iron Skies, which is a... Well, it's *something*.
posted by Artw at 9:33 AM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

I kinda liked the Double Dragon movie. I have to assume a big portion of that was I first saw it as I was going through puberty and a character in the film really did it for me.
posted by Green With You at 9:35 AM on April 5, 2013

It's astonishing now to think that Super Mario Bros was released at basically the same time as Jurassic Park. My idiot 12-year-old self decided to see Super Mario Bros first and leave Jurassic Park until the following week. It's one of those memories I still cringe at.
posted by jonnyploy at 9:41 AM on April 5, 2013

The Double Dragon movie has amazing set/prop design and costumes and just all the visual stuff is pretty great considering the budget, but my god the movie itself is a tragedy.
posted by griphus at 9:42 AM on April 5, 2013

I'm fairly certain that the TMNT video games arrived after the cartoon television series/films? That franchise was originally based on a comic series, correct?

That was one franchise that I enjoyed quite a bit that worked in many mediums. Some better than others but all of them entertaining.
posted by Fizz at 9:42 AM on April 5, 2013

It started as a comic series, yeah. The first movie in particular was directly based on the comic, to its benefit.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 9:44 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

But the best movie based on a videogame was clearly The Matrix.

The best videogame movie is Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:45 AM on April 5, 2013 [6 favorites]

The first TMNT game (1989) predates the film (1990), but came after the series (1987.)
posted by griphus at 9:46 AM on April 5, 2013

Thanks for looking that up for me griphus.
posted by Fizz at 9:47 AM on April 5, 2013

Wait, I forgot: The best videogame movie is Shoot 'Em Up
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 9:47 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

As Raul Julia movies go, Overdrawn At The Memory Bank makes Mortal Kombat Street Fighter look like Blade Runner.

It did, however, make an entertaining MST3K episode.

"I demand that you set up a delicious buffet!"
posted by Foosnark at 9:49 AM on April 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

I really enjoyed the first Mortal Kombat film. It was both dark and silly at the same time without being difficult to watch. I was very entertained.
posted by Fizz at 9:52 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Do people not like Death Proof? I thought it was such a slick, well-oiled 90 mins - you could accuse it of being a bit cold but I really like it (getting shot HURTS you guys.)

The problem most people seem to have have with Death Proof was that it was a too-faithful recreation of the grindhouse cinema of the time: There would be a whole lot of talking and non-action punctuated by brief sequences of over-the-top violence, eventually building to an exciting climax.

Tarantino did work on building background tension in a way that a lot of grindhouse directors did not, but still. It was too different from what a lot of audiences were expecting.

I loved it, but there you go. Another problem it suffered from was that its target audience was not really the size of the moviegoing public, and Sky Captain had that same problem. It's tricky to put a movie in wide-release that pays fastidious tribute to a genre of movies which most of your audience has never actually seen.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:53 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

The first time I ever said the word "shit" to my mother was when I came home from the movies and she asked me how Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was.
posted by griphus at 9:54 AM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

"I demand that you set up a delicious buffet!"

FILTHY DIRTY ANTEATERS
posted by The Whelk at 9:55 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Sky Captain had that same problem. It's tricky to put a movie in wide-release that pays fastidious tribute to a genre of movies which most of your audience has never actually seen.

I have trouble seeing Sky Captain as a movie not me projecting my idealized fantasy world onto the screen.

Although I honestly could not tell you what happens after the first hour.
posted by The Whelk at 9:57 AM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

The first time I ever said the word "shit" to my mother was when I came home from the movies and she asked me how Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was.
posted by griphus at 12:54 PM on April 5 [2 favorites −] Favorite added! [!]

So context is everything. Did you say: "It was THE shit!" or "It was shit!" or just "Shit."
posted by Fizz at 10:07 AM on April 5, 2013

I know a person who worked in a bit part on the Mario Bro.s movie. She didn't get very much work after that.

Do people not like Death Proof? I thought it was such a slick, well-oiled 90 mins - you could accuse it of being a bit cold but I really like it (getting shot HURTS you guys.)

Death Proof is cool because it's two movies: the exploitation film in the first half that the audience came in expecting, and the revenge film in the second which basically said 'fuck you' to that same audience. It fits alongside Basterds and Django as being Quentin Tarrantino flipping off his audience while saying 'I'm going to give you exactly what you want, asshole.'
posted by codacorolla at 10:09 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Either "it was shit" or just the word "shitty," I don't recall exactly as at that moment I was very upset that both the sequel to one of my favorite movies was so bad, and that I had wasted eight dollars I could've instead spent on comic books or Magic cards or industrial CDs or whatever it was I was into at the time.
posted by griphus at 10:11 AM on April 5, 2013

"I demand that you set up a delicious buffet!"

"My nuts?"
posted by Rangeboy at 10:18 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

"I demand that you set up a delicious buffet!"

FILTHY DIRTY ANTEATERS

I hope I don't bobble or fumble the Fingle dopple!
posted by longtime_lurker at 10:21 AM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Agreed with the Wreck-It Ralph suggestion. To date, that's the only videogame-related movie I've seen that's made me want to play the game it's based on, fictional or no. That and possibly Scott Pilgrim.

Super Mario Brothers, on the other hand, felt the best way to dramatize Mario and Luigi defeating Goombahs, which was done in the game by jumping on them, was to make them shuffle their feet to Was (Not Was) in an elevator. Though, come to think of it, I can't come up with a better alternative.
posted by cottoncandybeard at 10:24 AM on April 5, 2013

I enjoy the Matress Ride Of Romantic Comdey bit in SMB totally unironically.
posted by The Whelk at 10:30 AM on April 5, 2013

As Raul Julia movies go, Overdrawn At The Memory Bank makes Mortal Kombat Street Fighter look like Blade Runner.

In fairness to the late Julia, that was fairly early in his career.

Concerning the Super Mario Bros. movie, I wonder, if the movie had been made with perfect fidelity to its source material, would it have been better? At least all those kids wouldn't have been disappointed, but it really is bizarre thing to film whether it's two normal guys traveling to an underground dinosaur dystopia or to a magical pipe world overrun by turtles.

It's not that I don't think the latter is doomed to be awful, it's that it'd require a kind of bizarre genius to make it work, while the former is just warmed over Alien From L.A., of all things.

According to the IMDB, after Super Mario Bros., neither of its directors Annabel Jankel or Rocky Morton worked (except for a "making of" short) for over ten years.
posted by JHarris at 10:38 AM on April 5, 2013

Agreed with the Wreck-It Ralph suggestion. To date, that's the only videogame-related movie I've seen that's made me want to play the game it's based on, fictional or no.

Sadly I haven't seen any video game adaptation of it that looks nearly as interesting as what we see in the movie. Disney's Flash recreation is pretty lame, and I hear the console game adaptations aren't that great.
posted by JHarris at 10:43 AM on April 5, 2013

The best videogame movie is the Parasite Eve movie playing in my head right now.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:49 AM on April 5, 2013

Oh Fiona Shaw, why are you always the best part of the goofiest movies?
posted by The Whelk at 10:53 AM on April 5, 2013

Going the other way, I'd bet you could make a great adventure / puzzler with a climactic action sequence out of Pitch Black, too.

Let me point you at Chronicles of Riddick, which I have not played but is apparently very good. Though it's also not so much a puzzle as a conventional ultraviolent FPS.
posted by Going To Maine at 10:57 AM on April 5, 2013

This is why the best video game movie ever made is Run Lola Run.

Strangely enough I've met very few people who think of that movie that way.
posted by lodurr at 11:11 AM on April 5, 2013

Even the trailer is a hot mess.
posted by usonian at 11:11 AM on April 5, 2013

I found the Resident Evil adaptations to be a lot better than what I expected. In fact, I would say they were much better than most of the recent action movies not based on video games -- which seem to be shit remakes of Die Hard crossed with Oceans 11 and saturday morning cartoons. Which sounds great until you watch it. :-)
posted by smidgen at 11:17 AM on April 5, 2013

"Matt (Angry Birds III) Damon"

c'mon, people, UP-FLAG this puppy so we can get it on the front page!
posted by lodurr at 11:20 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've always felt that the SMB movie would've been much better if they'd gotten the same production design team as Toys. There's whole stretches of that movie that are more authentically Nintendo in aesthetic than any given moment in the actual SMB film.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:43 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

which one of you assholes is stealing my bit
posted by griphus at 11:49 AM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dennis Hopper seems to think he's been asked to reprise his Frank Booth from Blue Velvet, but as a Superman villain.


It's been a while since I saw even a bit of this movie, but this makes his performance sound a LOT more interesting than it was.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:06 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I recommend seeing this movie as an adult for the EPIC HAMMERY of Hooper and Shaw. You have Hooper, who I suspect isn't acting and actually was a creepily sexual lizard tyrant and Shaw, who has apparently decided she doesn't need or want to moderate her performance in any way and decides to reach for the cheap seats in a giddy cackling rush that is like, half Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca and half Silver-Age comic book villain.
posted by The Whelk at 12:12 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Seriously how often to see a perfectly executed SOON THE UNIVERSE WILL BE MIIIIIIIIIIINE?
posted by The Whelk at 12:12 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Every morning when I shave my eyeballs.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:14 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

The first Resident Evil game scared the shit out of me, and the first ten minutes of the movie managed to recreate the menace of the game with its odd angles and portentous just-out-of-frame shots. I had goosebumps. Then the rest of the movie happened. I enjoyed it but it wasn't what I'd hoped for.

Resident Evil 2 was everything I'd hoped for and more since I had a better idea what to expect. I will now watch anything with Mila Jovovich in improbably tight clothing kicking everyone's asses, including Ultraviolet. In fact, I'm a devotee of the entire genre of women in impossibly tight clothing kicking ridiculous ass. I long for the day the Women Expendables movie(s) comes out. And good god! The high heels they have to wear while doing it! I have worn high heels (I demanded a pair of my mom's calf-high boots so I could complete my Wonder Woman costume as a kid), and I had no luck with them at all, finally sawing off the heels in defeat. Mom was not pleased, but I had a kick-ass costume.

/end OT comment

I saw SMB in college, and I'm sure enjoyed it ironically. I enjoyed Street Fighter unironically because Mark Dacascos is amazing (well, was. Now he's Iron Chef, and that's a problem.).
posted by malthusan at 12:24 PM on April 5, 2013

The Whelk: "FILTHY DIRTY ANTEATERS"

He looks drunk to me!
posted by Chrysostom at 1:11 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Need a post about what A list actors will do to pay off gambling or alimony debt.

In one episode of How Did This Get Made they suggested that for the extra bit after the credits the filem should have each of the major stars do a little cameo where they tell what they bought with the money they got paid to make the turkey in question. "I bought an Italian villa!", "I got a new, younger wife!", "I bought line after line of coke!"
posted by benito.strauss at 2:08 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Let me point you at Chronicles of Riddick, which I have not played but is apparently very good.

It helps that Vin Diesel is a gamer, who is well aware of the problem with movie-license games, and was the driving force behind "this one better not be crap."
posted by radwolf76 at 2:19 PM on April 5, 2013

The best video game adaptation is the movie they made from Zork, although I still don't understand why they called it Goonies.
posted by roger ackroyd at 4:37 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

I thought Crank 2 was the best video game movie.
posted by mediated self at 9:44 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Fuck you, Chelios!
posted by Artw at 9:45 PM on April 5, 2013

Indie game the movie changed my life
posted by grizzly at 10:22 PM on April 5, 2013

Sky Captain was an amazing movie. Just pure pulpy fun, complete with a bad 'twist' ending. Mortal Kombat was fun, and I wish Neil Bloomkamp's Halo was made. The best video game movies are Scott Pilgrim and Speed Racer.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:37 PM on April 5, 2013

Chris Sims reviews Street Fighter, The Movie

The failure of the Street Fighter and Mario Brothers movies had no effect on the success of the their franchises, which is pretty cool.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 11:02 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I will now watch anything with Mila Jovovich in improbably tight clothing kicking everyone's asses, including Ultraviolet.

Well thanks for ruining movies for females and adults.

Okay yeah that's a bit snarky I admit, sorry, and it's nice to like things and not be over-analyzing stuff too much sometimes. And I'm not against a bit of good old-fashioned T&A myself once in a while. But it seems like roughly 40-50% of Hollywood is now about putting Mila Jovovich, or some version, in tight clothing, and having them kick a variety of asses. The warping power of all that gawking male money distorts reality in a roughly ass-shaped direction. That's how we got Sucker Punch. I wonder what kinds of movies could get made instead of those. I wonder if all those males who have been acculturated towards staring at all the T&A they can get constantly shouldn't just go look up porn.
posted by JHarris at 12:14 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

guys

does anyone else remember that movies around this time would put out sticker books in grocery store check-out lanes, and you could buy packs of stickers that were basically numbered trading card sized screenshots from the movie, and you would try to collect all the stickers and put them in the numbered blank spaces in the books?

i was obsessed with the Mario Brothers movie sticker book
posted by Nattie at 2:02 AM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

I definitely nominate Mortal Kombat. It seemed just as corny at the time, but I'm probably biased due to my interest in the Highlander movies and shows around the same time. Altered Beast might've been a good candidate for a movie adaptation... I did enjoy the SMB animated TV show, especially Friday Legend of Zelda time. The Wizard is on one of my Skinemax channels as we speak...
posted by lordaych at 2:56 AM on April 6, 2013

I was obsessed with the Ghostbusters sticker book. Ahh, stickers.
posted by lordaych at 2:58 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

I get the sense people talking about Battleship haven't actually seen it. It's pretty good, certainly a lot of fun. Nothing Neeson should be ashamed of there. Battleship is a demolisher of low expectations, like G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra and Speed Racer, neither of which had any business being as good as they turned out to be. And speaking of Speed Racer, just look at that cast! Goodman and Sarandon! Ha!

I really don't care how good anyone might make one of these, they're still guilty of perpetuating that lazy abdication of any real exercise of imagination and curiosity about source materials that we might term Hollywood's #1 maxim: "No premise too slim." (#2 being "No reboot too unnecessary.") The spectacle of boomer and Gen X directors and producers lying around in a (insert drug of choice here) daze thinking of objects from their childhoods that they could make into movies has got to stop. There are real stories that could be told that aren't being, and surely they're at least as, and probably more entertaining than these solipsistic wankfests.
posted by Philofacts at 6:21 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Speed Racer was a story about integrity in the face of massive corporate power. Of a family sticking together no matter the odds. Of a young boy literally outracing his brother's ghost. Of purity vs corruption, altruism vs greed, Goodman vs ninjas. What else needs to be made?
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:39 AM on April 6, 2013 [2 favorites]

Speed Racer, as Outlaw Vern pointed out, is also about the fetashistic relationship between boy and machine. About the pure joy in technology, speed, and dreams. Pure cinema. Love. Family. It's playing Sonic at 15 in your best friend's basement.

No reason video game movies can't be good. They're long, we connect with them. Give me a Miyazaki Mario or Zelda, like the sub-Miyazaki Pokemon movies. Give me Dark Souls' atmosphere, Fallout New Vegas depth, Borderlands humor and I'll weep in the theatre.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 6:48 AM on April 6, 2013

I get the sense people talking about Battleship haven't actually seen it. It's pretty good, certainly a lot of fun. Nothing Neeson should be ashamed of there.

I don't need to have seen Battleship to know that it does not rise to the same cinematic heights as Schindler's List. I'm not necessarily complaining about the film so much as I'm complaining "come on, Liam, I wanna see you in better stuff than this!"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:34 AM on April 6, 2013

Permit me, if you will, a sidetrack:

All this talk about bad movies of our youth made me think about a certain karate movie I enjoyed as a child. It was about three karate kids who save a young girl from two hillbillies and their shotgun toting mother. I didn't remember much about it, except that there's a scene where the young captured damsel sings "Clementine." After a bit of Googling and some IMDB tomfoolery, I found that 1. the name of the movie is "Little Dragons" 2. it is currently streaming for free on Amazon (yes, I'm going to watch it) and 3. it was directed by Curtis Hanson, who went on to direct one of my favorite movies, "L.A. Confidential."

Mind completely blown. Love living in the future.
posted by ColdChef at 7:44 AM on April 6, 2013

> it is currently streaming for free on Amazon

Is this the same one on youtube?
posted by mrzarquon at 7:50 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

That's the one. Horrible.
posted by ColdChef at 7:56 AM on April 6, 2013

I wish Neil Bloomkamp's Halo was made

That isn't going to happen, but the Halo movie MS made was good if you ignore the fact it doesn't have an ending because it's a game tie-in.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:09 AM on April 6, 2013

Super Mario Brothers came out the same year I'd been writing novelisations of Sonic the Hedgehog games, and as you can imagine I was really interested to see how someone else had approached the problems of creating a coherent narrative from a videogame that basically didn't have one. Particularly since it was put together by the Max Headroom team. So yeah, I was there on opening day because dammit this wasn't bunking off, this was research.

I may have been the only person in the world who really enjoyed watching that movie. Mostly from schadenfreude, I admit, but I came out overjoyed that no matter how bad my books were, the bar had been set lower than I could ever reach.

There's a sequence with a slow-walking mini-bomb that's pretty fun, as I recall. Beyond that, it's an enormous void where there ought to be a movie.

Incidentally I have it on reasonably good authority that Liam Neeson's recent track record is because since the sudden and tragic death of his wife he has worked hard to be constantly working.
posted by Hogshead at 12:34 PM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

The Little Dragons* looks like it would make an amazing Rifftrax VOD (video-on-demand, ie sold pre-synced).

Speaking of Rifftrax, they riffed some "highlights" of Super Mario Bros.

*Not only did Curtis Hanson direct L.A. Confidential, but also The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, 8 Mile (!), and Wonder Boys, which is an excellent film.
posted by dhens at 12:44 PM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

The movies with the best videogame style narrative structures are The Warriors, Dredd, and parts of Aliens. Get from point A to point B and don't get killed.
posted by Charlemagne In Sweatpants at 10:19 PM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]